You all know I have issues with my birthday. But today? Was a good day.

my plan for 200k kind of vanished by sleeping in, but hey SLEEPING IN!

And having no one to ride with meant I COULD LEAVE WHENEVER I WANTED (aka sleep in)

I thought about lots of people, it was a good day, thought very little about myself. I rode my bike

I explored. I didn't check the phone too often for directions. I got where I wanted to go.

Instagram or Strava can tell you the details and show you the photos.

came home, showered, went to the store, made dinner. Having one last beer then going to bed early.

The lack of coffee finally drove me out of bed. Came down to find the kids had made pop-overs, coffee and were just starting to make some eggs to make me a breakfast sandwich (using the pop-overs). The two sandwiches were amazing BTW. So good. They messed up the coffee a little, but there was coffee when I came down and the second il Primo batch was ready when I finished the first one.

Mt Hope bridge. Fuck. That. Bridge. Ugh. I will freely admit to having an illogical fear of bridges and heights. Maybe growing up crossing the Tacoma Narrows bridge in VW vans as a kid was a big part of it. Watching the steering wheel being held 45 degrees off center until we hit the center supports quick correct then back to 45. Scary as SHIT sitting in the front seat. For me. Not fun.

But I survived. Sakonnet was good. The point was super cool. Elephant rock being saved by a guy asking if I was a racer, we talked and he invited me into his house (for sale $3 mill) across the street from the ocean. Pretty damn kick ass location for a '60s era decorated house. He let me fill my two small empty water bottles (even gave me ice) and gave me a banana "perfect ride fuel" Micheal made a difference today for me. I wasn't sure what would have happened. One thing is - there were ZERO stores once I got out of Tiverton. Which actually was a great thing. THe roads were killer and awesome. But when it was that hot and sweat is dripping off your face all day, and you only bring two small bottles of water? Ooops. Not so good. But he saved my butt. Ran out of water just before the Sakonnet bridge return but I figured less than 20 miles or so, I can make it w/o water. I did. Only a couple pounds under starting ride weight.

it was a good day.

Realized that not only do I share a birthday with Shawn M, but also that crazy Alex G. Both of them are younger by a good shot than I am though. SO no, not twins. But maybe we'll stage an 8 30 club shot one of these weekends this fall "twin towers and the leprecaun"

And i'm tired. Despite sleeping in. I'm tired. Evidence maybe of the 13 day work week and three jobs plus being the only cook and bottle washer in this place. Making it work though.

Making it work.

Nothing tells you more than those who don't make an effort to say happy birthday. Even an email/text makes a difference, even if I hate the birthday. Is okay. Everyone has their struggles.

I just drag mine around with me...  training right?

Be good, do good, make a difference. This is all ya got, don't be an asshole.

heddwch
G

Takes work, but mostly it is like it is described here:



This wave is different. I would be okay if it would stop. But other than that spot on. Very accurate description.

Photo/link here: http://www.thatericalper.com/2015/08/16/person-is-asking-for-advice-hn-how-to-deal-with-grief-this-reply-is-incredible/ via ErikV former blogger? maybe coming back? http://www.erikv.com/blog/ perhaps?

Today started out rough (obvs from post this AM) took until after talking with my brother, then getting fed up with stinky sump trap and fixed that (Made Don go to Home depot to get a proper check valve) YAY I'M A PLUMBER and then we had a few beers after work together.

And I rode home w/o a big black cloud over my head.

Talked with Paul about the route for tomorrow. Got that ironed out.

Still sad and depressed about the fact that as usual with this day this time of year most people can't make it work, all legit reasons. But I'm okay with riding alone. I've got a plan, pro suggestions as to how to proceeed. Do I have a route? NOPE. FUCK NO. Actually part of the plan. Gonna cross the Mt Hope bridge [scary] then the sakonnet [yay bike path/lane] and do some of the endless loop variations down on those sections....  hit the mileage mark and head home. Re-fuel whereever or not. Tempting to just load up with cliff bars and say fuck making my own food.

Def looking forward to a day with the phone on airplane mode, good thing it is old and shitty, can't ride all day and actually use it as a phone if i want to record the ride. Blessings of being broke and making shit just work until it no work no more.

Dinner... cooking. Simple. Salad with chicken. Kid 1 actually had similar idea w/o my input and had started making the salad part of dinner before I got home.

Chicken is cooking (thighs, because, well while breasts are fun to think about and play with the thighs are really the best part, mmmm hamstring curve).

Salad dressing is made because only fools purchase salad dressing (yes - that's some judgement there f'it).

And no it ain't just some simple boring plain jane oil and vinegar mixed up. #kitchenscience

Still have to prep for tomorrow. Dinner first then prep. Then get shit together. Then maybe sleep. Unlike last night.

Yes, CX doesn't need a 200k ride. But I do.

heddwch
G

by not deleting it. made a few editorial changes, probably messed with the flow a but.

time to coffee up and go to work.

Endurance is easy. You just go ride. And ride. And ride.

Something like that.

The 16th kind of bothers me a bit looking at it but that was the day I got to go sailing with my mother. Three days left in the month...  A fair number of hours on the bike. But most of those hours are lower intensity, riding to work. At CX practice I made an effort to do two back to back hard laps then cool down literally (it was hot) get some water, then do it again. And a few of the days on the commute were tortorous slogs.

But even though I know I need to get them in I haven't managed to do the intervals that I know I need. Accountability? To who, motivation? Obviously lacking. I'm excited about CX, anxious a bit, should be motivation enough. Right now I'm motivated to get in as much extra work as I can before it dries up and goes away.

Strava says I hit the 4000 mile mark for the year yesterday. Not a ton of miles, less than some years, but many more than last year. It'll be interesting to see what those numbers are at the end of the year. wondering how to track CX races (I didn't last year), I kind of want to but we'll see how that works, can't really race with a phone.

Enough introspection. Man I'm a trainwreck. Time to go build some bikes.

heddwch
G

since shit went wrong, and have mostly corrected themselves.

but when the person who derails the one thing you'd staked claim to as a pivotal point a point that you were going to use as a positive turning anchor. You know you've got one shot, get the line around that point so you can swing back on track. You can see what you need to do, you absolutely know it will work.... and then you throw the line and it connects. Fuck yeah, this will be good.

Someone comes along and cuts the line from that side. Smiling and saying, hey, why aren't you happy for me? I'm kind of arbitarirly taking this day and claiming it. Have fun drifting off into depression and darkness, oh and you understand why i'm doing this for me, right?

Taking literary license is always my thing right? Maybe not so much there. Too literal. They say truth makes better stories than fiction.

a deviation...

I saw the photo talked about here in this article:
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/kos-crisis-the-story-behind-the-photograph-of-a-syrian-father-shared-by-thousands-online-10461933.html

on someone's facebook post...

I've been seeing a lot of Donald Trump, which I *really* don't understand, but whatever. I can skip right over that xenophobic racist misogynist without even a second thought. 

I've also been seeing a lot of anti-abortion commentary on my Newsfeed. Not sure why that's suddenly seeing such a big uptick, and that's a little harder for me to skip right over, but I do because I can accept that what I believe is not what everybody believes.

And? Lots of commentary about "illegals" and immigrants and "we should get rid of 'anchor baby' legislation,' which is even harder for me to skip over because people are people to me, no matter where they come from, and the idea that I should hate somebody merely because they were born somewhere other than where I was born is bizarro world to me.

I aim for peace in my Facebook world, so I hide the stuff I find especially questionable and move on with my day. But, you know, this morning while drinking my coffee and perusing my favorite news sites - typically the sites with slightly less troll behavior in the comments - I came across this picture.

It quite literally stopped my breath.

So here's what I have to say right now.

Don't talk to me about the sanctity of life if in the next breath you can start foaming at the mouth about "illegals" and the horrors they bring with them. Don't talk to me about what's "right" if in the next breath you can tell me what's "wrong" with so much hatred in your voice it chills me to my very core. Do not EVEN with your religion and values and morality speeches if you believe the people greeting this man and his children on the shore should push them back to sea.

We do not know this kind of desperation. We do not know this kind of fear. We do not understand what it is to live in a country so torn by war and devastation that we are willing to take our children and the clothes on our backs into a boat, risking our very lives, in the hope of finding safety. In the hopes of finding a place where our children can go to school without fear of a bomb crashing through the roof and play outside without being killed where they stand. WE DO NOT KNOW.

These are people, just like us, and how dare we - how freaking DARE we - deem them Less Than because they are not "ours." We are all people. We are all important. We all belong to this world. We all belong to each other.

So, don't. Just don't. And if you have a problem with me saying any of this, it's okay. We're allowed to disagree. But if it's THAT much of a problem then unfriend me. Do it now. Because if you could look this man in the eye and push him back to sea? I'm not sure I even want to know you anyway.

(photo credit Daniel Etter)

I'm sure you can find the original source if you want to (emphasis is mine).

There's emotion and power in the photo, certainly he's wearing an expensive watch, but that may be the most valuable thing he owns anymore. Can you imagine what that father must feel?

Now that isn't really what I wanted to side track to... what I wanted to say here. No. But it was the catalyst. There's no black box here, I don't hide shit from everyone, acknowledging inspriation is important. Esp when they are people...

I've been thinking a bit about the gun issue in the country.

Sure, some tighter regulations could be in effect. But someone said, in an unrelated topic that I can't remember exactly where. But. It comes down to how we treat people.

I think the that man who's name means fart in the UK catalysed it for many people. He's just mean, he's an asshole and people like that. They want an excuse to be mean. This is cultural.

Look at the drivers out there. They don't give a shit about pedestrians, cyclists or other drivers. DON'T SLOW ME DOWN! GET OUT OF MY WAY.

The ones that make me most surprised are the people with the equal stickers on their car. I guess equal only means if you feel equal or the special group of friends you care about are equal, not the other people you're bullying with your car.

The culture here is pretty sick. Look at the disregard for science.

Who said it "people feel safer with a gun than with health care"? I don't know, could probably search and find it but that's kind of it too.

There's still a great amount of goodness here. But the idea that you can exploit and captialize at will as long as you benefit and call it capitalism is pretty much ingrained.

Lobbiests. Hey you know what, lets spend a shit ton of money to try and make sure these health insurance companies can keep making massive profits.

I guess another comment I saw today: It no longer impactst the US economy when the Stock Market tanks, because really it is only there as a retirement for most people and then numbers say just over half of the US population owns stocks and they are, yup, tied up in retirement accounts. Do they impact daily spending? Nope.

Decoupled.

So this gun thing, look at the police shootings, their culture is such that they've had to devalue lives they are supposed to protect, except they find the only lives they seem worth protecting are their own anymore. Yes there are still, like this country, plenty of good officers, those who don't demonstrate it. But they seem to be a silent majority even if they are a majority.

Like the voting population who doesn't vote because they don't like any of the candidates. or who don't think it matters.

Total train wreck post here, all over the place but more like a puzzle that needs work to put together but you can see maybe what it is supposed to look like jsut enough to understand, hopefully.

I wish it was an easy fix. I hope it doesn't get worse. But what will it take? A billion people logged into that face place in a 24hr peroid this week. A BILLION. And what are they doing? are enough of them making a difference? Not 'round this country it seems.

I'm certainly probably misrepresnting frustrations, misdirecting blame. But I hate to say it but I don't think our problem is with guns as much as it is that people more and more just don't give a shit about anyone who isn't exactly like them. Jokes about the worst part of moving is aleinating another set of neighbors. That's this country. How physically isolated can I get yet still remain connected.

Yes, lets celebrate everyone, lets stop being negative towards introverts, but at the same time, lets not use that as an excuse to keep from pushing the envelop of comfort and lets interact with other humans and maybe have an emotional moment of empathy or sympathy or caring. On the bike you can interact. You're almost FORCED to interact. In a car? You can't really interact with anyone else. And people like that. "MY SPACE" "you on the outside, i'm going ignore you and pretend this thin bit of window glass is creating a totally silent enclosure and that I can't hear you trying to ask why i almost killed you with my car. "

The car? is that it is that the thread that weaves this together? I think it might.  I think potentially there's a good philosophy thesis in there somewhere. We drive past stuff, sure it looks bad but it isn't us. No matter what. But take that car away, then what. You have to WALK past that. You have to ride your bike past it. You aren't sheilded from the smell, the sounds, the words. You can put earphones in but you can't hide from the heat. from the cold. from the neglected roads.

And you have to interact. People's actions directly impact you. Yes you have to make sure you don't put yourself in the way of a bus or a truck, but they are big. Keep your head up.

And never pass anyone w/o asking if they need help, esp when they look like they might. How hard is that? Even if you can't offer much if anything, that simple jesture of asking, can't really be done in the car. It used to be done in the car. There was a time when no one had means to communicate with anyone else while they were driving. So when you broke down, people actually stopped to help. ALL THE TIME. No one EVER does anymore. They just assume you've called for help on your cell phone and are playing facebook games or scrolling through instagram while waiting for roadside assistance.

That isolation from the car culture is worse here in the US than most other places i'm guessing. It isn't the only thing wrong but I see a connecting thread and I know I'm probably doing the idea injustice by trying to get it out of my head, but maybe it is there.

We're a country of desensitized bullies. Behind the wheel of car, pointing a gun at someone, anchor babies, anti-assylum, anti-abortion, anti-healthcare.

bottom line:
We are all people. We are all important. We all belong to this world. We all belong to each other. 
is that...  we need to care for eachother, we need each other...

make a difference, even if it is just on a small scale...  simple gestures create ripples...ripples can make waves and waves can make changes.

I'm going for a walk,

heddwch
G

just like everything else in my life i suppose.

can't connect to computer as USB storage device with cables I have, or phone is just good enough with the micro USB for charging.  As a result the card is full and the internal storage ain't much better.

so i've not been photo documenting as much as I want lately.

Here's the deal. I'm a terrible bike handler, can't turn, can't do much of anything good. Or at least fast (enough). But.

I can say the bike makes a huge difference.

Riverpoint Park CX these last two weeks have been insanely fun. Bike has been absolutely perfect. The only time i've had issues were from not carrying enough speed into the off camber up hill 180, or stalling in some super deep loam and falling over because the bike just completely stopped.

The super scary PRO level down hills? No problem. And yes, most of these downhills make NoHo's pro only section look pretty tame. Hate to compare because terrain dictates course but man this place is CRAZY.  Fun.

And intimidating. The sections that scared me at first I don't even think about now. The sections that really bothered me, fuck it roll through. There's that big square concrete light post base that still is kind of worrysome but that's it.

Riverpoint is legit.

Cool thing, if that scary stuff just overwhelms you mentally? Go ride the grass sections, it isn't any easier but it is flat and you can work on your cornering and sprinting out of corners and stuff.

Tonight was an intro two laps, then a couple hot laps, get some water cool down, couple more hot laps, make sure crashing people are okay, more hot laps, final hot lap where i fell over in slo-mo trying to ride the long stone stair run up.

Does this place have it all? Yes. Is it tight? Yes. Is it well suited for 200 rider fields? Not so much. But is it world cup CX ready? Assuming we can get the camera positions sorted, absofuckinglutely.

Do we 'race'? Nope. Do we chase each other and push each other for a couple laps in a row? Absofuckinglutely.

Does it cost money?  Nope.

Should you be there if you're w/in a 45 min drive? no question. It will make you a better cyclist.

Bike position. It is crazy how fucking slow i feel on this bike on the road. But then those super gnar downhills or the tight twisty shit or the deep motherfucking sand. The Roots. So absolutely in control it is just this weird feeling. I just wish the bike didn't weigh 23 pounds. But then I'm a pound over 200 lately...  yeah but i still fit in 34" pants so i don't think it is ALL fat weight. Maybe the core work is actually working.

I felt at the limit aerobically but then I haven't been racing and have only been chasing Eian. Time for some intervals i guess. January is a long way off. But the season starts soon.

Clincher wheels are sorted out. Picked up two rears, used one tonight with total success. The other will likely get the clincher and become a dedicated SSCX wheel, and since it is nearly as wide as the commuter wheel that's actually an ideal thing.

Front Tubular sorted. That fell into place today and I now have an alloy mud set of wheels (that still need to be all glued up and stuff). So we play the game of which race will the Zipp's break a spoke in this year. And we play the game of 'at what point will i wear through the braking surface' but i have to say despite the rear wheel riding like a sponge and flexing/winding up more than any wheel i've ever owned (okay the 200 was worse) they've done well, as a race only CX only wheelset. They certainly shave some weight off the White Blue. But those PDS tires are pretty much slicks at this point, or more functionally acting like a fango. Kind of wish i had my S-Works baldy tires for the clincers. I loved those things (my fault - it is true - don't loan anything you want to get back). Wish i could get them back. Oh well. My OG gen 1 racing ralph clincers are pretty close to slicks with good side knobs.  They are what i've been riding at Riverpoint. Riverpoint don't care what tire you bring. You're fucked with knobs or w/o knobs. It teaches you to drive the bike and go with what's there and push it as hard as you can.

It is still way hot, too hot to do more than two laps without overcooking. If we had to do a whole race in this heat we'd all have to dial it back a bit. I'm heat acclimated, more than most, I can deal with it and I still overheat in CX. I can dial it back but I can't go at the limit that CX demands. MTB for a couple hours? No problem. CX at the sprinty 2 lap max pace? It isn't easy.

But it is fun.

There's no rest at Riverpoint. Unless you just give up and say fuck it i'm going slow now. Which you can do if you want to and no one is going to be negative. Why? because the people who are doing this thing. Who've poured themselves into it...  they are good people. They are supportive people. They aren't assholes, they aren't wealthy, they know having something that doesn't cost anything with this level return is huge. they get the struggle, and they care.

Good people deserve support. How do you support when it doesn't cost money to participate weekly? You show up early, you stick around late, you sign up for Dude Smash and make a vote for the most technical course in the USA. Yeah Pretty much after hearing from people who've raced globally comment on this course that Bobby Stine and Corey have set out, it is not just tough for NECX, or USA, it is tough for the world. Holy week with the Beard is gonna be AWWWWWWESOME.

So yeah. We'll maybe see you at Dude Smash. Or not. You have a choice. Life is full of them.

Okay - i'm still in kit, still covered in dirt. But dinner is in my belly and kid 2 is tucked in.

Time to wrap it up and scrub out the black powder dirt.

I think they only way that place will not be super soft is if it is actively raining. Too much drainage otherwise.

Train in August, don't race CX in August. ALso. anyone up for all day ride on Sunday?

heddwch
G

Not car free by any means, no. Soon to be going N+1 on the car and then hopefully N-1 shortly after to bring it back to status quo.

But that's different topic and one that recently sort of settled in and removed one of those unknowns I hate. As much as it pains me to say good bye to the TDI and esp that one the one that hauled around the winningest bike racer in history before I bought it, but hey. Bike racers are as hard on their cars as they are on their bikes and well, this particular year is rather rust prone. Soooo...  soon that anxiety source will be gone one way or another and we'll move on to different things for a spell.

But car-lite life means riding everywhere. Grocery shopping by bike can be a challenge. Sure I've loaded 2-300 pounds of logs in the trailer but never hauled that much weight more than a flat smooth mile or two. 10 miles of dragging even the 100 pound weight limit of the trailer up and down even the few hills between there and home is pretty exhausting.

Sunday's grocery run was limited. get what was needed for a few days.

Problem is, now the need for another run. Not problem per-say, sure I should have just overloaded and gotten everything then but well. I didn't. No big deal. Trailer hauling today.

Potentially a smaller load, but heavier load today. Need a few more essentials, two i should have gotten on Sunday but forgot, the others I deliberately left off because they are heavy.

But is it.

work all day....

come home and watch the shilling explode over the twitters/facebook.

tough.

not easy.

A word someone said to me resonates: Integrity.

That.

can't have integrity and exploit at the same time. Funny that. But then that is the whole basis for not my grandfather Kenneth Boulding's Economics. But then If you understand and get Economics you've probably seen his stuff.  And realize where you fall on the ethical spectrum.

I'm kicking my ass day to day. Hour to hour to make things work for others than myself.

Life is way easier when all you care about is yourself.

But then some how i've not chosen the easy route. Funny that.

But i did get to have on the 'big' screen a good handful of kick as CX races to watch today and that was pretty awesome. Had a hennepin or two.

Got home and did all the dishes all the people who weren't working today didn't do and then made dinner.

Sort of like every night.

razor's edge... tipping over one way more than the other too often...

getting better at restraining my words, for better or worse. I call it as I see it but sometimes that bugs people and sometimes i get it wrong... maybe better not to. But hey. it is what it is....  we'll see if i find wheels before Quad cross....

till then i'm going to give working a higher priority than training. which is gonna suck come CXy time but well, that is important but not nearly as important as staying above water as a lame d'bag who can't seem to leverage anything to make ends actually meet.

So much stress over the next two weeks. Even the most exploitive d'bag can't imagine the stress. But it will work out. Some how. Because it has too.

whopping 17-18 miles today.. .. so perfect, my prep for cross is. Not.

heddwch
g

Last night specifically. Dumbby? Me? maybe.

Back up to tuesday, or so. Why? well Tuesday night was get bike ready for Wed night. Wed night was opening night at Riverpoint Park CX. I'd gotten the White bike sorted out on Saturday. I was rideable. But still had issues. Namely couldn't shift the ft der. And I confirmed my quick link serviceable life span study.

Turns out you can get two and a half chain lives out of one quicklink. So now: change link every other chain. Maximize economy (wee save $4-10 over 6k miles or so) without compromise in performance. Yeah sounds dumb doesn't it. But Yeah test pilot here is more crash test dummy for equipment. How long can we go until it fails kind of testing.

So there - definitive long term research.

the Quantum Pro has been de-hooved. training/road wheels are on the big white blue. Big white blue was last ridden outside at Riverpoint park in January. Ridden a handful of times on the trainer in January/Feb. sitting idle since.

the KQP has picked up a good handful of miles. Largest bulk on the ride with JLSXC.  But this week it helped keep me in visiual distance of some fancy C'dale and a Cervelo Sfast. Nothing aero, all old school.

But hanging, cassette is chilling on the pedal now.

Gotta get ready for CXyTime.

Riverpoint park CX practice starts on Wed next week. You want gnarlyist stuff? the craziest stuff you'll see all year? You want good prep? Come on down. The whole course is PRO ONLY, if the section you are on seems easy YOU AREN'T GOING PRO SPEED!

So yeah, white blue aka CX bike #1 (despite being a heavy tank, it fits) should see at least a little commuting action tomorrow.

CXyTime is here.

I'm no where near ready but little steps like this are moral victories.

heddwch
G

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154590449688084&pnref=story

be safe out there.

Tonight's ride with Chris Bailey doing the lead was good. It was validating to have someone else on the ride i've actually never ridden with before today who had the same approach to cycling as I do.

One of those good things.

heddwch
G

(post script moved to separate posts)

Also.......

one of those good things...  one of those things that makes me feel like how I'm doing it isn't wrong. I get very very very little positive feedback. Very little support that I'm doing good. I also get very little to no comments about how I'm doing it wrong.

Either would be appreciated. Obs the first more so. But for the most part, I do absolutely the best I feel i can (unless i'm totally blown and tired and destroyed and then I just write nonsense, like now). I internalize every fuck up. Which, let me tell you, is NOT good for self confidence, because: I fuck up all the fucking time. But maybe even then I still fuck up less than most but does it matter? No because I am just judging myself.

So yeah, Hey you're doing great, "thanks"

that's kind of how one job is like, maybe two. the third one i fuck up more than i should, and am happy to take the blame.

I had a couple really good moments in my head today.

This kid on the ride said something about being stoked to finally meet Lesli at cross camp. He was effusive with praise for her taste, and the quality of work she promoted. And is there anyone in NECX who hasn't noticed how much she's done, how much she's given, how much energy she has? I'm in awe. Part of what I was trying to reconcile in my little overworked brain was, you know, some how you've gotta find an enormous amount of strength in moments of realization. Some how you (me this tall  weirdo) has to recognize that my enthusiasm and love and willingness to share my passion with anyone, is kind of unique. And it mighr be kind of cool.

And of course it is late.  But I'm also tired of being afraid to talk about things that provide boyancy to my heart. To my soul. Part of the donkey parable. Maybe only the bots in Russia saw the post that was up for an hour last night.

I don't have much to give. I'm broke. Completely and totally. I can't even come close to affording to register for a weekend at G-ster, but I did. What I have to give is my passion, my hard earned knowledge (that esp on food topics no one wants to hear about) but hey. You all know, if i can help I will. no question. And I've never felt anything but indebt to those who have helped me and have thanked them many times publicly. Because I know for me, that display of appreciation is worth more than gold.

So

to everyone who has helped me, tolerated me, hugged me, helped me...  again...

thank you

legit and deeply felt....  thank you

heddwch
g

Made a few burgers for dinner...  but not normal burgers...

cooked up some bacon, not just any bacon, some store that most people who have misquided feeling of hate towards had some of the paleo bacon on sale. A good sale, cheaper than regular bacon sale. So i bought some a while back. Yeah people hate this store but it is one i've found I can get stuff cheaper and feel my girls better food for less money than anywhere else. But then you know I don't buy pre-cooked/prepared/whatever foods. Basics. ANYWAY.

This bacon, paleo WWEEEEE buzzword/fad. No this is just bacon w/o sugar. Impressive. Also dude, this bacon tastes amazing.

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY COOKS SO MUCH EASIER! Doesn't stick to the pan, carmelizes perfectly.  WTF - TASTES EVEN BETTER! Why do all you motherfucking dumbasses insist on adding sugar to everything.

No Foley, not talking about the bike racers who read this blog they are all perfect. Everysingle one of them. Not one of them would ever even think about opening a cola, even one of them mexican cola made with sugar. My hope for the world dies everytime one of them bike racers is photographed drinking a cola, or goes to defending the coke "moderations is fine" or claiming it is only a problem for non-athletes.
But then I'm a judgemental asshole. So what the fuck do you care what I think. BOOM - heck I get it right now and then. Some people thank me, some people provide acknowledgement, rare do people completely turn their back and are unable to say anything.

It is late.

I'm still tired.

And evidence of registering for the 45+ race. I'm old. Well, finally maybe middle aged. Mid point of life? 45? maybe. statistics are what they are. Am I at the half way point? Close enough.

Sacry thought.

Take the sugar out of the bacon and it cooks so easily in the pan.

Dinner was amazing. Alex M was spot on with the addition of the fried egg. holy shit. also the blue cheese i had was soooooo amazing. Bacon, carmelized onions, fried egg, grass fed beef burger, fancy blue cheese. Dijon mustard.

But food is just food.

It is what we eat.

I was thinking back today, i've had two meals in the last two weeks that I didn't cook myself. two....

Oh and here's the thing, thanking someone won't boost their ego, won't make their head bigger, won't make them more of pain. It actually might do the opposite.

But hey. It is what it is. And I just finished the last beer. A Steven Segal film again. nice On Deadly Ground style. Terrible film. Good message. Bad film. even when edited for TV.

Soon my entertainment i provide at night will be over. I've got a pile of books that i have checked out that aren't getting read. Not good. Maybe I should read instead of write.

nahhh okay maybe i'll start reading tomorrow.

although today felt like a friday. Not a good thing for a Tuesday.

heddwch
g

the 45+ race is full for Sunday and as I'm typing three spots open on Saturday.

It has been a while since i've been in a G-ster feild that closed out.

Lots of familiar names there. Lots of them. So I committed the money to the race, now I guess I better get the CX bike ready.

This morning I remembered what I had started to say mid-cooking dinner blog post.

Not a big deal but that moment of being like "OH RIGHT" when you remember. Good feeling. Like one unknown hanging chad is ripped off and it is nice and clean.

Feels good when that happens, even if I forget to write about it or do what I had originally planned.

I finally followed Chris Bailey on Strava, been meaning to since he took one of my two KOMs. And I noticed I've ridden just over 3600 miles this year. Not as many I as I had hoped to have logged now, many many missed and needed mental health days.

Much more remarkable? And meaningful? Last year I came very close to not even making it to 4000 miles for the year.

Are any of these miles quality? I dunno. But last night was a good one. Hoping to make Thursday night work this week.

Registered for G-ster though. Holy crap. Time to get my shit together. Okay well maybe tomorrow.

And it is filled. 55+ probably soon after. Lucky, I guess, they made it 1/2/3 this year instead of 1-4 for the 45+ and 55+ or people'd have been locked out way sooner. And then where goes the overflow? Given previous years they wind up in the more open and rarely filled 35+ field.

And then I had to go look at Crossresults.

Fuuuuuuuck. My points last year kind of tanked didn't they. WOW. Oh well. Guess I'm kind of well accustom to starting in the back. Not like I expect to be anywhere else really, but that kind of put a wee damper on things. Guess I need to get a race or two in before G-ster and hopefully shave some points and move up in the starting grid. Can't really go any slower than I did last year w/o actually walking. So there's that.

But here's the other thing, last year sucked but also helped remind me that the results aren't everything, but it did remind me that racing with some sort of semblance of fitness is a lot more fun than being dead slow from being out of shape.  The whole 'hey i can ride with these guys, this is awesome... oh wait, I can only do it for one lap, but hey i can ride with them for one lap."  Translation: I could ride i just couldn't pedal. working on changing that this year.


also - staying up late for no reason isn't helping productivity, but fortunately productivity today means getting up from desk to help then coming back and sitting back down, all day. So not a bad day to be a zombie.

Because well ... 45+ now

https://www.bikereg.com/gpg2015

POUNDING THE F5 KEY NOW

and i've registered....

WTF HAVE I JUST DONE!

not quite the hole shot but call it second row or so after the call ups

found some dumb edited movie on the sub OTA channels again. A segal film this time, it is terrible, and Kris Kristofferson is a bad guy. Rubber Ducky? a bad guy? For real? damn.

i'm totally being a terrible athlete. Kill myself on the bike and then unable to sleep to maximize benefit. At least I made a big giant pile of food. Got stuff to eat.

meeting tomorrow night got moved to Wed night, so smackdown? yeah that ain't gonna happen. But tomorrow is G'ster opening reg. Who's gotta reg? me. Duh. Burnt out crushed like a 2 week old cigarette butt on the road. there ain't much left right now.

"Could be because I'm a bad shot, could be because I'm a good shot and I jsut wanted you to meet Tyrone." Cinematic poetry

Stuff you can learn, stuff you just know.

Good thing this idiot box movie is over, i can stop talking to myself through this thing.

Am I crazy? Fuck yeah. But have I lost it? Nope. Not yet. Despite the efforts of, ah i better chill, bite my tongue.

Every once in a long while I get a few words that make a difference.

Every once in a while I manage to get out and destroy myself on the bike. I'm a better sailor, i can read the wind, see the currents and know what to do with the rudder and the sheets. I'm better in a shell, a skull, i'm no good in  a pair, or a four/quad or eight, no... but give me my own blades...  the water bubbling off the bow, the silent slip into the water the swing, the glide. Those things made sense. Chemistry made sense. But then stuff that was easy and stuff that I was good at were never oddly enough to get me focused when I needed to be focused. What do i say? I went to the school i went to because they had the 3-2 pogram. who knos about that anymore. But then when i got there I wound up studing plants.

hit home today talking to a post doc "I have great hands, a terrible bedside manner, I should have been a surgeon, i'm going to be 40 soon, i'm still a post doc."

riding, eyes bleeding behind a med student, got me thinking... where would I be now if i wasn't so plant focused, so hell bent on maize development. Full disclosure, interview at UPenn went poorly, why? because i was resistant to the idea of working with drosophila or mice...  just wanted to work with plants. Lots of good it did me. Except it pushed me into doing what I am better at, the mechanical side of things, the artistic expression using microsocpes and the teaching. Stuff. Life. Why am i working 3 jobs? Because...

And why am I awake at 12:45am? I have to work tomorrow! Oh right, just me alone. With the dogs.

They are sleeping better than I am despite hanging out at home all day.

 But back to a few words that make a difference.

Thank you, are two of them...  heart is reaching out... a few others.

thank you...  those words...

i say sorry too much, thank you as much but no one complains about the thank yous, but everyone says 'stop saying sorry'

it may be a few hours before i have to wake up, but this is kind of key...

or not...

or i'm so deleriously tired i have no idea what I'm saying. But hey. I haven't really talked to anyone for days or longer. but hey it is what it is.

hey did you know that they have movies that are on the rabbit eat TV all night? I didn't. Better turn it off. may not be an athlete but damn i gott be pro tomorrow.
You get what i'm saying, yo?

or no. if no, well buy me a beer and i'll explain in detail. not drinking much lately, but still oddly awake.

it'll work out.

Noon tomorrow is gonna be crazy.

Supah crazy.

till then, me with heavy heart

heddwch
g

I've done the Tower Hill loop for years, with lots of people. Tonight i got a ton of PRs on strava thing. Now first 'fuck strava' but besides that it is a metric that carries through over the years. Now so I really haven't been using strava as long as I've been doing Tower hill but arguable one of my faster years was '13 and i was recording it then.

So.

ANYWAY ... mostly who cares. but also I got all those PRs dead tired, mentally fried and probably with lower energy levels. Hell I didn't even notice the first hill on River Road, totally don't remember going up it. I do remember getting to the point of no more hills on River road and being like "I think I missed one? How? what?"

Bart had told me about a little climb he discovered up in the Diamond Hill area. Not new, but a road I've never heard of or ridden on. So fuck it. Eian wanted to ride today I got done early even though I worked on a paid holiday. Yeah I got paid to NOT work today and I still scheduled 2 new microscope trainings today. Why? Because I'm an overly dedicated person who feels empathy for everyone who is trying desperately to get on the new scope and start using it.

as an aside - everyone who has had seat time on it has been blown away. Validating the effort and the need to be here instead of dinking and eating at super fancy places in Miami and Boca and Pamplona beach or where ever my family is now w/o me. Vacation bitter? No. not me.

So work, got second training done, got on bike and went to take a look at this road Bart told me about on Sunday. It was awesome and I can't move. Legs destroyed.

Also I need to make dinner.

So fuck it making massive pile of pasta, mushroom kale beef tomato sauce. I'd use wine but I only have beer and I don't think that'll be good in there, or if it is good I'm not wanting to try right now.

Food finished, finally. Eating at 8:50 not so bad, or not so good. Food's not bad, not mind blowing, which is not good because there is a giant pile of it. I may not have to cook for a few days, but that's not a bad thing I guess seeing how much effort it took to make it happen when I was totally dead from the ride and the day.

And it really isn't bad.

Better have some more, gotta pedal in the AM. Gotta keep going. Head up moving forward.

Good think I love what I do and am good at it, this might be torture if I didn't. also. so tired. ugh.

But mushrooms so good.

maybe a splash too much of skinnywhitedude's milk in bolognese, but not really terrible.

okay - shit to do stuff to make happen head up moving forward so overwhelmed. Oh well.

heddwch
G

( i have no idea where I started off wanting to go with this post, i guess cooking dinner fried my already fried brain - oops)

some how i managed to escape from broadcast TV sub channel edited movies...

watched Running Man. So classic, so oddly topical still. the editing took a bunch out of the film but left enough that i could enjoy it while cooking and eating dinner.

but still...  more and more movies to follow, no need to fall asleep with the lights on only to wake up at 6am to turn them off.

TV off.

Poison Ivy in effect, dog tolerant of me but not sure still.

No wood gathering today but does it matter? i dunno, i have more than I could have possible collected if the storm hadn't hit, losing out on the stuff that other people took shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but i'm working on that.

This state has a holiday tomorrow. My place of primary employment has a vacation day because of state holiday, but hey, who is the idiot who scheduled two trainings on the new scope for tomorrow? Me. Vacation day, i get paid not to be there but then, i don't get paid to be there even if I am there but i will be there and i feel like more of an idiot but i know that there's huge demand for the new scope and well i'm not going to make it worse down the line by cancelling. so I'll be there.

so I've turned the TV off.

and i reflect of no riding, good job way to get ready for CX.

but then i'm old than I was a few years ago, and i know i had zero capacity to do any meaningful work.  maybe tomorrow i'll get some effort in.

maybe.

for now i sit here - hoping for sleep to come soon, trying not to focus on emptyness of all varieties, lack of contact from the crew who've left me to go to florida for the week certainly underscore my superfluousness...  extra, useless...  not true but can't help but recognize that's how it makes me feel.

random (not really) reach out tonight made a big difference, so thank you for that.

No one talks to me much, i know too much, terrible person to talk to, no ability to be social and whatnot. notice the trend over the years...  trend of isolation...  put there not by me but is there and remains. maybe that's just who i am. Good? no. Bad? i dunno...  Some how vision of swimming off the rocks of Stage Fort Park come to mind at the moment.

Thinking about that a lot, more and more people talking about Richmond, and F'THAT no way is Richmond gonna take any focus from G-ster.

anyway, head up, moving forward, trudging this long lonely road, a road I've made lonely despite wishing it wasn't.

i turned the TV off at 10, yet still awake am I. early to sleep? yeah not happening.

dogs are snoring around the bed.

i'm just left here wondering

over thinking everything of course

again

heddwch
g

Room 614

damn

at least the film was made in a year that doesn't make sense,

but holy shit - fight scenese are gooooooood

nad Jim Brown....

hair ...

need a cut - getting crazy

thinking Neils Albert and the rest of the euro crazy, because, well can do it myself.

don't jive me baby

how long do i stay awake...

bigger question, what will I say before I fall asleep...

g

I'm at the farm, waiting for the chickens to finish eating bugs and roost.

I can't figure out the remotes here so I can't watch TV/cable.

I've eaten the fresh blackberries, had a beer (need to drive home so cutting self off at one beer)...

Today was strange. Felt great on the bike until India point park, then I was dead, couldn't pedal. Carried over to building bikes. I got the ones done I needed to, but barely made a dent in the rest. So slow... Headed home. Traffic jam at reggae fest, ugh, people.
Helped some guy with a new trek FX something, dragging brake misaligned front wheel, who ever built his new bike is an asshole, fucking JANK. So sad. But he's rolling better, not as better off if I'd had a stand and some tools. But hey help.

The ride in there was a monster pile of oak. It's gone. Just honey locust left. But hey I'm so much better off because of the storm, I have to remind myself not get bent out of shape over missing anything. Sure I could double my oak cache, but I still have a remarkable amount and that's pretty amazing and awesome.

Not easy to turn it around and be grateful. Too many times being hopeful and getting destroyed.

Life's crazy.

Maybe the chickens are ready to tuck in now.

Heddwch
G

Swype ftw

much later start to the morning than I'd planned, but it is what it is, I'll get done what I need to get done.

haven't hit on the right pandora station yet, keep jumping around, can't figure out which one to go with, switched to station number 4 just now. we'll see if this does the trick.

been having conversations in my head all night. had a very strange dream between being awakened by the dogs or myself. finally out of bed. coffee #1 consumed, coffee #2 just finished. electric moka pot thing (Il Primo) 16-18 grams of coffee ~400ml of water. Rich deliciousness.

Current music is hitting the spot. Metallica pandora station, duh. Should have started there.

Omelet pocket. what's that? well you make an american style omelet and wrap it in a tortilla. fuck your knife and fork eat with hands.

3 farm eggs, some cabot private stock cheddar, three garlic scapes diced, one large habanero diced (seeds, white stuff and everything but the stem), some cooked seasoned ground beef left over from sweet potato taco night, salt. Cook. Then warm up the tortilla, spread sour cream on it, pile a huge mass of arugula. Fold and eat.

So much flavor, spicey but not overpowering (for me which means for most people this would be way too f'n overpowering. Layers of flavor, harmoniously awesome and satisfying.

Time for coffee #2 to join in the shower and get on the bike and head to work. at least i'll get a ride in. and yes i'll probably hook up the trailer and grab some logs on the way home, if not on the way there, or grab some and get them out of the way and bring one close load back to the house before heading all the way in. Public service yo. Or something.

heddwch
G

driving back from the farm, after putting the chickens in the coop, i got thinking.

thinking is a bad thing.

terrible thing. worst possible thing to do.

i got thinking about talking to myself more here.

like last post.

but that's a f'n stupid idea...

so i'll probably do it sometime because i'm a dumbass with no self worth or ability to feel good about anything, only seeing what I could have done but didn't.

Tokeneke race talk on twitter. Miss that race. Mostly miss collegiate race there from way back when most people either hadn't been born or were still in diapers.

Wish i could do that again, but damn it makes Gloucester CX weekend look cheap, but i won't do it ever because i'm too big for that shit, possible when i was 165 in college but now? fuggedaboutit. All this moving 200# of wood in the trailer, yes doubling the "weight capacity" of the trailer. Not just moving it with my legs on the bike bit then unloading it. I've only made it to unload zone 1. I still have to set up final space, and cut/split all these big logs I've been lucky enough to help move off the path and streets.

Have i had dinner yet? Must be the burning question....

Nope.

Fuck it....

total fuck it mode...

what's the point....

not like i have a working CX bike at the moment, not like I can get more than 1 set of wheels together for CX (and keep road training heavy 32 spoke wheels and commuter wheels intact). But hey G-ster opens on Tuesday. Massive moment of panic when I thought I had scheduled a training during the G-ster race regustration opening. Hell do we need to que up the Cake video? it worked so well for 2007 season, then that Colin kid came along and suddenly no one gave a shit when they registered as long as they got in before the field closed. Aka points and shit.

good talk with Chris Bailey about how that system alienates the casual/part-time racers, but then who cares if you don't race every race?

Looking forward to racing at Riverpoint Park again. Dude Smash will be off the hook. I know Bobby Stine will get that venue f'n PRIME for the race. Now i KNOW i'm not going to be prime for the race.

Because I am not racing. I'm working. 12+ hours a day and  the days I only 6 hrs, well those are sundays and hey a day off would be kind of cool. Totally ready for a mental health day, but nooooooooo. not in the cards. Hey a day off would be pretty awesome. happening? nope. So alone and no days off. this is going to be an AWESOME week,

I was mentally prepared for it but as prepared for it as you can get, once it hits, fuck it, it is real and it sucks. #novacationsummer #needavacation #novacation even though my family is on vacation, i'm here, working for the next 7 days while they vacation and stuff. Not bitter just resigned and sad. And some how a motherfucking fly has made it into the house and the motherfucker won't stop buzzing my head. And that's helping a tremendous amount. Not really.

Time to crush it like quint.

time to stop rambling before my liquid dinner hits my brain. but given the week and the fact that i've been awake since 4:30am....  i'm going to fall asleep/pass out  - long before i get inebriated. #bonus

oh and yeah, i'd almost kill to have a chance to race #24hogg solo... also would love to have been racing all summer (even if that means 2-3 races) and to line up at tokeneke. I miss road racing. I miss crits. I wish i had a mt bike that was passable for mtb racing. so many wishes, shit i'd be eating fishes for dinner thn or something.

shut up gewilli
okay
seriously
----

heddwch
g

new microscope occupying every last second at work, brother's got work and had surgery and needed someone to move all the heavy shit, the storm dropped a giant pile of firewood. And...

i'm tired...  all for what?

So i'm home alone while my wife and daughters are frolicing in Ft L FL for a week with the rest of that side of the family. And next week would be perfect for mental health day, except new microscope.

maybe i can find time to write.

in the mean time here's a conversation i just had with myself. Gonna paste it here and then race over to the farm to button up the chickens for the night. And it looks like i'll probably be picking up beer for dinner because, well, i'm tired, don't feel like cooking and there's nothing really to eat in the fridge except for beer cheese and eggs. not a bad combo but one that takes more effort to make something out of than I have the forces to deal with.

as the pre-amble to my talking to myself that's TMI

so anyway the conversation with myself just now:

"Hey what's for dinner?"
"What do you feel like making?"
"No inspiration, no clue."
"So what's for dinner?"
"Maybe I'll figure it out after getting back from closing up the chickens in the coop."
"But that will be late."
"okay well lets do a train low and lower night."
"those aren't fun but i'm too tired to do any intensity tonight or tomorrow anyway"
"sounds good, f'it. who needs dinner."
"are you going to get beer?"
"why?"
"We're out of beer."
"Fuuuuuuuuck."
"so?"
"yeah I'll get beer on the way home."
"Liquid sandwiches."
"Perfect."
"what you making for dinner?"
"nothing, i'm picking up some gansett tall boys and that'll be dinner."
"that's not dinner, that's terrible, you're a horrible failure."
"Shut up."
"nice reply"
"I'll make a big breakfast scramble before work tomorrow."
"fine, guess that'll have to work."
"unless you feel like making dinner."
"we've been over that."