Bits and pieces of memories

Can't help but stop thinking 'I don't want to go back!!'
Never want to stay home so badly before.
I want to be by my mum's side physically. T.T

我的痛苦又有谁会知道呢。

So much has happened in the past 13 weeks since I left for Birmingham.
Life for me has it's ups and downs, good and bad, joy and sorrow.
Made some friends, lost some friends.This is saddening but I don't know what can I do for it is not within my control.
Learnt some experiences which made me felt that all battles will be fought by myself eventually.

看到您这个样子，我的心好痛。
但我又不能说出来，不能让您操心。
您一定要答应我，勇敢和坚强的走下去，克服病魔。

有时候，我也想要有个美满的家庭。
有个老爸给我靠。
曾经拥有，那为什么要失去掉呢？

This feels like home. :')

http://tunein.com/radio/Yes-933-FM-s25609/

Down with cough, sore throat and flu.
The feeling of missing home creeps in more at times like this =(

Waiting in school now for lecture to start at 2pm.
Soooooo, life's basically alright now I guess.
Generally have everything that I need I guess, for survival and communication and stuff.
But yah, nothing beats being at home haha.
I prefer my warm sunny island. LOL, so patriotic haha.

Guess what, I would have spent a month here this coming sat!
Isn't that fast? Pretty fast isn't it?
But I bet when sch gets tough and stuff time would probably crawl or maybe during winter when it's all cold. =(

Going to london this weekend to look for huihui, fayanne, yinren and zul!
Can't wait to meet them!
Like familiar faces in a faraway land, awwwwww, awesome hahaha.
Ok, I'll update another time!

Don't know if I should continue going for orchestra practices.

Bought tickets to go to London next weekend to look for Huihui, Fayanne, Zul and Yin Ren! LOL!

Tired tired tired.
Got my school ID card and moved into my accommodation already.
Room's still a little messed up, haven't properly packed it yet.

Just finished packing, and the feelings are creeping in more than ever.
I'll try to hold back my tears, but I don't think that I can do it.
How ='(

Thanks for all the love and listening earsssssss (I really had alot to rant LOL). As much as I want to embark on this new journey, I want everything to be the same even more. But again, I was the one who chose this route to go.

For all of my friends, please do not be dejected or anything, things will work out at the end of the day, don't give up on yourself and that is what matters the most.

Deer, thanks for all the help, care and concern that you've ever given me all these years. I can never ever thank you enough for all the help and knowledge that you've taught me. Remember to take a break whenever you are feeling stress. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
Jas, it's amusing how life works. Up to this day, I still think that it is a miracle that I'm friends with you HAHA. Thank you for persevering during your term as a VP to help me out and lending me a listening ear.

Paul, every single friend of mine matters k. Don't come and talk rubbish. Haven't been communicating much with you cause we are both busy, sometimes I seriously wonder how did we skype so frequently when you had your SIP in Thailand.

Longan, don't think you will see this but I am still thankful for all the silent sacrifices/things that you have done. It haven't been easy on you, but please take care of your health and not let it deteriorate. I want you to be as healthy as everyone else so that we can all have fun together!

I don't want to write anymore, need to keep my emotions in check. Sorry guys, to whoever is reading.

死掉算了。
This kind of shit you also want to compare since he's not doing anything. Then don't do a fuck for me, just let me die, why keep me alive and torture me. Seriously fuck it.
I didn't ask for all this but I have to suffer all these shit too.
Before you start comparing if it is fair for you, is it even fair for me.
FUCK IT. SERIOUSLY FUCK IT.

Starting to panic a little.
I need more luggage space! ARGHHHHHH OMG.
How to not bring so much thing, my goodness, gahhhhhhhhhh.
Save me, help me, ARGHHHHHHHHHHH.
My cello is already 10kg on its own. FML FML FML FMLLLLLLLLL

On a bright side, my cello has a new home =) HAHA and it's called blackie, HAHA WTS RIGHT. LIKE NONSENSE ONLY.

I'm really excited for school to start!
Can't wait to study what I like and stuffs again.
But definitely not the packing, unpacking and settling down-.-.-.-
I remember being this excited for school to start when I entered TP as well but this enthusiasm didn't last when the work came in.
HAHAHAHA.
SHITSZZXXXXXXXX

Never liked helping people who don't want to/can't be bothered to help themselves.
Don't say I never rendered help when you chose to see it as unimportant.
That's why I say I'm the kind of friend that you have to let me know if you need my help, because how will I know when is my help wanted/unwanted.

Missing all the fun I had in USS yesturday.

A : I miss cello

Caught Brave with my mum and sis.
Felt that it was a really meaningful movie.
I don't know if it is because I will be going away for my studies soon that is making me so emotional, but I don't want to leave my mum and sis in Singapore.
I asked my mum what if I don't want to go for my studies anymore, can I?
She didn't answer my question.
"Mother will always be there for you"

20 more days..

Reallyyyyy excited to start school and meet new peeps.
I hope everything will go smoothly and turn out fine.
But at the same time, I dread the walk to school (can't even use my phone, can't walk alone, can't take a bus if I'm feeling lazy because there's no bus to take at all), the laundry and the cooking.

I'll probably stop trying one day.
It may or may not be a pity.
It may even be a blessing in disguise.
But the reason why I'm even trying is because I care.

Worried about my accommodation now. =/
What I thought was settled is now unsettled.
Went to research more on the accommodation offer I had and I realise that the offer I had is pretty far away from school and I feel that the room looks a little dark/creepy.
I hope to get an offer from Tennis Court because I would like that better and it is more convenient as it is nearer to the bus stop.
And if I don't get an offer from Tennis Court, do I reject Elgar Court's offer and try to source for accommodation in private sectors on my own? =/

Finally over. I hope it will be well. At least decent?

当你跟我说那些话时，我的心觉得好酸，忍不住，也掉泪了。
我们的遇见就是那么的偶然，也那么的美妙。
未来会怎么样，我不知道，但我想永远的跟你保持联络，因为我舍不得你。

Despite all the nonsense I am facing, I am still thankful for what I have.
Things can really really really be very annoying at times though, but I should still be grateful for all the other things that are right.

One week left till my cello exam. That's it.
I have been touching my cello more frequently but not frequently enough to master the things that I need to for my cello exam.
I'm really the master of procrastination. I can just laze one whole day around saying that I will practice later later and later and that later never comes-.-
I shall try and go all out for it this remaining 1 week so that I have no rooms for regret. At least for this 1 week left.
I know that my teacher is worried, and I'm sorry for being so lazy.
I guess my break really comes after 6 aug then.
I'm thankful for all the help I got from deer though!
Can never thank her enough for the help she has offered me in music.

Been missing out on outings and whatsoever, pretty sad that I have to sacrifice those for now.
But I think this is when I have to make a choice and prioritise things that are more crucial at different points of time.
If I fail my cello exam (which I hope that will never happen), I might not have the opportunity to retake it because who knows what will happen when I am in uni.
Will I have the time to practice? Will I get the opportunity to? Will I be able to find another orchestra to play in?
So I hope that I will be able to pass it and at least let things end nicely even if this really has to be the end of it.
There were a few times when I was seriously contemplating if I should change my degree along the way if my interest changes suddenly or something =/
But again, the ability to do so is another thing.

I'll try to get back whatever I've forgo during this period after 6 aug.

Disappointed with what I put up-.-
Lesson learnt, never participate in 2 major concerts back to back without ample practice, not that I will get a chance to do so anyway.
Nonetheless, I'm still glad that it's over.
Time to concentrate on my cello exam.
No more excuses.

不知道为什么，心里一直平静不下来。
对这次的演出，有很多的感触。

Never have I thought that I will feel like this towards SY.
I once thought of giving it a try, but when things didn't turn out very pleasant the first time, I kinda told myself to just survive through it for the sake of doing so.

Somehow, some way and somewhat along the way, I guess things changed.
I got used to how it is like to interact with the cello/bass peeps and I'm kinda grateful that they are there during practices because nonetheless, they have provided me with accompaniment in some way or another.
This will probably be the last concert that I will be performing with all of them as the next SY concert in sept will be an ensemble one and not everyone is performing for it.

Since end Jan till now, it's been about 6-7 months.
To call this period of time short, it aren't exactly short but it isn't very long either. For a place where hardly any bonding has been done, it is already surprising for me to have feelings towards them.
Nonetheless, I've learnt and improved during the short time there.
A fellow member asked if I will be joining SY next year. 
To be honest, I won't mind joining it again because of the experience and exposure that I will gain.
But whether they will want me back in is another thing.
I can't even make it for the audition, not to mention that I won't be able to make it for the practices although I will be able to make it for the concert.
说起来，还真有点舍不得。


Another part of me is feeling scared because I guess this is reminding me of the fact that yes, July is coming to an end.
Not only does it mean that August (cello exam) is coming, but that also meant that September is creeping by soon enough.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to cope with all these emotions.

When people questioned me about what made me so daring to apply to study overseas, it wasn't a matter of being daring to me, it was more of a matter of pursuing what I want and I have to survive through it no matter what.
But at the same time, I'm starting to feel scared being all alone. =/

Why is it that I can't express myself in my music.
What is my music.
I can't even identify it.
I can't put my feelings in it.
Is it even mine?

Still overwhelmed by the surprise!
Too overwhelming!
To think that I had one of the biggest surprises when I thought I knew of the surprises and kept spoiling the plan at the very very very very last minute!
I don't know what was going on in my mind but I was pleasantly surprised.
In a state of shock now! LOL

Got to start torturing my fingers in return for all the joy for the past 2 days!

Feels good to be meeting the dragonsxz again.
As childish as the name may be, this is what we are when we are with each other and this is what we appreciate of each other.
Time seriously flew past so quickly that I had to go even before I knew it.
I'm sorry that I haven't been able to meet them often recently and I hope that they understand.
Let's meet again soon and I'll definitely put the entire day out for you guys.

曾经拥有，才会害怕失去所有。

What should I do to be able to express myself freely? 但又怕如果把感情放出来，不懂得收回，到时怎么办？

Just a random thought as I see this kid on the mrt playing the iPad with a lady which I suppose is her mum. To the kid, she barely knows anything and anyone in the world and her mum is probably her everything. While her mum definitely has other commitments and stuffs. However, her mum unconditionally gave up everything including her world for the kid. Years down the road when the kid is all grown up with their life filled up with other activities, her mum is no longer her world and her everything. Now, is this fair for her mum who has given up everything for her daughter?

Performing together again with the rest as NASCO alumni was indeed awesome.
We might all have gone on separate ways and have different playing styles and habits, but nonetheless, being able to play together again as a team is wonderful.

Impromptu half day trip to JB with Mr Cheng, Shihui, Yuren and Weiqi amidst the week filled with practices.
Got away from the bustling city to think and ponder about life, go on a tour, eat, relax, enjoy each other's accompaniment, learn new stuffs.
Sometimes life just amazes me with the way it works.

Should I defer my studies?

Thankful for all that I've got.
Life can be a bitch, a real bad bitch, but there will always be something to tame that bitch to make things better for everyone.
This is where I have to pull myself together again to help fight that bitch together with everyone! =)

I don't ask for anything, but just an end to this.
This is the biggest present I can get in return for my 20th birthday. Thanks.

我什么都不要，我只想消失掉。
Enough with those crap of making me a better/stronger person.
I know what I'm going through is nothing as compared to those less fortunate, but that's not the point.
The point is, why do I have to go through all these.
If only this is just a piece of glass, I will smash it till there's no visible remains of it.
Yes, I am that violent and so what about that.
Sometimes I just hate being able to think on both sides.
Deep down, I'm still just a kid.

I'm hating this seriously.
I'm not the one in the wrong, but I'm getting the shit out of the mess between you guys.
Seriously, fuck this shit.
I'm feeling the angst, telling you what is the right thing to do, and there you are defending that bitch who is not doing her job well.
Who cares if she's your friend, if she can't do it well, she's out.
If you want my opinion and want me to check the work, make sure that the amendments I made are done, if you don't want to do it, DON'T ask for my opinions in the first place.
I know I'm not absolutely right, but I'm definitely qualified.
Don't say that we can't communicate when you're shutting me out whenever I say something that displeases your ears.
Don't blame me for walking away because when that happens, it means that I can't take it anymore and that's the last you'll see of me.

Even though I used to rant about TPCO and it's other nonsense, thank god for it, I found many awesome friends in there.
Though this is not something new that I've come to realise, but I'm constantly thankful for it.

Looking at my accommodation and other whatsoever on the web has just increased the amount of doubts I have in me. Studying overseas has never crossed my mind until I was in poly. Even so, it was just a mere consideration. Now that I have to start preparing for it, there are just some insecurities in me and I don't know how to describe those feelings. I've been too much of a people person that I think that I'm afraid to live alone. I'm afraid of losing what I have now. Studying abroad should be something exciting! But why am I overtaken by all these fears.

Don't think that the plan for going to Aussie will work out anymore..

I love my cello teacher just like that.
She's awesome :')
Not to mention, a very charismatic individual.

University of Birmingham has replied to say that they will be offering me a place in the Law programme in their school.
This is like a dream come true for me.
For I know that I am once again one step closer to attaining my dreams, just like how it was like when I knew that I was in TP's law and management course.

But amidst these joy, I cried. I didn't know the reason for the tears, but it definitely wasn't tears of joy.
I sensed uncertainty, sadness, fear and other negative feelings in those tears.
I feel that there has been so many unfinished stuffs on my part and I can't put my mind at ease to leave. It's not like I am never ever coming back, but it feels that these unfinished stuffs can't wait.
I don't know if it's right for me to go now, or should I wait till it's over before I go.
But when will I know when will these unfinished business be over?
Is it selfish or right of me to go and pursue my dreams at this critical point.

All along, I knew that there were more than just my cello stuffs that is bogging me, but I didn't know exactly what other matters were keeping me so fidgety.
Only now, after a small discussion with my mum, did I realise that she was my biggest worry.
Yes, I am worried of my mum.
Despite her experiences in life, she is still my biggest worry.
I won't be able to protect her when I'm in such a faraway land, what's more with the time difference.
I don't want to ask her to stay up and accommodate to my time if she needs my help because she will be tired, but she wouldn't want to disturb me either, so she won't approach me even if she need help.

I feel like a paper that has been scratched and torn into strips.

I have done nothing wrong, and I don't see why should I be avoiding him-.-
I don't know why am I even bothering about him, but his presence just disgust me.
Seriously, -.-

Don't know if I should start spamming dramas =/

It has been 4 years since my grandmother departed; 14 years since my grandfather departed.
Apart from the very dream I had of her days after her cremation which I woke up in tears, I haven't dreamt about her all these years.
Not that I don't want to or if I'm heartless, but she probably didn't want to appear in my dreams.

Out of nowhere, I dreamt of her suddenly last night.
During the dream, there were loads of fuzzy feelings going on and off.
But ultimately, she brought us all warmth and happiness.
Something that none of my uncles or aunts has been able to accomplished so easily and naturally.

Can't help but to question myself why am I doing what am I doing now.
Why should I not do what I am doing now?
Where will it lead me to?
What if I don't continue with what I am doing now?
Will I have regrets in the future?
What if it is the actions of mine now that make me regret in the future?
What am I going to do with it in the future?
How is it going to interfere in my future?
Too many who, what, where, when, how.

Waiting for replies from Universities are like the longest waits in life.
You can't identify your directions in life until they get back to you-.-

Kinda disappointed with myself for making mistakes that I don't normally make during practices.
Like seriously?! My nervous-ness got the better over me -.-
Feel that I kinda 对不起陈老师 for those stupid mistakes that I made.
Another concert down.
Let's hope that things will get more enjoyable.
I'm not interested in playing politics.
I just want to play my cello peacefully and happily lol.

Exams results are out; I did not get my gpa of 3.
Since I didn't meet the conditional offer, I will now have to wait for the universities to reply me if they would still accept me as a student.

TPCO concert is finally over.
Two major worries over.
But I don't feel as relief as I thought I will be.
I don't know why, but I guess 2 years of comm life in TPCO has made me developed some feelings for them even though it can be very frustrating at times.
Not to forget, the many awesome friendships that I found in there which I definitely couldn't find in my course (at least for my batch).

Though alot of things has happened this past AY, I'm glad that things ended on a good note last night.
The committee has indeed been through alot of obstacles with people resigning at the start, keeping everyone's morale going etc.
There were plenty of down moments, but there were definitely pleasant moments as well.
Without this concert, I would not have got to know my cello members better, a little regretful that I didn't get to know them better earlier, sectionals would be so much better for them. I believe Mr Chua misses those times where everyone jokes and work hard together. But as the saying goes, better late than never.

I'd probably not accomplished what I wanted to accomplished for the CO when I started out this AY and I'd probably not been the best leader that I thought I could have been for the members. But I've definitely done what I could have done given the situation I am in. Nonetheless, problematic they can be, I'm still proud of every single one of them for putting aside whatever grudges they have to help ensure that the concert proceeds smoothly.
We may not play the hardest or most interesting songs you can find around, but the very least we did was to give the audience a relaxing night with our concert which I believed was attained.

I'm thankful for all the help and cooperation that was rendered to me from the members, alumni, instructors and everyone else during my term (not like I've stepped down, but handover day isn't exactly very far away.).
Without all these, I won't have been able to complete my term with the orchestra.
For all the things I couldn't fight for the orchestra, I'm sorry.
As compared to a Zengmei who I was in 2009, I've definitely learnt alot from the orchestra be it mentally or in terms of my cello skills. I have definitely never expect myself to be so involved with TPCO lol.

One very important thing that held me through this term was to "never look back". There were many occasions where I'd look back and ponder; "what if I haven't done this/taken on the position, life would be so much easier", but what done is done, I can't undo my decision, what I can do is  to be forward looking instead and to rectify the problem instead of lamenting because no one can help me if I don't help myself.

Going back to studio 9&10 will now be a total different feeling and I'm not sure if I can deal with it. Afterall, it was my second home for 3years. Lol..

Thankful but sorry.

Even when everything can be very bad, some people are just simply there to make all your effort worth it :')

Had a short meet-up/coffee session with my primary school English teacher!
It's been 8 years since I last saw her!
We were always talking about meeting up some day but we never did because of the clash in schedules.
I was really excited in meeting her even though we haven't met for so long.
Imagine the awkwardness that could have possibly occurred!

Surprisingly, we had a lot to talk about.. And it was really funny looking back on how we simply disobeyed her and realizing the importance of it now.
She was like "See, I told you guys back then, but you guys didn't want to listen to me, now then you see the usefulness of it!"

I don't know if she shrank or did I grow so much that she feels so... normal.. She feels more of a friend to me than a teacher now..and it feels really awesome to
be able to see her again..
The last we saw each other was on the day when we had to go back to school to collect our results and I was thinking that I will never get to see her ever again..
Meeting her again feels so magical. Haha.
I hope to see her again soon!

Haven't been sleeping well. But I don't know what's the cause for it either =/
Like that how to survive these coming few weeks!?

Sometimes I can't help but feel, seriously what am I fighting for?
Why do I bother fighting against Fayanne so that this concert can go on, when they don't even take pride in coming for the practices diligently to put up a presentable concert and doing their own duty well as a performer.
I know this isn't fair for those who attends practice diligently and try to do their best for the concert.
But the negative forces are too overwhelming, more than the positive forces in quantity.
For all the time I have spent in fighting for those who don't even deserves it, all these time could jolly well be put into better uses.

I know this isn't the time to be demoralise because I have no time to be demoralised, I should take the time to see how I can make things work instead.
But all these nonsenses are really getting the toll on me.
If the problems are solely from co only, it's ok, I can deal with it for I know it will be over soon.
But I can't even find peace at home.
This is awful and I hate this.
If my disappearance can cause all these problems to cease, I will gladly do so.
So what am I suppose to do to make things right, or can I just amputate off my shoulders.

I really really really like 陈老师 alot.
I hope that I will not have to stop cello lessons from her. Or at least, attain what she wants of me before I stop.

The feelings I have for her is different from all the feelings I have for my previous cello teachers.
I like all my previous teachers but the feelings for them are just different.
Tian Ling gave me my skills, the start of my journey in cello.
Mr Chua helped to build up my foundation and trained up my ears (but my ears still need more trainings lol)
But 陈老师 teaches me more than all these.

I think I will be very sad when that day comes.

So why am I even studying the law for. To continue being under their slavery?! What shit is this.

Even if you don't have faith in your citizens, you should have faith in your administratives right. If you can't, you're better off shutting your entire body.
Total crap.

I have never felt so against the system before. Seriously, it's crap. Seriously. So now what, upon the death then murder can be proven? Or what's next, manslaughter or worst still, suicide. -.- seriously-.-

Bloody big fat liar.
I'm seriously very disappointed with the judge -.-
Wtfwtfwtfwtf. Seriously?!

3 more papers till i'm unofficially done with my course of study!!

It's a matter of time before I lose my mind and pick up a knife.
Not to kill myself. But to dispose of all the irritants and pests in my life.

Something is wrong with me somewhere.
I lost my appetite for food.
4hrs of sleep becomes sufficient for me when it was never enough ever since year 2.
I lost interest in doing anything apart from playing cello occasionally.
I just feel like sleeping and never waking up. =/

On a sidenote, she must make me angry and fight with her before I leave then she happy is it. Zzzz

And to whoever who is reading this, come and watch tpco concert on 17 March 2012 at TP's Auditorium 1 at 7.30pm if you can leh. Help me with my ticket sales.. =/ ask your friends or whoever to come also, just help me clear my tickets for me to win my battle. Lol

Just when I was losing directions of what I wanted to do, I had a continuation of various dreams in a 1hr nap.
The angst I felt in it when there was unfairness, the joy I got when things were put right, the excitement I had in the midst of the preparations and everything else, tells me that yes, this is what I want even though I know the future gonna be tough.

So this is how it feels like being greeted by someone else whom you thought they would not have greeted because they didn't know you well.

It doesn't matter if your actions doesn't get recognised for there will be people who appreciates what you have done. And when news of those gets to you, the satisfaction that you get from it is greater and bigger than getting publicly recognised.

Because of these people, its makes all the work and effort put in worthwhile.

Advance Civil Procedure Test first thing in the morning.

Our IP teacher has kindly extended the dateline for our IP project, which has savedddddd my life man.
Hahaha. Though yes, the suffering is extended, but at least I have some time to rest and to understand what I am doing.

Submissions, tutorials, submissions, and never ending tutorials are almost coming to an end..
Had lunch with my coursemates today and we started talking more about things other than projects and I felt that we have been blinded to our surroundings completely.
Everyone else in school are like slowly having their lunch, enjoying and slacking before the start of their next tutorial.
It's been so long since we last did that.
And now.. we are left with only 28days to experience the last of our times as a student in TP.
Kinda heart-warming and mind boggling at the same time because we are having a love-hate relationship with it now.

My head is throbbing like mad.
My health isn't at tip top condition as well.
Please let all these nonsense conditions leave me alone because I don't have time to nurse it with care.
GOOOOOOOOOOO AWAYYYYYYYY.

Waiting for the day where..
I will be sitting down reading a book with a cup of tea anytime I want to;
I can play the cello anytime when I want to without having to stress how much time I have left before I need to do other stuffs;
I can go and meet anyone I like for lunch or tea or dinner (I can travel anywhere to look for them since I will be free);
I can go and swim or run or play any games I want to;
I can watch any amount or dramas I want to;
I can bake anything I want to; and
etc...

It's been too long since I had some time for myself and for me to really give my full attention to people who matters to me.

时间如流水，岁月不留人

Life's good for now!
Ok, it's only now..... things will change in a few hours time when I get back to doing my work-.-
I feel so happy to just sit on the sofa and strum my cello away (i know it's not a guitar, listening to it just makes me happy lol.)
I need some time alone to get to know my new beloved better.
Come to think of it, my life has been very fast paced since this AY started!
Haven't had a good break.

Exams timetable are out.
I will be having my last paper in TP on 1st March 2012!
This is soooooo awesome.
All these while, I have been seeing stuffs about graduation day for 3 batches, and now, it's finally my turn!!
I'm pretty excited for it!
It's like finallyyyyyy you know! Hahaha.
Its not that I dislike my course or what, but I believe it just feels awesome to graduate.
Like you're accomplishing something to move on to another part of your life. (though the future is actually pretty daunting!)
My friends have already started counting down.
40 days till we are unoffical graduates of TP! hahah! =D

This is crazy, I'm crazy.

First SY practice for the year and the first time in my life. lol
Probably the only year I will be in there as well, haha, kinda sad ah? Others like normally continue a few years one los. lol, but nevermind it's for the experience.
Who would have expected that I will be in SY one day, lol, I mean even I do not see myself in SY.

So basically, I was feeling "why am I doing this to myself, having to carry cello to school every monday and occasionally on thursday from now on.".
Trip down to Tanjung Pagar now has a different meaning. I now no longer go there for SIP but for practice and it was kinda weird.

Having to sit at the front row was like T.T because lihyee told me that if I went early, I can book the back seats, but apparently, I still got the front seat somehow-.-
I can say it was both a bad and good thing.
Bad cause..it's just bad lah, lol, like I'm just some noob there, and I'm sitting right in front, waiting to kena aim only ah. Lol.
Good cause, it was a different experience. Like being thrown to the front to try and cope even if I can't.
Thank god Mr Quek went easy on everyone today I guess? I mean, probably cause it's like the first practice for the year, so he is giving everyone the benefit of doubt on their mistakes.

Yingying is awesome. Lol. I'll still say that I'll fall for her if I'm a guy lol.
From hearing nothing about her except that she plays the cello well, to watching a random CO concert with her, to speaking with her a little just before my audition, to actually hearing her play the cello and playing alongside her, I have yet to find anything bad about her lol.
She's damnnnnnnnn nice to offer to sit in the front to spare the rest from being aim-ed at by the conductor even though she came early enough to chop a backseat.
And playing with her gives me the "Don't worry, I am here to shield you, just follow me and give it a go." I guess that is why I managed to thicken up my skin to sit in the front even when I am probably like the lousiest and second oldest cellist there. LOL. OMG cui, oldest with cui-est skills. What nonsense. lol

During the orientation(ok, i probably only attended the welcome talk? LOL, but it doesn't matter), they mentioned that the students in SY are one bunch of lucky students, and I actually feel that I kinda agree with what they said. I mean, ok they worked hard to prepare for the audition and stuff, but again, it's like they were lucky enough to be offered a place in SY with all the facilities that others don't. I mean, who gets to use SCH for practices everytime that the stage doesn't feel any foreign to them at all apart from the professionals? And then, with the subsidised music lessons paid by the government for their learning. It's like, our country doesn't even promote much of the Arts, and yet they are setting aside some funds to pay for the student's private lesson. Thats kinda fortunate isn't it?

And then seeing how music changes a person, from being a small boy to actually one who actually ponders about the problem, thats amazing. And then the restraints that one faces from their family, environment, etc.. from pursuing further their interest, it's kinda saddening. And the graciousness and nobleness to help others achieve what others want when they themselves can't and yet getting satisfaction from it.

This has been interesting. Let's see how I slowly learn to survive in there.

Something must have gone wrong in me somewhere.
For I am actually excited over being occupied with so much CO stuffs.
And I guess it is probably due to the fact that the faster we have our concert, the faster end of march arrives, and that means that I will have fulfil my duties in tpco and be handing over to the next main comm!
This is definitely something worthy to make me so excited about!
Since I will be so occupied, I guess time will fly pass real fast!
Good luck to me on surviving this last lap in tp!
I bet I will definitely say I had of co sometime soon when the adrenaline rush from graduating finishes LOL.

bet this is like one of my worst audition ever! HAHAH
i committed suicide by increasing my tempo when i can't even play it well at my practice tempo!
dumb or what! haha.
nonetheless, it has been an interesting experience, the fact how i could get so stress over the fact that i didnt want to disappoint my teacher to the extent that what was normally playable by me became unplayable to me.
i don't know if there is such a word, but i dont careeeee haha.
and my attempt to avoid my teacher's question before i see her for the next lesson failed cause she called me even before i intended to call her! LOL
jasmine, see you on wed! *if you get the hint!*

i swear that my projects were sucking the hell out of me lol.
i got so cranky yesturday that i don't even know what was i depressed abt.
not that i don't, but that it doesn't seem like a worthy cause to be depressed over. lol.

i think i will take a break on sat/sun before i will be re-energise and gearing myself up again for the humongous load of projects awaiting to kill me.
i will survive it! i have to, and i want to! haha
wish me luck!

i'm so happy to be able to go to bed tonight after not sleeping properly. awesomeeeeeeeee. haha

厌倦，疲倦。什么倦都是。
请告诉我，我该怎么做。

Happy 2012!
To be honest, I can't wait for March to come!
Till then, hang in there everyone!!!!!!!!!
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