Denali from FELT SOUL MEDIA on Vimeo.

This film. I'm in tears before he even says he love balls... more or less as soon as narration starts, i start bawling.

These two knuckle heads I'm hanging out with are more afraid of fireworks than ever. So if you're setting them off now in hearing range? I hate you, you selfish jackass. 'Oooh look i'm so manly i can make things go boom that i bought from some slave labor chinese importer.' My dogs do not like this. Not at all.

F'All Y'all btw

nah don't take offense, take it as the highest compliment.

I only offer expletives to those I love and consider friends.

I suppose if you're reading this you're either my ultimate nemesis categorically cataloging my weaknesses or a close friend. I can't tell the difference, never have been able to. The indifferent? those are people easy to read. Little difference between the other two.

My evening has been reduced to drinking beer brewed in AVL. or more precisely Mills River. Which I assume is close enough. Torpedo Motherfuckers.

Everyone went off for First Night, I stayed here and did dishes, cleaned up after my mess. relaxing having a beer or a two four or so.

Kidding. there isn't even a two four total combined with all the beer. Or all the lack of beer.

Couple days before heading further south. Planning disrupted, so disappointing in a way, but someone had a way of twisting it into a positive and for that I'll always remember and be appreciative of. Doesn't change the fact that I have a ton to do. Also means an extra day with my girls before they head north. Plan today was also to get a workout in. I didn't. Tomorrow's timing is better anyway. Assuming i can get it in. Life is more important than anything and being flexible and not being disrupted is next importance, well hey.

Actually watching the college I got a graduate degree play football against the coach that was there when I was there. Man college football...  what to say. But then the prez says politics is like football, so i guess that's another reason not to like politics or football, despite being a fan for a long time. Yes, referencing comedians in cars getting coffee... so disappointed that they didn't go out to get coffee... But then I watched Steve Harvey after, and that's kind of the same thing walking around Chicago.

I'm tempted to take advantage of writing and the quiet and the momentum, but state of mind determines that I say nothing of consequence or importance.

Nationals.

CX.

crazy eh?

me?

What am I doing? Why? I have no place there. No point being pack fodder. But can't turn back now.

What am I trying to demonstrate? I dunno sometimes. I'm just me, no someone defined by one race. It didn't happen over night, that me being "that guy" at NECX races. Orange Jumpsuit. Not even my idea. I just had one. Why did I have one? Because a wonderful and very good friend gave me a suit for working on TDIs in MI. But that suit was too tight for under layers in the winter because I was HUGEly fat. So he gave me another one. I was introduced to the orange jumpsuit in the mid 90s via BIKE magazine. Mike F, part of the gang of 4.

One of the other 4 we're (NECX) having a fundraiser for Stevil. Me? I'm just GeWilli. I know i'm not the first. But 2006 when Meg B said I'm like the Cliff guys (who were wearing orange jumpsuits) just dirtier. How true. Those words still make me smile. It is true, my jumpsuit will always carry the stains from dirty diesel oil and engine grease. No matter how many times I've washed in the last million years. It is a testament to the point of why you want to use natural bristles to wash your bike, not synthetics. You can't clean oils off of synthetics. Not matter how many times you wash it.

The suit, has been me, my calling card. Look at the best 9 or 2015 over on instagram. that center photo, a new patch on the Orange Jumpsuit.

Watching this game, can't take it. MSU, please either blow them out or get blown out, close game i can't deal with.

Unknowns eh?

So the Jumpsuit. Totally Peanut's fault. But then she's a cali kid, east coast transplant, knows the history of the four and the DFL series and the origins, and like the connection.

I like the connection too. Why?

Those four motherfuckers were influential to me. I'd love to have a beer with Patrick O'Grady but he stopped drinking, there's only one other person in the cycling journalism history I wanted to have a beer with as much: Mike F. I hope that MoFo still drinks beers and that some day I'll be able to drink beers with him.

My dreams and hopes and goals are pretty f'n modest. And everyone else's have always come first.

So yeah i should do a stand alone post for the jumpsuit. I will someday.

Need to be not the only one on this submarine, torpedo is empty, need to load another, but that means I have to take a break from the narration.

Life.

Break taken, unadvised tweets made.

Recognition that Lucio Fontans is someone I envy and want to be like. I explained the potential concept to my oldest and she was way more genuinely enthusiastic than i ever though possible. She loved the idea.

My idea though, has snagged a bit. Reliance on others to help? Perhaps, but also this is RI (even though i'm not there) and you gotta know someone. So far I guess I know some absolutely inspirational and amazing people (Dean and Brian) but maybe need to find others to convince. Sorry about putting you two on the spot guys. I love you both and can't thank you both enough for everything always and forever. Seriously. And everyone else who has supported my work. Glen, and esp Lesli. JLSCX and G-Ride, even Nick, thank you.

And everyone else who has purchased a print.

Thank you.

You've made a difference. a HUGE difference. Every. Single. One. Of. You.

thank you....

i'm going to, against any advice to be 'an athlete' have another torpedo and hit publish and then hey, who knows when i'll write again...  maybe tomorrow? maybe sunday, maybe not till after Nationals are over.

love you all

heddcwh
G

Man that's a tall order, taller order than I am tall.

I promised to do it last year IIRC, and then never made good on that promise, I promised write up of races and never made good on them either.

But then those promises are for myself, i fail those who are counting on me for entertaining/annoying/sleep inducing reading. But hey, i am only myself, i'm far less perfect than most, carry more flaws and shortcomings than it seems, but then maybe because i'm like a super freak, maybe i just carry a proportional amount.

There is an incessant hum here in VA. a white noise in a way, or more accurately a misophonia feeling. This constant non-stop consumption of fruit, almost no fats, avoidance of proteins, or gravitating to nitrite/nitrate cured/preserved meats. It is a struggle, one i've been struggling with for a while, forgetting how bad it is until I have to cook, or worse watch people eat what's here. Bowl of chocolatey cereal with skim milk. To offer a point of concession there is always organic whole milk here when we show up, and they've switched completely to organic eggs and dairy and butter. But fried eggs are still cooked w/o butter on a formerly 'non-stick' coated pan, with limited success. I'm being critical but I was able to share with a close friend in an email about this and it helped, and then my wife pointed out that i need to be more patient and that they all shut down when i say anything right now. Which in the instant made it worse, but after reflection makes sense.

That after reflection thing is important.

Take parking at CXNats2016. Fucking insane, so little information "you will need to drop gear, go park and take shuttle with very specific schedule back and forth" um, is gear secured, sheltered? how much time do i have to drop gear off? What if I'm alone does that matter? Am i getting penalized for not being able to afford a team parking space? How do I deal with two bikes and everything else relating to CX? are there changing rooms to use after driving and taking the shuttle? So much unknown.

Not easy.

Now add to the fact that for all but 2 [okay i took the van to one so three total] of the 24 individual races I packed the bikes with wheels off in the back. Now that's great, room for everything but both wheels off takes a bit more time to set up get sorted out. Asheville's super vague parking info has caused a shit ton of frustration and fear and ripples of dread.

Now maybe that is by design. Hell why not give some homefield advantage to those who know what's going on, also why not give some decided advantage to those who are well funded, but those blue collar racers who do this because it is their love, their passion and they've sacrificed so much to make happen? Meh, they'll overcome because they have no choice, and hell what's another obstacle.

Back to the shower today. I have more better ideas there than other places. Something about the water raining on me. Like when I had the powertap and always consistently had better numbers in the rain.  After a day or a week of anxiety about the parking situation, well maybe I over-thought into a possible solution. And that was a calming feeling. The solution involves testing on Tuesday but that's better than testing on race day on Wed, and by Friday's SSCX race maybe it'll even be dialed and fun!

Adam's post over at Cyclocross Magazine though, coming the day of the parking email, this line hooked, barbs and all:
"On race day, don’t make the mistake of changing your routine just because it’s a big day. "
So how do i feel when the super hyper insanely vague email about some insanely complicated parking rigamarol (google maps says the furthest parking is 3.6 miles from the reg site)?

Well it feels like there's absolutely no way i can follow Adam's or conventional wisdom or my own understanding of what works. How is this going to be possible?

Overthinking brain to the rescue. Maybe, well i doG damn hope so, but at least now, there's a new plan, one that requires a shit ton more preparation and forethought. Sacrificing all the flexibility, but in reality there's a good chance I can make an informed choice based on weather/temps and course knowledge enough that we can remove the need of the shotgun, not sure I can get as targeted as a sub-sonic .22 round but i can at least get to the point where I can define the target before getting to the venue and have everything nearly ready to go. Sure, having a team tent and a place to put the kitchen sink and cooler would be pretty f'n awesome, but this low life privateer, riding on the generosity of so many including and esp my wife and her family, he's gotta roll on the bumpy road. but that's okay. you know?

It is my life. Steph always reminds me "the choices i've made" and they are not so bad when it comes down to it.

Odd, perhaps, that something as stupid and trivial as parking affects people (I know i'm not the only one) but hey the email the other day saying the times for one of the races I've signed up for has changed was more troubling (as far as I can tell it is for my second race). I've adjusted things, tweaked plans... it means 3 hrs more driving but hey- it is driving w/heated seats and I have a couple books on tape, plenty of good tunes, heck maybe i'll even try and get some podcasts but man, when I listened to Creed and Mad Dog I fell asleep (i restarted it after waking up).

The road to Asheville has been pretty curious. Curiously fraught with obstacles, emotional, fiscal, physical, resources, time, shit can't figure out what obstacle hasn't been tossed up.

But you know what? that kind of builds more and more, makes this whole Vision Quest thing more descriptive, more real.

We're all different, and most are going down because they can, because it works, because why not. A few others, well it means more. So much more. And how to explain that to those for whom it isn't? I know Fatmarc gets it. I think maybe Hooptysteve gets it. Maybe VeloCB, and a few others, and maybe more than I realize or hear from. Kind of feels in a way that Fatmarc and I are on these two separate Vision Quests, he's like podiumed and shit, i've been lapped twice in a race and have been happy with it.

Life's a funny thing eh?

But hey, 'That' guy will be at Asheville. And please, if you don't mind, be like Trey was at Eco-Cross in Falmouth, reach out, it means more than is imaginable.

Also - Fuck Disney and their Fucking up of Star Wars, as if I needed more reason to hate the mouse empire, i could only wish that ESPN takes them down and makes them disappear, but hey, that won't happen. (too honest and raw?) meh

I'll be the guy riding with a 20 year old timbuk2 huge messenger bag and a second bike over my shoulder through the Biltmore estates, if you see me and have space to drive me? that'd be awesomely appreciated.

heddwch
G

PS: year in review? maybe i'll make it happen sometime...  no promises to anyone this time though.

Native American legands, history, culture and folklore played a very significant part of my growing up. The culture of the pacific northwest natives is rich, amazing and complex. And inspiring. Their art? brilliant. Potlach? A culture of giving more to show superiority, give MORE. Who can out give the next tribe? That.

that isn't culture now...

No...

But so much a focus for me, the Haida, the Tlingit, Tsimshian...  Chinook, all of them....  growing up in the pacific northwest. Aware of the respect and culture, even if just reinforced growing up hanging out with my dog on the cliffs overlooking Colvos Passage.

Vision quests are far more reaching than just w/in the PacNW. I grew up reading about other N.A. cultures where the right of passage around puberty was going off into the wilderness alone, staying there until you connected with your spirit animal.

The vision quest was key in providing direction to post pubescents in the native culture. Now?

Now, we live longer, live is less dangerous despite the car culture of running everyone over and calling it an accident, so maybe we aren't ready to go on the quest as early as we did before?

There's no hiding the fact that @Fatmarc... wait nvm this isn't twitter, Fatmarc labeled nationals this year as a vision quest.

It has been a year in process for me. Missing out on Nationals since 2009. year after year, not able to go.

offers to make it work, but ultimately couldn't.

Last year. I felt like i needed this. So I put in motion, early, this plan. This plan to go to nationals. If you've been following along you know it hasn't been an easy road. I'm not blessed with resources to make whatever happen happen. Not even blessed with the opportunity to work more to make it possible. I work two/three jobs just to make the routine happen w/o being kicked out of our house.

Life's a fucking struggle kid. Yes, Steph always said: "The choices you made." and yes if i had chosen to go to Northwestern School of Engineering maybe I wouldn't be here now. But I didn't. And I'm here now.

Headed to nationals tomorrow. Packing up. getting ready. Bikes ready. Tools packed, spares packed, kit packed, bike wash stuff packed. Or at least organized ready to load in the car.

Vision quest.

Moments of doubt, lots of them. fear, wondering if i should pull the plug and bail. let my wife go to Florida and do her thing that she's done since 2010. But, moments...  i know i need to do this. I know in my soul that there are a huge number of anxiety triggers looming, piles of self doubt to avoid, mountains of uncertainty to ignore looking at.

I have no team this year. I have a team, but we've been kind of disconnected so to speak at races. I have no support going into CX Nats.

I am going in alone, into the unknown, bringing only what I think I can carry and what i can prepare for.

Alone.

To find myself.

GeWilli 2.0 began New Years Day 2014 [deleted - yeah GeWilli went through and edited afterall]

But it is getting close to 2016. So much has changed. Me. Huge change. I've written about it here. I've had an absolutely invaluable coach in Anastasia this fall. Not trainer coach, but focus/life/wellness/mental coach.

It is strange, odd, weird. But good. Dark cloud that was perpetual from '10 until '14 and beyond...  loomed massive and incapacitating in '11 and spiraled down from there. There was one insanely bright light but the extinguishing of that flame let me see my surroundings in a more clear light. it allowed me to see what was of value, how lucky I am. Refocused so much.

Words... I am rambling now, oversharing but hell it is GeWilli - fuck'n nutter.

Vision Quest.

Nationals. Mike Ferrentino's words still ring absolutely motherfucking true.

Pure Sweet Hell.

watch it. again.... and again...

Cyclocross is something different. Not something to be exploited for my own gain or advancement or to pay my cost of living. No. It is something to sacrifice every last ounce of anything just to pursue.

Humans are wired funny, but getting this old I see it happen, people click, they connect (or not) with a passion. The lucky ones find it early and can both monetize it and capitalize on it and live brilliantly happily for ever until they're dead like the rest of us. Some of us don't find it for a while.

Vision Quest.

What do I hope to find in Asheville? Me.

I hope to find, me.

So much work. So much effort. Just to find something i am? Here?

But that's the vision quest. Trials, stress, unknown, what we find at the other end defines us.

Yes. this is my first year racing the 45-49 age group. A bunch of old mother fucking assholes mostly. Biggest bunch of them actually if you look at the pre-reg list. Only SSCX (which i'm also racing) is bigger.

But life.

it challenges us.

this.

is.

a.

challenge.

A dumb challenge by the more pessimistic points of view. But friends like David B and Syl L and Brian G, who came out and kept me honest with the pedaling last night. I'm figuring this shit out slowly but they help push in the right direction.

Anyway, tomorrow is a travel day. But is is the start.

the start of the vision quest. I'm not able to show the restraint with the beer that Fatmarc publicly displays, no, i've pretty much been keeping the cheap beer breweries in business single handed, better could i be? yes. always. Happier? not much. Life is kind of really actually okay.

Delete all of this that I wrote off the cuff? Yes, definitely should. But I won't. GeWilli transparency.

This is me.

I'll see you at Nationals.

heddwch
G

Esp now that I have the Fango on there, the weather is looking wetter and wetter. Dry out? no way, Frozen? not for a 11:30 start from the looks of it. Wet? Looking Limus level.

Also climbing...  hopefully it is punchy and not just sustained stupidness. Maybe some bitching off camber sweetness and lots of turn and sprint turn and sprint.

This does look encouraging:

It may not look daunting now but the @inglesadvantage Heckle Hill is going to make you hurt. #ashevillecx16 #cxnats #crossnatsiscoming

A photo posted by Asheville CX Nats 2016 (@ashevillecx16) on Dec 22, 2015 at 9:57am PST

But man right now feeling overwhelmed. I gotta pack for Christmas AND pack for Nationals? Guess I'm just gonna bring everything.

Weather is exciting. Yes? YES!

Heddwch
G

Did I do tonight's workout? Two sets. After 15 min warm up, and with a 10+ min cool down. After warm up we hit 3 3 min efforts with 1 min rest between. Same or one or two clicks easier gear for recovery between. 3min 1 min, 3 min, 1 min, 3 min holy fuck thankfully we're done oh wait, one more. Then do it again.

The very last one was brutal. Same gear. similar cadence in every one, And by last one the very final the 6th...  holy fuck it was brutal. Syl wanted to do a 3rd. I said "no, we'll save doing three of these for the 3rd week build going into MTB season races, not for maintaining CXy level stuff"

I could have done a third set I suppose but that second one was good. Each at the same cadence, each started off, not easy and finished impossibly.

And then we hung out and talked and it was good.

This was the last indoor 'class' session whatever you want to call it until I get back from Nationals. After Nationals we'll come back, meet up and get everyone prep'd for Collegiate racing or Early season NE classics or MTB or what not. It will be good and worth your time on Tuesday nights in PVD.

Better and worse news. Can't get rid of the creak in the BB of the black (carbon) Blue. I think it is hosed. All the years of racing and riding and commuting and I'm pretty convinced after these couple rounds of "Let's get rid of the creaks" that these are creaks I can't solve w/o getting a new frame. But white blue is crushingly awesome with its new bits. Ancient "I can't believe these have survived this long" (said by SRAM/Zipp support guy) have a Fango glued up now. Bikes, kind of pretty much ready to go through the end of Nats and beyond. Tuned, dialed, refreshed, and ready. Now we need to finalize the g-damn engine, and that f'n self defeating ECU attached to it.

First though we need to sleep.

Then make game plan and yeah. That.

so

heddwch
G

I wrote this (spoke it to phone at night one night on the ferry - have tweaked the words)

The sounds of the Washington State Ferry, lyrical, powerful emotional cuing in on the realization that they mean a lot and it's a sort of a resonance. A recognition, this feeling in knowing where we when you hear it you don't you know what it's like the process or if you don't realize you miss it till you hear about you haven't heard it for a while voice to text so who knows how well this is coming across but its powerful its special, different, the rhythm the ritual the routine each ferry is the same, sounds the same, feel the same, clunk, the everything is amazing

those awkward odd voice to text words wound up into this instagram:

There is an an absolutely unique and indescribable sound that the WSFs make docking. The resonance or the engines or the what ever it is. All the ferry's here make it. One of those if you've heard you know it sounds.

A photo posted by geoff (@ge_willi) on Dec 12, 2015 at 2:50pm PST

heddwch
G

Suppose in this moment of waiting for people to get here I can expand on that a tiny bit.

Simply put Nutcracker and my kids. Also the recognition that I will not get to hang out with them for over a week, and wanted to help take some of the load off and stress off of my Wife's shoulders. With kid's soccer game starting just as the Masters race at Scrubzone finished and my wife working all day at the Nutcracker as a volunteer, well - easy choice. Besides, it was suggested that I ease back into fitness after the long trip to seattle where we played lots of music, drank lots of beer and got pretty much no sleep and ate not a whole lot of food, and well jumping back into a CX race a couple days later still majorly sleep deprived seemed to be on the less than smart side of the equation.

Then the realization that Sandwich wasn't close, and would burn the whole day, and while I had the time, it would mean time I wouldn't be spending getting everything done yesterday that I needed to get done. Like ripping the PDX off. It came off, glue mostly scrapped off and Fango holding air stretching. I'll get what ever glue I have on hand tonight on there and finish up tomorrow evening. So yeah. Bike not ready to race plus so much other stuff made missing Sunday easy too.

JUST KIDDING

After a late night of escaping from being chained into a parking lot by driving over the curb, we all slept in a bit. Me so much that I missed the start of the woman's WC race. So i fired up newest favorite VPN thing and watched the UCI channel's footage on replay and managed to avoid surfing the net while watching the tape delay so I wouldn't get any spoilers, all while doing dishes and making coffee and starting breakfast.

Then grabbed another coffee watched men's race, multi-tasked a bit more, but still got to see the key moments of the race. Then into full speed high gear get shit done mode. It was chaotic as I worked on three things at once, kind of multi-threaded but got a big chunk of the need to get done list accomplished. Still kind of overwhelming amount of shit to do but hey, a start is better than sitting on my ass all day drinking beer and watching football.

And then a casual off hand comment meant to be positive and reinforcing turned up to open a big old can of worms. That was fun. Sort of. At least was good to have a few people I respect the hell out of to back me up a bit and validate my tweet, sounds kind of silly but means a lot when it happened. Who knows what will result out of it all. Probably nothing, but it was a curious bit of excitement just as I was in the middle/beginning phase of making dinner.

Road to Asheville...  oof...  Just me, no team. Seriously, Fatmarc said it best: vision quest. On so many damn levels for me. Pretty much every single level. from the logistics to the athletics to the finances to the motivation to the overcoming major anxieties...  all adding up to finding myself again. Finding really who I am. Me. Alone. About time eh? First year in the 45-49 race seems like as good of a time as any to do it, no?

But it feels right.

Feels good. Negacoach pointed out, correctly, that taking all that time off, completely off to go to Seattle probably wasn't the best idea for the athlete/race, but it was so good in so many other ways.

we'll see what happens eh?

heddwch
g

and i wasn't able to get everything sorted out to the point where I could actually race it.

kind of funny, actually.

I did have time to get on the trainer and get back into the workout level stuff though. got a decent hour, roughly with the warm up and cool down. Did the 'easy' 8 min interval workout with the 3 min recovery. No metrics, just PRE and a fluid trainer. Same gear for all three intervals. pretty close to the same cadence for all three, i feel okay about them esp since they progressed properly: this is work, this kind of hurts, this really hurts, my breathing is super labored, this is f'n ouchy, dying, finished, and surprisingly after 3 min i was totally ready to do it again. Weird but maybe i've been doing this long enough that i can judge the effort some what instinctively.

Scrubzone was today - in East Providence, and I didn't go, didn't race. Kind of odd.

Initially planned to drive to Sandwich tomorrow for that CX race to keep sharp for nats, but there's this other looming thing. Driving both cars to VA. gotta get them both ready for the round trip, and the one my wife will be driving has to have a few things addressed before we leave. I have to work next week and well, hey, sunday will be another trainer session instead of lots of driving time and bike racing. A little bummed but not really. My white bike is hosed. I think the chain is kind of more fucked than that one busted link. It needs some good amount of work and new bits on it before it is race worthy. Black bike as everyone heard still has a f'd bottom bracket. I gotta rip off the worn and almost blown sidewall PDX on the zipp rear and hope the sidewalls hold out. I pumped up my ancient 35c fango, it is still holding air, that puppy should be a good replacement, esp since i have Limus on other rims if needed. if the fango isn't the right tire then the limus is. more or less my current logic on the subject. But it does mean gluing it all up. Also actually means quite a bit of actually wrenching on both bikes before heading south. And the car issues to tackle, and everything else. aka what the hell do i need to bring to nationals. and. oh. christmas. i haven't even begun to think about that.

Well we'll see how much productivity we can pack into tomorrow. Sleep is still on the need to be recharged side of things so i'm gonna try and go find some.

and try not to lay in bed cataloging and categorizing and analyzing everything that has to happen before loading the car....

heddwch
G

Now to recover from it.

One of the more exhausting Yuletide weekends, but also one of the best. It was good.

Story told mostly through the random 'gram moments. But was showing a fair bit of restraint with the two other data hogs I share the mobile plan with, but I think that helped make it a bit more selective. I collected/captured much more data/images/video than I shared, may go back and post the rest at some point. We'll see, at this rate things not done are left behind. Kind of running theme for the season, keeping going, moving forward.

Juggling a massive amount of stuff at the moment, mostly catching up from being gone, trying to get ready.

So I sent two emails off, not as many words in each one as a typical GeWilli post but combined it would have been a long one.

But reply to one got me thinking and reflecting about the years gone by, the days writing letters to close friends and ones i had a crush on or loved or both. Long letters were the GeWilli style, stream of conciousness, some people said it was endearing, but then they were the ones getting the letters.

Moments of reflection today and the last couple days on the difference writing vs digital stuff. Backspacing wasn't allowed. If you were half way through the page and you said something you didn't want to you had to rewrite it all.

That made for more transparency, but more importantly than that, more presence in each word that was put down on the paper. Pens were important to me then. I never wrote in pencil. Letters in pencil? Blasphemy. Each word mattered.

It still does.

But it has changed.

Yes there are times (like now) when GeWilli says fuck it - let them flow, unbridled.

But other times when I write something. Read it, delete it, try to re-write it, delete, try, delete, decide that not doing it is best and move on. Rare indeed. Given my proclivity towards pissing people off and alienating friends like a few consonants that I typed but then deleted because I could and took a moment to think and re-asses the obviousness. Maybe only those named would get it but then maybe those named don't ever read this and then, those who weren't named might think they were indirectly named or.. well you might begin to see why i deleted it.

The concerts were amazing. Totally amazing. One of the best weekends with my brothers in many years. It wasn't easy but it never is. It was also one of the most rewarding years in a long time. I played ok. I'm sure my sister is trying to erase any memory of hearing my playing but on the whole it wasn't bad. I did realize that I can tune my violin to 440 w/o any help. It just sounds right. It is weird but kind of cool. In tune sounds right, but then it jives with my absolute intolerance of out of tune music/performances/recordings. Why are those so painful? Because despite my struggle with hitting each note perfectly, i do actually know when i fucked up, even if it is on every note in that song. Which happened once.

Cue penguins: "smile and nod boys, just smile and nod"

It works when there are one or two other fiddles to cover for your sudden lack of sound heading towards your mic.

Mic'd up. For how many years? 37.

On stage longer to be honest.

That's a long time.

My kid actually put it in a brilliant way after hearing about my NBX on the mic escapades. "He's performing, talking on the phone is different, performing with a mic/violin/whatnot is very different than being afraid/avoiding talking on the phone"

Does that resonate? It struck me when I heard it. My kid understands. My daughter gets me and that's kind of one of the most awesome things ever.

Not just gets me but is able to articulate the difference and why it is possible to do one not the other. That comment has been rolling in my head since NBX. Can't escape it. And that's a good thing.

The concerts were awesome, we were up 22 hrs or so to start (3:30am alarm here in RI to get on the plane) not in bed until 10-11pm Seattle time (3 hrs later than here). Up at 5:30 to empty bladder, out of bed at 8:30 because couldn't sleep any more.  A good amount of sleep, if you weren't already in the pain locker. Next night was worse. In bed much closer to 4am Eastern time than desireable, and awake by 8am Pacific...  after stressful but asweome day....  followed by being awake till 3:30 and by some measures 4am pacific time (7am east coast) only to wake up at 8am ready to go to next concert. Repeat. 2x times. Seriously. In the middle on Monday we got the earlier boat and went to see Nate T at Gemini Fish market. But then an even later night and earlier wake up was on call because we had to fly home.

And we did. And it worked out. And it was awesome.

but i'm feeling like a musician. Which despite the parallels in rigor, discipline and practice are kind of physiologically diametrically opposite.

time to start focusing on and feeling more like an athlete again.

Everyone is seeing Force Awakens...  I think maybe I might get to see it in January, on an early matinee....  near the end of the run, alone, which...  sounds kind of sad but i'm okay with that.

The plan for the next couple weeks is up in the air. Kingsport has suddenly popped up on the radar.... not a bad idea but where the fuck would I stay, blah blah blah all the logistical anxiety triggers that have pretty much kept me from saying 'fuck it' and doing what my heart desires.

NO where near the same state of mind that i was when I started writing this. So many words said in personal emails that might have made it here but won't. Maybe for the better.

For now... i maybe think about sleeping.

I did finish reading "the circle" by david eggers...  talk about a mind fuck, so wanted the ending to be different. ugh. good read though, but SERIOUSLY? ugh...  stupid shark.

I also read two other books out there. The girl on the train (read that on the flight west - enough pulp and not too much mind bender) then read Year Zero by Reid, good book, funny, but wrapped up WAY too quickly... and just ended...  leaving a huge pile of "what????s" but but but - wanted more, but ending was forced and way to fast.

Eggers book? Wow. every review is on point. Fuuuuuuuck but so close it seems. Only character i felt tied to at the end was Ty. Design by Eggers? probably, happy with it? I am.

One last book from the travel binge of checking them out from the library: Wireless...  the collection of Stross short stories...  we'll see if i get through that any time soon.

Still hoping for the Oliver Sacks autobiography to become available on the library. Been waiting a while now. but patient because the books sounds as amazing as his life.

I was fading fast earlier. Now? starting to wake up. Bad sign for sleeping. But hey. East coast time. Gotta sort that shit out before hitting the training plan.

off target, on tangent, whats new...

in honestly GeWilli...

really wanted to talk about what Gabby posted the other day. how deeply it resonated. How much i can relate to the darkness and having no control. But then for me, part of what pulled me out most of the way was pushing through when it felt like i was faking it, that was therapy, it worked, it helped and the constant "i'm doing this because it IS fun" even if it felt hollow and untrue, really was true and while it didn't feel true in the moment it was true over all and looking back it was absolutely true.

I am okay with never being able to come close to the magic someone gave me that one year where I was actually racing with Mottram. That magic didn't come from me and it was fleeting and is gone, but i was touched by it and am so grateful for it.

Perspective is born from patience.

Progress is determination, planning combined with patience and trust.

Progress I've been making. That's enough to fortify the determination and calm the patience. Now if i can just get through the financial aid application w/o breaking down in my normal incapacitating panic attacks that will be a victory.  That's tomorrow's challenge, tonight's is to sleep.

heddwch
G

Well at least there are plans to be paved and commitments made. Aka I signed up for 45-49 and SSCX.

Writing up this weekend needs to happen. SO much good. so much amazing. So much.

Planning for the next 3+ weeks, the build to nationals. How the hell am I going to survive? Not sure, but hey, not eating = lower weight = better w/kg. Need to sell a few more prints. (facebook search nanoscape, click)

Taking the bulk of them with me to seattle though, maybe sell a few there, or not. We'll see.

writing up NBX gran prix is of prime importance, but WHEN. That's been the struggle this year, finding time to write about stuff.

Right now I have a list of other things I need to be doing, not focused on the retelling of the tale, pre-occupied but also feeling compelled and desiring to get the tale of the weekend written down.

It was a pretty solid drama fest, great story, twists and challenges and hurdles overcome as new ones are placed in front.

Yes. those all need to be written so Negacoach can get some sleep, we all know this blog is only good for putting people to sleep so hey, can't test positive for reading a shitty boring web log, and there's no issue with it being used in a way that helps people. Sleep's important. These next couple days/week will be a no sleep crazyfest with all the concerts and the music. But oddly/timing works out. Build to NBXGPCX wind down, recharge before final build towards Nationals.

I mentioned it on the side earlier today - looking at Nationals I don't see it as an end point/the goal. it looks much more like a starting line. A place to begin the next section. Maybe closing the chapter on 2.0 and moving right to the next distro. But so positive. Focus is there despite everything totally falling apart, needing to be replaced but hey can't replace it but, well lets see what we can keep cobbling together to continue the campaign.

how is it all going to work? I have no clue. But i have this odd feeling of acceptance, of faith i suppose, confidence probably. It is strange so I suppose probably confidence is the right way to label it. A confidence it will work out.  I just don't want to be Feldman'd again. Also don't want to have my race decided by 150 guys hitting a 180 turn 15 seconds into the race and being in a total crush of people unable to move, guys swearing and yelling and lifting their bike over their head and then being pulled but seeing the guy five riders ahead of you continue on the course. It is different this year. This edition.

The focus, the maturity, the test of fire, the torture, the reforging, the abject and total rejection, the soul searching the trying to figure shit out, the figuring shit out the kind of awesomeness of how it fell into place. It is an absolute and totally complete struggle, beyond anything I can possibly write here, but it is "manageable" I am making it happen. Help of friends, help of loved ones, help from those who can help. Like the amazing and special and wonderful people who've bought a print or three from me. Those people. Not possible without them.

Sure, my art is just a digital print, but you know what? The time and energy and effort that has gone into each one is far beyond anything that can be painted or just shot with a camera and printed. Impossible to communicate that in the description. Sure some of them are serendipitous events but even those events are the by product of a shit ton of back end work, time spent on the system, years, literally, no joke, figuring out how to eek out just the right combination of contrast. Sure come sit with me on the scope, it looks easy. It looks effortless. Why? Because I worked my motherfucking ass off to get there. But then I am remiss in reminding myself that I actually get paid to do this shit. To teach people how to do this shit, to help them to make sure the tools are working so others can do this. This is what I'm really best at and it is what I'm PRO at. While the art and the prints are so deeply important to part of me, I have to remind myself that there's a whole side of shit that is validating what i'm doing and where I am.

Cyclocross...  I am... cyclocross...  I guess I can keep going back to Mike F's words. The Once you do it you know intrinsically words. those words. They are the truth. I still honestly feel like the new kid on the block. I feel like I don't belong. There are people who've been doing this longer, much longer than I've even known about it. But on the other hand... I can now feel the patience i have seen and been grateful to have been afforded in the past.

I need to write up NBX '15. This year was f'n amazing beyond amazing. Just totally beyond. How to thank Matt B enough? I dunno.

But for now, words, these are what I have. Maybe I can write as I'm flying and traveling the next handful of days.

We'll see.

for now, so stoked on CXNatz! So. Stoked.

heddwch
G

that one thing you can look back on, a comment you made off hand, maybe 50 or a 100 times. In simpler words a lot.

below the fold lies a transition from darkness and frustration and sadness into acceptance and realization and happiness. The process of writing has left me in a much better place than when I started writing that first sentence above this. But I'm keeping it all, unedited, but adding this disclaimer... also: wax on, wax off

Big major positive developments in some areas that give confidence and encouragement towards a successful trip to CX Nats have happened. Namely a couple options for places to sleep, schedules coming down into place, mentally deciding what to race, focus. What hasn't come into place? the whole registration thing. Selling a handful of prints so far has actually covered the cost of the bulk of the races this fall, but there are two big ones left to sign up for, CX Nats, 45-49 and I think I've decided on SSCX, why not? Why not? Because it is fun and while this is super serious it is also two opportunities and if i'm there on Friday why not stay till Sunday. See the logic there? If I'm done racing on Wed then it makes little sense to stay just to watch and it would create some serious personal internal conflicts if i did. It sounds pretty simple and kind of silly articulating that it makes that much of a difference but, I'm being honest. What else can I be here but that.

So the road is moving on, NBX weekend is coming up, Super stoked, also a bit anxious but in a good way. There's a tremendous amount of pressure but I've found a balance I think. Not letting it get to me, but acknowledging it and letting it be there as a positive motivator. Identifying more specifics to focus on as other things fall into place out of habituation and integrated as instinct. NBX, the last big focus before Nationals. How many races left? These two, this weekend, then there's the race out in Sandwich on the 20th, head to Virginia, then head to nationals for those two races. Moving from race focus to focusing on training intensity and carrying whatever gains I have managed to find.

Some races seem to be great, some just the opposite, results seem very inconsistent for me, esp with the cross results points but that's great actually. Numbers are distracting and when the numbers are all over the place and a good race gives bad numbers and a bad race gives good number is a fantastic way to disconnect from the push to improve the results just to get lower points.

Yeah working towards specifically Sunday's race. The last time I raced in Fitchburg it was a gougen course in 2011. And it was brutally cold and I got so cold that I stopped shivering but was able to drive. It did take 45-60 mins of driving in a car that makes a shit ton of heat before i went through shivering and then finally began to get warm again. It was a wide open tough course. And windy and the last race of the year.

This year the race kept the race for the jersey feel, and took the place of one of the favorite race weekends Sterling. No sterling? What? But that's okay, things change and while it was one of the most awesome races and the locale for many great battles in so many races across all the categories. Mud, snow, the Wissell slide, Curley wiping out on the high side of me taking us both out. So many crazy and so many really awesome memories.

But hey Fitchburg, yes not returning since '11 is probably an indicator to how much i love that course/venue, also it is pretty damn far away, for a single day event with a high serious to fun ratio. End of season plus the other factors really seems to draw the serious pointy end of the field. And then there's me. Yes focused, trying to push through and get stronger with Negacoach's help. Is it working? yes but results are sort of kind of could cause some doubt but also, given the holiday, the lack of sleep and everything since Monstah has been the whole kind antithesis of optimal being athlete at the timing around race days so far, well, it is understandable. Or well at least I'm fine with it.

So yeah the race. I forget now anyway.

Just kidding - so out of practice writing about them. Got the workout in on Thanksgiving, Friday, rode to work, the ride in was great, felt good. Ride home after phone meeting with 'Stas? Holyshit my legs were trashed. Like baaaaaad. They felt that work out, but that's what they are supposed to do right?

Saturday was off the bike, running around, watching some youth soccer, taking a crew down for some extra project work, then walking the farm, doing some bike work on the farm bikes, then scouting a location for a summer grass crit and a bridge race at a different venue than Riverpoint in southern New England where the weather may be better and good prep for Hartford next year. Sleep? got some. Dinner? Ate some, but still wound up awake longer than planned, but slept well. Got up early and ate some food, made my breakfast wrap/sandwich thing for the 3 hr time point. Made a pile of coffee, loaded the car and headed to Fitchburg.

Got up there, found a nice spot, got number, got some race intel, headed out for first ride, there was a tire debate in my head. Cliffnotes: I made the wrong choice.

First impression: not a fan of crop circle, too much uninterrupted pedaling sections (yeah yeah shutup) flow was good in many sections, a good balance of CX puke your guts out hard with recover in turns though. Improved? yes. Focus was to try and do it all right today. Fix what I fucked up at Monstah, for results or not, hopefully for results.

Looking at the time difference? Did it work? yes. Did I have a good result? Depends on how you qualify that.

First lap, then kitted up, embro'd, tights, got out for a faster lap. Then got on the trainer and did a warm up. Untimed gut feel myerson style CX warm up. warm up for a while, then go medium hard for a good bit, then rest, then go harder for a little shorter then done. Break sweat, do some work, get warmed up do a few efforts, make it happen. Finished a bit early though. Not too early but earlier than planned. But still wasn't feeling bad, was actually slightly tired. Also so many fast guys. Goal was to hopefully find Tim Young's wheel and race with him. Never saw him. He was gone. Vanished. Start was okay, not great, hit first corner and I got stuffed behind someone else who got stuffed and that set up the next handful of the race. Way too tight IMHO for the first half of a race, too much early selection created groups and strung out the race more than it should have. You basically could only race w/in your group unless you were really in the wrong group one way or the other. Lots of moving back or moving forward but only with great deltas in position to potential. Which is fine, but also frustrating. You'd kill yourself, get through the group and where is the next group? fuuuuuuck that's not good. I felt good leg power wise but we hit the straight stuff and the bike just felt slow, the wind or what, later in retrospect i think the tires. The couple off camber corners were cake money but everything else was torture. For the second time I've picked the wrong tire for the course.

Could I have gone better? maybe if i'd been more agressive at the start, but shying from that because when i have gone too aggressive I wind up blowing up and going backwards, but this course needed that more than others I think. I was still racing people, and that's really all I can ask for. There were guys right in front of me I was chasing all race, I stayed in front of others. I worked my ass off racing, It hurt, I dug deep and it really actually was fun despite the other issued.  Like I said post race, it didn't go quite as well as I had hoped but wasn't as bad as could have been. I had a great time. I raced, I felt the race, I hit my marks and got done what I need to get done, did work, kicked my ass, and took a few steps closer to Nationals.

Recovery ride yesterday aka commute. Hybrid today, indoor workout tonight up at NBX on 4th (212 4th) in PVD. Car up there with trainer - rode down to office to hang out at an advanced microscopy symposium all day. And write this during the heavy math talks and lunch. The equations make my brain hurt.

Focused, moving forward, positive. Kind of weird. There's still so much that I want to say, write and cover but haven't had time to, maybe i'll find time somewhere, some time to make it happen.

heddwch
G

So odd circumstances today. Very odd.

I wind up being alone tonight.

So i made the cranberry sauce for tomorrow.

I made the salad dressing for tonight.

and turned and put Unbroken on the old CRT TV/dvd player combo.

Everyone else is gone till 8. or so.

CRT. Yup. Last person still using one, or at least among the last.

I shed tears at the train station send off. Thanks. Giving thanks. But more than giving thanks and being thankful, what resonated was the giving part of the equation. How few actually give to the point of going beyond? How few give so much to make others happy but rarely never can ask for anything in return?

Is that normal? Or is it just my normal?

it is can be very frustrating at times, when all you want is to have someone give something close to the same level you do routinely.

But then when you're wired to give it all, asking feels so wrong.

plans called to do tempo work, I could have, i got home in time but I didn't, am tired, fall asleep level pass out tired. rest day, tomorrow i kick my ass in the AM on the trainer, at least that's the plan.

Watching this film after having read the book. So strange. Familiar but worse than the Giver even.

Worked today, not much, just a little. core work, but strange this day.

tomorrow different.

Curious exchanges on twitter...

Life. strange. weird. what do we do?  or what do I do?

do not know

words trickled to a stop

watching film, still nothing more powerful, or tear rendering than the train station scene...

Thanks.

I am so thankful for so much, for so many friends, so many people who have touched my life and made it better.

Thank you all...

heddwch
G

Time seems to be slipping, slipping

And the future seems to be one where there is little time to write.

Despite still being totally blasted exhausted from this weekend I headed over and lead the indoor ride at NBX on 4th and we did some 3x8 min intervals. A good solid 75 min on the bike. Had to mix it up from last week.

On The Road to Asheville.

Still on it. The Cliff notes to this weekend's pedaling efforts were: run all over the course in big boots all day on Saturday after waking up whikked early, sit down and write women's payout checks so Josh could race, then after the 3/4 race follow Myles around and do course switch over.

"where are the stakes?" way over there. "Okay can you bring them here?" Yup.

"pro-only section is closed, can you bring all that stuff down to the flag pole?" Yup. Not a problem Myles.

Kind of have to use both caps and non-caps, no?

Maybe no.

The road to Ashville. A massive heaping pile of unknowns. But odd confidence that it will work out. Odd in that this confidence is so not the old GeWilli. He'd be stressed the f'out right now despite it being in January and not having reg'd and and and and and.

Yes there are nagging 'what the f'am I gonna do' but they are manageable esp given current focus.

The road started on Saturday at Monstah, but really the next steps were . NBX on 4th we had a bit of a kick ass trainer sesh. The most amazing and wonderful giulia brought her husband and we had two of the most king pin members of the Danger Zone to round it out. Justin and Patrick were ready and willing and we made that hour fly by. It was good. Personally I hit my marks that the vaulted Negacoach pointed out would be good to hit. And we all cruised through a painful but effective (hopefully) workout. IT WAS AWESOME. I think I actually may have written about it already. Ooops. Then what?

Yesterday. Plan called for tempo/threshold work. But I called a Brady audible and got sideline approval to do the VO2 Max workout instead. And I did it. Maybe over did it but holy crap did I kick my own ass.

Felt fine this morning riding in in recovery mode. But once i started to ride home tonight? OUCHYWAHAH. My legs were HOSED. I liked it. But knew given that I'm just recovering from a cold that ouchy legs and lower immue system was a good idea/sign to ride easy/recovery all the way home.

Bike path was deserted. Just me. And a few bunnies.

Oh and a headwind. Worse than last night.

Supercross Cup this weekend. SUPER STOKED. Racing only on Sunday but I'll be there Saturday, can't wait to see what magic Myles has created this year. Also the weather is going to be a bit better than last time I was there.

There's the potential to race both days, but some odd calm acceptance is rolling through my veins, i'm totally cool with just racing one day, it is weird, but good, and weird and makes me happy that it is good even if weird, because that means there's some elevated level of confidence.

Dipping back to the last post. And referencing Anastasia's coaching, at one point she asked me to put the idea that sucking and struggling at Monstah into a positive point of view. I put some words together in the lines of well now i'm motivated to not be lazy, to overcome the negative, or something, I had a much better off the cuff statement that I can't remember right now. But she prodded and poked and questioned in her brilliant way "can you phrase that in a more constructive way?" And I did. But I didn't really believe it until cogitating with sore legs pedaling home.

Confidence.

That's what it gave me. Helped to solidify the foundation i've never really been able to rely on. Self Confidence. Always lacking. Maybe this is the actual turning point. The point 44 years later when I finally realized what the fuck is going on.

Also that switch paragraph?

I expounded with a friend this morning. figured might as well share while I'm writing:

When you're depressed/sad/overwhelmed or tend to be on that end of the spectrum, brooding, overthinking, and someone says, "just flip the switch" it really does make it worse. Esp when they think it works for them, maybe it does but if 'i' could flip the switch and have it do something i would have a long time ago. A few other friends who struggle much more significantly than I do/have/hopefully ever will have expressed similar frustration with people's 'helpful' suggestions. "Yes, I know you're trying to help but you're actually making it much worse, reminding me that I don't have direct control over any of this."
Yes, flipping the switch, making the changes, I struggled with that paragraph a little, mostly trying to figure out how to put those words together in a way that fully explained it, but i feel i got it close enough.
I may have just figured the better metaphor. flip switch, nothing happens. Why not? Is it the bulb? Change the bulb, nope, maybe this bulb is dead too, but this is the only light, how do we test it. Try another bulb? okay that one was brand new. Move on maybe it is the switch? maybe the switch is faulty, maybe the wiring, maybe the fuse is blown, or maybe the power is turned off and there's no electricity anywhere.
so flipping the switch won't do anything unless everything else is working in perfect order. Now some people may have a working switch but maybe their plumbing is all messed up, or they have termites.
i think that's the better way to explain how/why flipping the switch doesn't work.

Okay... now take that and lets roll with it. More of a computer maybe, push the button, why doesn't it work? Why not turn on? The more complex the system the more challenging it is to trace the fault and the more likely the fault is more complicated than one disconnection.

Now plenty of people can just flip the switch, but then maybe they have other issues, plumbing? termites? flooding? who knows. There are a few perfect people out there, but that is an exception not the rule.

So tonight, after over doing my Vo2 Max intervals last night perhaps, or just being tired from doing two workouts in a row? ME? WTF? I bagged it. Tried to take a photo in the dark (check the instagram) and made it home.

Made dinner and am SIGNED UP FOR MOTHERGUKCING SUPERCROSS CUP

SOOOOOO EXCITED

Can't wait.

write up Eco-Cross and Monstah? maybe tomorrow. But I may be using the hour or two I have of mid-day down time to work with my brother. Gotta find some way to make some cash to pay for food while i'm away.  But hey maybe i'll bring keyboarded device and have chance to smash out a few words this weekend.

Also, check out this blog http://wheelsuckerdiaries.blogspot.com/ mutual friend connected Ray to me...  kind of amazing how small the world can suddenly become.

Ok time again it seems to attempt to get some sleep. Life is crazy, and sleep is important (at least for some of us, i'm not lucky enough to be one of the ones i know who can make it w/o sleep, i do pretty well for a while but then, yeah i become mortal soon enough).

So much good stuff going on. Life. It is good. But ya gotta make sure you are paying attention to the right stuff.

heddwch
G

Life? Yes must be that.

Life has been keeping me from writing or when I have the time I have no energy or ability to put words together that make sense.

Super biggest bummer is I've had one or two great blog posts/day written in my head but no way to get them written down (racing to commuting to life).

Take evidence that Eco-Cross posted results on Crossresults BEFORE I WROTE ABOUT THE MOST AWESOME CROSS RACE OF THE YEAR!

And the worst cross race of the year for me (x2) was saturday BUT SOMEHOW I MANAGED TO HAVE TERRIBLE RACE, MOMENTS OF MASSIVE NEGATIVE DOUBT BUT COME AWAY FROM RACE SUPER STOKED FOR REST OF SEASON?!?!?!?  WTF?

Two things really today.

First I guess the catalyst for clicking this browser bookmark and writing:

Win or Learn, there is no Lose.

I saw it in many forms today, that's what I kind of distilled it down to, the do or do not there is no try variation.

It is most often put with some inspirational picture as I win or I learn but i never lose. Or I never lose, I either win or learn.

Pick your variation to the theme, what resonates. What works.

Point being, just but stepping to the line you succeed. Starting and even not finishing, well while you may not win, you can learn and improve, but you'll never lose.

One bit of the 'news' i alluded to in another post, was that I've been working with a coach this fall. Not a trainer, a college friend who is taking a course about wellness/life coaching. Three sessions so far. An hour on the phone. The first round of pre-questions filled me up with anxiety and locked me down. They were not easy to answer. But each time on the phone something clicks in a positive way, a puzzle piece falls into place that resonates in a good way. It is odd. But good.

I've been focusing more on positive wording, and it works.  Aka plymouth cx.

I've been learning more. Haven't been winning much, but here and there, bits of luck feel like victories. Aka a win.

Another bit of facebookery as maybe it could be called. A few friends posted a link to http://www.curiousapes.com/the-science-of-happiness-why-complaining-is-literally-killing-you/ while I linked it, I didn't read beyond the headline.

But find lots of truth resonating in the title.

Not racing NoHo is tough. But not bad. This weekend will have a different focus. But Eco-Cross is coming up on Wednesday. Should be good.

Chilling with the kids tonight - watching the worst star wars movie even though it is still Star Wars.

life and stuff...  it isn't so bad...  it is pretty damn good.

heddwch
G

It is in the books. Done and cooked.

Got a top ten in a light field on Sunday, Mark G pulled out of his pedals but kept it upright at the start, we'd already more or less reached top speed when he did so it created a bit of a excitment. Half the field (small field only 23 finishers and I think everyone finished) attacked, the other half hit the brakes. Somehow I got behind half the ones hitting their brakes and found myself a few positions out of last. Not much passing was happening, and I passed where I could...  by the time Mark rode back up to me there was no one in front of me. No one that I could reach. Mark caught me and well that means he's faster and he caught a few more. There was one more guy to get but I got him before or around when Mark passed me and that was it. Problem: Once Mark got a bit of a gap on me I was alone. The KIT guys were working together and I know they wanted to get back to me, they were the last couple I rode past in a section somewhere. But there wasn't much going on in front of me.

No racing. Just racing. Different. And usually when I just sort of mentally crack and slide back and then the chasing group gets that mental edge and catches me, and drops me.

It has always been a problem. That losing focus and drive when there's no one in sight. it is easy to motivate when there's someone a few turns ahead, even if they are just right there, and not getting any closer, they can be motivating.

So once Mark rode off, I conciously said to myself "Okay today we're going to keep focused and race and attack the sections we need to attack to keep the gap."

And it worked. I had counted back, I was in 10th, when i could see Tommy F and the rest. It was that spot you pop out from the two track out on to the grass. Could see them all there for a while.  Having lap times were cool.  Day one I could have sworn I had a really really slow lap but it was marginally consistent. Looking at both days right now it is funny. Slow first lap (traffic), fast next two laps, slower next couple. Day two the last one was slow because I knew those guys weren't going to get me and I took it easier on the finishing stretch.

So yeah, Day 2 would have normally been my downfall, but somehow I figured out how to pull it out of my butt and stick close to where I should. I don't think there's anyway I could have ridden up to everyone but if I had wound up on Gary D's wheel maybe I could have finished another place higher. I'm not faster than Gary at the moment and staying with him would have meant blowing up. But then probably still winding up back where I belong, but then maybe if I hadn't had to pass 10 guys on the first lap to get up there maybe I could have eeked out one more place. Maybe. But it doesn't matter, it was a good day, a great ride. But man I was tired, super cooked from the weekend. Legs feel good but rest of body just fatigued.

Slept a lot last night. Borderline too much but hey, almost feel rested right now.

Day 1 was the bigger unknown. New location for Plymouth for me. I missed it last year, and didn't realize that I missed it until Friday night. Oops. Oh and Solobreak decided he wanted a head to head with GeWilli. So he opted for the 45+ instead of the 55+ with Cronoman and the rest of the old dudes.

But I was late, very late, got there with time to ride between the women's race and the elite men's race. Barely got two laps in. Lined up, in the middle, one of the KIT guys hooked bars with me momentarily, the whole left side went right and it got super sketchy and well, I slide back a bit but not too much. we hit the downhill two wide and the orange guy next to me endo'd spectacularlly and that opened up a bit of a gap, then i passed a couple more here and there and wound up on B-Mac's wheel. And we raced and passed guys and and got caught by a very motivated Tucker but most of the race it was B-Mac Gary J and me. In some random order. Gary ate it a few times and put B-Mac and me in front then he'd just motor back. At some point B-Mac gapped me a tiny bit or i faded, then Gary got around me...  just before the last lap I could see the exeter guy gaining on me (Vogel) and I made a hard ass effort to get back on Gary and B-Mac's wheel by running full gass up the run up.  SUPER DUMB - because normally I'd 80% it up and was recovered mid-way through the woodsy section. I was still gassed hitting the ball field grass. Whoops.  BUT Vogel didn't catch me and I had a nice number day.  Race number: 711, finished in 11th (beat the predictor thanks to B-mac day of) first lap 7:11 Bummer that Solo had a bad race but also somewhat surprised he wasn't anywhere near us.

So yeah Vogel got close but not close enough, I got close to Gary but no close enough.

From there, raced home, then headed to Brother's 40th b-day and family TrT then home and sleep. I think there was something funky in that punch because I was a wee bit fuzzier in the morning, but then it could have been partly the insane morning, and the fact that i was wide awake at 4am....  Oh and lots of coffee but no eggs, meant no breakfast sandwich before the race which is my habit and routine. So I ate a big bowl of chili and rice for breakfast. And had a few bites of some of my mac and cheese from friday night's left overs just before the race. Seemed to work or at least wasn't a significant hinderance.

Super low key but day one racing it, felt so much like Plymouth. Awesome downhill, run up, power sections, tight stuff, great flow, just felt like Plymouth. And It was good.

Too bad there was such a light turnout, but hopefully enough turned out to make it work for everyone. Such a great course to race on. So good. And B-Mac gave me a huge compliment over on the faceplace in a comment, means a lot coming from him "That was a fun one. It was good racing with you! You are a smooth rider."

Okay - that's lunch. Except I didn't eat lunch (I ate it earlier - or at least half of it).

Oh and Maple. that NECX mad alchemy embro. People kept saying "Is that Maple? Do you smell that? IT SMELLS SO GOOD!" (direct quote overheard) others said "what is that? it smells good?" random happiness smelly watts shared around. Better than smelling like menthol, aslo while not needed it is fun, it feels good on the drive home with the heated seats. Downside: when you put it on w/o gloves... well it takes a while to get the smell out from under the fingers even when you scrub them and do a sink full of dishes. Also it is a bit wet and shiny and sticky. And slippery, rubbing knee on toptube at the spot where you pick the bike up transfers some slickness to the hoods. Nothing I couldn't handle or worth discontinuing use of so...  until I run out i'll be likely smelling like maple sausage.

No NoHo for me but I'm planning on Eco-cross.

heddwch
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holy fucking shit i'm sucking at web logging lately.

priority has been not this anywhere near where it needs to be.

But that's okay. I'm writing now, waiting for garlic to slowly turn golden brown in the butter for the from scratch mac and cheese, yeah yeah pasta, change it up eh? dietary confusion, we're humans and shit. Also okay to have them things in the evening after a day with low insulin spikes.

Also - can't wait. in 20 years the WHO is going to label Insulin as the most carcinogenic compound ever discovered.

Suck it you sugar lovers, it is dumb and makes you fat and sit. But if you're moderately healthy you can indulge a bit in the evening when your body can handle it appropriately.  But first thing? Ugh.

NO THAT WASN'T JUDGEMENT.

I might be an asshole but i care deeply about my friends and only want the best, it is kind of a problem.

Nationals opened up, haven't reg'd yet. Will do that somepoint.

I did plan out the next couple weeks with racing. But what the fuck am I going to do between NBX and Nationals? We need a Christmas/New Year/holy week race series in MD/DC/VA leading up to Ashville. don't we fatmarc?  MAKE IT HAPPEN PEOPLE i need extrinsic motivation.

Nanoscape stuff is moving along, I'm out a few prints since last time I mentioned it, and I've discovered a good way to ship all but a couple of them, $7 priority. so. i need to figure out how to do a web page thing and or maybe just set up a pay pal thing and put it on the facebook page or something. They are not the massive high cost large format prints that are up at Firefly Bicycles, but they aren't bad and are me and are cool and support the GeWilli.

I have a good handle on the next collection, actually, honestly, super excited about it.

The picture factory has been super busy - rotations are transition and the grad students are all clamoring for new training and it is crazy, and there's been a few extra hours spent working with my little brother, and life. So little sitting down and writing.

But oddly it is all working.

Couple notes about racing CX.

Those heckles and stuff. You know, if you've been doing it for a while, there are people who are really good at motivating you and getting you to focus on the right things and there are people who despite intending and wanting to do the opposite totally burst your balloon and luff every sail you've set. Bobby Stine is one of those who always says the right thing that clicks and helps and is additively benificial. Solobreak? Don't tell him but he's good too, and I have to say getting is post race eval of the course before I race is so amazingly brilliant, I hate that now we're backed up into the same time slot.

I'm talking about those points specifically about Fruitlands. Gary and John fucking out did themselves there. If you missed it you're an idiot, or you had better find a goddamngoodexcuse, because that was awesome.

Positive. focused. moving forward.

i'll admit to something soon, probably after tomorrow.

But also Saturday, we do the whole Plymouth thing. Which, let me tell you. Plymouth has HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE emotional ties for me on so many levels. For example 2007: that asshole jersey pro wearing the Sachs kit? Well I finally met that d'bad I'd been racing and trading places with for a year inside the school at the old Plymouth North HS. You know who he is.
Also the only time I shared a ride with Tatar he goes and separates his shoulder trying to hop the single barrier at Plymouth North, I drive him hom. It is also the place where MLFN and I carpooled together and after dropping Mark off my youngest said "He's my favorite Mark." Plymouth has always sort of wound up being the point in my season where i've hit peak fitness before fading, but this year is different (swapping with NoHo).

Plymouth is also the place where my best friend flew in to race that weekend. His wife gave him a 40th b-day present of a airplane ticket and races with me. We hung out, it was f'n awesome. We had a f'n blast.

The next year I was introduced to some sassy sharp MIT girl with Bottom Bracket issues...

point being every year has been crazy significant. Heck if my BB30 bearings had not failed one year I might have had a chance at beating Mottram for the sprint for 3rd or 4th.

it is where we learned from paul curley that cones are just a suggestion.

As much of an antithesis of a location/course/vibe, it kind of almost IS the essence of CX for me.

Strange how much that place is linked to everything.

And it is this weekend.

Not NoHo, kind of the opposite. The place where I've almost killed someone, the place where i discovered that not-drinking and not-eating is bad, calories are calories and not replacing them because you're used to drinking them, the place where I've left my car at the race overnight, the searching for lost keys, it is the one that I want to have Plymouth like vibes but don't. And guess what. They are swapped.

This year. Such a struggle. Would have better to have Cinci CX switch weekends than NoHo. Seriously. But I'm not in charge and that's a good thing.

I'm curious as to what the schedule change brings to the table. I can't make it to NoHo this year. Too far, the obligations that were there but possible to fullfill and make it to Plymouth are impossible to make work for NoHo...  so.. we'll see.

But hey, even my bad races this year have been awesome because I was racing people, and really...  who cares if we are racing for 1st or racing that guy you've never beaten for 50th place.

The essence of competitiong, the motivation to do our best.

My training has not been quite what I had envisioned this year but it also has been more intune with what I can do. It means I'm no where near where I was when I spent a summer riding with Becca, but all given I'm not that far off and hey does anything matter other than Nationals? Yes. the answer is yes other things matter.

BUT - huge relief, i've figured out where I'm going to use 15 of my 20 vacation days over the next three months. AND the spring promises to offer a hugely rewarding replacement to CX so hopefully i can push off the depressed slump.

Things aren't bad, and honestly they are pretty good. Need to leverage Goldberg and Snyder and see about doing a low residency thing, that would be icing on the fucking cake of awesome.

I love what I do and I'm good at it, but sometimes I do wonder...

Life...

it is really fucked up eh?

Plymouth this weekend? really? Time Change? at least I'm local for my little brother's 40th birthday party. I'm actually stoked about the two presents I bought him. I super suck at figuring out presents for people but I think maybe these are pretty awesome.

McMaster-Carr FTW!

Dinner is almost ready, time to switch focus and pull back...

back to what's occupied me for weeks

for the better...

life...

and hugs are the best, have to say best hug this season has been from Andy Huff at PVD. I would love to challenge everyone to beat his hug, because hugs are the best thing besides water filtered through a brewery.

heddwch
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YEAH EUROPE WORST BAND EVER...

but when I said to myself "this will be the final smackdown of the year" somehow it was said in THE FINAL COUNTDOWN lyrics.

Wed night races transistion into wed night smackdowns pretty easily. Last week was an off week and yes - i've a huge backlog to write about. And that's a good thing. But i'm going to crack open a beer and talk about tonight's ride.

Tonight's ride started at somepoint, i dunno when, but yes, daylight is fading, we're losing the light. But it is also my favorite fucking time of the year to commute...  because of this:

One more shot on the way home. How could i not. #eastbaybikepath #bikecommute

A photo posted by geoff (@ge_willi) on Oct 13, 2015 at 2:50pm PDT

Because every ride home is the most wonderful sunset... or is close. So yes - we are losing daylight, that happens 'round here.

Smackdown happened last week, but not with me. I haven't been out for quite a few iterations. Last couple were attempted on the CXy bikes and that totally didn't go well. Not much fitness, terrible bike position, slow gearing, heavy wheels. Bad combo.

But then I started racing CX. A double at Quad to open it up - sure maybe there were a half dozen Take 5's consumed between the age group race and the SSCX race. And it was hot. And I was wearing a jumpsuit racing the garbage truck. So yeah. Beers + SUPER heavy noodle bike + wearing a parachute = not best race ever. But was still fun. Made Eric L think he's faster than me, so that's worth while.

Then I did a back to back double at Riverpoint, to prep for racing the short handled shovel challenge 4 days later. Then did that and wow that was. well anyway, super fun but crazy nuts. Best race was in the elites after a few Take 5s on the white blue but wearing orange jumpsuit.

TAKE 5 - can't, no take fives here...

After midnight came G-ster 45+ and that was way more awesome being in that catergory than I could have hoped. It was brilliant.  I had shitty start day 1 and chilled until traffic thinned and then went from pretty much last to 47th on the first page, day two, somwhat similar but bottle necks happened way earlier than day one and well - only managed 51st or something...  but still close to last at the start. Passing people.

THEN Night weasels, slow leak from cut sidewall meant i finished the race on the garbage truck after starting last row with Fatmarc's little brother and Timmy Young, passing up to close to 30th place or higher before flatting and giving back 30 places just trying to get to the pits. SO that was fun. Couple days later raced SSCX at providence and holy shit - Friday was the WORST bike racer experience EVER. it always it. Every. F'n Year. I love the course, I love the venue, but some how they manage to f'up the non-elite experience HUGELY every year. But I had a great race after a few first lap mechanicals. Passed people. Raced it. Finished, went to builders ball, didn't sell any prints but they looked good behind the Firefly bikes so there was that.

Worked the race for people. Took the week off. Raced Mansfield hollow, dropped the chain, Spencer passed me, mentally unplugged lost time because no one was behind me. Redemption at MRC. Love that place. And then...

well so...  Last week was rest week going into the weekend. Arguably needed more rest, but we can rest once cross is over, right? But this week early I got thinking "need to do smackdown" but sunset is getting close to 6pm and if we start at 5pm on an hour plus ride that's just cutting it too close. SOOOOOO

THE FINAL SMACKDOWN was born.

In my head.

and well - as lead loud mouth on the Prov Velo club, well LETS MAKE IT HAPPEN. Got Edgar C to showup, David E too, Andrew, the Fox, Kyle, Colby and at first some kid who let a gap open and then I had to bridge and never saw him again.

Was a good solid crew. No Chris Bailey or Eian. Thankfully or maybe not...

But there's no way i'm doing this ride/race on a CX bike in CX position NO SIR. And the Quantum Pro stil has wheels on it so...  why not! But this morning I was thinking about every advantage I could cash in on so I dug out the wheel covers. And, yes, since the rear wheel already weighed a ton, why not make it Aero as well. Disc cover. F'Yeah.

Man the bike fits differently than the others. Rode in. Good day. Chill ride in. But no sleep last night, okay some but NO WHERE NEAR ENOUGH. So tired. But here I am writing at this hour of the night. Go figure.

So couple things. I elected to wear the new lid that Freddie B forced me to buy. It is hunter blaze orange, and yeah, it has some swagger factor for me. I wore my HotSauce Racing cap that Mark McC gave me at PVD. And the orange PVDVC kit, with my orange socks. But before leaving I grabbed that new container of NECX embro. Because Why the FUCK wouldn't a race pace road ride qualify as Embro worth, also sheen and heat and stuff.

Headed out, rolling past the boat house on a warm up lap with Kyle and we rode through a swarm of mother fucking gnats. And well guess what, the sheen is strong but it also is a great fly trap for dozens of tiny black flies that hung out for the rest of the ride... Le sigh.

Headed out. Edgar pushed the pace. I took over, peeled off on Woodward and once again wound up behind the green one who let a MONSTER gap open after a turn and well, I dragged Colby back with me. Happens so many times but every time i give the ride the benefit of the doubt, maybe they won't suck as much as they look like they will. Yeah nope. It has happened though so I will probably keep doing it because the alternative is being a dick and I try to avoid doing it intentionally. Accidentally? I do it way too often for my own comfort.

So crushing it. Bike feeling not bad. Unfortunately my rotation comes up as we turn up Pine. 80%, no more. fuck those guys, they wanna go faster - GO FASTER. Took em a while, actually took me flicking the elbow. Way too long setting pace on Pine = BLOWN for final sprint. #SADTROMBONE But caught up and then rolled into second wheel.

And had an epiphany.

Second wheel is THE MOTHERFUCKING BEST PLACE to recover. Why? SOOOOO FUCKING SMOOTH. But saddly it means you're in the wind sooner. Which was fine because I felt recovered enough to drill it at 80% again, until flicking and letting the pack roll past. Rocky hill, felt not bad, so I held back, didn't content hoping to have something for hillside.

Forgetting that we have a hungry Andrew, Fox, and Edgar (all about the same size and because at least the first two were:: pro level VOMax) still hanging out, And well. Hillside kind of sucked but then we CRUSHED it on the next segment and did a good job beating the one I wanted to get ahead of on Strava, granted now I'm 8th behind all the guys who I lead out for half the segment.

But then motor and chill. Such a great ride.

Followed up with a tailwind home.

Made some chili, had a beer, time to sleep and reflect a bit.

Things have been good. No not good. Mostly awesome. I do need to sell a few more prints to pay for the run I had done, and deliver the three that were requested. So. Maybe I'll have time to put that togehter but looking at $30 for a ~12x19 or so signed print. It won't cover costs until they are all sold but there aren't that many and maybe there are enough people who like black and white art work who might help cover costs of doing this crazy thing called art. But hey, if art was easy we'd all have Etsy accounts, wait maybe I should (no probably not). anwyay.

Felt good on the bike. Couldn't stay with the young kids who are 50+ pounds lighter than me on the hills, but i'm okay with that. I came close to dropping everyone on Homestead riding at ~80% so I feel good about that. Confidence boosted.

This next weekend is up in the air, we'll see. Othe than NOT being at NoHo/CSI this year I don't have a clue what the rest of the season looks like other than racing NBX.

better figure that out i suppose.

anyway. maybe time for another beer to wind down from writing. Or maybe not. It is late. Gotta act at least a little like an athlete.

heddewch
G

With coffee, laptop...  internet.

Kind of feel pulled to go over to the Race right now. Balancing that with having to be here in time to get Kid who isn't driving yet where she needs to be. I had my timing slightly off though, her schedule is a wee bit later than anticipated. Whoops.

Should be good though. I hope.

I chose not to race this weekend, I did get some Roger Williams Park racing in though, on the SSCX course. And after double at Quad, double at Riverpoint, Triple at Midnight Ride, Gloucester both days, then Night weasels, racing the SSCX here in PVD finally cooked me.

Also cooked me was trying to get some images together for the Builder's Ball. But well that didn't go over so well. Not so good at selling the stuff. But hey, it isn't exactly the perfect place for it to happen. People are there to drink beer and drool over bikes. And it was fun to see everyone and catch up. Chapman and Zanc and the firefly guys...  anyone else? I dunno were there other people there? Yeah there were amazing people there. It was a good time but also after racing SSCX then heading there standing around, getting home late, not falling asleep till after midnight. Yeah was late and no racing was totally right call.

Holy Fortnight is over, the season has started and time to lay out the plans for the rest and see what happens.

I was at the venue yesterday, setting up the tent, bringing wheels for Mark McC of Hot Sauce Racing, working for Jessica Cutler, and the Red Truck guys. Plenty of pre-race work to do, Jess's shoes, tire pressure, bike tweaking, lubing wiping down, Raphael's brakes, all the stuff. Then having a quiet and uneventful time in the Women's race watching Jess move through people, Watching Becca work through even more people (when she figures out the starts? watch the fuck out everyone). Then the Men's race happened, I gathered Mark and Mike's stuff, headed to the pits and started the shortest commute ever. Back and forth. Side to side. For a bit there was a nice gap, Mike way up front, Raphael in the middle and Mark McC trying to ride after puking in the AM and not eating anything all day. Then Raph had a flat, super smooth exchange (no helper to catch) and he started mowing people down. Pretty soon they were coming in together, but fortunately no other exchanges happened and we finished up w/o problem. Got them back and then took the tent stuff down packed up the tools and trudged back to the car.

Now to head over and do it all over again.

So while not racing there's plenty of CXy love happening. It was fun to see everyone, hang out, steal a beer or two from the Hup tent cooler (located conveniently between Jess's warm up location at the Jamis tent and the tent i brought for the Red Truck guys). Hugs from Shoogs, he's a good hugger btw.

And yes, Hugs are good. Important.

NECX is a big hug party waiting all year to break out in the fall and carry through until the dark of winter creeps in and we refocus, and prepare for the next season.

Getting older is odd too. I've been around the sport of cycling for a long time. A fan for longer, a wrench the longest, but always just riding a bike. Growing up it wasn't trying to go fast, it was a way to get around, freedom, and it was fun to ride. Fun to wrench.

I was talking with Mark McC after the race last night, as night was falling and everyone was packing up and leaving. CX is special. NECX is different, and I know Chip just wrote a big old post on NECX, I don't need to, but it is sort of yeah, like family. Sometimes there's some tension but there's so many ties, so much love, that over time it eases and eventually releases the tension and we all grow and whatnot. I'd say mature but that's fucking never going to happen. More like a good vintage wine. Life eh? But talking with Mark the voice of Pure Sweet Hell comment about knowing intrinsicly (i wish I had purchased that damn DVD while i was in print but that's okay i have it on some digital media stick thing) but that. You just know. Once you do it you just have to do it.

They say Maloney started it, and the cali guys too. But Ron Manizza, Tom Stevens, Paul Curley, The Sykes. Those guys laid the foundation all of North American Cyclocross stands on. And they are still an integral part of NECX. They are the guys that put a punk kid named Myerson on a CX bike. They are the ones that got the McCormack brothers racing cross. I won't go on too much more, I promise.

Just wanted to unload a few words. Wanted to say that i've had a few emotional speed bumps this week but due to this bike racing thing, this family, the hugs, it has been so good, so positive.

heddwch
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Too much freaking stuff to do, esp with taking day off tomorrow, But how about that for song title, for the song that got it to click this weekend.

Not that the song made it click, but it clicked for me. Cascade of little things I guess. Kind of like going the other direction which I am unfortunately much more familiar with.



So yeah...  Swaggah back...  Started the drive up with metallica black album, switched over to Wugazi and TURNED IT ALL THE F'N WAY UP!

Of course it was the song titled "Slow Like That" that clicked and not until the end. (time stamp 3:41 or so)

I wasn't sure it was back on Saturday actually, it was close, and it was fun and awesome, and I need to sit down and write more. Probably tomorrow over coffee.

New helmet make the difference? Maybe. Hanging out with friends? Maybe, being at Gloucester? Maybe. Everything really. Getting the food timing down, just everything kind of clicked. And it just FELT RIGHT racing in the 45+ mostly because this is the group that I first really started racing with in New England. Either they started in the 3/4 35+ with me that first or second year and were there when I went to the 1/2/3. It was pretty awesome. A good age division. And in a way makes Providence Bittersweet. It would have been so awesome if Richard Fries had decide to stick with a 45+ race instead of doing a 35+ and then 50+. I'd probably have signed up to race despite the cost. But cost plus no category? Not a chance to race the weekend.  But it also means I was able to race Midnight Ride for less than the cost of Saturday race, and race tomorrow night at Night Weasels, and still have money left over for a case of "Swill beer" to put in Jerry and Kurt's pockets.

I'll recap more of the racing later - but yeah, first page day one? AWESOME, esp given 80th place start and maybe 5-10 people behind me at the first turn? 47th was good. It was great. A better start position, fewer bottle necks and probably a handful of places further up. Similar story on Sunday, 74th place start, but slower and more bottle necks very close to the start put the top half (first page) more or less out of reach for me. Even f I had a Mark Legg Compton I don't think it would have been enough to work through it all on that particular course. We were super slow and stacked up and there was more than a minute by guesstimations before the pits. Didn't matter. Was racing. Was awesome.

Took me a bit of lunch and emailing and work to get through the Wugazi album to find the song with that particular lyric. But it worked. Dealing with CL and the selling of the car is killing the mojo, knocking the swagger down but I've figured out a plan, and fuck those low ball underbidders. that said I should just take any cash offer at this point to make it go away, but there's actually a fair bit of interest, so I think it is probably at the right point and just a matter of time before I can say good bye to the rusty race wagon.

Now to get some digital files together, head up to see my print guy, and do a run of small prints for the builders ball. Probably find them at the Firefly booth... More details as it is finalized.

Flood watch for Night Weasels. Yeah. 1"/hour? DAMN gonna be NUTS. Bike choice will be kind of key eh? Need to do some tweaking and configuring before heading north tomorrow.

heddwch
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