Is it my turn yet?

Today was suppose to be my due date for my little bean. I have been holding back tears all morning - I decide to go to work to get my mind off it if but it is not easy.

I really hate my life right now - I am suppose to be happy - having a baby - starting a family but instead my baby - no family - and horribly sick with no end in sight.

The diet is not going well - I am hungry all of the time - I have lost 10 pounds in two weeks. I have horrible indigestion. I am not sure what to do - I am still sticking with it but John keeps saying I should talk to the doctor about it and wait to see if they can find out what my underlying issues are. I am so lost, confused, upset and depressed.

The top off an already hard morning my boss decided to come in this morning with newborn pictures of his new Grandson for me to see - he does not know it is my due date today - I swear only me. I have the worse luck in the world.

Pity party for me today :(

Thank you for all of the support and love -I wish I could tell you all that I feel better but I don't.

I have made some major lifestyle changes - starting yesterday - LOL and I am already having trouble with them - it is hard to change everything you have ever known - there has been alot of crying - but at the end of the day it is only food.

I have cut our all sugars and carbs - I am only eating meat, eggs, chicken, veggies and some fruits because alot of fruits have sugar in them. I am only drinking water and ginger and peppermint tea. Not sure if this will work but it cannot hurt at this point.

My husband has been 100% supportive and said he will eat what I eat - I am still very weak and just feel blah - but knowing I get his hugs at the end of the day make it easier to get through the work day.

I still have thrush and it does not seem to be going away so I am going to fill my precription for difiucan - it is only one more dose and I sure hope it works.

I am on a probiotic called Flora Q - and I am looking into getting some vitamins - any suggestions would be great.

I should get the results of my testing with the GI doctor next week - if they show nothing then I may have to get a colonoscopy done. I just want them to figure out what is wrong with me. I have the bowel issues with the yeast issues - I am just a mess.

I am sorry that this infertility blog has turned into a sick person blog - what that is what is going on in my life right now. I am trying to keep a positive attitute and pray that things will start turning around for the good.

Hoping they would give me an x-ray or cat scan or something - nope - they just told me the little bumps on my tongue are Thrush - which is a yeast infection of the mouth - I know it sound gross but it is really not that bad - they gave me an anti-fungal and sent me home to follow up with my GI.

I am going to stick with the plan the GI doctor has for the next two week - but if he tells me nothing is wrong I am going to see a nutritionist because I have been doing some research online and apparently there is this thing called Candida with is an overgrowth of yeast in the body and can lead to call kinds of problems.

Problems like infertility, rosacea, acne, stomach issues and so much more - which alot of I had and it can be helped with a huge change in diet - cutting out all yeast - including sugars and bread, etc. I love food so this seems scary to me - but at this point I am hardly eating anything and have lost 8 pounds so it has to be better then what I am going through now.

Yes I am still sick and yes I am sicker than before. Apparently the meds they gave me are making me sick so they decided to give me a proboitic to help - well that did not help it made my tougue break out in bumps.

I called my PCP today and told him I am going off of my antibotics today - I cannot wait until Monday they are making me too sick. So he said okay - then I called the GI doctor and told him I was going off them today so he can test me on Monday - it takes 3 days after you go off of them to get out of your system or something.

So he said to come pick up the paper today - and of course they close at noon -so I had to leave work and drive across town - which is normally a 30 min. drive but they are working on the roads so it took me one hour each way. Do you know the GI doctor had the nerve to give me another antibodtic - I told him I am not taking it - not right now anyway - until this crap is out of my system. He says it is suppose to help my stomach.

I honestly think I rather just deal with the stomach issues then be put on all of these meds and have all these horrible side effects. Enough is enough - It has been six for 6 weeks now with stomach issues and for two weeks with the side effects from the meds they gave me.

So now they will test me for three days and see what happens so maybe I will know by the first week in August what is wrong with me and how they can fix it.

I went to the GI doctor last night and he basically said there is nothing he can do for me until I stop the antibiotics. Because any test he would run would be ineffective because of them. He said he thinks the reason why I feel worse is because the antibiotic is taking all my good bacteria along with my bad bacteria - so he gave me a script for probiotics.

TTC at this point is not really on my mind - who knows if I will even cycle in August - I do not know what kind of blood clotting disorder I have yet - that is why I have to meet with the hematologist. At this point I am more worried about getting well than anything else.

The GI doctor says it may be a parasite they did not test for or post infection IBS - he asked if I could hold out one more week until I was done with the antibiotic and then if I am still sick then go from there with testing and such.

So that is what I am going to do - I am going back to work tomorrow even though I feel like crap. I know I can just make it through the work day and then come home and crash - John has been really good and has been taking care of me. I honestly do not know how chronically ill people do this day in and day out - they are very brave. Thanks for all the support - it means alot to me.

I am still sick - I am getting worse so I called my PCP today and told him and he said I need to go see a gastrointestinal doctor and gave me two names and told me to make an appointment for today or tomorrow - well I called both doctors and they could not see me to at least August - so I called my PCP back and told him and he said hold on a second and somehow got me an appointment for tonight at 5 pm. I am nervous and scared - obviously it is something serious for my PCP to pull strings to get me seen today. I hope everything turns out okay - I just want to start feeling better.

Then I get another blow this morning - my RE called me and apparently I have a blood clotting disorder. I have to go see a hematologist before I start cycling again. I am beyond upset about this because now all I can think it my miscarriage was not bad luck - or that it just happened - no it was my fault.

This antibiotic thay have me on just makes me feel run down - but if it works then that is the most important thing. I have to take it for two weeks. I just want to feel normal again - I have not felt well in over a month.

As for the FET we are not going to do it this month - it just makes more sense to wait - what is one more month in the scheme of things anyway. I am not too upset over it - I want my body to be healthy for a baby.

So it looks like I will start my FET at the end of August. Probably have my transfer in the middle of September.

So I have written how I have been really sick for the past few weeks - well my test result finally came back and I have C-Diff - which is a bacterial infection. It is very contagious so my husband is going to the doctor tonight to have testing done to see if he has C-Diff also. I got it from my 78 year old godmother - she was in the hospital with C-Diff a few weeks ago and I was there visiting and taking care of her. Only my luck - I try to be a good person and help her out because her family wanted nothing to do with it and I get sick.

So I do not know what this means for my treatment. I started antibiotics yesterday and I have to take them for 2 weeks - which means I will be going off the the antibodies just as I am suppose to start the treatment. I called my RE to ask what he thought and he said that technically I can do the treatment but in his opinion he thinks I should wait another month - make sure I am better and my body is back to normal.

Now I do not know what to do - I really wanted to start treatment but I think it will be better to wait. What would you do if you were in my position??

It was for my sister in law who is due one month behind what I would of been due and on my birthday no less - I was dreading going - I thought it was going to be the hardest thing I was going to have to do - but it turns out it was not that bad at all - it was actually fun - I was happy for her and happy she got everything she needed for her little boy. I had alot of support from my friends and it was nice. John was even there to help carry out all of the gifts and he even said he was happy. I did not think of myself or my situation - I was just in the moment.

My dear friend Jeanna who lost her twins the same day I lost my baby sent me the most wonderful thing today. As I am sure many of you know there is this thing where you write your baby's name in the sand as a memory because sometimes there is no recognition of their life - especially in a miscarriage.

Today I get this wonderful e-mail where Jeanna who was on vacation wrote Little Bean in the sand as a memory of my Little Bean that I lost 6 months ago.

It was the most heartfelt thing someone has ever done for me. To remember my baby while on your vacation - there really are no words to describe how much that meant to me. When I read the e-mail and saw the picture I just cried.

Even though we started our friendship from a tragedy we both experienced I am so glad to know Jeanna. I hope to meet her in real life one day. So again I want to thank her for thinking of me and my little bean today and to let her know I am thinking of her and her twin beans today.

Here is the picture:

It has been six month today since we found out we lost our baby. I am sad - I cannot believe that I am not 36 weeks pregnant. I am sad that our baby is not about to be born and we are not about to become the family I have hoped and dreamed of for so long. I am sad our little bean is gone.

I am actually getting pretty nervous about what is wrong with me and what this could mean for my upcoming treatment. I was not suppose to have my doctor's appointment until this Wednesday coming up but I was so very sick this past Thursday morning that I called the doctor and asked if they could fit me in somewhere - they had an appointment open for 11:15 am and I took it - I left work and went there and he said I had lost 5 pound - in one week - that is not good and while I would love to lose 5 pounds this is not the way I want to do it - he said I did not seem to be dehydrated but I would need to drink lots of Gatorade. He had me go for some bloodwork and sorry TMI - stool sample. I went on Friday morning and they took 15 vials of blood from me - fun times. I stayed home from work on Friday as well.

This weekend I just laid around the house - I have to stay close to the bathroom and I am hardly eating anything - my head is pounding non stop - it is pretty upsetting - to not know what is going on. John says jokingly that I have a parasite in my stomach and in my brain from our trip to Punta Cana - I do not find that funny at all. I will find out the result of the bloodwork and other test later this week and I am praying it is just some sort of infection and they can give me antibodies and it will go away. We shall see but being sick sucks.