Lesson Plans to Baby Carriages

It is official...I am sick. Looks like the verdict is in & in less than a week I am going in for Surgery. I pray that all will be better after my surgery and recovery. Only time will tell. Although that news is hard it is NOTHING compared to losing my Beloved Furbaby. I can't speak for others but when I say I ADORED my Dog I really mean it. I never allowed him to stay in a Kennel or be watched by anyone other than my parents in my home. I took him on ALL vacations, beach resorts, camping, hotels, the works. I spent $1000's on him over the years in extra pet fees etc to be certain he was always with me. He was a therapy dog for Children and worked miracles with my Mom. If I had a choice I would spend up to my last dime just to have him back. To put it bluntly his loss has devastated me. Someone said to me very insensitively lately that they understood my loss completely because they had a dog for two years & had to get rid of it to move into an apartment. WHAT the HELL! That is right, that is how I feel if you EVER can get rid of your ANIMAL that easy you CAN NOT understand my loss. PERIOD. I thank God people can't get rid of kids as easy as their pets or imagine what would happen when things got rough. Or the classic..get another dog comment. To each their own here but my beloved animal loss can not be appeased by getting another dog. I have one beloved pet left and after she passes I think I am done. To so many people pets are just creatures they like but can go through one after the other, to put it simply I am just not built that way. I thank God for every moment I had with him and I will never forget any of the lessons he taught me or so many people around us. Since this is my Blog, I felt like sharing this news. I am praying for peace in my Heart over this loss. I myself am a Teacher and a licensed Counselor but am the worst patient. Losing this pet was like losing my beloved Fiance all over again since we got him together as our first "baby." If anyone has any prayers out there to spare I could really use them to help me heal my grieving heart.

No Amount of Money, No amount of Ivy Legue College Degrees, No fancy Houses, No Luxiourous trips or Loaded Cars can fill the void of the empty arms of a woman that wants a child. Here is some news. I have several masses that will require Surgical removal which is a Priority. NO TTC during that time. After that additional fertility testing...so far my results are depressing and I RARELY cry but I just feel like laying down & crying for a minimum of a week straight. If you knew me in "real world" you would know how OUT of character this is for me. It seems as if every time I try to have a baby curve balls just keep coming. Unfortunatly, these masses are serious and I can't play around. Hopefully within a a month & a half I will have had my Surgery and be on the other side safely and I can move on. I will still be supporting everyone and posting here just giving the details. The good news I can think about is that I glad I am not pregnant because Surgery while pregnant is something I would try to avoid but in this case is not an option.

Period.

I am still here and I am wishing EVERYONE a Blessed Easter. May Peace reign in your heart forever. I will update with a personal note after Easter. For now, just know no matter what is happening in your life, God knows our true sorrows, our joys & our desires. Peace be with you & your families on this Easter.

Well, I wanted to take more time this evening to go a little further into my 10 DPO conclusions explanation. OK, in the past each time I have tried Donor Sperm (2x) I got a BFP both times. Each time I get the cramps, the bloating, Nausea, Tender Tatas, the works. Each time I received the BFP on the HPT. Also, each time I am not able to hold onto the BFP very long and the short term pregnancy ends. This stage is setting up exactly the same but this time it is a little worse because I never even got the BFP yet. The spotting is increasing off & on (w/some clots) which in general IB is not supposed to do. Anything is possible so I still have hope but ladies, it doesn't look that good.
**Now, most importantly I have FINALLY decided to go get checked out 100% from a doctor. Yep, I get Pap Smears each year & that is it in that region of my body. NEVER had a fertility work up or anything. Not the smartest thing I have ever done but hey I figure it is TIME and in the real world with folks and partners they try for a while w/out medical work ups.. If the BFN stays and my period comes as planned. I am scheduling an appointment to get the full battery work up. If something needs to be adjusted I will do that for 2-3 tries and if that doesn't pan out, I am going to go to a RE that I have researched. I figure no matter what else happens, I will at least have a plan. I want a healthy pregnancy in 2011.

Ok, 10 DPO here. Yesterday, BBT dipped very low suddenly & low & behold spotting occured. ***TMI ALERT***** Brownish/Pink but there after every single wipe. To me, this level of spotting is more than should occur when things are normal/healthy. Stopped at bed time. This morning up only slightly. Spotting when wipe. Looks like the witch is officially coming. Terrible cramps are here & I NEVER get cramps. The last time I got these to this level was on the cycle 3+ years ago that I got the the brief BFP and then miscarried. Tested this morning = BFN. I had a ton of symptoms...they are all gone this a.m. I will keep you posted on the official verdict.

Reality check time. I feel this cycle is a BFN. There I said it. At least I don't micro-obsess over symptoms and believe 100% that this is it and then SLAP...B-F-N! I am going with my gut. Did I have symptoms earlier? Yes and they were intense and were real but NOTHING since then and my gut feels like it just didn't work out. I guess now, I will just wait for my period & then re-group. I know it is early but as a woman unless my body is just fooling me, I feel 150% the same now. Seems to me IF I was PG, at least I would feel something different. Oh, well. This won't stop me, but I may get medical help earlier than the previously thought 4 - 6 cycles at home. I will keep everyone posted of the official verdict.

Thanks for all your kind & supportive words on my journey. I appreciate them all! Please have a blessed Palm Sunday if you celebrate. This time of year more than any other time, I am reminded that Miracles DO exist!

Hugs & Love!

Well, this morning puts me on 6 Days Past my last insemination. I have been so very busy on this end that I have been unable to focus on the time moving slowly, etc. (Thank God) I also know that so many people obsess about each & every perceived symptom, month after month after month. And month after month after month, BFN's continue. Our minds are VERY powerful and your body can fool you with so many things. I am not a fan of that type of letdown. When I get a BFP, then I will share any symptoms or different feelings I had within the cycle. For now, I am just just trying to survive the TWW with as little anxiety as possible. Hugs and Baby Dust to all my ladies out there trying to make it to testing time as well as all newly PG ladies.