Is it my turn yet?

Today was not a good day. I went to meet up with my hubby at a bar by my inlaws house today for a drink before going over to my inlaws for a baby shower for one of DH's cousins. Anyway, I saw one of my mom's old friends at the bar that I have not seen in years so I decided to go over and say hello. Well the first thing at of his mouth was - Do you have any kids yet? I gave my standard answer - not yet - maybe soon - we will see and he started basically yelling at me - he said I was not getting any younger and that I really need to start having children and that he heard that my younger brother already had two children and what was my problem?? He kept going on and on - I just walked away and out of the bar - DH followed me to make sure I was okay - I drove to my inlaws house from there - I walked in their door and just started crying - I was sobbing - I just could not help it - like where did that guy get off - what right did he have - he had no clue what I was going through. My father in law just gave me a big hug and kiss - but I was so embrassed that I was crying in front of them - but I could not help it. I hate IF and everything that comes with it.

Ughh - this has to be the longest day of my life - I am so dramtic - LOL. No but seriously I am not a happy camper - I am sore and just do not feel good and it is hard to sit upright because my incision in my belly gets pushed down and then it hurts. I am leaning back on my chair - which in turn is making my back hurt. I told my boss when he came in this morning that I could not pull files or bend over or lift anything heavy - what does he tell me to do - not an hour later - pull a file. I had to get on my knees to get the file - it was horrible. Then to add to the problem there is a bit of fresh blood under the glue where my incison is - I think it is from my pants rubbing - the same thing happend to John with his inicison - and he went to the doctor and the doctor said it was fine as long as it was not coming out of the glue - so I guess it is fine. I hope so. I am so tired - I never realized how important it is to have your health - everything takes me forever and really tires me out - I hope I feel back to normal soon - I am sick of feeling this way. At least tomorrow is only a half a day - I can make it two more hours - just two more hours then I can do home and get in bed - okay - complaint over.

I had my lap surgery three days ago. It was not fun. We got to the hospital about 8:30 am and the took me right back. I got changed into a gown and had to wait in this little room by myself for about a half and hour until I could get a bed. Once I got a bed - they hooked up my IV and started giving me fluids and they let John come back and be with me at that point. I was a mess - I kept crying and could not stop - I was so nervous. Plus all of the fluids they were giving me made me pee - alot. I was back there for about and hour or so and I went to the bathroom 6 times during that period - I ask if they could stop the fluids but they said no.

At 10:30 am I finally went back to the OR. Once they gave me the drugs I was out - do not remember a thing.

When I woke up my throat was so sore - my mouth was so dry and I kept coughing and coughing. I was coughing so much that they began to become concerned but all I need was some ice chips to wet my very dry mouth. So after that I was able to go to the bathroom and then since I went to the bathroom I was able to leave. Once I came out of the bathroom - John was there waiting for me - I got dressed and we were able to leave. I was home by 2:30 pm.

I am very glad to be home. The worse part is my throat - it is so sore and coughing hurt my incisions. The incison are okay - the one in the belly hurts the worse and it is made harder by the fact that they gave me no pain medicine - which I find really odd - when I asked about it they told me all I need was advil. So that is what I have been taking. Luckly I have had no gas pain. I am still a bit sore but getting around. John has been taking such good care of me.

Oh and last but not least - they did not find anything - I got the all clear - so that is a good thing.

I cannot believe my surgery is tomorrow. I am so nevous - but prepared. I spent most of the weekend getting things checked off my list. I got the house all cleaned - let just hope it can stay that way. I all the wash done. I got all of my Christmas shopping done and all of my present wrapped. Tonight I will go food shopping so we are all stocked up and get my Christmas tree. I have all my work done at my office and everything is good for when I am not there. I am ready. It will be fine - and I have a great husband who is going to take great care of me. I will not know until tonight after work what time my surgery is at - but they told me it would be in the morning. I probably will not be posting for a few days - but once I feel up to it - I will post all about the surgery.

I went for my pre-op appointment yesterday - I met with the RE first and went over everything that was going to happen and filled out a bunch of forms and signed a million papers.

Then I went over to the hospital where I am having my surgery and met with the Aesthesiologist and she went over everything - they are going to have to stick a tube down my throat - not fun.

I am super nervous because of course they had to tell everything that can go wrong - which freaked me out - even though I know that just have to tell me - just in case - not that it will happen to me - but it is still scary.

I have to call on Monday and find out what time I have to go in - it will be in the morning sometime.

I just cannot wait until it is over.

So I have my SIL again this year from my pollyanna - a pollyanna for those of you who do not know is that we all put our names in a hat and each pick one - that way everyone gets a gift and you only have to spent for one person.

Last year I got her a Dooney & Burke bag and she love love loved it - she has used that handbag since the day she got it - never switched bags and is still using it - but they are expensive and I did not want to spend that much money this year.

So I know her friend bought her a down comforter for Christmas - so I thought I would get her the duvet and shams to go with it. So that is what I did - I did not realize that they are not cheap either and I ended up spending $ 160.00 - so I called John and told him what I got and he was disappointed and said that gift would not wow her and I should of gotten her another handbag because she would love that.

So I figure that I had a $ 25 off coupon so that bag that I liked for her would only be $ 175.00 - which would not be far off from the $ 160 I had already spend. So I returned the duvet and shams and got the bag - the only thing was the coupon did not work for handbag - so I had to pay the full $ 200 - which I did not want to do at all - and the sales lady kept saying if I came back next week I could get it on sale because they were having a big sale - but I cannot go back next week because of my surgery - so I had to just pay the $ 200.00.

At least I know she will really love it and it will get put to good use and not just sit in her closet. Plus Christmas is a time for giving.

On a side note - I saw this cutest Michael Kors bag there and it was on sale for $ 200.00 - I wish I could of bought it. Maybe it will still be there after Christmas - when they run all of the sales.

One week until my surgery and oh so much to do. I have something that needs to get done every single day up until the surgery.

Today I have to go to the dermatologist. I was there about a month ago and he gaves me a cream to start using on my face - every since I went off BCP my face has looked like I was 15 and then adding clomid to the mix did not help things - my face is so bad now and there is not much I can do - because I am trying to have a baby - I cannot take any oral medicaiton - just another joy of infertility to add to the list. So I will go there after work today but I do not think there is much he is going to say or tell me to do.

Then tomorrow night after work - I am meeting my friends from my old job for our Christmas dinner - I am really looking forward to it.

Wed. I have to do a dry run to the hospital where I am having my surgery - because I have never been there before and I have to go in for pre admission testing on Thursday. I also have to stop at my Godmother's house and pick up there gifts she has for my nieces.

Then on Thursday I have to go meet with my RE and then go to the hospital for the pre admission testing.

On Friday - I have to go mail out my brother's Christmas package and try to finish up my last minute Christmas shopping and the odds and ends that I need.

On Sat - I am hoping to go to Longwood Gardens - depending on the weather.

On Sunday I have to do major cleaning of my house - because it is the only time I am going to be able to do it before my Christmas dinner.

On Monday, John and I will go get our Christmas tree after work. Then the surgery is on Tuesday.

I actaully did have a very relaxing weekend. On Friday I went and bought some clothes that I can wear after sugery that look half way decent but will also be comfortable on my incision and I just hung out the rest of the weekend - it was nice not to have to do anything.

I was driving home last night and the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that read "Expect Miracles" so that is just what I am going to do - I am going to expect that my miracle is coming and I am never going to give up hope that one day I will have a child. I will have hope in my heart until I can have a child in my arms.

Because my brain is on overload. I am driving myself crazy - there is just so much that still needs to be done.

We are trying to have a sit down dinner for our Christmas party this year. But my table will not fit all 12 people who are attending so we are trying to figure out a way to get some additional tables and make them fit in my tiny dining room, then we have to go to BJ's and get all the paper products and then we still have to get the tree and I need to get a few outfits - one for Christmas day, one for the baby shower I need to go to and one for New Years - they have to be comforable because my incision might still be sore and healing.

Plus there is still a few odds and end that need to be done around the house, like touch up paint and a major scrubbing of everything.

Plus I am really going to have to rely on John to do all the things around the house that I normally do - such as the wash and dishes and dinners and just maintaining a clean house. I like things done my way so this is going to be a tough one for me.

Then there is getting all of the food for the party. Then attending all of the doctors appointments I have along with Christmas related functions.

I know I keep thinking this surgery is going to be worse than it probably is going to be - but I need to prepare just in case I cannot do all of these things that I want and need to do.

Then my mind also drifts toward TTC. I keep thinking maybe just maybe they will find something and it will fix our problem and then we will do our 7th IUI in Feb and get pregnant and have our baby or babies in November - so this time next year I could be a mom. Or will next year be like this year - alot of work and no reward. What if they find nothing. We that be good or bad for us.

I know everything will get done - but it just seems like so much right now. I am exhausted just thinking about all of it.

I had a great weekend. On Thanksgiving we went to John's parents house for dinner and it was so good - they had turkey and ham and cranberry sauce - which they never have - and pumpkin pie - so all the staples were there. It was very tasty. My one sister in law was a bit annoying - she kept repeating everything I said - like she was 5 years old - she is 24 and my MIL gave me this ratty old picture frame with all of these old pictures of John's family in it - she said I have too many pictures of my family in my house and not enough of John's family. I wanted to say to her so badly - that my family is gone - passed away - all of have left is pictures - your son gets to see you everyday - but I just held back and nodded.

On Friday - I cleaned my house and put all the Christmas decorations up inside the house. Wrapped all of my Christmas present - I am finally done.

Sat - I tried to put as many of the outside decorations out as I could by myself - which was not many - because John had to work - we decided to finish them on Sunday. We went to our friends house on Sat night and hung out and watch Fred Claus - cute movie.

Then it rained all day on Sunday - so we will have to do the decorations after work today - it should only take about an hour to finish.

Sunday night me and John decided to go see Four Christmases - it was okay - not really that funny - there was a few parts that were good.

Back to work today and I have been super super busy.

I got a call from the RE office today - they want me to come in to see the doctor for my pre-op appointment on Dec. 11th - I will meet with him and then go over to the hospital for pre admission testing - everything is already all set up - which is a weight off of my shoulders - they got all the referrals and subitted everything to the insurance company and sent everything over to the hospital arleady - they are really on the ball.

I cannot believe I am having surgery in two weeks. How did this get so far. I never thought our would IF would let to me having surgery.

This too shall pass - this too shall pass - soon enough I will be holding my child and this will all be a memory.

I hope I am at least pregnant by next Christmas - but I guess that is what I said last Christmas - so who knows.

I am getting myself so overwhelmed - I have a hard time just taking it one day at a time - but with so much going on - it is really what I need to do. For right now I am just going to think about Thanksgiving weekend.

I plan on waking up and watching the parade and then watching "It's A Wonderful Life".

When I was a child they use to play this movie right after the parade on Thanksgiving and I would watch it every year - but they have the dog show on now after the parade - so I bought the DVD of the movie and I watch it every year after the parade like I did when I was younger. It is my favorite movie.

Then John and I are going to try and tackle the leaves in the front yard and cut the grass in preparation for all the Christmas decorations we are going to put up this weekend. It usually takes me two day - one day for the outside and one day for the inside. So - Friday will be the cleaning of the house day - again - in preparation for the indoor decorations and then Sat I will put up all the decorations indoors and Sunday John and I will put them all up outdoors.

Tonight - I am going to Target to try and finish up my Christmas shopping.

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.

I am having some family problems - see I just found out the my husband's big family polyanna is on Dec. 20th - which is only four days after my surgery - so I decided not to go - it is too crowded there and I would have to get dressed up and I am sure I will not feel up to do that - plus it goes on and on we usually do not get home until about 2 am. John was fine with it. I told him he should go anyway - since it is his family and he always enjoys it.

But now I am starting to get some backlash. I knew this was going to happen. I told John's cousin that I was not going to the pollyanna and she does not understand why I am not going - even though I told her about the surgery. Then I told her we probably would not be going to her house for New Years (we usually go to their house for New Years)- see her husband and my husband always have to hang out on New Years - but they are having a party at their house and it is going to be a bunch of little kids there and I cannot deal. There is going to be two very pregnant women and about 6 or 7 children under the age of 5 - that would be pure touture for me. So I told her we would not be attending her party this year and she told me that I was breaking tradition. Thanks for making me feel guilty.

Then I told John's sister about not going to the pollyanna and she said that I better still let John go. Thanks for the threat. When I told John what day it was - he said he was not going and I said - oh no - you have to go because they will think I made you stay home with me. It is alreay going to be bad enough - knowing his family they will probably all think we are getting a divorce or something crazy like that - just because I did not show up - John will never tell them the real reason I am not there - it is too complicated.

This is a mess - why can't people understand that it is hard for me to be in these situations and just understand. I am trying - I am going to have Christmas dinner and I am going to the baby shower two days after Christmas - isn't that enough - 2 out of 4 events - I am trying here. I am also decorating and getting a tree and sending out Christmas cards and going to my inlaws for Thanksgiving - isn't that enough. Why do people, i.e. his family only focus on what I will not be attending - and I even have a good reason - hello - I will of just had surgery. Give me a break.

So now the plan is that John is going to go with his sister to the pollyanna - she is going to drive him there and bring him home. My cousin is going to stay with me that night so I am not alone - I guess we are just going to hang out and watch movies.

As for New Years - we were invited to another party - adults only - a ball type of thing - we may go to that instead.

I guess I cannot make everyone happy - I just have to accept that.

We had a wonderful time - it was alot different than last time because this time our box was full - last time it was just me and my cousin - but it was still such a fun night. We had VIP parking so we were so close to the building - which was good because it was so cold. She came on an hour and a half late but it was so worth it - it was the best concert of hers that I have ever been too - she looked great and her voice was even very good. I had a good time.

On Friday we had our first bit of snow where I live and apparently that makes people become crazy drivers. They were acting like it was a blizzard out there - we only got like an inch or two but of course the brunt of it was during rush hour - it took me 2 1/2 hours to get to work - I am not kidding - I could not believe it - people were driving like 2 miles an hour - it was all backed up. I did not even realize we were going to have snow. It was the longer time I was ever suck in traffic - in my whole life and I have driven to North Carolina three times and never have been in such bad traffic.

This weekend I got so much Christmas shopping done. I am almost finished - then I got some wrapping paper and wrapped all the presents I have so far and then last night I wrote out all my Christmas cards - all 40 of them. I am glad I got so much done - next weekend we will put up all the Christmas decorations. I always loved decorating for Christmas - my mom always made a big deal of it when I was a kid - always made it so special - we would listen to Christmas music and make a whole day out of it. John will help me with the outdoor ones. I bought alot of outdoor decorations at the end of the season last year - so I do not even know what I have. But I am excited to get all my new things up.

The Good:

I am going to the Madonna concert tonight!!!!! I am so excited - every time she does a tour - which is usually every two years - me and my cousin always go. We have box seats - once you go box seats you will never go back - they are so nice -you have your own tv and couch and a bar and the most important thing is that you have your own bathroom - so you do not have to wait in line forever and miss some of the concert - which has happened to me. I am one of those girls who goes to the bathroom alot when I am out. I have heard that her concert is pretty good this year. We have had the tickets for months - I cannot believe it is finally here - yay!

The Bad:

I got a call from the RE office yesterday. To be honest - I have been in denialville about the whole Lap Surgery. I have been pretending that it was not really going to happen. That by some miracle I was going to get pregnant this month and not have to worry about it. The break has been so nice - a full two months off - with no appointments or medicine or anything - it was lovely but now I have to come back into reality because they called yesterday to get all my paperwork set up and ready for the surgery. I have to call next week when I get my period and come in for a meeting to go over everything. I guess it is really happening - I guess I cannot pretend anymore - I did like living in denialville though. I am scared - I really do not want to do this and I wish all of this IF crap was over - how much more do I have to go through to get my baby. I know alot of women have been through way more than me but I am not as strong as them - I just want this part of my life to be over already.

I am - I got the invitation yesterday - it is one of DH's cousin which I truly care for and I am happy that she is pregnant - they are even one of the couples who said they wanted to start trying for a family and got pregnant right away - usually I am very jealous of those people - but not her.

I decided to go all out for her. I got her two things off of her registry - a bundle me and a bundle me hat - which looks so cute - I would not know because I brought it online - I can barely go into a target with all of the pregnant women and babies - there is no way I could go into a babies r us. It will cost me more in shipping but it is worth it to me. I honestly think if I was to step foot in a babies r us - I would breakdown.

Then I decided to get her the Happiest Baby on the Block DVD - they have a combo pack on Amazon.com and it is a miracle blanket and the dvd together - I have heard wonderful things about the mircale blanket too - so I decided to get the combo for her. I think she will be happy.

The only thing is that the shower is two days after Christmas - that is going to be hard to handle - but the good lord keeps giving me these challenges - so obviously he think I can handle it. I hope I can. Infertility and baby showers do not mix very well.

I have a women that I work with and her mother is dying - it is so sad - this women is about 44 and her mother is 76 - she lived a good life but it is still so sad to lose your mother at any age and I was thinking about the loss of my mother and how in some ways I was lucky it happened when I was so young because I did not have a clue. I did not even know that hospice was the last step and it meant that you were dying. My mom's friends had to sit me down to tell me she was not going to make it - because my mom kept telling me she was going to be okay and I believed her. I truley believe everything happens for a reason and I know alot of people hate that saying but in my life I have found it to be so true and even with my infertility I know there must be a reason this happening to me. It is hard when you are in the middle of a situation - but after it is over and you have a chance to look back upon it then you realize why it has happened.

If I did not have my husband I would not have anyone. John took off 4 days for my surgery and recovery - he has the time left and he put it on the board in plenty of time - but his boss just told him yesterday that he really needs him to work that week - John is going to have to tell him why he is taking off - he cannot go into work - I need him. It got me thinking - what if he did have to go into work - what would I do. I honestly do not have anyone else - having no family sucks big time. My brother is 500 miles away and that is the only family I have - I have no one to depend on - if John was not there to take care of me - I would have no one who I could call who would be willing to take off from work and miss a day of pay to take care of me. If you have your Mom and Dad, Aunt and Uncles, Grandparents, silblings, cousins, etc around you and they are alive and well be so very thankful. People take this for granted all of the time - I know I would too if they were in my life and I never had to think about it - but not having my mom around is the hardest - you do not realize how important all of these family members are until they are gone. This is why I am trying so hard to have children - family is so important.

Other note - I must of gotten some kind of stomach bug or something - my belly has been upset since Saturday and I do not know what is wrong. Any time I eat anything I get sick - I am not liking this - because I am hungry - I guess I will be getting soup for lunch.

So Tell Me what you think - I am just starting out but I love it.

So we gave out Halloween candy on Friday night - we had a good bit of children - I would say about 50 to 60 kids. But not a single one of them had any manners. No one said trick or treat - no one said thank you. I almost did not want to give them the candy - all they did was hold their bags open - they did not say anything to us.

It even goes one step further - I had the big bowl of candy in my lap and me and Dh were sitting on our porch - well I would hand the kids the candy - usually I would give two pieces and then I had not one - not two but three different children reach in my bowl and take candy out after I had already given them candy. One of the kids who did this was a 3 year old little girl - dressed in a princess costume no less. I could not believe it - she put her hand in the bowl and yelled - I liked m&m's - her mother was standing right there - I was so shocked I just looked at the mom and she did not say a single thing to me or the child - they just turned around and walked away -I could not believe it.

Then the parents were not any better - they would come up to the house with their children and not say nothing to me and my husband - no hello - no Happy Halloween - nothing - no wonder their children are so bad - look at the parents - they have no manners either - I am sitting here giving your child candy and you cannot even say hello to me or Happy Halloween or anything.

I was very disappointment and we went in about 8 pm because I had had enough.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Halloween.

Tonight we are going to give out candy with our neighbors - I brought tons of it yesterday so we are fully stocked - I just hope it all goes and there is not a bunch leftover for me to eat.

Tomorrow night I am going to a jewelry demonstration with some of my girlfriends - it should be fun - I never been to one before. I can get some pieces to wear for the holidays coming up.

Yayayaya - the Phillies won the World Series and it was such a good game. Finally - we finally won!!!

I seriously cannot take it anymore - see I work for two men - one is the president and one is the vice president of the company - and they are together as a couple as well. Well I love my boss the president - he is a great boss and I like what I do and I even think my co-workers are okay - I have been here for 5 years. But lately the vice-president - which I work under has been crossing the line and I do not know what to do about it - the first time he crossed the line - he started telling me about his love life and I went to the president of the company and told him that I wanted to keep everything professional in the office and that I was very uncomfortable with that kind of talk - and everything was fine for awhile - then vice-president has been acting really odd lately and this morning it came to a head - see only me and vice-president are here in the mornings - I get in at 8 am and most people do not come in until 9 am - so vice-president tell me he would like to speak to me in the conference room - so I am figuring it is something work related - nope. As soon as I get in there he begins to sob like a big baby - telling me how horrible his life is - blah, blah, blah - so I told him I was not comfortable and asked to go back to my desk and do my work - which I did - but now I am wondering if I should tell president about this incident. I doubt anything will happen to vice-president being that they are a couple - and it may just make me look bad - so I am in kind of a crossroad here of what I should do - but this behavior is very unprofessional and I am so tired of dealing with it.

A big thank you goes out to Meepit on Parade for honoring me with this . I feel so loved.

This award also comes with a meme.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk

2. Where is your significant other? Work

3. Your hair color? Brown

4. Your mother? missed

5. Your father? gone

6. Your favorite thing? Uggs

7. Your dream last night? Forgotten

8. Your dream/goal? Baby

9. The room you're in? Office

10. Your hobby? reading

11. Your fear? Alone

12. Where do you want to be in six years? mom

13. Where were you last night? home

14. What you're not? Fertile

15. One of your wish list items? coat

16. Where you grew up? PA

17. The last thing you did? Eat

18. What are you wearing? Sweater

19. Your T.V.? Off

20. Your Pet? Pumpkin

21. Your computer? On

22. Your mood? pissed

23. Missing someone? brother

24. Your car? Gray

25. Something you're not wearing? Hat

26. Favorite store? Target

27. Your Summer? Fun

28. Love someone? hubby

29. Your favorite color? Purple

30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday

31. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday

And now...the I heart your blog goes to......

Sorry I do not know how to do the links.

1. Inconceivable - http://itisinconceivable.blogspot.com/ - because she is going through the same thing I am going through and because both of our DH's had surgery the same week but her DH is having a hard recovery and she has a hard month.

2. A day in the life of Karen - http://www.adayinthelifeofkaren.blogspot.com/ - because her blog is so fun to read and she has great design tips.

3. Life in the not so fast lane - http://notthefastlane.blogspot.com/ - because she is my T-TTC sister and she is being induced today - she is going to be a mommy today - yay!!

4. Just trying to make a cub - http://justtryingtomakeacub.blogspot.com/ - because she finally made a cub and I am so happy for her.

5. Impatiently Hoping - http://impatientlyhoping.blogspot.com/ - because I met her at the Nestie GTG and she is also pregnant now.

All of these women are so wonderful and so strong and they have all helped me on my TTTC journey. I heart all of them!!!

On Friday - I started my Christmas shopping - I got both of my nieces done. Every week I will try to get a little more done. Then on Sat - I took my godmother to Olive Garden for her 76th birthday - she loved it. Then she wanted to go shopping - so we went to Target and she had me looking at everything - she ended up buying alot of things - I did not get anything. Once I dropped her off - I decided to go to Mandees to check out the winter coats they have on sale and I totally scored - I got a nice winter dress coat for $ 71.00 - it was originially $ 129.00 - I love it.
Then Sat night we went to our friends house to watch the Phillies game. My friend told me she had something for me - I got all excited - then she hands me a baby book - really??? I know that she meant well and she saw it and thought of me - but come on - I am not even pregnant yet - and who knows when I am going to be.

Then on Sunday John and I decide to go to the mall for a bit and walk around - big mistake - it must of been Halloween day or something because there were a ton of kids all dressed up in their costumes and they go to each store and get candy. It was too much for me and we left - but before we left - I saw the cutest family - they had three children - I would say they were probably about 6, 4, and 2 and they had theme costumes - one was the popcorn, one was the soda and the baby was the movie ticket - it was the cutest thing ever. Oh and I went into Rave and I looked around for a minute and said to John that I was too old for this store now - and he said - yeah you are too big for it too - I could not believe he said that -- he got the evil eye from me - not cool babe - not cool.

Infertility is hard - especially when it comes to all the decisions that you have to make - should I do treatments, should I have surgery, should I get a second opinion - the longer we are on this path the more decisions that have to be made. Then once the decision is made I question myself - was it the right decision - maybe I made the wrong decision. It goes around and around.

I hope that I am making the right decision with my treatment because I do not want to have any regrets if god forbid we were to come out of this whole TTTC process with no child. I want to be able to say that we did everything in our power to have a child and used all of our options.

I think the best thing I have done so far is get a second opinion - I like my new RE way better than my old RE.

Now the big decision that is weighing on me is the Lap Surgery - I decided to have it - even though every other test shows not a single problem with me - but some women on the nest said even if you show no problems - there still may be problems and the lap surgery is the best way to make sure 100% that everything is okay in there. But I am going to be pissed if I go through surgery adn recovery and they do not find anything but at the same time if I did not have the surgery I would always question what if there is really something wrong with me that they just have not found yet.

I do want to give us the best chance as we most likely head into IVF - because we only have one shot at it and I do not want to have any regrets. But I am scared - I am so scared to have surgery and I am pissed that I have to do this - I wish so much sometimes that I could just be normal - have sex with my husband and get pregnant - but that is a whole world I do not know and probably will never know. I just wish I knew what the future held for us - if it included a baby or babies.

I talked to my brother yesterday and before we hung up he told me he loves me - that is so nice to hear - especially coming from a 25 year old man - who does not say it very often.

I am happy I have a car that runs well - my old car was a 1983 Chevy and it ran horribly expecially started this time of year when it is cold in the morning and before that car I had to take the bus and wait out in the cold for it - so I am so happy I have a car.

I love fall - I was driving home yesterday and I was at a red light and it was a beautiful sunny day - not a cloud in the sky and then the wind blew and all of these beautiful leaves started coming down from the tress - it was magical - I am such a dork.

Every morning I go to get coffee from this local coffee shop and the coffee is the best in town - better than Starbucks and they know my name - they are always so warm and welcoming - it is a nice way to start the day.

My DH told me this weekend that he knows no matter what he does that I will always be there for him - I told him he better not do anything bad - but it is nice to know that he feels that way about me because the truth is I will be there for him no matter what.

I have a few strong feeling that Dh surgery is going to work and that it is going to improve his numbers and that we are going to get pregnant soon.

The shrine near Philadelphia is for St. Gianna Beretta Molla, who was canonized May 16, 2004.

St. Gianna was a married woman who also was a medical doctor.

A native of Magenta, Italy, she didn't charge those who were unable to pay for her services and even tucked money in the health cards of senior citizens, which they found after leaving her office.

St. Gianna had given birth to three children when, in 1961, she became pregnant with her fourth child.

Two months into her pregnancy, St. Gianna was diagnosed with a uterine tumor.
As a surgeon, she knew the only sure way of saving her life was to remove the uterus. This was out of the question, however, as it would end the life of her unborn child, even though it likely would save her own.

Instead, she opted to have only the tumor removed, allowing her pregnancy to continue.
A few days before her child was to be born, she told her husband: "If you must decide between me and the child, do not hesitate: Choose the child. I insist on it. Save the baby."

The next day, a 10-pound baby girl named Gianna Emanuela was born via Caesarean section. A few hours after giving birth, mother Gianna began to experience severe pains because of septic peritonitis. A week later, on April 28, 1962, she died at age 39.

St. Gianna's husband and four children are still alive and attended her canonization.
Her husband, Pietro Molla, said St. Gianna was no stick in the mud and was one who knew how to appreciate life.

"She truly knew how to enjoy to the fullest the enchantment of the mountains and their snows, trips to concerts, the theater and feasts," he said. "Gianna, you have showed me that you can accomplish to the fullest the will of God and become a saint without renouncing the fullness of the purest and best joys which life and creation offer us."

Some of St. Gianna's relics include three pairs of gloves she once wore.

Many people, have experienced healing by touching the gloves. Some women who have had trouble conceiving reported they became pregnant.

Answered prayers also have been attributed to St. Gianna, including a story of a woman who hadn't heard from her son in 16 years. After touching St. Gianna's gloves, she reported that her son called her from New Mexico within a few days.

St. Gianna's feast day is April 28. Her shrine can be seen at the Nativity of Our Lord Catholic Church in Warminster, Pa.

Me, My MIL and my SIL drove about an hour yesterday to see the shrine and pray before it and I was able to touch the gloves and hold them to my stomach.

She never called yesterday but she finally called this afternoon and I now have a date for the Lap Surgery. It is going to be Tues. December 16, 2008 - which gives me plenty of time to recover before Christmas. I hope it goes well. At least it is taken care of now. I think I will make an appointment with the RE prior to the surgery just to go over everything.

So I was a big girl yesterday and I called and set up my Lap Surgery - he was pretty booked - so they could only see me on November 18th - so I said okay. Then after I got off the phone I realized that the Madonna concert that I have tickets too and that I am so excited to go to is November 20th - there is no way I can go to a concert two days after surgery. So after asking for everyone's advice - including the girls on the nest - I decided that I do not want TTC to interfer with this - it runis so many aspect of my life and I want to go to this concert - I spent good money for the tickets and they are box seat and it is also my present to my cousin Ricky who I am taking with me. So I called the lady back today and left a message to try and change the surgery date - maybe they can do it a few days after the concert or maybe in the beginning of December - John said whatever I decide and whatever date I picked - that he will support me - even if we miss Thanksgiving or some Christmas things. I am still waiting for her to call me back - I hope I get good news and they can switch it and it will not interfer with the holidays - IF is such a pain in the ass.

John and I went to Linvilla on Sat - and boy was it crowded. We picked out pumpkins and I got a few Halloween decorations for the yard and we got some pies - it was such a great day, nice weather and time spent with my hubby. John said to me that he was surprised that I wanted to go to Linvilla - being that there is tons and tons of families there - with little kids and babies and pregnant women - everywhere. Just for that reason we did not go last year. But I am tired of not doing things because of our infertility - I am tired of seeing pregnant women and getting upset - so I figured I would give this a shot - go and see how I do - if it hurts as much. Well I am happy to report that I was okay - it was fun - I just focused on having a nice time with my hubby and did not pay too much attention to all the cute babies around me - oh course there was a few cute little ones that I had to look at - but I felt pretty normal - for once in the past two years I did not let infertility affect my good time.

This is a poem about infertility that my cousin sent to me.

I sit here and wonder Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display The mother in me?
Wonder in time How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn I ask God each day,
The only answer I get Is, “Not today”.
I ask only to know What my future might be,
To plan and prepare God, please tell me.
I just need to know How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display The mother in me?

John is super sweet - yesterday he just showed up at my office and took me out to lunch - we have been in this new office for 2 years now and he has never seen it - so it was nice to show him around and then have a nice lunch with him and then we walked around town a bit - I was totally surprised.

We are going to dinner tonight with friends- one of the best places to eat in our town has been closed down for two months for renovations - but it is now back open and we are going there tonight for dinner - I cannot wait - I already know what I am going to get.

We are going to go pick pumpkins tomorrow and get some mums for the front yard - it should be fun - I love fall.

My neighbor is also having a fall craft sale this weekend - I always love to go and pick up a few things - she always has such cute things.

That is all the plans I have for the weekend so far.

So we are on a break from TTC so there is nothing much to report there - it is CD 10 and we will be trying on our own this month. I will have the Lap Surgery next month - if I can ever get my butt in gear and make the call - I am being a baby about it because I am scared and nervous to have surgery. John is doing a bit better - still pretty sore but that is only because he has to work so hard. He will go back from a follow up appointment next Tues.

I am enjoying my break so far - no more bloating is my favorite part - I did back to back treatment cycles for the past three months and I felt like the bloating never went away - but now it is gone. I have been working out too - which I love - I am down 7 pounds - but I had already lose 5 pound in the past two months and this month 2 more pounds so far - I went from 142 - my heaviest to 135 I am going to try to get down to 130 before going back to treatment in Jan. At least now I can work out.

I am also able to have a glass of wine here and there with dinner and that has been nice. I am enjoying my friends and family and just taking it one day at a time. Yes, I still think about having a baby all of the time and I still am on the TTC Nest board everyday - but I am happier now and hopeful for our future family.

Johnny in the Pool

Yep that right. See what happen was I was looking at some photos on facebook of a wedding that we did not attend and I saw one of DH's cousin sitting at a table and I said to myself she is totally pregnant - we are so what close - so I e-mailed her just asking her how everything was and she e-mailed me back and said she was pregnant with her 3rd child and due in April. She is only a year older then me and on number 3. Now that makes two family memebers due in April - Christmas should be fun - anyway I am a bit sad because she knows all about our IF and she told me this summer that she wanted another baby but she was going to wait until the new year to start trying so that hopefully I would be pregnant by then and we could have our children grow up together - I know I am being silly - I cannot expect people to wait for me because I may never be pregnant - it just hurts a little - because I want to be them so badly - I want to make my own pregnancy announcement. It seems to be getting harder and harder for me to deal with pregnancy announcements.

Today also marked a very sad anniversary for me - My mother passed away 8 years ago today. I miss her so much - everyday - she was a wonderful mother and person.

Yay - I got a new layout and I love it - now if I could just figure out how to put a nice header on with a picture or something - if anyone know how to do this or what website to go to please leave me a comment - I do not have photoshop so I cannot do it myself.

John went back to work yesterday and it did not go so well. He was in alot of pain when he got home. He asked if I would buy him tighter underwear for better support - so I will go after work and get them in a smaller size and he is going to stop at the Urologist office on his lunch break and get a doctors note saying he has to be on light duty for the next two weeks. I guess he is going to have to break down and tell his boss he has surgery - I told him to be vague - the does not need to know all of the details - just that he cannot lift anything over 10 pounds. I hope it is not a problem and that John is not in as much pain today as he was yesterday.

Am I going to be one of the women who just does not have children no matter what she tries. IS it ever going to work - am I ever going to get pregnant and have a healthy child. I cannot even let myself think about life without children - but what if that is my fate - I was never one of those girls who dreamed about their dream guy or dream wedding - I honestly never even thought about it but from the time I was little I can remember wanting to be a mom. I remember putting a pillow under my shirt and pretending I was pregnant and I saved my rocking chair I had as a child in the hopes that one day my child would use it. I prepared all my life to be a mom - I remember noting things I would do with my children that my mom could not afford to do with me and my brother and now it may never happen. John would be such a good father - this is just not fair.

Also I am dreading the holidays - especially Christmas - I have all of these places to go and I am hosting Christmas dinner this year for DH's family and I just found out that I have a baby shower to go to on Dec 27th - how am I ever going to get through all of this without having a total breakdown. I feel like God keeps testing me over and over again.

I think it is going to be really hard to wait three months to find out if DH's surgery works - it is a long time to wait - but hey I guess we have wait two years - what is three more months.

I said that I wanted this break so that I can stop thinking about TTC and just get away from it all but how am I suppose to get away from it all when it is always running through my mind. I do not think I will rest or stop thinking about it until a child of my own is in my arms.

I got my period while waiting for John to come out of surgery yesterday. I did not even have to test this time. We are taking a three month break to see if John's surgery helped any and I will have the Lap surgery in the meantime - we will start treatments again in January - maybe a new year will mean a new baby - for the next three months I am going to try and get my body back into some kind of shape and just enjoy my marriage and try not to think to much about TTC - even though it is always in the back of my mind.

John's surgery went well. We had to be there at 6 am and got home about 2 pm yesterday. He is doing okay - a little sore but he is not in any pain thanks to the pain medicine. I hope this surgery will make a difference - we will just have to wait and see.

Here's hoping to a break cycle BFP - a girl can have hope.

I am very worried about John. I am so concerned about his surgery and I am afraid that something is going to go wrong - I know it is a minor surgery but it is still a surgery and there can still be complications. Plus the fact that I am going to be all alone to get him home - I am sure he will be fine but what if he is not - he is alot bigger than me. Plus it is going to hurt me to see him in so much pain. I wish we did not have to do this - why oh why can't we be like normal people and just have sex and get pregnant. Plus another thing I am worried about is that John refueses to tell his boss about the surgery. He has a very physical job and has to be on light duty for two weeks after the surgery - of coruse he does not want to tell his boss what kind of surgery he is having but I told him he could tell his boss that he is having hernia surgery because it is the same kind of recovery but he will not do it - I am worry he is going to work too hard and mess something up and end up back in the hospital. I am a worry wart.

I went to the melting pot for the first time last night and I have mixed reviews about it - I have been waiting to go there for such a long time and since it was restaurant week in Philadelphia we decided to go. Everything was at a set price - it was only $ 35 per person - which is way cheaper than it would normal would be.

The first course was the cheese fondue - we decided to get Chedder but there is tons you can choose from. It came with apples, a couple different types of bread and some vegatables. It was very very good - but I love Cheese.

The second course was a salad - again a good array of choices - I choose the house salad and it was very good.

The third course was the entree which I was not so crazy about - they give you a choice of broth that you would like your meat to cook in - we choose one with red wine - it smelled very good. But they bring the meat out and it is raw. I did not care for that - and you are suppose to put the raw meat in the fondue broth pot for 5 minutes and cook it yourself - but I was freaking out because I was thinking what if we did it wrong and got sick - it would of been better if the meat was brought to us already cooked and we just put it in the broth for a minute to give it flavor. So I did not care for that part at all.

The fourth course and the best one of all was the chocolate fondue - it was so so good - we choose the white chocolate and milk chocolate - yin and yang but again there is many to choose from. It came with pound cake, cheese cake, brownies, rice crispies, bananas and strawberries. It was devine. I really loved it.

Another thing was it was a very long night - each course took a long time and we were there for 3 1/2 hours - I did not get home until 12:30 - it was crazy.

So all in all it was pretty good - if I ever go back I would just do the Cheese fondue and the Chocolate fondue because they were the best.

John and I talked last night and we have made some decisions as far as TTC. If this cycle does not work we are taking a break - a long break. We have decided we will take a 3 month break from TTC. 1. To get my sanity back 2. Because I am very tired of back to back treatment cycles and 3. Because it takes at least three month to see any result from John's surgery. During our break I will have the lap surgery but that is it. Hopefully we will start treatment again in January - I am hoping that the doctor will let us do three more IUI with Clomid before moving on to IVF - but I heard you can only do 6 Clomid cycles - we have already done 5. I do not want to do injectable because we would have to pay for them OOP and I rather put the money toward IVF. If we are not allowed then we will just have one IUI cycle and then move to IVF in March or April - I guess - but I hope it will not come to that.

Thought of the day - if I get pregnant this cycle - we will be able to tell John's family at Thanksgiving.

I have no symptoms - I doubt that I will test either - I will just wait for AF to come and if she does not come then I will test - because my testing day is the day of John's surgery and if it is positive then I would want to celebrate with him and I would not be able to. Plus I am sure we will be too busy that day anyway.

1. I saw a billboard this weekend that said Congratulations you are having twins.

2. Me and DH were sitting on our porch last night and this mother walked pass our house with one year old twin boys - we had never seen them before.

3. I then went in and turned on HGTV and the title of the show that was on was "Making room for twins"

They have to be signs - right??? They have to be signs that this IUI worked and that I am pregnant with twins.

When I went into the RE office on Wed - I met with one of the other doctors in the practice because my doctor was not there - he was getting some background infromation and he says to us - I see you have been trying for..... pause.....YEARS!!! Yep that is right we have been TTC our first child for years.

When I went into the RE office on Thursday for my second IUI there was a women there in the back waiting room - she had just come out of the ultrasound room and she was hugging the nurse and crying - the nurse said is he graduating you - and she said yes - she was pregnant and graduating from the RE office - and all I could think was I wish I was her - and I wonder if I will ever be her - I wonder if I will ever leave the RE's office.

I was talking to my friend last night on the phone and getting her all caught up on our procedures and whatnot - then I told her my next step is the Lap Surgery and she said she would wait - and make it the last option and I told her it is my last option before spending
$ 10,000.00 to $ 12,000.00 for IVF - and after I said it - I kept thinking wow we are running out of options.

I had my second IUI this morning and it went way better than yesterday. I had my doctor back and he is so gentle he did not hurt me at all -I am not crampy or anything. They also did an ultrasound and it showed that all three of my eggs released - so my big mistake ended up being perfect timing - John's counts for the first IUI were 4 million that washed up to 19 million and today's counts were 3 million that washed up to 11 million - I guess that is good - I just hope it works. In a week I have to call the office and notify them that I may have to do a Lap Surgery next month if I do not get prengnant this month so they can at least pencil me into the calandar. Onto the 2ww.

I was there all morning. I was suppose to go in for bloodwork and ultrasound but I thought they said an IUI so when I got there is was all kinds of problems - I had a ultrasound and one egg was 33mm the other two were 25mm and 23mm.. But then I had to meet with a new doctor because I did not ovulate yet and so they did not want to do the IUI even though we already had Dh's sperm collected - so I meet with the doctor and he said we should just go ahead and do it since we already had DH's sperm but he wanted to then do more bloodwork and a trigger shot to make me ovulate and do another IUI tomorrow morning - so I had the IUI - with the new doctor and he hurt me so bad and now I am spotting because he was so rough and then got bloodwork and then I found out that it is not the normal trigger shot and that it is a big needle that had to go in my butt and they did not have any in the office so me and DH had to drive to the pharmacy around the corner and pay $ 65 for one and then I had to come back and have the nurse mix it up and give it to me - I have to go in there again tomorrow for IUI # 6 - Part 2 - I am having b2b IUI this cycle, but hopefully it will not take that long tomorrow.

I am so not the person that I want to be - I miss the old me - back when I was a teenager I was actually fun to be around. Then my mom died and I completely changed - it took me a long time to get back to normal and then infertility happened to me and I changed again - I am this bitter bitter person. When I got into target - every single time I go out of there in tears. Why can't I just shop. I see all the cute kids and families and all the cute little baby clothes and I just well up. I am so angry and upset and sad. Why can't I rise above this. There is tons of people out there that have it way worse than I do and they still manage to be happy - why can't I. I do not want to be this bitter person anymore - I am tired of being sad. I want to be happy and I can't. Maybe I need to talk to someone - because I just keep getting worse and worse.

I went to a get together in March with some of the local Nesties. It was so nice to spend time with people who undersand what I am going through - well now it is September and I am the last one left - they are all pregnant - and I am very happy for them and I know they all went through alot to get there but I am so sad for me. So very sad and depressed that this is never going to happen for me - and I am pissed - why is this happening to me - I have been through so much already - God has taken almost all of my family, including my mom, dad, aunts, uncles and even cousins - all I have left is my brother which is 500 miles away and my best friend and cousin Ricky - I keep saying okay - God has taken my family away then why can't he bless me with a family of my own. How much do I have to go through - do we have to do IVF and be completely broke.

I had my ultrasound today - it showed three good size eggs -27mm, 21mm, and 19mm - they also did bloodwork and they will call me this afternoon and let me know when IUI # 6 will be. I also plan on doing 2b2 IUI's this cycle so hopefully that will be it for us.

For a girl

Tea - it means Gift of God.

Like the actress Tea Leoni - she has been in the news alot lately with her husband and his sex addiction - so I have been hearing the name alot and I like it - alot.

Tea Regina - sounds good right - and an added bonus - it is short - I wanted a short first name because our last name is so long.

I liked it - I will watch it again - but it sure is not like the last one. First of all - all the girl characters were way way too skinny - I did not like that. I was glad to see some old faces, like Kelly, Brenda and Nat - but the peach pit is not the same. Brenda looked horrible - but I never liked her - I was glad when they got rid of her in the first one. The story line was good and I am already loving the Namoi character - she is the girl from Nip/Tuck. I think Ethan is cute but the rest of the guys are just okay. I wonder who Kelly had her son with - I hope they answer that soon. I loved that Erin Silver was on there and so was Hanna Zuckerman. But it made me feel old because they were just babies on the old show. In the upcoming previews it show Jackie too - Kelly and Erin's mom. I hope it gets better.

I am sure it is the Clomid - but I am just so very unhappy. I hate my job but I have to stay here because I need the benefits and time off for appointments. I hate my friends right now - they are all sick of hearing about our IF and always change the subject when I bring it up anymore - they are totally not supportive and have no clue what I am going through - I wish I could just talk to one person in my real life who understands what I am going through and will let me vent. I am so unhappy that I am still not pregnant - I cannot believe sometimes that this is really happening to me - it sucks all of the time. I cannot believe we both have to have surgeries now - I do not want to have to do all of this work and have no reward - all of these months - all of the work and I still do not have a baby. I just want to cry. This is not the way I wanted my life to be - I feel so stuck in limbo - can't do or plan anything - because I am waiting to get pregnant and guess what - it may never happen - I may never have a child of my own. I am so very bitter today - all the children are going back to school and you see the parents putting their kids on the bus - I want that to be me. I want to be called MOM.

Me - I use mine for surgeries - yep that is right - no I am not like a normal person who actually uses their vacation days for vacation - of course not - that would be way to easy. Instead I will be using my two weeks of vacation time for surgeries. I already took three days off for DH's surgery at the end of September and I will take 4 or 5 days off for my surgery in Oct. I am very bitter today - I just want to be done with this already. I am so tired of coming into work early and still having to leave late because I have doctors appointment that I must make up my time for - I am tired of the drugs and needles and doctors and running around and spending so much money on OPK's and HPT's. I am doing all of this work and getting nothing in return - it has been two years now - enough is enough. I feel like it is not getting any easier either - just harder and harder and with each month that past I get more depressed that maybe this is never going to happen.

I know I am very lucky to even have the vacation time to take and I know I am lucky that my bosses left me leave for my million different appointment and make up my time - I am not taking it for granted - I just wish I could catch a break.

I kept doubting myself regarding doing an IUI this cycle - since DH is having surgery at the end of the month - I kept going back and forth on whether we should even bother with a treatment cycle this month - well I talked to my RE and he thinks we should go ahead with the cycle and since it is 100% covered - what could it hurt. Plus that was the original plan all along - 3 IUI's with this new RE and then the Lap Surgery - so that is what I am going to do. I hope I am making the right decision - sometimes IF is so stressful - all of these big decisions - it is so hard to know for sure if they are right - I guess I should just listen to my RE and maybe just maybe it will work.

Today is CD 1 - I called the RE and he doctor is out today so they will call me back tomorrow with my plan - but it got me thinking maybe I have done too many IUI's already - I did three with my last RE and now so far two with my new RE. In our initial meeting with the new RE he said three IUI then Lap Surgery - so that was my plan but after our surgeries what do we do. There is really no need for some injectable IUI cycles because I have no known problems and injectables will probably give me too many follies and my cycle would be cancelled - so what do I do - more IUI's with Clomid - I just do not know. Maybe when they call tomorrow with my plan - I can ask the doctor - or maybe sit down with him next time I am in his office. He did say in our last meeting for John to have the surgery right away and then we will continue with IUI's - so maybe he will not want me to do an IUI this month and just wait until after the surgeries - I am truly not ready for IVF - I am not ready for the expense, I am not ready for the neddles everyday and the retrieval, I am not ready for the finality of it - if our first IVF cycle does not work then that is it for us - the end of our road and I am not ready for that. I am making my head spin.

John and I went to the Urologist this morning. We set up the appointment for September 25th for the varicoceles surgery. The doctor also want to put him on this special vitiamins - I just went and ordered them online and it was $ 210.00 - for a 90 day supply. I am so very nervous for him. I think our plan for right now is the do IUI # 6 in Sept- DH have the surgery at the end of Sept and then I will have the Lap Surgery in Oct. - I still have the call my RE and see what he has to say about it - but our original plan with him was to do three IUI's and then have the Lap Surgery - so I think that is what we are still going to do - we will see. I will call him if CD 1 ever starts - I am still waiting on AF. I cannot believe this has gotten this far - I thought we would of been pregnant by now. It is going to be a long couple of months.

I tested this morning - 14dpiui and it was negative - I cannot believe this - I am beyond upset - I was just so hopeful and so sure it was going to happen this time. The timing was perfect - I had three good sized eggs - DH sperm count was up from last time - it just does not make any sense. I will call today to set up an appointment to talk to the Urologist about DH having varicoloes surgery - I wish we did not have to do this. I have no clue what to do next - I think maybe I should take a break next month - and hopefully DH can have the surgery next month and maybe I should have a lap down just to be on the safe side - make sure there is really nothing wrong with me - I just do not know - this should of worked by now. My RE is saying he thinks that an IUI will work and we will not have to do IVF but I am thinking that DH sperm must be having trouble getting the egg and we are going to have to end up doing IVF after all of these IUI's and surgeries - life is not fair. So much for a great birthday gift - it is just another year without a child. I wanted to have my children young - like in my mid 20's - I started TTC when I was 24 - now I guess I will be lucky to have a child by the time I am 30 - this is so depressing - we keep fighting and hopeing and praying for a child and just keep getting let down month after month after month - I am so sad - I just want a baby - we would be great parents - I feel like we have already put two years into this with nothing in return - sometimes I feel like we are wasting our time.

I knew my battery in my car was dying but I was hoping it would not die until the weekend so John could fix it then - well that was not the case. I went out to get in my car this morning and it would not start - ughh - so I called John and he had his sister pick me up since she does not go into work until 10 am - I felt so bad though - it was super nice of her to do that for me - when she picked me up she handed me a coffee she had stopped and got me a coffee which was also super nice of her. I was a bit late to work but that is okay - but now John had to go home right after work with his BIL - change the battery, then have his BIL follow him to my work to drop off my car to me so I have a way to get home and then he will have his BIL drive him back to our house - nothing is ever easy.

My birthday is on Sunday the 24th - but all week long I have things going on. On Monday I went out to dinner with a bunch of girlfriends to celebrate and they got me a gift card to NY & Co. Then yesterday my best friend Ricky took me out to buy me a present - he got me the new coffee maker that is out - were you put the pods in and you can make coffee, tea, hot cocoa - it is really nice and then today when I came into work - I had all these cards and flowers - everyone on at work thought today was my birthday and I played along - I also got an elephant pin and a gift card to Olive Garden - mmmm - from my coworkers. Then tomorrow my friend that works in the town I work in is coming to take me out to lunch and then Friday we are going to dinner with some friends and then Sat my godmother is taking me out to lunch and Sunday DH is taking me out to dinner - I feel so loved!

I am still hopeful about this cycle but I do feel a bit a negativity creeping in - I am trying to keep it at bay - I will test in two days - and hopefully get the best birthday present of all!!!!

Here are some pictures of me and my hubby all dressed up before going to the Wedding.

I went to the OBGYN yesterday for my annual and I had to tell the nurse all of fertility process so she could update my files because it has been a year since my OBGYN referred me to the RE. I told her all about all of my procedures and switching RE, etc. and when I was finally finished she told me that I should be patient because I am young - I could not believe that she said that - that was very unprofessional of her. I am use to dealing with it from most people who do not know any better but she should know better.

When I went home I started watching TV and I was watching Runway Moms and there was this couple featured on there that had MFI and they went to the same RE office as me and then all of the sudden there is my RE talking on the TV - they went to my same RE as well - it was so funny seeing my RE on TV.

John has been told that he has a Varicocele on his left side and both the RE and the Uro are telling me to have the surgury - when we last spoke with RE he said to have the surgery right away and we can continue doing IUI's he said if the surgery improves his counts then we probably will not have to do IVF and will get pregnant with IUI's. I asked John to call and make an appointment to sit down with the Uro and discuss the surgery - but John told me last night that he want to wait until this cycle is over and to see if I am pregnant because if I am pregnant then he is not going to have the surgery. So I will respect his wishes.

I am still feeling really good about this cycle - I hope it is it for us. I will test on August 22nd!

"Accepting your present circumstances as they are is, no doubt, an act of grace."

Oh how true that is. I am not very graceful - but I am learning to accept that fact that I have no control over our IF.

Control is a big issue for me.

See when my mom passed away when I was 19 and it was just me and my 17 year old brother left by ourselves - control is what got me through those first few months. I went to a Psychologist and she said that I have major control issues - I have to control everything in my life, down to the sneakers being lined up properly in the closet because I can not control the fact that my mom passed away.

Here we are again - I have not control over IF and when or if I get pregnant and that has been really hard for me. I am really trying to be positive - that I am young and we do have some sperm - so there is a good chance that one day we will have a child but at what point - how far in treatments will we have to go to have our child.

I was suppose to have my IUI on Sunday but I used the OPK last night and this morning and it said I was ovulating so I called the RE first thing this morning and they told me to come right in for my IUI. DH's count was so much better this time - it went from 5 million to 10 million. Now onto the 2ww.

I think it is good luck that I had my IUI on 08/08/08. I am feeling very positive this time. This one is going to work - IUI # 5 is going to be our charm.