unquestionable love

I got this quote from A Baby? Maybe...'s blog. It spoke to me this morning, maybe because I had just spent all weekend with my amazing nephews. But it was just something that I needed to read and it kind of reiterates the theme of my blog...thought I would share as well...

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes I will be a wonderful mother."

Congratulations kittylove!!!!!!!!!! I am so so happy for you!!

Isn't it weird that I can be saddened by pictures from someone that I sort of know IRL who has just had a baby, but I can be so ecstatic for someone that I have never met?! There is just something so gratifying about an infertile becoming pg. It gives me hope. I cannot wait for the day that my RE office calls me with the great news. And sharing it with DH, well that, that I just can't even think about because it will get me all emotional.

So, again, CONGRATULATIONS!! I KNOW that your beta is going to double and this is going to be real and perfect! I love that you are going to be real and honest about your pgcy (ie saying it like it is and not sugar-coating things) and I can't wait to read everything.

And I hope you take pictures of your bump as it grows. Not sure if that's in the plans, but I still hope for it.

:)

That is all.

What did I do for Earth Day, you ask?

Well. Actually. I littered.

I feel so horrible but I took the dogs for a walk, equipped with 2 grocery bags for poo. I stuffed them in my pocket and went along my merry way. One dog poo'd. I took care of that and shoved the other sack into my pocket. Then about 10 minutes later and on the entire other side of the subdivision, I realized that somewhere along the way I had lost my other bag. How? I have no idea. So I probably looked like a crazy dog-lady because there were lots of people at the playground and I turn around in midstep, all the while trying to keep the dogs from a.) intertwining their leashes, b.) barking at every child/woman/dog/bird that they (or, should I say, SHE because it's really only the one dog that has an issue with this) see, and c.) cowering underneath my feet because Lukey is scared of little kids. Not to mention that I was talking to them the whole time and definitely caught myself saying "What did Mommy do with our poo bag?" It was a sight, indeed.

But I retraced our entire walk. I searched up and down and even between houses where it might have blown. No bag. I felt so horrible, as it makes my blood boil when people are so disrespectful of our planet. So I was literally depressed all night, cancelled the remainder of our walk and couldn't stop thinking about that one stinking bag.

I think I should go pick up some extra trash today to make up for things. One good thing, though, is that later that evening I was doing dishes and out my kitchen window, I saw a couple walking without a dog, but with a grocery sack the same color as the one I littered. So hopefully they found it (and probably cussed at the irresponsible and disrespectful people of the neighborhood).

I hope everyone did their part for Earth Day to make up for me!

1. My friend from my office (who I believe I've mentioned a time or two) who has just begun using fertility drugs is interested in adopting the baby that I posted about a few days ago!!! How amazing would that be?!? At this point, we're just trying to get some more information for them, so we'll see if it really is as good as it sounds!
2. We are getting my nephews on Friday night and are going to keep them all weekend. I foresee lots of tent-building, pancake-making and zoo-going in my future!! I can't wait!!

Last night, my sister called me with something that has struck me as way too good to be true, but it's peaked my curiosity for sure.

At church, she is good friends with a child advocate here in our city. Last Christmas, their base group "adopted" 8 families and paid for them to have Christmases, and this lady helped to find the families and get things organized. The pastor's big initiative is children, and he's passionate about foster care, so many families in the church have taken in foster children, again through the help of this lady.

So last night, she asks my sister if she knows anyone (or if she herself...half jokingly) who is wanting to adopt a baby. Long story short, there is a newborn baby boy who has been taken from his parents due to having 2 or 3 siblings who were subjected to abuse to an extent that when this mother got pregnant again, there was not a choice, she had to give the baby up (and the other children had already been removed from her care). So right now, the baby is with a foster family, but they are trying to find someone to adopt him.

This is the crazy part. My sister mentioned what we are going through and one of my big cautions with adoption is the cost (if we're going to spend that kind of money, at this point, my preference is to do IVF), and the lady said that the cost is only $1500. What?!!?! To top it off, once all of the paperwork is pushed through and the adoption is complete (you still have to obviously pass all of the tests to get the baby), you get the $1500 back.

Clearly, this isn't something that we're prepared to do. It would be a major decision that would take some time to come to, but I have never heard of such a thing. The only thing that makes me believe it is that the lady is truly credible and just wants to find a good home for this baby. She's not paid, she's just a volunteer who cares. I am just not sure how it could work like this.

I guess it's a good thing, especially if we do get to that point. Anyone else heard of something like this?

Uuuuuuhhhhh. What have I done?!?!

I was being so good. I had been RUNNING on the treadmill. I have had a pedometer on to count steps for the past week. I had been recording all of my food on Sparkpeople. I was really being good!

Until today. Or maybe late yesterday. I did have a small ice cream cone yesterday which maybe was my first foot dropping off of the wagon. But today I have taken a big old leap and am now rolling in the dirt behind the wagon. I can't seem to get myself back on.

I am in a hotel room. There is a gym right downstairs which I should get to. But somehow, I'm too tied up with watching all of this polygamy stuff. It intrigues me. But that's no excuse. I've eaten NOTHING of substance today. Not one thing. I had Arbys for lunch (on the road), a chocolate bar during my drive, some trail mix once I reached my hotel room, some cracker jacks for a snack, and for dinner (at 9:30 no less) I had a hot pocket (how gross!) and some doritos with a Dr. Pepper. What the hell?! I feel like I need to detox my body and I'm absolutely positive that I'll gain 3 pounds just from today.

I feel so heavy and gross. Uugh. Tomorrow HAS got to be better!

...nothing much to report. Blogosphere seems to be a little slow this week. I'm just crazy busy at work and (patiently) waiting on AF to arrive. I know she's coming, it's just a matter of when. Since I didn't trigger this cycle, I'm interested to see if it's longer than normal. Other than that, the weather sucks and I'm ready for spring to REALLY get here!!