Is it my turn yet?

I think it is either the Clomid or I am getting sick - but I feel like crap - I had to drag myself out of bed this morning - I was so close to calling out.

I am on my 3rd my of 150 mg of Clomid - so far so good - my ovaries are a bit senstive and I have major bloat - but that is it. I keep trying to wear big shirts so people do not think I am pregnant - even though I am sure it is not that noitceable - I feel huge in my eyes - but the best thing with bloat is that even though you look bigger - there is no weight gain and it will go away once I am off the medicine.

I am laying low right now from all my friends - I just feel very on edge with this medicine and I do not want to say or do something that I will regret later - I do not want to burn any bridges. None of my friends have ever dealt with IF - and some of there comments sometimes really upset me - it is not worth it to me right now to have to deal with that right now. I have to stay positive and have positive people around me this cycle.

I have to add that I just had the best lunch - it was a chicken ceasar wrap and pasta salad and it was so so good.

So I have been reading through all of the books that my very kind T-TTC sister gave to me - so I wanted to get a few more - I decided that I was going to do online reservation - where they pull the books for you and you just go up to the register ask for them and pay for them - that way if I could not find something I did not have to ask anyone and they would not know what I am buying - even though I am pretty open with my infertility I do not want the whole world knowing - anyway - I get to the register the girl pulls my books - she looks at them and then she says - Ohhhhhh - gives me a sad face and as she is ringing me up she tells me that she has a great way for me to get pregnant - it works everytime - CAMPING - yup that is what she said - I wish I could go camping and get pregnant - if only it was that easy. I just told her thank you and I will try that and basically ran out of the book store. What I was trying to avoid had just happened.

Why - I wish people would just leave me alone. Yes, my marriage is not the best it has every been - but I love John and John loves me and that is all that matters - right now it is a hard time for us and me especially - and I take it out on John - he understands because he is going through it too and realizes that I need to vent to someone and he accepts it, listens to me, I get it out and we move on - but other people view us has having trouble - we are not have trouble we are just trying to work through our infertility - I keep getting people's opinions on how my marriage should be or what they think it should be. I DO NOT WANT YOUR OPINION ANYMORE - I DID NOT ASK FOR IT AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT.

In other news, I started my Clomid today - I have to take 3 pills today - I took one this morning and I am about to take my second one - so far so good.

I have my plan for this month too - I will take 150 mg of Clomid on cycle day 4, 5, and 6 and then 100 mg of Clomid on day 7 and 8 and go in for an ultrasound and bloodwork on day 11 - I am so nervous about taking this much Clomid - but hopefully it will work for us. IUI # 5 here we come!!!

It is 15dpiui - and still no sign of her - I took a pregnancy test on 12dpiui - BFN and then one again on 13dpiui - BFN - I am not pregnant - but where is AF - I think I know what is happening. I am getting myself all stressed out reading that book - worrying about the side effects of Clomid and our next cycle and the high does of Clomid and how it is going to effect me - I am worrying so much - it is keeping my period from coming - I have done this before - I remember one time I was so stressed out because I was getting laid off that I missed my period for a whole month. I have to destress but it is so hard.

My cat has something wrong with his eye - like something is in it - but I cannot see anything so now I am going to have to call the vet and take him in - I am sure it is going to cost me a pretty penny too.

We brought a new closet door and John went to put it up last night and of course it does not fit - no - we did not measure wrong - it is our stupid old house and the settling - it fits on one end but not the other and will not close - so now John has to take it off and sand it down.

Then in the mail yesterday we get a letter for a court appearance for an unpaid parking ticket - apparently his parents got a parking ticket outside of their home with John's truck and did not pay it or threw it out or something - so now John has to go to court - and pay over $ 70 in fees now - for a $ 10 parking ticket.

Why is nothing easy - why?

I am getting myself all worked up. I have been reading the book "A Few Good Eggs" it is a very infromative book and I should of read it in the beginning of this whole TTC process - but being that I am already two years into it - I know most of the stuff already. But they talk alot about the side effects of all the different fertility medication and how they may effect our bodies and health later in life and it really got me thinking - what the hell am I doing to my body - it is not normal to produce multiple eggs and even it it does produce a child - will I even be around to see him/her graduate or get married or see grandchildren - what if I am really messing up my body.

In some way I already am - ever since I started fertility treatment I begin to spot a few day before my period which I never did before - and I use to be one of those girls who never had a cramp in her life and now I feel everything throughout my cycle.

I am still waiting on AF - I am hoping she is here by tomorrow because I really feel like crap - my back is killing me and I have such bad cramps and my boobs are so sore. I just want to get moving on the next cycle already.

I tested this morning and it was negative - why am I even surprised - I guess it is onto cycle 24.

I called the RE yesterday and the nurse called me back and said it is fine that I am not on the progestrone and at 10 dpiui it is a little too late anyway - which is what I figured. She said in a few days when I test if I get a positive then I will come in for a beta and they will see then if I need progestrone. I will test tomorrow at 12dpiui - I hope this is it for us.

I always had a ultrasound and bloodwork one week after my IUI and always took progestrone from the day of the IUI until the day of the beta - but with this new office there was no ultrasound or bloodwork one week after IUI and I was never told to take progestrone nor was a given a scrpit for it - now I am 10 dpiui and wondering if I should be taking progestrone - yes I know I am very late on this - I wonder if it makes a differance or if it is a problem that I have no been taking it - I am calling them in a few minutes to see what they say. I have some left over from my last IUI that I could start taking - but I wonder if it is already too late for that.

The cramping has gone away completely, and so had the tender boobs. Now I am feeling like I am not pregnant. I hate the two week wait - it drives me nutso. I hate this infertility rollercoster ride. I was getting so excited and now I feel nothing - I am sure my period is on it way - I will test Sunday - 12 dpiui if it does not come by then.

Today I am feeling very lucky to have DH. Even though he drives me nuts sometimes - he is a really good husband - he has been so supportive with our IF and went to ever single appointment - he wants to have a family so badly and I just love him so much.

I am also feeling very hopful today - I am thinking this might be our cycle - I could be wrong - I have been wrong before - but it just feels right - I am still having alot of mild cramping and I am so tired - my boobs feel heavy - it may be in my head but I really hope it is not.

I am so very very crampy right now - it is not even funny - I am so crampy I can barely sit here at my desk. I have been very tired and have been in bed by 9 pm - which is not like me and I have headaches and bloating - and also - sorry if TMI - I have had alot of CM - so I am hoping that this is not all in my head and maybe they are signs that I am pregnant. I know most of the symptoms are in my head but these cramps are not - they are hurting me so badly and are low in my stomach - but I am sure that could be a number of things - it is probably just gas - LOL.

Of course my head is spinning with tons of thoughts and I came up with a really good one last night. Me and John are going to find out the sex of the baby - but we are not going to tell anyone until the baby shower - we are going to register for all gender neutral things and then tell everyone whether it is a boy or a girl at the shower - it sounds like a good idea now - we will see what happens - I just love getting ahead of myself - don't I - maybe I should wait until I am pregnant to think about theses kinds of things but I cannot help it.

My mom passed away from lung cancer when I was 19 years old. It was really hard in the beginning for me but over time the pain has eased up a bit. There is still so many times when I miss her - during the hoildays of course and on Mother's Day. The day of my wedding was especially hard - and now with our infertility - I just wish she was here - I want to talk to her and I want her to tell me everything is going to be okay. I have been thinking about her so much lately. I always wonder what she would say to me now if I got to see her again - I wonder if she would be proud of me and would feel that I have made the right decisions in life so far. I wonder what advice she would have for me regarding our infertility. There is nothing like a mother's unconditional love and I miss it everyday.

I had a great weekend - it was all about pampering myself. I have been down the the dumps for far to long and needed a good weekend to enjoy myself. On Friday night after work I decided that I was going to buy myself a new bag. I have been wanted a nice summer pocketbook for some time now and I decided I was going to get the Dooney & Bourke that I have been eyeing. So I bought it and I love it so much. Then me and my cousin went out shopping together and I was able to find a great pair of shoes to go with my dress that I have for a wedding that we are going to in August. Then Sat I went and got my hair colored and then went on a picnic with my friend in the same park that I had my wedding pictures taken - it was such a nice day and we had great food and great conversation and just laid in the sun - I even got some color. Then we decided to go get pedicures - I have not had a pedicure since my wedding two years ago - it was such a nice treat. Then Sunday DH took me out to breakfast and made me dinner - BBQ pork chops and they were nice and burnt just the way I love them and they were so good. I really enjoyed my weekend - I am just bummed that it is Monday already.

After 23 months of failed cycles - I just cannot help but to be negative - it is how I cope - I know all about the power of positve thinking - but month after month of BFN's can be pretty depressing, plus given the fact that this is the lowest count we have ever had - I just do not have much hope. But hope is always in the back of my mind. I even looked up what our due date would be if were did get pregnant with this IUI - March 31, 2009. I think it would be great for John's ego if we were to get pregnant this cycle being that it only took 5 million to get the job done - I think he will feel really good. He has been so depressed this week - oh how hard this is on us. In the back of my mind I really hope and pray this works for us - a natural IUI cycle BFP would really left our spirits and to finaly be pregnant would be the best gift of all. But in order to cope and not be totally depressed for a month after the BFN - I have to think it is just not going to happen.

For my IUI yesterday - Dh's count was only 5 million - that is the lowest it has ever been - the doctor said it was a good sample because his motility was up to 44% but me and DH were so upset - the doctor said the heat has alot to do with it - DH is outside all day everyday in the heat. I do not have high hopes for this cycle working. I am so depressed - I just want this chapter of my life to be over - 2 years later and we still are not pregnant - I feel like it is never going to happen for us.

So I test on the OPK again this morning and got another smiley face. So I called this morning and made an appointment today - My 4th IUI is going to be at 2:45 pm today - it is a bit overwhleming - it just seems like everything is happening so quickly - but according to two different OPK's I am ovulating - so it is worth a shot - the new RE did say that Dh's sperm is lower in the summer months - due to him being in the heat all day everyday - but there is nothing we can do about that because that is his profession. I am just hoping for good numbers today - you never know it may just work. Plus another good thing is that I do not have to go in for a beta unless I get a positive HTP. Which is a good thing for me - it means less time missed from work - I think I am really going to like this new place.

I went out and got CBE digital OPK's from CVS - it cost $ 40 - I went home and took one and the smile face came up which means I am ovulating - so I will call first thing tomorow morning and try and set up my IUI for tomorrow afternoon - that was easy than I thought it would be - now how to tell my bosses that I am going to miss another afternoon of work - is going to be the difficult part.

I like him - to my surprise he is having us do a natural IUI cycle this month - meaning no drugs - because I have a good size follie on my left side - he wants me to the ovulation test everyday and when I get a positive I am to make an appointment for that day and come in and do an IUI - they gave John a cup already so he will have to do his thing at work and bring it with him. If this cycle does not work he wants to do two more cycle with Clomid but instead of 50 mg he wants to put me on 100 mg to 150 mg to produce more eggs - like 5 or 6 eggs and he wants to do back to back IUI's - he said if they do not work then we move on to IVF. So that is the plan - oh and he also wants John to see a urologist the specializes in male factor infertility - John has an appointment on August 1st.

It is my first appointment with the new RE - I am so excited and nervous - this is a very fancy doctor on the Main Line - where are the rich people live and work and I kinda feel like I do not belong there - but I know I will get the best care possible. I am so nervous - I just want it to be good news for once - I hope he does not want to do all the testing all over again - I am bringing all of my records with me - I am also nervous about the drive - I have to drive there by myself - DH is meeting me there - I am not good with directions and I get lost very easily. I hope this new RE is nice and answers all of my questions and has a good plan for us - if he say IUI then I want to do one in August but if he says IVF then that will not happen until Oct or Nov. Our appointment is for 2 pm today - Wish me luck.

I have been noticing lately that some things that were really popular when I was a preteen and teenager are now coming back around. Such as New Kids on the Block - they were so popular when I was about 12 - I was so in love with Joey - I knew all of their songs. Then there is a new 90210 coming out this fall and when I was a teenager that was my favorite show - I watched it every single week. John said now that these things are coming back around it means I am getting old. I would have to disagree with that.