Yes, I tried that too...

I remember when I went to the mall with my boyfriend at the time, Mike. It was at the beginning of my 7th grade year. I was wearing a black t-shirt, a skirt and a beige B-cup bra. When my mom came to pick me up outside of Dillards (It had just changed from a Joske's), I ran to the car and noticed that my boobs were sitting outside of my bra. My mom took one look, and went back inside the store with me. We went to the bra department where I was fitted with a DD. That is when my life changed. I was so ashamed. I had been teased about my size before, but I didn't realize that I was different until that day. So weird, that I would remember those details. I started slouching all the time, now I literally have the beginnings of a hump on my back. I knew that my bra's weren't fitting anymore, but until I bounced all the way out, I had lived with the spillage.
Shortly after that, rumors started that I had cancer, that I stuffed my bra,that I slept around, and that sort of thing. I was really hurt. Boys were equally interested and mean to me. Men on the other hand, took notice. I recognized sometime in the middle of my 7th grade year, how powerful I could be as a girl. I was approached more by older boys, and men than guys my own age. While I felt powerful, I was also intensely ashamed and shy about my body. Until recently, I still was. During make out sessions and intimate moments, I kept my bra on and the lights off. Even after I was married, there was something that kept me from confidently being topless. Even during breast exams, I felt apologetic about the way I looked and tried to push up to make them look less saggy. It seems ridiculous now.
Two weeks before Charlie was born, I went to the hospital lactation center to look at bras. The lactation consultants work there and offered to help me. They just pulled back the curtain and I wanted to cover up.

Anyway, when I started nursing Charlie, something changed dramatically. My breasts are no longer a symbol of my imperfections and inadequacy. I am proud that I have been able to feed my baby girl. They are perfect! I don't nurse in public, not because of my shame, but because I don't want other people to be uncomfortable. Never in my life, would I have thought I would expose myself so freely in front of my friends and family and in places like the car and dressing rooms. I am now a 38 H. The great thing about having huge, droopy boobs is that I can feed her while she is laying in my lap and side-lying nursing is simple. I don't even have to roll over to change sides. I do want a reduction after I finish nursing my last baby, until then I will deal with the back and neck pain.

Surprisingly, I don't regret quitting work. I can't believe I feel that way. I miss some of my customers, I miss training and I miss seeing my bank balance go up. I don't regret leaving though, I am so glad I did, I love, love, love being home with C-bear. My days are so full of activities and snuggles. I am just so thankful to get to do that. My goals are to learn to cook, clean more (that would be clean at all) and learn how to sew. I have got to get better at the housewife portion of my job or I will be fired.

Long time since I last posted, but I have been dragging my feet. Things are so wonderful with C. Today was sort of special for a weird reason. I have debated posting this on C's blog, but I want to remember when this happened... C's poop finally stinks like poop. I know that is a weird thing to reflect on, but I feel like she is really growing up. She is eating more cereal with breastmilk and I guess it is time for her digestive system to quit going easy on us. Up till now, it has been mostly a popcornish smell. Sometimes, it doesn't smell much like anything, but tonight it stinks like I now have a baby elephant living with me.
In other news, for the first time in over two years, I am sick. I am terrified that C will get sick too. I am not sure if it is a cold or what, I just feel sick. I have been checking her temperature and she seems to be acting fine. I have been praying and crossing my fingers that she misses it. I was hoping to make it a year without an illness. So far we have been lucky. Anyway, she fell asleep about 8:45 and I fell asleep at around 10:30. We woke up at 2:00 and we are still up.

We joined both Little Gym and Gymboree, and she loves it. I love being around other moms and the instructors are wonderful escpecially at Little Gym. I think we caught something at Gymboree. I am super careful about washing my hands and using sanitizer, but sometimes it is unavoidable. Maybe we will just stay in the house until Spring.

Still life is beautiful and being a mom is best thing I have ever done. I am off to bed

I went to CVS to pick some stuff up and they had a great deal on diapers and I had a coupon so I grabbed a box. The cashier was smiling at C and told me how lucky I was to just have one since she had twins and they are so expensive. Wow, lucky huh? I got in my car and cried. I am thankful to have C, I just wish that #2 was still with us. A year ago I was pregnant with two little babies, and now I have just one. M and I wonder what life would have been like with two. I feel like someone is missing. I understand that the benefit of having just C, is that she is the center of our universe. She sleeps with us and having another in the bed would have made things a little tighter. I love nursing her and that would be more complicated with two. Still I would deal with it all happily, to have #2 with us. I look at that picture of her/him when we did IVF and I just wonder what he/she would have been like, looked like, grown up to be. Right now, C is sleeping next to me with her hand behind her head. I just want to kiss her and snuggle with her, because I love her so much! We can't wait to have another baby, but I am going to cherish my alone time with C while I have it, since that is my reality.

I am going to go snuggle C, I am sure she will be up in a minute to eat. She has reverted back to her old eating schedule, I read that this happens at 4 months, but I didn't believe it.

Today is my 35th birthday! This day is special for several reasons:
1) I am getting older.
2) Today is Charlie's conception day. On the morning on my 34th birthday, I had my egg retrieval and Charlie was conceived. She spent her first 5 days of life in "Daycare" in an incubator with 18 other embryos. On the 5th day she was placed back into my uterus, to become my daughter. What a wonderful day that was.
3) Charlie laughed at us for the first time today! We were in the parking lot of the mall getting ready for a walk and Matt went back to get something out of the car. Charlie was sitting in her stroller (also her first time in the stroller with out the car seat) and she just started laughing at us. Matt ran back and he hugged and laughed and high fived each other. She continued to laugh so hard that we started laughing really hard. So much fun!!! She has giggled a little and laughed in her sleep, but this was the first time she laughed! I am such a proud momma!
In other news:
We are definitely starting the teething process. And Matt gave me a fancy camera and a gift card for my Birthday!

Well, I am not pregnant. I was sort of praying we would have a miracle this month. Charlie is only 3 months old. Last year at this time I was about to trigger to have my egg retrival. I can't believe she has been with me for almost a year! I am still so in love with her. I have to admit it is getting harder as she is requiring more to stay happy, probably because she is awake more.
Today, she was such a fussy bear. That means that I had to hold her all day and keep changing position. She is most calm when I have her high up on my shoulder and I rock back and forth, not in a chair, no that would be too easy, just on the couch or the bed. She wanted to eat constantly, but would pull off to smile at me. It is hard to be irriated at the pulling when you see her eyes scrunch up and her mouth open. Still, my n.i.pp.les hurt. Oh well...

I am watching her sleep next to me all wrapped up in her blanket. This morning I scared myself to death. I woke up from a dream I think and thought she was having a seizure. I think she was just fussing and she has been so stuffy lately. I just had this second of shear panic. Matt grabbed her and said she was fine, she was crying.

She is playing with toys more and I can only pray that she will get more interested in her swing, bouncy or exersaucer so that I can get some stuff done around the apartment. I love breastfeeding, I am so absolutely blessed to have had this amazing experience. She has almost doubled her birth weight and grown almost 5 inches, all because of my milk. I have kept her nourished for almost one full year, if you count the time she was in my belly.

I am going to try to sleep. I just pray that tomorrow is better. I am so tired.

Yay! I was so worried that it would never happen, and she did it. Of course it was from her tummy to her back, but she did it. Matt and I both got to see it! Woo hoo! I was just about in tears, she was crying because she hates tummy time. I am just so happy!

Life is great. I can't believe that three months ago Charlie arrived. She is a different baby. Matt and I are really good parents. It just seems natural. Of course I am sure we are completely messing her up. I am just following her lead, she needs to be changed, I change her. She is hungry, I feed her. She is sleepy, I put her to bed. She sleeps with us, we like it and she sleeps well. She rarely goes more than a few minutes with out hands on her. She did sit in her swing for about 10 minutes today, which I think is a record.

Here is what is going on:
She smiles all the time.
Lots of arm and leg movement.
Can sit up with little assistance, (she is super strong)
Sleeps 5-7 hours at a time most of the time
Makes lots of eye contact and coo's a bunch
Can take or leave her pacifier
Hates tummy time now.. HATES IT!
Loves her daddy
Still short but has nice chunky thighs
We are about to pack away the 0-3's since she doesn't fit in a lot of them
Sleeps best on her side

Charlie finally fell asleep, knock on wood. I am not sure what is going on with her, but she she pooped like 14 times since 10am. The good news is that her digestive system is working well. Also, she has not slept for more than an hour since 8:00 am. Ton's of little cat naps, but not real sleep. She is in a fairly good mood, smiling more than crying or frowning. She just hasn't slept much. I am so in love with her I can't stand it. She is getting so big, I am about to pack away her 0-3, sniffle. I can't wait to have another baby, I am so spoiled with a sweet, laid back, baby. Of course, I never put her down and I don't let her cry. She is really easy to soothe, so I do it. The first two months were much easier than the last few weeks. The things that were sure to calm her, boob, snuggles, paci, rocking, diaper changes, don't work as much or as quickly as they use to. However, she is no where near as difficult as some little ones I have seen.

My only worries are that she doesn't like tummy time so I just do it a few minutes a day, a couple of times a day. Also, she is still not really interested in her toys, but she LOVES fanny (ceiling fan) and the TV. She still won't really sit in her swing or her bouncer. She is fine in her car seat and falls asleep on the road, so I would have thought she would have loved her bouncer because of the vibration... Oh well. I already miss work, but I love being home with her and wouldn't change it, even if I could. She is sleeping on my chest right now and I loving feeling her breathe.

My favorite things:
Snuggling with Charlie
Nursing her
Watching M's face light up when he sees Charlie and watching him read to her, play with her and talk to her. He is so in LOVE!
All things Charlie.
Bud and Sissy too.
Sonic ice and the Smores blast

Charlies favorite things:
Bewb. Snacks instead of full meals thanks.
Snuggling
Sleeping next to mom or on top of dad. Loves sleeping on her side.
Mommy giggling at her
Books.
Swaying in the bathtub with dad.
Pooping in freshly changed diapers several times in a row in rapid succession
Waiting to tinkle until having diaper changed
Jammies with feet and sleeves
Waking up, always in a great mood.
Tummy time, showing off her strength.
The sound of daddy voice, always looks for him
Daddy the baby wearer, loves the carrier and Moby wrap.
Sticking pinky out and showing off baby doll hands
Paci's Soothie only
Having her hands by her face
Watching the ceiling fan and hearing water running.


Not so favorite things for me:
Insomnia
Changing diapers constantly
Missing M during the day
This tiny apartment full of boxes
Sis being sick and needing a $3200 operation and vet visit.
Resisting doing work, I am on maternity leave and I am not being paid.
Not earning money.
The lack of grocery stores here! I miss Kroger, Tom Thumb, Market Street and Super Target. I am one of the only people that thinks HEB sucks! That is all they have here

Charlies least favorite things:

Being put down
doctors
getting out of the tub
Being in the car seat too long
The heat!
When I eat asparagus
Not sleeping with us.

Charlie had her two month visit this week. She is gaining plenty of weight, but is short (fun size) at only the 12% of her age group. Doctor didn't seem concerned at all. We will check her again in a few months.

Dear C...

Last night you threw a fit, which is really unusual for you. You have been the best baby, I brag about what a sweet, easy going little girl you are. When you fuss, you are so easy to appease. Last night, I saw tears for the first time ever! Well, you have had blocked tear ducts which have made your eyes sort of... gooey, last night I saw tears. Your daddy was so sweet walking around with you and stood in the bathroom for 10 minutes with the water running. That is one of your favorite things to do. We are in a hotel, because we are moving from the home where you were born to San Antonio. It's a good thing that we have been traveling because our water bill would be outrageous. Your dad bought a white noise app for his phone for you.

This is the second long car trip you have made. It takes us about 5 hours to get from SA to Dallas because we have to stop and take breaks to feed and change you. You have been so patient, you don't love your car seat, and I think you might get a little car sick. I have a feeling that you will get motion sick like your mom. Poor baby, I still can't read in the car.

Which reminds me, one thing that you certainly got from me is that your pinkie is always up. It is so cute! You are seriously advanced for your age and have great coordination and motor skills. You have been using your hand to keep your pacifier in since you were a few days old.

You are so incredibly beautiful and tiny, people stop us constantly just to look at you. People will cross a room to see your sweet face. Your daddy loves to carry you in the Baby Bjorn and you love it in there. People stare at you two. We are so lucky to have you in our lives.

You are always the topic of conversation these days. We are so proud to have you as our daughter. You should see the way your daddy lights up when he sees you, he loves to snuggle with you and give you kisses. He has come up with a bunch of nick names for you and your things. I started calling you Charlie Bear because of the growling noises you make when you are straining or gassy. When you are hungry, you are Hungry Bear, Sleepy, Sleepy Bear, you get the picture. Anyway, your dad loves to tell me what will calm you down. "C loves to have her back rubbed in circular motions clockwise, ok?" I giggle, because I he loves to be an expert on all things you. Your favorite way to relax is being nursed, but I allow your father to give me pointers, it makes him feel good.

I know I am your mom, but you really are the sweetest baby ever! I had no idea loving being a mom would come so easily. I love those sleepy smiles when you are eating and your tummy if satisfied. You are really starting to smile really big now! That started about a week ago, I wish I knew the date. It's like feeling you kick, at first you don't know if it's gas or real until it happens regularly. Now, I know those are smiles. I can't believe how strong your neck is! You can hold your head up when you are on your tummy and elbows. That is so amazing!!

I can't wait until you have a baby of your own, as your Grandjan says, "when you have one of your own, you will truly know how much you are loved."

Grrr... I have been so bad about keeping up with this blog. I am trying to remember every detail and important milestone since life is passing me by so quickly.

Here is what I remember of my birth. I was due to be induced on Tuesday morning 5/25. My mom, Bob, and my dad came into town to be there. I went to Mimi's for dinner with my dad and Uncle Rick and Aunt Beverly. I was having tons of but I had been contracting for weeks. I was already almost 5 cm dilated. I started noticing that they were increasing in frequency, at about every 6-7 minutes, but they didn't seem regular or any stronger than they had been I left for dinner I was spotting, when I got home from dinner it was worse so I called the doctor. He said that since I was going to be induced anyway in the morning I should go ahead and get checked in. We had to enter through the ER and saw some interesting characters. The L&D was busy and so I went to triage. They hooked me up to the monitors and sure enough I was in labor. I got checked into a room and they gave me something to help me sleep. I finally fell asleep at around 2:00am. At 4:00 my water broke! I was so excited, but sleepy from the meds. They came in at 5am and started pitocin. I slept most and they came in to check me off and on. I became sick so I was given something for the nausea. At around 8:00 my mom came in and Matt went to get coffee for them. A nurse came in and broke the bag of water that had collected in front Charlies head. That is when the pain started. Until that point I had very little pain, like a 3-4 on a 10 scale. As soon as she did that I was at a 10! I never expected it to be that painful! When Matt walked back in with the coffee, he wasn't sure what had happened! I begged for the epidural. Thankfully, the anethesilogist came in and I felt better. I basically slept until they told me to start pushing at around 12:15. Dr. S showed up around 12:40 and I pushed hard for about 15 minutes. C was born at 12:58. Pushing was harder than I had expected. At the end I was really desperate for them to get her out. I'll just say that I had to have some serious repair work. My mom and dad, watched the whole thing. I really didn't care at that point. My dad is somehow haunted by the fact that I didn't get an episotomy.

The birth was completely overshadowed by the fact that C came out not breathing. They rushed her off to the warmer and started to resuscitate her. I expected to cry with joy at her arrival, instead I was in shock, so was Matt. We were actually all really quiet. I just kept asking if she was ok and if she was normal. We had that down syndrome scare, so I still was uncertain that she was healthy. That was the beginning of C's tough first few days. Which is a different story. I will document her first 8 days in the NICU later.

I am so thankful she is here and as I am typing this, she is snoring next to me. As I predicted, she doesn't like being swaddled anymore, she sleeps with her hands by her head, which is covered in blonde hair!! She keeps her hands/arms by her face most of the time. She smiles (practicing at least), she loves music, she loves her daddy and her mommy. She has the best temperment. She fusses when she is gassy, but is VERY easily calmed. Mostly she is a peaceful and easy baby. I am so lucky!! I love her more than I ever imagined and I am suprised at how much I love caring for her. I get so much satisfaction nursing her, changing her diapers and knowing that she feels safe and comforted. This is the best thing I have ever done! I used to get a high from satisfying an angry customer, or solving a problem. Now, I feel so gratified when she is fussy and I am able to calm her just by nursing her, or change her diaper without getting poop everywhere. My only issue is that I can't sleep. I try to sleep when she does, but it is so hard to fall asleep when I would like to watch her breathing. I will just need to get over that. She has the sleeping patterns of her daddy, she falls asleep with no problems at all. I am lucky to have a baby that doesn't have issues falling asleep, knock on wood.

I can't believe it has been so long since I posted. I am 36 weeks and loving being pregnant. It is getting much more uncomfortable, but I am thankful for every minute. I had a wonderful shower last Saturday. My friend Jessica, my sister and step-mom worked their tails off to make it special. This may be our only baby, so I was so touched and honored to have a party. I will be working on Thank You notes for a while.

As for baby girl, I still haven't decided on a name. It looks like she will be a May Flower and not a June Bug. I am patiently waiting for her to arrive. I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions since December, these are the real thing. My OB was sure she will come this week, but I stalled out.

Here is a little about my munchkin. She loves to roll around. She is most active at 5:00am, 5:00pm and around 10:00pm. When I am in the bath tub, the stopper startles her every time. She loves music and dances. She hates it when I hunch over and will wiggle around when she is crowded. I am doubting that she will like being swaddled for long. She appears to sleep with her hands curled up by her face and her arm up by her head. From the ultrasound, she has her daddy's nose and her mommy's lips, and she smiles. She rarely has the hiccups, but when she does they are rapid. My guess is that she will be a morning baby, she will have a great sense of humor, she will be a tough chicky, a daddy's girl, a fan of bannana's, ice cream, Chinese food, she will sleep with her arms up, and will have a ton of hair.

I have only gained about 16 lbs, but most of that is in my face, hands and feet is seems. Last week, literally over night, I felt like a different person. I had been so proud of still having ankles, not anymore. My hands are huge too. Still, no stretch marks, my belly button is still an inny, and my blood pressure has never been more stable, I can't complain.

20 weeks!! OMG! She is as big as a Cantaloupe! Our first plane ride together is Saturday. M is going with me to Vegas for a business trip. I finally told my boss, and he took it really well. I am sure he is freaking out, but didn't show it. I can't wait to show off my big belly!

I love being pregnant!

I am still not feeling a ton of movement, but I feel a wiggle or jab a couple of times a day.

Updates: It's a girl. Scary news and decisions.



Today I am really feeling movement and kicks! I have been complaining that I don't feel her kicking. Ummm... now, that is all I am feeling. I haven't updated lately because we received some scary news the day before NYE. I went in for an ultrasound with the maternal fetal medicine specialist. My results were inconclusive, so I scheduled the amniocentesis.



While they were prepping me for it today, I decided not to go through with it. My mom went with me and they did another level two ultrasound. Petri (her new nickname) was super busy in there, kicking and dancing. She looks physically normal and weighs in at a hefty 12 oz. I have only gained about two pounds so, I guess most of it is baby, placenta, and amniotic fluid. She is laying diagonally with her head on my left side and her feet toward my right pelvis. Regardless of the outcome, we love her and she is our daughter. The amnio would not have changed anything for us, and I simply could not risk her life.



Matt is still worried, but I am not. She is our tough girl. She is our 1 in 26 and our miracle baby. We are honored to be her parents and thankful that she has been fighting to grow and survive since she was just two cells.

In other news, tomorrow I will tell my boss and the rest of the world about Petri. My round belly is too large to hide now and I am proud to be a mommy to be. It has been hard not to shout it from the rooftops.