unquestionable love

I arrived in DC after a delayed flight, and I have to say that I'm disappointed in the weather. It's dreary. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I can get a nice good look at the cherry blossoms. I could see them before I even landed! I'm so excited!! I'm out of here after just one night, so I don't have much of a chance to see anything, so we'll see if I get any touristy events in.

In other news, I may possibly be ovulating today. GREAT news. Perfect timing. I've been having a little pain here and there for about 3 days, so it could just be that, but if it's O, then I'm screwed out of another cycle. I'm really hoping that the follies hold on a little longer...like till tomorrow!! Then I'd be okay.

And as an update on my tax saga....we got it up to just under $1000!!! Woo! We found a few more receipts (like from when we donated to the Idol Gives Back thing last year and to Goodwill a few times), so those helped, but mostly it helped that I'm a shopaholic and spent more money on jewelry than I made from it. Oops! I told J that the way I look at it, I just got a ton of jewelry for FREE!! He didn't quite agree on that viewpoint. :)

I think that's all I needed to get off my chest. I'm really glad to see that lots of nesties are deciding to start blogs. Now if I could just remember to add them to my favorites and keep track! But it makes me happy, nonetheless.

How did it turn out that we are only getting $249 back from taxes?!?!? What the hell happened there? I was really hoping for a nice big chunk that might pay for an entire IUI cycle or something, but no such luck.

I have a side business, selling amazing jewelry, so we haven't put in all of the info. for that yet, so I'm hoping that'll bump things a bit (because I pretty much spend what I make and more on new jewelry!). Anyway, we'll put that in tomorrow and see how things go.

This just sucks. I thought for sure that my jewelry, our excise taxes, property taxes and both claiming 0 would have helped things out a bit. No. Such. Luck. I guess we should be thankful that we don't have to pay. Just no "free" IUI + a little shopping for me. :(

A second post for the day, so sue me! During my drive home this evening, I came to some realizations. I don't know if it's the beautiful spring weather and being able to roll my windows down, open my sunroof, and enjoy the sunshine. Or maybe it's because of my appointment this morning. But I am working on putting things into perspective and being a bit more positive, and for some reason, I am really at peace with things today. So, for at least today, here are some of my realizations:

• I've realized that I absolutely love my husband. You can read a full, mushy post about this on my real blog, by clicking on 'My Profile' to the right, and then following the "." link to my real life blog. I keep this one private from that one.
• I've realized that we aren't going to have a 2008 baby. 2009 will be my hope, but at the same time, it might be cool to have a baby in 2010.
• I've realized that I am at peace with waiting a few months. At least for now. I'm not impatient today.
• I've realized that I need to take this opportunity to focus on my career. I have a great job and I have a lot of potential for really boosting my career in the long run. That is something that I should not let pass me by.
• I've realized that I should enjoy my free time, sleeping in until noon on the weekends and having lots of time to read, shop, and be alone. I value my alone time SO much.
• I've realized that I can take advantage of this time to continue losing weight. I know that, in reality, there is a good chance that I could gain 40 or 50 pounds during a pregnancy. Yes, I know that the goal is 25 pounds, but let's be realistic! I am overweight and will probably gain more weight than I should. I don't want to even fathom what I would weigh if I gained that much weight...let alone what I would look like!! So if I continue at the rate that I'm going, I can lose about 30 pounds in the next few months. Even if it takes 6 months, I'm okay with that.
• I've realized that I have a Bucket List full of adventures just waiting to be had. And a 100 Must-Read list of books just waiting to be read. I will be working on these furiously.
• I've realized that traveling is a definite possibility. I told DH that if we are not pregnant by the end of 2008, then I am planning a sweet ass trip. Italy? Ireland? Germany & Poland? I haven't decided yet, but it is something that I will make happen if we aren't pregnant, so it's something to look forward to.

So, I feel good. I was far less emotional than I would have expected. In fact, I didn't shed a tear, except for when I wrote the blog post about J. That made me a little sappy. But in terms of sulking and feeling sorry for myself, I am doing well.

I have been having strange pains in my right ovary since yesterday morning. It almost feels like O pains, but I'm only on CD 8, so that's impossible. I don't have my u/s until Thursday and my IUI on Sunday!

Could this pain be caused by my ovary doing some work at producing some follies? I sure hope so, as my right ovary has been a little slacker for the past 2 cycles, while my left side has been super-ovary! I guess I've never had this before...has anyone else experienced pain like this pre-O???

Update on this cycle's decision:

• Cancelled the fun part of our trip to DC, having an u/s next Thursday, hopefully will trigger on Friday night and have IUI#2 on Sunday morning. Then I'll leave Monday morning for DC.

Update on my weightloss attempts:

• They suck. I only went to the gym once this week and have had a sweet tooth like no other. In fact, I am seriously considering driving up the road for some Reese's Eggs. I had a dream about them, people!! That's a craving for you!

Update on the acupuncture:

• THANK YOU!!! Thanks to everyone who responded to my questions! It seems like the overall attitude is that it has a lot of advantages, but no one can tell for sure whether it works that well. Hmmm. I think it's worth a shot. And since a lot of people say to do it for a couple of months to get regular, it might be something that I do if and when we take our break cycle. That way I won't have to worry as much about budgeting it in. Anyway, I really appreciate all of the help!!

Update on my life in general:

• DH is driving me crazy. He's been really grumpy and has every right to be, as I know this is stressful on him, too. But he's been unpleasant to be around about 50% of the time.
• I'm not feeling quite as down as I was. I think getting back to work has helped. We have a LOT of stuff going on at work right now...lots of events and trips, so I have a lot to keep my mind off of things.
• Random side note: I ventured into a consignment store yesterday. I have a black tie dinner coming up and I don't really feel like spending $200 on a dress, so I thought I might be able to find something great (ie bridesmaid's dress that was only worn once or something of the like) and still have plenty of time to get it drycleaned. Well, I didn't find a dress, but I did find a STELLAR pair of Nine West shoes for $12...the soles aren't even used, so I'm guessing they've never been worn! And I also got a really cute skirt from Talbot's that still had the tags on it!! It was only $10. Pretty sweet deal!!! I think I'm going to hit another one here in town this afternoon. It's like high-class Goodwill shopping. And I love me some Goodwill!!
• A coworker, my closest friend in the office, just started a form of diabetic medication to help her ovulate more strongly. I forget the name of it, but the side effects are having stronger ovulations. She was SO sick from the meds that she had to take a day off. So the doctor reduced her dosage and that seemed to help. It's nice to have someone who can kind of relate...though I am so hoping that she doesn't have to be on the drugs for too long, as she is 39 and will be such an amazing mother. I don't want her to have to wait!

Now, for the self absorption. Clearly, I love blogging. It's such a great way for me to get stuff off of my chest, to organize my thoughts, and it's a great place to store all of my plans/dates/meds, etc. It's just a great release for me. But I feel really self-absorbed. Where else can you EVER go and talk about you, and you alone??? Day after day, post after post....all about me!!! I don't think anyone would have friends if they did this IRL! Sometimes it makes me feel kind of egotistical, but in the end, I still love it. I believe that is all.

Onto the next cycle. I talked to the nurse today and she said that the RE had initially noted that he wanted to do just 2 Clomid cycles and 2 IUI cycles. If those didn't work, he wanted to get more aggressive. I like an aggressive doc! So since we've had 2 failed Clomid cycles, 1 of which was IUI, she gave me two options:
1. Go ahead with one more Clomid+Trigger+IUI Cycle.
2. Meet with the doc to discuss further options.

Hmmmmm. Well, since today is CD 3 and the entire reason I had called her was to get an rx for the Clomid that I am supposed to start tonight, I decided to go ahead with a second IUI cycle. I didn't want to waste this cycle. I haven't been temping and if I had, I may have been tempted to just wait this cycle out to see if I happen to O on my own, but that's not an option. So we planned another IUI.

One problem. I have a business trip to DC on March 31. J and I had planned to fly out that Friday to spend the weekend being tourists. That would be Friday, the 28th. My u/s is scheduled for 8 am on that Friday, making IUI likely on Sunday, the 30th. Obviously that doesn't work if I'm not in the state. So now we have to make the decision as to whether we cancel our trip or just decide to go with it and do TI this cycle along with Clomid+Trigger. I'm still up in the air, because it could still be likely that my follies won't be mature enough and the IUI would have to be the 31st or 1st anyway, in which case we're out of luck because I have to be in DC no matter what. I guess I will have to wait till J gets home and we can think it through.

I also got my HSG scheduled. I'm pretty excited for that since they say that it makes you extra fertile for a couple months. Lord knows we need all the help we can get. So that's next Tuesday, the 25th. What a crazy week next week is going to be!

Now, for a POLL: Afor the 'pricks and pokes' part, I am curious to hear any accupuncture stories. I'm thinking about trying it, but insurance doesn't cover anything, so I am wondering if anyone can share their experiences. Thanks!!

• How much does it cost you (and for what treatments)?
• Do you get it specifically for IF?
• Experiences? Good and Bad!

After some thought and some googling, I decided it would be best to delete a few key posts from before. Anyone who reads my blog knows which ones those would be, but I thought I would acknowledge that I did it. I don't want to make this blog private because it's so helpful for me to read other's blogs and I hate when they are private, but at the same time, it's pretty easy to find someone's blog if you search hard enough, so I think it's best. After all, I realized from my ticker that somehow when you google Reese's PB Eggs with certain wording, my blog is a match. Who knew?! But it's happened a few times with a couple of different sites, so I thought it best to dd.

Well, I'm home from Vegas, 5 pounds heavier...oops!! I don't plan to go back ANY time soon. That place was NOT nice to me. I'm not a gambler, clearly. I didn't win my $10. Even more than that, I was on a slot machine for about 30 minutes, got up to go sit with J and wouldn't you know that the lady who sat down after me won $40. No, it's not a lot, but it would have been the simple $10 that I wanted to win. Whatever. I'm over Vegas.

In other news, J and I had a long talk during our hour car ride home from the airport about IF and how much we will continue to do to get pg. We were talking about all the questions that we have for the RE and our nurse, and about how far we will go. For some reason, he's not wanting to do IVF. I just feel in my heart of hearts that this is where we will end up. I certainly hope not, but I feel like that's where we're headed. The thing that sucks is that we're now undiagnosed, so there is nothing to try to 'fix.' We're just flying blind.

Anyway, we got our list of questions and had a nice long talk about everything. Including the fact that I'm turning into a pessimist. This is SO not me. I've always always always been a glass-half-full kind of girl, while DH tends to be cynical and pessimistic in a reasonable kind of way. (ie, he thinks WAY too much and reads into things.) So we've always balanced each other out. I'm a little dreamy and unrealistic sometimes and he brings me down to earth...if a little TOO far down sometimes. But it works. Or, should I say, workeD. Because now I'm finding myself on his end. I don't want to hope or dream or allow myself to have optimism, because it just keeps biting me in the ass. I hate that.

Anyway, we got home last night and I had a very vivid dream about being in the RE's office and asking a MILLION questions. He was moving his chair slowly toward the door, trying to get out to see his other patients, but I just kept saying, "Oh, and one more question. Just one more!" And after he finally escaped, I asked my nurse some questions. I am probably reading a little too much into things, but I feel like my subconscious is telling me that I need to be a little more proactive. Ask questions. Do research. Be proactive. So J got me a pad of paper right after I woke up and I jotted down 5 or 6 questions that I have for the nurse when I call her today to get my next prescription of Clomid. I guess we'll try the educated and proactive approach this month and see how it goes.

But then I think we'll take a break. I don't know, we'll see. It's rough. My RE charges just $300 for an IUI. And this is the last month that I'm paying for my personal trainer. Guess how much he costs. Yep--$320. So in reality, we won't really miss the money if we continue to do IUI's, but I think that my RE will soon push to start injectibles, which are much more expensive. So that may result in a break to save up more money so that we aren't stressing about still putting money into savings while doing all of this. After all, I still want to sell our house and buy a new one in the next couple years, so our normal savings can't be halted. Aaahhhh, why can't we just be lucky enough to get a baby for FREE?!?!?

Enough of my rambling.

BFN. Just as I suspected. I am still in Vegas, having a pretty good time, but ready to get home to snuggle my dogs. I decided to test a little early since I knew that I would be able to get an accurate read, as I was expecting AF on Monday. And I had a little wine with dinner last night, and it tasted so good that I was sick of not drinking, so I wanted to see if I could enjoy some mimosas at the Champagne Brunch this morning. So I tested, got a BFN, and then AF arrived when I went pee after the brunch. What a waste of a digital HPT.

That was a short cycle, though. Only 27 days, I believe. I haven't been on FF for a while, but I'm pretty sure that's what it'll turn out to be. So I guess I can be thankful for that. Anyway, now I have to call the RE and have them call a prescription into the CVS on the Vegas strip for me to pick up on Monday. How thrilling.

Today, I've seen more than my share of baby bumps and I've retired to my room and gotten online for the first time, catching up on emails and blogs. I may head to the pool to read, but for the most part I want to be alone. J is headed to the Championship Basketball game, so I'll probably grab something to reat from the food court and then sulk.

Oh, and to top things off: Purdue lost. We watched the game after searching to find it somewhere and they lost in overtime. EVERY game that DH has bet on, he's lost. So I'm thinking that I need to throw $50 into a slot machine and try to get lucky. Vegas has turned out to be pretty cruel to us so far (BFN, losing $$ on games, Purdue and Wyoming both lost, etc.), so doesn't it seem that we're due for some good news? Maybe I can win $10. That'll make me happy.

We did have a little luck at the Outlet Mall, I guess I should be happy about that. We both got 2 pair of Pumas, so 4 pair total and spent just $134. That's nuts! And then I found a bigger Coach purse to replace my current one. It's cute. I would have rather bought a diaper bag, but the purse will have to do for now.

I'm signing off...

...I made my 7 lb. goal. That is, until tonight when I had Burger King. That'll probably add 4 lbs. right back on. Because that's how my life is. 3 weeks to take it off, 1 meal to put it back on. But nonetheless, I'm excited.

Wow, if anyone made it through that last blog...HOLY crap! That was long and I was definitely depressed this morning. I was being a Bitter Betty. Which I won't apologize for. I'm entitled to that once in a while. But I am feeling a little better this evening. It could be because I leave in about 4 hours for Las Vegas...hmmmm.

Anyway, I heard this Trace Adkins song today, for like the millionth time, (You're Gonna Miss This) and it just hit home for some reason. One of those 'right time, right place' kind of things. I got to thinking that I just need to be thankful for what I have. J and I are blessed beyond belief. We both have jobs that we enjoy. We have a steady and stable income, a beautiful home, great families, gorgeous pups, the ability to travel with freedom and ease...the list goes on. There is just ONE small tiny thing missing. And while it's harder on some days than others (yesterday, for example) to focus on the blessings, I did get a little slap in the face today.

The song talks about different stages of life: childhood, getting married, buying a house, wanting children, having grown children, etc., and the girl in the song is always looking forward and wanting something else. When she's a newlywed in a new apartment, she's looking forward to buying a house. When she's got screaming and crying little babies, she's apologizing to a stranger for it. And the whole chorus of the song is this:

Patrick Swayze is dying? What?!?! I'm so sad. So, so very sad.

STILL sick. I tried to go to work today but left at 11:30. I feel like complete horse shit. J kept telling me to go to the doctor and I finally did that this evening, to find that I do NOT have the flu and it must be some sort of viral thing that is going around. So there is absolutely nothing they can do for me.

She prescribed a z-pack, but was wishy-washy about it knowing that I just had my IUI. That didn't make me comfortable, so I had to pick up some Robitussin (one thing she said I could definitely take) and I asked the pharmacist. He said he'd steer clear if it was possible, especially because if they thought it was viral, the z-pack wouldn't do anything anyway.

So I'm left knowing that I will probably have to take ANOTHER day off tomorrow. This completely sucks. I have so much to do, so many emails to catch up on, 2 projects in the works and 2 trips to plan visits for...all before Tuesday of next week since I leave for Vegas on Wednesday. Stressed much?

The ONE and only good thing: I dropped 4 lbs in a matter of 2 days. I know that it'll creep right back on after I get an appetite back, but it's still good to see the scale cooperating for a bit. I guess I'm off to bed. I wouldn't be surprised if I read this tomorrow and find lots of nonsense and lots of errors, as I took my Robitussin PM, so I'm a bit groggy. Either way, I'm off to cozy up in bed and pass out cold!

On the way to the IUI yesterday, my chest was hurting really bad and I had this weird cough. My throat hurt, but not like normal where it just hurts to swallow...this was more like down in my lungs. So I came home and relaxed all day, and you would think that things would have gotten better as the day went by...

WRONG.

By the time I went to sleep last night, I had a fever of 100, a headache, exhaustion, aches in my whole upper body, nausea, and hot and cold chills. I woke up all night, once I took my temp and it was at 102. J woke up this morning and went to get me some tylenol, since there is nothing else that I can take according to the nurse. That helped, but I called in sick (missing two days of work is going to throw EVERYthing off this week) and went back to bed until 10:00. I feel a little better, but I'm just really pissed at the timing.

I'm supposed to be getting pg. I'm supposed to be healthy and ready to let those little guys implant. I can't help but thinking this cycle is a bust now. I know it can still happen, but I just feel like they're in a hostile environment. :) I haven't gotten sick like this in YEARS. Why now? MIL seems to think it's the flu...I'm sure hoping not. If I'm going to puke, I want it to be from morning sickness. This sucks.

It was tough. It hurt. It sucked.

But, it will all be worth it if it works!!

They had some trouble getting the cath in, so that's what hurt so much. And that made me spot pretty bad, but that has all subsided for the most part and I'm left with a twinge here and a twinge there, which I welcome and love!! I'm feeling stuff on both sides and am hoping that something is working in there. I've rested all day because I have something going on in my chest...feels like a chest cold coming on, but MIL says that this is how a lot of the bad flus that are going around have started. So I cancelled with my trainer (which sucks, because I really need to get my tubby ass in there!) and I'm resting.

On to the 2ww!! The only thing that sucks is that we're leaving for Vegas next Wednesday. That means NO drinking for me while in Las Vegas. How sucky, especially if we end up getting a BFN...then I'll be really pissy!! Maybe I'll have a 'feeling' by then.

I just rediscovered a website that I joined over 2 years ago when I was planning my wedding. I recently started getting emails from them again, but have been sending them to spam. Until I realized that they weren't spam...they were emails from this great site that assists in weight loss and health goals. Who knew?!?!

Check out the SparkPeople website, if you haven't already heard about it. For those who are interested in either losing weight or just being healthy, it is a fantastic site. I think it'll take a while to even discover all that it does offer, but a few things off the top of my head that I love about it:

• You can track your weightloss, minutes in the gym/doing cardio/resistance trainging.
• You can measure your waist, hips and neck and then track those along with w/l.
• You can log your food intake. They have a huge database of food, so as an example, I had 2 cups of Blueberry Morning this morning with 1/2 cup of skim milk, so I just did a search of Blueberry Morning and added it, then it tells me the carbs, fat, calories, etc. I did the same for milk and I was set. It's a great way to journal food without having to look everything up on your own and without having to write everything down. It does all the work for you!
• You can track other goals, for example, I put in a goal of drinking my water. So I can make sure that I'm getting it in.
• There are recipes to search. I haven't spent much time on this but it's good to have the option of searching for healthy things.
• There is a message board, which I also haven't spent any time on, but it's nice to have as well.

Anyway, I thought I would share because I know that there are a lot of people interested in getting healthy!