Infertile Turtle

We received notice that our (public) adoptive home study was approved yesterday!

And there are already several sibling groups we have inquired about.  Our adoptive specialist will be able to forward them our home study, get a bit of information on the child/ren to see if initially we may be a match, & then find out about staffing or situations or what-not.

We've made initial contact with two case managers regarding a couple of kids.  Still have to have them review our home study, but it'll come I guess.

Still a lot of waiting & being patient, as this can definitely take a while.  And we may not even be a match for any of the children!  We may be waiting a year from now.

And that's okay.  We are trying to be open to what we are meant to do & how we are meant to love & care for these children in need.

And I'm still a bit scared of adopting.  How it'll impact E, our family, our home, our everything.

But, if God is leading us... We are prepared to follow.  Trusting Him.  Praying a lot.  Seeking a lot of help & support.  :)

We still haven't received any foster placement calls.  Still kind of waiting, but kind of relieved to just BE for now.

Just wanted to check in & keep this little blog a bit up to date.

I've kind of stunk at this updating the blog thing.  Since I'm taking a step back from Facebook, I thought I'd attempt keeping up my blog.

In 2013, we fostered 5 children.  It was chaotic, it was unlike anything I expected... worse AND better than I expected.

We attempted our last try at biological children.  We found out on April 1st that this will not be possible without a true miracle.  We all know how miraculous a conception/pregnancy is, but our's will no longer be pursued in a fertility clinic.  My body is neither producing enough eggs (honestly, I can't even remember how many eggs they retrieved... I think three or four.  Only three were fertilized & made it to day three transfer) or the quality I used to (they all fertilized but none of them were as good as they "normally" were in previous transfers).  I had hoped this would be another miracle, but it wasn't.

April was also the month the first anniversary of our missed due date from the second pregnancy.

So, April is a sad month for me.  :(

Back to fostering, our most recent foster child led to pursuing an adoptive home study that would allow us to have a public adoption through the State system.  We are still waiting on two signatures from our licensing agency (all our work has been done, just final stages of approval).  Once that is done, we will be sending our home study to several counties throughout the State to attempt matching with a child.  Currently, our hearts are geared toward older children at risk to age out of the system.  I'm not sure where this will lead, but we are open.

Our little guy is 4 years old now.  Hard to imagine that, but he is.  He's charming, beautiful, & a true joy.  I'm grateful to have him & amazed at how much I love him. I am so glad that he is the one we are able to parent.

{Waiting for the Scan & Chat w/ RE}

{Prepping for the First Stim Shot of the Cycle}

Insurance coverage is different than years before with us paying more out of pocket.  But, the savings alongein the medication is amazing.  We somehow ended up with a larger than normal ta.x re.turn this year, so it's been tagged for IVF!

I'm very excited about this opportunity.  I know, I know... It'll either work or it won't.  But, this is just exciting.  I am trying to be as laid back & non-controlling as possible; I didn't even ask the RE to tell me how many antra.l follicles we are starting with!  And, I'm okay with that... so far!  :)

Next scan is Tuesday morning.

I realized that I have only blogged a bit here about our infertility journey because, well, this is my infertility blog.

I follow many of you & have read faithfully for years the blogs that intertwine infertility & your real life.  So, then it hit me, maybe some of you wouldn't mind seeing my updates.

Does that seem selfish of me?  I hope not.

I hope that reading about the other facets of our lives will encourage you... whether you are in a "still waiting" stage of life, "done with treatment, does life go on?" stage, or just "is it really as good as I dream it'll be when I have a child" stage.

I will definitely keep all my archives here as I do hope to do IVF again in the next six months.  I can't help but want to complete any potentially coveraged treatments before really hanging up THOSE stirrups.  And I love being able to read through what happened at each visit & bloodwork appointment, because even though I thought I'd never forget...

I did.

But I will never forget how painful this journey is.  It still hurts to the deepest parts of my heart.  In those quiet moments when I lay beside my amazing son & hear his breathing, then kiss his sweet face.  When I hear of another pregnancy upon pregnancy, it catches my breath.  I have had to run to an empty space many times this year to shed the tears I am too afraid to shed in front of others.

I am so grateful for what I have learned on this journey & am awe of the child I was granted, but I still hate infertility.  I am still so confused as to why we have to endure this torture & never-ending pain.

But, it's not always like that.  It is usually only that painful when I allow myself to feel it.  Most days, I just cherish being able to putter around my house, snuggle with my son, make dinners for his Daddy, serve in our wonderful church, & spend time with the family & friends-that-are-pretty-much-family that live nearby.

Also fair to mention, we are in the final stages of getting our foster home license.  If you've followed me some time, you may remember we took the State course in Fall 2008 that was a precursor to beginning a homestudy.  In Spring 2012, we started the homestudy.  In November 2012, our file was sent to the State for approval.  We are literally weeks away from receiving our license & getting a call to take a foster child into our homes.

I am scared, but I am also excited.  I was very open about what my heart is open to (fostering only, 0-12mths) & everything seems to have worked out so far.  I will be blogging about our fostering, so if that is something you are considering, have done, or are just remotely interested in... Hit up my personal blog.

Without Further Adieu:

A Little Peace of Paradise

Well, I did take those HPTS 12dpIUI and 13dpIUI and both were negative. This morning, I still have not started my cycle, so I tested again (per my clinic's instructions). Still a negative. Of course. Not sure why I thought this might have the inkling to work, but I did. This week, my primary goals are to paint the extra room to set it up as my craft station (and guest room when the need arises) & to get all the old baby clothes in the attic. I need to buy some boards of some sort to lay across the rafters, but I decided to hold onto the baby clothes a bit longer. Just in case my husband decides he may want to do IVF again. And, for that matter, if I decide I want to go through it again. I suppose the clinic will still want to do an u/s on CD3, but I don't think I'm going to. I don't want to add any hormones to my system & I won't go on birth control or do another IUI, so I'm not sure the purpose. I have also lost 25lbs since February, so I'm anticipating a cleanse in the next couple of weeks to help clear out any muscle or tissue impact from the Clomid + hCG trigger shot. And maybe lose a couple more pounds. If I can't have another baby, I might as well be happy with how my body looks AND knowing it is healthier. Peace to you all this week.

I have been fairly calm in this 2ww thus far. Maybe it feels so different because with IVF, you know if you have at least one embryo that has a chance of implanting. Now, the egg has either been fertilized or not & I won't know at all, really. I haven't had many symptoms, although the past cycles with symptoms were always later than now. :) Yesterday, I did feel extremely angry at some points. For not much reason. And I feel like I'm having hot flashes nearly daily. I'm guessing either of those may be related to the C.lomid? Not really sure if it's side effects kick in this late, but maybe. Today, I have had short patience with my child. I think that is due from stress I am feeling from increased responsibilities at church & because my baby is just not acting like himself. More hot flashes, but I am almost just used to them by now. With my low dosage of hCG, I'm guessing it should be totally non-detectable very shortly. I think I am going to wait until at least 12dpIUI to test. I've seen some others get positives earlier than that, but I have never gotten one that early in my cycle. I think 12dpIUI is safe, if it's negative (or, let's be real, positive) that day, I will test 13dpIUI, too. Then again on the 14dpIUI. Unless, of course, my p.eriod comes by then. I have had lots of cramping. Lots of pain the couple of days after IUI/ovu.lation. Not sure that it really means anything, but just as journaling. Hope you all are doing wonderful out there!

The IUI is done. We had 28 million little guys for the mission. The doctor said they like to have at least 20 million, so that is good. Since they thought I may have another polyp, he did an u/s super quick before the procedure to check. Ice he looked at my u.terus, that was it.(He didn't see anything that appeared to be a polyp, so that is good.) I asked if they look to see how many follicles they suspect to be mature and was told they just go off the day 12 u/s. Out of the eleven follicles, four appeared to be mature. So, we have one follicle/egg per seven million sperm. It seems like more than enough, but I know many people take several IUIs to get pregnant, IF they do get pregnant with IUI. I am praying for peace and guidance over these next two weeks. If this doesn't work, I think I will begin the process of accepting no more. No more treatment. No more baby clothes in tubs. No more. It is sad, but it is also not sad. I am amazingly thrilled and in love with my child. He IS enough for this momma and I want him to be confident that his parents love him very much and thank God for him everyday. Our instructions were to resume normal activity today, BD tomorrow, then take an HPT in 15 days if my cycle hasn't started. I WILL be texting early. I am not sure if I will test out the trigger first or just wait until 11/12dpIUI, but u won't be waiting 15 days! I have had a lot of cramping today and ovarian discomfort the past couple of days. Not sure how normal the cramping is, but I am going to try my best to stay off the forums and blogs to just let this cycle ride out. At this moment, we are about 30 minutes from home and looking forward to some boating or swimming later today. I am really looking forward to this long weekend and spending time with both my boys. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!