Is it my turn yet?

November 23, 2009 was the happiest day of my life - beside the day I got married - because it was the day that we found out after years of struggling, tons of medicaiton, and appointments and procedures that we were finally pregnant. I remember getting my bloodwork done in the morning and then telling them to call my cell phone and leave a message with the results so John and I could listen to it together - well they called at 11 am - I could not wait until that evening to know - so I drove up to John's work on my lunch break and listen to it in the car - we were so happy to hear you are pregnant with a beta of 604. I was smiling so much that day my face hurt. Sadly I do not have a baby right now - but I will always remember my little bean.

As 2010 is coming to a close I am praying next year is not going to be filled with sadness but filled with happiness and good memories and maybe even another call at some point from my RE saying you are pregnant again. My little bean was too beautiful for this earth but will always be remembered.

I have not posted because I really have nothing nice to say and like the old saying goes - if you do not have anything nice to say do not say anything at all.

I have been a ball full of nerves the past week or so and I do not know why - I cannot seem to get a grip - I guess everything is just crashing down around me now. I am dreading the holidays - it only reminds me that I have no family and cannot even have a family of my own. I wish my brother did not live so far away.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year - because on Thanksgiving last year we told John's family we were pregnant - this year his mother does not even want to cook - they want to go out to eat - which I find odd and strange - I never ever went out to eat on Thanksgiving - but since I cook a huge meal and have the whole family over for Christmas - John did not want to do Thanksgiving at our house too - so it looks like we will be going out to eat this Thanksgiving.

Usually I am so into Christmas and decorating and buying gift - usually I am almost done my shopping by now and have moved on to wrapping - but this year I am sad and really do not want to celebrate Christmas at all - last year my brother and his family were here and I was so happy and this year I just keep thinking we should be hanging another stocking up this year and we are not.

But I cannot live in the past - I need to live in the present - I do not know what is going to happen in the future so I just need to live for now. I keep having the thought - in this moment I am happy.

I am grateful that I have a husband who loves me and a nice home and we both have good jobs when so many people are out of work - and I have great friends who truly care about me. I know I am very blessed.

Somedays - lets face it - most days I just think about the bad things and all that I do not have - so it really is a struggle for me right now to think of all the ways I am blessed - but I need to remember that I am blessed and I have alot of good things in my life. Now is the time to remember all the things you are thankful for.

I had my first acupuncture appointment yesterday - it went pretty well. She is very nice and took the time to listen to me and what I want to get out of this whole process. We talked for about an hour about everything and then we did a treatment. I have 7 needles stuck in me - one in my chest - two in my stomach - two in my legs and two in my feet - they did not hurt at all - she left me to lay there and relax with some nice music and that would of been fine for a couple of mins - I would say 15 or 20 mins - but no she left me there for an hour - which was way to long for me to lay still and relax - I hope in time I can learn to relax more with the treatments but all I wanted to do after about 20 mins was get up and get out of there.

I do not feel any different in fact I feel worse today - my friend says it is my toxins leaving my body - she did tell me to drink more water which is what I am going to try to do and she also said I need to eat something right when I wake up and that may help settle my stomach for the day - I will try that too. I am willing to try anything to feel better.

In other news my ears have been clogged and I could not get an appointment with my regular ENT doctor so I went to a different doctor yesterday and he looked at my tongue and said it was not thrush that it was geographic tongue and nothing to worry about - which is also what my dentist said - so now I do not know what to believe.

I did ask the acupunctist and she said that she does not think my tongue is a problem - she said as long as it does not bother me I should not worry about it - she said she has seen way worse tongues.

I cannot believe it has been a year since my egg transfer. It makes me sad - things were suppose to be so different. Now I understand though that things work out the way they are suppose to work and and just because we are not parents now does not mean we will never be parents - when the time is right the baby we are meant to have will be ours.

I have decided to really cut back on Christmas this year - it is getting out of hand and to expensive for us now all of our family and friends have children. So instead of buying for the parents and the children - I have decided I am only buying for the children - Christmas is for chidlren anyway. I also asked my boss if instead of gifts we could just all bring in some food and have a nice breakfast on Christmas Eve since I have to work on Christmas Eve for half a day - mind as well have some nice food to eat and that cuts back on having to buy more gifts.

I have decided to try acupuncture to help with my stomach issues and tongue issues and may also help with my depression problems - I contacted a women and she said she could help me - I have my first appointment next Tuesday. I have also decided to stop going to the nutionist - he is not helping me - I have been going there for over 2 months now and have taking a ton of supplements and nothing is working.

As for John and I we are doing pretty well right now - we are still learning and still building on our marriage but I feel like the communication is flowing. We also have a plan in place. We are going to try and save all winter. Then in the Spring we are going to visit my brother and his family in CA and take a trip to Las Vegas and then in May or June we are going to try a FET. I think, hope, and pray by then I will be back to feeling normal again and our marriage will be back on track. It is nice to have a plan in place as I am a constant planner.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day.