One who flys above and one who flutters within

I'm still here. Busy, Brooklyn keeps me busy just finished cwk. my bil is out of my house!!!! Has been since June. Kasey's birthday is tomorrow. How is that? 3 years :(. Its so hard to watch Brooklyn and know he and I were cheated. It also depresses me that she is getting bigger and older that just means farther away from my baby. If anyone still reads. How are you?

On a roll today! :)
You know when people throw their 2 sense in about how you are raising your child?! I hate it. I have been told that BG is spoiled because I pick her up when she cries, she spends too much time with me. Oh and they tell her to be quiet when she cries or fusses and my dad tells her time out. For real? What in the hell is wrong with you people. Just in case you forgot she is 6 months almost 7 months old not 6 years old. That is how she can communicate and I am her only source of food. She has had a real hard time with sleeping here on vacation and that my dad is so fucking loud that he wakes her up most times. News fuck stick, be a little more quiet (she even has white noise in her room), get hearing aids so the whole island doesn't have to hear the tv and she is a baby she cries.
I am so annoyed, where are my ruby red shoes??
I "sleep trained" her @ 3 weeks before we left to go on vacation because she was waking up every 3 hours and I need my sleep. It was hard for me to do- I hate letting her cry. I checked out I am not kidding 10 + books and read up on sleeping and infants and then gave it a go. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and she responded very well. All my hard work went down the toilet when we arrived on the island. The first few days she slept ok and from there on out it just got worse. DH was "so tired", although he tells me that he hears her at home and wakes up when I do... pssh please. It is good for him, he gets a taste as to why I am so tired most of the time.
If you are still reading, thanks for "listening" to me bitch.

Yesterday 12.28 was our 3 year anniversary. It seems like we have been married a lot longer than 3 years! Though the good and too much bad we had made it another year! I love you honey!

we are on vacation and let me tell you its freaking not vacation with a 6 1/2 month old! Any hoo, I have her Phil and Ted travel crib http://philandteds.com/products/sleep/traveller set up and the angel care monitor underneath, but didnt get a piece of wood it seemed to be working with out one. After surviving a week of her in our room (no clue how many of you do it, although I seriously considered cosleeping when she was born) we have managed to revert back to our terrible sleeping habits that were formed the month before we left. She doesn't go down easy and screams most nights- so stressful! A few nights ago after being asleep for an hour or so the monitor beeps, my heart drops, I look at the monitor and run for the room. As I am running its beeping and vibrating. (the pad has not detected movement in 20 seconds). Holy shit this can't be happening. DH and I run in the room at the same time, its freaking dark and you know when you run into a room that is dark after being in a lit room you can't see. I just remember hearing her scream after that, music to my ears. She had rolled into the corner of the crib and the mattress had lifted a bit. I wish I was Dorthy, I need to go home. This is all too much for me! After my heart quit racing and we put a picture frame under her bed I put her back down again. DH went and got a piece of wood, so we wouldn't have anymore false alarms. Thus makes me think, am I too dependent on this? I am scared to death to have another baby die. I will have to strap her down when she gets older, although she might still be swaddled so we wont have that problem lol-thats another post

It's been 2 years (12.19) since you grew your wings... It's so hard to believe, I miss you more and more.

It's November... Kasey should be 2 years old on Tuesday. I should be planning a birthday party. Instead I planned a fundraiser in memory of him. A fundraiser that I put so much work and effort into and less people than last year showed up. It hurts...no one cares like I do...people who have the shallowest pockets dig the deepest.
I have been hugging Brooklyn tighter and loving on her more (I didn't think that was possible :) ) I cry sometimes as I nurse her and watch her play with her hand or my hair. I will never get to see Kasey do these things, it kills me. If I think about it too much it hurts. Why... (this post is going to be all over the place) there is a family whom I met while the CDH baby was still in the belly and he was given not much of a chance to live. From the outside it seemed like she didn't really care if he lived in her mind he was already dead. Needless to say he is doing well and will most likely go home. There have been somethings that have gone on with her that I just don't understand and can't believe. It hurts me though, I guess its jealousy. I pleaded, prayed, cried, screamed, spent pretty much every waking moment with him, read, sand you name it for Kasey, but he didn't get to come home with me... I love you punkin and miss you more than words can say.

Thank you for all of you who remembered Kasey on Saturday while you lit your candles!

I'm still here, busy as can be. I am getting donations for Kasey's 2nd birthday. Hard to believe that he has been gone for 2 years... Its hard knowing that I missed out on so much with him.
I love Brooklyn to pieces, but find myself looking at her and thinking about what it would be like if Kasey was here. Its so hard... I miss you punkin!

Brooklyn is getting so big, she is 19 weeks today. She found out that her foot can go in her mouth yesterday, its too cute. I think she is left handed, its so interesting how her personality is coming out.

The bil is still here, he started a part time job and hopefully will get another job that he is applying for.

My husband and I fight way too much, he stresses me out!


I am lucky enough to work for my parents so Brooklyn goes with me to work everyday, thus I only breastfeed her. I feel there is no reason for me to be a cow (pump), he feels like he is not a dad bc he can't feed her... there are times when he is tired or wants to watch sports center that he is less than interested in caring for her, or when she fusses when he sits down... its frustrating and I feel like I am super mom trying to keep the house clean, cook dinner, work, put Brooklyn down, gather donations, work out, have a few moments to myself... the last 2 dont happen everyday. We survived Kasey, but are fighting like cats and dogs with a child who is living...

I really am trying to catch up with all of your blogs, thinking of all of you!!