A Whiter Shade of Pale

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Anyway, if you've noticed, I've changed my blogskin and it has given me back the archives! Which I read with much interest - out of pure curiosity and nostalgia. It feels strange and voyeuristic at the same time - can you actually do that to yourself? I felt like a naughty little sister peeking into my older sister's diary while she's in the shower. Well well... I suppose I'm glad that I'm older. On hindsight, every problem faced then seemed small and laughable, every pretty picture evokes overly-rosy memories.

Reading my entries from last fall brought back so many lovely memories, but somehow it saddens me a lot to know that I have to let go and bury it underground and stick a gravestone which says R.I.P. Like what some friends say, it's over and it's merely a phase of life. True... and I can't cling onto to such an idyllic lifestyle for forever. Suddenly life seems so cruel, to let you have a taste of the good life and then strip you entirely of it. And now I sound way too melodramatic about life.

But now I'm stuck with the uneviable age-old question of what is the meaning of life? Is it just about fufiling expectations? Not rocking the boat? Enter and leave the world quietly? Or leave a mark somewhere, somehow? Imprint your name in the history books? Is it for the greater good? For the advancement of mankind? So I don't know, and hopefully someone can enlighten me. While we are all figuring things out, I just want to be happy in all the little small ways which I can. I was just telling wh that I'm easy to please - I only want to spend time with the people I love. It just pains me to know that I can't do that with j as he's so far away. At least I have my friends here, but somehow there's still a vacuum which lots of fun, alcohol and parties still can't fill. I miss him.

want to stop hurting
want to stop crying
want to stop sinking
want to stop dreaming

He said he doesn't believe in fate
But he'll leave her to chance
He long confessed that he's hot & cold
Just so he won't break her heart.

She's disillusioned
Trapped in her crystal ball of sepia memories
She has no great expectations
But is she losing faith?

He talked about tangible things like matter
He said they're not solid now
Did he mean liquid or gas?
She hopes distance apart over time apart isn't the speed they'll fall out of love.

She says, well Darling
I hope that you're warm and happy tonight
I miss you and I need you
But maybe you've found someone else to hold tight
So all I can say now is goodnight.

I think the monsoon season has arrived, it's been pouring on a daily basis now and I DON'T have my wellies! Darn. This is further dampened by School, as it's becoming more like a bore and chore now. I hope December beholds something bold & bright to cheer up my holidays.

In fact, the extent to which I am affected by the thunderstorms is ridiculous! Last saturday (31 Oct), the lightning struck my house multiple times at 7+pm, plunging my entire house into pitch black darkness. (My house's electricity trips to protect the electrical appliances when lightning strikes.) We discovered that there is an apparent lack of torches, and there weren't enough to go around. So my mom, brother & I were at the kitchen table, trying to light some candles. It was funny as we didn't even have proper candles to do so as my mom had refused to let us light candles at home since we were young. So I took a candle upstairs to my room and i could only stare at it forlornly, when i should be doing my work before heading out. It's a stark reminder of just how much we are dependent on electricity, even when we don't think that we are tech-addicts. Thereafter, we had dinner by faint, flickering candle light.

I was so grateful when the flashing lightning and rolling thunder subsided after dinner. I was getting dressed to head out when my bathroom light blew. FML.