Is it my turn yet?

Am I going to be one of the women who just does not have children no matter what she tries. IS it ever going to work - am I ever going to get pregnant and have a healthy child. I cannot even let myself think about life without children - but what if that is my fate - I was never one of those girls who dreamed about their dream guy or dream wedding - I honestly never even thought about it but from the time I was little I can remember wanting to be a mom. I remember putting a pillow under my shirt and pretending I was pregnant and I saved my rocking chair I had as a child in the hopes that one day my child would use it. I prepared all my life to be a mom - I remember noting things I would do with my children that my mom could not afford to do with me and my brother and now it may never happen. John would be such a good father - this is just not fair.

Also I am dreading the holidays - especially Christmas - I have all of these places to go and I am hosting Christmas dinner this year for DH's family and I just found out that I have a baby shower to go to on Dec 27th - how am I ever going to get through all of this without having a total breakdown. I feel like God keeps testing me over and over again.

I think it is going to be really hard to wait three months to find out if DH's surgery works - it is a long time to wait - but hey I guess we have wait two years - what is three more months.

I said that I wanted this break so that I can stop thinking about TTC and just get away from it all but how am I suppose to get away from it all when it is always running through my mind. I do not think I will rest or stop thinking about it until a child of my own is in my arms.

I got my period while waiting for John to come out of surgery yesterday. I did not even have to test this time. We are taking a three month break to see if John's surgery helped any and I will have the Lap surgery in the meantime - we will start treatments again in January - maybe a new year will mean a new baby - for the next three months I am going to try and get my body back into some kind of shape and just enjoy my marriage and try not to think to much about TTC - even though it is always in the back of my mind.

John's surgery went well. We had to be there at 6 am and got home about 2 pm yesterday. He is doing okay - a little sore but he is not in any pain thanks to the pain medicine. I hope this surgery will make a difference - we will just have to wait and see.

Here's hoping to a break cycle BFP - a girl can have hope.

I am very worried about John. I am so concerned about his surgery and I am afraid that something is going to go wrong - I know it is a minor surgery but it is still a surgery and there can still be complications. Plus the fact that I am going to be all alone to get him home - I am sure he will be fine but what if he is not - he is alot bigger than me. Plus it is going to hurt me to see him in so much pain. I wish we did not have to do this - why oh why can't we be like normal people and just have sex and get pregnant. Plus another thing I am worried about is that John refueses to tell his boss about the surgery. He has a very physical job and has to be on light duty for two weeks after the surgery - of coruse he does not want to tell his boss what kind of surgery he is having but I told him he could tell his boss that he is having hernia surgery because it is the same kind of recovery but he will not do it - I am worry he is going to work too hard and mess something up and end up back in the hospital. I am a worry wart.

I went to the melting pot for the first time last night and I have mixed reviews about it - I have been waiting to go there for such a long time and since it was restaurant week in Philadelphia we decided to go. Everything was at a set price - it was only $ 35 per person - which is way cheaper than it would normal would be.

The first course was the cheese fondue - we decided to get Chedder but there is tons you can choose from. It came with apples, a couple different types of bread and some vegatables. It was very very good - but I love Cheese.

The second course was a salad - again a good array of choices - I choose the house salad and it was very good.

The third course was the entree which I was not so crazy about - they give you a choice of broth that you would like your meat to cook in - we choose one with red wine - it smelled very good. But they bring the meat out and it is raw. I did not care for that - and you are suppose to put the raw meat in the fondue broth pot for 5 minutes and cook it yourself - but I was freaking out because I was thinking what if we did it wrong and got sick - it would of been better if the meat was brought to us already cooked and we just put it in the broth for a minute to give it flavor. So I did not care for that part at all.

The fourth course and the best one of all was the chocolate fondue - it was so so good - we choose the white chocolate and milk chocolate - yin and yang but again there is many to choose from. It came with pound cake, cheese cake, brownies, rice crispies, bananas and strawberries. It was devine. I really loved it.

Another thing was it was a very long night - each course took a long time and we were there for 3 1/2 hours - I did not get home until 12:30 - it was crazy.

So all in all it was pretty good - if I ever go back I would just do the Cheese fondue and the Chocolate fondue because they were the best.

John and I talked last night and we have made some decisions as far as TTC. If this cycle does not work we are taking a break - a long break. We have decided we will take a 3 month break from TTC. 1. To get my sanity back 2. Because I am very tired of back to back treatment cycles and 3. Because it takes at least three month to see any result from John's surgery. During our break I will have the lap surgery but that is it. Hopefully we will start treatment again in January - I am hoping that the doctor will let us do three more IUI with Clomid before moving on to IVF - but I heard you can only do 6 Clomid cycles - we have already done 5. I do not want to do injectable because we would have to pay for them OOP and I rather put the money toward IVF. If we are not allowed then we will just have one IUI cycle and then move to IVF in March or April - I guess - but I hope it will not come to that.

Thought of the day - if I get pregnant this cycle - we will be able to tell John's family at Thanksgiving.

I have no symptoms - I doubt that I will test either - I will just wait for AF to come and if she does not come then I will test - because my testing day is the day of John's surgery and if it is positive then I would want to celebrate with him and I would not be able to. Plus I am sure we will be too busy that day anyway.

1. I saw a billboard this weekend that said Congratulations you are having twins.

2. Me and DH were sitting on our porch last night and this mother walked pass our house with one year old twin boys - we had never seen them before.

3. I then went in and turned on HGTV and the title of the show that was on was "Making room for twins"

They have to be signs - right??? They have to be signs that this IUI worked and that I am pregnant with twins.

When I went into the RE office on Wed - I met with one of the other doctors in the practice because my doctor was not there - he was getting some background infromation and he says to us - I see you have been trying for..... pause.....YEARS!!! Yep that is right we have been TTC our first child for years.

When I went into the RE office on Thursday for my second IUI there was a women there in the back waiting room - she had just come out of the ultrasound room and she was hugging the nurse and crying - the nurse said is he graduating you - and she said yes - she was pregnant and graduating from the RE office - and all I could think was I wish I was her - and I wonder if I will ever be her - I wonder if I will ever leave the RE's office.

I was talking to my friend last night on the phone and getting her all caught up on our procedures and whatnot - then I told her my next step is the Lap Surgery and she said she would wait - and make it the last option and I told her it is my last option before spending
$ 10,000.00 to $ 12,000.00 for IVF - and after I said it - I kept thinking wow we are running out of options.

I had my second IUI this morning and it went way better than yesterday. I had my doctor back and he is so gentle he did not hurt me at all -I am not crampy or anything. They also did an ultrasound and it showed that all three of my eggs released - so my big mistake ended up being perfect timing - John's counts for the first IUI were 4 million that washed up to 19 million and today's counts were 3 million that washed up to 11 million - I guess that is good - I just hope it works. In a week I have to call the office and notify them that I may have to do a Lap Surgery next month if I do not get prengnant this month so they can at least pencil me into the calandar. Onto the 2ww.

I was there all morning. I was suppose to go in for bloodwork and ultrasound but I thought they said an IUI so when I got there is was all kinds of problems - I had a ultrasound and one egg was 33mm the other two were 25mm and 23mm.. But then I had to meet with a new doctor because I did not ovulate yet and so they did not want to do the IUI even though we already had Dh's sperm collected - so I meet with the doctor and he said we should just go ahead and do it since we already had DH's sperm but he wanted to then do more bloodwork and a trigger shot to make me ovulate and do another IUI tomorrow morning - so I had the IUI - with the new doctor and he hurt me so bad and now I am spotting because he was so rough and then got bloodwork and then I found out that it is not the normal trigger shot and that it is a big needle that had to go in my butt and they did not have any in the office so me and DH had to drive to the pharmacy around the corner and pay $ 65 for one and then I had to come back and have the nurse mix it up and give it to me - I have to go in there again tomorrow for IUI # 6 - Part 2 - I am having b2b IUI this cycle, but hopefully it will not take that long tomorrow.

I am so not the person that I want to be - I miss the old me - back when I was a teenager I was actually fun to be around. Then my mom died and I completely changed - it took me a long time to get back to normal and then infertility happened to me and I changed again - I am this bitter bitter person. When I got into target - every single time I go out of there in tears. Why can't I just shop. I see all the cute kids and families and all the cute little baby clothes and I just well up. I am so angry and upset and sad. Why can't I rise above this. There is tons of people out there that have it way worse than I do and they still manage to be happy - why can't I. I do not want to be this bitter person anymore - I am tired of being sad. I want to be happy and I can't. Maybe I need to talk to someone - because I just keep getting worse and worse.

I went to a get together in March with some of the local Nesties. It was so nice to spend time with people who undersand what I am going through - well now it is September and I am the last one left - they are all pregnant - and I am very happy for them and I know they all went through alot to get there but I am so sad for me. So very sad and depressed that this is never going to happen for me - and I am pissed - why is this happening to me - I have been through so much already - God has taken almost all of my family, including my mom, dad, aunts, uncles and even cousins - all I have left is my brother which is 500 miles away and my best friend and cousin Ricky - I keep saying okay - God has taken my family away then why can't he bless me with a family of my own. How much do I have to go through - do we have to do IVF and be completely broke.

I had my ultrasound today - it showed three good size eggs -27mm, 21mm, and 19mm - they also did bloodwork and they will call me this afternoon and let me know when IUI # 6 will be. I also plan on doing 2b2 IUI's this cycle so hopefully that will be it for us.

For a girl

Tea - it means Gift of God.

Like the actress Tea Leoni - she has been in the news alot lately with her husband and his sex addiction - so I have been hearing the name alot and I like it - alot.

Tea Regina - sounds good right - and an added bonus - it is short - I wanted a short first name because our last name is so long.

I liked it - I will watch it again - but it sure is not like the last one. First of all - all the girl characters were way way too skinny - I did not like that. I was glad to see some old faces, like Kelly, Brenda and Nat - but the peach pit is not the same. Brenda looked horrible - but I never liked her - I was glad when they got rid of her in the first one. The story line was good and I am already loving the Namoi character - she is the girl from Nip/Tuck. I think Ethan is cute but the rest of the guys are just okay. I wonder who Kelly had her son with - I hope they answer that soon. I loved that Erin Silver was on there and so was Hanna Zuckerman. But it made me feel old because they were just babies on the old show. In the upcoming previews it show Jackie too - Kelly and Erin's mom. I hope it gets better.

I am sure it is the Clomid - but I am just so very unhappy. I hate my job but I have to stay here because I need the benefits and time off for appointments. I hate my friends right now - they are all sick of hearing about our IF and always change the subject when I bring it up anymore - they are totally not supportive and have no clue what I am going through - I wish I could just talk to one person in my real life who understands what I am going through and will let me vent. I am so unhappy that I am still not pregnant - I cannot believe sometimes that this is really happening to me - it sucks all of the time. I cannot believe we both have to have surgeries now - I do not want to have to do all of this work and have no reward - all of these months - all of the work and I still do not have a baby. I just want to cry. This is not the way I wanted my life to be - I feel so stuck in limbo - can't do or plan anything - because I am waiting to get pregnant and guess what - it may never happen - I may never have a child of my own. I am so very bitter today - all the children are going back to school and you see the parents putting their kids on the bus - I want that to be me. I want to be called MOM.