What Makes Me...Me

Well we don't need a dispensation to have the convalidation. We do have to go about the convalidation as if we are engaged. That means weekly meetings with the Deacon and/or Priest for a shortened version of Pre-Cana

Last week during our first meeting we have to pick a date. Usually people going through convalidation will pick a date that is significant for them i.e anniversary. Our wedding anniversary in in May which is after Easter. That means if we go with May, I can't be baptized at Easter Vigil 2016. We had decided to go with the anniversary of when we started dating. Which is Feb. And back when we were engaged it was to be our original wedding date. I will have to find out if this date is ok because it in 2 days before the start of Lent. If this date is ok we will be getting remarried Feb. 8, 2016. Exactly 17 years to the day when we started dating. The cool thing is it's on a Monday and exactly the same 17 years ago.

Now of course if I had it my way we would do the convalidation this month. Yesterday even. But I guess its a compromise. I know he doesn't want to do to this. He is doing it for me. Because he knows what being baptized means to me. But I look at it all like this. We have been wanting to renew our vows. Although we would be making new vows I look at it like its the same vows just...better. I don't think he will ever see it like that. If he did he would probably feel better about it. We don't get much time talk about it but I know his feelings. And he is currently feeling like that last 11 years of marriage doesn't/didn't exist. Although legally we have been married. In the eyes of the church we haven't.

This whole process is difficult to put into words. All I do know is at times I feel defeated. Like its al pointless and will never happen. I guess that is God testing my faith to see if this is something I really want. It is also helping with my patience. If you know me you know that I am very impatient and if I had it my way I'd be baptized already.

Today we meet with the Deacon again. I'll eventually update.

I have been speaking with the Deacon who has been my instructor for RCIA. According to him before I can receive any of the Sacraments and possibly even before I can participate in the Rite of Acceptance, we have to have our marriage Convalidated. Convalidation is basically getting your marriage validated in the eyes of the church. Even though we had a minister preside over our wedding in the eyes of the church it was a civil marriage. In the eyes of the law, we have been rightfully married for 11 years. In the eyes of the church we aren’t. Since my husband was baptized Catholic when he was a baby, and I was never baptized we need a dispensation That is, from what I’ve gather, permission for the Bishop for a Catholic and non-baptized person to get married. The Deacon says there shouldn’t be a problem because I am going though RCIA.

Has anyone out there been through this? How did it work out for you? What were some bumps you hit? How did you get through it?

I finally went to church that day. I had been meaning to go prior to that, but I just wanted to lay in bed on Sunday mornings. Ha, Ms. Lazy Bones at your service. Anyway, the Deacon of the Church called the week before to let me know that he was back from vacation and will be starting the RCIA classes on the 24th of May, Pentecost Sunday.

 I hardly slept the night before. I was too excited, well really more nervous than anything for the next day. Not only was this the first Church service where I was taking not only the faith but my conversion seriously, I was also nervous because I would be going alone and did not know anyone at church. My suggestion, always go with a Catholic friend. It will just make your experience less nerve wracking and more enjoyable. When I got to church, I got there about a half hour before Mass was to start. There was no one in the parking lot. I waited a few minutes for someone else to pull up so that I could at least blend in a little and not stick out like a sore thumb. When I went in, I was taken aback a bit because there was about 10 people already there. I have no idea where they parked. I guess that doesn't really matter. Anyway, I took my seat and attempted to blend in. I think I succeeded pretty well No one noticed me and if they did they weren't all like, "oh you're new here". All gave a small nod of acknowledgement and a warm, friendly smile.

Mass wasn't bad. Less standing, kneeling, sitting than I thought. My RCIA instructor is very nice, and down to earth. He showed me around the church. Point out some things that as a Catholic I need to know. How to kneel, bow, why the candle next to the beautiful shiny thing is always lit and what that shiny thing is called. It's a tabernacle, by the way and it holds the "Blessed Sacrament". We talked for about 40 minutes, it was mostly him telling me the history of the church and catholism. I was given a book, "This is Our Faith." It's my book to highlight and write. I was all too excited. It's really happening. I am really going to convert and become a Catholic.

I don’t even know how I feel about you not being with us anymore. I’m sad. I’m always sad. But essentially it is what it is. I hate that phrase but I always seem to use it. It is what it is. I can’t change things. It’s not in my power to change them. But oh boy, if I change things, you’d be here with us and we’d be getting ready to finish up you kindergarten school year and planning trips for the summer to get ready for first grade. Instead you are up in Heaven, with both of your great-grandfathers. Getting more spoiled than even possible down here.

...to be homeless.

Yup. We have no home to call our own. It isn't the first time and I pray to God it is the LAST time. I won't go into details on how we ended up like this. But will the passing of Billy's grandfather it kind of works out for the best. Thank God for my mother in law. We'd be living out of my car or in a motel if it weren't for her. She was kind enough to open her home to us.

It was bound to happen. I got so far behind in the bills and rent. I tried everything I could possibly think of to prevent the inevitable. But here we are, living out of bags and storage. Its kind of like and extended camping trip. I like camping. Not sue I will like it in a day or two. But for the time being I am fortunate to say even though I don't have a home, I have a warm place to stay. Not many people can say that.

We may be down but we are not out. I/We have been through worse. I think the worse thing we've gone though is the passing of our daughter. I can sit here and say that I am 99.9999% sure Billy would agree. We have a plan and by the grace of God that plan will come to reality and hopefully soon.

These last few months have really put things in prospective for me. I made the choices. I wanted to LIVE and not worry about money and what I can and can't afford. I am now paying for it but for those few shot months I was able to reconnect with Billy and just be....US. If that makes any sense.

Anyway, back to our plan. The plan is by the end of the year we will have a house. Not a rental but our own house. It'll be the 4 of us, Billy, his mom, grandma and myself. It will be interesting to say the least but we will be able to call it home and make it our own. I am already jumping the gun and mentally designing the house but that keeps my mind off other things. Like these insane anxiety and panic attacks. They have been so bad recently. To the point of physicality. That's not who I am. Yeah, as I kid that is what I did. Hell, I had to fight to survive. But, now that just isn't me. But shit happens.

Anyway, this is my life right now. Things are sucky but I have m health and my life, and the people that matter in my life. I am just in one of many dips on this rollercoaster ride that is life.

Abuelito Alberto 1930-2015