unquestionable love

I just completed the last of the comments to officially make Iron Commenter! Aaaah...such a sigh of relief. I have had such a good time finding new blogs. For the most part, I try to go back a bit and really get to 'know' the people writing the blogs, so it does take me quite a while (thank goodness for a pretty short list!), but it was so worth it. I think I added at least 30 blogs to my feed and I've increased my number of TTC blogs by almost half!!

In other news, I did a bit of after-Christmas shopping today and had to share my steals! If you haven't been to the L.imited lately, you should GO, now! I got 3 pair of pants there for $50. Considering they were all originally $70, I would say that was a pretty big steal!! I also stopped by Goodwil.l and found a tweed skirt with the tags still on it for $4. (I love that place!) I forgot my list for Sam.s Club and T.arget, so I may have another trip out in a bit. There is a D.ymo label printer for like $15 at T.arget, so it is a must have. I love me some organizational supplies! For now, I am cleaning and re-organizing from the holiday madness, pouring myself a glass of wine and doing some laundry. I hope you all have a great Sunday!

I can't believe it's that time again! I am trying to be very good this go-round, so I've gotten a good head start today on commenting and I look forward to visiting all of your blogs. Be sure to scroll down, as I have left this post at the top of my blog for the length of ICLW.

For now, here's a little about me:

• I'm Christina, DH is Josh. We've been TTC since our wedding day back in Sept. of 2006. We have -thankfully and unfortunately- never been successful (thankfully because I have never had to endure a m/c and unfortunately for obvious reasons). For the details of our journey, you can see the sidebar.
• We have two beautiful babies (aka dogs).
• I work for a Big 10 University doing my dream job. J is in retail.
• I have PCOS. We are currently on a break and I am doing acupuncture. I am in a 3-month cleanse and will begin treatments again in February or March most likely. My cleanse will go through February and then we will start acu for fertility.
• Hobbies include reading, traveling, shopping, family and my job. Upcoming posts are going to talk about Christmas gifts, my plans for 2009 (some resolutions, so to speak), and an IF change of plans that we might be considering.

Welcome and please make yourself comfortable!! I have been trying to increase my reader to include more TTC blogs in particular because most of the ones that I have read over the course of the past year have turned into PG blogs (thankfully!). So please introduce yourself, especially if you are TTC as I am always looking for some buddies who are in the same boat.

I might actually make iron commenter this month! Sweet. I guess that short lists and long weekends really help.

Another year has passed. I'm getting kind of used to this. Surprisingly enough, I handled the holidays this year pretty well. In fact, I didn't shed a single tear. I am still sad but hopeful that 2009 will be our year.

I made out like a bandit this year! Lots of comfy pjs for my cabin getaway in January, a gift certificate to my salon (I'll be using it for a massage), Jillian Michaels Wii game, lots of books and board games, some gift baskets, a hutch for my dining room....lots and lots of great stuff. I love presents..giving them and getting them! I made Christmas eve dinner and we celebrated with my sister and her family and also my mom. Then on Christmas morning, we woke up late, J made a delicious breakfast casserole, we opened gifts, took a nap and then headed to my in-laws around 1. Then we went to my family gift exchange and headed back to the in-law's to pick up the pups and we hopped in the hot tub for a bit...such a relaxing ending to the evening!! There's nothing better than sitting in the hot tub in the freezing cold weather on Christmas!

However, I do have my issues. My woes this year aren't about fertility. They're actually about family. First, I have very little in common with my family. I love my grandparents and obviously my sister, but as far as aunts and uncles go (and my dad for that matter...though that's never an issue because he's in FL), I could take 'em or leave 'em. I do have a few great aunts and cousins, but the problem is that we (as in my sister, J and I) are very different than them. We tend to come off looking stuck up or snobby, as does the one other cousin who has bothered to get out of that God forsaken town and get an education to try to do something with his life. The fact that we don't see life as beginning and ending in that little town, working in a factory and living paycheck-to-paycheck means that they think we're materialistic/snobby/bitchy/etc.. (Excuse me, but I take pride in my education, my great job and my ability to pay my bills and save money. I don't flaunt it but I won't apologize for it, either.) Every year, we say that we aren't going to go to the holiday get together, but then somehow we end up still going. We never want to but we don't want to disappoint my grandma.

Then there's my mom. She's one of 'those' fertiles who probably should have never had children. One that I would today say didn't deserve them, and a big reason that I chose the blog name that I did. She never grew up. She did her best (sometimes) and had a very rough life; I get that. But she has yet to take some responsibility for her mistakes or for her own life. Case in point: she lives with my sister. She makes 7.25 an hour and gets laid off over the winter for about a month, give or take. She has never had a steady home, income, boyfriend...life. So we try to help her when she needs it. We both (as in my sister and I) live priveliged lives. We have tried to realize that this is just her and that we aren't going to change her, so we may as well try to help her. But it's really hard to help someone when they don't want to help themselves.

To save time and space, I will just say that my sister has been put into a very awkward situation in which she has to put her children above my mom. As any parent (you would hope) would do, my sister has to do what is right for her family and her home and that means that my mom has to go. Things aren't good and it puts everyone in a hard position. I don't know what to do and I feel horrible that my sister has to do this alone. She thought it would be best because my mom would otherwise feel ganged up on. So I sit and worry about my sister and the position that she's put into. And I worry about my mom and her bad decisions, uncaring friends, etc.

This just sucks. There's no way around it. I appreciate you reading if you've followed along this entire time and if you've got an extra one to spare, I would really appreciate a few prayers for my mom--for clarity, for the ability to see that we care very much about her and want good things for her and strength to make it through. Thanks very much.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and that you are looking forward to the new year! May it bring great things for us all!!

So...I've been thinking. We're planning on doing another injectable cycle in March/April-ish. (Whenever my acupuncturist says I'm ready, pretty much.) We pay OOP for everything. ZERO coverage (thank you, state of Indiana). So an injectable cycle costs us (including meds) right around $2500 total. It's actually not that bad, really. But I got to thinking. We've had 1 failed cycle with injectables. I'm sure that the RE is going to push for us to do one more. But would our money be better spent if we skip right to IVF? Would we have a better outcome or even be able to perhaps find out if something else is wrong? Would we save money in the long run? I figure...if it takes 2...3...4 tries with injectables, then why not bypass that and spend our money on the "good stuff?"

So that started my wheels turning. I mentioned it to J last night and he actually agreed which shocked the crap outta me. He has been somewhat anti-IVF. He's said before that if injectables don't work, he doesn't see us spending 10K on IVF. Buuuuuttt......our doctor gives a discount for those who pay OOP. A 25% discount. And we were expecting $3500 per injectable cycle...it was only $2500. So I decided to call and get a cost chart for IVF, just to see.

Here's how it pans out:

• Injection conference: 82.50
• Baseline u/s: 106.75
• Follicle u/s (3 expected): 213.75
• Estradiol b/w (4 draws): 300
• Progesterone b/w (3 draws): 202.50
• Venipuncture (4): 60
• Egg Retrieval: $1400
• Tranfer: $650
• For a total of: $3017.50

This obviously doesn't include drugs (which I realize could double-or more-this amount. So I have some questions for you, please play along if you are currently or have ever done IVF!

1. What was the cost of your IVF meds and what meds did you get?
2. How many injectable cycles did you try before moving to IVF?
3. Did you pay OOP or did you have coverage of some sort?

THANKS SO MUCH for any insight. I'm really considering this and would obviously have to discuss with my RE. But I think he might go for it. Or maybe he'll say one more try of injectables. That would be okay with me. But from there, we could take about 6 months off and not have to pull anything from savings to pay everything in full. That would be amazing!! But I need to be brought back down to reality if the drugs are actually like 6K or something crazy like that. (Which very well could be...I have done zero research on this...)

Thanks again.

I'm always on the lookout for good and unique gifts. I thought I would share some of the things we're doing this year and (to take full advantage of ICLW) I hope to hear some of the fun things you have wrapped under your tree! I have about another $40-$50 to spend on J, so if you have any great suggestions, please share!

• J was in an accident on the way home from Chicago. On the interstate. Talk about SCARY! Thank the Lord, he was fine and no other cars were involved. It was icy and he hit a patch of ice, spun around, hit a guard rail with the back bumper, spun back around and hit the front bumper on the same guard rail. He is fine. That's all that matters. I don't know what I would do without him.
• We booked our little getaway for early 2009!! We nixed the cruise and replaced it with a week in a cabin. We just want to relax and we'll be able to take the pups, so that will be awesome. Even better, I have a coworker who has a time share and she has a few extra weeks, so she offered us the week and we just had to pay the $180 to exchange her week. Holy crap! 7 nights for under $200!! We will have to pay a bit extra for the dogs and we're going to give my coworker a couple hundred bucks to help with her annual fee, but even if we get out of this for under $500, that is an amazing deal!! That will mean a nice little visit to the outlet mall and my favorite store, AT Loft!! Weeee! Seriously, though. How amazing does a week with board games, books, jammies, homemade dinners, lots of wine, two snuggly puppies and a big snuggly hubby sound?? Pretty darn amazing to me!
• AF is officially here, as expected. She came roaring in on Thursday (CD42), so I'm glad that I won't have to deal with it during the holidays. Now the trick will be to avoid her during our January getaway.

Gearing up for the holidays is getting busy. I'm happy the weekend is here. We're going to look at Christmas lights tomorrow night and I have a laundry list of stuff that needs to be done. I hope everyone is enjoying the season!!

Yep, that's right. Still no AF. Though yesterday and today, I had the slightest bit of spotting, so I'm thinking not much longer. (OF COURSE...she'll arrive just in time for Christmas..how sweet of her.)

Things have been quite in blog-land. I just got back from a conference in Chicago. J and I went up on Saturday (along with his parents because FIL also had a conference there) and we had a good time. Got back this afternoon and now I'm just ready for a nap.

I have so much to do...wrap gifts, get BIL's gift ready/wrapped/shipped, get our annual holiday letter written, finish and mail cards, catch up on over 150 blogs, catch up on my shows (How I Met Your Mother was first on the list and was hilllarrrious this week!)....the list goes on.....

Anyway, hopefully I will have some energy to update my IRL blog and download some pics from our trip. I think we got some good ones. I hope everyone is well and enjoying the amazing holiday season!!

Today is a weird day. Today is playing tricks on me! And it needs to stop!

First, I am on CD33 with still no sign of AF. I have continued to have weird twinges and pinches and have still thought a time or two that she had arrived. Nope. Not even close. So...what do I do? We all know that, let's say it in unison: I TAKE A TEST. Of course I do. It was negative as expected but there was this weird line. I am going to call it an evap line. It was pink at first and then as time went on it disappeared...which means an evap line, right? But I could still see the line, just not the pink. So that sucked. For two point one seconds, I got excited. But then I planted my feet back on the ground and called it like it was: a negative.

Fine, whatever. Fluke.

Then, my body decides to play one more trick on me. I step on the scale and it reads a number that is far too low. As in, 9 pounds too low. This cannot be happening!! Trust me, I certainly HOPE it's happening, but it is not my luck (plus my pants fit exactly the same). I have some serious lbs. to lose, but 9 in the matter of about a week is just not possible. Especially when I'm not even trying or exercising! (The only thing different is that I am taking the herbs. Angelica said that I would drop weight, but I didn't think it would be that much, that fast!) I am still convinced that it is a fluke. I tried again immediately after, still the same. I even tried again after my shower with my robe and towel on my head...the number went up by about 4. I think I will replace the battery and see if that does anything. I've gotta admit, it was nice to see that number...one I haven't seen in several years! If it's still the same tomorrow and after changing the batteries, I will not only be super motivated to start running again, but I will also be singing the praises of these herbs! Stay tuned!!

Either way, I think this day is a fluke. A weird, parallel universe or something. Certainly not MY life.

Still no AF. I'm on cd30 now. 3 days "late," if I was on meds. I'm not feeling excited at all, just waiting on her to come. I have acupuncture tonight, so we'll see if she has anything to say about it.

J and I were talking the other day and I was saying that if I start on Friday (cd30) then it might actually be a great sign that things are starting to regulate in my body. I've never had a 30-day cycle on my own...they're almost always several days shorter than that or MANY days longer. However, if I haven't started by Monday, I might start to get pissed.

Oh, and my friend, you know, this girl...yeah, she's in labor! I'm happy for her. I can't imagine the anticipation. Her little boy will be named Rowan.

Though it wasn't a surprise, per se, I was a little shocked by how much I had envisioned seeing a line. I will admit that I am somewhat let down. I didn't cry (which is pretty big news for me!), but I did stare at the thing like 7 different times trying to find the slightest hint of a line. It's like I know with almost 100% certainty that I could not be pg, yet I still imagined a miracle BFP, getting to tell family at Christmastime, etc. I envisioned having to tell the story of all those cycles with no luck, only to be followed by a break-cycle-bfp due to acupuncture. Oh how marvelous that would have been!!

But that isn't the case. I'm on cd27, so I'm fairly certain that I would have seen a line by now. I can't figure out why I wouldn't have started spotting at least, though. I guess that is just me without meds...I'm just hoping that my cycle is less than 50-something days. I guess I'll see what happens but if I haven't started by this weekend, I'm definitely going to call the doc...if for nothing else than to get some meds to make me start. But for now I'm going to go dig around to see if I can figure out how long my other break cycles were. Ooooh, the joys!!

Go HERE to enter to win an adorable clutch! Oh, bags...how I love thee! (Yes, I am posting this for an extra entry...you should, too!)

I think I'm having phantom symptoms.

• I keep getting these waves of nausea that, for an instant, get my hopes up. In reality, I think it's probably caused by the herbs this morning (I took a few days off from my pills), along with the grape juice, followed an hour later by a peppermint hot chocolate from Starbucks. Yeah...that's a lot of random stuff jumbling around in my tummy. But nausea=pregnancy, right? :)
• I'm having lower back pain like you wouldn't believe. This is not unusual, it's just unusual to have lasted for a few days. (Typically, if I have a sore back, it's for like a day.) And it's unusual in that the spot is weird...my lower left back/hip.
• Then there are the AF-like cramps. I have gone to the bathroom a good few dozen times during this long weekend with the full expectation of starting. I have that weird feeling "down there" like I get when I have just started lightly spotting right before AF starts. Seriously, several times, I have been utterly shocked that I haven't started. Granted, AF shouldn't arrive till this Wednesday, but the feelings are weird.
• The baby dreams won't stop!!! I can't even handle it. At least every other day (and sometimes twice in a day...lots of naps during my long weekend!), I have had very real, very vivid dreams about babies. And they're very comforting...like, I feel as if I will have my baby. This is the first time in the 2+ years that we have been TTC that I have had this feeling. Maybe it's the acupuncture, too. Maybe the dreams are because of the intuitin point and the point to open up my spirit.

Either way, all of these silly, non-conclusive signs are getting to me. They all mean absolutely nothing! And my realistic mind tells me this is not possible. I know this is not possible but somehow the hope sneaks in....uuuugh...come on Wednesday!!

...aaaaah, I just love 'em! Tomorrow is my last day off after 4 long, wonderful, relaxing days. So sad. I didn't do any shopping yesterday really. I did go to Cato for a few minutes because I knew that they were having major markdowns, but it doesn't really count because it wasn't anywhere near a big store or mall. I got 3 tops, a long scarf and a skirt for $30. Can't beat that! So I did go there and I did get a sweater for me and 2 sweaters for J from Old Nav.y online, but I am amazed at myself for not shopping my heart out this weekend.

The majority of my weekend has consisted of eating, snuggling the pups, napping, hanging out with my hubby, watching movies, napping, and napping some more. We watched The Holiday last night. It ranks right up there with Love Actually as a movie that I must see to feel like I've really kick-started the holiday season.

Tonight, we had a fun dinner with some cousins and an aunt. We got silly and played some games and the night was topped off by recreating some family photos, circa 1985. My sister and I posed like one of our pictures from when we were little and then the cousins did one of theirs. They were hilarious. Then we piled on eachother and got some pictures in front of the tree. My cheeks hurt.
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Onto other things...acupuncture went well last night. She said that the herbs wouldn't have caused the spotting. She thinks it might be a fluke thing. She said not to worry about it and I've pretty much put the possibility of being pregnant out of my mind. I did test this morning...way too early. But I just thought I'd see. BFN, of course. I hope that AF shows on time this month though, because otherwise I know I will drive myself nuts thinking that maybe something could have happened. I once had a 57 day cycle (early on in our TTC journey) and I had myself convinced that I was pg. Little did I realize the it was virtually impossible. Now I know better, but I could still do without a 57 day cycle!

That was a pretty meaningless post, but the moral of the story is that I truly love long lazy weekends!

In terms of my incredibly effed up body, I am no longer spotting. Nothing...not even a hint. I'm utterly confused as to what happened (my best guess is the whole "cleansing" thing). I keep allowing the thought of implantation bleeding to enter, but then I am trying to be realistic in knowing that the likelihood of anything happening is like 1:5,698,401. (Real stats here, folks!) I guess we'll see what A says tomorrow at acupuncture.

But for now, HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all of you!!!

Fuc.k!! So all that good cheery news yesterday about my exciting ewcm and my amazing body becoming holistic and my Qi becoming all de-stagnant.....yeah...that....THAT was a pile of sh!t!! I started a very different and weird spotting yesterday (after my post, of course...kind of like how EVERY time I take a pregnancy test, I literally wipe and have started my period!). The spotting was there for one or two trips to the bathroom and then gone for most of the rest of the night. Then this morning, before my shower...nothing. (Unusual, too, because I usually start overnight and was fully expecting to have started.) Once I showered and was getting ready, I had some more of this strange spotting, only it's a little more like my normal pre-period spotting.

What this means, my friends, is a 20-day cycle. That's more fucke.d up than I've ever been! I'm fully expecting to officially start this afternoon at some point. I definitely had that "feeling" of getting ready to start all day yesterday. I can chalk this up to a couple of different things: a completely unmedicated cycle, the acupuncture cleaning out my "old" blood, a fluke thing...I'm not sure. Whatever it is, let's hope that I regulate before the first of the year!! I will have to share this with Angelica on Friday and see if she has any insight.

Prepare for a little tmi, folks! I am elated to report that THIS screwed up infertile girl produced ewcm during a non-medicated cycle. Furthermore, it was at the right time during my cycle!!!

This is seriously unheard of. Way back when, prior to going to the RE and prior to any meds, I used to chart. Yeah, well...that fell by the wayside when I took my entire stack of charts to the RE and he told me to stop worrying about it and stop focusing so much on my temp. I didn't need to be asked twice to stop fretting about waking up at the same exact time every morning, only to fall asleep with the thermometer in my mouth and hope for a correct read. Nope, gone are the days of charting for me! Anyway, back when I did chart, I thought I got about a day of ewcm. Ppppfffffttt! That was NOT ewcm! That was shiny and fit the description, but holy lord, my friends! What I experienced last night...*that* was some serious ewcm!! Just for fun, I stretched it. Low and behold, the stuff stretched on forever....and the amount was much more obvious than before.

Needless to say, I am certainly not expecting to be one of those miracle girls who starts acupuncture, goes off meds and **voila** turns up pg! What I do think it means, however, is that the acupuncture is doing something. That's all I ask for! Over a year of not experiencing anything like this and I am thrilled! Thrilled beyond belief for what would probably disgust most people! I'm glad there are those of you who I know can relate to my excitement!

I might be a bit overwhelmed. If I'm being honest. :) (This will be a long post, namely so that I can use it to come back to later.)

Acupuncture went great. Very relaxing. Like, that dozing in and out where you're so relaxed that you don't want to move or open your eyes. It's very calming, really.
So she put lots of needles in this time:
one at the top of my head (for spirituality);
one between my eyes/on my forehead (for intuition);
on on each of my arms--where they bend, but on the outer part so that I could still move my arm (not sure what it was for...one of the organs I believe);
one on each of my calves--outer and upper part of my calf, just below the knee (again, not sure what it was for);
one on each inner-ankle;
one on the top of each foot, along the bone of the big toe;
one on each inner-heel;
(there were some relating to the spleen, the liver and the kidney, all of which are linked to the stagnant Qi that I have...though I'm not sure which acu point went with which organ.)

Anyway, I didn't notice the immediate result like last time (but I also didn't have the obvious blood flow to see like last time), but I can definitely tell some action in my ovaries, which I wasn't expecting without having any meds this month.

I got a bit overwhelmed when we started talking about diet and food and herbs. This is going to be a serious lifestyle change and the more strict I am, the better the acupuncture will likely work. So I have 2 herbs (smaller than a prenatal and not as horrible tasting, so that's good!) and I will take 2 of each, 3x a day...so 6 pills a day. I have been very good about that.

Some other "rules":

• Don't drink when you eat. Angelica says to have a glass of water 30-minutes before or 1-hour after eating. I take my herbs then, as they are not to be taken with food so that they can be absorbed to the fullest degree possible. *Note: this has been a bit tough for me, but when I do drink my water before eating, I obviously eat less and feel fuller faster. That is a plus, for sure!
• Have fish 3 times per week. Another stretch for me considering my idea of fish is tuna salad and that's out, according to A. I like fish when I'm in the Caribbean or when I'm in Hawaii. Or even when I'm in Florida. In Indiana, not so much. We're working on this and I hope to do at least twice a week...to start off.
• A says that almonds are the best food in the world. I can eat them whenever I want, and I should have some every day. (Not the whole can, I keep reminding myself!)
• She also wants me to drink a glass of organic red wine every night. (Sweet!! I love red wine!) She suggests Tra.der Joe'.s for a cheap and good wine.
• I have to eat lots of green leafy vegetables. At the minimum, one helping a day. Including kale, beets and all sorts of interesting things...
• She says that everyone should have one piece of dark chocolate every single day. (Again, Sweet!!!) She says to be sure to let it melt in your mouth.
• Finally, I have to eliminate milk from my diet. She says that babies are the only people who should drink milk and that once they're done nursing (or past nursing age), they should not drink milk. Actually, I have been told this before by a personal trainer, so I wasn't too surprised by it. They both said that there is no nutritional value that can't be gotten from food and vitamins if needed. She did suggest Almond Milk, which is what she and her family drinks. I might try it, but the fact of the matter is that all of these things will add up quickly!! I have agreed to buy a box (it comes in the little boxes like soy milk) and see how I like it and go from there.

All in all, this was a LOT of information. I have tried to let it digest a bit and I know that I need to be better about my eating habits anyway, so this should be a good place to start. A also mentioned that if I follow this, I will lose weight pretty easily. She said that I should (tmi) poo three times per day (whhaaaa?!?!). And the acupuncture will kick-start my system to increase my metabolism. That, combined with the newer food choices should all easily result in a weight loss. Next appointment is this Friday...I read somewhere that if you are going to respond to acupuncture, that it should happen in 6-8 treatments. (Not that I expect to be pg in that time, but I'm hoping that my cycles will be different at least.)

I stole this from Liddy over at The Unfair Struggle. Good idea!


Name: Christina married to Josh since 2006.
Our TTC Journey: Our 2-year TTC anniversary was in September. I have PCOS. We're currently on a break and I'm doing a 3-month cleanse with acupuncture. We just completed an unsuccessful injectable cycle (Follis.tim) and decided to take a few months off for the cleanse and so we could enjoy the holidays.
Right Now: I will probably be posting mostly about random meaningless stuff (decorating for Christmas, my acupuncture, work stuff, etc.) since we're not doing much TTC-wise. Mostly, I am just excited to read new blogs!! **In particular, please be sure to comment and let me know if you blog about your injectable cycle or acupuncture. As I talked about in THIS post, I need to update my blogroll to include some new bloggers that are in similar stages as me. It seems that the majority of my blogroll has gone from IF blogs to pg blogs (yayyyy! for them, but it leaves me with little to relate to!)
My likes/dislikes: I love my hubby, my dogs and my nephews. I love my job (I am a fundraiser for a Big 10 University--my dream job!) and I looooove to travel. Luckily, I have a job that involves lots of self-directed travel, so I am checking lots of places off of my Bucke.t List.

Welcome and enjoy!!

First, my 2nd acupuncture appointment is tomorrow! That's pretty much all I have to say about it, but I'm excited to start the cleanse and to see how my body/cycles change.

• The first, two nights ago, was when I fell asleep on the couch. I dreamt I had a baby and I was playing with her feet and toes on her changing table. I can't tell you how real this dream was!! I almost cried when I woke up because I could feel her and see her and I could see the room decor. (I say her, though I never saw the baby's face. I just felt like it was a 'her' and the room was red and white which is what I envision for my baby girl's room.) It gave me great hope and I remember waking up, thinking, "This IS going to happen." So that was nice.
• The second dream wasn't so great. It was more about IVF. I dreamt that I had a visit with a new RE and they told me that my chances of conceiving, even with IVF, were very minimal. I asked about the 60% success rate at the office and they said that wouldn't be the case for me. I just remember that I did that over-dramatic, slink-against-the-wall, hands-cupping-your-face, cry. I just cried and cried and things felt so hopeless. I *think* this dream was a combination of the baby-daddy drama on Private Practice and looking up my RE's IVF success rates (which happen to be around 60%). I'll take the first dream any day!

Finally, a CRUISE!!!! Weeeeee!! So...originally, J had promised me that if we weren't pg by the end of 2008, we could take a BIG trip. I wanted to go to Europe and do lots of different countries in about 2 weeks. That sounded all great and good until the time came to start planning. I just don't see the benefit of spending several thousand dollars on a vacation when we will be gearing up for some expensive treatments come March. So we decided to try a cruise!! And the best part is that I think my sister and her husband are going to join us!! I am so thrilled. The prices are amazing and we're thinking we'll book a week or two into December to see if prices come down or maybe we can get some extra perks. But for now, we are looking at Royal Caribbean and H.olland America Cruise Lines. The ship above is the ms Maasdam from Holland. We're thinking a caribbean cruise or one to Mexico.

**Any feedback, tips or experiences from cruises would be AWESOME!! We're virgins to the world of cruises.**
Our only rule: NO KIDS!! :)

Things are very slow going around here since we're on a break. Nothing much to report on. We officially decided that we're (I'm) going to do acupuncture. If nothing else, I am hoping for the benefit of cleansing my body and at least getting it out of the funk it's in. I didn't get an appointment in last week but will start this coming Friday. It was interesting that AF lasted a full 7 days (and actually maybe even 8) after my last acupuncture appointment when she told me we would need to focus on getting the old blood out. Typically, they're about 4-5 days. I take that as a good sign.

Then this week, I was talking to a coworker and told her about the acu and she said that she has had 2 friends who credit it with their pregnancies. One had tried for over 3 years. That's good news.

I'm gearing up for the holiday season!! I have my rituals to get me in the mood. I think I will start to decorate for Christmas in the coming week. I will get my little snowman out who says "Welcome Winter" for the front of the house. (There were snow flurries today!!! Yay!!) I will get my Willow Tree Nativity Scene out. I will pick up my adoptive family ornaments at church and start shopping for them. And I'll start the process of putting Christmas gifts together. My favorite ritual is movies! I always watch Love Actually to kick start my holiday season. And I will start playing holiday music. In my car, in the house, at work...everywhere. I saw that Faith Hill has a new holiday CD out, so that will be a must have for this year.

I am looking forward to enjoying the holiday season without having to worry about infertility. We have started the beginning of our shopping and it will be nice to have our minds off of things for a bit. What are your holiday rituals???

The Angry Infertile tagged me a few days ago, so here we go! Thanks to a fellow Indiana girl...

Answer the following questions with single word responses. Then pass on the award to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? Kitchen
2. Where is your significant other? Sleeping
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Sweet
5. Your father? Florida
6. Your favorite thing? Dogs
7. Your dream last night? Dept. Head
8. Your dream/goal? Babies
9. The room you’re in? Living Room
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Failure
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Mommy
13. Where were you last night? Nephews
14. What you’re not? Skinny
15. One of your wish list items? IF Coverage
16. Where you grew up? Small town, IN
17. The last thing you did? Visited papaw (in that small town!)
18. What are you wearing? Purdue Sweatshirt
19. Your T.V.? Kimora
20. Your pet? Lhasa Apsos
21. Your computer? Work Laptop
22. Your mood? Relaxed
23. Missing someone? No
24. Your car? 4Runner
25. Something you’re not wearing? Jewelry
26. Favorite store? Ann Taylor Loft
27. Your Summer? Uneventful
28. Love someone? Absolutely
29. Your favorite color? All kinds
30. When is the last time you laughed? with Papaw
31. Last time you cried? Oprah

I'm not going to tag anyone, but welcome everyone to do it!

I can't help but feel left in the dust. I reorganized my bloglines feeds today because they were all formerly in a folder that read "if blogs," which just isn't true anymore. The vast majority of the blogs that I read are now pgcy blogs...and even baby blogs. After my reorganization, I found that I subscribe to just 27 ttc blogs. That number used to include 38 people who are now pg and 9 who have welcomed babies into the world.

I still like reading the pgcy blogs and keeping up, but it is kind of a hard realization and it's got me to thinking about the many pregnancies that have been announced during the course of our TTC. It has to be close to 20 (irl) people. Maybe more. Some are even on baby #2 in the time that we have been trying for #1. It makes me sad. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for those who have had success and are now pg or have had their babies. I just feel like that may never be me. And I suppose I need to head over to Mel's list and try to find some other blogs that I can actually relate to...

All that talk of clockwork and she showed me! AF arrived a day early. Oh, the bliss!!! Isn't a 26 day cycle too short? I'm going to go back and figure out how long some of my other cycles were because I think the're lingering around 25 or 26 days which seems short to me.

So we're on a break until after the first of the year. Or longer. I don't know what to do. It's finally starting to take a toll on J. He gets so sad and I can't handle it that I am causing so much sadness for him. We will not spend our entire savings trying to get pregnant. At this point, I'm tempted to plan a huge trip and just forget it all. But that might be silly. I am definitely going to start acupuncture if I can find someone local that I feel confident in. I don't want a hokey person. But I figure I'll do that for the next 2 months and see how things go.

So here's my plan for the next 2 months:

• Acupuncture
• Lose 15 lbs.
• Research some new RE offices
• Perhaps plan a small trip for after the first of the year

It's funny that my body works like clockwork on these drugs. It's so screwed up and I don't ovulate and have long periods with weird cycles, but with all of the drugs, I can practically time it down to the minute of when AF will begin knocking at my door.

I've had the typical symptoms this month-sore bbs, continuous twinges and crampish feelings in the ovary & uterus areas...everything that is normal. Today, I went to the bathroom and had a bit of spotting just on the TP. For about three seconds, I got really excited. Then I remembered that back in July, I logged every symptom. I am so thankful that I did because it put me back in check. Basically, I am pretty darn sure that this cycle is was a failure because I started spotting exactly on 10dpiui that time, too. Light spotting on 10 & 11dpiui and then AF arrives on 12dpiui.

Like clockwork. Damnit.

...probably not. It's waayyy too early. But I do have really sore bbs that are veiney and my nipples are so tender. And, worst of all, I have PIMPLES!! Ick. I haven't had a big pimple (you know, the kind you have to watch to be sure it isn't ripe) in months. Not one (thanks to my bare escentuals mineral makeup-it is amazing). Until this week when I decided to get not 1, not 2...but 4 freaking pimples!! And big ones, too. I think I might go as pepperoni pizza for halloween.

Okay, eew. Kidding. But they were there and luckily today, they have been tamed and are going down. Odds are that both of these "symptoms" are s/e to the F.ollist.im if I had to guess.

I also wanted to mention (I don't think I did before) that I was really pissed at the nurse. Remember, it wasn't my normal sweet Nurse J, who knows my cycles, my history with the septum and the 2 HSGs and my response to meds in the past. This was the other girl. (The one who, btw, is married to the RE.) She's really sweet and I do like her, but I got mad when we got to talking about the cycle and my mature follies and she says

"I think your chances are really good this cycle."

Ummm, whaaa?? Really good?? I don't think so. Really good would be if I wasn't infertile. Really good would be if I had 7 mature follies (god forbid). Really good would be if I didn't have all of these stinking issues. Me? My chances will never be really good. They will be optimistic at best. They might be increased. They may even be good. But they will never be really good! I just don't think it was responsible of her to say that to someone who has been struggling for over 2 years and has always responded well to meds, leaving no good reason for so many failed cycles.

I know I am really sensitive, and she was trying to keep me positive, but geez! Words like that'll get a girl's hopes up.

My favorite idea for this year was Ugly Betty. I love that show and I think it would have been an easy costume. Floral/ugly dress, contrasting cardigan, big belt, bright colored pumps and bright socks that don't match the pumps. Throw on a black wig and some glasses (and braces if possible) and voila! The best part is that most of the costume I probably have in my closet. I have plenty of dresses and lots of cardigans that would clash and pumps out the wazoo. I still might do this but I live in a college town and don't know how I feel about guys telling me that I AM ugly betty!! Boys can be kind of mean.

So do you have any ideas?? What are you being and what have you seen that is cute and different, particularly for couples?

Another one bites the dust. It was so weird today. The actual IUI was far less painful than it has been the past 2 times. I was so nervous because Nurse J wasn't there. It was the other nurse who almost had to get the clamp out the last time she did it. So I was really nervous. But it didn't hurt really at all during the procedure. But all day long, I have had pressure and cramping and a little bit of nausea. It's weird but different than before, so I'll take it..anything different from the past failed procedures is good for me!

She did say that J's motility was a little sub-par after the wash, but the IUI should alleviate that problem. I was concerned that I only had 2 follies that woul have been ready and she assured me that the injections make the follies a better quality and that the 3 16's did have a chance of being mature enough. Since they were 16 and then we waited a day to trigger while still taking another dose of the Fo.llistim, they would have likely been 18 at trigger and still had 2 more days to grow. So there may have been a few follies.

Let's hope it works!!! I guess we'll find out in 2 weeks!

I have taken the rest of the day off to rest and I've been watching Paranormal State and it is kind of freaking me out. But I've switched to Baby Story, too.

This might as well be a picture of my ovaries: ...because BOY are they full! My u/s went well this morning which was great because I wasn't as hopeful after talking to my nurse on Wednesday. They increased my dosage to 150iu of Follis.tim and that got me worried. But this morning, I am feeling a little better. Here's where I stand:

Left Ovary:

• 20
• 17
• 16
• 16
• 16
• 14

Right Ovary:

• 15
• 12

I'm pretty happy with that. If I could trigger with 3, I think I would be ecstatic. I'm hoping that she has me take one more dose of 150iu tonight, trigger tonight or tomorrow for IUI on Sunday or Monday. Sounds like a great plan to me! We'll see what the experts say.

Needle pricks: 12

Visits with the Vag Cam: 4

I'm sporting a killer headache and it is Homecoming weekend which means events out the wazoo until 10 tonight, being back to work at 7 tomorrow morning for more events and then the game at noon. Talk about tiiired. And somehow, I think we might have to fit in a trigger shot this evening which will mean that J has to come to campus, we'll have to find a private spot to mix the drug and he can give me my shot. Oh...so...fun.

Hi, ICLWers. Welcome and thanks for visiting. Feel free to settle in and make yourself comfortable. As a little intro, here's some background info:

• I'm Christina. My sweet hubby is Josh.
• We just celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary.
• We also celebrated our 2 year TTC anniversary along with it.
• I have PCOS and we're in the midst of our first injectable cycle (Fol.listim).
• We are also in the process of training for a 10K. We ran our first 5K last month and I've been a slacker. Now I'm trying to get back on track for another 5K this year and hopefully a 10K soon to follow.
• We have 2 lh.asa aps.os named K.owe and Luke. They're cute cute cute, but a can be a little ferocious at times.
• We travel a lot, enjoy our nephews, I love my job and we're very happily married. We're just missing one thing...and you all know what that is.

Back to our regularly scheduled program. Lots to report on today:

• Yeeehaaaw! I'm back on the saddle. I ran again last night!!! J ran Monday night but I wasn't feeling very motivated (you know, since I had such a healthy dinner and all!). For fun, here's a picture of me ACTUALLY on a saddle. This is from our honeymoon in St. Lucia when we went horseback riding on the beach and into the ocean. (Hard to see, but that's us way out there.) Muuuch funner than running!

• I had a follie check and bloodwork today and I think it went okay. The bad news is that my right side is not producing. I gave her a little pep talk and told her that I really needed her to pull her own weight but I don't think it will have much of an effect. The good news is that I have several contenders on the left side. She measured at least 9 follies. Granted, a good 4 or 5 of those won't be big enough, but I did have 3 that were in the 16-18 range and a couple in the 12-13 range. I would be ecstatic with three (or, okay, 4!) really nice and big ones.
• Also, they're checking my progesterone in addition to my estradiol. I'm really enthused about that because I have asked my RE to check my progesterone before and he said that it wasn't necessary with C.lomid. I clot pretty badly and I just have a small inkling that it might be slightly off. We shall see.
• Needle pricks: 9, with 3 vials of blood
• Visits with the Vag Cam: 3

I think that's it for now. I'm anxiously awaiting the call from Nurse J. Hopefully she has some good news.

• I didn't take my sweet time getting to work after my appointment this morning. I didn't go to the post office, drive the speed limit (gasp!), stop for some coffee or park far away in order to avoid getting into the office. I would never do that!
• I didn't get home and sit on my butt all night long, doing pretty much nothing. No, no no.
• I did not peel pretty much all of my toenail polish off out of boredom, with no plans to repaint!
• I most certainly did NOT eat Funyuns, Doritos, 2 Ree.se's PB Pumpkins and a Root Beer for dinner. Nope, not me!

Heehee.

I have had a few orders roll in and thought I would do an update! So far, we are at $146 in orders which is awesome, especially since there are 12 more days to place orders. As a reminder, I am closing the fundraiser on November 1st. Click HERE for more details about the li.a sophi.a fundraiser that I'm doing (in case you're new or here from ICLW--hi!, by the way!) to support the U.T.E.R.U.S. initiative.

Thanks to Mrs. Shoes for being the first to step up and order! Several have emailed and commented but she was the first to take the leap...so a gold star for her (and some gorgeous jewelry to boot!). She got some Christmas shopping done in support of U.T.E.R.U.S. and so should you! (Actually, I'm starting to get a little overwhelmed by the amount of shopping that I need to do for Christmas. We're doing a fun gift thing this year where we're doing "Josh & Christina's Favorite Things," just like Oprah. We're excited but it's a lot of work. More to come on that later)...but for now, I hope you will join us, either via the auction, by donation or through the ls fundraiser to support some strong and deserving women. Let me know if you have questions about the l.ia sophi.a stuff and happy shopping as always!

***Oh..and if you aren't in need of anything, don't want to spend the money, or aren't a jewelry person, perhaps you might be willing to forward out the word about the fundraiser or post a link on your own blog. That would be awweeeesome since I don't have a very big readership. Thanks in advance if you do!***

I had a visit with the beloved vag cam this morning to see how my little follies are doing. I think I'm going to start counting my pokes, prods and visits with the vag cam. So far:

• Needle pricks: 6 (including 3 vials of blood)
• Visits with the Vag Cam: 2
• Bruises on my tummy and arms: LOTS! But they don't hurt.

Weeee!!

Anyway, back to my u/s. I think I got some good news. Though I don't really know what to measure it against. I had lots of follies. Only about 3 on the right side and they were small (all under 7 or 8). I had tons on the left side...somewhere around 6 or 7 total. There was one little leader at 13 and a couple at 10 and 11 with the rest falling behind. I have an inkling that they will reduce the amount of meds I'm taking from here on out. I don't want to have them grow too much, too quickly. I don't have the slightest clue as to whether this is good or bad.

The problem is that I always respond well. With Clomid, I always had at least 2 juicy, ripe follies. With Femara, I always had a few potentials, but definitely one big leader. Now, I'm responding to these meds, too. But WHY don't they freakin' work?!?!?! I'm off to do some google searching to find out where my follies should be. I hope my nurse calls soon!!

I hope everyone else had a great weekend! J is off all week which means that I am going to dreeaaaad going to work. It's gonna suck. But we're back on track this week with running and dieting!

LS MONTHLY SPECIAL: Buy any 2 items at full price, get any 3rd item at 1/2 price PLUS 3 additional necklaces at 1/2 price! TIP: You pay full price for the items of YOUR CHOICE. Therefore, you naturally pay full price for the LEAST expensive items, allowing you to get the higher priced items at 1/2 off! (This can get confusing, especially since I can't talk through it to you, so let me know if there are questions about the special.)


AN ADDED SPECIAL FROM ME: Spend $65 or more (pre-tax and shipping) and receive a $20 Gift Certificate to be applied to your order!


EARLY BIRD SPECIAL: Order before this Sunday night and receive $10 OFF of your purchase!! (Can't be combined with the $20 from above.)

This is very small but will easily go with everything in your closet. Even t-shirts! Best of all, it's only $21!

This one also goes with everything and is a great price--$30!

Here is another great fall piece. It's much better in person and is just $35!

Feel free to ask questions as needed! Remember that Christmas is right around the corner and if you're anything like me, you should probably start your shopping! :) Good luck and happy guilt free shopping!

I gave myself my first shot of Fo.llistim tonight. It wasn't bad at all, I swear!! I found a great website that walked through the steps and I watched it at work today, so I felt like I had a pretty good sense of what to expect. And it was really simple and the shot didn't hurt at all. Talk to me in 10 days and that could be different, but for now, it was great! I will do 125iu for through Sunday evening and will get b/w and an u/s on Monday morning to see if I up my dose or not. I just hope those follies react well.

I added an update last night to say that Nurse J called to say that we are not pregnant. I knew that already. So we're free and clear to start injections tomorrow!

Here's where the SH!TTING my pants part comes in. See, I keep this blog private from my IRL blog. J reads it if he wants, but I don't want friends and family to know every detail of my cycles and feelings and whatnot. I updated last night while watching John and Kate + 8 and OOOOPS!!! I posted to my IRL blog!! My MIL checks it every morning. Without fail. And I know that she would have been especially excited to look because our nephew was born two nights ago and I'm sure she is wanting to see how I welcome him. She doesn't even know that we're starting injectables. She thinks we're taking a break. Crappity crap crap CRAP!

Looks like J is going to get to call and explain everything to her. Eeeeewps!!

All of my meds arrived yesterday (wee!). More on that later. But today was my baseline u/s. I got to the office about 10 minutes late only to find that they did not have any orders for me. (Note that my RE is about an hour away, so I do as many u/s's/appointments/b-w/etc. as possible here in town by way of 2 different clinics, spread over about 4 different offices.) You can imagine that my RE's office has a fabulous time faxing orders for b/w and whatnot, especially when you consider that they have remote locations in my town AND 2 others across the state. They're a busy bunch! But anyway, it's been a doozy of a day and it's not over yet.

So I get to my appointment, they can't find me and I wait about 15 minutes until she finally got everything together. I was a little concerned because she didn't understand how I could be on my period and getting an u/s. But she got straightened out. I asked about whether I would be getting any b/w and she said she didn't have an order for any but that I might want to check with my RE.

I did. But not until about 1/2 way to work. I forgot, but when I called at 8:55, the receptionist from the RE's office said that I *did* need b/w and had to turn around and go get it. So I ziiiip around the car and head back to the clinic. I called work to let them know I was taking longer than expected and the RE's office beeps in. Oops! She mixed me up with another patient that she had sent orders over for and I didn't need b/w after all. Okay....ziiiiip back around and go to work.

Then comes about 11:45. I get a call and my actual RE is on the other end. (How cool is it that he has personally called me TWICE in the past 2 days. I love him.) He is wondering whether I am coming to talk to him today (he's in town) and I said I didn't think I needed to based on our conversation yesterday. He remembers that and says that they must've forgotten to take me off. I tell him my meds arrived yesterday and I will start the injections tomorrow. He asks what questions I have and if I'm feeling good. I am and he wishes me luck. That was nice.

BUT THEN!!!!! (This is where it gets interesting.) Not even 2 minutes later, I get another call from the RE's office. This time, it's my favorite nurse. She's MY nurse...you know. But she asks if the u/s tech explained anything while she was doing the u/s about what she was seeing. She didn't...not other than the follies and having a hard time getting to my right ovary. So Nurse J says that she saw something on my u/s that was either some blood or (get this!) a gestational sac. WHA??? No. Not possible. She asks if I took a HPT and I say no. It's too hard and I vowed this month not to take one. Then I started spotting right on target and my period has been really normal, except that I haven't had any cramping like normal. Bleeding is normal and spotting was exactly as it always is.

So that's where I am right now. The options are that it was blood (which is my bet), it was a pgcy and I am now miscarrying (though why no cramps and heavy bleeding?) or it was a twin pgcy and I am, on a long shot, pg. My guess is the first. I will get the results and be on my merry way to becoming a human pincushion by tomorrow. But it is definitely weird to even think that I might have had some success. We'll see.

In other news, my BIL had his baby last night. He's long and skinny and they named him Alex. They're both really weird and don't want pictures of him up, so I can't post pics. I've only gotten 2 that were taken with a camera phone, but I think he's a cutie! It hit J really hard and I felt so sorry for him. My heart broke and I feel bad for not being able to give him what he wants so badly.