Is it my turn yet?

AF arrived this morning - all on her own - I am very proud - LOL. I am so glad I did not have to go to my OB to get medicine to move it along. Now we can start trying on our own - I guess I better go out and buy some OPK's next week. I really hope we get pregnant on our own.

I watched the view yesterday and I think they did a very good job and I am glad they did the whole show on IF. I am glad they touched on the costs, the weight gain and even did a segment on MFI - so now people may realize that it is not always a women's problem.

The things that bugged me about the show were when they attacked Guiliana - I think she is very brave to put her personal information out there like that and have more people become aware of infertility and I am sure the main reason people to do discuss infertility more is because they are judged - just like she was by Whoppi yesterday. I know alot of people do not like her but I love her and I respect her documenting her struggle - not many other people in the limelight do this.

Another thing that bothered me was every time they talk to someone about their struggles they said what about adoption - like it is a easy fix. I think adoption is great and do not knock it at all - it is a wonderful option for many people but it is not the only option for infertile couples and I hate when that is the first thing people say to infertile couples. I say to this if they are so for adpotion then how come they did not adopt - adoption is not for only infertile couples - anyone can adopt. It is not easy it is very expensive and a very difficult decision for some couples to make. Some, like me are not even ready to discuss that option.

But other than that it was very informative and I am glad they did it. That is just my take on it.

Yesterday was 6 weeks since my D & E and still no AF. I am upset because I am the 28 day girl and now my body is so messed up. My OB said I should get my period 4 to 6 weeks after the D & E. I am going to call him next week and see if he can give me something to jump start my period. I want to begin trying on our own but I do not want to start until after I get my first period. I heard it can take the body up to three months after a miscarriage to realize it is not pregnant anymore - my stupid body probably still thinks I am pregnant. I would of been 18 weeks pregnant today : (

I think I am healing though - because I was at Target yesterday and looking at the baby stuff did not make me cry - usually I would well right up and have to walk away - but I even pick up a few odds and ends for my SIL - I plan on making her a basket of essential items - so MOMS if you have any suggestions for me to add to the basket please pass them on. So far I got her Aveeno Baby Wash and Lotion, Hyland Teething Tablets, The Baby Crack Machine and Iteeen Baby Care Timer.

I have the baby crack machine for myself and the happiest baby on the block DVD and I thought about giving them to her - but I want to keep them for me - I will get pregnant again - one day - I hope.

I am excited to watch The View today - it is all about infertility and Guiliana and Bill are going to be on there - I watched their show last night and they did their first IUI - I do not believed it worked because I do not think she is pregnant - at least she does not look pregnant on E News - but I am curious to see how far along they are in treatments. I am so happy they are being open about their infertility struggle.

I get a call from a number I did not know at around 7:30 last night - I answer and it was my RE. He called to check up on me and make sure I was doing okay. He said he got the letter from my OB saying the D & E went well and that they baby was tested and there was no genetic issues.

He said that he would like me to try a FET. He said that he does not want me to have to put it on hold to save up the money to pay for it. He said we would work something out - a payment plan or something. I was so shocked by his call that I just said ok and he said to talk to my husband and get back to him.

How does he even know we would have to save for the FET??? Maybe he reads my blog - LOL. He honestly seemed really sincere and wanted us to get pregnant.

But honestly I am not ready. I have not even gotten my period yet and tomorrow will mark 6 weeks since my D & E - if I do not get my period by next week I am calling my OB. Plus we have our trip planned for the spring and I want to go see my brother in CA in the summer. I want to get my body and mind back into shape. I am still mourning over our loss and not ready to start a treatment cycle again.

Plus deep down I am hoping that somehow - someway we get pregnant on our own - even though that would probably take a miracle. A girl can dream.

I will do a FET - when we are ready - I am thinking the end of July - beginning of August - right when I would of been due to give birth - I think it will be good to start cycling again then. But my RE does have me thinking now - maybe I should not wait - if they are offering a payment plan. But at the same time I do not want to have a payment if it does not work. What to do? What to do?

I just watched brothers and sisters and it was a hard one to watch - Rebecca lost the baby - she was due in July like me. When Justin was crying in the waiting room because he had bought the Valentine's baby book - I just lost it myself.

I started the Special K diet today - I had a meal replacement shake for breakfast - so far so good - I have been up since 7 am - it is now 10 am and I am not hungry - so I guess it is working. I really want to lose this IVF weight. Has anyone done the Special K Challenge before?? Does it work?? I am also doing the 30 day shred 5 days a week and then the treadmill on the weekends. So far I have not lost any weight.

I watched that movie last night and there were two part in the movie when you just knew it pained her that was did not have children. One part is when she and her husband were walking in the park and she longing looked at a baby stoller and her husband just kissed her hand knowing her pain. John and I know this all too well. I remember at a family party my husband was just starring at the little babies and I could see the pain in his eyes and I walked over and held his hand. It is an unspoken pain - we do not even have to say anything to each other and we just know.

When I was pregnant they grew ALOT. In the 11 weeks that I was pregnant I went up a full cup size - it was crazy. But now that I am not longer pregnant they quickly went back to their normal size which I do not mind at all and even expected would happen. But what I did not expect was the horrible stretch marks I have. I guess it is because they grew so fast and went back down so fast - who knows. I keep telling my husband I would not mind the stretch marks if I was still pregnant and going to have a baby - I would have stretch marks all over my body if it meant I was still pregnant with a healthy baby but as of right now it is just a permanent reminder of what I do not have.

My cousin and I were suppose to go to the movies tonight - spend time together - I have not seen him in awhile and was really looking forward to just us going out together.

Well he sends me a text message this afternoon asking if his friend can come with us (he knows I do not like his friend) so I said to him I thought it was just going to be us two. So then he calls me and gets all huffy saying his friend will stay at his apartment while we are at the movies - apprently he made plans with the friend and had him come from out of town to stay with him.

I said never mind - we do not need to go - obviously you have other plans already and hung up the phone.

Then he text me that the way I am acting is the reason why I will never become a mother. Wow. I cannot believe he said that and I have it in writing - it broke my heart - and it was a total low blow.

So then he replies that he did not want to go to the movies with me anyway and will take his friend instead.

I did not reply. He then sends me an e-mail saying he was sorry for the low blow, he then sends me a text saying he still want to go to the movies - then he calls me three times. When I do not reply he send me another text saying he is no longer sorry and he is done with me and delete me as a friend in facebook.

I swear it is like I am in high school - I refuse to play this silly little game and my feeling are really hurt from his comment about never becoming a mother.

Just had to share.

I decided to treat myself and buy some clothes for my trip in the spring to Punta Cana.

I would of been 17 weeks pregnant today - I just want it to be July 30, 2010 already so maybe this will not be so hard once my due date has come and gone. I cannot help to think about my baby that I will never have all of the time. I think how far along I would be and how big I would be and if I would feel the baby yet and what we would be doing to prepare for the baby. I even had a dream last night that I was breastfeeding my baby - it felt so real - I woke up feeling sad.

I thought I wanted time to heal but honestly I just want to be pregnant again now - well maybe not right now but I would like to be pregnant again before my due date. I would love to do a FET in August - but I am not sure we can afford it - I called today to find out how much it would cost and it will be $ 4, 125.00. We may be able to save up that much money by then - I am not sure.

My husband and I were talking about it yesterday and he said your know if we do a FET you are totally going to get pregnant with twins - that is what he always wanted - he was actually sad when we were pregnant with only one the first time.

I just want this infertility ride to be over - I want to have a healthy pregnancy and be done. I do not intend on doing treatments ever again - if I got pregnant with one or two babies that would be it for us. We would still always try on our own - but I do not have high hopes for ever getting pregnant on our own - but I guess you never know. Everyone keeps saying to me that I will probably get pregnant on my own now- since I was already pregnant but I do not believe that.

I get a Facebook chat message today from my cousins girlfriend - she asked me how I was doing and I said fine - then she said Congrats were in order and I said Congrats about what - and she said about my pregnancy. I had to tell her I was no longer pregnant - it hurt - and I felt bad for her not knowing. I did not tell her I was pregnant apparently my best friend told her I was pregnant and never told her I lost the baby.

In other news we got out passports in the mail - so we are ready to take our trip to Punta Cana in the Spring - now I need to start shopping for clothes to wear there.

I am trying to exercise and lose this IVF and baby weight but it is not working out so good - I guess because I am so depressed - I am tired and do not want to do it - but I want to look good for my trip - I will try to start back up again on Monday. It is not easy either when it is so gray and icy outside.

I was watching Giuliana and Bill last night and they are struggling with infertility as well and they talk about being childless. I do not like that word - it hurts my heart - but that is what we are - we are childless.

I am so very sad and depressed - I tried to put on a brave front - taking care of myself and booking vacations and pretending like it was not all that bad - but it is really hitting me now.

I am childless and I may never have children. My heart is breaking.

Here in PA we have gotten slammed with snow - it is the worse snow storm in PA history. We got 2 feet of snow on Saturday and then two more feet of snow yesterday - but yesterday storm was mixed with snow and ice - so underneath all of the snow is a sheet of ice. We had a state of emergency and the highways were even shut down. It is a mess here.

Thank you to Kate from The Calm after the Storm at http://thecalmafterthestorm.wordpress.com/ for nominating me for the Beautiful Blogger award.

I went in for my post op appointment yesterday and everything is good with me - I can resume normal activites and start trying again. They got the test back that was done on the baby to see why the heart just stopped beating and we were just one of the unlucky ones that had a miscarriage- there is no genetic issues or any other problems like that - so that is one good thing.

John and I did end up playing hookey from work and had a really nice day together yesterday. We went to the doctors together in the morning and then went to breakfast and then we went out and got a new mattress - it is a bit firmer than our last one and I need to get use to it still.

We are getting a ton of snow this weekend so it looks like John will be out plowing all weekend long - so I guess I cannot drag him to see the movie Dear John liked I plan to this weekend. Oh well there is always next weekend.

Some days just get me - you know. Today my SIL decided it would be a good idea for all of us girls to get together for my MIL birthday - I think this is a great idea but at the same time I am dreading going because my one SIL is pregnant and last time we were all together for a family party all the MIL and SILs talked about was her pregnancy, babies and all that comes along with that - I got so upset I had to leave their table. So to go out to dinner with them I am a bit nervous that all they will talk about is babies and I cannot handle that.

Then I find out that the SIL that is pregnant finally went to the doctors and she is 10 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby and everything looks good - I am happy for her because I would not wish my pain on anyone but the kicker is her due date is on my birthday. August 24th.

Then that got me thinking that if we were still pregnant I would be 15 weeks tomorrow. We would have babies only one month apart and they could of grown up together and been best friends and now that is never going to happen and I just started crying. This sucks.

So now I am home from work - I called John and told him about my day and he suggested that we take off together tomorrow - I have my follow up D & E appointment tomorrow morning and he can go with me and then we can do breakfast and go buy a new mattress that we have been wanting to get - so that is what we are going to do - I do not know what I would do without that man.

As for now I bought a bottle of wine on my way home from work and I plan on getting drunk tonight and trying to forget all the pain I am in - even if it is only for the night.

I came home today to a wonderful package from all of the nest girls. I was so overwhelmed with the kindness and genorsity of these wonderful women I began to cry. The thoughtfulness that went into these gifts was unbelieveable. All of the cards with their wonderful thoughts and prayers meant so much to me. There was a spa gift card to get a massage and then there was a gift card to get my hair done - at the salon that I go to - how amazing is that and then there was a gift card to Carrabba's and American Express gift cards, a magnet, a wondeful elephant necklace - I collect elephants so that is perfect and a butterfly bracelet. The nest boards - both IF and SAIF have always been wonderful for me - throughout my IF struggle and then getting pregnant then losing the baby - those women were always and still are there for me to give advice or comfort. I cannot believe they did all of this for me - I feel truly loved right now.