Quoting Michelle's nick long ago
"i'm easy to forget, hard to remember"
guess that's what i am now...
weird...
super weird...
i just cant stand knowing yet not being able to express my feeling...
what is it that you want?
I really miss the time when i can just talk out what i think..
i feel like an animal...
caged animal
inside i wanna scream
inside i wanna shout
inside i wanna roar
i dunno why..
it just hurt every now n then..
is that a good news?
coz sometime back...
i tot i turned monstrous...
lost my ability to feel...
lost any interest in others...
i tot the intense ache that i felt on the chest was gone once n for all
when u brought it back to me once...
less intense...
i've been learning how to cope... how to handle it...
after awhile, i tot it's gone
i tot the process of turning into a monster was complete...
i tot i would never feel the pain...
but hey..
life's been hard...
i've gone from munching, snacking, watching shows, missing meals and sleeping hours to drinking to heavy smoking...
and once they helped, i found myself drifting apart from the source of ache n feeling better...
is this the devil speaking?
somehow
the moments where i sleep 5 hours for 3 days, eat 1 meal for 3 days, drink 1 litre a day, smoke 5 butts a shot, i felt great...
it didnt bother me at all...
i felt at ease...
i guess i slept too long last night... 4 hours
i ate too much today... 2 meals
i didnt smoke today...
i didnt drink today...
no wonder i'm so sober...
no wonder u can hurt me again...
no wonder i am writing this entry...
but hey..
get lost
STUPID DEVILISH THOUGHT...
I AM GETTING OVER MY ADDICTION...
and i'm gonna get thru this period alone...
i've been a man on my own anyway...
i've went thru similar shits...
A level, O level, breakups, dumps, cheats, quarells, fights, detentions, accidents, etc...
this is nothing...
i'm gonna get thru this in one piece
i'm getting sober
and i'm gonna be a healthy sober person
no more cigs
no more alcs
3 meals a day
5 hours sleep a day
n no heart aches a life...
if u really chose others over me...
i guess the fault is mine and not yours...
i've gotta stop peeking over the other side of the garden...
hey...
there're thousands of hunks out there
rich
muscular
charming
smart
goodlooking
pls...
go w them
and bring the memory along w u
and bring the pain along w u
i'll be fine alone
sooner or later
i wanted to have a sex change and turn lesbian...
now...
i want to have a brain concussion and forget all this...
and i want to have great friends...
damian n wan hua...
that's all i have...
i trust no one else
sorry folks...
---------------------------------
Vladimir Joseph Johannes Tanudjaja