When you least expect

I haven't been terribly good at blogging (again) recently. Busy weekends, away from the internet for Christmas etc etc. Just breaking the silence to post the below, from one of my favouries bloggers:

My name is Brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Although I probably knew that about myself already. I went to my ex-housemate, the Scientist's birthday party the other evening. It was at her house and I said I'd go because I like her and because I would hate it if I was throwing a party and nobody came. I wasn't really that keen though, and would have preferred to sit at home with the TV or some music and a book.

I think I've mentioned previously that I'm not good in large groups of people. Well, the party was no exception. The only people I knew there were the Scientist, her housemate, and the Scientist's ex-work colleague. The rest were mostly people she knows from a musical activity she does. I spent some time talking to her, a little talking to her housemate, and most of the evening talking to the ex-work colleague. I will certainly never be one of those people who wanders around all the rooms at a house party chatting to everyone.

That bit of the evening was ok, especially when the ex-work colleague confessed that she didn't like house parties either. Unfortunately she had to leave fairly early and I ended up sitting with six or seven people I didn't know, listening to them talking and trying to smile or laugh at the appropriate points. I think I contributed about two comments, excluding telling them where I work when they asked.

I stayed late enough not to look rude then decided to leave. I got up and made my way out of the room, and I'm sure as I went one or two of the people made comments about having scared me off. I guess they may have thought I was unfriendly and rude as I didn't talk much, but surely there's no need to comment while I'm still in the room? I must have become much thicker skinned over the years because it didn't actually bother me. I just thought "oh well, their problem not mine".

I'm not entirely sure where I am going with this post. At 35 I know I'm not suddenly going to be able to change my whole character and become the life and soul of the party. I just wish I came across as a semi-confident, interesting person, rather than an extremely shy, socially maladjusted one. All the advice about going out and doing things making it easier to meet men is all very well, but it's not going to work if I can only manage to speak to people I already know.

It's been a while and there isn't a great deal to report. I've become sort of lethargic about the whole online dating thing. There's been a few more longish messages between me and Scarf Guy, but he has made no mention of meeting up. Even if he had I haven't had many free weekends recently. I've had a few get togethers with friends and I've been on holiday and the few times I have had a weekend to myself I've just felt like vegging. Yes I could have suggested meeting myself, but I think the fact that I didn't probably indicates that I'm not that interested in him.

I've had the odd bit of interest from a couple of other eharmony guys but at the moment I'm really just feeling "can't be bothered" about it all. I can't put my finger on why. Maybe it feels like hard work? Harder than meeting someone in real life, getting to know them and things developing from there. I know though that if I don't make the effort I can't really sit around and complain. The ideal man isn't just going to appear from nowhere. But how I go about getting back my enthusiasm and energy I'm not sure.

I still have enthusiasm and energy in the rest of my life. I had a great, fun time on holiday with T, I've been happy spending time with friends and I had a really entertaining evening with my work colleagues the other week. I have various "dates" in my diary for the next month or two. Trouble is, none of them are with men.

It's been a hectic few weeks, mostly unrelated to online dating. I have been away from home for the last three weekends and will be next weekend two,which has left me tired, but I have had some wonderful times with friends.

Weekend 1 I was away watching a U2 concert with T. We both loved it, so much so that we decided to try to get tickets for the following weekend at a different venue. We managed to get some, plus somewhere to stay so had a rather short notice weekend 2 away. The concert was even better than the first (better atmosphere, better crowd, felt more intimate) and we both came away as huge fans, whereas prior to seeing them live I would have described us as casual fans. We loved the "classics" but didn't know too much else. Now I am having to stop myself from trying to tell everyone I talk to about how great they were - I'm sure I have detected a few glazed looks.

Weekend 3 I visited my best friend for a couple of days, then had a day out with E and A which involved a gallery, lunch, a beach, paddling in the sea and more food. This weekend coming I am visiting T for her birthday. I don't think I've had this many busy weekends in a row for years, but I'm not complaining, it's been a really great few weeks.

On the dating front, I am still communicating with Scarf Guy. We've both sent some really long messages so I feel I am getting to know a fair bit about him. I know some of you have suggested I meet him as soon as possible to see if there is any chemistry, but I think as he is the first one, I am happy with the long messages, then maybe a phone call before meeting in person. The messages are giving me practice at just communicating with a potential date. I'm ok at talking to male friends, but the potential date aspect makes me very nervous. I hope by the time we meet (assuming we do) I will feel as if I "know" him, will have things to talk about with him and will feel more relaxed with him. That's the theory anyway.

No more word from Bermuda Man so I think he's no. Two more guys have responded, a teacher who I'll call The Teacher, and a guy with a rather nice smile, who I find most attractive of the three. I also have a mountain of matches to wade through and either reject or contact. I haven't really been checking my account much recently. I will keep you posted of any developments.

Just a word on the title of this, it's a U2 lyric that I love, from a song written about/to Michael Hutchence after his suicide. It, and the rest of the song, have been popping into my head a lot recently, and I love the sentiment of it, that no matter how bad things may feel right now, it will pass, and it will get better. I have couple of people in my life who I have needed to say that to recently and in one case I emailed a link to the song. It felt a soppy thing to do, but also completely appropriate. There are some things that songs, poems etc can express better than I ever could.

I have now moved to "open communication" with Scarf Guy, which means we can now exchange proper messages. He sent the first, quite short as he was sending from an internet cafe while on holiday, but friendly. He told me a little about himself and asked a couple of things about me. He sent it earlier in the week, but I've only just got round to replying this evening. My message was longer than his, and hopefully struck a friendly tone and wasn't too boring.

I am still waiting for Barbados Man to reply to my last lot of questions. And a new guy has sent me questions. One is about how romantic I am, another about my idea of a romantic date, and a third about how physically affectionate I am (do I like hand holding etc). I am really not sure how to answer those. The multiple choices didn't include "no idea, never been in a romantic situation or been affectionate with a man"...This guy's profile put me off a little too. He'd written "dont" and "Im" (i.e. unpunctuated) and that is one of my absolute pet hates. It really doesn't take that long to put the apostrophe in, and without it the words are just plain wrong. Receiving messages spelt like that would drive me mad, so I may give him a miss.

In other news there is not a huge amount going on. I have had quite a lazy day today watching DVDs for the afternoon and evening. I had several which I'd bought ages ago but not got round to watching. It's been quite enjoyable. Next weekend promises to be a more exciting as I'm off to a concert with T.

And last but not least thank you to those readers who have emailed me, it's good to learn a little more about you :)

Nothing exciting to report on the online dating front. I have continued communication with the second guy (who I'm going to call Barbados Man because he says he'd like to own a home there one day). We've exchanged must haves and can't stands and there are no dealbreakers there. I've sent the second lot of questions to him.

I have some questions to answer from Scarf Guy. The answers are free text rather than multiple choice and I need to take some time to think about my answers, but have not really been in the right mood this weekend. I will see if I can get them done tomorrow evening.

I felt a little sad yesterday evening. I spent the day with T and her mum, lunching, drinking wine, mooching and doing a little shopping. It was a fun day and when I arrived home alone to an empty house I felt a bit sad at the prospect of the rest of the evening. I found it rather odd as I do like (and need) time spent alone and enjoy my own company and being able to do exactly what I want. I think if I had spent the day alone I would have been perfectly ok about being alone for the evening too. I guess it was just the contrast between a fun, busy day and a quiet evening which affected me. Anyway I've felt fine today.

Ok, the third topic for this post is the main reason I am writing this evening. I have a statcounter on my blog and can log in and see some details of who is visiting the site - ISP, country, what web browser they have etc. The same visitors seem to pop up quite regularly and I've been wondering about you all - who are you, why do you read the blog. Of course I know who some of you are from your comments (and I really enjoy the interaction we have and very much appreciate your advice, suggestions and support) but the rest I have no idea about.

I'd love to hear from you - drop me a line at whenyouleastexpect@gmail.com.

I am still communicating with Scarf Guy. I sent him some questions which required free text answers, rather than multiple choice, and he has answered them and sent his own back. He still sounds an interesting person, with some likes in common with me (e.g. travel) and others which I don't do often but enjoy when I do (e.g. walking in the countryside). He generally seems to have a similar outlook on life to me.

Slightly excitingly, someone actually started communication with me. He sent me a wink as an "ice-breaker", I sent him back a message saying let's communicate, so he sent me some questions. He looks physically more like the kind of guy I usually find attractive and I was more keen on him than Scarf Guy until I got back his answers to my first lot of questions.

One of them I sent was "how do you feel about your partner having friends of the opposite sex?". His answer was the most negative of the 4 choices, that he would feel uncomfortable with his partner having friends of the opposite sex. This was not a great answer from my point of view. I do have male friends. A couple of them I am pretty close to and see fairly often. The others I see less often, but I enjoy their company and have fun with them.

I don't think I would be particularly happy in a relationship with someone who felt uncomfortable with my friendships. I would make me feel uneasy about seeing my friends, knowing that my partner didn't like it, and I would worry about being pressured to give them up. And I am not giving up my friends for anything. They're my friends, I love them and they're part of what makes me me.

I arrived home from work feeling a little deflated today. Work was a bit Monday-ish and we were low on staff so I was busy doing all sorts that I don't usually do. And I'm starting to feel like my venture into online dating is never going to amount to anything.

The one guy who responded to my questions ended up closing the match. At least half of the others I've contacted have closed the match without answering the questions. There are currently 22 guys who I have sent questions to who haven't responded in any way. And then there's the ones I wasn't at all interested in or wasn't sure about who have closed the match one me or vice versa.

I had my first questions sent to me at the end of last week. If it had happened a week earlier I think I would've been quite excited but the general jadedness that had set in by last week, as well as who they were from, prevented that.

The questions were sent by a guy who from his photo looks a little odd. He is dressed in a black leather jacket (a formal style one rather than a casual one) and a scarf and is sitting on an armchair inside a house. He's not smiling or looking animated in any way. It looks as if he set up a tripod and put his camera on self-timer. I hadn't actually got round to closing the match because his profile sounded vaguely interesting and I wondered whether he might post more photos and this one would turn out to be just a bad picture.

He did post a couple more photos when he sent the questions and they weren't really much better. One was him in the same outfit standing in front of a car, the other a close up head and shoulders shot. He looks quite stocky, he has shaved/very short hair and generally doesn't look like the men I am usually attracted to. All the men I have contacted so far have been slim-ish, have had hair and have not resembled him in any way.

But in a fit of fed-up-ness at the lack of interest shown by anyone else, rather than close the match I responded to his questions. I'm beginning to wonder whether I should lower my standards when it comes to looks. I don't think they're particularly high, but judging by how many of the men I though attractive have closed the match, maybe I am. Maybe I am going for men who are much more attractive than me and thus out of my league. Or maybe I need to go for men with a different look to my usual "type", as it seems my usual type isn't attracted to me. I don't know.

All of this gets me to thinking about why no man has ever asked me out. Just about every woman I know in real life has been asked out at some point in some way, whether by a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, a friend of a friend, an acquaintance or someone else. It may not have been an official "let's go on a date", it may have been more of a mutual agreement but it's still better than I have done.

I think I need to stop here, as I feel myself about to cover ground that I'm sure I've covered more than enough previously.

I got my first proper eharmony response last night but it's left me a bit puzzled. One guy has answered my questions.

Four of the answers made us seem quite similar (he likes time "for his own personal reflection", he is usually early), the fifth less so as it said he doesn't like travel and prefers to stay close to home. And here's me, just booked my second trip to another continent this year. I'm someone who wants to see as much of the world as my budget will allow.

I decided not to reject him just on the basis of one question and went ahead and answered his. One of them asked about a dream holiday destination, and there was the option of writing in your own answer if none of the pre-set ones fitted. I used the opportunity to put in an answer which made clear my love for travel, figuring that if he hated to idea of dating someone who likes to see the world, he could back out. He didn't. He posted his list of must haves and can't stands.

And that is what has got me puzzled. Most of them were pretty normal, such as I can't stand someone who doesn't keep clean and I must have someone who is enjoys the humorous side of life. One however I didn't really understand. It was "I must have someone who is reserved and traditional in their sexual needs". What on earth does that mean??? How can you be traditional in your sexual needs? Does it mean you always let the man initiate sex? Does it mean you don't want sex very often? Does it mean you're not very sexually adventurous? I have no idea. Plus, surely everyone has their own idea of what being reserved in their sexual needs entails.

I should point out that the wording is eharmony's not his, but as he has picked it he must know what he means by reserved and traditional.

Even if I did understand the statement I'm not sure if I know whether I am reserved or not. I have no experience with a partner, and I don't tend to discuss sex with my friends, so can't really compare what I think my needs are with their actual needs to decide whether I am reserved.

The next step is to send off my must haves and can't stands which I haven't done yet. I'm too busy puzzling over this. Part of me is tempted to carry on communicating until we get to open commununication so that I can ask him about it. Is it just me puzzled by this? Does anyone else understand?

Well only a minor one, but a response nonetheless. One of the guys I requested a photo from has posted one. He must have seen my profile and photos and he hasn't ignored my request, he hasn't closed the match, instead he has posted his photo, which seems positive. I have now sent him my questions so we'll see what happens.

Some more of the guys I'd sent questions to have closed the match, but I've sent off questions to a few more. I currently have 12 I am "communicating" with, which in reality means I have sent them questions and I am waiting for their responses. A little disappointing that not a single one has responded, but as recommended by the website I will give it a couple of weeks before I become totally disillusioned with the whole thing.

In other news I have another holiday booked. I had a lovely day with T yesterday, much of it spent on the Internet researching flights and hotels. We found a good deal and are off to Chicago later in the year. As we were talking yesterday, I did wonder what she might think of me signing up for online dating. We spoke about it briefly once, when a mutual friend was trying to persuade me to sign up, and she said she would NEVER be desperate enough to try it. I hope she would understand that to me it's just another way to meet men, as I have failed to meet anyone I connect with in my day to day life.

Well there isn't really much to update on eharmony. I sent off my questions to guy number one, then looked through the rest of my matches and sent them to four more. I got home tonight and had yet more matches, so sent off questions to four of them. I'm not really sure how many is a sensible number to contact, but based on advice from Ecrivain, I've contacted all those who interested me. I also requested a picture from a couple of guys who sounded interesting.

Last time I logged on a grand total of zero men had answered my questions, which doesn't worry me yet as the first ones I contacted have only had a day or two. I've just checked now and two of them have "closed the match", which is disappointing but not the end of the world.

What is annoying is that one of them used the option of "other" for the reason. Especially so since all the guys who have closed the match without any contact from me have also said "other". Really??? None of the other options was applicable? I've closed a few matches myself and have not used other once. My main one has been that after reading the profile I'm not interested in the match. I also used age gap once. Is it me or is other a cop-out? If it's the way I look couldn't they at least say they'd rather not say?

Of all the many people I've been matched with so far none has opened communication with me, though some have viewed my profile. Maybe they haven't paid the subscription, or maybe they haven't logged on recently, who knows.

Some of the guys didn't appear to have made any effort whatsoever with their introductory information, putting in random strings of letters for several answers. Needless to say, I closed those straight away. Others had bad grammar and spelling which I find exceedingly irritating, but as long as it wasn't horrendous I have ignored it so far. A few had given answers which didn't make sense, were pretentious, or were just plain bizarre. I guess I am coming across a much wider range of and many more men that I do in day to day life. It really is eye opening.

On a completely different note, my friend T is coming to visit tomorrow, so I should have a fun day.

Quick update - I just decided on the first guy to communicate with, reached a page of 57 questions from which I must choose 5 to be sent to him, and I am unable to view the lists of answers he will get to choose from! Well actually, most lists didn't pop up at all at first, then I saw two or three lists, then I tried to view again the ones that had worked and they didn't work! Javascript seems not to be working properly on the website(I think I've checked all the settings my end that might cause it)....Please excuse the rant, but having decided to try this I really don't need the technology to put up barriers. I emailed the site so hopefully it will get fixed, but who knows when.

After a lot of procrastination I finally got round to completing my e-harmony questionnaire last night. I thought there was just one question to go but there were several and when I finished I only had time to have a brief look at my first 7 matches. I also hadn't paid to join so couldn't see any photos. My initial impression was that most of the matches seemed like nice guys.

I have this evening just paid for a 6 month subscription and can now see the photos of yesterday's matches and some more added today. Seeing the photos has been an interesting experience, and has got me to thinking about whether I am shallow and overly concerned with looks. A small number of the guys I looked at and thought, mmm not bad looking, not quite Brad Pitt, but not bad. The rest I really wasn't sure about. A couple I looked at and thought, no way, I don't think I would ever be able to find him attractive . One had long, greasy looking hair, seemed to be fairly overweight and generally, to me at least, looked like the stereotype of someone who spends all hours of the day and night computer gaming (a horrendous pre-judgement I know). One of his aims was to become a professional poker player which kind of put me off too.

My feelings about the rest were that they were "normal", "ordinary" looking, that I wasn't repulsed and that maybe attraction could grow. One common link between a number of them was that they looked so old! And really, they're not. They're aged from about 35 to 40. I think my problem here is that I forget that I am actually 35 (had a birthday last month) and therefore not terribly young myself. I may feel no different to when I was 18, but I do look different. I probably need to accept that I'm not going to end up with a gorgeous, young twenty-something. However, comparing the e-harmony guys to men I know who are a similar age, some of the e-harmony ones do look so much older. I'm sure my feelings on this are not helped by the fact that A, my last "crush" (and still my friend), is in his twenties.

I do generally think that compatability is more important that having a high level of attraction. However, I think I would need to at least think that attraction was possible.

So what to do next? I ought to be brave and make contact with some of these guys. I will probably read their profiles again and choose the ones which I am most interested in, then assuming I am not repulsed by their photo, I will contact them. Eharmony does have something called guided communication which may make things easier as you apparently don't just go straight to sending long messages.

Part of me is very nervous about all of this, and actually I do feel a little sick at the thought of what happens next. Might someone contact me? What expectations might they have? If I contact someone might they reject me? And of course that old chestnut, how do I explain my lack of relationship history? I also am not sure of some of my answers to the questionnaire - I had to list must haves and can't haves in a partner but with no experience I just had to guess what would be a must have for me.

Of course, it is entirely possible that I will go back into procrastination mode and not bother to contact anyone, but I will try very hard to avoid that.

Just time for a very quick post tonight plus I think I am still shocked over today's happenings. I (and my colleagues) found out earlier that someone I've worked with for a few months died earlier this week. It was a complete shock for everyone and some who had known her for several years were understandably extremely upset. It's been a hard day at work; some of my colleagues went home, those of us who were left mainly sat and stared at our monitors unable to concentrate on anything.

There is more story behind this, and her death, though shocking, may not have been totally unexpected. However I am not sure quite how much detail to go into, as at the moment it feels as if it ought to be kept private and not be broadcast to the world (maybe I'm thinking that out of respect for her family, though they are unlikely to ever read this).

What I will say is that although I didn't know her well, I know she had a good heart. And today puts whatever problems I may have into perspective. RIP.

Okay, so I haven't posted for what seems like forever and I don't even have a proper excuse. I haven't been at work till late every day, I haven't been out socialising till midnight every evening, I haven't been on a month long holiday, I've just been plain lazy. I'm still enjoying the novelty of housemates to chat to, of having a communal area to lounge around in and I just haven't been able to summon up the will to blog. I have written various posts in my head over the past couple of months, I just haven't got round to putting them onto paper (or rather laptop hard drive).

Here's a few more haves and haven'ts from the last couple of months:

- I haven't found a boyfriend

- I haven't lost my virginity

- I have started to sign up to e-harmony

- I haven't finished signing up to e-harmony as I got stuck at the part where I was asked for what goals I have/had had in my life. My answer would be available to any of my matches and the length was unlimited. I was a little daunted by this, decided to go back to it later and so far haven't done. I had no idea what sort of goals I should be writing about. I don't see myself as a particularly goal driven person. I would like to be happy. I'd like to be healthy. I want my friends and family to be happy and healthy. I want to have friends I can trust and rely on. I want to do a job which gives me satisfaction and where I feel I make a difference. I want to earn enough to be able live without debt and to be able to take a holiday of two a year. I'd like to see more of the world and experience different cultures and countries. And yes, I'd like to have relationship. Is this enough? Should I have a goal of climbing a mountain, or something else exciting?

- I have been swimming a few times

- I haven't been swimming as much as I want to (again laziness) and need to

- I haven't signed up for any evening classes

- I have sometimes felt quite content

- I haven't felt too stressed in the new job

- I have been on holiday to New York (for the second time)with my friend T

- I have loved being in New York

- I have enjoyed spending time with T, and with Sociable Guy, and E and A who've all been to visit me

- I have been reading blogs even though I haven't been writing, or commenting much

- I have been annoyed with myself for not trying online dating and for not signing up for an evening class

- I haven't socialised with any new people in my new city. I could arrange to go out with my female housemate who is very friendly and easy to get on with, but I think she has very different preferences to me on a night out. She goes clubbing and goes out planning to drink and get drunk. I prefer to go to the pub or out for dinner. I do drink and I do sometimes get drunk but getting drunk is never the main aim. I don't think her male friends would be my type anyway

- I have just finished a work related training course which was useful and fun. I met some interesting women from my company who I may meet up with in future

- I haven't felt particularly sad or upset or distressed about being single

- I have wondered whether this lack of sadness is because I have become numb to my feelings and have just given up because the possiblity of ever meeting anyone seems so remote

- I have looked at many women with their husbands/boyfriends and thought the classic "if she can find someone why on earth can't I?". I don't think I will ever stop doing that

In the past week I've had a couple of conversations about online dating and dating agencies. The first was when a work colleague mentioned that she once had a second job and that it was because she wasn't meeting anyone (i.e. men) at her main job. She didn't meet any men there so joined some sort of dating agency. She was quite open about it and others in the office laughed about how they used to help her choose who to go out with next, and how they used to look forward to hearing how the dates went. She said that the 6 months she was doing it were the most fun she's ever had, going for dinner, seeing films etc with all sorts of men. And she did end up meeting the man she married.

The next conversation was with one of my housemates who randomly asked if I was looking for a boyfriend. I stumbled a bit over my answer and said something along the lines of "well, not particularly, but I wouldn't complain if someone came along". I couldn't very well say "I've never actually had a boyfriend, I have no idea why not, but I think I really would like one" could I? She then went on to ask if I'd ever tried internet dating and I said I hadn't but that I knew friends who had. She seemed to quite like the idea and was of the opinion that while in the past it was only so-called "desperate" people who tried it, now it's a much more "acceptable" way for anyone to meet someone new. I agree with her about that, the embarrassment factor is certainly less nowadays, and the more people, like my colleague, are open about it, the more it will be seen as a "normal" way to meet men.

However, I'm not sure whether it's something that I personally want to do. Not because of any embarrassment amongst friends, but for various other reasons. I'm shy and don't have much confidence when meeting new people. How successful would I be at picking up the phone and trying to converse? I fear there would be lengthy silences. I have no relationship history. How do I know what I want in a man? How do I answer the questions about previous relationships, especially if the question comes up early on? Would it put a guy off even before he'd got to really know me?

I know that with internet dating at least you know that the guy is definitely looking for a relationship, and you therefore hopefully avoid all the "is he, isn't he interested" worry, but I think I would much prefer to know someone as a friend first. I'd rather get to know them without worrying or feeling any pressure about where things are going, and I'd want to let them get to know me as a person before any awkward questions came up. Trouble is, I've made male friends but none has become anything more and I'm not having much luck meeting new friends.

Hearing people talk about online dating has made me wonder if I should just think what the hell and give it a go. Surely I can live with any embarrassment? It's not going to kill me after all. And if a guy is scared off by my relationship history, would I really want him? Or should I try clubs or evening classes in my new city first? Maybe I will investigate some websites.

Finally I have made some time to blog. I'm not quite sure what I've been doing the past few weeks which has stopped me from writing. I seem to have been busy without really being busy. I've only been out one evening and away for one weekend. Time seems to have been swallowed up in finishing unpacking, shopping for extra bits and pieces needed for my room and lounging around in front of the TV.

Actually lounging around in front of the TV has been nice, as for the first time in ages I'm living somewhere with a communal living room, so I've spent a fair bit of time in there with my female (now ex) housemate (who I'll call The Scientist, because she is one), watching TV and chatting. She has just moved out into a place with one of her friends but she invited me out for a drink one evening last week and I think that's going to be a regular thing. It was just a quiet weeknight drink but good to be out nonetheless and I met a couple of her friends. It seems a shared house is a way to meet people.

My new housemate who is moving in this week is very friendly, and on first impressions appears more bubbly and outgoing than The Scientist. She has also mentioned going out for drinks so things sound promising there too.

I haven't got round to doing any of my regular sporty things, or to joining any clubs yet but hope to do that in the next couple of weeks. I need to get myself into a routine. I am doing a sponsored sporting activity this summer so really need to get training.

As for men...well nobody promising so far, but my job is in a very large workplace and there are rather a lot of men about, I just need to work out how I get to meet them. Chatty Guy made me smile the other week. I had contacted him a couple of times along with some other people to arrange for a group of us to meet up and he'd replied. Then about a week later he texted me one evening, completely out of the blue to ask how things were going. I tried not to read anything into it, but I did find it nice. And surprising.

I have realised recently that I'm surprised when any man shows any interest in me, even if just as friends. Whether it be Sociable Guy, Chatty Guy, A, or someone else, any email or text asking how I am, a mention that they miss me, or that they want to arrange to visit me, any indication that they care about me and want to spend time with me surprises me. I guess it's partly because I've never been in a relationship, and am therefore not used to men wanting to spend time with me. I suspect it may also be self esteem related in that I don't feel I am interesting enough for men to want to be around me (which also stems from never having had a relationship). Whatever the cause, I am always surprised (but pleased) when any man wants to spend time in my company.

On a completely different note, I went to the hairdressers last week and mentioned that I'd just moved, and said something about a new job. Her first comment? "Oh, did you move with your partner?" I was a little taken aback. Was that really the thing most interesting about my move? Not why this city? Not what was so good about the job? Not how am I finding living here? But have I moved with a partner. Is it that abnormal for me not have have a partner? For me to have moved alone? For me to have moved for myself and nobody else? I don't think so, but she seemed to, as her next comment was "Ooh aren't you brave?" Yes it's nerve wracking moving to somewhere new, where you don't know anyone, but I wouldn't describe it as brave. I've done it before when I went to university. And I've only moved an hour or two down the road, I'm not at the other end of the country, let alone the other side of the world.

Well, I’ve finally found a little window of time in which to do some blogging. I have successfully moved to my new city where I’m living in a shared house, which I’m really enjoying after being in a flat for so long. I’m only sharing with two others, which is unusual, as most of the places I looked at were for four or more. It means that the house feels quite roomy as we have extra living space.

My housemates are fine, one is a guy I’ve hardly seen as he’s been working long hours, the other is a woman who I’ve spent a fair bit of time chatting to. The house feels like home already and I haven’t felt uncomfortable living with strangers, which I had been a little worried about. Unfortunately the female housemate is moving out soon, and another woman, who I met briefly, is moving in, so I’ll be starting from scratch again getting to know her. I don’t actually feel too daunted by that, certainly not compared to how I felt when I moved away to university. After my family had dropped me off I spent several hours hiding in my room, listening to my flatmates arriving and meeting each other, too shy and nervous to go and introduce myself. I have definitely moved on since then!

My new job is going okay so far. My colleagues are a mixed bunch but very friendly and some of them invited me out for a drink after work at the end of my first week, which I never knew to happen in my last place. I think the ones around my age and younger do socialise together sometimes and some of them seem to know a lot of people, so hopefully that will be one way to meet new people. My female housemate has invited me out too, so that should be another way. I have yet to join any clubs or do any of my sporting things, but will try to sort something out in the next week or two. One thing I don’t want to do is get into the rut of sitting at home every single evening feeling sorry for myself. At the moment though I am still unpacking , sorting out my room and feeling tired from absorbing so much new information.

I miss my friends from the old place. E and A were wonderful while I was moving and provided a lot of help. In fact I don’t think I could have done it without them. They’re planning to come and visit soon, which will be great.

All in all things are okay at the moment.

Just a very quick update to say I'm still here but have been far too busy in recent weeks. I've been packing, tying up loose ends in my old job, saying goodbye to friends, moving, unpacking, starting my new job, getting to know my housemates...I'm exhausted and cannot wait for the weekend.

I'm feeling quite positive at the moment. The new job seems to be going okay and I'm feeling fairly confident in it and finding my knowledge is more extensive than I thought. And after much persuasion my friend T went to the doctor and asked for help so I'm hoping things will start getting better for her.

I hope to have time at the weekend for a longer post, though will have to fit it in around more unpacking as I'm still surrounded by boxes. I have thrown so much away yet still seem to have enough to fill 3 houses. Sometimes I wish I was a little more minimalist...

Today has been a slightly strange day. It was much busier than a normal Friday because I have a lot of things I need to complete at work before I leave. For a lot of the day I was also worrying about my friend T, who I had an email from yesterday. The older guy at her work continues to treat her badly and she‘s not taking it well. She seems to be very depressed, and I think I really need to persuade her to get professional help. I really hope I can talk her into it.

Earlier this evening I was at work a little later than usual, and as I sat alone in the office Chatty Guy walked past, did a double take, then wandered in. I expected him to say hi, ask why I was there so late then disappear, but he sat himself down and we chatted for about 20 minutes. I could’ve kicked myself after he’d left though, because I had an opportunity to spend a bit more time with him and didn’t take it. He’s considering moving into the same complex of flats I live in and said he hadn’t seen the inside of one yet. At that point I should’ve said he was welcome to drop in to mine and take a look, but I didn’t. I thought it, but I stupidly didn’t say it. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do so on Monday.

There’s part of me that wishes that if he isn’t interested he would just stop being quite so friendly. It makes it very difficult for me to tell whether he’s just being friendly or if there’s something more to it. I guess that’s just how society is nowadays though, with men and women often being genuinely just friends, with no expectation of anything else. In the past he might only have approached me if he was interested, but now....who knows who’s interested and who’s not. I have male friends, and he has female friends, so it’s actually normal for us to be as we are with each other.

I spent the rest of the evening sorting through cupboards and throwing things away, or having a good clear out as my family would say. I couldn’t believe the sort of things I’d hoarded. Random birthday and Christmas cards with no particular significance, years old job rejection letters, and all sorts of hand written notes relating to job hunting 11 years ago. I seem to have kept drafts of almost every application letter I ever sent. It was interesting and a little poignant to read them now, to see how I sold myself then, what my hopes were for my future career, what I wanted to do with my life.

My life certainly hasn’t gone the way I hoped it would back then, but there have been interesting times, I’ve learnt a lot, seen some of the world and I’ve made some great friends. There is of course the whole never had boyfriend thing, which I definitely did not expect to still be true all this time later, and which is the aspect of my life I’m most unhappy with. However, the forthcoming new job and home are taking my mind off that at the moment.

A few colleagues at work have made comments about maybe finding myself a man when I move, which I think indicates that I’m seen as the eternally single woman at my workplace. Some people have said change begets change, which I suppose can be true, but I’m not that hopeful. If it hasn’t happened so far in the various places I’ve lived, why would it just because I moved and started a new job? I will though make the effort to put myself out there. I’ll do classes and clubs and generally try to meet people as I won’t know anyone. One advantage I do have is that I am more confident now than I was when I first moved to my current town. I’m still essentially shy, but I can make conversation (sort of) and I’m not scared to walk into a class or club alone.

We shall see.

I’ve been a little AWOL from blogging over the past couple of weeks, partly due to travelling for Christmas and New Year, partly due to being busy getting ready to move to my new job and city.

I spent Christmas with my family in another part of the country, and as there were only three of us on the actual day it was a quiet one. Also the family issues which started at the end of last year are ongoing so my dad wasn’t as happy as he could have been. Still, it was good to see them and to visit various other relatives who live in the same area.

New Year was spent with my best friend and her family, again in a different part of the country. As she has two young children New Year’s Eve didn’t involve any partying but it was fun nonetheless, spent at home chatting, drinking wine and playing cards (wow, I really know how to party don’t I?).

I then spent the final couple of days off work looking for a home in my new city. I decided to find a room in a shared house to give me a chance to get to know the various areas of the city before committing to my own place. It also means I will immediately know at least some people, which will hopefully mean I can do a bit of socialising and maybe meet others. I saw a few places, some ok, some that I would have hated to live in (dirty house, awful area of the city), but quite quickly found one I really liked and I have taken it. It’s in a pleasant area, the house feels homely, my room is a good size and my new housemates seem friendly.

I’ll be moving there and starting the new job later this month. I’m really quite excited about moving, especially now I’ve found a home and hope it will be the change I need. I’m also nervous, about moving to a new place where I don’t know anyone and about starting a new job for the first time in a long time.

I spent a lovely evening at the weekend with E and A, who’ve now moved in together. They’ve already said they’ll come and visit me and have invited me to come back here and visit them. I’m very much going to miss them and it will be very strange not seeing them regularly, but I know I’m not going to lose them as friends.

Chatty Guy is still, well, chatty. He made a comment today about getting me drunk at my leaving drinks/dinner, but it sounded like a general “we’ll all get you drunk” so I’m not reading anything into that (or maybe I am or I wouldn’t be writing about it?).

I have a lot of finishing up in my current job, clearing out, packing and saying goodbye to friends to do over the next few weeks, and I think it will probably turn out to be quite an emotional time.