Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Books are mirrors; you only see in them what you already have inside you.

This book is captivating, wondrous! I havn't felt so affected by a good piece of fiction in a while. Set in one of my favourite cities, the mystery, intrigue, thrill & suspense had weaved in a fair bit of thought-provoking wisdom learnt by the characters after undergoing the greatest sufferings. I sympathised with all of the cursed characters from Julian Carax's past- his best friend who adored him and sacrificed everything he could, including his life; Nuria Monfort, his lover who loved him while knowing that he only thought of Penelope (who turned out to his half-sister?!); his beloved Penelope who died in childbirth as punished by her furious father; his long-suffering mother and father trapped in an unhappy marriage; and also himself who eventually morphed into a devil due to pure self-hatred. I was so relieved to see him find self-redemption at the end of the story.

Anyhow, I'm contemplating about the different memorable bits sprouted within the book. It mentioned that one only loves truly once in one's life, even if you don't know it. How can you be sure of it? If it's true, how do you know that someone is the right one whom you're devoting true love to? How ironic for me to take these words so seriously when Nuria lamented that there are worse prisons than words. Memories for one, is definitely a good example. Nevertheless, you exist to the extent that someone remembers you. This was Nuria's last beseech to Daniel before she died in Fumero's hands. Memory is a sharp double-edged sword glinting in the light streaming in from the end of tunnel. It'll only cut deeply when fallen into the wrong hands, so please use it prudently and guard it fiercely.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Silver Cruiser

The weekend cruise to Redang was nice but it wasn't all the same without our usual cruise buddies to do the silliest things. I can't believe we didn't even manage to finish our alcohol! Ridiculous. I was sooo looking forward to playing the lift drinking game which I've invented. But we just crashed & burned in the room after dinner. I blame heat exhaustion. Anyhow, the best takeaway from our trip is probably our golden tans to offset the newly added excess pounds from the overeating. Haha. Perhaps our cruise was too short - not long enough for you to laze around without feeling guilty, but not short & purposeful enough for you to concentrate on enjoy the facilities on board. As usual, the food was great but I'm currently suffering for allowing myself to indulge in gluttony over the weekend. Also, I think its notable that for once, I havn't met any weird creepy people either, so less drama & comedy this time, which may be good or bad, depending on how you see it.

Beyond my happiness from hanging out with my awesome friends, I don't know really know how I feel these days. I thought that this city of shadows was the main culprit in giving me unnecessary reminders, but I think that I've got these shadows lurking around in my mind too. The passage of time will help.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Water & Bridges

I find it strange now that I'm oscillating between 2 extremes - the first being genuinely happy to be single & unburdened with a relationship fraught with uncertainty. It's refreshing, after a long period of basically just pinning for someone. I'm reminded again of how one is capable of experiencing contentment, even without having a romantic partner to share it with. Now, I can look at touchy-feely loved up couples without feeling the stab of self-pity. On the other hand, I still miss him and us. I suppose it's like a dull thudding sort of missing, as I can brush it aside purposefully and ignore it until another occasion pops up. When it does pop up again, I would think about what has transpired and I wonder if he still thinks about me, at least for a while. Once in a while.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Waiting for my rocket to come

I absolutely detest waiting. Waiting for anything & everything. Queues make me mad, traffic jams give me intense road rage, waiting for non-replies & other things just gnaw away at my very being. Although I'm already relieved of the eternal wait for the rare but highly-anticipated & long-awaited reassuring messages from a loved one from 10000 miles away, I'm still not pardoned from the waiting game. Having significantly increased tolerance doesn't mean that I dislike it any less. So please, just say yes - ASAP. I need it more than ever.

Monday, August 09, 2010

tangled in lines

It's a week since i've heard those words which cut me like a knife. I thought I had been doing so well at the beginning, until this weekend when I've finally said my final goodbye. It hurts so much, to the point that it's silly. My mom gave me a meat bun for tea today & I can't believe I simply started tearing because I remembered how he had always enjoyed those pork buns & he would always wear that intense look of concentration whenever he ate something new. Furthermore, I've been out late almost every night, and that was meant to help me crash into bed without thinking about this. Yet, I find myself staying up until 5am in the morning, reading the last thread of email over and over again, taking advice from the ipod shuffle function, crying until I was exhausted enough to sleep. I can't help being like this... for now.

I stay up late to take a break from trying to be strong.

This place is being haunted by the ghosts of you & me, my failures and dissatisfaction. I need a fresh start. I need a change of scenery. I need to find myself again.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Epilogue

It's finally over. I thought it might even bring me some form of relief even if i'm devastated at the loss. Perhaps, it's still too early... I'm still waiting for J to give me some answers to provide me with a proper closure, but I think I already know what he will say. Besides, whatever he'll say won't really matter anymore. As much as I can't bear to say the final long goodbye, I have to. They say, if you love someone, you have to set them free. I'll do that and keep zero regrets for the past 20+ months. I can only be so thankful for the magic we once shared.

I, like everyone else, deserve someone who'll fight hard for me and loves me enough to make sacrifices in order to make things work. The test of distance and time is undeniably gruelling, frustrating and unfair, but if we didn't survive this, then I suppose it's only best that we leave each other with fond memories.

Thank you for everything we had - thank you for loving me and accepting my flaws; thank you for the memorable good times; thank you for showing me how to dream; thank you for being my inspiration and motivation; thank you for bringing out the best in me; thank you for being my gorgeous lover, my dear friend, my beer buddy, my pillar of support, my brilliant playmate, my wise mentor, my beautiful guardian angel. For coming this far with me, I appreciate it truly. Take care, my darling. Farewell. I will miss you and I love you. x