unquestionable love

After talking things over, J and I decided to move forward with the IUI. We're really optimistic, but there's always that lingering doubt. So I decided to take Monday off. Even though I know you can technically go about your normal day as planned, I want to go home and rest and let those little guys try to join together and then start snuggling up to the idea of making a nice, cozy home in my uterus.

As for our questions, my RE and nurse are completely fine with 4 follicles. Some girls on the nest say that 4 might be high and I've also read that some REs don't even do IUIs with more than 3, but the nurse said that it really doesn't increase my likelihood of multiples by much. And truth be told, I would love twins. Somehow, though, I just don't see this working for us this month.

We trigger tomorrow night at 8:30 and then have our IUI on Monday morning at 8:30. I hope everything goes well. In the meantime, I think I'll have a few drinks this evening! One last hoorah!! (Though, this would be like my seventeenth-one last hoorah because I always swear off alcohol for what ends up being no good reason.)

AND...drumroll please......we get the $170 back from the RE as a credit!!! So this IUI will only cost us $130. How could we beat that?!?!?!

Wish us luck!

Got a call from the RE this afternoon. Turns out that he wants to do an IUI this cycle. I didn't know it was called IUI until I asked on the nest, because I'd always thought IUIs included lots of injectibles (which, I learned, they sometimes do). But he wants me to trigger on Sunday and then go in on Monday for the IUI. The nurse said that I'll have at least 3 mature follies, if not 4, depending upon how well the one that was 13 grows between now and then.

WOW!!!!! RE provides me with another whirlwind! The best part: it's only $300!! I thought IUIs were around the $1200-$1500 range for some reason (injectibles, perhaps?). So $300 was a good number.

DH and I came up with a list of questions to ask the nurse tomorrow and we're pretty sure we're going to do it. The only problem is that I will feel like it's a complete waste of $$ if it doesn't work, and DH said that he thinks we should do this cycle and one more, then take a break if we're still getting BFNs. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Anyway, we came up with some questions and as long as they're all answered correctly, we're going to go forward. I know it's only $300, but I just hate to see it go down the drain. I just keep wondering if we should wait a month, if we get a BFN we can increase the dosage of Clomid, hopefully produce more follies and have an even better chance of a BFP with an IUI next cycle. However, knowing my luck, I'd have 8 follies and get pg with quads or something crazy. Two, I'd be really happy with. Three or Four, I'd have to have some convincing!! :) Though, at this point, I'll take what I can get!!

The unexpected surprise: I got an update from my insurance today and realized that our RE Consult WAS covered by insurance! Awesome!! We paid $200 OOP for that, so I'm going to call in the morning to see about the $170 that should be left as a credit for us after our co-pay. If we do, in fact, get the $170 back, the IUI will be a no-brainer. I can totally handle $130!!! I just hope that the RE's office sees things the same way I do, but I don't know how they couldn't...but insurance stuff can be kind of tricky.

Yay for good news!! The **ONLY** downside is that we're leaving for Vegas on March 12. So guess who will be unable to drink? I may get to test while I'm there though, which might be cool!

I was doing my daily blog check and ran across this in Miss E's Musings, so I thought it might be a fun way to waste a bit of time. I had my appointment this morning, so I didn't get into the office until 10 and we have a lunch at 11:30 so I don't really want to start any projects. This is a much better way to spend my time.

Five beauty products you could not live without:

1. Mousse (naturally curly hair + Indiana weather = Must Have Mousse!)
2. My Bare Escentuals Mineral Makeup. I'm in love.
3. Lip Gloss
4. Mascara
5. Aveeno lotions

Worst beauty mistake you've made:
I was not a fortunate girl who had a mom that was really into fashion or beauty. Therefore I didn't discover mousse until I was in 8th grade, resulting in many years of my natural curl being BRUSHED out. That equals a lot of embarrassing pictures, to say the least.

Daily skin care regimen:
I wash my face in the shower, lube up with lotion all over and Kerol on my arms, use mineral makeup (which has helped a TON with my problem skin), and then at night, I wash my face with a cleanser made for mineral makeup, apply some acne preventing lotion and put a special cream on any problem areas. That's pretty much it. I don't fuss with it throughout the day except for to reapply some lip gloss.

Daily cosmetics regimen:
Medium BE powder as concealer & around eyes, Medium Beige as a light foundation, bronzer for a bit of color and a little more coverage, blush, whatever eye shadow goes with that day's outfit, sometimes eye liner, a good amount of mascara, and then finish it all of with mineral veil. Followed by some lip gloss.

Favorite beauty treat:
Pedicures. Especially in the spring and summer when I wear sandals a lot.

Favorite beauty store:
We have 1 BE store about an hour from me, plus a small one in the airport, so I hit them up when I can.

Favorite budget brand-- cosmetics:
Target's Sonia Kashuk. GREAT eye shadows.

Favorite premium brand -- cosmetics:
BE I guess

Favorite budget brand -- skin care:
Aveeno

Favorite premium brand -- skin care:
Aveda, love the smell

Favorite budget brand -- hair care:
Pantene.
Favorite premium brand -- hair care:
My hair reacts best to cheap stuff, especially shampoo & conditioner. But I do love some Aveda products, just not shampoo or conditioner.

Favorite fragrances:
Lauren style, Ralph Lauren; Gap Heaven; Burberry Brit; Clinique Happy & Happy to Be; Victoria's Secret-Body By Victoria & Pink

Must-own item:
Diffuser for blow dryer

Best beauty tip:
Lip gloss goes a long way. I love the natural look and the shine. AND, if you haven't tried mineral makeup, I highly suggest it. It has done wonders for my skin!!

Good news: I have 5 follies!!!
Bad news: They're kind of small. And 1 of them shouldn't really be counted.

Here's what I have:
Left:
15
14
13
1

Right:
14

I'm at CD 11, so I'm unsure (and the u/s tech was, too) of how big they should be and if they're on the small side or not. My RE's office should be calling me this afternoon to talk about when and if I will trigger or get another u/s. I feel really good about having multiple follies, especially since last cycle I only had 1 and it was at 17 on CD 14. I feel like hopefully 1 or more of them should be at or above 17 by CD 14 this time.

I posted on the nest to try to get a comparison, so we'll see if I get any responses, but if anyone reads this and can give me a comparison, I would really appreciate it.

My questions for the RE:

1. Are they big enough?
2. Is there a reason that I only seem to O out of the left side? I had 1 from the right, but none last month, and then this month I have 4 from the left side and I only had 1 last month. This makes me wonder if I've got issues on the right side.
3. When will I trigger?
4. Do I need another u/s?
5. If this month is a bust, will they increase my dosage next month? If so, to what?
6. Is my BD schedule okay? Every other day starting at CD 8 (the day after my last dose of Clomid) is what my OB suggested, but I never got clarification from the RE as to what he prefers.
7. WHEN THE HELL IS THIS GONNA WORK??? I'm sure he'll be able to answer that one pretty easily.

Any input would be helpful if there is anyone who has experience. All in all, I'm feeling good about the direction that we're headed.

I felt that the time had come to share my IF news with my close co-workers and my boss. My boss is in a different office across campus, but I have been feeling a little bad that at every staff meeting, I have to say, "I'll be out on 'X' morning for a doctor's appointment." I did tell my lead support staff person, and my closest friend in the office knows, but I am not good at keeping secrets and feeling like a liar (even though I know I am completely fine with not telling a soul if that's what I choose). But after some thought, I decided that I'm going to share the news with the ladies in my office at next week's staff meeting. Good timing because a.) I'll be in the midst of a couple of appointments (more than likely) and b.) the one girl in the office who has a tendency to spill the beans to others will be on vacation for a week and a half.

But in preparing for that, I felt that it would be in my best interest to share this with my boss for a couple reasons: a.) I wouldn't want her to find out through the grapevine (and there IS a grapevine, let me tell ya!) and not from me personally, and b.) I have had to miss one meeting and obviously several mornings or afternoons due to appointments-especially with the hour-long drive to the RE-and she's the one I turn my forms for sick time in to. So I told her this afternoon and it couldn't have gone better!! She was so sweet and supportive and encouraged me to use all the sick time that I needed (and we get and ungodly amount of sick time, which is great) and she wished me luck.

We also got on the conversation of a new DoD who was just hired in January and is pg and due in May. I mentioned her, and found out that my boss didn't know she was pg when she was hired, but she was really excited for her and said that it (for obvious reasons) would not have made any difference had they known she was pg. It always makes you feel good to know that your superiors are supportive of a family lifestyle, especially for me since I travel so much and am expected to be on the road 50% of the time at least. It was also printed in the campus news today that they will be putting out a new plan for parental leave in May. WOOOO!! This means that I will likely not have to use my 2 months of sick time if and when I have a baby!! (Though I will likely use some of the sick time on top of the paid leave.) But currently, there is NO paid leave for employees...just sick time (which, in all fairness, is great--3 months of fully paid time off after 3 or so years, plus 3 months of 50% paid time...who the hell uses that much sick time???).

Another piece of exciting work-news: my boss told me that she used me as a success story to a dean who is getting ready to create an additional position like mine in his area. He was apprehensive because it's a lot of work, money, resources, etc. to create a new position and there are a lot of questions, so he was concerned about what the experience of the person would be and what exactly their role would be. My boss said that she used me as an example of someone who came in with no fundraising experience, but ample sales experience, and she said that I am a great success story because I've hit the ground running and no one, fundraising experience or not, could have done it better and been a better fit for the job!! Awww, shucks. ::blushes:: No, really, though. It's very exciting to know that she thinks well of me and in a sometimes-competitive field like this, it can be really hard to make an impression. That's all for my bragging. ;)

As for the weightloss goals: I'm doing well! I went to the gym on Sun., Mon., and Tues. I skipped tonight, but I have my trainer appt. tomorrow and if I can make it on Friday or Saturday, that will be 5 times this week, which I'm very pleased with. PLUS: NO eggs yet! So what if I did have some thin mints. I'm sticking to my goal of no eggs. But trust me, it hasn't been easy.

I have an RE appointment in the am for an u/s to check for follies. I'm really hoping that I have multiple follies. Everyone else seems to have 3 or more, even on 50 mg, so I'll be disappointed if I only have 1. Wish me luck!! That is all for this lengthy post!

Satan's drug. That's what I had heard Clomid called. And the stories of the side effects...emotions running wild, crying, yelling, snapping, headaches, hot flashes, queasy stomach...the list goes on. I just go to thinking this morning that this isn't quite as bad as I was expecting. That's a good thing. Granted, I had to turn my fan on high last night and strip down to a tank top and shorts with only a sheet on my body as J had a down comforter, a quilt and a sheet on him to keep warm. But really, other than the ongoing hot flashes (which I haven't broken a sweat from like I have heard some other people talk about) and a dull headache that doesn't seem to want to go away, I think it's been more than bearable. I'm glad I'm one of the lucky ones so far.

I'm off to eat my delicious lunch of a huge salad with hearts of romaine, grape tomatoes, feta (while I can still get it!), croutons and basalmic vinaigrette. I'm so excited for that mama. On the weightloss front, I am losing! I snuck a peak at my scale this morning and it's definitely gone down!! I'll have an official weigh-in soon.

PsychedForBaby posted this Blogger Challenge on the nest this morning and I thought it looked kind of fun! Enjoy!

1. What is your first name?


2. When is your birthday? the 20th


3. What kind of car do you want? (that's an Acura TL)


4. Where did/do you go to school?


5. What is your favorite season?


6. What is your favorite type of shoe?


7. What is your status?


8. What is your favorite movie?


9. What is your favorite song? (All of his stuff.)


10. Who is your favorite Disney character? (aka I am not a big Disney person)...


11. What is your favorite clothing line?


12. What is your favorite vacation destination? (that'd be st. lucia)


13. What is your favorite dessert?


14. What is your favorite letter?


15. What are you most afraid of?


16. What is your favorite TV show?


17. What annoys you the most?


18. What is your job?


19. What is your favorite animal?


20. How old are you?


Wanna play? Here's how:1. Go to photobucket.com2. Type in your answer for each question into the PhotoBucket search bar.3. Only use the first two pages. Choose your favorite photo to represent your answer.4. Copy the html and paste it here.5. You can only answer in picture form

I'm in a funk.

Have been since AF arrived. I think it's because I was sitting in an airport and had no way to just let my frustration out. At home, I can get pissed, cry a little, even scream if I want. But I couldn't do that in a crowded airport. I love to people-watch which typically makes my many hours of sitting in airports bearable. I love to think about where people are going and I can always tell the types (like myself) who are there for work as opposed to the ones who are there for fun. And I can always tell if they'r coming or going. There's a very different look in one's eye when they're on their way to somewhere fun as opposed to on their way home from a vacation. Anyway, I love the people-watching, but getting AF in the middle of the airport with such incredibly high hopes that she wasn't going to come just wasn't fair. To watch all the cute kids (and the dorky ones, too) playing and eating and reading books with their parents, and then to have to sit on the plane while a 6-month old cried...it was just heartbreaking. What I wouldn't give...

So that started my funk, and it's just gotten worse. Even my sister noticed and I think I'm typically good (though it's pretty much a bad thing) about putting on a happy face and making light of things. But we had lunch and it's hard to hear about friends having babies and this week it was even hard to hear about my nephews (all of whom I absolutely adore). I just don't want to hear any of it. Poor sister, she wants so much to make this better but she just can't. And then there's J. He's just been sweet, he'll give me a little pat on the shoulder and he's let me sleep in for the past 2 days. Plus I got ice cream tonight, so that was good. But I just feel bad that I'm down in the dumps. If I could only figure out how to pull myself out. I need to stop "wallering," as we like to say.

I think tomorrow I'm going to head to church because I need the fellowship and I need the reminder that there is something else at work. Church always has a way of speaking straight to me, so I'm really hoping for that in a don't-make-me-cry-kind of way tomorrow. Then it's going to be off to the gym and to Target. So that should be a great new start to the week.

And for the record, I got 4 days of cardio/workouts in last week! Granted, one of those was spent shoveling the driveway for 45 minutes, but it was a lot of work and it had iced a little, so I had to go over everything twice. So though it probably wasn't as many calories as if I'd gone to the gym (which, I would have done had the weather and roads not been so bad coming home), it was still better than sitting on my hiney.

Next week's goal: NO Reese's eggs. Not. Even. One.

Not much to speak of lately. Only mild s/e with this round of Clomid so far. Headaches have been pretty bad, but it's also sinus-season here and I can't tell whether I'm reacting to the IN weather or if it's the medicine. And a few hot flashes, but nothing unbearable. I did, however, take a 1/2 day today because I had a headache and needed the sleep. I slept 12 hours last night!!! That's just plain nuts. I needed it, though. I was a little up-and-down with hot flashes, but for the most part, I think I slept like a rock. Who sleeps 12 hours? And I could have probably gone for a few more.

I'm on to 100 mg of Clomid starting tonight (CD3). Looking so forward to the side effects that I can't even stand it.

Health-wise things were okay today. Ate okay, then went straight to the gym after work. Got all dressed and ready only to realize that I had forgotten my tennies. The guys at the gym said I should suck it up and work out in my knee-high boots. Great idea, maybe next time. So now I'm preheating the oven for cinnamon rolls. A nice nutritious dinner. I am going to still try to make the gym later on. I thought I'd rest for a bit, visit with the dogs, eat and then go. Because I really want to weigh myself. We'll see how that goes...

What a mighty poster I am lately!! I don't even know if many people really read this, but I think I've just needed a release and this helps a lot. I'm sure I'm much nicer to DH now that I can get some stuff off my chest without having it be onto him.

For no particular reason. It just is. And I don't feel like putting on a smiling and happy face. Ughhhhhh. I just want to go home and crawl into bed.

Good girl. Ate pretty well, only 1 cup of decaf all day, got a nice workout in with T and didn't have a huge dinner. Pretty good. Plus, I got some skinny cow treats (if you haven't heard about them, they're great for people with a sweet tooth who need a little ice cream at night, plus they have 90-150 calories. They're best life approved by Bob Greene from Oprah) so I ate one of those tonight. I feel full and satisfied even though I know for a fact that I burned more calories today than I consumed.

I'm weighing at the gym tomorrow night because my scale at home tends to be 4-5 pounds lighter than the one there and at the dr. and I want to be realistic. Yay!

that felt great. Posting and then actually following through and going to the gym. I had a great 30-minute workout, got a lot of aggression (and sweat) out and came home to my sweet pups. DH is in Wisconsin for work, so they are sad waiting for Daddy to get home. Everytime Kowe hears a sound that could be the garage door or a car door, she runs to the window and wags her little hiney, only to be let down that it's not her favorite guy. Now I know how sad she must be when I'm gone and I kinda feel bad for J. It's sad to see her waiting. And Lukey is just mopey. He is a cuddler, so being sad makes him want to cuddle more.

Anyway, ramble much? Back to my goal achieved. I went to the grocery, bought some good healthy snacks and packed a great lunch for tomorrow. I'm going to enjoy a salad with FETA while I can as well as some tuna salad for a big shot of protein, and I got some organic blueberry granola with flax seed, which I put with some yogurt after the gym and it was divine.

So far, so good! I'm going to weigh myself in the morning.

Aww, must go. Poor girl is at the window again...

...of not being pg just yet is that I *still* need to lose some weight and now I have a little more time to do so. I've been going to a personal trainer for not quite 6 months, and while I have gained a lot of stamina and I feel a lot better (not to mention at my last physical, my blood pressure, cholestorol, blood sugar, etc. were all stellar--probably a little better than they were before starting to work out regularly), I have not managed to lose really any weight. That is my own fault. I don't eat like I should and I don't get in there on my own.

I love having T (my trainer) because it's a set 2-3 days each week that I have an appointment to work out. And I don't break appoinments with other people. Now if I could just figure out a way to set appointments with MYSELF at the gym and not break those either. So anyway, I thought I might try to materialize some of this weightloss attempt so that it's a way of keeping myself on track and accountable.

I've always weighed heavy. My goal weight is around 170, maybe 160 once I get down around there and see how those weights feel. But I have a massive amount of muscle in my legs and I can build muscle without much effort, which translates into weighing heavily. In high school, at my peak physical condition, I was in soccer and on the dance team and worked out a minimum of 2 hours a day (and some of that was with the football players to boot!), and even then I weighed 150. My body fat % was always between 115-117% which is pretty low for a woman. I believe that the average for women (at least at the time) was around 122%. So, doing the math...if I was even to get myself down to the 125-129% range, I would probably weigh well over 150 lbs. I'm not quite sure what my % is right now, but I'm sure I could find out from T. That is how I come up with my goal weight of 170. Sounds good to me, and my trainer agrees.

Though that is far, far off in the distance for us, we did find out this last week that DH's work offers 5K to anyone who adopts. So that's enlightening. Now if they'd only offer the same assistance for TTC.

BFN. Actually, I didn't even need to test because my temp dropped yesterday morning and I started spotting. And in the Phoenix airport, no less. So I had to buy a 25 cent "thin maxi" which was actually about 2 inches THICK! And then I had to battle the tears the whole flight home and I couldn't fall asleep, so that was not a fun flight.

So on to 100 mg of Clomid and another trigger shot. I'm pretty bitter. More bitter at myself that I let my hopes get up, but bitter nonetheless. I guess I just have veiney bbs. :) They actually lightened, so it makes me wonder whether I might possibly have been pg for a second and then perhaps lost it...I don't know. It's all a big mind game.

• Stuffy-then-runny nose. My cartilage (sp?) is really sore and my entire face feels weird. I think this is sinus-related, but I've never had an issue with sinuses except for an occasional headache behind my eyes. This is WEIRD. When I touch the tip of my nose and wiggle it, there is a pain around where the bone and cartilage come together toward the bridge of my nose.
• One swollen gland. Yep, just one. These first two make me question things since I've heard that some people experience cold-like or flu-like symptoms. So is it that, or am I adjusting to coming back to the cold and dry Indiana weather from the hot and humid weather in Florida? I think that's probably it, so these first two symptoms can be explained away. (Things could really get interesting when I head to Arizona in the morning...back to hot, but probably much more dry than FL.)
• My bb's just started hurting today. Not a major hurt, more like when I touch them (b/c as we all know, when you're searching for symptoms, you feel yourself up incessantly!) So it's not like they hurt all the time, just when touched and especially when I was doing some of the weight machines at the gym and they got pressed. It's my whole breast, not just my nipple.
• You can see the veins in my bbs today really well. I don't think this is normal at all! This is a really exciting sign, but I'm questioning whether they're always like this and I've just never noticed. But I have a large chest and you can never really see my veins, but today when I was changing for the gym, I realized that the veins coming from my sternum-area are really big and pretty dark. I would have noticed that before, wouldn't I?
• My heart rate was high at the gym. I don't even know if this is a symptom, but I can NEVER get my HR over about 165 and my trainer gets frustrated, but says it's because I have a really healthy heart so it's actually a good thing. Well, today, without nearly as much effort as when he has me doing interval training, I got my HR up to 173. Easily. And I was winded, but not even close to what it is when we do intervals and I struggle. Hmmm.
• Finally, when I was driving home from the gym, I kept getting weird sensations, almost dizzy spells. When I got out of the car to come inside, it was really weird, almost like I could have passed out if it had been much worse. Again, not even sure if that's a sign.

So, there you have it. (Any insight on those symptoms would be much appreciated!) I have no idea what any of this means and everything can be explained away. Changes in temperatures, not having worked out for a week due to travel, and I could, in fact, have sore bbs because I'm getting ready to start. But that doesn't usually happen until the actual day I start. I'm perplexed. Excited, nervous, curious, and most of all impatient. I took a HPT this morning and it was a BFN but I'm only 10 dpo.

How sweet would it have been to have gotten a BFP on Valentine's Day. One girl (at least) on the nest did. No little cupid for us. At least not yet, but I'm still holding out hope. Now the only bad things is that I leave @ 5am for my flight to Phoenix and I usually don't temp till 6. So that will be off. And I don't want to test in the am because I don't want DH to have to wait to find out. So we will wait till Sunday when I return. Until then, wish me luck!!

BTW, I'm totally in love with my DH and we're not having a romantical VD because he's in bed with a migrane. Just to clarify. Otherwise, I'd be all up in his business.

My bloodwork came back today and it was all good.

Prolactin-Fine
Thyroid-Fine (Bummer, I thought maybe I was chubby for a good reason.)
And, get this! My Progesterone was (and I quote!) "SUPERB!"

I knew this as I knew that I O'd. So that was all good news. Now we know that the Clomid is working for sure and my body responded to the trigger shot.

____________________

On a side note, I have a weird sense of dread today about what my temp will look like in the morning. I'm just nervous that they're going to plummet. I have my hopes high enough that I even bought some pg tests. I'm leaving for Arizona on Friday (11 or 12 dpo), so I think I'll temp right before I leave. IF my temps are still up. If not, I will probably wait until I get home. I guess I'm just nervous because this is the first cycle that things are looking up (literally-in temps, and figuratively).

oops, wrong link for the message below. HERE is actually my chart.

I am officially in my 2ww. Well, at least, I am if my trigger shot worked. I should be at least 2 dpo. And I realized today when I was talking to J that since I'm traveling in gorgeous Naples, Florida for work, I have been so busy soaking in the sun, eating (and, okay, working a little, too) that I haven't thought too much about whether I'm feeling this twinge or that pain or any other pseudo-symptom that might normally fill my thoughts when I'm at home during the 2ww.

So that's good at least. I haven't even temped in the last 2 days. That's how relaxed and enjoyable this trip is. Sure, I'm working my butt off, but I have a good amount of downtime too, so I've been enjoying the food and the sun. Tomorrow I have a completely free day, so I'm going to get up super early and eat a great healthy continental breakfast and then head to the pool at around 8 so that I can nap all day and enjoy the sun, and hopefully get a bit of a tan to take back and brag to J about.

So, maybe there is a smidge of truth to the whole annoying, "just relax" advice. Though, for different reasons. I'm relaxing and it's helping me to take my mind off of things. It certainly isn't helping me to get pg!

Signing off from Sunny Southwest Florida!!

• HSG
• Testing my Thyroid

The best part? When I mentioned that we want to be smart and not dip into savings OR go into debt, he said that we had all kinds of options that are under $300. He said that if the next 2 cycles don't work, we can do a few months of a $300 procedure and if that's a bust, then we'll head into the IUI territory, but he was very optimistic that we wouldn't need that long.

What a sigh of relief!! On a side note, I definitely laughed when J had to give me the trigger shot. I thought he was going to pass out and I almost called my sister to do it. But he pulled through. I knew he would.

Now the trick will be for me to O and to do so within about 40 hours from the shot. I leave on Wednesday morning for a business trip, so we'll be able to BD tomorrow night, but that's it before I'm gone for 7 days. So it's sort of then-or-never. Hopefully his swimmers are up to the challenge!