Is it my turn yet?

I just got an e-mail from one of my friend about my old RE. He is offering IVF at a huge discount. $ 5,500 to be exact. Which does not include medication or anesthesia - so we are looking at about $ 8,500 total.

My new RE we are looking at about $ 16,000 if not more for one IVF cycle.

So now I do not know what to do - my consult is in less than two weeks.

There is a reason why I left my old RE - first where he was located was not the best place, two because I felt like he did not listen to me, three because he tried to push IVF on us (even though he was right, but I did not know that at the time) and fourth because he was not open on the weekends.

I really like my new RE - I love the location and I trust him and I think he is really good.

But that is a huge difference in price and we are totally out of pocket for IVF and money is a huge huge issue for us.

I do not know what to do now - tell me what you think readers? What should I do??

Yesterday was a very frustrating day. I was on information overload.

I found some IVF blogs that scared the crap out of me - it seems so much harder than I thought it would it would be. I know not everyone has alot of problems but now I am super scared. I am going to need all the courage I can muster up for this. I am not a strong person and I have a very low tolerance for pain. But I am trying really hard not to talk myself out of doing this.

My first and main concern is the money - I want and need to know exact how much everything is going to cost. I also need to know how and when we need to pay for these costs.

My second major concern is the whole MFI thing - regarding frozen sperm and ICSI. I need to know all about ICSI - if they will do it - and if they do it - do they do it to all of the eggs or only half - and I request that this be done or does the RE does whether or not to ICSI.

My third major concern is the ET. I read on the nest yesterday about the whole bladder thing. That you have to have a full bladder when you get your ET done and most of the time they make you wait and wait then you have to lay there afterward. Some girls said they were crying because they had to pee so badly. I have a very very very weak bladder and I have big issues with not being able to pee when I have to pee. So I am going to bring this up at my consult and hope and pray that my RE does not require a full bladder for the ET - or I will probably pee myself.

So they are my three major concerns right now. This is so overwhelming and I just want it to be over already.

AF arrived today, so that means I can start my workout. I really want to lose 15 pounds in 2 months - not sure if I can do it but I am pretty determined. I want to be as healthy as I can be going into this IVF.

Today I have to call and get our referrals for our IVF consult. I am getting both excited and nervous - it will be nice to finally have some questions answered and have a plan and timeline in place.

I really do not know what to expect - I am not sure if they will even give me my protocol at the consult or if I will even meet with the RE - so if anyone knows what happens at a IVF consult - please share.

Also the big thing I ask of my readers who have gone through this - what question should I be asking at my consult? What things do I need to know?

The nest/bump - whatever it is called now - the TTTC girls are just so amazing - alot of them are my friends on Facebook too and I find so much support from them. I truely do not know how I would of gotten through this pass three years without them. They truly understand what I am going through and it is so nice to know you are not alone.

I just really wanted to say that they totally rock.

I finally got of hold of the IVF coordinator to ask if it was necessary for John to have a repeat SA for our IVF consult - since he just had one on Tuesday and since the one on Tuesday was ordered through his Uro - it would be covered by insurance and the one for IVF will not be.

The answer was no - they cannot use the one they did on Tuesday because the IVF SA is more detailed and has different requirements then what the Uro requires to be tested. I thought maybe we would be able to get off the hook for one expense - but I guess not. John even said there is not way - they want to make money off of us - they do not care that we are OOP.

I am in the 2ww right now - we had perfect timing again this month - in my heart of hearts I am praying that I am pregnant - but then my logical side says 1% (we were only given a 1% chance of ever conciving on our own) but I still have hope.

I did call John's primary doctor and request a new referral for the Uro. Next week I will call the Uro office to make sure that they received the proper referral and that the RE faxed over the results. I will also call both of our primary doctors and get the referrals for our IVF consult. It cannot hurt. They will try to bill the insurance company first and then if they reject it we will have to pay the bill. So I need referrals in place in order for them to send the bill - I will take a chance - you never know they may cover something.

John had his SA on Tuesday. It was ordered by the Uro but had to be done at the RE office - so I gave him the informational paperwork that had the Uro info on it to give to the RE office - the lab tech or whoever handles the SA's so that they know to send the results to the Uro - Guess what DH told me last night - that he forgot to give them the paperwork. So now the RE office has an SA and probably does not know where to send it - ughhh - I swear he does this stuff on purpose to drive me nuts. So I called the RE office and they said they would fax over the results to the Uro. Dh has his Uro appointment August 4th to go over the results - lets hope they are there. I will call the Uro tomorrow to make sure they got the results.

Then yesterday when I called to set up the above mentioned August 4th Uro appointment they told me that their provider number changed - so after all the problems I had with the referrals and John's doctor now I have to call them back again today and tell them I need a new referral with the new provider number.

Should I be taking all of this stuff as an omen that this is bad - that I should not be doing this. If I have all these problems with the IVF cycle I think I might just lose my mind.

I just wanted to thank all of my followers and readers. It means the world to me that you actually read my blog and it also mean the world to me that you care enough to post replys and support me.

So Thank You Very Much!!

Yesterday the RE office called and said that John did not have a referral for his SA appointment today. I called his primary doctor over a week ago to get the referrals so when I called them back yesterday I must admit I was a bit huffy - I was pissed - can no one do their job - so the nurse on the phone kept telling me to relax - whatever - I would relax if it was done when it was suppose to be done. So told me she took care of it.

When I got home last night I told John what happened and do you know what he says to me - oh that is just great - this SA is going to mess up my whole day - thanks for telling me about it- I reminded him three times about it and even told him when I called about the referrals over a week ago.

Instead of saying thank you for yet again fixing everything - so he is pissed at me. This is not a good start to this whole IVF process - not good at all. I am the one that does all the work and will have to take all of the needles and do all of the procedures and he is crying about an SA - come on - man up seriously. I took care of everything - all you have to do it go to the appointment and do your thing. I will gladly switch places. Men - ughhh.

P.S. I called the RE office first thing this morning to make sure that the primary doctor's office did what they said they would do and sure enough the referral is there - I also text John to make sure he remembered about the SA. Now I have to call the Uro and set up an appointment to go over the test result when they come in.

Let me start my saying I had a really good start to my weekend. On Friday we stayed in and ordered from Domino's Pizza. We got one of there new Feast Pizza and let me tell you that is the best pizza I have had in a long long time. We got the Bacon Cheeseburger Feast - it has sauage and bacon and chedder cheese - it was devine. John and I ate the whole thing. I also got my books in the mail on Friday so I started reading Mommywood by Tori Spelling. Saturday I got up early and my sister in law and I went to the outlets. It was such a nice day for it and I got another coach bag. It is super cute and I love the color because it is different and I figured a color like that will take me into the fall.

Then on Saturday evening John decided to have a few people over for a BBQ - we had a nice time. I went to bed about midnight and woke up about 3 am very very sick - I spent the rest of the night and part of the morning in the bathroom. So when I finally woke up yesterday I felt so weak and sick - I laid on the couch all day and watched movies with John. I also managed to finish Mommywood - now I can move on to my next book.

I am here at work today but that is only because my bosses are away on vacation and someone has to be here to answer the phones, get the mail, etc. I guess it is good in a way because I can take my time doing things and lay my head on my desk if I need too. My stomach still feels very upset - I am drinking hot tea and eating crackers but I keep telling myself that is the way I will feel if and when I ever get pregnant - with the morning sickness - so I guess I should just suck it up and deal with it.

My bosses are gone for the next 10 days - yayayay - I have gotten more done this morning than I have in two weeks. It is amazing the work you can accomplish when you do not have to deal with a drunk on a daily basis.

I called again about John's double SA's. This is the third time I called the IVF line that my RE's office has - I left two message eariler in the week and no one called me back - so today I called and again no one answered and the mail box was full. Which has me concerned - what if I was in the middle of my IVF cycle and needed help. I am not too happy right now. If I do not hear anything by Monday morning I am calling the main office to find out what is going on and hopefully get an answer to my question.

I am looking forward to the weekend. I am going to the Outlets with my sister in law on Saturday morning and I am very excited. They have a Coach store there - I am going to get another Coach bag. I know I should be saving - but last time I went I got a $ 220 bag for $ 70 and this time I have a coupon for an additional 20% off my purchase - so it is worth it.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!!!

I am a planner - always have been and always will be - it is in my blood.

John and I were talking last night and if this IVF works and we get pregnant - we have decided that I am going to be a stay at home mom - at least for the first year. It will be hard and we will have to make sacrifies - like no more coach bags or eating out - but we could do it. Plus I would have to start shopping smarter. Like Walmart - I have never gone to Walmart until last night. My cousin as me to go with him so I said sure why not - and you know what - everything is really inexpensive in there. Even cheaper than Target.

I also have a plan now to lose the weight before IVF - I really would love to lose 15 pounds before October. My plan is to start back with the 30 day shred - I lost 5 pounds on it the last time I did it - but I quit after 15 days because it was really hard. I also plan to walk at night and on the weekends - bike ride with my hubby. We will see if it works.

I sent my brother his first care package - actually I packed it all up and John is sending it today. I wonder how long it will take him to get it. Still no word from him.

My friends are talking to me again - they apologized to me. So I guess that is one less things to stress over.

I also ordered some new books yesterday. The Glass Castle, The Bell Jar - both memoirs and Mommywood by Tori Spelling - I know what you are thinking - but I just love her - I read her last book in two days.

I still have not called to question the double SA's and if we can skip one. I have not called yet to get our referrals either. I just do not feel like it. It was nice this past couple of months not having to do anything.

I am not really looking forward to all the appointments and phone calls and shots and bloodwork and ultrasound and hiding it from work and feeling bloated and having to make up all my time at work because I am late because of doctors appointment and have to drive almost an hour to the RE.

Good or bad I am really just ready for this to be over. It has been such a long hard road and I am tired.

Does that sound stupid?? It is just everyone keeps telling me to write a book.

You would not believe some of the things that have happened in my life.

I will not go into detail - but here are a few things.

I had meningits as a baby

We were really poor which I am sure is not different from alot of people - but poor as in welfare poor - poor as in do not have enough to eat poor. The stories I have about this.

Failed 2nd grade - had to transfer schools because we could not afford Catholic School anymore

Finding out I had another sister.

By the time I was 17 - both of my parents had cancer.

Finding out after my father passed away that he was married.

Orphan at 19 - had to take custody of my 17 year old brother.

My drunk boss

Infertility

That is just to name a few things. I wonder if it would even matter - it is not like it would get published but in a way I think he would be therapeutic for me.

I have a friend who copies off of me all of the time and I seriously cannot take it anymore. John says I should take it as a complient but I cannot - it pisses me off - all I keep thinking - can't she think of her own ideas.

I will give you some examples:

The big one is my kitchen - she had her kitchen remodeled about a year before mine. It was apple theme - which was nice. I got mine done and did a coffee theme. The next time I went to her house her kitchen was coffee themed and then she tries to act like it was her idea - sorry sister you copied off of me - at least admit it.

Then I got into coach bags - well guess who is into coach bags now - she even got the exact same coach bag as me.

It is the same thing with uggs - I got my new tall gray Uggs - guess who went out and got the same ones.

I dyed my hair brown - she wants to dye her hair brown too.

I am not kidding - it is all of the time - anything I do she wants to do and then acts like it is her idea.

I have tried really hard to keep my mouth shut - but it is so hard. I want to just scream stop coping off of me.

Last night was the last straw. She told me her and her husband are going on a mini trip for their anniversary. Guess where they are going. To the Borgata in A.C. and seeing a comedy show. Isn't that exact same trip John and I took in May - the exact same thing. Are you kidding me - seriously think for yourself.

So I was reading up on my IVF packet that I got last week. We have to get referrals for each of us. Then they will send the bills to the insurance company and see if they cover them and if not then we will have to pay the bills. I already know they will not cover anything for IVF - but I will send in the bills just in case - you never know. Anyway as part of the IVF consult the husband has to get an SA. John has a follow up SA with his Uro in one week and he goes through my RE office to do it - so the SA is actually done at my RE office and the result are then sent to the Uro. Which is covered under my insurance. So I am going to call probably Monday and ask them if there is a chance that they can just use the result from the SA the Uro ordered instead of having to do another SA on August 12th - which is less than a month from the first SA and us having to pay for it. I know they are probably going to say no - because it was ordered for the Uro and not for IVF - maybe they do different test on it for IVF- but I am going to ask anyway and see what they say - it cannot hurt to ask.

Does anyone know how much and SA costs anyway??

So both of my baby names are from TV Shows.

Carter is from ER - Dr. John Carter - they always called him Carter - I have love that name for about 10 years now - of course it is getting popular now though.

Christopher actually comes from Gilmore Girls too - because Rory's father was Christopher - most people just call Christopher - Chris - but on that show he was mainly refer to as Christopher. Plus I like the way Carter and Christopher sound together.

Lorelei is also from Gilmore Girls. But it came from my husband - as you know they show reruns on ABC Family and one day John and I were watching one and he said I really like the name Lorelei - which I was surprised because I too loved that name but thought he would never go for it. So we kept bringing it up and I like it because it is different but not too far out there and that show has been canceled since 2007 so I doubt any of my daughters school mates would refer to that show - by the time my daughter is in school they probably will not even know that show existed.

Regina was my mother's first name and I would like to honor her by giving it to my daughter as a middle name.

So there you have it - that is how we got our names.

John and I talked about it again last night and here are the baby names we picked.

Boy:

Carter Christopher

Girl:

Lorelei Regina

I think they are both a little different and go well together. I am happy with our choices. Now that I have the names set - it is time to get pregnant@!

First TV - which sadly is a big one for me - I watch way to much tv.

Anyway I was bored on Sunday and flipping the channels and I came across NYC Prep on Bravo. It is a horrible show about rich kids but I could not change the channel. I love it - and hate it all at the same time. But that is in addition to the other horrible tv programs I watch - like Tori and Dean and Kendra. I just cannot get enough of trashy tv.

Ice Cream. I have been buying ice cream sandwiches at the store and I eat like two a day - not good. Ice Cream is the reason I gained 20 pounds because everytime I would get a BFN I would eat a huge thing of ice cream.

On the topic of huge - I have completely stopped working out - so bad. And I gained the 5 pounds back that I lost. I am really trying to get back into it but I have not moviation whatsoever.

Tell me what are so me of your guilty pleasures.

I called and made the appointment for John to get another follow up SA - this is the last one before of IVF cycle. I cannot believe it has been almost a year since John surgery. In my dreams the surgery fixed everything and we got pregnant on our own - but it does not work like that. I am hoping for some improvement though.

I told John that I like to have a sample frozen prior to the actual IVF - as a back up. Well he flipped out and said no - he said he could do it that day of the ER and there will be no problem. Well I know this sounds bad but I do not care - I want a sample frozen. After all that I will be put through I want to have a back up plan - I plan on asking if this is standard procedure at our consult.

I have yet to open my IVF packet. We already did all the paperwork and they already have a file set up for us - so I am sure it is just odds and ends stuff. I will open it tonight.

Last night I could not sleep because I was thinking all our nursery - I guess that is a good sign that I am hopeful that this IVF is going to work. It just has to work.

So it was a holiday weekend and I tried my best to just let all the anger go. On Friday I went and got my hair colored - it is a bit darker than I am use to but I think it turned out okay. I have not had my hair done since December in an effort to save money - but it was time - I needed a change.Then Saturday we went to my friends house for a 4th of July BBQ - we had a great time swimming and sunning. I love summer.


My IVF packet came in the mail on Friday but I did not even look at it - I did not open it - I just put it away - I will deal with all of that on Monday. This weekend is for relaxing.

My friends are ganging up on me now. The first friend I got in a fight with must of told my other friend because she e-mailed me and said I was being unreasonable. So I decided to e-mail them both the Resolve Website link and some information that I thought applied to my situation. Well of course neither one of them responded and neither one of them are talking to me at all now. When I need then the most they are not there for me. I want to cry. I guess they are not my true friends if they cannot be there for me when I need them.

Then my boss is so trashed again this morning - and getting on my last nerve - of course my eye is twiching again. There was a client that was in this morning and my boss was yelling and screaming so loudly about the position of the printer - I went back and told him to be quiet because I was with a client and he said he did not give a fuck - nice.

On the topic of the client - he comes in this morning and he says oh I remember you - you are the girls with the two cute little children. Um, yeah I do not think so.

John and I made up - kinda - talking about money is always hard for us. As I am sure it is with every couple. I asked if what happens if we do not have all the money by Oct and he said we will take out a loan but I really did not want to do that - that is why we have been saving for all of these months. I am a planner and I just wish we had a plan in place. I do not want to wait any longer to do IVF but I do not know what we are going to do if we do not have enough money by Oct. If money was not an issue it would not be a big deal at all. But we are not rich people and it is taking everything we have to save this money - now we decided to give up our Friday night dinner to try and save some more. We usually go out to dinner every Friday night with two other couples. But I guess it is just what we have to do - but being OOP totally sucks. If you have coverage for IVF or someone to help you with the cost - be very very thankful.

Also this marks one year with my new RE. I cannot believe it has been another year and I am still in the exact same place I was last year. With the exception of 4 more failed IUI's and two unsuccessful surgeries. I just feel so upset. Nothing is going right now. I am sorry if my blog has been down and depressing lately but I cannot help it - this is what I feel and this my place to pour all my feelings out.

Yesterday was not the best day - not only did I get in a fight with one of my good friends but I also got in a fight with John and we went to bed not speaking to each other and I hate that.

First the fight with my friend. It has been going on for a few days now. By e-mail because we e-mail each other every day - multiple times a day. So two or three days ago - I e-mailed her and told her how upset I was about getting my period and how I have this IF rollercoster. Well she writes back and says that she thinks John and I should look into adoption. This made me very upset - she knows our background - she knows we are saving for IVF. So I tried to explain to her that adoption was not an easy way out that it takes alot of time and money and his not for everyone. Well yesterday she wrote me back and said that she does not know what to say around me and that she feels she has to walk on eggshells around me. I told her that she was not listening to me - this (IF) is not a new thing - I have been talking about it with her and sending her information on it for years now and all I wanted was some support. I told her I am no longer going to speak to her about my infertility - I told her that I will just let her know if and when I get pregnant and I will spare her the details from this point on. She wrote back and said she thinks that is for the best. The truth is she is just tried of hearing about it - there is not miracle cure that is going to just get me pregnant and she does not want to hear about our struggle any longer. So much for support from my friends.

Then I go home - granted I was in a bad mood to begin with but John and I started talking and I told him about the IVF consult that I set up - and he was like - I guess we have to go. I told him I could her the hesitation in his voice and he said he did not want to do this. Yes, he knows we have to do this but he does not want to. He wants a child and is ready to be a father but he truly did not think it would come to this. He truly believed that we would get pregnant before IVF. He is having a hard time putting all this money out and he is frustrated and angry - which is not helping me feel any better. All I want is a little support - someone to tell me that everything will be okay - that it will all work out and that one day I will get the family I so desire. This is when I miss my mom the most. I know she would support me or at least let me get it all out - my concerns and frustration and everything that will come along with this IVF cycle. It is causing more problems and it has not even started yet. I guess John and I are just both scared. Please tell me I am not alone in feeling this way.