Is it my turn yet?

We are not rich people - we had to save for everything we have ever wanted including IVF, our house, our wedding, etc. We have one savings account for our treatments - which we do not touch and we should have enough money in there for our FET.

We have a seperate savings account just for saving for house projects, trips etc. We just went to Punta Cana not too long ago and with the rest of our tax return we were going to build a deck. But my brother really wants me to come out this summer and visit him - he just moved to CA - but when I look up the tickets they are crazy expensive.

So I now have a decision to make - either we use the money to build the deck or we use the money to go visit my brother in his new home on base in CA.

My husband said he would leave the decision up to me but I do not know what to do.

My marriage is getting better step by step - I am trying to listen to John and he is really trying to listen to me and do the things I ask of him. Which is so refreshing - we are really trying to work on our marriage now. Before we were so wrapped up in our own grief that we basically let our marriage fall by the waist side. But now we are really trying and it is actually starting to make a difference.

Since things are going so well with the marriage my gut instinct is to go forward with the FET in August - but I am just going to wait and see how I feel when that time comes.

I am bitter about my infertility and the loss of my baby - any person who reads this blog knows that - some days are better then others - Friday was not a good day - but today is better - thank you for being with me through my ups and downs.

I even did something shocking yesterday- I went into Babies R Us for the first time in about 3 years - I am sure people noticed how very uncomfortable my husband and I were - because I could see it all over my husband's face - so we went in - got the travel system for my SIL baby and left - we did not look around - I basically tried to keep my eyes on the floor - and we were out of there in under 5 mins. If I would of started to look at the stuff or all the babies and pregnant women then I would of cried - but my husband was there with me and we got it done. I know it sounds silly to alot of you - but that was a big deal to go in there for me.

I try not to be jealous - I really do try - but I have been avoiding my sister in law who is pregnant like the plaque - I honestly do not want to see her - I do not think I can handle seeing her - I am suppose to be pregnant right along with her. I am suppose to be 30 weeks pregnant and have a big belly and be complaining that my feet are all swollen.

I am so jealous - I do not want to go to a family party they are having next weekend because I will have to see her and I am actually getting upset over the fact that I have to attend her baby shower in July. I keep trying to tell myself that it is not her fault that I lost my baby and I should be happy for her.

But I cannot - she still lives at home with her parents - is not married and wanted to break up with the boyfriend before she found out she was pregnant - the boyfriend has a crappy job and still lives at home with his parents and she has not even looked into daycare or anything for the baby - so I know she is just going to quit her job - she does not have car and keeps asking my husband to co-sign for her - hell no - what so she can quit her job and we get stuck with the payments.

The thing that pisses me off even worse is my husband is always taking her side - like today when she called me stupid on the phone - I was upset and he said oh it is because she is pregnant I did not realize being pregnant meant you hurt other people's feelings. Then he keeps wanted to get her a car somehow - why - it is not our problem - she is a grown adult and makes her own decisions - it is her own fault she is in the situation she is in and she needs to learn how to deal with it herself.

I just do not understand life at all sometimes - she is in no way shape or form ready for a baby - she can barely take care of herself and we were so ready for a baby and we do not get to have one - I do not get this world at all.

One thing that the Therapist did say to me that kinda stuck out was she mentioned the heat in the room and I said I never get hot - I am always the cold one and she asked if I wear socks to bed even in the summer and I said yes and she said I may have a thyroid issue and that I should get it checked out because it may effect my fertility. I googled it and it turns our that Hypothyroidism is link to miscarriage - now I do not know if that is what I have or if that could of been the cause of my miscarriage but it does not hurt to have it checked out.

So I will call my PCP today and make an appointment - to just get a general physical and to get bloodwork done to check my thyroid.

Another thing I have been thinking alot about - is when I was pregnant and I had some bleeding a couple of weeks before I lost the baby and they said there was a blood mass in my uterus but not to worry - and with each ultrasound it got smaller and smaller - but I am a little concerned about why that was in there in the first place and if it could have been a problem and the doctor did not realize. So I think if we decide to do the FET in August that I am going to make am appointment with my RE in July to discuss this with him.

I just want to make sure that I am doing everything possible to have a healthy pregnancy - that is if I even get pregnant - but I just do not want to take any chances.

Do has anyone else dealt with a thyroid issue - and has it affected your fertility??

I went to therapy twice now and I have decided I am not going back - I am not necessarily done all together but I am done with the counselor I am currently seeing. I know my marriage is not the best marriage in the world and we have had alot of problems since our miscarriage. I will not lie things have not been easy - but she basically said I should leave him - in two sessions she came to the conclusion that I should leave the man I have been with for 10 years. I think people nowadays get divorced to easily and I know we are not the average couple - hell we have been through more crap then most people will ever go through in their entire lives but we still love each other and that has to count for something.

I think I am going to try and find a marriage counselor and see if there is someway I can get John to go - even if it is just for a couple of sessions. I have said how I feel and he has made changes that I have asked him to make but I think we are both still depressed and marriage counseling will help. I still have not ruled out a FET in August - but I am just going to wait and see how it plays out.

Our original plan was to do a FET at the end of July/beginning of August - I figured that was the perfect time because it gave us a nice long break - I can enjoy the summer and then once our due date had pasted we can start again - fresh - new - hopeful.

The only thing is I do not feel so hopeful and I am not sure if I want to do a FET in August. Things have not been so great between John and I and I am still grieving over the lost of our first baby.

I am not sure how people do this - to just move on - I feel like I cannot move on - like the baby we lost was the baby we were meant to have - which obviously makes no sense I know and obviously is not true or I would still be pregnant right now.

Also what if it does not work - would I be worse then I am now - more depressed- what if it works and we miscarry again - I know highly unlikely but it can happen.

This is our last chance so I think it is another reason why I want to put it off. If this does not work - I think this is going to be it for us.

I just feel so unsure.

I love my comfort zone - I am very content just staying at home and going to the same job everyday and routine - I thrive on routine - sad I know. But since so many things in my life have gone wrong and were and are beyond my control - I like to keep as much normal and the same as possible.

But lately - I have really been going out of my comfort zone - trying new things. Like my trip to Punta Cana - big deal for me - never been out of the country and never been on a plane - I did both and did them without freaking out - John was all prepared for me to freak out on the plane but I was so calm.

Then this new job - big deal to me being that I have only had two jobs in my entire life. One job I stayed at for 6 years and I will be at my current job for 7 years in June - so working somewhere new is a big for me.

Then there is the therapy - which is not that big of a deal - being that I have been in therapy before - but it is me stepping out of my comfort zone.

I went to a baseball game yesterday too - I have not been to a baseball game since I was 10 years old - I plan on trying to put alot more activities in my life which I have never done before.

I finally fit in my pre IVF work pants - it only took me forever and it was not even from working out - I have been working out since I lost the baby and the scale has not moved - I go on vacation and come home and get really sick and end up losing 6 pounds - it is amazing what 6 little pounds can do because I fit in my pants that I have not wore since before IVF - I am wearing them today and they are not too tight or anything - it makes me happy - now if I can just keep this weight off.

In regards to my last post about medication - I will never take medication - I know it helps people but it is not for me - see I have a very addictive personality and there is a long history of addicts in my family - mostly drinkers - that is why I do not drink and I would be too afraid to start taking pills and get addicted so they are not for me - I mean if I can do through the death of both of my parents by the age of 19 and being on my own with my 17 year old brother to take care of and not be on medication surely I can handle this. But thank you for your concern.

It went okay. She said both John and I sound depressed and that we have every right to be after all that we have been through. She asked if I wanted to be put on medication and I said no I never want to be on anything. She asked if I could somehow get John to come to counseling - I said I highly doubt it - so she said to just try and work on him and see if he would be willing to come to at least one session to try it out. She said he really does not have any support - I have so much support from my blog and the nest boards but he has none.

She was very surprised to hear how I got all my medication for IVF donated to me from my blog and even more surprised that I got such a nice care package after my miscarriage from the girls on the nest boards. She was happy to see I get so much support and that there is still nice, kind and caring people out there in the world.

She said that I am stronger then I think I am and I do not give myself enough credit for going through everything I have been through in my life and she said I was very resilient.

I am going back in two weeks - not really sure if I will continue to go for a long period of time - we will see how the next couple of session go and then I will decide from there. She is nice and I like her but I really do not know what I want and I am not sure if she can help me with that - we shall see.