This is my third attempt I've made to write this post, but I'm just not sure how to write it. I originally had written a post that ended up being a personal story of my experience going through this, but it started to sound more like a journal entry. How do I write this, how do I put into words how I am feeling without pouring my heart and soul into it. I think it will just be easier if I let everyone know what happened and don't go to far into the personal details. I will just save my detailed experience for myself. Eventually I might go more into detail of what happened, but not today.
On a bright Tuesday morning, our sweet little Kyzlee Dawn Turley entered this world after I was in labor for eleven hours and pushing for two and a half hours straight. The first we saw of this little angel was
A LOT of hair! She weighed 7 lbs. 8 oz. and was 19 1/2 in. long. I developed an infection after they broke my water, so as a precaution she had to spend two days in the NICU on an aggressive dose of antibiotics. She was put on oxygen while in the NICU, because it kept dipping down low.
The day after our little Kynzlee was born, my sweet, loving, and strong mother in-law passed away at the University of Utah hospital. It was quite an experience for me to try and make it down there to see her before she passed, but I had missed seeing her by about twenty minutes. I will explain more of that experience at a later time when I feel ready to divulge more details. The most comforting part of it all, is
KNOWING that the exact moment my mother in-law passed, she was with Kynz in the NICU. We called the nurse in the middle of the night to see how she was doing, and she said so much better. The nurse had felt a presence in the room. My sister had been in the NICU visiting my little baby at the moment that my mother in-law passed and she said she had also felt a presents there, so I have no doubt that that is right where she went to.
If any of you know me, you know how close we were. We may have had a few months in the beginning that were rough, but once we started to bond, our relationship grew by leaps and bounds. She is, and always will be, one of the most important people that have even entered into my life. My mom lived far away for three years of our marriage so I got very close to Mama Sue. As I'm sure she was to everyone else that knew her, she was my go-to person. She was the easiest person to talk to about anything and everything! She listened so intently and remembered every detail of what was said. She never judged me or anyone. Instead of agreeing with me when I needed to vent, she would help me to understand the situation and why things may be that way. She had a way of turning my frustrations, into compassion and finding the joy.
She was the greatest grandma to our little Jazlynne. One of the things I miss the most is walking into their home and her coming down the stairs saying, Jaaaaaazy! My Jazy! With a big smile on her face. I feel like crying every time we walk in there now and do not find this greeting from Grandma.
I keep replaying every single moment I can think of with her. Every memory that was made of the four short years I knew her. One of my biggest fears is that I will forget things about her. I wasn't lucky enough to spend my life knowing this wonderful person, but those four years that I did know her I will cherish for the rest of my life. She made such an impact on me and I think I owe a lot of who I am as a mother, wife and person to her. She taught me so much about motherhood and marriage. There are so many lessons I can hear in my mind that she taught me that I will never forget.
There are so many things that we are having a hard time with. Craig has been wanting to call his mom and tell her about his new class he started, how much he enjoys being a father, and most importantly how much he loves her. I don't even think calling her on the phone would be enough. I want to go to the house and see her, like we would have any other day. I miss finding random places throughout the house to sit on the floor and talk for hours, until our visit is over and mom is tired. I want to talk to her about so many things that have happened in the past five weeks since she left this earth. There are questions I have about motherhood that only she has the perfect response for. There was a certain way she made me feel about myself that no one has made me feel. She always built me up where I was the most insecure. She told me over and over again how smart and talented I am. How I sell myself short.
I am longing to talk to her so bad! You think over time it's supposed to get better, but for me, it seems the longer we go, the harder it gets. I need that relationship back. It was like no other relationship I have ever had. I miss her so much. I miss our special bond we shared.
Craig and I are both on an emotional roller coaster. There are days where we are at peace and feel fine. Then there are days where all we want to do is cry. We talk about all our memories and moments we had with her. We talk about how much we are dying to talk to her. Craig is such a sweet boy, missing his mom. Deep down he still feels like a little eight year old boy that wants his mommy. She is so special to Craig. He had a love for his mom that could never be broken. She was and always will be his angel mother.
Something that I am dealing with, that is probably ridiculous, is the fact that I spent the last nine months talking about my pregnancy with her every time we were together. We talked about my fears of not being able to have a vbac, not being able to breast feed, the possibility of having another nicu baby, and so many other things.The last time she saw me I was a huge preggo and three days away from having Kynzlee. She watched us stress over trying every trick to go into labor. She was there cheering and almost pleading for the baby to come. I feel like she went through the entire pregnancy with me, experiencing everything I was going through, and making it to the finish line, and then being denied the chance to cross it. She never got to hold her grandbaby in her arms and kiss her little cheeks. She won't get to watch her grow and develop. It's also very hard for me to think about Jazlynne having to go the rest of her life with out her Grandma Turley. Someone that loved and cared for her probably more than her own parents do! :) I
KNOW that she paid a visit to Jazlynne after her passing and explained where she will be going. We have never talked to Jazlynne about death, or heaven or any of it. She had an experience before the funeral where she talked about Grandma going up in the sky with a light to "Jesus' house". I am saddened that my girls will miss out on having such an outstanding person in their lives. I feel so honored and blessed to have Susan Dawn Duncan Turley for a mother in law. This is not the end, we will all be together again. We are all sealed for eternity and there will come a day when we will be able to hug her and tell her that we love her again.
I think I have written enough at the moment about our dear, sweet mother and friend. I will try to make blog updates more regularly now, and I am sure they will talk about my mother in-law and her passing and my grieving. There are so many details and unique stories that go into the birth and passing, but I will save those for another day.
NOW, on to a little about our precious Kynzlee. She is FIVE weeks old today!! Where, oh where, has the time gone! She is such a good baby. She is so chunky and cute, I could just eat her little cheeks up! She has little pink cheeks and a ton of blonde hair. Jazlynne has had a hard time adjusting to her but she is slowly getting better. We may or may not of had some incidents of her biting, scratching, and hitting the new baby. She can be so sweet with her though, kissing her cheeks and giving her "big hugs". Kynzlee has brought our family so much joy! We are grateful for her and the blessing she has become in our lives. We can't wait for all the exciting things we will be able to experience with our two little princesses.
Thanks for taking the time to read this long post. I have contemplated how to write it for weeks now and haven't been able to do it just right. All I can ask is that you please take the time to let the people you love and care for, know how important they are to you and how much you love them. Even though she knew how much I loved and cared for her, I wish I had made it to the hospital that night before she passed to tell her myself how much I loved her. Don't ever think there is always tomorrow to let them know.
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