What Makes Me...Me

Merry Christmas.

Christmas eve and Christmas day are two of the many holidays a childless mother like me never really look forward to.

Christmas 2014 would have been Shealyn's sixth Christmas with us. Let that soak in for a minute. 

I should have been at home enjoying my image of a perfect Christmas morning with laughter echoing through the halls amd the smell of brewing coffee floating in the air. The three of us sitting by the tree opening gifts. But instead there  was silence. Empty silence.

This Christmas compared to the past six was different. Different in that even though I miss Shealyn and the idea of her being here, Christmas this year was full of peace.  Maybe that is because of all I've done this past year to rest my soul, my mind and my heart. As you know I  read the bible pretty regularly. Not every day but I read little bits here and there. I've  rid myself of those causing  much heartache and drama in my life. I no longer cared if hubby and I could afford doing Christmas. Major financial issues going on. I'm sure just like most of you but no one really likes talking about that when in reality we all are in the same boat...a few checks from being hungry, homeless or in the dark.

I've worked most holidays  the past three years and this year was no different. This Christmas I was able to reflect on working while at work. Actively participating in the activities going on around me, I  was able to partially remove myself and view what was going on around me. I was able to appreciate the smiles on all of those around me. It was the work I was doing that was easing their minds and worries allowing them to smile even if for just a little while. My world  didn't revolve around me. It wasn't the smiles of family that made this Christmas feel special it was the smiles of thoses that society is to quick to forget about. Those that are often mistreated due to the stigmatization for having some  form of mental illness.

Although no gifts were exchanged in my home I believe I was given the gift  being free of the worries and heartache and disappointment in my life even if it was for two days. My spirit is warming. The load I bare is slowly being lifted. I see that second set of footprints fading. I know why that is.

I feel blessed for this clarity. And blessed to experience the true meaning of Christmas.

Through all of this I still terribly missed Shealyn. My heartached at the sight of an empty tree skirt. I missed the idea of generations of family members coming together in the spirit of love, selflessness, and kindness to  exchange stories of the past year and maybe even a gift or two.

I hope you all had a wonderfulChristmas filled with all you've dreamed of.

We as a society are on our way to hell in a hand basket.  Hell we are probably there already. I don't watch the news anymore, haven't for a long while now, its too depressing. The media never wants to report anything good or positive.  Always negative. Kids missing, cops killing people whether they are innocent or not, riots other countries hating us, isis, you name it. All that stuff just makes me want to lock myself up in a room and call it a day.

Growing up I used to want to save the world. Save the homeless. Save the hungry babies in Africa. Save the less fortunate here in our own backyards. Then I realized I couldn't save myself how would I save the world.

Years and years later I found a quote "you cant save everybody but everybody can save one person". I have decided that even before I can save anyone I have to save myself. If we all saved ourselves we'd then be able to save others. What has become of this world? Years from now they will find evidence of us being here and just like the Mayans,  the Egyptians and the people of Atlantis, they will say what happened to these great people? What happened to us?  We no longer care for our neighbor. We only care about ourselves and not in a good way.

I am not one to preach the bible or preach religion. What you believe is what you believe.  Hell I'm confused just as much as the next person. But I have been looking to myself. Trying to make myself better. Reading the bible and other religious works. 

I had posted something on facebook about the recent protests and riots in Ferguson Missouri.  I understand the protests but the riots took things too far. Anyway I ended up deleting the post because the comments became hateful almost. And people that didnt even know each other were calling each other names, etc. Anyway in the post I had mentioned something that I read and couldn't remeber the context or where I read it. Anyway, it was from Psalms 78. "A stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation that did not set its heart aright, and whose spirit was not faithful to God." That is what has become of us. That is what has become of this world. What happened to kindness and compassion?  What happened to us being....humans? We need to get back to peace and kindness.  Love thy neighbor.

I remember as a kid that we respected law enforcement and they the same. They were there to protect and serve us. And I'll probably get shit for this but now it seems like they protect and serve themselves. Law enforcement back in the day where seen as heros. Now they are viewed as villians. Yeah their are bad cops but there are also good too. At least that's what I chose to believe. It all boils down to RESPECT. Respect from us and respect from them. Stop with the attitudes when questioned. That goes for black, white, brown, purple, green, blue, yellow, red and so on.

This hatred we have for our law enforcement must stop. You wouldn't have this hatred toward our military,  navy and army personnel.  So why do you have it for your local law enforcement?  Like I said yeah there are good cops and bad cops. There are appropriate avenues to go about making complaints.  Riots and more violence is not the answer.

We are the change people talk about. We must change our world we live in. But thay change must start from within.  Change yourself and we can change the nation.

I don't have many followers but that's ok. Anyway, I am doing the NaNoWriMo this year and this time I want to finish. But I'm stuck.  I am writing Shealyn's story, and my journey through trying to grt pregnant. But like I said I'm stuck. My author friend suggested I write to get out of being stuck but I don't really have a starting point I guess. This is where my readers come in handy. I need your questions. Maybe that will help me. So do you have any questions for me about trying to get pregnant,  being pregnant,  loss and life after loss? Please comment or email. Your question my be good enough to be included in the my book. :-)

Have I mentioned how much I love my husband?

LMAO

He can be a royal pain in the arse sometimes but he's my pain in the arse.












Last week, I got stuck cleaning a former resident's bedroom. Ewww. Is all I have to say about that. Scrubbed the walls, disinfected everything and scrubbed the carpet, not once, not twice but 4 times. Yeah, so lord know what type of crap I inhaled. Plus a current resident has been ill. Seems mostly a head hold but still spreading germs all the same.

Now, I am coming down with something. Right now it's congestion in my sinuses and I am praying it is nothing more than that. I WILL NOT BE SICKER THAN THAT.

I took hubby to work this morning and came back home to have a coffee and go back to sleep until it was time for me to get up myself and go to work. Almost 2 hours later I check my phone and saw that hubby called FIVE times.
He didn't leave a message and I called back worried that something happened. He finally calls me back to say that he was being sent home early because the truck they were supposed to unload broke down. I told him I'd go get him but he said not to worry about it. Come to find out, he was walking home. I told him I'd pick him up where ever he was. Anyway when he finally gets home he has breakfast, candy and flowers for me. AWWWW.



This is a list of all the things I want to do before I am the Big 4-0. This is not in any particular order except the first one.
**I am always adding stuff.**

1. Have a Rainbow Baby
2. Go to Puerto Rico
3. Go on a cruise
4. Visit/meet up with BLM
5. Visit Christian's Beach in Australia
6. Go to London
7. Go to Paris
8. Fly on a plane
9. sky dive
10. hot air balloon
11. visit all of the lighthouses in NJ
12. have a rainbow baby
13. ride a motorcycle

What are they? Are they your subconscious? Are they messages from the beyond? Are they Angel's way of communicating with you? Are they God's way of communicating with you?

I hardly ever remember my dreams. The ones I do remember are too bizarre to even try to evaluate.

Like years ago, I had a dream where I was trying to get out of a room that was filled with snakes. Of all things snakes. FYI: I HATE SNAKES. Anyway, I was trying to walk over these snakes to get out of the room. I was in mid stride when one snake jumped up and entered me. I woke up after that. That is one dream that has stuck with me for years.

I had a similar dream a couple of weeks ago where something was trying to get at me (just like the snakes). Two days later I my cycle started.

Today, I had a dream that I woke up late for work. When I looked at my phone the time was (can't remember which) either 4:39 or 4:49. I was to be at work at 3:30. LOL. I told hubby and he said well go play the lottery. Stupid me, I did and wasted $2. The number that ended up coming out was 300. LOL.

So anyway back to what dreams are. As you may know I have been reading the bible. And I know I read something either in Job or the first 20 Psalms about something about visions or dreams. For the life of me I can't remember the verse and I didn't mark it. At the time I didn't need to now I wish I did. I'll have to look for it and come back and edit/update this post.

I need to really start listening to my dreams and someone remember them. I don't remember them all of the time. I have been receiving signs when I am awake and can only imagine what I am being given in my sleep.

God is real and He's definitely working with me. I feel it. I feel Him.

And I have been drama free. Life is good. I will no longer worry and stress about why people aren't there. I've kept the door ajar for far too long. No one is going to come. I saw a meme the other day on facebook. It was something about deadbeat dads. A pick of a father and his kid and it said "this could be us but you never come around", or something like that. I ain't keep the door open anymore. Bugs are getting in. You want me you know where to find me. I've called and tried to reach out. You can't force a horse to drink water. I've been working on a letter. Not sure if i will send it out. I may even turn it into a book. Of course I will probably have to use a different name. I'm done trying. I know I keep saying that. But my God, I am tired of crying, tired of being tired, tired of wondering why.

Speaking of God. I have been learning so much from reading the bible. It's taking forever to read it but if I read it all in one shot I'd probably go crazy.

I whispered good night one last time as I left the room, taking one last look before leaving the room. That was the second time. The first time, I didn't get past the doorway.

I was angry. I guess I still am. I believed, deep down in my heart and soul that you would wake up soon. No one gave you that chance it seems. I remember sitting in the waiting room and although I was surrounded by mostly your family, I felt so alone. Where was the rest of my family? Why weren't they there? Did they ever truly care?

15 years ago, you got called to a better place. Now, I am thankful that you get to see how everyone really is.

First day of going to the  gym and working out. 240.5 pounds

My goodness. As you can see I carry most of my weight in my belly. Thanks to PCOS. I look like I am pregnant and have always looked like that. Before I was pregnant I hated my stomach...after we lost Shealyn, I REALLY despised my stomach. It was a constant reminder of what wants here. It was a constant reminder of my body failing us. I'm not sure why it took so long but it took my 5 years of hating the way I looked to finally do something about it. Yeah people say, "oh you're beautiful" or "oh you're so pretty". And hearing it from my husband didn't really mean much. I mean, he's supposed to say I'm pretty, or I'm sexy. We are married. And even though I fix my hair nice, and put makeup on. I have never felt pretty, or beautiful and especially not sexy. But all of that is about to change.