Sometimes, its as if you treat your close ones as superhuman, thinking that there will always be time to spend with them later and that they will always be there waiting for you. However, reality can be cruel, and when it hits you, the blow can be rather devastating.

I've so many other things on my mind, my eye infection, the insomnia, playing with my new hamsters, agonizing over the frustrating 314 test, impending lab report, emoing about feeling ignored... But the truth of the matter is, all of these seem so trivial as compared to the phone call I received from my mum last night, telling me that my grandfather's been admitted to hospital in a serious condition.

I've lived with my grandparents until secondary school. He would go out at 3am every morning to Jurong Fishery to sell fish, then come back in the morning with a nice fat fish for the family to eat during dinner. When he retired, he spent his day fruitfully, taking a walk in the early mornings, watching television, reading the newspapers, taking another evening walk which was then followed by sitting downstairs with the neighbours. He would give me money for candy, teach me mandarin and occasionally take me and my grandma out to eat or to visit my aunt in Tampines.

Then, secondary school came along and suddenly, I had no time for these activities anymore. Soon, I moved back home and my contact with my grandparents moved from a daily basis, to a weekly basis, then to once every 2 months or more. I had the key to my grandparent's place still and I've always found it easy to say that I'll visit, yet something would crop up at the last minute and I wouldn't go over because of that.

Even with his healthy lifestyle, he had his failings, his love for food with high cholesterol and his quick temper. He suffered greatly because of that, having 2 strokes, with the second one paralyzing the entire right side of his body, yet he lived through that. My grandfather was a stubborn old bull, he taught himself how to walk again through intensive physiotherapy, he taught himself how to write again by copying the newpaper articles onto my used exercise books left around in his house during primary school. He learnt to talk, to form the words with his mouth all over again. He was back to his old self, but this was not to last.

Over the last few years, all of us noticed a steep decline in his health. First, he started having difficulties walking properly. This started to worsen ever since last year so we got him a walking stick and a wheelchair, which previously he would have flatly refused to use either because of his pigheadedness. His speech started becoming slurred and the words he said unrecognizable. It got so bad because we couldn't understand him at all. Often, he would get frustrated and make loud noises while trying to communicate. Writing didn't help too because he wasn't able to write at all at this point. It broke my heart trying to fix the television for him, because I didn't understand what he wanted and he was standing in front of me for 40 minutes trying so hard to communicate what he wanted me to help him with. I can't imagine the loneliness he must have felt, not being able to express what he feels like he used to do so, like a mind being trapped in a body that wouldn't cooperate.

How could we be so blind. I should have known, I told my mum that I think he has Alzhemier's, but I never bothered to read up on it properly. When he was admitted to hospital with symptoms of a fever and urinary incontinence, I went to check wiki for it and you know what? Almost every symptom there was true. And the worse part is, the doctor diagnosed pneumonia and possibly multiple sclerosis, the worse possible combo for a weak elderly man.

Its his birthday next week, we had planned to go to the restaurant as usual to celebrate it, but that has to be cancelled now. As a granddaughter and a science student, the thought of what may happen to him is enough for now to reduce me to tears. I haven't slept in 24 hours again because of this, and there is nothing else I can do, except to cope with it and pray that I don't breakdown, because the tears are staining my lab report and my brain cannot process anything else but the pounding in my head, the soreness of my eye and the nagging feeling of dread in my heart.

Don't wait for things to happen before taking action. Its a cliche line I know, but its as true as they come. Tell ur loved ones that you love them today, because everyday is a gift of life.

;I CREATED A SHEEP!
7:30 AM

Yet another busy week, seems like year 3 is really taking a toll on me. I'm thinking of making the transition from WoW to Warhammer when it comes out this friday. Since when does a game become a commitment? I can't deny that it has been fun, but perhaps it is time to move on.

I don't know why but I feel irrationally angry at Singaporeans who blatantly agree with foreigners living in Singapore about how certain things here suck as compared to where they came from, and I'm not even in the least bit what anyone would call patriotic. We've been harping on freedom of speech for so long, and yet I wonder, when we do, one day, get true freedom of speech, would it really be a dream come true?

Oh yeah, to the clueless out there, agreeing is not an opinion, thanks for exhibiting the sheep mentality yet again. Yes you don't like our newspapers and newschannels, yes CNN and BBC is better and more accurate, thats what cable TV is for. Newsflash: Journalism is propaganda, live with it.

;I CREATED A SHEEP!
3:03 AM

This is probably one of the most unwholesome month in a long time, crappy weather, even crappier assignments... Feeling sick 24/7 because of a combination of the above two factors feels so much like being dumped into a blender. A working blender. A working blender that is plugged in and is now pulsing the shit out of you. Zzzz *snores*

2 lab reports, 3 labs, 1 test down, plenty more to go. Head's spinning around, stomach's churning. Yeah yeah I know, whinewhinewhinewhinewhine. Blah blah. I wish for some time to myself. Why haven't anyone invented teleporters yet?! All you Noble prize winners and researchers, get down to it! All the time I spend travelling to and from school can be used more productively. And for those who say, "But vanderia, why not try studying on the way home?" You try studying on the bus or train, assuming that you even get a seat, when the bus is rocking like a ship on steroids and when you're stuck with the stinky evening rush hour crowd, sitting in between 2 pungent people who are leaning percoriously close to your shoulder in deep slumber. Thats all I got to say. Time out please, I need a kitkat.

;I CREATED A SHEEP!
10:57 PM

Been a long time since I met up with my poly friends, hence I was thrilled when Peter/ZY decided to call for a gathering today. As usual, I'm late and even after 3 years, Ronald is still the one who is the latest, be it to class or to the gathering. Dinner was eventful, with lots of smalltalk, or rather, smallscreams since it was quite noisy and we had to raise our voices to be heard. There was much talk about the past, the present and the future but the main topic of the day was...

Walaoeh, this beats Amanda's hands down. What was I doing man! I really, utterly had no idea that they were together and this is no small feat, considering that we practically sat next to the both of them in the same lecture theatre every freaking day until we graduated?! Oh my goodness, sigh.

On another note, let me tell you a story, about this boy who was in love with a girl. They both supposedly, played this game together, but never at the same time. One day, the boy got shot trying to stop a robbery from taking place and was badly injured. And the girl? She continues playing the game, telling everyone in the game about what happened, crying for sympathy but nevertheless, still playing the game even though the boy is lying in ICU now, fighting for his "supposedly" life.

What is the moral of the story? Never believe anything you read on the internet, especially when it concerns idiotic attention whores. SWAT team paramedic my freaking ass, you cheetos eating delusional obese nerd of an American sitting in front of your computer all day weaving lies for an online audience, stop screwing up a game for others. If you're a medic, good for you, you're actually doing something decent for a living, considering that you have the personality of a donkey cross bred with a goldfish on steroids. But more than likely, its probably a case of "if you're a medic, I'm a hollywood superstar." Ahh, its good to have dreams.

;I CREATED A SHEEP!
2:45 AM

;I CREATED A SHEEP!
12:19 PM

If you're ever going to join a camp, please don't join one where the organizing committee is a joke. Planning a camp during the time where you know half the people have commitments? Smart choice there buddy. Don't blame me if I can't make it then, I'm practically in school for 12 hours each day, unlike some other people who have 30 day reactions. Go ahead, blacklist me see if I care. (Hint: I don't, I've been in better ones and have been in the main comm of better ones already.)

;I CREATED A SHEEP!
1:20 PM

Nope I'm not dead, though I seriously wished that I was. Summer research is excruciatingly tiring. I don't know what possessed me to sign up for it in the first place, probably my greed for more credit and now I'm paying the price. I could have had a good time slacking at home playing wow and.. Oh well, what is the point of mentioning that anyway now since no matter what I say, it will do absolutely nothing for my current situation?

Despite the neverending wait for my turn to do a reaction, my complete lack of common sense and various other reasons, I have to admit that it has been a rather enriching experience, like a rude wake up call. Believe me when I say that I have a hundred and one things to rant about and I really don't think I should bore you with details.

To tell the truth, that was not my main purpose in blogging, rather, there has been something on my mind that I said that I would settle after the exams. I've been taking a really long time deliberating over what would be the best way to talk about it without being excessively harsh, but so far, all my options have reached a dead end. I guess subtlety has never been my strong point. Those who know me well knows for a fact that silence is my best armor and I guess it would always stay that way, afterall, it would be better if I remained silent rather than say something that I might regret later.

Thus far, I believe some of you may be confused as to what the hell I'm trying to say, but just bear with me for a moment or two while I sort out my thoughts. This whole thing pens out like a bad E/N thread (Thanks SA!) and as all E/N threads go, there is a backstory to it. Now I don't know if you have noticed it, but somewhere on the left side of this blog, there is a part where I specifically said that I loathed (1) Liars and (2) Cheaters. I have been suppressing my feelings for a very long time, but everything just took a turn for the worst when a good friend lies to me blatantly. Trust is a fragile thing and after this incident, I would keep thinking about what other things have said good friend lied about.

But, you say, its just a lie, why are you so mad about it? Well, the thing about it is that, it involves another male heterosexual species who harbours romantic thoughts about said good friend. The trouble is, both were attached at that point of time. You can see where point 2 on that list down there to the left comes in now. The truth is, I'm not just angry with the lie, but rather, I'm also disappointed in the actions that some people have taken despite my warnings and her assurances. Obviously I'm not saying it out of jealousy because I have absolutely zero interest in said male homosapien (That and see point number 2. Cheating is just something that I cannot condone, regardless of how attractive or how lonely. There is no excuse. Break it off if you want to but don't bloody cheat.) and I'm not saying that two members of the opposite sex cannot be good friends. However, when you blur the line between friends and flirt so much that it becomes so obvious to others and myself, I just can't help but feel repulsed.

As I said earlier, my silence is my armor. I have been ignoring you thus far because I can't sort out how I feel and what to say. I do value our friendship, which is why I didn't bring up a direct confrontation. As a friend, I can't bear to watch something like this unfold. As an individual, I absolutely hate getting lied to, especially by someone who I have known for so long. What made it worse was the fact that you lied to me to go out with him. Regardless of your intentions, if you think about it simply from my childish point of view, you chose him over me, now please step into my shoes and imagine how I would feel.

I guess this is rather vague, but well, thats just the gist of it, food for thought. I've said a lot I feel, but it still isn't everything. I can close an eye and pretend some things never happened, but please don't expect me to walk around blinded. I'm sorry for such an emo post, but well, emo posts = long posts right? With lotsa juicy gossip? Sometimes, being human is such a pain in the royal behind. Its just too bad we're born alliance. I mean, would it be possible to at least reroll a draenei? (WoW joke. Ha-Ha-Ha.) I'm so sorry that it wasn't even remotely funny. Heck I didn't even laugh. In fact, I was contemplating deleting that from my entry but I thought that I'll just leave it there so as to waste 5 minutes of your time reading this utter crap. Oh god, why am I such a massive nerd?

;I CREATED A SHEEP!
1:39 AM