Biking Through Life

What a strange thing life is - I have not found myself here for a long time. Today, I have something in mind I want to have written down. Living life makes it sometimes impossible to revisit feelings and memories. While listening to music on Pandora, my thoughts started flying back to the good ol' days. The hymn really, was the culprit of this - and also the time I have in my hands. Just a little bit of good extra time and relaxing morning is what gets me going I suppose. 

The hymn reminded me of an old friend - Debbie Loh. She gave me a CD of hymns years ago when we were still good friends, and when we hung out pretty often. I would go and do a sleepover once in a while, and I remember, that was the first time ever I met someone who drinks coffee without sugar! It never crossed my mind that you could do that. :)

As you grow older, you have many more friends added to your list, the list gets longer, some old friendships don't get renewed because of life's journeys and how through distance uncertainty can creep in some friendships. When I left home 7 years ago for the first time I did not realise the full impact of what that would mean. 

Maybe through living cross-culturally in a missional community I have become shy and uncertain about friendships. People come and go all the time, the friendships you build can be so fleeting and short. People change and move on but the ones left behind get left behind. So often I want to reach out to my old friends, but I fear rejection. I am quite a "hang on to the good old stuff" kind of person but because of what I think is the breakdown in friendships because of distance and lack of communication, I am afraid to step forward.

I have never publicly declared my fears and desires, but for some reason, I feel I need to be vulnerable today. I still long to keep those good old friendships - but I guess all it takes is that one of us reach out. And I also realise that sometimes you just move on, and that's ok with me. I guess it's kind of a weird position to be in, neither here nor there, not belonging anywhere (but this does not bug me as much as it can sometimes) and returning home which is not so much home anymore. Maybe this is just another one of those seasons in my life where I pine for home, but I sure am grateful for all the friends that I have had the priviledge of sharing different seasons of life with, from the day I turned 13 (not that literally).

So many of you were part of my life's stories - some awesome, some fun, some great, some epic, some pivotal, some painful, regretful and disappointing, but together they were the best. And I am forever grateful to God for each of you, for the time we shared, the long and numerous phone calls over months and years, for memories we created. They were impactful. Though for many of us we do not know each other's stories anymore, you are still my friend, because you are a part of my make-up. I guess if we are not really friends anymore, I can still be grateful that there is a piece of you inside my heart though you may not see it.     

Anyway, this is a little too much info. :P I don't like sharing my feelings too much as you can see. :)

gracey

I guess there are moments that you can't record but you just remember. It is so good to create fun and memories together. We have been very blessed by the Lord to be able to do many of these things. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness that we are far more in unity now than we have ever been and hope that that continues growing.

I love you bubs!

xoxoxo

gracey

It's a completely new season - everything started brand new, and even how God chooses to use me is all new, and I feel almost, another step upward in stretching my faith. New Zealand is beautiful, and is an overall amazing nation. 

The welcome I received was warm, from right when we landed on the South Island soil. We were welcomed to our new home for at least these next 2 years with very strong winds that travelled up to 150km/hr and still experienced frosts for the next month or so. 

The base was new, the town small but warm and new, the people new, the currency new - everything was NEW to me. My role was new in a spe

The difficulty is in explaining to friends who ask how things are? There is not a one word answer I can find anywhere in my dictionary except to explain the strangely new feeling I am experiencing. It's not the physical that is new to me - much more than that, it is as though I have a new pair of eyes (like some scales were removed) of faith and a new level of trust. There is nothing in my life that is hindering God's work of making me gloriously new - no current pain, no lack of zeal, no lack of desire for Him. In fact, I have found myself to be even more drawn to Him now than ever before in a fresh new way. His anointing is overflowing. Our conversations are alive and deep. We are dreaming.

It is just so fresh. It seems as though the last 2 years didn't happen. God is captivating my heart afresh and I am so grateful and thankful that He wants to do so. See this post has been just vagueness in terms of description, I don't feel like I give justice to what God is doing and how I am actually feeling and seeing my life go by - but it is new. I think to quote my friend, it is new wine and new wine skin. I don't know what else is ahead of me, but I have never felt so completely in tune with the Father and know that I am in His will and that is the best and safest feeling ever. 

Funny that it has come with the love of my life. 

Just wanted to say....it's been a great 4 months away and we are blogging away at www.wokandpan.wordpress.com too! So catch us there...I'll still blog here as often as my mind and time permit...and so far both have not been working with each other very well...so we'll see how that goes.

Nonetheless, hang out there with us! It's an exciting adventure for me to share a blog with a bloke - my bloke. So enjoy reading! :)

gracey

I was just reading 1 Kings 18 again - not completely because I have thoughts shooting through my mind before I got very far.

I observed that Elijah was a very straight forward person. He spoke to King Ahab plainly and boldly, told him what he did wrong before God's sight. He rebuked the king and did not blink while doing it. How confident and assured he was.

And it made me think. How did he get there?

And then later on Elijah boldly challenged the prophets to an offering challenge. 1 vs 450. Of course he won, but he had no doubts in his mind, and gave clear instructions. Suffice to say, God must have told him in detail what to do - really? I didn't read it before that. Perhaps I should assume so. Or maybe through experience and as he allowed God to use him God just gave him the words. It is just interesting to find out what people are thinking about you know? I talk to myself and have my own conversations all the time so I'm sure Elijah did that too. :P

And his confidence and boldness to proclaim God and the way he spoke to God, as if he knew for sure that was what God wanted - puzzles me in a good way. It means Elijah was very close to God, and he knew his place and his calling and his job. 

I like that. And I wonder how many of us would dare speak to God like Elijah did. It almost sounded like he was telling God what to do. So it comes across as not so respectful. Kinda throws off that awe we are suppose to have of God, yet I wonder if we have the right definition of many words. We just assume, most often. And Elijah did have honour and respect and the fear of the Lord. 

I think Elijah is a man to learn from.

Just some thoughts from Abu Dhabi International Airport while waiting to board my flight to Toronto.

gracey 

  

Lots of goodbyes...and since I'm on a roll, why not goodbye 2012? :)

This has been my greatest year, and lowest too since year 2000. That was a good 12 years ago. Just reminiscing the year of 2012 in almost chronological order.

1. Met a dashing young guy called Matthew Stelpstra. More like I picked him up from the airport together with Nick and I told him he smelt awful after an almost 2 day flight from Canada and he got hooked.

2. Cluster phobia in YWAM Perth at the end of 2011 through to Feb 2012.

3. In relation to #1 we packed heaps in the kitchen and there were no classrooms for every school and some school met in parks and houses. IPHC made it to its very own classroom at the start of the new year. And it was in January too that Matt told me he showered for 30 minutes after I had told him the night before that he smelt after a long flight.

4. Went to Warburton with Kathy, Alyssa and Anna D for 2 weeks in February. We drove for 2 days - 1500km. Lived the life with the Aboriginals of Australia. Good times.

5. Started courting with Matt. Announced at the Brigatti Gardens somewhere mid-Feb. He was almost peeing in his pants.

6. Celebrated my 28th birthday with a white boy in my life. He took me to the beach and barbecued for me. Amount of things he brought with us - a whole 80litres backpack. In this same month, we saw God bring in all the finances we needed for outreach for the school before the due date. God is faithful, as always!

7. In April, Matt and I separated for the first time when I went to India for outreach and he left for a short break at home before leaving for Oxford, New Zealand. In India we saw many miraculous healings of God, and many salvations too. God is faithful to His people, and so loving.

8. My small team of 5 headed back for Perth to finish up our outreach in Warburton. 5 weeks was the plan. But we were hardly there. Did not arrive. We met with a life threatening accident on our 2nd day of travelling. All were flown back. Private airplane, the Flying Doctor and business class back to Perth.

9. We continued to heal from the wounds of the accident. Marchien was awesome throughout. So were the other 3 girls.

10. The school ended. It was a good ending considering what we went through. Everyone went home.

11. Life started at the kitchen again in July. I asked not to be put for leading any crew for the quarter. Leading was difficult after the accident. Marchien flew home to Holland. Life moved forward. I decided time in Perth has ended and will finish it off at the end of 2012. Went for a week of holidays in Melbourne with Glory and James and the kids. It was a good break.

12. Nothing really special happened in August except that 3 months had passed since the accident and I continued to be reminded of the accident every time I stepped into the car.

13. Matt came for a visit after 6 months of separation in September! It was so so good. John and Larraine invited us over to stay with them for the duration of Matt's holiday here. He proposed at their house on his 3rd night here! :) And of course I said yes! That began to have implications - immediately.

14. Matt left in October to go back to Oxford. It was awfully difficult. And I began to prepare mentally that in 2 months I was leaving YWAM Perth. Time was moving. so. slowly. And I planned the menu for the last quarter of 2012 in this month.

15. Myrriah organised a bridal shower for me in November. This was when the reality of my impending marriage and leaving began to form in my head. It still was not travelling down to my heart yet although many wedding plans have been solidified in Canada and Malaysia. 

16. I began to pack in November. And gave things away. Sala went away for a holiday in Fiji and got ENGAGED! And Erwin and I drove in the Transit van every day to do food pick-ups. The drives were therapeutic! Uncle Kee In and Aunty Mei Ying came to visit and bless me with their presence. Went to the Pinnacles for the first time in my life!

17. Flew home for the weekend in the mid of December for Charles' wedding. And spent quality time with Papa. And did some wedding gown hunting in my hometown.

18. These last 2 weeks have been hectic. Filled with goodbyes, reminders of good memories, Christmas lunch and gift exchange, Boxing day hanging out with Tiff, reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness by giving me a really nice Christmas and Boxing Day celebration by not working much in the kitchen, chatting with Matt 5 days in a row which is a BONUS!!, a surprise farewell that was leaked by Daniel Lim, and farewell from the church and their love given to me, more goodbyes, more packing, more throwing out to make room for the new and the reality of leaving slowly daunting on me. 

Tomorrow is the last day of the year. And tonight is the last night I will be sleeping on this very bunk I am typing this post from. Almost every month has its own highlights, and I am impressed I remembered them all. God has been faithful through my ups and downs and I am thankful that He is God, and He remembered me and called me by name. 

And He taught me that He cannot be beaten, and His faithfulness endures forever. 

I give you thanks and glory and praise for all that You have done in me and through me this year Lord. And for all that I have been able to be a part of. I count them all as blessings from you - especially the challenging moments. The scars on my hand remind me of Your goodness to me in preserving my life. I look forward to 2013, because I can have the hope of glory in You, and will continue to learn to be joyful, prayerful and thankful for all that You will give me!

I love You Jesus.

I am not fully feeling it yet. The goodbyes seem surreal, and it has been pretty easy to push them to the back of my mind. Until of course someone 'rudely' reminds me that I am leaving by giving me surprise farewell parties or saying nice things about me at church or make a special drop by the house to wish me farewell.

And then I went to the Salvos to give away the rest of my clothes that I have not been able to give to my friends. It. hit. me. straight. in. my. heart. in a manner that I haven't felt until tonight. The finality of giving my possessions away to make sure that I can make it pass the check-in counter tomorrow made it real. Saying goodbye to my things and knowing that I will never see them again hit home - hard. 

I am leaving Perth tomorrow. After 3 years of rebuilding my life here God is uprooting me again to another place, another land, another season, another culture and many more new things. How unnerving is that at this age. I mean, I would really love to be somewhere permanent, yet I know that is not the calling that I have for now. And the desire doesn't make the uprooting and replanting any easier.

I am called to the nations, and to the nations I go, not knowing where I will end up at. And I make friends everywhere I go and I say goodbye to them and it all sounds easy and clean cut, but as I am experiencing right now, clean cut is the least of it all. I feel sad to leave this place I have learnt to love, the friends I have enjoyed and cherished and to be reminded today that I may NEVER, I mean, never see them again in this life is a hard reality to swallow. I may see some of them again someday, but I will never see ALL of them again after the real goodbyes tomorrow. This is a hard life. And a hard reality. 

If it was a place I have hated it would have been easy to wash my hands off and walk away. On the contrary this has been a place that has blessed me and filled my heart to the brim. My friends have encouraged, walked, cried, laughed, taught and prayed with me these last few years, and of course have become the source of this very emotional post. 

So goodbye Perth. God has given me a few great years here, and it has been awesome serving you and serving God with you, and I am sure there is more to come. Come over and visit, wherever I am. Matt and I welcome you to our home. May our roads cross again someday, whether here or in heaven or elsewhere on this earth.

I love you.

Grace

It felt like it has been a while since I wrote...and it turns out to be true. :) 2 months since I last wrote. It is a beautiful sunny day outside at the end of winter, the dawn of spring. Today's post is inspired by a group of singing young people called Endless Praise. Listening to good vocals just inspires me. It took me back to the days when I was back at home in the little town of Sitiawan where as a small church, we had limited resources so everyone had to learn to do everything, and how enriching that was then. I sang so much in those years, and felt so much joy in my heart, a sense of freedom to be. A freedom that ageing sometimes doesn't give you.

But I think that is just me, limiting myself. Or rather, allowing the world/environment/surroundings to dictate what could be. So often I am surprised by what I think and say, and it is as if Jesus doesn't live in me - the lack of hope in certain parts of my own life. I guess, it is easier to have and give hope to others, but I forget to take hold of that same hope for myself that Jesus gives.

Lately God has been bringing me back again and again to my roots, not just my Malaysian Chinese roots, but more so my family roots, the foundations of who I am. I feel that in these last few years I have been in Perth, that section of my life became a distant memory, packed away somewhere in the deep corners of my mind but after making a significant decision, that corner has been unpacked and God is beginning to bring those things up again.

And He has been reminding me of things of old, and somehow causing me to remember them by bringing them to mind, because He is God and there is no other as spoken in Isaiah 46:9. I think this next bit of my journey is another refining journey: Of bringing the old and the new together, and making them my own, never feeling the sense of betrayal that I have been feeling, but renewed because I have made both mine. 

It is a significant season as I begin preparing to move into another season. So yes, this next bit is very unstructured, unplanned and there will be lots of family and relationship building time, but this season is as significant as any other, as I allow my family, especially my parents to speak into my life as I spend a significant amount of time with them. And then I move on to another chapter and anticipate greater things to come: greater freedom, greater joy, greater understanding of the faithful God I serve. The faithfulness of God needs to be spoken and lived out through my life more and more.

And if it means singing again, and diving back into music, bring it on! If it means laying down studies, okay! If it means more unplanned things and greater lack of knowing, alright! If it all comes to one thing, obedience is that one thing I want to do continuously, because I know how disobedient I can be in myself. His love is the greatest antidote to the poisons in my life. I am so very grateful to this God who loves me.

Glory to God.

gracey

Yesterday was the last day of outreach. 6 months is coming to an end in a week's time. It is bittersweet. The last 6 months has been filled with joys, lots of fun, pains, fears, growths, appreciations and thankfulness and life to the fullest. I am living the life that I have been called to. The ups have been more than the downs, and what is life without the downs? God did not promise a bed of roses, but He promises His presence and ever present help in time of need. And I have seen that evidenced in my life.

The car accident almost 4 weeks ago has been a very scary event. An event that shook me to the core. Sure, I have not been able to digest nor process all of it because of the call upon my life at the moment, but one thing I have been able to stand on has been God's unfailing love and faithfulness. In moments I knew not anything, He pulled me through. In moments I felt like I just wanted to crash and not continue on, He carried me. I saw His hand prints in my life these last 4 weeks.

I surely do not want to live an empty life. I have reflected on my work, wondered at times if I was doing the right thing, at the right location and spending my youth well, and the answer has been an undoubted YES! No, I do not believe that I will spend the rest of my life here, but for now, this is my cup, and I want to invest in it well. The more I look upon my life and how I have made my decisions, the more Hebrews 12:1-3 have been proven to me. 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run^(A) with perseverance^(B) the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus,^(C) the pioneer^(D) and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross,^(E) scorning its shame,^(F) and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.^(G) 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary^(H) and lose heart."

It could not have been me. It has been Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith. All I have been doing has been keeping my eyes on Him the way I know how. It is not the perfect way, but it is how I know, through my imperfect lenses. And it is His faithfulness that has carried me through, and moulded my character and faith. There is so much more to life than what I know now. So many glorious adventures as I give over the reign of my life over to Him more and more. My shortcomings do not matter in the grand scheme of things because His perfection will carry me through and is for me to lean on.

I am grateful for the life He has given me, and for all that He is to me.

7 weeks in India. North East India. A land with Mongoloids, and a land where I am mistaken as a local. Sometimes I met upset people talking to me in their tribal languages, some unaware of my lack of language, and some chuckle when they find out I am not local. They touch me, and begin to take my photos - only because I am foreign. If I did not say anything, I would be ignored. And often, I enjoy those moments.

In Kangpokpi are many church - goers, but not many followers of Jesus. One of my personal missions was to share the Gospel with as many as possible, and whenever I had the opportunity to. This outreach has been the most fruitful personally, because I saw many salvations through my sharing and also many instant headings. I saw about 16 - 17 healings as God led me to pray for those who were crying out in need. 

One very special place to many of us is an orphanage that we went to. There were 72 children when we visited for the first time. They were poor but so generous, and gave from all that they had. The founder came from a poor family, and so knows the challenges being in the position. They live by faith - none supports them, not even the government, because they are a Christian orphanage. I guess that is not new, but to see their living condition, I think everyday I would be wetting my pants praying and asking God to bring food to the table. I salute Robin.

The other favourite location I have is Khoikai, a village surrounded by mountains, 3kms downward hike and 1km upward hike. Beautiful, and a place where God was performing miracles. I saw 11 instant healings and 5 salvations in that place. A girl who was near-sighted gained clear sight again after being prayed for. I could not believe my ears and cried with Neitheng. It was an awesome moment with God. God healed her eyes. This was a  village that I saw most miracles. Perhaps because it was so isolated from any medical access, and people really did have faith and the desire to be healed. I don't know the answer nor the formulae to praying for miracles, but God healed many there. From body aches to other kinds of pains, God healed. I learnt much that day about praying for healing. He answered the desires of my heart.

What a personal, kind, loving and generous God. He gave me the privilege of experiencing His glory and miracle performing acts through prayer. He heard my prayers, and I know it was not because they sounded nice and perfectly pitched, but it was because of Him. I am very grateful.

Many more stories about Kangpokpi to come....but off to Warburton tomorrow! :)