Is it my turn yet?

My friend just told me that there is a position opening up in her office - she works in a great office with great people - she really helps people too in her position - all I do now is push papers and make the rich even richer. I could be doing some good.

But on the other hand it may not be as much money as I am making now - and I would have to pay toward my health benefits - which I do not have to do now - which would mean less pay. I honestly cannot take a pay cut right now - especially since we are trying to save for IVF.

At the same time - I hate the people I work with - I work in a nuthouse and it would be good to get out of here - but I am scared. I have only had two jobs in my entire life and only been on four interviews in my life.

But what can it hurt just to send the application and resume in - they may not even call me for an interview - right??

I do not know what to do - please give me your opinions.

P.S. Still do not have my car - it is suppose to be ready today - but at least they gave me a rent a car yesterday so I did not have to get a ride from someone to work. I hope it is done today.

So my car is still not done - we went in on Friday and they said the part arrived late and the car was not finished yet they could not gives us a rent a car because they did not have any available. Then we called our insurance company - thinking maybe they could help us out with a rent a car - nope - only if you are in an accident - so I had to go the whole weekend without a car which really sucks. Then I had to get yet another ride to work - thank goodness for John's family - I do not know what I would do without them. It is suppose to be done today - still have not gotten a call yet - it better be done today.

I have any e-mail that will make all of us infertiles laugh - it is from my SIL - I know she means well - but come on.

"So this girl at work was telling me about a greek saint. Apparently you can order apples that are from her Matisory, and they are supposed to help you become pregnant and have a healthy baby. The Girl told me that her aunt was in the same position as you and 4 months after eating the Apple she became pregnant and went on to have 3 more kids. I am ordering these Apples for you....you never know"

Ladies - all it takes is eating an apple - can you believe it. Ughh - the things people say - I could write a book about it.

My poor Jessica - that is my car's name - she is so sick. About 3 weeks ago she started leaking steering fluid - I thought nothing of it - thinking it was just a pin hole and we put some fluid in there and it was fine - but then about a week later it started leaking again - we put more fluid and made an appointment to take it to the mechanic - it had to be inspected anyway. It turns out the mechanic told us to take it to the dealership because he thought it was not just a steering pump that had to be replaced but the whole steering rack has to be replaced. Well we took it to the dealership yesterday and they called and said they need to keep it for a few days because not only does the steering rack need to be replaced but so does the steering column. WTF? The car is only 5 years old. Plus it was not even making any sounds or anything - the only problem was the leaking. The one good thing that comes out of this is that it is covered under warranty - thank goodness because it would of been over $ 2,000 to fix. I hope to get it back tomorrow - I hate being without a car.

I cleaned my closet over the weekend. Packed up the winter clothes and busted out the spring and summer clothes - why I did this - I do not know - being that it still feel like winter around here - I am starting to wonder if it is ever going to get warm. So I tried on my summer shorts and things to see if they fit - these past two or three years - nothing fit - everything was too tight - because of the weight I was gaining and I would have to go out and buy new clothes. But this year was a different story - everything fit and some of the things were actually big on me - YAY. That was a good feeling. I am not really losing weight but I must be losing inches from working out. At least now I know it is starting to pay off. I just wish the scale will start to go down - I have really cut back on my eating and snacking and I wish it would start to show on the scale. I also started tanning - I have two weddings this summer and I want to look good for them - I keep saying if I am not going to be pregnant then I at least want to look my best.

My brother, his wife and my two adorable nieces will be here in two weeks - I cannot believe it - I am so excited. I have so much to do to get ready. For one there is the whole sleeping issue - they are going to take our room - because our guest room only has a full bed and they will not all fit in there comfortably. But I have to borrow a pack and play from someone (I have no clue who) for Sadee to sleep in and I wanted to get one of those blow up kids sleeping bags for Emma - but everywhere I look they seem to be sold out of them.

Since I am a total type A person - I have everything planned out for their trip - we are going to go to the zoo and then I am going to have a big family BBQ so everyone can see them and then we are going to have an Easter egg hunt for the girls on Easter sunday and my cousin Ricky will be making dinner for us that night.

I have to get my food store list in order - it is going to be a big order - I am going to try and only have to make one big trip - 3 meals a day for 6 people is going to be alot. I have to figure what I will make for each one. I still have not decided that yet. I just hope the weather works for us and it is nice - so we can go outside and do all the things we want to do. This is going to be the first time Sadee has ever been up here - it is going to be crazy having two babies in my house - I told John it will give us practice - LOL.

I better baby proof too - my house is surely not baby proof.

In a way this is a good thing because it is keeping my mind off John and so I am not picking at him and fighting with him. I wish that things will just get better with us - but I guess it is just going to take time.

My brother is coming up here - because he gets leave time - because he is suppose to be leaving for Afghanistan in early May - I am in denial and trying not to think about it - he is the only family I have left and I do not want to think about him being in a war zone.

My sister in law sent a recent picture of my brother to me - since I have not seen him in almost a year and he is so skinny and tan - I guess it is from all the training and field work he is doing. I said to John that I better not stand next to him or I will look huge. I will of course post pictures once they leave.

Okay so I think I figured out what is going on with John and I. We are having such a hard time because it is hard to come back down to reality.

What I mean is our lives for the past 2 1/2 years have been so wrapped up in TTC - we do not know anything else - we cannot just be - like we were before IF. We are on this extended break for who knows how long - with IVF looming over our heads and we do not know how to go back to just being a married couple. Does that makes any sense at all??

I think there is also a bit of defeat. I think we both feel defeated. We have tried so hard for so long and we have nothing to show for it. I think we need time to adjust.

On other note, I am on of those people who watch The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I do not know why - but it is addicting. Anyway - spolier - the season finale was last night. She named her baby John. I told my hubby she named it after him - LOL.

Marriage is not an easy thing - add infertility to that and it makes it even harder then add the fact that we cannot afford IVF and we have to save for who knows how long and it makes it even harder.

John and I have been through alot - more than most couples. In our first year together we had to deal with both of my parents deaths and moving in together - but we made it through. But this blow of infertility has really knocked us down.

We are just not in a good place right now. I really feel like he is taking me for granted - and I am sorry if this offends anyone - but this is my blog and my feelings. I must admit - I have to do all the work regarding infertility and there is not a thing wrong with me - that is a hard pill to swallow. I have to take all the medication that makes me crazy and bloated and cranky and I have to do the procedures and take the shots in my stomach - and all John has to do is love a cup.

It is hard to deal with sometimes - and I know that it is not his fault and if the shoe was on the other foot he would do everything that needed to be done as I have - but sometimes I do not think he gets how really hard this is on my and how much I really want a family. He keeps saving if the first IVF does not work then we could live a child free life - but I do not want to live a child free life and I am only 27 and I cannot even think of that right now.

I know we will make it through this rough time - and the break is helping - but if you are praying people please keep us in your prayers.

I woke up this morning not feeling so great. Very tired and my stomach was really upset - so I decided to call in sick and take a day off. I am so bad - but hey I have the sick time - so I mind as well use it.

I updated my blog, my myspace page, my playlist, and my nest picture. I am taking down all of my St. Patrick's Day decorations and putting up the Easter ones.

Last night I stopped at Target and picked up some things for my nieces - I am making them each an Easter basket minus the candy - they are too young for candy so I got them toys and books and things like that. We are going to do an Easter egg hunt when they are up here - because they will be here over Easter weekend. They have such cute Easter things for babies - I loved it.

I am going to try and not watch A Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby - ever time I am home - I get sucked into those shows - and I end up crying and getting all upset.

It is raining here today - we need the rain - my car was so dirty - LOL.

We are not doing anything today to celebrate the holiday - since we celebrated this past weekend.

My bosses are back from their week long trip - it was so peaceful with them gone - I will miss that.

Trying to book two more trips for this summer - one for Wildwood in July and one for Punta Cana in August. They both seem really expensive and I do not know if they are going to happen - but I would really love them too.

My brother is coming home for a visit for Easter - I am so excited to see my family.

Nothing new on the savings front - I probably will not be able to save the next month or so because we have alot of expenses coming up.

I miss the nest boards. I may go back - just to post comments where I can help - since I am a vertern IUIer. LOL.

As most of you probably know or guessed - my husband is 100% Irish - hard to tell with the red hair - right - LOL.

His parents are from Ireland - his sister lives in Ireland - his whole family is from there - they all have the accents and they are hard to understand.

So St. Patrick's Day is a big thing for him and his family and now I guess for me as well.

So this weekend is full of Irish fun.

Tonight we are going to the Irish Center to watch the Irish dancers - two of his cousins have flown out from Ireland to participate in this.

Tomorrow is the big St. Patrick's Day celebration - Our friends own a bar and every year they have a big party to celebrate St. Patrick's Day - so there will be alot of Irish music and alot of green beer - fun times - I better bust out my green shirt so I will look the part.

I think you really find out who your real friends are when you tell them you have infertility. My best friend Ricky is really the only one that has been supportive non-stop thru this whole process. My sister in law said she did not even want me to talk about my infertility with her because it made her feel uncomfortable. When I am on treatment cycles not a single one of my friends ask how it is going or how I am feeling. Then I get the "relax" or you can borrow my husband - I really hate the husband comment - I want a child with my husband - thank you. It just makes me really sad to know that most of the support and encouragement I get is from strangers on the nest - women who have never met me in real life and be so kind and compassionate. It amazing me. I know people are tried of me and my infertility - but I am still going thru it - I am still dealing with it - I am sorry if that bothers you. I am learned not to talk about my infertility with my friends - because in all honesty - they really do not care.

Another note, I asked my friend if she would drive me to the hair salon on Sat. I have a hair appointment to get bangs - I have not had bangs since junior high - but I want to try something different - anyway - she lives about a 5 minute drive from me and the hair salon is in the middle of our houses - the reason I need a ride is because my husband has to take my car to get inspected - anyway - she said no - because she has to paint. I really need to get some real friends. I guess I will not be asking her for anything anytime soon. I am a bit pisssed.

Avoiding Babies is not an easy thing to do. I was really trying to avoid all thing baby - like pregnant women and little baby clothes - you know all that. It seems I can avoid it to a degree - I have not been on the nest. Which is helping. I have found so much support, help and love from the women on that board and on the nest in general - but right now - I feel I do not have much to contribute right now since I am not cycling and I just need a break from TTC period. But this is not such an easy task. There is babies everywhere - and pregnant women and baby clothes and brith annoucements and pregnancy annoucements and baby showers. I guess I really cannot avoid it. But to be honest I have really been feeling better. Not so depressed. Happy to just be living life. I have been losing weight - which I love and working out and I am even able to have a few glasses of wine which is nice. John and I have felt normal again - not constantly talking about having children or getting pregnant- it is nice. Sure it is always in the back of my head no matter what I do - I think about our next step - saving money and doing IVF - but at least now it is not always on the fore front of my mind.

I am so excited!!!! I booked everything last night. We are going down to Atlantic City. We got a really nice room. We have dinner reservations for dinner 7 pm and we are going to see Joel McHale at 11 pm. It is going to be a great day and we could surely use it. John is even excited. I know we should not be spending this money when we are trying to save for IVF but we need a break and we have not taken a trip anywhere in two years. So I think we deserve it. Maybe just maybe we will win back the money we put out for the trip.

I have only been to the casinos once - when I turned 21 - one week after my 21st birthday. It was the same night John proposed to me. We got engaged on the roof top of Ceasars casino - see Ceasers was my mom's favorite casino - she loved it down there - and John thought it would be a good place to ask for my hand in marriage - the place my mother loved the most - so I could feel close to her - he is so cute.

On the IVF saving front - we have $ 8,000.00 saved now. We are moving right along - our tax return refund also helped. We are saving about $ 1,000 a month - I just hope we can keep it up. I think we will be in good shape by the fall.

So since I am not pregnant I am going to start making plans to have a good summer. I can do these things since I do not have children (yet) so why not.

First thing on my list is going to see a comedy show. I always wanted to see one and I sure could use a good laugh right about now. So I looked around and found the Joel McHale is playing at the Borgata in A.C. on May 23rd. So after work today I am going to book the tickets for the show and John and I decided even though it is expensive we are going to get a room there that night too. A little splurge us us. I am so excited - hopefully it will be nice down there by then and we can walk on the beach and then after the show - gamble a little.

So other things on my list is to go bike riding in Valley Forge, go to the Art Museum, take a weekend or a few days during the week to go to the shore for a vacation - we have not had a vacation in two years, visit my brother in North Carolina for a few days. John has one too - to take a fishing trip one day. I would also love to go see a boxing match - but I am not sure if there will be any good fighters or fights coming up.

I went to see Cats last night downtown and it was an experience. I have never been to a play - it was nice - I was not crazy about the show - but I liked the experience - just another thing checked off my list of things I want to do.

I am very disappointed not only in myself but in others.

I am disappointed in myself because I am so very jealous. I wish I was not - but I am. I am jealous when I go on facebook and see friends that just get married find out they are pregnant. I am jealous of women who get pregnant as soon as they start trying. I am jealous of women who get pregnant by accident and do not even have their shit together. I am at the point now where I cannot go to baby showers and I have a hard time even looking at babies. I do not even want to go on the nest and see the BFP's. I guess I am just in a bad place right now. I do not know how to get out of it - if anyone has some suggestions - please let me know.

I am also disappointed in the action of others. I have a few friends who I consider to be close and their actions lately have made me upset. One is John's cousins who I am very close to - I trust her - she know all about of IF and I thought she understood - I was over her house last week - a couple of days before the shower that I skipped - I told her I was not going to the shower - that I could not deal with it and she told me she completely understand and all that - then at the shower she was telling my sister in law - how she thought it was messed up that I could not bring myself to come to the shower - and what was the big deal. I cannot believe she said that - that was a very two faced move.

Then I have another friend who knows all about my IF - I e-mailed her and told her our IUI failed and how upset I was - blah blah blah. The e-mail I get back is I am sorry - three words - that is it - so much for suport. The girls on the nest are more supportive then the people in my real life. So Sad.

On the saving for IVF front - we now have $ 7,500.00 saved - well on our way.