When you least expect

I almost forgot what today is. The internet reminded me. May the world never ever forget.

You may have guessed that the letter in my last post was to my friend T. I didn't send a real one in the end as I eventually heard from her.

Things are not okay with her or us. A text that I sent saying I was upset and confused about why she was ignoring me finally got an email response from her. An email which can be summed up by saying that she finds it too hurtful having friends so she feels she is better off alone, with no friends.

The long version said that she had spoken to no friends since Christmas and was adjusting to being alone. It talked about how she had realised over Christmas/New year that she "has no-one". It described how she cried herself to sleep on New Year's Eve. It declared that at "times which matter", times when you're supposed to be with loved ones, such as New Year's Eve, she has no-one. It said that to her friends she is an inconvenience. It said that her friends don't make her feel good. It said that she couldn't stand another year of heartache and wondering if this year someone will invite her to do something in New Year's Eve, whether this year people who accept an invite to her birthday celebration will actually turn up. It said that she won't have to wonder about those things if she has no friends. It said she didn't want to hurt me.

It didn't say anything about the times when she wasn't alone, about the numerous weekends I spent with her last year, about the occasional coffees, lunches and dinners she had with other friends, about the Christmas Eve spent with family friends and described as wonderful. It ignored those times so I mentioned them in my reply. I tried to remind her that she does have friends, that she does have people who care about her, and that nobody has ever described her as an inconvenience. I said I didn't understand what she was saying; did she want to end our friendship?.

Another email arrived from her. It again spoke about being lonely and miserable New Year's Eve and not having anyone to go out with on her birthday. It said that she thinks the relationship I have with my best friend blinds me to everyone else, that there are other people who love me, who want to celebrate my birthday with me, who want to share "special events" with me, but they don't get the chance. It ended with saying she was sorry but that I will be okay because I have other friends.

I don't know what to think. My mind is all over the place. Mutual friends of ours have seen her and said she seems very down and tearful. Suddenly deciding to end all your friendships because of a handful of days spent alone seems perhaps irrational (one of the days was her birthday though, so I completely understand her upset about that). She has low self esteem and confesses to hating herself. All of this suggests she might be depressed again. I have tried to tell her that I am here for her and want to help if I can.

However, although half of the second email was about other people, half was directed at me. Is it simply depression or is there any truth in what she says about me? When she says that other "people" want to spend my birthday with me, she means her, as no other friend has ever expressed that wish. They send cards, they send a text on the day, but they don't voice a desperation to spend the day with me.

I am touched that she feels that way, but I have for the past several years spent my birthday with my best friend. It's what we do. Should I feel guilty about that because T isn't getting her chance to spend the day with me? I feel I can't hurt my best friend by dumping her on my birthday and at other times we spend together in order to spend them with T instead. Is that wrong? I may be wrong but don't think so. My best friend has been my best friend for 18 years and is the most important friend in my life.

I love T and have had some wonderful times with her and have considered her a great friend. I have over the past few years spent more and more time with her, last year probably more than I spent with my best friend. But it doesn't seem to be enough; she seems to feel that I am not spending the "right" days with her. Has all the time I've spent with her meant nothing? Does our friendship only mean something to her if she gets to spend certain days with me? It's feeling as if she is wanting, needing or expecting more from our friendship than I can give. There was also perhaps a hint of jealousy of my best friend.

And yet still I feel guilty. I try to be as good a friend as I can be to all of my friends. I cannot be everything to all of them and I cannot give all of them all of my time, but I do what I can and it upsets me that T seems to think I have failed as a friend.

I replied to her email. I told her there were times last year when I felt torn between her and my best friend and felt bad for having to turn one of them down due to plans with the other. I was honest and said that abandoning my best friend in favour of her on days like my birthday would hurt my best friend as much as T is hurting now, so I can't do it. I told her that having other friends does not make it okay when one friendship is lost. The others don't replace the missing friend and the loss hurts. I am not sure she will like my email. I couldn't promise her what she seems to want.

Dear Friend,
I have no idea why you are ignoring me. I'm not even sure that you are ignoring me, but the lack of response to my texts and emails for 10 days and the fact that you're not answering your phone means I have to assume that I am indeed being ignored. You are usually in touch several times a week, often just a quick text or two, but contact nonetheless.

I last heard from you just before New Year. You seemed fine. You sent 3 or 4 texts that day, I replied but my texts went unacknowledged. I assumed you were busy. Since then, nothing.

I sent you a Happy New Year on the morning of the 1st but heard nothing from you all day. I thought it a bit odd as you never usually fail to send birthday/Christmas/New year/other special occasion wishes, but concluded that maybe you were ill with the flu that's been going round.

I sent a quick, silly text the next day. No reply. I sent an email the day after. I said I hoped all was ok with you. No reply. The next day I texted to ask if all was ok. The day after, my text said I was getting worried about you. Friday's said I was here if you want to talk. Still I heard nothing from you.

Saturday I phoned you. The phone rang and then went to voicemail. You didn't call me back as you normally would. I called again this evening. Straight to voicemail this time. I contacted a mutual friend to see if she'd seen or heard from you. She's going to email you at work tomorrow. If you reply I will be relieved that you are ok, but also extremely hurt that you are ignoring me.

This isn't the first time you've stopped contacting me and replying to me. I'm looking back over the previous times to try to work out why. The first time, you were depressed and had turned off your phone and hidden it as you didn't want to speak to anyone. I can understand that and forgive it. But that time you had been showing signs of depression for a while. This time you seemed perfectly happy and fairly positive last time I heard from you.

Another time you went AWOL for a week when you were ill in bed with bad flu. If that's the case this time surely over a week into being ill you can manage a quick text to say "I'm ill"? You know from my texts that I am worried, or if you haven't seen them you must realise that I will be wondering why I haven't heard from you. I assume if you were so ill that you can't pick up the phone that somebody would have let me know. If being ill is the reason it's also probably forgivable.

The other reason you have ignored me in the past is because you were angry or offended over something I said or did. You gave no indication that that you were feeling that way and looking back over my texts of that last day I can't see anything offensive, upsetting or controversial in them. From past experience though I know that you can be upset by something nobody else would have a problem with.

If you are angry with me over something and are handling it by simply ignoring me, then we need to talk. You cannot simply disappear when something happens in our friendship which you don't like. Tell me that you're angry, tell me what about and tell me that you need time away from the friendship, and I will give you time. Tell me that you're angry and that you need to talk it through with me, and I will happily talk it through. But do not just disappear with no warning or explanation. It hurts. It worries me.

Previously I have sent you all sorts of texts and emails begging you to let me know you're ok. I am not doing that this time as it makes the hurt and worry worse. I do wonder whether you do this to provoke a reaction, to get me to tell you how much I care, and to beg you to get in touch. I wonder whether you are testing my friendship. I hope I am wrong to wonder that.

In the past I have travelled to your town to try to see you. You have never even acknowledged that I did that. I don't think I can risk rejection again by doing it this time.

I don't know where we go from here. Our mutual friend will let me know tomorrow whether she hears from you. If she does but you carry on ignoring me I have no idea what to do. I can't force you to reply, or pick up the phone. I guess I just wait. Send an occasional text or email.

At what point do I give up on hearing from you? If you re-appear and you were ill or depressed I forgive you and we can go on as we were. We've had a great past few months and have some good things planned for this year. But if it turns out you're doing this through anger then we need to talk. And if you can't or won't talk then a version of this letter will be heading your way. I cannot cope with this happening every few months.

I really hope you're alright. I hope you're not depressed again. I hope out mutual friend hears from you despite what that might tell me about why you're ignoring me. If she cannot get hold of you either then we have a completely different problem but I'm not thinking about that yet.

Love and best wishes

K xxx

PS I had a disagreement with my best friend today. I phoned her, she answered, we talked and everything is now fine. Why can't we do that?