curious number eh?

heck i barely broke 4 hours for the week of pedaling.

"What do you have planned for the weekend?"

So many of those questions...  my answer? nothing, i'll be working.

Bikes?

I'll have new drive train on Wed maybe.

I could probably ride the Klein for the first TT, or maybe ride the Paramount instead. Bikeworks is bringing it back starting next week.

A relief because now I don't have to feel bad about failing to follow through for everyone...  someone else picked up the slack.

i've let the slack out everywhere...  call it patient fisherman or over extended one hoping maybe to just land something on one of the rods....  likely land nothing but...  i'll pay the line out...

things have been better, but worse/better/different, easier when i was ignored, more difficult when people say "hey where the fuck are you"

of course i'm doing this to sort of self protect, it was getting bad trying to interact on twitter, and then now I feel, given the absence that I'm the asshole who's ghosted everyone.

figures...  who but me can take a self preservation action and turn it into a self destructive emotion...



oh well... theres a shit ton to do, we put the PO in for the insanely amazing microscope I went out to visit in PDX, the Hungarian specialist is pretty hot BTW. Unrelated to purchase to be clear. now somehow have to make the old shit work until then...


and somehow keep up with the demand of trainings that are pouring in faster than I can fulfill....

failing on all fronts...

fatter, slower, don't care, kind of liking the idea of saying fuck Cross...  fuck that arms race...  hire me to work if you can afford me, but i'm kind of feeling done with racing...  i'd elaborate but I better not tonight....

or ever.

heddwch
G

PS...  still haven't talked to any of my brothers, or my dad since they were all together for a week in CO...  w/o me...  nice that you all were able to coordinate it and shit... thanks for making me feel even more alienated than I thought possible...  and thanks for continuing to...

good head space most of the week,,,  failed to figure out one major scope problem and that piled on to everthing else...  tomorrow is another day...  a fresh start...  wake up, make coffee and go to work.

and the next day and the next day....  #shrug

didn't make it out this june...

today something unexpectedly odd (eye issue).

but before that yeah I still wasn't going to go, just tired, and uninspired to go fast/hard. And ok with that right now. No riding muse, no functional desire to go fast right now.

BUT i did order new shoes today...  TWO FUCKING PAIRS even. HELL YEAH.

My shimano's are destroyed, the bontragers are pretty fucking close on the heels....

Was tempted to go with the XC7 in red and blue/black but went with two pair of the blue black. Not feeling the red.

And my eye is bugging the shit out of me. Gdamit. Get me through the night and we'll see what happens in the AM.

Best case and i'll be at the eye doc and cancelling shit in the AM. or worst case, or at least in the case if my eye doesn't feel better in the AM. We'll see. Odd shit is that it is the other eye. not the one with the corneal scratch from the curly maple chip glancing off my cheek and deflecting under the safety glasses and grazing the center. Such a slight scratch that every once in a while when I get super dehydrated the eyelid has enough friction to remove the cells filling the scar and it takes about a week to heal.

This is the other eye.

And hey BTW, for the job i get paid most to do? I kind of need these fucking things.

New bike shoes though!

Cranks? we'll see, gotta check a few more distributors to find some 95 BCD 5 arm in a 44-48 size. Maybe then get the Surly cranks for the SSCX, maybe i just never have the White blue and Black blue in service at the same time.

Ideally I'd like to get the fork fixed for the paramount and make that one Road bike #1. Even if i go back to down tube shifters just to fuck with the god damn kids these days.

Wife being back has been really good, something's missing but much much less is right now.

What's missing? Cycling passion igniter. Over the years a few special people did that for me, Art? The Muse? same thing...  But i can't blame it on anyone else, because more often than not both of those passions, racing and creating, were self driven. Working on that now.

The art is stymied. I need to get my Dad's book done before he's done. And given that I haven't talked to him since april and he doesn't return phone calls and my brothers were all out there in CO w/o so much as even calling/connecting with me kind of leaves a question mark. But the book is something I need to make happen.

Not sure how. Would be nice if I was still close to that old friend who self published photo books to ask advice of.

My Eye is buggin the shit out of me. Work is fucking insane (both places). granted I'm only really working 60-70 hr weeks, it isn't so bad. Could be worse. Maybe I'll take the 4th off.

Gotta do the routine service on the Van and the Wagon. Maybe that'll be the 4th project. Working on cars is a good Patriotic thing to do? Better gather all the shit from Rock Auto before the weekend!

The bike situation is kind of crazy, but, discussions with legally bound partner has made me really comfortable with SSCX. But I somehow, oddly timed, caught the twitter post of the dates. More than 50% are outside the drive to racing range...  we'll see, if you know someone who wants to hire a CX race mechanic, send em my way. Very serious about wrenching being more of a priority than racing.

Suppose i should eventually get back on Twitter to push it...  Nah, no one wants some know it all jackass who can fix anything and has years of practice handing off bikes in the pit being taught by the best euro schooled pros.... nah...

No market there.

Soon i make bike ride more than to work.

maybe....

till then? #shrug

i got a full plate, and an appetite supported by the mental knowledge that I can eat even more than I'm trying to.

Hey BTW...  still decent head space, i'm a negative fucking melancholic grumpy unhappy regretting not realizing my potential before now...

okay, back to one eyed dinner cooking...  ouch...

more water - stay hydrated motherfuckers... also - pickles , grillos , to increase water retention....

heddwch
G

Hahaha that would be funny.

But still...  i checked into twitter yesterday, and once today after being off all week...  seems strange an alien.

Sorry, not meaning to undermine your confidence or value in that as a connection medium....  but it doesn't work well for me....

mostly... well i'll cite these lyrics:
"Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?"

or hell i'll settle for a color TV that isn't a CRT, or a bike that isn't 10+ years old and broken...

but over the last few days two dead bikes are alive and one that had terminal drive train issues is mostly okay.  and i started to look at the minimum shit i have to get to get back to the "hey not everything is falling apart" level... it isn't very minimal, but it is far more approachable than buying a new bike.

train of thought is vaporous tonight, here one minute, gone when i sit down to add a few more words...

haven't had a day off since when? oh well...  what the hell would i do then? work on the cars or the house? right...  probably. Oh well.

hopefully it won't be catastrophic

heddwch
G

of the SRAM Red stuff... or much of what they've done to be honest, i have no problem making it work and working on it but i'm pretty much done hanging the stuff on my bikes.

The Wheels of mine? dead. Gone, Done. hubs are pretty fucked rims are destroyed. No point in fixing either...  it was fun while I had you 303s...  you'll be missed.

Last week I put a new BB in the Black bike because it felt like it was detonating. Took out the bearings, one felt perfect, one a bit crunch but neither seemed close to essploding.

Put it together. Test ride seemd smooth and nice. 1 mile into the ride home, fuck it is back.

Tonight i finally decided to see if i could figure it out.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BVvXnLWjoc5/

And found that the carbon crank has unbonded from the aluminum interface on the spindle. AWESOME.

Tossed the SRAM 900 cranks on there (the ones with the pedals seized into the crank arms), chainring is worn to shit but then so it the drive train on the bike....  

But it is functional...  one more rideable bike....  kind of.

I built up an ALR 5 today. Fucking thing is way lighter than the Klein and that's with super shitty wheels.

And Now i'm gonna have to find two new cranks...  (SSCX and the 94 problem eh? and now this)....

And potentially new pedals too if I can't get them out of the cranks....

I better head back in early tomorrow and crank out a pile of bikes....  its the only way i can figure out how to offset these casualties of overuse...

I mean I'd love to get a new bike.... it's been a while...  The Surly SSCX doesn't count. It wasn't new, and needed a shit ton of work, and is still held together with luck.

And the Quantum Pro turns 20 next year....

Turned a corner only to be faced with the same stuff. But just turning the corner was good. Reminds me that the whole keeping on and keeping going is important...

so many fucking ellipses today...

it is gewilli.com...  you should expect it,

heddwch
G

Easier this way... Keyboard not in reach now... 

But the beer truck is functional again. There's still a giant pile of shit wrong with it, but the making it non functional problem is resolved.

N+1!!!

Except this fix doesn't get me out for smack down, doesn't fix the drive train issue with the worn old chain ring on the SSCX... Doesn't fix the fucked up SRAM red crank...

What to do now.

-redacted-

Life...

Life, so strange.

I read the student reviews today...  Of the class, it was good, helped temper the disastrous rest of the day....

But one bike is working that wasn't before

Progress...

Can't ask for much more than that...

Heddwch
G

If you think cheese is a killer.. look at the crackers... If you think butter is the problem
.. look at what you put butter on...

I'm tired, but good..

Feeling like things are turning around... Are they? Remains to be seen....

Today was gut check...

Not bad...

Good moments, bad moments...

Strange but good clarity? Yes

Life is..

Odd

But I took Instagram of it... It happened... So good

Good days? No pedaling., But hey shit is good. Ish.

no smackdown for me...

why?

Klein has paper thin tires on there, front brake is useless (carbon rim and old glazed carbon pads = no stop) Flatted the last time i rode that bike and yeah has a significant cut in the tread, and I have no other road tires that fit it.

Plan was to get the black blue back up and running.

Well. It was a great plan, when I thought it was just the bearings that were shot.

Took em out yesterday, one side felt pretty shitty, the other oddly smooth, even pressed into the BB shell.

But there was play that wasn't there before.

on both sides.

New bearings, test ride, smoooth. torqued down to max spec, rode home....  not a mile later...  WTF is that i'm feeling...

shit...

left arm (on the SRAM Red that I have the spindle is bonded to the drive side, non-drive bolts on at 54nm)...

wiggly

fuck

get home...  pull out my 10mm...  i can't tighten it anymore...

Still like that.

Granted this shit is old. Has seen a good dozen BB bearing changes, but goddamnit...  N-1 right now.

So lacking the resolve and will and mostly fear of confirming that i'm really actually n-1 even if i am not, i rode the Orange SSCX in to the shop...  got to work, put shit together...  4pm meeting turned to 5pm mid-day...  just before I left but before I'd had a chance to swap the drive train that I ordered for that bike... 5pm moved to 6...  TIME TO CHANGE DRIVE TRAIN! SWEET

Took EVERYTHING OFF! Chain, single speed freewheel, chain ring....

went to put chainring on...  i ordered a 110/130, cheap, wanted to try that tooth number....  holy motherfucking are you fucking kidding me? FOR FUCKS SAKE MOTHERFUCKERS! DAMNIT

94 FUCKING BCD ON THESE FUCKING CRANKS ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

OF FUCKING COURSE...

even EP....  more old shit than any other shop in the NBX corp....  had ZIP ZERO NADA! NOTHING!  I did find a biopace 52T NOS BCD and a 54t 110 BCD SR ring...  ANYTHING in the 94 BCD? nope.

Well shit...

So yeah, I put the worn chainring back on...  what the fuck else am I supposed to do, but new chain and new freewheel...  almost smooth, way the fuck smoother than before...

Looked at new bikes...  Raleigh has a sweet SSCX bike...  58cm (too small) expected in stock at the end of august, zero info on the one that would fit me...  Trek has a few Cronus with the stranglehold SSCX drop out that Sven raced in PDX, but the built bikes are all Sram and not SSCX... and the frameset is cheapish but the parts kit is formidable.

Part of me is loving keeping this old shit working...  source of pride, badge of mechanic's honor.

Watching a video clip of a Colonial? Bike racer dude winning the crit on a new Madone I just spend hours on line learning about at Trek U.... just underscored the divide....  I can't buy that kind of speed. I don't have the talent or the ability or time or  passion [any more] or discipline (last one/two most key i suppose) and shit, i get it.

but i'm getting to be okay with it...

if it means, not racing much/at all? Well shit, that's a lot less gas money, entry fees and all that. I don't talk to anyone the rest of the year, does it matter then? No. Esp not lately with the year round party and crossover between road and mtn...

patience.... time...

gotta figure shit out...

also I checked...  the orange jumpsuit is washed (still looks dirty, don't worry) and the seat/crotch is pretty damn thin, one more CX race wearing it and it could be gone, hell maybe even a pre-ride would kill it...

What am I good at?

Turning wrenches.

teaching microscopes...

i'd put taking pictures next but i'm not getting paid enough to call it pro level...  but also I realize I don't completely suck at that either...  definitely would say I'm a better photog than bike racer.

Directional crisis? Maybe...

I'm sailing in the dark, in the middle of the ocean...  tradewinds are blowing, I can't see the stars, no idea if I'm on course...  the night is long and the days are sunless and cloud most of the time, no chance for getting a good sight, but the vessel is seaworthy and is making steerage but not much more than that...

And you know what?

can't really ask for much more than that.

CX? yeah it is me, defines me, but does racing? I dunno...  growing divide...  the unbridgeable gap...  distance, time...  it is more rewarding being there in the pits for someone who just misses their UCI point than it is for me to be trying and failing to stay on the lead lap against professional masters like Myerson and McCormack. No disrespect meant to either of those guys, legit, they are hats off deserving of it all. Talent or hard work or perseverance plus passion or whatever combination it is...  I was in the pits changing wheels for the Saturn 100 in East Lansing. Frank and Mark came out (duh it was the late 90s) crit, fast... the two of them lapped the field in i dunno, 25 laps or less, then hung out. Mark won.

I was in neutral service....  changing a few wheels and giving people pushes off...

Why talk about this now?

Dunno...  mostly because I'm still struggling with wondering if it is even worth registering for another race...  what's the point? My SSCX weighs easily 2x as much as 90% of the field. 3x as much as 10% of the field...  What's the point of signing up to ride around and take beer feeds....  use the reg money to buy beer and ride around here.

Mojo...

burn out?

maybe...

keep coming back to Mike F's line in Pure Sweet Hell...

that's the hook...

the triple barbed one...

cutting the line doesn't remove the hook, but maybe wrenching will make the hook like a patch on the suit and something that is a piercing instead of a reminder of something else....

TOO DEEP?

WELL FUCK WHAT ELSE AM I GONNA TALK ABOUT...

also...  twitter weirds me out now...  realizing that it is some circle jerk safe space of people you're following who are doing way cooler shit than you, and and and whatever...  stopped checking there....

and FB keeps telling me "you haven't updated your status in X (5 now?) weeks" yeah well I keep posting smackdown stuff...  me updates? Meh.

But it makes for more lonely life, but then I get reminders that what I do reaches people, lots of people...  and helps them.. Not trying to be a martyr, but somehow my stupid brain needs to be reprogramed to build confidence and self worth in that endeavor...  IE renewable source of battery recharging that will keep me insulated from emotional shutdowns like your phone when you don't plug it in.

Weird day. But vacation day from picture factory (shit is gonna ramp up fast and hard soon... wait - the next 10 days are looking insane already happening)....

Brothers were supposedly flying out to CO today...  haven't talked to them in weeks...  left Dad a VM sunday... never got through....  looking at phone hadn't talked in a long while...

But then he does always remind me that it is a two way street...  reaching out works both ways...

only seems that when I don't reach no one else reaches back...  so my personal perspective is one that is very complicated and not very confidence building...

but it is also now late...

and while I rail against sugar, I do imbibe a beer or twenty...  but then I don't drink before I'm home for the evening so...   at least no insulin spikes during the day from the sugars...

but that's referencing stuff about people that I shouldn't care about

am I ok?

yes...  just a little totally fucking frustrated with my bike shit but then on the other hand who the fuck has 180mm 73mm BB cranks around? Guess I hit ebay at somepoint...  like bikes that fit me... unobtanium...

wish there was more of a realizable benefit  that everyone says about being tall to go along with the challenges it poses for finding bike shit that works...

oh well...

things are good, shit's okay...

one foot and all that

And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up

heddwch
G

Mel's mullet...

Good dad movies... But good GeWilli movies? No.

Last year my dad called to say he had Parkinson's​, on father's day.

This year I called.... Left voice mail. Some how my three brothers coordinated together to fly to CO but let me know only after it was too late.

This is way better than Twitter, esp since most of the five lake checking this won't until Monday....

Might as well have a couple more beers...

Heddwch
G

Holy shit.. cancer/diabetes STOP EATING MORE THAN 25G OF CARBS A DAY...

INSULIN SHOCK? HEY HOW ABOUT YOU DON'T EAT THAT FUCKING SUGAR?

sorry... Trigger...

How is it that people who are supposed to get this, don't.

How is it people don't get it? Why do you need insulin? Because you eat the sugar. How about not eating the sugar?

Somethings never change...

Sugar is still the enemy... 

But most of you thing orange juice is healthy...

You're fucking idiots...

And.. I don't care anymore. I suggested to Chris M maybe skip the sugar heavy smoothies... And he's dead... Killed himself.

Maybe if I hadn't tried to help, maybe he'd be here, addicted to fruit morning smoothies is better than dead...

It is a shitty day.

Y'all be good.

Even if you decide against the advice... Science is not engineering, science is flexible, happy and willing to be wrong. Because being wrong means agreeing with facts.

You decide.

Today sucked.

But no worse than most. I got a handful of bikes built. Starting to offset Nationals for the youngest, rock band camp for the other.

I do what I do for them.

Every day.

Every fucking day.

For them.

What ever it takes.,

Heddwch
G

Lethal Weapon marathon? Even with commercials​ sign me up although... I'm not sure I'm gonna make it till #4...

HFD at least to those who are them and all that....

I worked, did grocery shopping, called my Dads now time to start cooking my dinner.

Heddwch
G

well, i had a couple beers (yeah whatever, i like beer) and clicked on the twitter bookmark....

didn't make it 5 seconds of scrolling before I closed the tab and took a big drink.

THIS IS A TWEET IN OLD MAN FORM...  aka before people were all in on 140 and using it for everything...

the rain on the ride home was awesome...  effortlessly pedaling at stupid cadence with that ridiculously low gear...  no tailwind, but still sub 30...

and best was no one on the path.

arm warmers and windvest in mid-june? WTF? but it is still raining...

raining hard. I'll take it i guess. better than the start of the week at near triple digits.

heddwch
G

sometimes watching movies in an altered state is good. One example, Pappillion. HFS amazing rapt attention from start to finish altered. Intense and powerful. Unaltered, damn this is slow and long and lets get to the good stuff...

The Wall... now the wall holds up both ways...

and this guitar solo kind of doesn't suck.

Time to ride home in the rain, i've delayed it too long as it is...
heddwch
G

pays off sometimes, well i dunno about that, when did I start the Trek U stuff? couple days ago, made it to Ninja today...  figured I'd take a look at the benefits and the discounts (aka employee purchase program)... need new shoes, they ain't got no mtb shoes in my size... oh there is one pair, and they are bright fucking red. not my favorite but guess i'll have to wait and see. also there's a couple Boones in my size, but one is the canti Race Shop Limited one and the other is a '16 disc with sram stuff. nothing else.

oh well...  the shop management wanted everyone to be ninjas, i made it woot!

got the last couple modules done today between waiting for email responses and over lunch.

was maybe going to bring the dogs in to work but a bit too crazy, kind of feel like leaving early, but there's a bit too much going on.

sitting down to write instead of opening Twitter or FB. haven't looked at the first since yesterday...  talk about breaking the OAB ... or at least switching it up for something else.

Now to get back to S-tec and get back to above that 75% level. Scheduling everything is a bit overwhelming. But hey, i've been slowly getting back to caught up, actually may almost be. Took long enough. not caught up with the riding, that's been sliding but is okay.

Of course i write about almost getting caught up then I remember a few things...  oops.

oh well...

Looking forward to getting the prints up over at the Brewery, finally connected with Paul on the phone today...

small steps

heddwch
G

but getting there...

for the first time today I checked into twitter...

first time i was like "what is this shit soup, i don't like it"

I tried to spend lunch and a few defined down moments working on ninja today, but it was insane, two/three problems/consults at once, literally. and usually it is once at a time with time between...  lately? nope.

Oh you thought you could do this? nope.

This?
Nope

how about

nope....


endlessly... nope...

trying to balance everything, not doing too bad of a job, not having the worst time...  able to say "yup, i don't know shit but lets see what I can do" coupled with "yes i can help but it isn't an easy answer lets see if we can get through it w/o interruption"

next week will be interesting, both being here with my oldest just the two of us and not being in CO with my brothers.... if I step back clinically i see it as a very exciting time to reveal more insights...

right now i'm gonna try and sleep...  not riding much lately but still kicking my own ass non-stop...

super lame blog post but fuck that critique...  it is what it is and dumb as it is, it is...  take up your objections with anyone who comments on this bullshit

heddwch
G

well...

if you're not engaging in social media (aka twitter and facebook) suddenly there is a void to fill...

obsessively working towards Trek Ninja status....  also trying to get back to platinum S-tec after too long of doing one or two modules a month. Also Trek's is annoying, have to get everything 100%, at last S-tech is settling for 80%. And yes, full disclosure, in the beginning I was retaking the s-tech until i hit 100%, because it mattered to me. Now? GIMME 80% (which on a 9 question quiz is an unfortunately tight margin).

I could read a book but am in between ability to sink into book moments.

also bailed on Smackdown tonight. Weather looks like they pulled it off but I'm not ready to go and bike wasn't either, I do hope Pete gets me the new drive train before the single speed explodes. Yeah, it is on order, sure I could have just paid 2x as much on the internets and all that and been done but yeah no.

It'll survive... maybe....

getting pretty loud.

I have bearings for the beer truck's headset. I've got bearings for the black blue. Beer Truck's are easier to replace, but gonna make it a priority to get them both running before the end of the day Sunday, somehow.

Dinner then some educational videos.

heddwch
G

at this point with as fucked up as shit has gotten tonight over stuff that is pretty trivial but most absolutely important to some but less to to us much less athletically inclined... well

I've refrained from blasting a string of shit from the private twitters...  as in I really wanted to, but then didn't.

not that posting here is better but it is a release, esp since there's literally probably one or two people i can talk about this with and they both probably need a long explanation to get it if then and it is unlikely to convey properly.

And now just handed a card to my kids from my 100+ year old grandmother

disarmed but maybe less so... and just sad and feeling like a failure for not flying the kids across the country routinely to see her...  second guessing choices is what i do best BTW. but hopefully long term investment choices are worth it, but as with life, you never know.

The choices you make.

The are, you deal...  you move forward.

Or you move on, in what ever direction shit sets you on...

not sure really how to wrestle with the next week, my brothers, yeah all three, w/o me are flying out to Denver to drive together to Saguache to be with my dad for a week...  E and the youngest are going to be gone for all but two of those days and my oldest is here, no driver's license with the dogs and yeah... well... adding to it obligations and commitments of being one driver family with dogs at home mean Saturday plans are out the window and Sunday? that's a stupid day anyway. FUCK the patriarchy. Fuck those guys....  bunch of assholes anyway.

At least I'll be in a better mood in the morning, can't sleep worse than I did last night. Hey AC is pretty solid

Never have I switched from Heat to Cool without weeks of "off" in between. Always a first.... struggle mode but hey, whatever, that's life, I'm a welsh dragon.. we carry the fuck on, and still survive....

if i was to get a tattoo (not that i could decide where or which one or stylized or flag) that would be my first tattoo...  size and location relative to cost and all that....

Probably would do a St David's day leek, probably a daffodil too...  awesome plants and dragons...  pretty solid Welsh Botanist theme...

dreaming is fun, maybe i'll by a lottery ticket because well you can't win if you don't and the mental benefit of thinking you might is supposed to be worth something...  right?

Still probably won't buy one though... bad math.

Tomorrow is a new day, eh?

Heddwch
G

btw - i'm pretty close to saying fuck it with the racing of bikes and being just a fat mechanic...

i can go head to head in speed and knowledge with pretty much anyone wrench out there, yes there are plenty better/smarter than me by honestly, not that many....

mojo for racing/riding/training has been leached somehow...

this would be a tweet but has too many words, although I am also confident i could craft 140 characters to say it...  still on twitter ban.

no one asks if i want to ride, not that they ever had, seems I always was the one asking....

maybe i'll pull it together in time to find some fitness before CX rolls around...

doubtful though.

it is what it is....  resigned to the long term investment....

at least dinner will be finished before the sun sets tonight.

heddwch
G

Is it not the best?

I make most of the ice cream we eat in this house, not that we eat much, not that I eat any, but organic milk and cream and sugar and vanilla? I dunno, pretty much that's all that goes in there, read a label of most of the stuff out there....  more than 4 ingredients I bet.

But I hadn't made coffee Ice cream in a while, the oldest requested it, but ran out of time last night, made it this morning.

searched for ratio, i'd made it many times once finding the secret. but i guess hadn't written it down.

The secret?

Good (in this case some hipster fairtrade) Instant Coffee. Yup. You heard me right. Instant coffee.

Why? well you can dissolve that shit in Milk and milk is the base for Ice cream (unless you have shitty low fat content heavy cream then milk is a diluter. Organic Valley's Heavy cream is heavier than anything i've tired (short of buying raw and separating it myself, haven't done that yet).

I mean I love milk fat but using the 2 cup cream to 1 cup whole milk with that stuff is like making sweet vanilla flavored butter.

So a million years ago I stumbled on the 1 cup OVHC and 2 cups whole milk.

to make the coffee ice cream I put 4 teaspoons of the instant coffee in the milk, and 8 tablespoons of sugar. Dissolve both in milk (shake, heat, whatever) once dissolved cool that milk back down in the fridge. When it is all ready (cold and dissolved) add one cup of the OVHC (organic valley heavy cream if you hadn't figured that out yet) and 2 teaspoons of vanilla (good shit, fancy stuff) and mix it up. Put in ice cream maker (the cuisinart one is pretty fucking badass and i've been using it for 15+ years w/o hitch).

And that's how you make coffee ice cream.

Chocolate? skip the instant coffee and dissolve 1/2 cup of cocoa powder in the milk...

keep the shit simple and shit tastes good with very little effort.

Also....  tag in for those following along. I am not sure if it is good to spend so much time alone with my thoughts building bikes. But, bikes means i'm less broke...

heddwch
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Those daily affirmations? I need to add a few to mine. Or just start doing them.

Talking with a friend, and yes I do that occasionally now, not as often as I used to, in fact far less frequently than before '14 rolled around, logarithmically in actuality. But that's neither here nor there and things change and people drift apart.

Okay, not intended for that to be anything more than a clinical evaluation and statement of what it is, no resentment/judgement or otherwise implied. I'm still making the adjustment but am at peace with it.

TO THE POINT! of the title...

I got solidly more introspective after that post i edited all the shitty sad depressing parts out of (i saved them as a separate draft so as not to lose them totally)...  I was drawn out a bit by a left coast friend, afore mentioned yes.

He asked a question: If dinner was made, bikes were fixed, and money wasn't a problem...  would that fix it? (no direct quotes, pulling from top of brain beaten down by the day). Gut and instant and long reflection? No. Those are things I can do something about was my reply then. But then if I can why not happy when. Today, clicked a bit, found my personality. Why drawn to cycling? long term investment, takes time, need to do stuff w/o immediate reward.

All this shit I'm doing is long term, and when I forget about it I get sad. But human nature and sometimes mine is to feel sad when everyone around me is getting instant, or short term rewards...  something I'm not sure I have ever had, despite being aware of everyone else, but then someone probably can point to some short term rewards I've gotten. That's the other side of the razor. If short term reward received, feels undeserved. Appreciated, but undeserved and as such doesn't satisfy the reward and happy circuit of the brain. That coupled with who knows when the long term rewards happen = not the prettiest of pictures. Esp if you link in my cycling success. Outside of the fall of 2013 i've been horrible on the bike racing it. And even then? I was just passably competent compared to my CXy friends...

I've been thinking about this long term reward thing, and it has been helping my mental state/perspective. I've been struggling but never super dark or despair, okay there was literally one night a month+ back that actually scared me how bad I was, but scaring myself was enough to rebound enough to keep making sure my long term investments and actions to help others despite reward intact. It is a weird selfless plan. So contrary to most successful humans that it seems lessened. But fuck that. build your immorality by leaving behind impressions that will be remembered.

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I wrote this a good number of days ago, haven't been back to it since. Well I re-read it yesterday (I think, it was crazy, i think i read it while trying to quickly eat lunch) , but i didn't edit it but i did think, damn this shit is on point.

Maybe I read it on thursday? I dunno. Can't keep track. And now that the russian bots are in hiding the page views are appropriate.

my oldest kid turned 17 today and my youngest's team won the state championships this morning and is headed to nationals in July. In Indiana. I watched the game, then raced home and back to the city and then shopping and then home and then bike shop all the rest of the day then back to the city pick up kid then back home work hard on making dinner, but it was late because well i was late getting home although I could have been home and had someone else pick up K but well...  that would have made sense.

corner turned? mostly. I think. completely? not even close.

I haven't ridden outside of commuting in a couple weeks. Maybe Tuesday'll happen. I'll have to ride the Klein again, old, heavy, non-aero, whatnots. I hate having such an equipment disadvantage, but on the other hand, this shit was prime at one point, even if i wasted it when I was younger and had the best bikes...  too bad i never was able to match up to the bikes I had.

At least now the bikes are a good reflection of me, broken down, barely working, not fast, heavy, tired, worn out all the time. But still bikes. even if i'm down to two barely rideable ones. Bikes are still awesome.

New drivetrain has been "ordered" when it gets here? up to Pete and the next order from J&B.

i'm gonna hit post. Crack open a beer and find something entertaining on the internets and consume instead of create for a change...

heddwch
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Well... last night... talk about an unfiltered brain dump. I knew there was a few things I would be inclined to edit when I re-read it.

But was actually surprised at which lines I wanted to edit, then debating if I want to change it or just leave it as a raw reflection of the moment.

Kind of leaving it as the latter.

Waking up feeling pretty good. It was wet but not raining., Getting better at not looking at twitter/FB. But the new Instagram algorithm is killing me, I hate it. Gimme chronological order please. It is like they are trying to kill the original side and focus on stories only.

I didn't really take a break from this so much as just freaking have been going flat out.

Walking to the shuttle from the remote facility I got thinking...  my job, I help people. All day. That's what I do. I don't make stuff, I don't have to hit goals or sales targets, I teach people how to use microscopes and then figure out why they aren't working. Yeah yeah, no big deal, I get it, used to it, but it is also different than many people's occupations. odd though that i thought about it at all. Other than it actually, even as silly and inconsequential, i invest heavily in it and it actually is kind of emotionally exhausting at times.

But hey rode in and it wasn't raining. Roads/path were soaked and puddling and lots of debris kicked up on the bike even with the fenders. Found out about a secret outdoor hose, so bike actually got all the shit washed off before going into the office to hand out all day. Bonus!

No smackdown because of rain. We were going to start the West side version, the OG Mark Nicholson one but rain? nope.

anyway...

maybe things will settle down and I'll get a chance to relax. Also i'm kind of bummed that I can't fly out with my brother to visit my dad...  so that was kind of bringing me down. But it just means I'll have to carve time into the summer somewhere to head to Colorado. June's kind of already stupidly busy though. Supposed to have a lull. But well...  this year is different.

every year is it seems...

heddwch
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Yeah...

is there a better refrain for the fuckheads thinking they are better than everyone else?

Clap your hands together motherfuckers

been trying to find myself...  started writing four different posts. Didn't actually create a draft for any of them except 1. but that one isn't on blogger. it is somewhere else.

click over here - every post before the last has 100+ views, the last one only 15. Makes me laugh.

What to write about besides not writing?

Working, all the working, picture factory is crazy, building bikes and stuff, being at the other shop means I've already build more bikes in the last couple months than the previous shop has at this point by nearly 2:1. Means better $ but more pressure... gotta get them done. But getting them done means $...

but then i haven't ridden at all, with anyone really. May last year was what 1800 miles? what was may this year? fucking no where close. Not even one hundo the whole month.

Dropped to the second page over the weekend for the state in the National Bike Challenge. Very different than last year.

Everything is different.

words sometimes.....

respect to Frank Tuner, for putting words together in a way i wish I could.

for Against Me! and Rise Against and NOFX and the rest of the fucking music makers who've kept me going....

We'll play, everybody will sing...  I won't sit down, I won't shut up, and most of all I won't grow up...

thanks Frank...

maybe i need a few tatoos....  if I could only decide......

life...

dinner is almost ready...  will be ready sooner if i wrap this shit up and step away from the computer....

heddwch
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