Waiting on the Butterflies

Traditions. Sometimes traditions are fun. Sometimes they're just plain weird. When I was planning my wedding, I was pretty anti-traditions. Of course I wanted a pretty dress and a beautiful bouquet because it would make me look stunning, clearly. As far as the bouquet/garter toss, first dance, or making a big deal out of slicing a cake, no thank you. Have you ever researched the traditions behind a wedding? Why we do the things we think we have to do? If you haven't read up on these traditions, you should. Some are pretty entertaining while some are a little morbid. I like to always know the why behind things.

I haven't posted on this blog in a year and a half! Whoa. I don't even think I've read any blogs either during that time. So much has happened while I've been gone. I guess I was living life so hard that I didn't have much time to write about it. Or I've just been lazy. Probably the latter. So much has happened that I think it's impossible to catch up, but here's a big highlight: I got married last summer! Yes, to the guy that I mentioned in previous posts that gave me those butterflies I was waiting on.

It was such a great day. I love being married and I love him. But that's not really what brought me back to my blog. I always used this blog as an outlet. I loved that I had readers and the connection and community that it brought about, but that was never really what it was completely about. I originally started it not for the audience I hoped I would have, but for me. It was a way for me to get words out, and if it provided entertainment or helped someone along the way, even better.

I'm here because I need to get words out and I guess I feel like publishing them for strangers on the internet is good therapy. Today I posted on Instagram (Follow me @sarahmphillips4) that I feel "magenta". Those that know me well know I love The Golden Girls. Those women are wise and they have advice for everything. I feel like they're my friends. And I thank them for being a friend. I can relate everything in my life to a Golden Girls episode. And I've seen every episode at least 53 times. At least.

The spicy Blanche Devereaux is the one that coined the expression of feeling magenta. I have felt this way many times over the years for many different reasons. Today has been one of those "magenta" days. Whenever I'm feeling all jumbled up, I think of Blanche's description:


Today I feel all of these tumbled up feelings because of this word: Infertility. I haven't been through a fraction of what some women have. Of what some women I personally know have been through, but I'm struggling. And I'm hurting. I'm hopeful. Yet I'm scared. So many feelings. So many thoughts. So many fears. So many questions.

1 in 8 women in the U.S. is struggling with infertility. 7.3 million people. You never know who in your life might be struggling. It's not something you can just casually bring up, "Hi, I'm Sarah. I like dogs, and ice cream, and I'm infertile. How are you?" I'm a private person. For many it's a private, silent struggle. I typically live by the policy that I will share anything but you just have to ask. I'm not one to volunteer a lot of information. But this is different. I'm to the point that I want to talk about it. So many women struggle with infertility, but why are we struggling in silence? My doctor has been great and has answered so many of my questions, but I need a support system. I want to hear from others who have been in or are currently in my shoes. I want reassurance. I want honesty. I want a sounding board. I want someone that when I say, "I'm okay" to understand that I'm really not. This has been the hardest thing to hear and try to accept. You're shame-filled and it's an indescribable lonely place.

I was talking to a friend earlier and told her that it's such a cycle. In one moment, I'm happy. Then I receive news and I'm sad. Then I'm hopeful again. Then I'm disappointed. The cycle continues over and over. I left a doctor's appointment today and got in the car and cried. The same reaction I've had over the last few appointments. Even if the news I get from my doctor wasn't horrible, I cry.
I cried off and on all afternoon. I couldn't explain my feelings. I wasn't necessarily sad. I wasn't mad. I think it's a mixture of fear and exhaustion. Mental exhaustion. More unknowns. More of not really getting clear answers. More trying something else. More thoughts of "what if it never works".

After the doctor, I drove to the pharmacy to pick up new meds. I'm greeted by the pharmacist who before she hands me the prescription asks, "Are you pregnant"? I stared blankly. The imaginary dagger that I felt going into my heart made it skip a beat. Tears stung my eyes. I know she has to ask that question. That's her job. But hearing someone ask that when you know at the moment it's not even a possibility is the worst kind of pain.

Without pouring my whole history out in one blog post, I will say that I have always known infertility is something I would probably deal with. Since the age of 15, I have had issues of the female variety. In 2007 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Along with it has brought a whole host of other issues. I switched doctors several months ago and it has been the best decision for me medically. It's been a fast process that's about made my head spin clean off, but this doctor has accomplished more and given me more answers than I have received in the past 17 years. My doctor is being aggressive due to my past medical history and my age and I appreciate that more than he will ever know. He understands my great desire to have a baby and he is trying everything to make that happen. This month I had a surgery. I got some answers but still have some unknowns. We're still in early stages of it all. There are still many options to try if needed, and we're currently about to start a new phase of meds.

In my head, I hoped my fears of infertility would be wrong. That I was just paranoid. I hoped I would get married, come off birth control, wait the recommended few months, try to get pregnant. Bam. Baby. The pictures in our head makes things seem so easy and tidy sometimes. Sadly, it can be a messy reality.

Since getting married, I feel like certain places, certain events, being around certain people are a land mine waiting to blow. So many people ask, "So when are you all going to have kids?" "Are you trying?" I know it's innocent. I know it's the next natural step for a married couple. Heck, I've even asked those kind of questions before I was on the other end of it. Now I'm not prepared for how to answer those questions. How do you answer them without instantly making that person feel bad that they asked or making them take pity on you? The truth is, we have been trying. We're not successful. We can't biologically do it on our own. I just plaster a smile, try not to get defensive, go into robot mode, and mumble something. Usually a lie about us just not being ready yet because I really don't know what to say. How much is too much to divulge?

There's really no good way to wrap up a heavy post. I just needed to get it out. I don't want to silently struggle. I need help understanding it and if I can possibly help someone else by talking about it, fantastic. Life is hard. Let's support one another.

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Hey guys! I'm here for my once-a-quarter blog post. Sad, but true. It's fall break! I'm always so happy to make it to October. Good riddance, first eight weeks of school. Glad that's over with.


This year, well, I'm definitely not at the beach. :( I can't complain, though. I was lucky to travel a lot this summer. The result of being on the go means I'm a little poor in the travel budget right now. Instead of enjoying the nice Florida weather, I'm left behind with the crazy Kentucky weather. Saturday it was so hot and humid here I was miserable. Today I had to bust out my space heater and sweatshirt. Ridiculous.




My brother moved out of my house in August. Yes, dear brother that I had as a roommate for two years spread his wings, packed up, and moved out on his own. :tear:
The weekend he moved out, I got the itch to redo his bathroom. Boy germs. Yuck. A trip to Lowe's was in order. I got new paint. And, well, we all know that new paint will lead to a complete overhaul. Yeah, I bought all new everything: towel bars, glass wall shelf, faucet, shower rod, shower curtain, rugs, decorative accessories. Everything. It was fun. And a little bit expensive.
That's probably the real reason I don't have Florida money right now.


I love my new faucet. I would love it even more if it were fully functioning right now. The guy below, who will remain nameless but I think you all know who he is, got frustrated and ended up snapping the drain pipe in half tried really hard to finish it up but encountered a little problem. Now a plumber needs to be called. More travel funds. Down the drain.

Today is the day. My last official day of summer. Summer is breaking up with me today and it's not mutual. Back to work tomorrow. First day with kids on Thursday. Sigh. It was fun while it lasted. The countdown to May is on.



I met my new crop of kids yesterday. They seem good. Good is good. I like good. One little boy was following me around the room for awhile. He then asked, "Are you nice?" I laughed. What an awesome question. He really wasn't sure. I told him I try to be nice. Then I asked him what he thought about me and my niceness. He said he thinks I'm nice. I told him if he's nice, I'm nice. That's how Ms. Marcum does it.

We're totally switching gears here, but random is my specialty, along with procrastination, so here we go. I was at the doctor the end of last week. The lady doctor variety. Each exam room in my doctors office has a little picture in the light above your table for you to look at and 'take you away to another place', I guess. I've seen many of the scenes in the exam rooms over the years: an underwater ocean scene, a beach, etc. I was in a new room this time.

I don't know about you guys, but animal babies staring at me from the sky above (so naturally it was animal heaven) struck me as odd. I don't need a parrot, dog, and kitten looking down upon me with my legs spread for a perfect view of my privacy. Guardian gynecology animals. They saw it all. They saw it ALL.

And you know what else was great about the visit? My doctor about fell off of his spinning stool when he looked at my chart and told me I've gained 12 pounds in the past year. Ouch. He said that made him feel like a failure as a doctor. I told him that was strange. I'm the one that can't put the fork down. Or the bag of chips down. Or the ice cream bars down. Or whatever it may be.
But since he wanted to take full responsibility, I left the office and drove straight to Chick-fil-A.

I'm off to squeeze out the last little drops of summery sunny awesomeness of this day.

Oh my goodness gracious! It's been far too long! I've missed you guys. I've missed writing. I feel like I have 1,276 things to tell you all. There's so much to catch up on.
I had to take a little bit of a mental check out from a lot of "extra" things in my life this past year, blogging being one, sadly. Last school year was a great one--one of my best ever--but it was exhausting. Completely draining. I had no idea how tiring being apart of an inaugural school year would be. Opening a school is no joke. I can't imagine how exhausted my poor principal was all the time.
Plus the students I had last year...mercy. Wore. Me. Out.

But.
I'm just finishing up a long summer break. Glorious sunshiny summer break. It arrived right on time (before I had a nervous breakdown) and was exactly what I needed. I was drained but am feeling recharged and much more like myself. I'm still not ready to go back to school, but I never really will be, so might as well get this train rolling. I want summer break 12 months a year, but I don't think that's ever going to happen.

So much has happened since my last post in April.

I turned 30. So I'm old now. Honestly, 30 has been fantastic so far. I think 29 was way worse because I had a whole year with 30 looming ahead. I dreaded its coming. But 30 is here now, so that's out of the way. I'm excited about all the great things ahead.

My two best friends had babies, so I'm an Aunt now--twice! I love sweet little Kalyn and Lincoln to pieces. I'm so proud of these babies and their mommas for pushing it real good and bringing them into the world.

I've spent a great deal of the summer living out of a suitcase and traveling. I enjoyed some time in Florida, St. Louis, and Vegas.

I met some fun new people, including some blog friends! Hey y'all!
(I'll post soon on my Vegas trip and the many great ladies that I met while I was there!)


I adopted a new furry friend, a Siamese kitten that I named Juniper. I call her Junie for short. This little kitten is trouble, I tell ya. She is a wild one, but she sure is cute, though. She reminds me of Skippyjon Jones. Daisy still isn't real sure about her. She's kind of missing being the "only child".



So yes, a lot has been going on since my hiatus, but the biggest news of all that I've been withholding from you all is that I have myself a boyfriend now. Yes! You read that correctly. If I could insert fireworks or a parade in this post, I would. I'm pretty happy about it. He's great. I'm great. We're great.
And this is going to be wayyyyyyyyyyy cheesy, but you know how my little blog title is about waiting on the butterflies? Well...I think I've finally found them. Finally! And I'm not one to talk about mushy gushy stuff, so the fact that I'm mentioning it at all says a lot. So, shh! Let's stop talking about it so I don't jinx it.

I just wanted to pop in and let you know I'm still alive. I'm dying to post about Vegas so I will do that very soon in between all the back to school craziness that I'm all up in. I'll talk at you all soon.