My bf Jaslyn asked me a strange question yesterday, she asked "who will you take a bullet for?", in other words, "who are you willing to give up your life for?" Family members aside, I told her the answer is pretty obvious becoz I can totally imagine myself jumping in front of the person to take anything bad for her. And around her, even though I feel comfortable, I am always very aware of the surroundings in a way such that should any harm comes her way (touchwood), I would be able to protect her. But all these 'actions' occur in this place called the brain and is not shown so no one knew except for me. I did not let her know either becoz I was afraid she will feel pressurised when with me, and that's just the way I protect her even though SG is pretty safe. And it does sound a bit extreme/creepy isn't it if I were to say it? And sceptics/critics are probably going to say I'm bullshitting. My conscience is clear regardless.

Anyway, I've been blogging about my relationship issues..after all this while, I've reviewed myself and..

I must say I am the kind of guy who doesn't really say out my plans because I would usually like to have everything in place before announcing. And Jaslyn did say I am not a romantic guy, so with all these, it confirms that I am a boring guy. In fact, I've felt that way since ages ago. A guy who plans ahead and not spontaneous is definitely not going to be as exciting. So yup, this sums up me in a very brief manner. At this moment, I do not feel like revealing more..perhaps, the next time I feel like blogging again, I might reveal more.

I know my mistake le, at least I hope you could slowly open up to me? And not continue on with zw. I am not asking you to not be friends with him, but just reject him and not warm up to him? Try treating him like how you have been treating me and see his response? *haha* jk..i know you won't do it..coz you don't wanna hurt him. Anyway, I really hope heaven is on my side to change your mind and feelings soon. Apart from heaven, I don't know who can help me with this already..anw, I am really trying to let go and re-know you as a friend le..but I want let you know that I still love you regardless of whether I've let go.

I know what lies ahead is uncertain, and your feeling may never come back so long as I am not allowed to open your heart and with so many guys wooing you, it's even harder..I am trying very hard not to think about it and let nature takes its course..but I really want you to know that no matter what happens, I will always be there for you any time..you totally deserve my love..I am the one that's undeserving =((..even if I manage to put down this r/s, I doubt I can put down my love for you for it has gone to the stage where I long ago regard you as my true wife le..so I do feel like a widow now in a way..but if somehow you decided to accept me again, I will make sure you won't regret it..that's a promise..I don't make empty promises I am sure you know..coz laopo is muz teng ai de..not make her hurt.....sry>.<

I am trying to let go alrdy..give me time k?meanwhile, I seriously hope u cld juz reply me normally..but I'll try my best not to contact u too much also..mm..becoz i really dun wan you to be so repulsive of me..honestly, maybe if u were more accepting of me..n juz reply me lyk how we used to tok, i might have come to terms sooner..but becoz i'm still trying to get use to the way you reply, tt's prob why i'm still unable to come to terms with it ba..

I know at present, ur feelings for me probably close to 0 le..but i still seriously hope tt one day, you'll give both of us a chance again to make it work..and if that day comes, I'm sure things that have happened, will NOT happen again..becoz a lot of things happen coz of me..so I'm determined to change myself for the better..yup

but you still can make it seem as though it's my fault for everything that has happened..all I said was for us to stop hurting each other and resolve our misunderstanding and miscom..then your reply was "resolving doesn't change the fact that the feeling is no longer there??" but hey..feelings not thr jiu no need resolve misundstding and miscom??is that how it is with friends also?

Haiz..actually I was slowly stand up alrdy..but each time rd, u must sweep me off my feet with this kind of reply and then make it seem as though I am the idiot..I know you won't be reading all these anw..even if you read this, I dunno if you still feel anything..I just can't understand how you can be so cruel overnight..why is it that there are problems with the r/s then you don't wanna voice out and juz decided to call it off overnight?

nvm..if you happen to read this, I wanna let you know that I know loving one person is wanting that person to be happy..and I assure you I am trying my best to let you be happy..i really hope you put yourself in my shoes..then you will understand how and why is it that I feel so hurt..you may have lost your feelings for me..but my feelings for you was never lost..tt explains why I still care for you so much..only people whom I value and treasure will I care for them..I love you laopo..I am not asking you to come back to me now..really..

I hate to say this, but you really make me feel like dirt at times..that I am not even worth anything and I am just being very 1-sided..keep going to you when you don't even want to care..becoz all you care for is your work at the moment and maybe zw? you probably care about not hurting him more than how you've been hurting me..it's not everytime that I feel this way..but it really sux to get 1liners reply with no meaning and no room for continuation of convo..I can think of a lot of things to crap..but I also need the other person to reciprocate else my creative juices will run out and I will feel like a stupid person being desperate in talking to someone who isn't even interested in toking to me..how should I reply to 2word replies like "haha..orh.." or "orh..haha.." if a person were to keep replying you in this manner, how do you cont any convo with him/her? "mm.." "ok" "lol..no lah" "haha..ok.." if you don't wanna talk to me just say so?don't fu yan me, it hurts a lot more knowing that you reply zw so warmly yet you reply me tis kind of stuff when all that I've crapped to you are not even about our r/s..

FML..I really feel damn fk up at times..it's like I yi xiang qing yuan..seriously, FML

In fact, if he was a genuine friend..he wouldn't be doing this kind of thing behind my back..and you can say that it's not in you to report..but hey, this is really not reporting but communicating! and when you told him that you enjoyed his company, he's bound not to give up..haiz..even though I'm really reluctant to say this, but the more he press on and the more you let him press on, the lesser chance there is for us to be together again..haiz..nvm..i say so much also no use, becoz u're still so warm to him..tink the more i say, the more u'll go to him only..I'm not asking you to not be friends with him..but rather just be firm about it especially when he turns up and send you home..why must you give in to his childish behaviour?

if you say that the whole world is against him, think why is this so?if he hasn't done those things, would anyone be against him?And if you hadn't allow him to send you home, would anyone think that you're bad even though most think that you're been too nice..and I thought you'd appreciate me for the kind of freedom and privacy which I gave you..but it backfired and now I'm burnt by the lion..

I dunno what needs to be done, what I should do anymore..each time I hear you tired..my heart still feel v pain..but i know u probably dun feel the same to me when I complain that I'm tired..since the feelings is no longer thr..n u're probably too busy that you'll juz brush it off..but I juz wanna let u know that,no matter what,my love for u still remain as strong..I dun wan u to love me as a friend..

you said you are terrible to me..I don't know what made you say that..but perhaps you were right in e sense that you don't tell your friends about it becoz you do not want to be seen as the 'bad' party..to me, no matter what you've done/said, so long as u come back to me loving me, I'm willing to treat this as a dream..hm..always loving u de laogong..

You might say to each his own..but so far ALL except 2 of my friends (guys + gals) disapprove of the things he has done..I mean of coz to be fair, they also agree that both of us should have communicated more..but really, a genuine friend will never confess when his/her friend is still in a relationship..worse still, being so aggressive..and you being so nice, simply give in to him when he insists on doing things his way..haiz..i dunno man..so far, I've been avoiding getting too close with girls..but yet, I never knew you or rather he got so close to you..haha..I feel like a clown..my life's a joke..hao ba..i shall try and blog less about him..coz it's my blog..not his blog..anyway, just to clarify, the 2 friends who didn't disapprove entirely said they probably will in the first place avoid people who are attached..but I know you went to him first..so ya..

Actually I talk so much here also no use, coz you also won't see, even if you see I dun tink you will feel anything much towards me also..hm..告诉我爱要怎么做？

Anw, this is sth which I'm very reluctant to say it..but i tink u've placed him in a higher position than me in ur heart alrdy..even if it's unknowingly..coz I can feel it (tho I hope this feel is an inaccurate one)..hm..I seriously don't undstd why you juz can't be firm with him even when he insist on showing up to send you home?I've no qualms about him being a friend, but hey, if you're so repulsive of me when I'm insist, then why can't you do the same for him if you have no feelings for him?Just becoz you don't want to hurt him/lose him as a fren doesn't mean u shld allow him to send you hme and live in his own world..n indirectly hurting me..

In fact, do you know why I was so pissed off during the CNY period?1 of the reasons was becoz you actually went out with him to see the fireworks on the eve!juz coz he went to your house to fetch you doesn't mean you shld go with him!!! haiz..and since that one incident when I was using your comp and he fb chatted you, I wanted to playfully reply and you stopped me, I knew sth wasn't right about him..becoz u were so defensive n juz keep saying he is a very nice guy so u dun wanna hurt him..when you said that, you're alrdy hurting me..becoz it juz shows how much you cared for him..haiz..all these tings I am not sure if you are aware or will even be aware of coz I don't think you visit here anymore..but nvm..I am trying not to think about him..

but seriously, I just hope you could be more firm against him if u do not have anyth for him..chang tong bu ru duan tong..but I know like you said, you might want to accept other guys who are gd to u as well..which is probably referring to him..so as he gets more aggressive and you do not be more firm about it, then it's not gg to be so simple anymore..it's alrdy pretty complicated..lolz..haiz..nvm..

Anw, I saw Sun Yan Zi said this in a MyPaper and it made absolute sense: “爱情是一个承诺，你会觉得你要跟着这个人，希望他好好的，他生病你会担心，他迟到你也会为他操心。幸福，是你找到一个很愿意付出的人，而不是你可以在他身上得到什么。”

anyway, you asked me what can you do to cheer me up..I think the answer is pretty obvious isn't it?but I know it can't be done becoz you just dun feel like doing it now..hm..I seriously hope you will come back to me after the term ends..even though I am trying very hard not to think about it so that I won't affect you..but sometimes it's just difficult..even when we were attached, I also keep thinking about you alrdy..hm..how to not think after thinking for 4yrs +?hm..

Anw, I know baking is sth you want to pursue..so it's sth that I'll support you even if we were attached..but I think you should perhaps phrase your words more proper next time..I know your parents can't and won't control what you want to do coz you've grown up but you should still discuss with them your plans..hm..but that's your character..which is sth that I have in me also..I prefer to do things silently and spring surprises to ppl..haha..

anw, I tink juz now zw sent you home again..altho I wanted to ask you very much..but I restrained myself becoz I do not want you to feel like I am stalking you or anyth..this came after you told me not to stay back and wait for you..hm..haha..nvm..dun tink!!!>.<

love you...