I'd planned to leave early due to impending snow storm and damn that was a good move.

So I started reading one of the three books I loaded up on the tablet over lunch, as a way to do something with my idle/eating/down time other than read the internet.

So classes have started, today, for me. Teaching that is.

I looked at twitter timeline twice today. Once before I left, then again at about 11am or so. Not counting checking notifications. Like scrolling through the amazing awesome wonderful people I follow.

Retweets and comments alone created a wave of crippling hopelessness and anxiety. Checked this morning and was powerless to leave for half an hour.

checked again later and it delayed lecture prep by an almost catastrophic thirty minutes.

i was down to the wire with prep, as always and that didn't help.

SO grateful, beyond words, that so many of my friends are able to act and affect. Can't thank you enough with hugs.

But I've slowly begun to realize, that if I'm going to function through these dystopian fascist times I'm (me personally) going to need to tune some major shit out. I mean, I just can't, deal.

I will enable, I will help, give me something specific, I'll do it but i can't bleed out at the price of being able to support those here in my nest, at the price of the education the students in my class are looking for, I can't sacrifice being positive and helpful.

And that is a struggle. I want to do everything. I want to resist and be active down to my core. but pulling back may need to happen even if I risk missing articles like this. Andrew crushed it: so good, on point and yes Thom K, bang on MoFo.  Also Thom, i know about the lower level of the cooler, don't worry, as long as you don't have Bud on the top level as a decoy i'll leave the fancy stuff alone.

What am I saying in my weird round about way?

I think I may be saying i need to back off and just create content, post pictures of gorgeous commute vistas, but... not check anything more than notifications.

I need to survive. right? Intact....

I don't see how I can if I keep absorbing the news.

Riding the bike has been good.

Need more time on the saddle.

Watching Worlds with my wife was awesome. She's joined me to watch all the races at home I've cued up. We watched Fuggi together, the U23 and the W Elite on saturday this week.

Maybe a maturity of self recognition? I can't fight this political battle emotionally and still take care of those who depend on me. It tears at me but I know I need to be strong for those who depend on me, my kids, my students, those i'm responsible for being at my best at work and at home....

Local influence, aka personal, face to face, encourage and support peaceful non-violent action I will.

If I have money in the paypal I'll give it to good causes. I had just enough to buy a raffle ticket for the foundation in memory of a rider who made a huge impact on my daughter, to support the rider they sent to worlds.

I didn't win. Don't worry Jerry, I haven't won anything since you made me feel bad about winning shit. Although, I guess I do have to admit to having my name pulled first at the 1PVD raffle, I got a $160 dollar Pearl Izumi jacket and some compression socks for my $40 donation. It worked out i guess.

But being there with everyone was awesome. Having English David's (mr Rapha now) tall gorgeous wife introduce herself to me finally was pretty cool. I was as awkward as I could be unintentionally, and fortunately my wife stepped in and was the ultimate diplomat. It is always good to have someone around who knows you better than you know yourself.

Current crisis? Out of beer. I'd planned to stop drinking this semester, hell I planned to have an AFM for January once back here in RI, and well that lasted a week. And during that week i've never been hungrier and we've never had fewer snacks or quick calories laying around (I ate more each night in calories than I usually had in beer).

I could run out and get more but maybe Kung Fu time...  battle the demons inside. Even if they aren't demons and are just thirsty. Have some water mofo.

Also dinner is ready. Food. Tacos on Monday night because maybe it'll help get the weekend over sooner.

sort of round about though...

I may have to stick with instagram only going forward.  can't take twitter or facebook anymore...  and even then just use instagram to be a content creator, not consumer....

we all have to survive somehow, and figuring out how to do that is just as important a job as those who can really make a difference in this crisis.

Erin says "two steps forward, one step back" suggesting that we're in the one step back phase, but it feels like we took one step back into a bear trap and now we have a broken ankle and are at the mercy of vicious beings w/o empathy, remorse or conscious.

May we all get through this

heddwch
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In the books, exhausting, not sure i've even ridden 100 miles since the last Hundo in December.
That's sort of the definition of not doing it right, right?

First 55-60 miles were with Brent and Bettridge. great guys, seriously, really really good guys. They get it.

Kind of funny, the Prov Velo gang is mostly a bunch of empathetic guys, there's not an exploiter among us, completely pretty much totally politically and socially aligned, and we're all unified by riding bikes and flying our flag. except we don't have a flag.

Brent posted about a ride yesterday, i'd been thinking about doing the ultimate torture test and putting some aero bars on the SSCX and light tires and riding 100 on the path. back and forth. 15-16 laps from the dairy bee to the top parking lot there on the bike path.  Brent heading out? same day? Last day of decent weather? Duh. Took a vacation day. Headed out.

Initial plan was to leave at about 7:30 am and get 2 hrs of riding in before heading out.

I was barely able to get out of the house by 8:50 and got to 7 stars on Broadway w/in seconds of Brent. So much for extra miles. White Blue is done, fuck that bike. Great CXy, shitty everywhere else. Maybe it is a shitty CX bike but it is the best one I have other than the Surly 1x1 which is really just a 26" SS MTB with room for some 700c CX tires, not even a CX bike.

It was fucking windy yesterday BTW. Brent intially wanted to go west. Wind from North means cross most of the way. So I lobbied (successfully) to go north, into the wind. Then blast it south.

Check Brent's strava  title, made me laugh. Said something like "when it is windy always ridew with GeWilli" or something.

Well they had stuff to do, places to be, dads of responsibility. I had the day off, and 60 miles in the bank, only 40 miles and I could check off my January Hundo for the NECX HOTM club.

Brilliant idea man me thought, shit i'll just do the 6 mile loop on the EBBP from the overpass at the shit plant to the top just before the downhill.

Super good, except I had a 15-20 mph headwind. Going south? no big deal, riding back? HOLY FUCK THIS SHIT. Check the HR data over on strava, funny. Not really.

First one? not a big deal. Second one? I just wanted to turn around and ride home, fuck this shit. If i don't make the hundo? who cares... so easy, just ride home. done. whatever. who cares.

I kept riding.

And riding.

Ideas, maybe i could take out the trainer and just pedal until 100 to avoid the wind.

I kept riding.

Soon? no big deal.

That cusp of the feeling of wanting to quit but then mentally pushing through and breaking through. No great mental chemical reward, nothing rewarding. But I got it done. Good thinking too.

Most importantly? Avoided the absolute horror show of the state of politics now.

terrifying.

seriously.

Irreversible? not really, patience grasshopper. But FUCK THIS SHIT IS REALLY BAD.

Like if you are going to try and tell me it isn't you may get punched as hard as that fucking Nazi asshole, but i'll actually connect and probably break your jaw (and my hand). There's a reason people don't want to fight me. Historically speaking. No, i'm not some roid jacked up muscle head. Just saying, don't start.

Shit is fucked.

Check the instagram though. words tonight...  mean it.

I read Kyle's post from the EPA folks on FB and got completely derailed. Such a good day, productive. got shit done.

then read that...  as it all piles up, where do we go from here?

Best part of yesterday?

Being on the bike all day. May have been insanely windy, but, it was better than checking in at all on Twitter of FB.

Kind of consindering taking the lead and avoiding it all.

But.

Hype machine needs to rev a bit... RI Red Rooster Ronde has to happen. Need to harness the hype machine.

But hey, Hundo is done. Now to worry about Feb. My class starts on Monday. When I combined the list of those who've enrolled in the class with those on the waitlist i have maybe 5 people who won't have a chair to sit in, small room, small class, major popularity. So much so I have PI's calling me to try and get their grad student in the class. Wish I could up the enrollment, is all I think. Why weren't we ever this oversold when Robbert was teaching it? Hmmm..  Now suddenly EVERYONE wants in on the class.'

S'okay. As long as I can get some extra miles in I'll surive.

There was something else I wanted to write about, but...  bikes, politics, teaching, jobs... what else?

Check the Instagram (link over there somewhere) too keep more temporal. i'll try and keep writing....  drama not withstanding.

Getting better idea of self (finally) but then fucking moron's elect this shitbag cheetohead and we're totally fucked. It was better when i was lost and depressed and unsure and everything else was okay.

This is pretty much worse.

but fuck it...

ain't gonna derail the train...  clydesdale momentum ain't nothing to be trifled with...

Cue up Sure Shot

worth it

Heddwch
G

after a quick (raw and unedited) pano from this morning

way too many page hits according to the almighty google for a bit there, had to go radio silence to let everyone's attention wander.

also typing on bluetooth tablet keyboard is kind of different, wee bit closer together and odd placement. as long as i don't hunt for the slash over the return/enter key i should survive.

I'm back on the bike, finally.

Plans to run in VA didn't happen. I had a beer for breakfast and said fuck it most days down there. But that's vacation right? What ya supposed ta do? No?

The drive north solo was exhausting, the week with the girls after not sleeping (bed and me not compatible down in VA) was managable but also not recovery but hey Nationals, and with Saturday open and Sunday open the plan was to go to Nationals both days. Woke up early sat and headed out, picked up Deano, drove to Hartford. Instagram tells the story better, but hey, we got there, it was in sane, running around in the cold all day giving everyone all the bourbon they want to drink too something out of me. Plan was to be there sunday too, but the drive home kicked my ass and i may have had more bourbon when i got home and couldn't sleep for a while. When morning rolled around and I was thinking "gotta get up, shit shovel? shit 12 degrees? shit" also being super tired, absolutely non-functionally tired and then Dean says he's staying home, and well...  i was beyond tired, driving solo, and more or less incapacitated, so i went back to bed and watched Sunday's race on the internets. I didn't get outside until the end of the day and did the worst shoveling job ever at peak temps just before the sun set and it got cold again. I haven't been that tired or exhausted in a long time, borderline sick and if i'd gone who knows what. Overextended isn't fun. And potentially dangerous and well...  as much as I wanted to be there on sunday, not going was the right call.

Tuesday I had planned to get back on the bike but with 7 degree F temps in the AM well, what's one more day in the car. So i dropped everyone off and picked them all up.

Finally back on the bike on Wednesday.

The Surly 1x1, with my special favorite race tires, too tired to swap em out. Rode that bike W Th and F (today). Planning on sorting the tire situation out tomorrow. Planning, but my follow through with plans lately sucks.

Gotta get fenders for that bike and make it full commuter. Also 44x17 is way too light for tailwind, I've got a 15, probably gonna swap that on when i have the wheel off to change tires. Kind of wish I had a second set of wheels for this bike so I could stud them but yeah, i don't. Gonna deal with that issue when it comes up next. Maybe i just do lots of tire swaps this year.

January Hundo is coming up, like it or not i need to get it in, some how. Maybe ride to plymouth, because why not. maybe i'll actually make it to the printer guy to get a quote. Classes are going to start way too soon, so we'll see how this all shapes up. Tenuous grip on everything lately.  Avoiding all politics if i can. They are NOT discussed around me at home. I'm still pretty much freaking out about everything,

there is some good non-politic stuff to comment on, maybe i'll find time to do that soon.

for now, just writing...   just to write and to put negacoach to sleep.

heddwch
G

Yeah just another infographic...

still haven't ridden, sort of slept last night...  being productive at work, but not getting to the proposal that would be due on Saturday, maybe tomorrow. or tonight. or not.

heddwch
G

Sure, not a problem if you're in the top 25%.

Not a problem if you get good conditions or have a decent field, or a race on Saturday once the bugs and issues are either steamrolled by a thousand riders into braindead lines of speed and flow.... but...

Some how some time in the last 10 years the B races, the non-championship events moved from the early Saturday/Sunday morning slots in the frozen can't wreck the course times to the first day and now they are not category restricted.

Sure bring in more money. Super attractive for those who are going to be at the front end of their race. I can't deny that. But then if you sign up when it opens thinking it is a non-champ/B level race (hasn't been billed as a B race in a while I guess - look at last year with Jared winning his Non-champ race on his single speed to test out for the SSCX race).

Look at field sizes, they seem to be going down. Total number of registrants is a bit more than Gloucester but we're talking SIX DAYS OF RACING (not two).

Hey, I make no point to hide that I feel pretty much that the one single thing that made my last two trips to nationals suck were the organization and officiating. AKA why I pretty much have zero desire to register for another race at Nationals ever again.

Yes. I got into it a bit more than I should have on twitter. One comment by Nikki that seemed at odds with Marc's race, and, then Adam getting all pissed off that he could do 12 minute laps, but then NO ONE ELSE COULD! Duh, not elite jersey podium level speed but he can hold his own in a pro-race w/o problem add years of experience in those kind of conditions and of course he's going to do way better than most anyone. Fitness and skill crush it.

But what kind of value are the people who are turning a bit slower laps getting? Sure, some BEG to get pulled and then are upset when they are left in.

So who's at fault? The timer scoring people trying to juggle this fucking clusterfuck? NOPE!

DIsconnect between course designer and Governing body. Who sets schedule and race times?

Who sets up the course?

Who wants to make the most awesome challenging course to really see who's the best Elite Female and Male racer in the US? The course designers. And that's fucking AWESOME.

HOW FUCKING AMAZING WOULD IT HAVE BEEN IF TUESDAY WAS ELITE RACE DAY?????


OFF

THE

HOOK!

But to have Jack K and Adam M racing against Cat 3/4s in those conditions? for only 30 min? Just so they can get hot laps in at race pace in conditions they'll never see on a course they're likely never to see on Sunday?

FOR WAIT AIM? FOR WHOSE BENEFIT?

If USAC's goal is to disenfranchise and make even more people like me who will totally swear off and be absolutely as negative as possible about what they are doing now? KEEP GOING KNUCKLEHEADS!

I MEAN WHO AM I? No one. My race experience doesn't matter, to them. But they seem to be all inviting, "Hey come race the non-championship event, it is only 30 min, kind of like a cat 4 race, don't worry it is just for fun, but we'll still charge you a good bit more than if you raced somewhere else"

Okay so, you have 12 min lap times for the leader, and it is a 30 min race.

HEY THAT SOUNDS LIKE THERE'S GOING TO BE A PROBLEM.

No SHIT!

Yes, I spent tuesday watching the live updates. In fact GCD and Resultsboy and I had a bit of a twitter chat about it all something about F5 and stuff. I wasn't there but I watched it.

Did it seem like a giant cluster potential? Yup. Do i envy the position the course designers and the governing body put the timers/scorers in? Nope.

HOW DO YOU FIX IT?

Well, shit, don't let me be just one of the complainers. How to fix it?

THIS IS WHAT YOU DO!

Age group Nationals move BACK to December (yeah we'll have TWO national champions in one year, makes up for the year we had zero).  Make it 4 days. Have an M/F Elite C1 or C2 race on sunday just to toss in some extra sponsor/prestige if you want. Throw in a 3/4/5 race Sunday morning at the but crack of dawn. Call it a non-champ event. Hey have two of them a u35 and a 35+ Toss in a women's non-champ event Saturday morning same deal u35 and 35+. CASH MONEY BABY!

Then Elite Nats happen the same day as the rest of the world (besides Canada still). Make it a 3 day event. Do some non-champ events of Friday so the pros can get their hot laps in.  Throw the SSCX and costume and industry events in for the Elite nats to draw different people in. Simple. Sat and Sun are for UCI racing only.

OOOOR YOU PUT IN A SUPERCUP LEVEL ELITE C1/2 RACE THE DAY BEFORE SO THEY CAN HOT LAP THE FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER (for points and $$$$ w/o complicating slow people).

Benefit for the Elites? They get to race a course not totally chewed up but 2000+ riders for a week. Aka it won't be a paved super-speedway.

Extra costs? Oh for sure, no question. But then you know what? It might work out.

But it probably won't happen.

Here's another suggestion if you don't like that one.

To race nationals you need to be a cat P/1/2 even for age groups.
AND
Non-champ events are for 3/4/5 ONLY

SSCX and costume/donut/industry? fuck it, who cares, open it up.

I've only been racing CX since '97, I went to '06 nats, missed KC, went to the first year at Bend (not the second because damn that's a challenging place to get to) planned to hit second year at Wisco and then that fucking florida mouse asshole had to put marathon week on CXNats week EVERY FUCKING YEAR since, and so a triumphant return last year only to be hahahah fuck YOU.

I'm an idiot. no question. I'm stubborn and will keep pushing it. But even I have my limits.

USACycling has made it pretty clear, they want me to register, they want me to sign up for as many as possible. But once they have my money and I don't even have my number? All i feel is dirty and used and suckered.

(for the record, i've had two beers tonight, yeah cutting back means one thing, insanely sober and i'm going to be awake all night thinking about what else to add to this)

Is there a solution?

Probably not.

Do I matter in the scheme of this whole thing? Def don't feel like it. Probably for the best. Answer: No

Plenty more to say I suppose, but whats the point. Negacoach falls asleep before he gets this far into the blog and no one else is reading besides Fox in Seattle and he doesn't even own a CX bike.

This weekend's current plan is evolving. Def showing up on Saturday to take in the spectacle. Will I come back for the main event on Sunday? After tonight's discussion? I might not. Who wants to spend 4+ hours driving on the shitty roads between PVD and Hartford just to see a blowout by Hyde and KFC? I can stay home and watch it live on the computer if they actually can figure out how to make the broadcast succeed (which I'm sure they will... maybe).

Close enough to be local, too far to go for the day durning the week given schedule limitations.

Also, I haven't ridden my bike since the december hundo...

I'm tired (just typing is wearing me out, swiping/tweeting is so much less effort) really tired. December fucking kicked my ASS. I didn't sleep for shit in VA, didn't sleep for shit last night AND I EVEN CUT WAY BACK ON COFFEE... can't fucking win for trying. But, whatever. Keep moving forward.  Stubborn that way i guess. Stupid too. Too observant though...

Tweets composed and deleted since starting to write the post: over 10 now. Some probably would have been good, some were supportive, some were an attempt to be funny but 0 got sent. because i'm overdrawn on the confidence bank and am second guessing everything.

which really is situation normal.

oh well...

so yeah, i'm happy to talk about my feelings about Nats but does it matter? No, very likely not to convince anyone, or make a difference, so fuck it.

but at least I have the web log, can spout off w/o pissing off the twitterati, besides everyone who reads this knows i don't know what the hell I'm talking about. #tooemo

heddwch
G

2017 eh?

Writing on phone while in dentist office waiting room, thoughts flowing about as fast as I can write here.

Practically passed out last night, woke up at 5:15...  Tossed and turned for a bit then fell asleep until 10:30 when the dog said "get up I have to go outside, NOW!"

Wrote the above yesterday.

Couldn't sleep last night. Back to being amazingly fatigued, making dinner... Recipe forthcoming if it turns out OK.

I'm in fucking turmoil and agony not being in Hartford....   But balanced with being totally overwhelmed with how much there is to do here at home.

Being gone half of December is not good when you're the one who does everything other than laundry. But hey if I disappear for another weekend, what diff does it make.

Medication worked for the holidays, guess we don't stop it till after CXNats are over. Or when ever giant flask is empty (see Instagram)

Heddwch
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