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I've got a bruise on my back next to my spine. And it's giving me troubles. I keep getting giddy spells as and when, and it's seriously getting irritating. Get down from the bus, giddy. Climb three steps, giddy. Look up in the sky, giddy. Sianz. Someone without no bruise near the spine whatsoever tell me this happens to you too.. Please!*****************************************
It's funny how sometimes what you learn in life just keeps being proven wrong. Like how you went through a big trauma to learn a fact or many facts about life, the people around you and yourself, but only to be proven wrong at the end of it all.
A part of me wants to stick to what I know and refuse to change what I went through so much to learn and understand, yet a part of me wants to let go of this hard-gotten knowledge and just take the leap of faith.
I guess I went through a lot of arguing with myself before I am finally writing this.. A HUGE part of me just wanted to put up my old, stubborn answer, defences, attitude and all. Because those were the stuff that I learnt I must have to protect myself.
Yet another part of me wanted to ditch that irritating bit of me (haha. you
(you know who you are) are not the only one who finds it appaling) and try to gain back that big part of my life I lost.
That night when my weaknesses were listed out one by one (actually it just boiled down to one, right?), I realised that I had reverted back to my old self. But it was a lot more than that. I just couldn't pinpoint it out when my heart was threatening to thump out of my chest.
It was not the first time people said that to me. And it was definitely not the first time they told me what to do. But something felt wrong when I heard it, and I felt that I had something to say that what you saw me was not how I was.
A resolution to be a better person has definitely been around. And it has been around for a freaking long time. All the advice on how to go about it, I've been working on it for 2 years, I think. I even wrote a poem on it la. In a book that is sort of my diary.
Maybe I watch myself only around people who are strangers, or people whom I really really care for. But either way, I find myself keeping my resolutions around only some people..
I guess I had really gotten used to not having that big part of my life, and I was already not enjoying your company like I used to. Probably it was a case of different frequencies, that when your doors are opened, my doors are closed, and when mine are opened, yours are closed. In the end, you feel that you're just giving on your part, when actually I was just having that feeling too.
I agree with you that it is my own mental barrier that I have to go through, but I cannot agree that I want you to live the way I want you to. I was badly hurt by you many times before, and now you still ask that I change and work for your trust and friendship. I ask that I won't be hurt again, that's all.. But you say that I am insisting you live the way I want you to, when I don't even dare feel that you are insisting I change just to suit you.
Haha. Probably you still don't know how much of a loser I am. But all I need is a sentence of "I won't hurt you again" and that would be all. I don't need actions, I don't need anything else. Even an empty promise will do. Haha. I am such a freaking loser.
But it would still be wonderful for you to mean it when you say it. At least I know that even if you do hurt me again, you never meant it.
Oh well. For things to come to such a state for you and me. I don't know what to say also. I guess I could only go back to how you knew me as I were right at the beginning and just give both of us a chance to let this work out one more time. I know I cannot work towards gaining your friendship and trust back, or even having the hope of a happy ending kinda thing cos I know I definitely cannot take it if it fails.
Maybe you can just give up a friendship just like that if it doesn't work out, but I guess that is something too precious for me to just let go. And I don't want to just hit the bottom level and do everything I can to make you happy. Which is what I am very prone to doing.
I have no doubts that everything might
just work out in the end, but as you said, it is still a mental barrier I have to overcome.
So yup. Everything will go back to the beginning. And how it takes off from there, we'll just leave it to God. All the best for both of us.
p.s. Haha. I don't even know if you actually read my blog..
