Infertile Turtle

I realized that I have only blogged a bit here about our infertility journey because, well, this is my infertility blog.

I follow many of you & have read faithfully for years the blogs that intertwine infertility & your real life.  So, then it hit me, maybe some of you wouldn't mind seeing my updates.

Does that seem selfish of me?  I hope not.

I hope that reading about the other facets of our lives will encourage you... whether you are in a "still waiting" stage of life, "done with treatment, does life go on?" stage, or just "is it really as good as I dream it'll be when I have a child" stage.

I will definitely keep all my archives here as I do hope to do IVF again in the next six months.  I can't help but want to complete any potentially coveraged treatments before really hanging up THOSE stirrups.  And I love being able to read through what happened at each visit & bloodwork appointment, because even though I thought I'd never forget...

I did.

But I will never forget how painful this journey is.  It still hurts to the deepest parts of my heart.  In those quiet moments when I lay beside my amazing son & hear his breathing, then kiss his sweet face.  When I hear of another pregnancy upon pregnancy, it catches my breath.  I have had to run to an empty space many times this year to shed the tears I am too afraid to shed in front of others.

I am so grateful for what I have learned on this journey & am awe of the child I was granted, but I still hate infertility.  I am still so confused as to why we have to endure this torture & never-ending pain.

But, it's not always like that.  It is usually only that painful when I allow myself to feel it.  Most days, I just cherish being able to putter around my house, snuggle with my son, make dinners for his Daddy, serve in our wonderful church, & spend time with the family & friends-that-are-pretty-much-family that live nearby.

Also fair to mention, we are in the final stages of getting our foster home license.  If you've followed me some time, you may remember we took the State course in Fall 2008 that was a precursor to beginning a homestudy.  In Spring 2012, we started the homestudy.  In November 2012, our file was sent to the State for approval.  We are literally weeks away from receiving our license & getting a call to take a foster child into our homes.

I am scared, but I am also excited.  I was very open about what my heart is open to (fostering only, 0-12mths) & everything seems to have worked out so far.  I will be blogging about our fostering, so if that is something you are considering, have done, or are just remotely interested in... Hit up my personal blog.

Without Further Adieu:

A Little Peace of Paradise

Well, I did take those HPTS 12dpIUI and 13dpIUI and both were negative. This morning, I still have not started my cycle, so I tested again (per my clinic's instructions). Still a negative. Of course. Not sure why I thought this might have the inkling to work, but I did. This week, my primary goals are to paint the extra room to set it up as my craft station (and guest room when the need arises) & to get all the old baby clothes in the attic. I need to buy some boards of some sort to lay across the rafters, but I decided to hold onto the baby clothes a bit longer. Just in case my husband decides he may want to do IVF again. And, for that matter, if I decide I want to go through it again. I suppose the clinic will still want to do an u/s on CD3, but I don't think I'm going to. I don't want to add any hormones to my system & I won't go on birth control or do another IUI, so I'm not sure the purpose. I have also lost 25lbs since February, so I'm anticipating a cleanse in the next couple of weeks to help clear out any muscle or tissue impact from the Clomid + hCG trigger shot. And maybe lose a couple more pounds. If I can't have another baby, I might as well be happy with how my body looks AND knowing it is healthier. Peace to you all this week.

I have been fairly calm in this 2ww thus far. Maybe it feels so different because with IVF, you know if you have at least one embryo that has a chance of implanting. Now, the egg has either been fertilized or not & I won't know at all, really. I haven't had many symptoms, although the past cycles with symptoms were always later than now. :) Yesterday, I did feel extremely angry at some points. For not much reason. And I feel like I'm having hot flashes nearly daily. I'm guessing either of those may be related to the C.lomid? Not really sure if it's side effects kick in this late, but maybe. Today, I have had short patience with my child. I think that is due from stress I am feeling from increased responsibilities at church & because my baby is just not acting like himself. More hot flashes, but I am almost just used to them by now. With my low dosage of hCG, I'm guessing it should be totally non-detectable very shortly. I think I am going to wait until at least 12dpIUI to test. I've seen some others get positives earlier than that, but I have never gotten one that early in my cycle. I think 12dpIUI is safe, if it's negative (or, let's be real, positive) that day, I will test 13dpIUI, too. Then again on the 14dpIUI. Unless, of course, my p.eriod comes by then. I have had lots of cramping. Lots of pain the couple of days after IUI/ovu.lation. Not sure that it really means anything, but just as journaling. Hope you all are doing wonderful out there!

The IUI is done. We had 28 million little guys for the mission. The doctor said they like to have at least 20 million, so that is good. Since they thought I may have another polyp, he did an u/s super quick before the procedure to check. Ice he looked at my u.terus, that was it.(He didn't see anything that appeared to be a polyp, so that is good.) I asked if they look to see how many follicles they suspect to be mature and was told they just go off the day 12 u/s. Out of the eleven follicles, four appeared to be mature. So, we have one follicle/egg per seven million sperm. It seems like more than enough, but I know many people take several IUIs to get pregnant, IF they do get pregnant with IUI. I am praying for peace and guidance over these next two weeks. If this doesn't work, I think I will begin the process of accepting no more. No more treatment. No more baby clothes in tubs. No more. It is sad, but it is also not sad. I am amazingly thrilled and in love with my child. He IS enough for this momma and I want him to be confident that his parents love him very much and thank God for him everyday. Our instructions were to resume normal activity today, BD tomorrow, then take an HPT in 15 days if my cycle hasn't started. I WILL be texting early. I am not sure if I will test out the trigger first or just wait until 11/12dpIUI, but u won't be waiting 15 days! I have had a lot of cramping today and ovarian discomfort the past couple of days. Not sure how normal the cramping is, but I am going to try my best to stay off the forums and blogs to just let this cycle ride out. At this moment, we are about 30 minutes from home and looking forward to some boating or swimming later today. I am really looking forward to this long weekend and spending time with both my boys. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!

So, we head back to Jax tomorrow for an IUI. We spell compromise that way... IUI. I still want to do an IVF cycle with the remaining coverage we have, but DH is still not comfortable. I think we are both still reeling from August's miscarriage & December's fail. But, when my period came on Mother's Day right before heading to church, that night my brain started whirling. I called Monday morning to see if they'd be willing to do an IUI. They said yes & called my script in. I was thinking they may not stim me on cl.omid as I have been diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve & required LOTS more stims than most people. I was on 100 of Clo.mid on day 3- day 7. I went for the CD12 u/s on Thursday. Guess what?! They measured 11 follicles?! I mean, granted, they are not all the same size or even close to be mature... but I was nervous! I didn't even make half that many follicles with our first IVF. So, yesterday, the nurse called & said to check with OPKs. I tested twice yesterday and once this morning, then was told to take the trigger shot (only 3300, though) this morning. We are scheduled for an IUI in the morning. I know our chances are fairly low, but I can't help but be hopeful. My doctor won't be on call tomorrow, but I do plan to ask plenty of questions anyways. In other news, I have continued to eat better & exercise. In fact, I'm in between my pre-IF treatment weight & my pre-pregnancy weight. Only took 2.5 years, but I'm still happy to be back here. My little guy is still amazing. He is so sweet & witty & charming. Looking forward to spending the summer with him! :)

A few weeks ago, some dear friends that also happen to be amazing photographers snapped a few shots of my little one. {Tanya, if you see this, please don't be upset... since I will get access to the digital file, I "borrowed" this low rez from the Facebook page to brag!}

He was way more interested in playing with the baby chickens than smiling, but he was still cute as ever.


It's amazing how beautiful he is. I know I have mommy-goggles on, but I just adore this little boy. He is such an incredible miracle & he is more than I ever could have expected or asked for. As sad as I feel approaching our unfulfilled due date, I am humbled by the honor to be this little guy's Momma.

He has my heart.

Hope you all are enjoying this restful weekend & may Easter be sweet & peaceful.

Portraits by Douglas Photography

I have planned to update the blog many times, but it is pretty much the same.

A roller coaster of emotions.

One day, I think I am close coming to terms with having a single child. I am amazed and grateful for the miracle he is, but it still hits me so hard when there are new pregnancy announcements or baby showers every other Sunday at church or counting down the weeks we have until our due date from our second, last, pregnancy.

Have I told everyone there are three friends due within three days of our due date? And it is less than five weeks away? And I have no idea how to get through it when I can't even think about it without breaking down a bit each time?

Back in the fall of 2008, while we prepared to cycle, we completed a MAPP course. In Florida, this is a ten week course anyone seriously interested in fostering or adopting through the State must complete before moving forward into a homestudy. Well, we are now about halfway through the homestudy to foster. My heart is not ready to consider adoption, but contemplating fostering.

I am still hoping to cycle once more through our clinic. The husband says he is open to talking more about it, but we never talk about it. I think he either secretly hopes it'll just happen or is deciding to be content with our family how it is.

Which, of course, I am happy with our family. I just ache for another child.

I have also drastically changed my eating habits and started walking more. Lost about ten pounds in the last month and plan to lose more in the months to come.

Guess that is about it...