Building The Brookshires

So every once in a while ... like today, my morning gets away from me and I either don't make my morning protein shake or I don't eat an egg or some oatmeal and I run out the door.  This is always a very bad idea because I NEED to eat a little bit every couple of hours or I get really cranky ... plus it's really bad for the metabolism and let's face it, I need all the help I can get in that department.  I digress.

So on these mornings, I typically run through Starbucks and get a chai latte and a spinach, egg-white, and  feta wrap thingy from there, but then sometimes I think to myself.  Ummmmm ... I don't want to spend eight dollars for that and I really don't want to support Starbucks when I could support a "mom and pop" and somehow through all the bizarre brain maneuvers that happen during this time, I end up convincing myself that an apple fritter from a local donut shop is a better idea.  So I pull off and ask for an apple fritter pay the $1.75, get in the car, take one bite and instantaneously remember why donuts are a bad idea.  They make me feel like crap and they are very seldom tasty enough for that sacrifice, so all too often, I end up paying the $1.75 reminder fee.  This is my penance for making a bad food decision.

One day I am hoping to remember that donuts are bad for me, and they make me feel like crap, and I'm not going to eat all of it anyway because it isn't worth the calories, the sugar crash or the upset stomach, but until them all the local donut shops can thank me for my occasional $1.75 contribution to their venture as I once again forget what I already know.

Thank goodness, I keep back-ups of my protein shakes and raw nuts in my desk drawer.

I don't even remember any longer where we were or what we were doing, but those words from her sweet, little mouth are seared into my memory.  Bella looked at me and asked "Momma, why are you always so serious?"  The truth is I don't know why.  I have so many reasons to be sad or thoughtful or even a touch angry, but no good reason for being so serious.

For the first time in my life, I can actually say that I have been battling depression.  The other night, I actually sat on my couch in the middle of the evening and just uncontrollably sobbed.  I want to talk about this a bit.  Ever since my Dad took off a bit over a year ago now, I have on more than one occasion reached out and made several phonecalls to try and find  therapist because I knew that this was going to be a hard one to process and I should probably get some help working through all of this.  Do you know how many therapists and counselors have called me back?  One!  One! This ladies and gentlemen is a HUGE problem.  If someone has actually gotten to the point where they are actively seeking out help and nobody calls them back, this is a problem!

For all of you who watch the news and wonder why these people who are so sad or completely mad didn't get help ...maybe, just maybe they tried and couldn't even get a call back.

I have endured and thrived in life despite having been molested at a young age, regardless of the fact that my grandmother was robbed of her life way too soon and that I sat there and held her hand as she took her last breath, notwithstanding the tragic death of a man I loved very much due to a suicide bomber, I have always been able to keep my head up, love in my heart and a smile on my face.  However, the postpartum depression I went through after Bella was born followed shortly thereafter by my fathers act of cowardice to just disappear, walk out on his wife and want nothing to do with his children ... these events over the past four years, have pushed me to the brink of losing my smile.  I know it, I can feel it, I have asked for help and my call has gone unanswered.

I am so thankful that I have been mostly able to keep a level head and certainly have not gotten as dark as some other people I know that have been afflicted with depression.  I know that I have to be my own advocate and just keep calling until I get a call back from someone that fits my needs, but the point is that we need to be honest with ourselves and with each other.  If we don't, we are harming ourselves, but also possibly teaching our minis that we should be serious or glum or angry ... that's no way to live.

My truth is that I was very affected by becoming a mother and than losing my father.  I have a beautiful life and a ton of reasons to smile, but it can be easy to lose focus of that and this time finding my way back has taken more work that I ever recall it requiring in the past.  In all this, I am starting to learn to give people more grace because none of us know what they may be battling with or who they asked for help that didn't return their phonecall.

I am still knee-deep in this lesson, I don't know what I will look like on the other side of this, but I do know that I have been cold to some people when I was angry even when I know they real answer is love.  I vow to be love, to try my hardest to not be so serious,  and I promise to return phone calls

I have recently dove head first into the world of essential oils. Some of you know that my day job is in the pharmaceutical/biotech realm and the contrast between my day job and the implementation of essential oils may seem incongruent and to others of you it may make perfect sense.

To this story, I add a piece of history. When I was in high school and volunteering at a local hospital because I dreamed of going to medical school, I had a positive PPD (the skin test for exposure to tuberculosis), in short, it was determined that I had latent tuberculosis and the doctors decided to put my on a drug known as INH (Isoniazid).

At the time, they believe that patients should be on the INH therapy for two years in order to be effective. During the time I was on this treatment, I experienced most of the side effects listed on the package insert (fainting, dizziness, numbness and tingling in the extremities, fever, upset stomach, excessive tiredness, weakness, lack of energy, loss of appetite and on at least one occasion, convulsions. The doctor's response was loosely " just take the medicine at night so most of the effects hit you at night during your sleeping hours." Fast forward 11 months and the rules for INH therapy had changed and it had been determined that 9 months were likely to be as effective as the previously supported two year therapy and I was removed from the therapy and received my INH completion card.

Fast forward a few years and I began to suffer from chronic back pain and migraines, so debilitating that some days I could not bring myself to get out of bed. Fast forward some more and you see me gain 40lbs and have headaches so severe that on top of the migraines, I have an unending residual tension headache and spend a lot of time crying from the pain. I saw general practitioners, physical therapists, neurologists and they all just threw more pharmaceuticals at my and six weeks of traction which just exacerbated the situation. I eventually went to a chiropractor for the first time who deduced that all the fainting, dizziness, convulsions, etc. from the INH had caused so much trauma to my spine that I had developed vertebral subluxations which are when one or more of the bones of your spine (vertebrae) move out of position and create pressure on, or irritate spinal nerves. the subluxations were so bad that i had lost some of the natural curvature in my spine and the nerve disturbance so sever that the chiropractic stated that he was amazed that I was not suicidal. I wasn't ... thankfully. However, I had reached my breaking point. I was a finishing up college at San Diego State University when my dance professor saw how much pain I was in and introduced me to her husband who would become my acupuncturist. That man literally saved my life! This was my introduction to a more naturalistic approach to self-care and overall healthcare. He introduced me to Chinese herbs and supplements and through my time getting to know him and his family, I learned more about the importance of whole foods. I could write a whole separate post about that altogether, but the point is that was tipping point in my life. That's when the history of medicinal herbs and foods and the centuries old practices of energy healing came into focus for me and became my first approach to everything.

Let me be clear, science is amazing and there have been some remarkable advancements in western medicine. I am not by any means belittling western medicine. My point is that I believe strongly that there is a time and place for both naturalistic approaches and the more scientifically or technologically driven approaches. Yin and Yang when in balance.

So many years later I meet my husband, he suffers from chronic pain due to a life of ruff and tumble and jobs that require brute strength combined with endurance. He's been hard on him. Ever since I have known him it has been whiskey every night and anti-inflammatories or extended-release pain meds during the day ... just to get him through the aches and pains of being in his own skin. i of course with my own experience and reading drug side effects everyday worry about what that could be doing to his body in the long run.

When we had our daughter, we were blessed to have a healthy baby - she did have a bit of colic, but no reflux, no chronic ear infections, no diaper rash or yeast infections, she didn't even really spit up much, but when she was 15 months old she had her first febrile seizure. It lasted seven minutes and I thought my heart might just break into a gazillion pieces. We learned later that they are benign and she will likely outgrow them, but that we need to manage her fevers when she gets them very aggressively ... which means acetaminophen and ibuprofen, cool wash clothes, light clothing, and occasionally cool baths. That's when I started hearing people recommending peppermint oil on the feet of babes to help reduce fevers. My interest was piqued, but I honestly didn't move on it until she had another seizure and another. She's had three now that we know of ... each one different, each one I feel like I might just die watching her little body seize and jerk.

This was about the same time that my husband was developing a hand injury from his 'hands on' work and was in another level of pain that also happened to interfere with his everyday functioning. Imagine not being able to pour a cup of coffee because your hand gets stuck in the gripped position around the coffee pot handle.  Frustrating!

That's when the essential oil conversation got louder and louder in my world. I began to listen and do my research and that's when I was introduced to Young Living Essential Oils. I sat down with some friends who had integrated essential oils (EOs) into their lives. Their testimonials were inspiring, exciting, and promising. I read more, asked more and I decided to try and integrate EOs into my life.

Since we have started using EOs, I have found a combination of EOs that my husband applies topically to reduce body pain and another one for headaches. He has since reduced his intake of ibuprofen by 95%. I have used peppermint oil in combination with pharmaceutical fever reducers to get my daughter's fevers down in less time with less need for rescue medications.





Oh and did I mention that she was suffering also from chronic nosebleeds (sometimes 3 a day) which have been reduced by 99% since I started using geranium oil on the bridge of her nose twice a day.

My husband and my daughter both fall asleep quicker and stay asleep more peacefully since using lavender and cedarwood oils on them every night. And I avoided a swollen ankle and days of an awkward uncomfortable gait after I took a tumble and twisted my ankle by simply applying lemongrass oil to my hurt ankle.

I friend suffering hair loss is seeing increased regrowth after I made her a blend of EOs. All of this accomplished with a reduced presence of pharmaceuticals in our life. Again, I am not anti-pharma. I work in pharma ... it's my day job, but I am an advocate for safe medications, patient-centric medicine and a healthy lifestyle.




So when people ask me why I am so passionate about EOs, Less pain and suffering for my groom and my daughter all due to a naturalistic, less toxic approach to treating what ails us. I have been on the receiving end of the side effects from pharmaceuticals, those risks aren't to be taken lightly. Sometimes the risks are outweighed by the potential benefit, but why take that gamble when it's not necessary.

My parents are divorced.  Weird to write that sentence.  My Mom listed the house for sale and just accepted an offer on the house they built with plans to retire together and spend happily ever after.  It's weird, but in a way it's wonderful to see how adaptable we can all be.  We forget sometimes what amazing creatures we are.  How capable we all are.

My Dad is no longer a part of our lives and honestly, it sucks, but it is what it is.  I don't particularly care for the man.  I haven't for a very long time, but he is still my Dad.  He still taught me how to hike, took us for bike rides during the summer, and was our Daddy.  When I started to become an adult and make decisions he didn't care for and he did and said things I didn't care for, it was harder to like him all the time, but I always loved that very difficult man.  I will most likely never know his "why."  What I do know is that I will do my best every day to never let my daughter know the pain and confusion that my Dad's departure has caused any of us.  She doesn't understand where "papa" went and she is too young to even attempt to explain it to.  All she knows is that he decided he didn't want to be here anymore and had someplace else to go.

My Mom is amazing and has beautiful, exciting plans for making the rest of her life exactly what she wants it to be on her terms.  I love her.  We will miss that house, but the memories and the laughs cannot be contained by those walls.  Our hearts are the only thing in the world capable of holding those things.

It's obvious that I was missing in action from the blogosphere for a while.  I was insanely busy trying not to go insane, be present for my daughter, changing jobs, and well trying to wrap my brain around some super huge shifts in my world.

We have been in our house for almost a year now, my sweet girl turned three years old, I have been at a new job for six months, and ... well, my family endured a huge blow when my father decided he no longer wanted to be a part of any of our lives. It's personal; I am not sure how public I want to be about it ... most of it isn't my story to tell, but the short version is after 36 years of marriage, my Dad decided to walk out on his entire family.  It's been an adjustment, the journey through the range of emotions has been rough to say the least.  Hearing my daughter ask me where her Papa is breaks my heart every time ... knowing that something in his mind is so terribly discontent that he is willing to not even know his only grandchild just about destroys me every time I think about it.

So we have been spending the last year building our new nest, trying to let our hearts heal, and creating new traditions.  Once the divorce is final and all is said and done, I may share more details of the human experience as I think there is much to learn in times like these, but now is not the right time or place.

However, for those of you that have been looking here for updates, I give you some of the photographic highlights of the past year of living, loving, and healing.

I look in the mirror and I feel like all the youthful pinkness of my completion and gold in my hair have disappeared.  I feel muted and as though you can see me visibly ageing.

But with that, I feel inclined to focus more on taking care of myself, but guilty for taking time away from my other responsibilities. What kinda crap is that? 

How the hell am I supposed to teach my daughter her worth if I don't value myself enough to allow myself the time to take care of me?

So I refuse to feel guilty for the pedicure I am having as I type this. I will replace the bra that broke this week and I will not feel guilty for it.

I will start waking up early to ensure I have at least 30 minutes of "me" time before I am "mommy." You all are my witness!