unquestionable love

I can't tell you how incredibly happy I am to see this horrid year end. Let's just recap a few of the sucky, crappy things that happened this year:

• Well, the bad year started off last Christmas eve, technically. That night, we had a huge blowout and to put things simply, our mom is no longer in our lives. She leads a dangerous lifestyle and was living with my sister and her boys and it just wasn't healthy or stable or safe for my nephews. So instead of accepting the help that we tried to give her, our mom cut us off. Or maybe we cut her off. We're all bull-headed, but nonetheless, we haven't spoken to our mom once in 2009.
• Not too long after, we found out that J's (maternal) grandpa has cancer. He is the sweetest man; I admire him and his relationship with his daughters so much. I wish I had a dad like him. He has been a trooper through his treatments, and so far things are looking okay...but he is 80+.
• The day Grandpa finished his chemo, J's (paternal) grandma started hers. She was also diagnosed with cancer this year. She is also over 80 and the chemo seems to be taking more of a toll on her, but she's also a trooper and we're hoping she can pull through this as well.
• After all of that, we lost our sweet baby.

So yes, 2009 has not been good to us. 2010 can ONLY get better. We had a lot of good things happen this year, but they are far outweighed by the bad.

Mostly, I have learned a lot toward the end of this year about my family and friends. When we announced our pgcy, I can't tell you how overwhelmed with love and excitement our friends and close family were. We got cards, and letters and emails and voicemails expressing their love for our baby and their excitement for us. Similarly, when we lost the baby, we received just as much love and support.

But you know what was missing? A simple phone call/letter/email/card from either of my parents. Talk about shit for parents! I can only relate the unconditional love that I have for my nephews to what a parent might feel, and based on how much I loved my baby, I can only imagine that it is even more. I can't fathom my nephews hurting in any way without knowing 100% that I am there for them, that I love them, that they mean the world to me. My baby died. My fucking BABY DIED and neither of my parents had the decency to even call or reach out. What kind of human being doesn't have enough love for their own child to simply reach out and let them know that they are loved? As much as I hate the name of my blog, if you remember THIS post where I explained why I chose to call it Unquestionable Love, it only rings more true now. Except that I can't say for sure that my parents ever really have loved me. I had a good childhood because of 2 wonderful granparents and an amazing sister.

But like Oprah always says, "When you know better, you DO better." And I will do so much better!! I will be an amazing parent, wife, sister, auntie, employee, friend, daughter in-law. I am ready for the new year and sincerely hope that it brings better things. It seemed to be a pretty shitty year for a lot of my fellow bloggers, so here's to a better year this year. I am holding out hope that I might still have a baby in 2010...maybe, just maybe.

Just checkin', because I'm ready for them to be! January can't come soon enough.

The D&C went okay. I heard over and over how amazing my doctor is from all of the nurses. That makes you feel good and I completely agree. I appreciated him so much during this horrible experience. He really seems to care and take our case to heart. This has to be an unbearable part of the job. Anyway, he was really great, and having nurses say so really put us at ease (after all, nurses don't tend to lie about things like that...I think they would just say nothing rather than rave about him...)

The worst part of the day was trying to get the needles in. One girl got my IV in (which she put in a weird spot and it was uncomfortable for the entire day, but she got it in), then later she tried to get another vial of blood. She tried 2 different veins and couldn't get it. THE most painful experience I have ever had with a needle!! She kept jabbing it in and wiggling it around...makes me want to puke. So she sent another lady in who had no luck. That lady sent yet another lady and when she still couldn't get it, they pulled out the big guns. The 4th lady finally got it on the first try from the side of my wrist. I thought we were going to have to go all Amy Winehouse on everyone and stick the needle between my toes.

If it weren't for that, the entire day would have been pretty painless, except for the pain in the heart. I held it together here and there for the most part. I lost it every once in a while over little things. Overall, we both got to say goodbye to our baby and tell it that we love it so much, so in the end, I was just ready to get it overwith. J could not have been more supportive. I don't know what I would do without his support.

Recovery has been pretty good. I took some ibuprofin twice yesterday, but bleeding was really light and pain was very mild, mostly not even noticable. Today has been good, too, but I did start bleeding a bit heavier this evening. But again, nothing unbearable. And certainly not as bad as I would have guessed.

I think my emotions are actually much better than I expected. I feel somewhat at peace. I am still heartbroken, but am starting to see a light at the end of this horrible tunnel. I know that we now have an angel that will forever be with us. Dr. J said that we will be able to find out what the baby was, so we have names picked out and will name the baby and plan to plant a tree somewhere in a local park so that the baby will live forever. It should be about a month when we find out the results from the genetic testing. I hope it goes by fast.

Tomorrow is my D&C. I can't bring myself to go upstairs and sleep knowing that this is the last night that I wll ever have my baby with me. I feel bad because I should be up there with J so that he can snuggle me and give his love to the baby, too, but it's just so hard to go to bed with the knowledge that tomorrow they will take my baby away forever.

This is so hard.

We had our 10 week u/s yesterday and found out that our baby stopped growing a week ago. It's over. Just feeling really low right now. D&C will be this week sometime, still waiting on the dr. to call back.

Head over to Suz's review blog to read her always-inspiring words about fashion! My alltime favorite store is LOFT and she recently got to go on a little shopping spree there. Such a fun time!! Best of all, we all have a chance to win a $200 LOFT giftcard! I could certainly use some maternity clothes from there!! Check it out here!

I had thought for years and years how I would announce everything on FB and on my IRL blog, here's what I had to say:

6(+) Rounds of Clomid.....................................................$$
3 Rounds of Femara.........................................................$$
4 Months of Acupuncture.................................................$$
Dozens of pregnancy tests & OPKs....................................$$
2 Rounds of Injectable Drugs............................................$$$
5 IUIs...............................................................................$$$
2 Hysterosalpingograms...................................................$$$$
1 Hysteroscopy & Laproscopy Surgery...............................$$$$$
2 Reproductive Endocrinologists......................................$$$$$
Finding out we're PREGNANT after 38months of trying, and
even having basicallyscheduled IVF for January
...................................................PRICELESS!!!!!

Yes, my friends, you read that correctly! The Wright's are havin' a baby!!!
Now, for the sappy part...

We cannot express to you how much we have appreciated the past 3 years' worth of your support, your prayers, your kind words, your thoughts, your willingness to grieve with us, to get frustrated and angry with us, to laugh with us and to lift us up. We have had the most supportive and loving families and friends through this incredibly difficult journey. We have so appreciated those of you who have asked about how things are going, offered support or just an ear and a shoulder. You will never know the amount of gratitude that we have. Thank you!!

We have tried very hard to remain positive through these 3 long years. We always tried (though we can't claim to have been perfect) to be excited and joyful about the news of friends' pregnancies. We tried to see the bright side and tried to remain hopeful that our day would come. We have enjoyed being newlyweds, getting to travel, and truly settling into what we think is a pretty amazing marriage. We enjoyed the financial freedom and the ability to create a stable and loving home for our future children, not only financially, but also emotionally and maritally. But you all know that we had one teeny tiny, yet oh-so gigantic, missing piece, that, as much as we love Kowe and Luke, two little dogs just couldn't fill.

There are few things that will test a marriage like infertility. It is straining in every way imaginable...emotionally, spiritually, physically, romantically, financially...it is not an easy road. But we like to think we did it with a little bit of grace. We have said all along that WHEN it happened, we would know it was RIGHT, and it was perfect. Today, we would not take back one day of our journey....not one day, one tear, one breath, one dollar. Because today, we are overjoyed and humbled that we have been blessed with OUR miracle baby. THIS is the baby that we have waited for. THIS is our precious gift and we can say unequivocally that THIS baby was worth every moment of the wait. Our difficulties have only made this pregnancy that much sweeter. We think we're able to appreciate it on a deeper level, to anticipate with greater understanding of the blessings we have been given, and to celebrate in a way that we would not have been able to do had we gotten pregnant on our honeymoon as we had hoped all those years ago. Don't get me wrong, we would certainly have been overjoyed, but I just mean to say that we are thankful for everything we have learned, the friendships we have built, the support and unconditional love we have seen from others and from each other. We would not have known those things without this struggle. There has never in the history of mankind been a MORE wanted baby! And there have never been two people MORE in love with a little kidney bean-sized sweetheart.

SO....that's that! We're pregnant! Roughly 8 weeks as of this past Monday and we heard the heartbeat tonight. We are due in mid-July and we're on cloud 9!

Thank you all so much for the sweet comments and congratulations. I appreciate it so much. We are finally spilling the beans on our IRL blog and through facebook late tonight/tomorrow. We have told grandparents, coworkers, etc., and now we're just waiting to tell the world! I'm really excited for people to know!

We got to hear her sweet little heartbeat today. I waited for that moment for so long and it almost doesn't feel real. It was healthy and strong and beautiful.

Again, thank you!

Can you read that sideways picture?!?!?!

Yes, it's true...we are pregnant! We found out on November 1st and were finally able to tell our families on Thanksgiving. I wanted to wait to post because I wouldn't be surprised if my mother in-law found this blog somehow.

I'm still in shock to be quite honest. But I cannot scream from the rooftops loud enough that if you have PCOS, the low amylose diet (which I talked about back in June) and a form of glucophage (for me, it was Glumetza) is something that I BEG of you to consider!!! I am the third person who has gotten a BFP in the past 3 months just with this method. I can't tell you how shocked I was. We had all but scheduled our IVF for January. Our last injectable cycle was scheduled for December and then we were prepared to move to IVF in January/February based on my cycles. I feel like we got a free baby! (Well, a $70 baby!)

So, that's that. We will be 8 weeks tomorrow. Due date is July 12th/13th. We get to hear the heartbeat on Tuesday and after that I think it will feel a little more real. I have had some bleeding and some minor cramping, so I just want to be reassured that she is still in there growing away. (Yes, we're referring to her as a 'she,' for no real reason.)

Anyway, I'm looking at the bright side...at least I don't have 4 nipples for the prometrium to inflict pain upon!

• a diagnosis of PCOS (only after a good year of going to the 1st RE..)
• several rounds of Clomid
• 2 rounds of Femara
• 2 HSGs
• 1 Hysteroscopy & Lap surgery to remove a septum on my uterus
• 5 (or more maybe) IUI's
• 2 or 3 rounds of injectables (or is it more, I've lost count!)
• 2 REs (love the new one!)

And now we finally feel like we are on a good path! New RE, Dr. Miracles, has an entirely different way of looking at PCOS. Read about it HERE if you're interested. Essentially, I am on Glumetza and a new diet called a low amylose diet. I have lost 20 lbs., but most importantly, I have begun to ovulate ON.MY.OWN! This is astounding to J and I! Right now, we're taking a break from cycling, other than taking the Glumetza and a progesterone supp., until January. At that time, if we're not already pg, we will do one last round of Injectables and then we'll move to IVF. We're really hoping that doesn't have to happen!!

So...that's the long of it. I'm always looking for others who may have similar experiences and I look forward to reading lots of blogs this month! The TTC section of my blogroll has really dwindled, while the Baby and Pregnant sections have exploded. Good for all those girls, but I need more people like myself to read about! Looking forward to meeting you all!

Go here to get any combination of 10 OPKs and HPTs.

What an amazing organization!!

Thanks to Happy Hopefuls for sharing the love first.

AF showed today. Not surprising, but disappointing nonetheless. Funny how I've gotten smart enough to pee in a cup, because I have made the mistake more than I care to admit of peeing on a stick, only to wipe and realize that I have started. Would have happened today but I guess 3 years of doing this has smartened me up!

Anyway, we have made some decisions as to what we will do moving forward. Since J's brother is in town next week and we'll be staying at his parents' house, it's not exactly feasable to do treatments this month. Then we've always agreed to take the holidays off since BFNs make for miserable celebrations (something that I've also learned, going into my 4th holiday season of trying!). So that takes us to January. We'll do one round of injectables in January and will plan on starting the IVF in February.

There are a few pieces of good news that come with this decision:
1.) I will have 3 more months of the glumetza and the low amylose diet. This will give the glumetza another bit of time to work its magic. Also, I've been bad about the diet in the past month or two, but this will give me a solid 2 months to get back on and FOCUS on the end result. It will also give me a bit of time to lose some more weight. I'm hoping I can do another 15 pounds before the end of the year. I'm starting the Shred again tonight, which should help things out a lot.
2.) This also gives us an extra 3 months to save! We decided long ago that we would NOT pull from our savings to pay for IVF. So we started adding to an IVF fund at the end of March and we've been able to save around 7K. Not bad for 6 months' worth of savings! I'm certain that we'll be able to save another 5 or 6K between now and February. And, if for some miracle reason, we get pg before then, we'll have that much more in our savings...or the baby's savings. Plus, I am really pulling for a European Babymoon...
3.) We get new insurance after the first of the year. I'm holding a shred of hope that it will cover SOMETHING. Right now, we have zero IF coverage like many others, so anything would be an improvement.

That's the bulk of our decision-making! I'm sure the next few months will go really quickly if they are anything like this entire year!

A few updates. 1st, and most importantly, my sister does NOT have cancer!! The bad part is that she is at the last stage before it gets to be cancer, but it is NOT. I can't even allow myself to go there. It's good news, for sure. But the thought of even the slightest possibility that she won't be with me forever just sends me into a tailspin. I would die.

In other news, I took a test. No surprise that it was -. I'm on CD 28 so I'm thinking it should have showed up + if I was. But nope.

Oh, and to top everything off, I got a call last night from a good friend who was calling to tell me that "XX would be a big brother soon!" While I am over the moon excited for them because the timing is perfect, I am sad for us. They started trying a few months AFTER we did and now they're on #2. Technically, someone could have had 3 babies by now in the time that we have been trying. I think I'm in for another round of tons of friends being pregnant becuase it kind of comes in waves. :( for us, :) for them.

So this, coupled with the emotions surrounding my sister mean that I am a very emotional girl today. Have been tearing up at every cute picture and any other random thing online. I've been thinking a lot. Wishing a lot.

..I wish that I had a mom who gave 2 shits to know what was going on in my life.
..or a dad, for that matter.
..I wish that my sister didn't have to be my mom. She's my only rock, aside from dh.
..I wish that my parents could learn a thing or two from my in-laws.
..I wish that we didn't have so much hope.
..I wish that I didn't have this yearning.
..I wish I could just forget it all, travel the world with my amazing husband, save a crapton of money and give it all to my nephews.
..I wish I hadn't eaten that giant chocolate chip ice cream sandwich.

...BUT none of those are the case. I have parents who never have and never will know what it means to have unconditional love for their children, who will never once think to put their children first, think to call their children to see how things are going, to see if they need support, or love, or..you know, to even wish them a happy birthday for fuck's sake. I wouldn't be that kind of parent. I do hope and I do have this stupid yearning to carry my own baby, OUR baby. I can't forget it all.

And...for the record, I DID eat that damned cookie. It was NOT worth it.

So ready to move forward...but it looks like we've got another month of limbo ahead of us because J's brother will be in town and I don't feel like dealing with shots and meds and all that jazz while they're here. Sad day. Sorry for the rant. I really do try to keep a pretty positive outlook on things. Sometimes the beast just gets you, ya know?

I'm not feeling particularly pregnant. Surprise. I think that the prometrium can play tricks on you because I have definitely been bloated and a bit nauseous here and there, but nothing major.

I'm on CD 27 right now, so I'm thinking I might test tomorrow. I won't be disappointed if I'm not but it'll be nice to know either way and then move forward with trying to figure out a schedule for upcoming cycles.



In other news, my sister finds out today if she has to have a hysterectomy. I'm so scared...they suspect cancer. I can't even fathom my life without her...literally, I CAN'T or I will be a ball of tears and emotions and will get nothing else done. So I'm just taking it one day at a time and trying not to think about it until we know something difinitive this afternoon. And if she does have to have one (like 95% sure she will), then we will be keeping her boys for several weeks. So excited for that, but it may change our plans for the next cycle which is perfectly fine.



I'll let you know tomorrow if I have fantastic news to share!! Here's hoping...as always...

So, things went....well!

Dr. Miracles (his new name!) was *thrilled* with the fact that I had lost 21 lbs. and that the meds and diet were going okay for me. He was even okay with the fact that I have cheated here and there. He said that I have increased my odds of success, whether we do IUI or IVF, by 50% over what they were prior to the meds & diet.

I asked him how he knew it was working and, to be honest, he didn't really have an answer other than the fact that it just does! And really, that's fine with me. He is, after all, the #1 RE in the state and he does have a lot of success stories with this method. It's definitely weird, but I just trust it.

SO then we checked the good ole ovaries. He wasn't planning on doing an internal, but I asked him to and I'm sooooo glad he did! He warned me that my ovaries may not look all that different, so not to be let down. First he checked out my uterus and said it looked beautiful (heehee, I have a beautiful uterus!), then he checked the left. Normally, lefty is my overachiever, so I wasn't surprised when there were still several cysts on it. However, there were fewer than 3 months ago, so I call it a success! But then he got to righty and I can't even tell you how excited I am to say that I had 1 size 11 follie!!! I didn't even see other cysts, though I'm sure there were a few.

The best part about this is that righty has always been a slacker! He asked what CD I was on and when I said 8, he said that's what he would have guessed and it looks perfect for day 8!! So he actually prescribed me some progesterone to start taking 2x a day starting 3 days after O.

If I don't get pg with this cycle, then we have to decide whether we do another injectable cycle or if we move to IVF. I'm leaning toward 1 more IUI cycle this year, and if that doesn't work, we'll do IVF in January.

SOOOOOO. That's that! I couldn't be more thrilled! I'm going to continue the meds and try to lose another 20 lbs. and am looking forward to getting the show on the road! I feel really hopeful.

We will see! I have my appointment with the RE this afternoon to see how much (if any) progress I have made by doing the low amylose diet and the glucophage.

Unfortunately, I had to switch around my appointment due to a business trip next week and J couldn't get off of work. This is the first "real" appointment (as in, not b/w or an u/s...which would be crazy if he attended every one of those!) that he will miss in 3 years of trying to get pg. He feels bad but I'm not too worried about it.

I just hope I ask all the right questions because this will likely be the visit where we talk about next steps, including IVF. So J, being the financial one in the family, will probably have 300 questions that I forgot to ask, but we'll figure it out.

By the way, as of this morning, I am down 21 lbs. from my last weigh-in at the doctor. Good, but not great, considering 11 of those were in the first 3 weeks because I didn't cheat. Plus, I'm wondering if it is more like 15 since I am convinced that our scale is different than the doctor's scale. We'll see in a few hours! But if my cysts have decreased then I'm calling miracle! Epic success! I'm excited but nervous. Will update soon.

It's an official case, too. I will officially start tomorrow (after 2 days of spotting), which means that last cycle was a 30-day one. That's a success! But it means no crazy miracle vacation baby. Not that I expected it but still, it would have been nice.

But I'm just feeling blah. Blah about the fact that I started. Blah about work. Blah about my community commitments. Blah about this blog. Blah about ICLW. Pretty much, blah about everything for the past 2 days. I find myself sitting at work really lethargic, not having the motivation to make the calls I need to make, to do anything really. I just can't stop thinking about how much I want to be at home, on the couch, curled up with the dogs. Sleeping. Or reading.

Maybe I'm depressed. I'm hoping I can kick this feeling tonight and make the rest of this week successful. The one thing keeping me going is the fact that I have my appointment next week. I can't wait to see how my cysts are doing. Other than that, I think I'm checked out of life. Hopefully just for another day or so. I don't usually stay like this for long.

We're back from our cruise. We had a great time. So relaxing. We got to swim with dolphins and play with stingrays in Grand Cayman and then we got to tour Mayan ruins in Mexico. But most of all, we ATE. And ate...and ate...and ate. No joke. Diet? What diet? I lasted for 1 meal. Seriously, one lunch. After that, it was out the window.

But it was worth it. The only downside: I gained about 6 pounds. And our appointment with the RE is in less than 20 days (I think it's more like 18). So I'm back on track 100% today. Plus I'm going to start shredding again. I want to at least be at 25lbs down and would really prefer 30. 25 would mean losing about 10 pounds in 20 days. I don't think 15 lbs is even possible. But maybe if I really buckle down!

I'm just excited to see him again and get this show on the road. The countdown is on...

In case you haven't seen it, HERE is a link to the Cade Foundation's Grant Application process. I believe they are only accepting applications from now until September 1. If you are in need and have the time, give it a go!! It is 10K toward the costs of infertility or adoption. I can't think of anyone who couldn't use it!

Sorry misfit! Bad blogger. I blame it on a hellish work schedule. Nope, not pregnant. Not that I expected to be. One more cycle closer to our next RE visit. Plus, the good news of it is that I can drink on the cruise. Granted, if I stick to my diet, I will be limited to cranberry & vodka but that does the job!

I'm leaving for a work trip tomorrow (Sun), will be gone through Tuesday and then we leave on Saturday morning for the cruise. So I'm guessing I won't be on much until after vacation. My guess is that I will be ovulating during the cruise, so that's nice! At least we know for sure I won't be traveling.

As for the diet, I'm hovering right around 20lbs lost. I can't say that I'm disappointed, but I wish that I hadn't cheated my way through the month of July. If I had stuck to plan, I'm certain that number would be 30 instead of 20. But, I have been getting a lot of sweet compliments and I have definitely begun to notice in the way my clothes fit. J & I got out a box of my "too small" things to see what I had and I was able to fit into a few of the skirts...might bring them on the trip! That made me happy. I just need to get through vacation, hopefully sticking to plan as much as possible, and then get back here and be strict like I was the first month.

Nothing else to report. Thanks for checking in!

I'm now on CD34 with no sign of AF.

My +OPKs were on CD19 & CD20. That means I'm 14-15dpo. I thought she should have showed by now. I guess it could wouldn't be odd for it to happen today or tomorrow, but damnit I'm going to the Dave concerts all weekend and I want to be able to drink without guilt! :) Although, not having to deal with AF during the concerts would be okay too. And, of course I would be more than happy to not be able to drink for...you know, a good 9-12 months!

Just don't want to have an extensively long cycle. I was so excited for everything to be "working" on its own and am hoping I don't slip back to the 52 day cycles that I am known to have. Any day now...

Dear Self,

Honeybuns are NOT worth it. They're never as fluffy and creamy as you expect. They are dry. What bit of sweet goodness you are expecting when you drive yourself to cheat is not there...they disappoint every time. So, quit buying them!

Suzy Q's are NOT your friend. The fluffy white center is never thick enough or fluffy enough for you. If you could build your own Dream Suzy Q, it would be 1/2 the cakey part and double the creamy part. BUT you don't build Suzy Q's. You BUY them. You cheat and lie and hide to get them. They disappoint you every time. So, quit cheating with them!

Very Truly Yours,
Your disgusted, guilty self.

I know one thing, this summer is going WAY too fast! I haven't done an intro for a while, so I thought I would do one this month. Here are 10 facts about me:

1. I'm Christina. J is Josh. We've been married for almost 3 years. Here's a pic on our wedding day (heehee):
2. Like I said, we've been married for almost 3 years (Sept.). That's great, but what's not so great is that we've been TTC for essentially every minute of those (almost) 3 years. Suck.
   
3. I have PCOS. We've done hundreds (okay, maybe not quite, but it seemed like it) of rounds of Clomid, 5 IUIs, 2 HSGs, 1 Hysteroscopy & Lap Surgery, 2 rounds with Femara, 3 Injectables Cycles, Acupuncture/Chinese Medicine, and, well...anything else you can possibly imagine. BUT!!!


4. We fired our RE earlier this year. We went to a new guy (the #1 IVF doc in the state!) last month who pretty much said that everything old RE was doing was a huge waste of time. (Fabulous!) So he suggested 3 months of a very strict, low amylose diet (which I have written about here and here if you're interested), along with Glumetz.a. This will do 2 things. First, it will regulate my hormones and he believes that every patient with PCOS has some level of insulin resistance, so it will help with that, too. Second, it will help me to lose weight which is VERY difficult for me to do! In the first 3 weeks, I had lost 11 pounds and now about a month and a half in, I'm at 15 lbs. lost. (Note: I have been cheaty mccheaterton basically the entire month of July...horrible!, so that's why the loss hasn't kept going. The good news is that it's stayed off and I'm back on the saddle and hoping for another 15 by Sept. when we go back.)


5. Speaking of that, we'll go back in September (if we're not miraculously pg by then) and will do 1 more cycle of injectables (I believe) before making our way to IVF. Let's hope it doesn't take that!!


6. Okay...onto other things. We have 2 pups.
   Kow.e and Luke. (Not sure why K's pic is so much bigger, but I assure you, it's very much like her to butt in and get all the attention.)Aren't they cute?
   
7. I have the best job on the planet. I raise money for Purdu.e Univer.sity, which allows me to travel all over the country, meeting outstanding people and seeing amazing things. I went to PU and am proud to be a B.oilermaker!! Great timing, too, as yesterday we celebrated the anniversary of P.urdue's own N.eil Armst.rong walking on the moon! It was a great day to be a B.oiler!
   
8. I read. I shop. I eat J's cooking. I listen to Dave Matth.ews, Jack Johns.on, OAR. Or KLOVE. I love reality TV (Tori! Denise! Kendra! The Little Couple! Love them all!! Except the hypocritical G.osselin's.)
   
9. We are pretty passionate about the environment. We recycle (obvs...who doesn't these days?), we compost, we have a big garden in the backyard, we shop locally whenever possible, I drive a hybrid car (Fiona...b/c she's "green" with little ears!), we only use reusable shopping bags, we plan on CD'ing. It's just one of our things...and it's much easier than I ever expected!
   
10. We're getting ready to go on a cruise (24 days!!). We have an IVF fund set up and I have convinced J that if we don't have to go to IVF, we can spend that money on a European Babymoon.

Well...I think that's longwinded enough for one day! Welcome, make yourself at home and stay a while! Happy iclw'ing!

...the line was darker this morning! Much, much darker, in fact! Who's an ovulating maching?!?!?!

HOLY.SH!T, you guys!!! Guess what I got today?

I'm perplexed. I didn't think this diet would screw with my cycle, but things are definitely a bit off. I had my normal cycle: spotting for a day or two, 4 full days, and then spotting for another three days. I consider CD1 my first full day, so my cycle was about 7 days. Good..nothing weird there. Days 8 and 9 pass with nothing unusual. Then on days 10 & 11 I start spotting. Crazy spotting, too! But (TMI) only when I wipe. So not enough to make it to a pantyliner but enough to make you go hmmmmm. It's dark, a bit clotty, kind of slimyish. It's definitely weird.

Just documenting for my records...

Maybe my cysts are BUSTING up and moving OUT!

Run on over to Musings of a Fat Chick and after you have read a bit of her blog, become addicted to her quirky sense of humor and subscribed to her blog, take a look at the rug giveaway that she has going on!

I'm in love with the rug and would have several different spots for it in my house! Check it out...

This diet is difficult, I'm not gonna lie. It's hard. I feel like I am eating the same things over and over again. I feel like I am one big walking bing cherry. What really sucks is that I have suuuch a sweet tooth! And it's the freaking summer for crying out loud! Summer means cookouts, corn salsa, trips to the ice cream parlor, ballpark food! It's very hard to get sugar-free, carb-free baseball food! Try it sometime.

Most of all, I love my ice cream. I have gone 2 (1/2) weeks with no ice cream and I finally was about to have a meltdown. Literally. (I blame it on the soon-to-be-arrival of AF.) I was really trying to avoid it because I know that even if I found sugar-free, it would STILL be ice cream, and it would still defeat the whole purpose of this diet. Buuttt...the ice cream won. My life feels complete! I found this:

It is pure heaven in a cardboard tub. To be honest, I don't know if I will ever buy full-sugar ice cream again. Why would I when I like this just as much! Granted, it does have a few grams of sugar, but no sugar added and the sugar grams are minimal. For J's sanity, I think we made the right choice! I highly recommend it for any of you PCOSers trying to do a no-sugar diet!!!

(ETA)...how could I forget to fill you in on this, too?! As of this morning, I was down 11 pounds (if you go by the doctor's scale). 11 freaking pounds in 15 days! Pretty amazing, and makes this diet sooo worth it!

Hmm. Well, I'm experiencing some interesting pains. It's almost the same pain as I felt during injectable cycles....you know the ones, where your ovaries are so swollen and huge that it hurts to sit, stand, lay down or move. And that pain, for me at least, usually comes in waves. Yep, that's what I'm feeling.

Except, I'm envisioning the opposite of that. Instead of my ovaries growing bigger and bigger, I am picturing lots of cysts just bursting, kind of like my bursting balloons theory, except cysts! It makes me not mind the pain.

But...in reality...I think I'm just getting ready to get a visit from AF. That's fine by me! I'm excited to have a cycle down and get to trying naturally for a month or two and see if this diet thing is going to be our magic ticket! Anyway, it's just weird for this point in my cycle. I hope it means good things.

• The Angry Infertile
• Being Infertile
• Along Life's Little Journey
• Betty's Loosing It
• Can You Imagine?
• Journey to a Wondraful Baby
• Salvageable
  

Now for 10 things about me!

1. I don't speak to my mom or my dad.
2. I am the most undomesticated woman in America. (True story.)
3. I love love love pickle juice! I get so excited when I finish a jar of pickles so I can drink the juice. Sometimes I can't even wait and I take an early sip!
4. I want to take a European Babymoon
5. I loathe feet. They gross me out. I hate when people touch their feet. I am especially grossed out by the thought of people touching OTHER people's feet. ::shiver::
6. Even though I think I have the best job in the universe, and I have the potential to make a lot of money in this career, I have daydreams about being a SAHM. I think it's mostly for the naps that I think I would get.
7. I feel like we're pretty green. I drive a hybrid car, we have a garden, we compost, we recycle. And I judge people who buy bottled water and don't use reusable shopping bags. I don't mean to but it seems like such a waste to me.
8. I managed a bank for 2 years and came out of it thinking bankers are crooks. (Not people who work in banks...the upper management and owners of the banks.) I worked for a privately held bank and I think the owners might as well be in the mafia.
9. The more I travel and see different parts of the country, the more it makes me wonder why I live in Indiana. But then I remember that this is a fantastic place to raise a family, people are genuinely nice and we have 4 seasons, which I love. We may move someday, but for now I think it's alright...just have to keep reminding myself of that!
10. If I were to have a cheat day and be able to eat anything that wasn't on my diet, I would have 2 slices of thick crust pizza, ice cream (probably an assortment of flavors), a snickers bar and a coke. Lord, what I wouldn't give right now...

Thanks again Courtney!

Hey misfit!

Sorry it's taken me a few days to get back to you on your questions. As an update, I'm 11 days into the new diet and still have yet to cheat once! I'm pretty proud of myself, especially after a huge going away party with the best looking cupcakes EVER this morning!

As the "being too regular" goes, yes...you're right. To an extent. The nice thing is that I'm pretty sure you will be miserable if you cheat. So it is some nice motivation. So that keeps you to eating lots of fruits and veggies. At first I was nervous that I might get...er, stopped up, if you will! I can't normally eat too much cheese and with this, I eat a ton. That, combined with the fact that I can't really eat any typically fiberous foods (I used to eat Fiber One bars a lot, as well as Mini Wheats and a lot of other fiber-full foods). So...to be frank, I think things are pretty good in the digestive department! I was sure to taper up on pills and usually try to be close to home (or a hotel room, as I was traveling a lot for work recently) when I go up a dose, but really, it's not too bad.

And as for what the diet targets, I obviously don't say it as well as my doctor, so HERE is a link to his site...if you click on the "download PDF" link, you can read a TON of information about it. But the long and short of it seems to be that he suspects some amount of insulin resistance in any patient with PCOS. He said it's rare to even test anymore because he just assumes that we have it to some extent. Because of that, he says that bread, pasta, and all of the other "off limits" things basically turn immediately into glucose in our systems. This (I think) causes an increase in many male hormones and doesn't allow for enough of the female hormones that we need. This doesn't allow our follies to develop like they should, so like I mentioned last time, drugs like Follist.im will, indeed, make the follies bigger but they won't be of the quality that they should be.

So far, I am feeling pretty good about things! I have found a few "tricks" for my own chocolate-and-sweet-obsessed mind. I use some add-in packets for water that make me feel like I'm having a treat, I eat a lot of Trader Joe's organic trail mix with nuts and cranberries, I am loving apples with natural (no artificial sugar added) peanut butter becaus it feels like a sweet treat. Surprisingly, eating out isn't too bad either. We're working on fixing more fish...but that's harder to do when you live in Indiana! If you have any other questions, do not hesitate to ask!

OMG, we feel like we may have wasted the past year and a half with our old doc. BUT we aren't going to look back or regret. After all, there is no guarantee that the new guy will be a miracle worker.

Here is what we learned (may be of interest to those with PCOS):

• Dr. J says that he hasn't used Clomid for over 6 years. He doesn't feel like it's reliable enough and he seems to think it is a waste of money. (We did MANY months of Clomid!)
• He also didn't agree with the use of Follisti.m (for me...because of the PCOS). His view is that it produces nice big follies (which definitely was the case for me), but that they are basically useless. Essentially, big in size but not good in quality. This makes sense since we always had such great looking follies (size-wise)...always producing 3 or more...yet never even an ounce of success.

Soooooooooooooooo....what are we doing? Not moving into IVF right away, which we're excited about! Instead, we are going to "pretend" that I have insulin-resistance, though we don't know for sure if that's true. So, he prescribed a form of glucophage called Glumetza. Plus, Dr. J is a big proponent of a low amylose diet, so I have started that. What is it, you ask? Well...here are the basic guidelines for it:

1. Avoid all simple sugars such as candy, sodas, cakes, pies, ice cream, etc. (Basically, everything that I love!) These are almost pure forms of glucose.
2. Avoid vegetables that grown underground (hello...potatoes!!??!), bananas, and foods enriched with maltodextrins or corn syrup.
3. Avoid wheat, rice, rye, barley, and oats.
4. Eat a minimum of 3 servings each of above-ground vegetables and fruits daily.
5. Eat at least 6 ounces of protein every day.

Sounds like a TON of fun, huh?!!? Especially for a girl who craaaaves pasta, bread and ice cream. And chocolate. Yeah...I thought I was going to absolutely die. But, guess what? It's not all that bad! Seriously.

The good news is that this diet, combined with the meds, typically results in 1.5 lbs. of weight loss per week and up to 10 pounds a month! I can already attest to this, as I am 5 days in and have lost 5 pounds already!

For the sake of not having a mile long post, I will write more about the diet another time. But for now, we're doing this for 3 months. At that time, we will see what my cysts look like (hopefully they have reduced in number) and he said that he would not be surprised if we don't need any other treatments, but if we do, we'll discuss our options at that time. I am so excited!!!

I completed day 12 of the s.hred last night (have missed 2 days in there). It's still addicting, though the second circuit is tough, so I feel like I'm not doing it quite as well as I should be. But I weighed in today and was down about 2 pounds! It's not 10, which is where I "should" be if I was going to lose 20 in the 30 days, but I'll take it!

I really wanted to be down 10 pounds before my RE appointment next week. I don't think it's going to happen. The thing is, I need to buckle down on what I'm eating. I definitely had 5 little snack-sized Snick.ers bars last night. Umm...oops! Today, I'm on track.

Coffee, 90-calorie bar for breakfast
Pasta salad, banana for lunch

I can do this!!

I forgot to mention 2 things...

1. I completed day 7 of the shre.d last night! I moved to the second level which definitely kicked my ass! Actually, it kicked my arms. It's an arm-intensive workout. But it's nothing that I can't handle and I'm excited to do it again tonight! I've only missed one day which is really impressive for me. I never stick to something like that, but I actually find it really fun and I think I'm seeing results. I even walked 1/2 a mile and ran 1/2 a mile for one of the workouts last week. I'd love to work myself up to be able to shre.d and then run for a mile. THAT would be a freaking workout! However, I forgot to measure myself or take a picture beforehand, so I really don't know what, if anything, I have lost in terms of inches. My weight has gone down a few pounds but nothing unusual since I go up and down a few pounds every couple days.
2. Have you freaking HEARD the new Dave cd?!?!?! It is pure enjoyment...pure heaven...pure genius...as usual. I am so in love! If you haven't heard it yet, you can listen to it HERE. I love every song, but particularly the last two. They remind me of J.

I'm boring lately. I've just been trucking along and traveling a lot for work. Here are a few developments:

• I found out that the girl I mentioned in this post did, in fact, struggle with IF. She reached out to me a few days ago and was amazingly sweet. It came at a good time, too, as I had just returned from a luau party where, of about 12 couples, we were the ONLY ones that didn't have kids. Needless to say, you can imagine what every conversation revolved around...
• Saving for IVF is actually coming along pretty well! We've been able to save $1000-$1200 each month for the past 2 months. That makes me happy!
• This coming month is going to be fantastic. We're going to a Cubs game next weekend, then I leave for a trip to Colorado (never been!), followed by a trip to Washington State (also never been) the following week, followed by a trip to PN (also never been!) the week after that! I love checking states off of my list...especially when I get to go on someone else's dime! BUT it will also be a really hectic month. I will be so exhausted by the end of it.

Yep...that's about all I've got. Speaking of popping balloons, I haven't had any here lately which makes me a little uneasy. I'm thinking I'm due for a few...not sure who, but I'm sure they're out there!

I'm so pumped up to start shredding again! Several months back, I was all set to start it up and it...just....sort of.......didn't.................happen. But I was running a bit. Okay, a bit could be defined as, like, once every 10 days. But I'm really ready now! I can't wait to shred it up tonight! Plus, I will have 2 1/2 weeks in by the time I get to my new RE, so I'm hoping that I will have shredded (shred?) a few pounds away.

In other news, did you know about the fantastic VS sale? If not, rush out the door right now. VS cotton pan.ties are 10 for $25 right now...normally 5 for $25! If you wear them, now is the time to stock the freak up! Plus the Limi.ted is having a good sale, too. Mem Day sales are too good to pass up. I saw that Ol.d Nav.y will have the solid colored flip flops for $1 tomorrow. Good deal for someone who happens to like those things. Just please STOP wearing them when they get all dirty. I hate those damn things because people can't just GET RID of them when they're dirty. Now you CAN! You pay $1 and you won't have to feel guilty of getting rid of the nasty suckers when they are dirty. Okay...that was a nice little vent for you. Dirty flip flops get under my skin.

That's all in my world. Shredding and shopping. Yeehaw.

...it was certainly a piece of cake! My annual, that is. I tell ya, it's amazing what all of those IUIs, HSGs, surgeries, balloon removals, shots, pokes and prods will do for a girl's pain tolerance! I used to loathe my annual exam but geez, yesterday I felt like a pro!

Going forward, I plan to FULLY judge anyone who bitches about her annual. Because I can, damnit!

I can't tell you how hard it was for me to hold everything together yesterday. I don't know why--I should be getting used to this. After all, this was my 4th Mother's Day spent hoping that next year might be THE year. Except I know it won't. And I didn't spend it hoping, exactly. We're not even doing IVF until January. Granted, if I'm actually lucky enough to get pregnant during that IVF, we will have much reason to celebrate but it still sucks. I have stopped doing the whole, "next year at this time, I will have a baby in my arms...or in my tummy." It's pointless.

So yesterday was spent pretty much in a state of depression until J got home from work. I laid in the hammock and got some sun, I laid on the couch and tried to find some non-Mother's Day-related tv to watch. I cuddled my dogs. And then he got home and I had to start getting ready for his parents to come over. He brought me home a card from the dogs which made me cry. Then he got me a rosebush, also from my dogs, which made me cry. Then I got in the shower and cried some more. Then I had to get my act together and celebrate with his mom.

I'm glad it's over. I wish I had more of a reason to have hope. And I wish I had a relationship with my mom that could be celebrated on Mother's Day. Pretty much, my sentiments haven't changed since my letter to Mother's Day yesterday.

Dear Mother's Day,

Screw Off.

Yours Truly,
Christina

• Last cycle was a failure. It was harder than ever. Especially for J. We both had our hopes UP. Really up. As we all know, that makes the fall even harder. To top it all of, I got yet another BFN while traveling and away from J. It's so much harder to take when I'm sitting in a hotel room. You'll recall that I got AF while in the airport on the way home from a business trip in Arizona, while in Vegas (though that wasn't for work and I was with J, but it still sucked), while on a business trip in Chicago, and most recently while on a business trip in Boston. This time it was much worse because J couldn't hold back the tears so we were so many miles away and crying over the phone. It sucked. This was 33 days ago and I could still cry at the drop of a dime.


• I fired my RE. Last cycle, there were issues with scheduling appointments, I hated the fact that I never got to see my RE (not even passing him in the hallway!) once, and only saw my nurse one time. The rest of the visits were with nurses from other practices. They could never find my paperwork and I didn't feel like I was getting the quality of treatment that $3500 OOP called for. Not to mention that I never heard from them about why I didn't show up for my beta, or scheduling a WTF appt., or talking about next steps. NOTHING. So, I pulled a Donald and fired their asses!


• Which means that we have an appt. with a new RE in June. It also means that our next step is IVF. So THAT means that we will be saving up for the next year to do said IVF. Luckily, the new doc has a shared risk plan, which makes me very happy. And he is ranked #1 for IVF in the state. But the bad news is that I really need to lose about 20 pounds before that appointment. I can totally do it, but I have to get to work. Still trying to run and do JM's 30-day shr.ed, but I have been so down in the dumps that I have had zero motivation.


• The good news is that we are planning a cruise in August, along with a possible trip to Ireland late in the year and another possible trip to Wyoming which will be tacked on to a work trip. We're also planning lots of little weekend getaways over the summer, so I'm pumped for that. It probably seems silly to be doing that stuff while trying to save 15K, but I really just feel like we still need to enjoy life. We have enough in savings to do a round of IVF but we won't be taking any $$ out of savings. We're going to save the entire amount from now until hopefully next January and we hope to do the IVF in January or February so that we can welcome our TWINS home in time for Christmas. (Yeah, that's wishful thinking, huh?!)


• I have been completely out of the loop. I haven't even wanted to read blogs. I check in and I'm happy to see the many BFPs that have come about. It's just really hard. I didn't participate in ICLW for February, March or April. (Well, I signed up one month but didn't leave a single comment. Sorry.) Maybe I will next month. We'll see.

Lastly, funny story. I was feeling really unloved by blogland. I hadn't received ANY comments, even during the last ICLW and I was really kind of sad about it. Then I realized that I *had* been receiving comments, but somehow I had turned on the thing where I need to approve all comments (weird). So...I feel much better. Sorry I have not been a good blogging friend. I have saved all of the comments and will try to get back to you all this weekend. I appreciate the support even if it is a month later! Also, I am thinking about changing my blog. I hate my blog name and may be doing that soon...I'll let you know.

I have to write it down so that I don't forget!

Yesterday morning right before I woke up for good, I had the most amazing dream. I've really been trying to use the visualization and thinking about my baby/ies coming to me and thinking of the flower in bloom...all recommendations from the acupuncturist. I'm working hard to do this. So this is the dream I had:

I was standing in the hospital and some family/friends were sitting on my bed, I was standing. A nurse came in to tell me that they would bring me cold jello (then she plopped some red jello cubes on a tray) anytime I wanted and that I would not be able to have chicken or pork, to which my mother in-law responded, "Oh, well, that'll be good for you!" (Leave it to the porker over here to be dreaming about food on all occasions!)

So next thing I know, I am sitting in a big brown leather chair that rocks and I am holding my baby! I could see her face, which was really great because I have had baby dreams before but I couldn't see the baby's face...only legs on a changing table. Anyway, it was a girl and she had lots of brown hair and blue eyes that looked like J's. I held her in front of me and she was kicking her little legs like crazy. Then I held her face to my cheek and she started suckling on my cheek. It was so sweet and I remember saying, "Oh, I guess she's probably hungry. I haven't nursed her yet."

Then I woke up. And I smiled all morning thinking about that dream.

So I had a very frustrating appointment this morning. It ended in some tears. :( It doesn't help when I get to the OB's office, they have no orders from the RE (my RE is an hour away so I do u/s's and b/w in town at my OB's office). Fine, they get it figured out...while I sit in a room with about 1200 pregnant teenagers..what fun! Then I go back and get my u/s. More on that in a sec. Finally, it's time to get my blood drawn and I have to go back out to the waiting room full of fertiles to check back in for the lab. Only they tell me (in front of all of the onlooking fertiles) that I can't get my blood drawn there because I didn't see an actual doctor. I have to go ACROSS town to get my blood drawn. WHY!?!? There are plenty of people standing around who can draw blood...and they have my orders...but NOPE. I have to drive across town.

So I make a quick exit with many fertile eyes upon me. I get to my car and the tears start. It was horrible. I guess it's an emotional day...I'm not sure about the results of my u/s or if things are going as they should be and I ended up being to work an hour and a half later than expected because of all of the waiting for orders, driving across town, waiting some more, etc.

BUT....there is a silver lining. Remember THIS post where I talk about the song, I Can Only Imagine? It gives me so much comfort..and hope. Wouldn't you know that as I am driving from one clinic to the other, sitting at a stoplight in tears, the song comes on! I just said "thank you thank you thank you!!!" It was exactly what I needed. I can't explain it but it made me feel even more that this cycle is going to be it for us. I'm trying hard to block out the negative thoughts and allow myself to say aloud that this cycle WILL work. What amazing timing...I just can't explain it and it isn't coincidence...there's no way!

So, as for my u/s, I think it went okay. At first I thought the follies were too big but after looking at October's cycle, it seems like they might be right on target. Except that righty doesn't seem to be pulling her weight, like usual. Here's what she saw:
Left:
12
11
8-9ish

Right:
7
8

The scan wasn't very long and I feel like there could be another one or two lurking. I'm looking forward to cd12 because it'll be at the RE's office and they'll be more thorough and we'll also be able to see how many contenders we really have. I'm okay with 2 or 3. I'm so used to many many follies but I would rather have 2 or 3 that are better quality than a lot of smaller ones wasting my meds!

My acupuncturist actually said "Your body is ready." She said those words!

Here's the advice she gave me:
She talked a lot about visualizing and using images to remind myself what I want. She said to envision my womb and my body as a blooming flower that is opening up and ready to accept a baby. She said I should use this image when I am taking my herbs and when I'm doing my injections and also anytime I'm thinking about the process (ie during my u/s's and my IUI, after sex, etc.). This is actually really helpful for me. I have been online this morning just looking at some flowers opening so that I can have a few images in my mind.

The other thing she told me to envision is my baby(ies) spiraling down from heaven. It sounds kind of silly, but from her perspective, children choose us and we need to keep the pathway open. She said not to allow any negative thoughts and I said that I do try, but with as much letdown as we've experienced, it is a bit hard to not try to protect myself. She said to let it all go. (Yeah..easier said than done...but I'm really trying!) She said that the mind is a very powerful thing, moreso than we realize, and that our negative thoughts really can block things from happening. We talked about how since I was little, I have pictured myself having twins. She said that our minds know things and that when doing my visual imaging, I should picture two babies coming down and picture life in our house with 2 babies. (Like 2 babies meeting the dogs, 2 babies in the crib, etc.) She just reiterated that it is so important not to block the "path."

She also suggested that we watch the Secret video. I have seen the book and am familiar with the concept, but haven't read the book or seen the movie. She asked me to watch it before next Monday's session.

Anyway, I thought that this might be helpful information. I am so excited that she said my body was ready! I *feel* like my body is ready! I guess that what I am taking away from last night's session is to really try to force out the negative thoughts, so every time I have doubt or worry, I try to think about the image of the flower.

I realize this may sound a little bit mind-body-hokey-pokey to some, but I really think there's something to the whole thing...we'll see in a couple weeks!

First off, welcome ICLWers! A short rundown of our journey is to the side, but the short of it is that we've been married for 2 years and 5 months and we've been trying ever since. We're currently on our 5th IUI cycle, 2nd with injectables (F-stim). I do weekly acupuncture and that's pretty much it! We've got a lot of faith in this cycle. Welcome and please feel free to stick around!

So I officially started my shots tonight. It is such a regimen! Since I'm taking the "baby pills" from the acupuncturist, which are sworn upon by many, it adds a little extra work. So I take 50 of these tiny pills in the morning before breakfast, then I do my shot and 50 more pills at night along with my prenatal. I feel like I'm taking pills all day long. But hopefully it will be worth it!

I had to get my baseline yesterday and my nurse gave me 600iu of F-stim. I am so thankful for the help!! She pretty much just stuck $500 in my pocket which is pretty awesome.

Oh, and to top that good news off, I headed to the mall and found an awesome sale at NY&Co. They had suits on sale for $9.99 each piece, so I got 3 full suits (jacket and pants) in 3 different colors, plus a skirt to go with one of the suits and an extra jacket that will go with lots of pants. I can't pass up a good bargain and I really needed to replace a couple suits that I've worn to the ground. Sweet deals!

That's about it for my excitement. Now enjoy a pic of the cuties after their bath last week:

I laughed so hard!

AF has finally peeked her head around the corner. Spotting started yesterday (CD 34) and it's looking like tomorrow will be CD1! That is great news because it means that the acu is still somewhat working. I think a 35 day cycle is still alright...normal, even!

All of my drugs arrived yesterday so we're good to go there.

I ordered the Shred video. It should arrive in the next day or two. Exciting!!

Finally, this song is speaking to me right now. I've been listening to K*Love and have always loved this song. It's been one that has given me chills since I first heard it. And every time I turn on the radio, I hope for it to come on. Lately, it's been happening with timing that I cannot pass off as coincidence. Twice in the past week, at *just* the right time, I have gotten in the car and had it come on. Once it was after a not-so-soothing acu appointment when I was really questioning whether things were working and then this morning, as I am contemplating this coming cycle and whether we are making the right choices, it comes on and feels like God is truly wrapping me in a blanket of warmth. I can't explain it any other way. I'm really not all that religious. But I just feel a peace when I hear this song. (Then I make a quick apology to Him for my horrible singing because I'm sure He's sitting right next to me in the car and probably doesn't enjoy the tone-deafness of my voice!)

The thing is, this IS a religious song. But isn't it funny how lyrics take on new meanings at certain times in your life? Right now, with every fiber of my being, I sing this song to my future child. It might sound silly, but the the words, for me, are about God and about the day that I welcome a baby. I don't know if that makes sense, but take a listen. I hope it speaks to you and comforts you in the same way as it does me.

What was I thinking? $1500?? Yeah...I was a smidge off. Just got a call from the RE and it looks like this will be my cost:

• $500 for all of my drugs (hopefully!)
• $1260 for all b/w, u/s, and doc fees
• $300 for the IUI

That's a total of $2060...so a bit more than my estimated $1500. But still less than last time and hopefully totally worth it! The (hopefully) 600iu of F-stim really help and I do remember now that our last inj. cycle was about $2500. So that makes sense. I'm still waiting on AF to arrive which sucks.

In other news, I am still at just 2 miles for 2009. I suck. It's so hard to run on the treadmill and it got really cold again. Bad excuses because J is still getting in at least a mile or two a night on the treadmill, but I'm super unmotivated. The good news is that I did get my new Nike*+ shoes for the nano so I should be able to calibrate them soon and also I am picking up the Jill.ian Michael.s SHRED dvd. It claims that you can lose 20lbs in 30 days. Which means that I can probably lose 5 in 30, but most importantly I have read that it is a kickass workout which will go along well with my jogs.

I can't get that John May.er song "Waiting on the World to End" song out of my head...only I am waiting on my cycle to finally end.

I'm kind of let down. All of those great hopes for the acu working....nope. It's now CD 30 and no sign of AF. I'm having some twinges and pains in the ovary area...perhaps they are cramps...???? I realize that things are still okay for a "normal" cycle, but I was really hoping for an even 30-days.

In another day or so, I will be forced to take a pg test, as they ALWAYS induce AF.

The great news of the week is that I'm pretty sure my nurse is going to hook me up with 1/2 of my F.ollistim!! She said she was going to track some down for me and then when the pharmacy called, the script that she called in was for 600iu. My last injectable cycle I used 1200iu, so she saved us a LOT of money!! It looks like we will get away with around $1500 for the F-stim, the trigger, the IUI and all of the b/w and u/s's!! Suuuuweeeeeet!

SO...now we wait!

...miles, that is. My goal is to run 500 miles in 2009, so I really better pick up the pace. The good news is that J and I are finally back on track with running. We have gone the past 2 nights and only did 1 full mile the first night and then a mile and a quarter last night. Since we haven't run since October, we thought we better start off slow and steady. I was glad that I could actually do a full mile without stopping (no, it isn't much, but I'm chubby people!) and I think I could probably do 1 1/2 or 2 if I pushed myself.

I finished the book that I mentioned in my last post. It was...meh... I could never really get into it and wonder whether the author actually experienced IF because a lot of it seemed a bit far off. I was hoping to be able to fully relate and fall in love with the main character but that didn't happen. Not even close. HOWEVER it was NICE to get it checked off my list and to actually read a book that focused on IF. I am happy to pass it along, so Liddy, if you would like it, just email me your address (christinambw at gmail dot com). Okay, now I realize that I just bashed the book so you may not want it! Hopefully you still do, otherwise I'll open up the floor to anyone else who is interested.

In other news, I am in a serious blogging funk. I still have over 100 emails to read from my vacation. I have zero motivation to do so and I find myself clicking through them (especially the pgcy ones with no pics) without reading. I know this happens, but the anal part of me hates feeling like I'm going to miss something. The bulk of what is left to read are the TTC ones and I really don't want to skim through them. I wonder how many BFPs will have been announced in the 3 weeks since I checked some of them! That will be exciting. I'm hoping to pull myself out of this funk soon.

Hopefully I will start to feel more into things when I start cycling again. I am at CD 21 right now so I'm anxiously awaiting AF's arrival so that we can begin our next injectable cycle. That should get me moving!

I have been out of it since we got home! I still have almost 100 blogs to catch up on, but that's much better than the 496 that I started with! I sucked at ICLW. Seriously...sucked. But I'm going to be better in Feb.

So, lots of random updates:

• I got back to work on Tuesday, had a full-day retreat on Wednesday, followed by an acu appointment, a hair appointment and finished the night having a looong conversation with my sister till 11:30, then on Thursday the in-laws came over for dinner and tonight I'm going to see Rev.olutionary Road with my sis (so excited!). Tomorrow I am either going sledding and making snow cream with my nephews OOOORRRR I am driving to Indy to catch the Superamazing deals at my dearest AT Loft. (Seriously, folks. They're having 50% off of the already reduced clrx prices and if the already marked prices are anywhere near what I got while on vacation, then I'm stoked.) Plus, I am hoping to stop by the Trader Joe.s while I'm down there. Sooo, get the shopping "high" or get the spending-time-with-the-nephews "high," it's a choice that must be made.
• Tomorrow night, I'm excited for a girl's night, especially because it is with some newish friends and there will also be lots of people that I haven't met before. I always like to meet some new people!
• I started a new book last night. It's this book: I plan on passing it along to someone who is interested via the blogosphere. After all, no one in my real life is infertile. So if it is good (which, I made it through 2 short chapters before passing out last night, so I'm still not sure), I will let you all know and I'll send it to someone who's interested. The back cover reads:

  Emma has it all mapped out: Go off the pill in December, have sex,
  get pregnant by January, have the baby in September. And with the help of a
  personal trainer, Emma figures she'll be back in shape by Christmas. Happy New
  Year!
  But when three months of candle-scented sex fails to produce the
  desired result, Emma's life becomes a rollercoaster of post-coital handstands,
  hormone inducing (a.k.a. sanity reducing) drugs, and a veritable army of
  fertility specialists. Emma and James try everything, from ovulation kits to
  in-vitro, but all their carefully laid plans seem to go south -- in direct
  proportion to Emma's plummeting self-esteem. And just when Emma feels she's
  alienated everyone in her life -- her twice-pregnant confidante, her singleton
  friend, even her own husband -- eventstake a ninety-degree turn that will have
  unforeseen consequences for everyone.
  With The Baby Trail Sinead Moriarty
  brings a wicked sense of humor to a subject of fevered concern for women today.
  Sizzlingly funny yet deeply moving, this novel is sure to ring true for women
  who can hear the tick-tock of their own biological clocks.

• I just finished a great book. Seriously, amazing. And J finished the "sequel" to it a few days ago and said it was just as good as Pillars. I can't explain it, but this book got inside my head. Everything I did while reading it, I pictured doing it in the setting of the book. Every time I saw something, it reminded me of something in the book. I love it when a book does that!! I still think about what the characters might be doing at this exact time even though the book takes place in the 1700s! So, I suggest it to all. 100%.
• Acupuncture hurt the other night. For the first time EVER. I think it might have been due to not having gone for almost 2 weeks. But certain points really pinched. But it was weird. When she put it in the top of my foot, it pinched on the opposite side on my big toe. When she put it in the top/front of my calf, it hurt down near my ankles. Kind of interesting. And for the first time, she did some points to focus on the IF. I don't have high hopes but I will definitely be glad if I get another 30-day cycle.
• Ummmm. What else? Oooh, I got all of my jewelry in! I took pics and am going to post them. I loved every single piece. Usually when I order several pieces, there are 1 or 2 that I am disappointed in...or maybe they just fit differently than I think they will. Not this time! Of the 24 new pieces, I absolutely love every single one of them! Some will go with more than others, but I am so happy that I made good choices!
• I have gained like 5 pounds. Yuck. I guess that frozen custard that I had for lunch isn't helping much.
• Ummm...oh, yeah. I bought some OPKs. Took one last night, but it was a negatron babylon. I think that *.if.*.if.*.if.* I did O this month, I probably took the OPK too late. I am hoping that I O'd on like CD 14, which was actually yesterday, so I feel like the OPK would have had to have been taken before yesterday. There was a dark line, but it wasn't darker than the control line.
• Finally, Happy Anniversary to me!! I started blogging 1 year ago on Jan. 7th. (IF blogging, that is. I've had my IRL blog for 3 years, also in January.)
  
  So...I think that might be all of my news. I'm very much looking forward to a little downtime. And my period, funny enough.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!