so what to say,

I had meant to start this on Sunday. I woke up bleary eyed, scrolled through notifications on the phone read them and then totally forgot about pretty much all of them - like for days - honestly. The ones that pestered me between then, well I was reminded. Why did I forget? I try not to do that, I don't have many people that still make an effort to reach out past my social handicap and I try to work on being reciprocal, but I fail quite a bit. Sunday was car day and shopping and other stuff I think. I don't remember but it was a busy day but it was good to take the momentum of the Secret Squirrel race and carry through.

And motherfucker it worked. Carried through right through even today. Tired now but not nearly anything like what I have been in the past after two days of course building. I wonder what the difference is? I'm also not feeling super tired. FOR A CHANGE HOLY SHIT!

I'm tired right now, will hopefully be able to fall asleep soon. That's such a huge difference from having to drink enough to essentially be able to pass out. Yeah, it wasn't good, and so now I'm pretty much going to have to do this for a while. And that's a good thing.

So Secret squirrel started off knowing that I needed to take the bike I haven't touched since Fruitlands and convert it back to single speed. So I did. Headed to the shop, got that done. Not I didn't just do the conversion.

I put some fat meaty tires on too. A big 45 Riddler up front and the 40 Nano that was on the front and not worn on the back. Set up was TOUGH and tight. Took a good bit of persuasion to get the Riddler to pop on and seat and be round. Unlike the Schwalbe (1st gen tubeless CX) that were too easy to put on (but held 25PSI for 4 weeks). Okay maybe they were down a bit when I changed them.

So the big tires on there, bit change. Also a tread pattern I haven't really used at all on the front.

Got my shit together, headed up. Found some parking, headed up and got number, hung out, watched a bit - didn't get shoes and stuff on until after the 123 race went off. But I was poised to hit the course as soon as they were done and got almost a full lap in, all but the tiny start/finish stretch. And the gear felt good, the course felt good, I could ride Heckle hill, I could hop all the logs and the two run ups were the two run ups. I liked the flow and got changed and pinned up and tossed on some embro.

And then eventually got started after a few parking lot laps with Eric the Viking and Matty O. Chatted while riding around, seeing all the great people of Singlespeed and CX. It was awesome. We headed eventually to the start. Got gridded up. I picked the left, kind of wanted the right but the left was the wide side of the turn and well it was a good move. Picking the middle would have left me picking myself up out of the big old pile up. We plowed towards the run up, managed to flow up pretty well, no standing around. Although Keith B was standing at the bottom putting a chain back on. Headed up, flowed through the heckle hill (I took the right most line the first time) down around past the terrifying footed barricades, and the pit and up the run up and well I was good - gap was opening an inch or so on each pedal section in front, but not too badly, but there was a big line behind me that wasn't able to pass. It was fun.

They got around eventually, I kept moving, racing, feeling good, hurting, lungs were dying, phlegm was building (gotta deal with that better some days there's no phlegm some days a ton). But I kept it pretty steady, full gas and then...

Here comes Mike W and Brad S. They are racing, mike's in the lead, oh shit they are in the same section behind me!!!! I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HOLD THEM OFF HOLYSHIT I MIGHT STAY ON THE LEAD LAP! FUCK YEAH...

Oh shit... I gotta RIDE and I tore up the course as much as I could.

Did i mention my front tire was acting kind of flat? Like there was a LOT more air in it when I checked the pressure and did the pre-ride. Well it held on and didn't go flat but it was fun/interesting/cool to ride a tire with that low of a pressure.

AND?

I beat Mike to the line and was granted ONE MORE LAP... HELL YEAH!

I could have slowed up, and been done. But no. I think Mike could see I wasn't giving up and was trying to go hard enough to stay in front and given his gap over 2nd place I think he probably sat up a little to let me go through, but I DON'T CARE.

I had fun racing.

It was a blast.

It is supposed to be that way right? ThomP did an interview and all the bead snot and everything, but it didn't make the final cut. I saw him today and he said it was in, then out, then back in, and finally out. I'm okay with that.

So I raced.

I worked on the car on sunday, did the shopping, cooked, split some more wood, shuffled more wood around (did that on Friday too as openers).

This week has been busy. I didn't get a couple things done. One of which is submitting to a gallery show that is due Sunday. Plan is to work on that tomorrow night. If I can move.

But I got a LOT more done than I thought I could. Mostly going non-stop, with a few twitter breaks here and there. Had some deep introspection a bit, more on the positive resolution side than normal so that was good to.

Odd how the shift happens. Takes getting one or two things done, and building from there. Problem is I keep building till it is too much then collapse. I've got a week and a few days to recover from this weekend before Seattle.

This week was also compressed because I used two vacation days I was going to lose. I used them to build the course. Two intense busy days.

Traffic going there and coming home has been NUTS. So many f'n accidents, and just too many f'n cars. But I'm glad I don't have to deal with that shit everyday.

So anyway. Here I am, it is late friday night here, I need a shower, and to work on finding my shit for tomorrow.

I did actually get on the course. I did two laps in the total blackness. But on the Crossrip+ (it has lights). Ripped it. It was fun. Amazing how much fun it is to have 350watts added immediately to the pedals w/o working. FLYING! Even the slick commuter tires were fine. It plowed and dug in in a few spots, it was a chore to haul up the stairs and over the barriers and across the sand but it was a RIPPING FUCKING BLAST! I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THAT POWER without having the motor. Probably achievable, just isn't there now. But maybe motivation to find it. Because it was so cool.

And yes. I'm racing 40+ superfast masters 1-4 tomorrow, on my single speed. Because I can't go any slower than that gear and there were only a couple gears harder so, well, I'm gonna need to spin up the cadence for a few sections, and will have to go faster in others (rather than downshifting and going slower).

Hopefully we'll see you tomorrow.

Beer is on me if you're drinking, if you can find me, I'll get you one or if you're lucky, two.

Also as of tonight: Jumpsuit crotch hole is patched, we're back in business.

heddwch
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Except it seems to have co-opted into something not that.

Mood's been back more in flux lately. Good moments, bad moments, overwhelmed moments.

I'd comment on Supercross Cup but well - what can I say - it looked fun I wish i was in shape to have been there to race super stoked for Jane to have a podium break through. She's been really focused lately and this is pretty huge for a totally unsponsored (aside from a few race fees because she's collegiate). She could do well, her bike handling is really solid, and she's figuring the rest of the stuff out.

Thom's Dirtwire coverage is ridiculously good. Super pumped to have had that.

I wonder how Myles fared talking to the venue on Monday. Is supercross going somewhere else next year?

I am not going to say anything else about the race - don't want to be sucked down a rabbit hole of unresolved and difficult emotions.

I haven't touched the CX bike since Fruitlands. Probably won't get to it until Friday. 4 weeks. I sprayed it off but still a handful of dried on cleaned grass. I did toss some lube on the chain, hopefully it is okay. Although I'm not going to go back to gears this year. Likely signing up for NBX to race the 40+, but mostly to see how long I can hang out riding the single speed before getting lapped. Lantern Rouge! No where to go but up, eh? Can't get much slower. But hopefully I can turn this around. Going to help set up, use up the two vacation days i'll lose on Thursday and Friday running around helping Matt and the rest of the NBX crew get set up.

Oh and the van is all fucked up again. Weeeee. Symptoms are consistent with a known fuel pump relay fault. If no recall though I'm on the hook. Although the same TIPM is installed on a huge range of Chrysler vehicles, only a handful have been recalled, for fuel pump failure. The TIPM is just a fancy fuse box but with permanently attached electronics and non-replaceable relays. There's a fix, I'll see what I can do about getting it working on Thursday. Looking to drive the Volvo till then. At least that one is somewhat reliable.

I'm kind of bummed about how the cars getting fucked up and needing shit disrupts my mood.

I rode less in October and November this year than i did last year. That's nuts. I guess last year I was riding my new CX bike a couple days a week in the woods. It was great. Somehow I've gotten even busier this year?

Sober thanksgiving is going to be really strange. I did a great job not getting blasted last year, until I got home. We'll see how this holiday goes. It'll be fine and I'm not worried about it. But I guess the VA in-laws were worried. We're only going down for a couple days and I am not drinking, OMG WHAT IS WRONG IS EVERYTHING OKAY HOLY SHIT DO WE NEED TO EMPTY THE HOUSE OF BOOZE OR NOT DRINK AROUND HIM? Alarm bells and panic was caused by the suggesting that my SIL's MIL not give me the usual 12 pack of Yuckling wrapped up for christmas...  Hey thanks for the support, yeah that's great. Means a lot. /sarcasm

I've been catching up on a ton of stuff here - seems odd - still catching up. Here as in work as in doing stuff I have been putting off because I'm too busy or instead of doing it while eating lunch I'm writing a few words down. Which is i suppose okay instead of not taking a lunch break and just working from when i walk in until i leave. Checking twitter while I'm waiting for computers to restart or hardware to sync. Twitter's good for that - finding a good balance on there that is better for me. Avoiding FB pretty much as much as I can.

tomorrow's going to be 'fun' it will be good but it will be busy and we'll rush around until it is time to go home then sit there with not much. Guess I have a book still to read. Bike stuff to get ready for and wood to shift around. Plenty to do. Oh and the car to work on.

At least the forecast is moderating a little. only supposed to be 13F tomorrow morning and 11F on friday. Good temps for working on the car on Friday. Oh yeah. Well it is going to get warmer than that - how much? we'll see - would be nice to have a garage to do this work in, but such is life.

Okay - i'll write happier better shit with good stories sometime. For now I'm just using it as it was meant to be - super low traffic under the radar long form get shit out of my head.

heddwch
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state of mind now

 sinus infection has kicked in a little, hopefully it stays out of the lungs - fact/observation - not related or strange. Also got the flu shot today, sure it is a racket and companies stand to make millions and millions on the shot, all for some scientific wild ass guess cocktail of non-infectious strains. But hey - figure they change it every year - just adds to the catalog of familiarity that my immune system has....  can't find a good argument against it.

Did the wellness thing while I was at it. Numbers are good, people are crazy. Did accidentally get into a discussion, asking the "choose healthy sugar" lady if her pancreas could tell the difference between sugar from fruit or added or refined sugar. She kind of fell back on the but the fruit is better for you line of bullshit, and I said Type 2 diabetes is still diabetes.

Was reading more of that new book. So good. More thinking. So bad.

Alone. Me.

going to let this one simmer tonight before posting.

=---=---=

and so i let it simmer - did a bit of a rescue of someone stranded in the snow last night, never got to this yesterday morning, haven't read much since then.

I forget where i was headed with the alone part - except that I need to be alone but also not alone - kind of the typical shy introvert that craves contact with sympathetic and friendly humans.

Just got fucking derailed and chewed out. Nothing significant but still enough to take a pretty okay day and destroy everything I've worked at building up over the last few days.

I did at least get the Gallery stuff submitted before that happened.

Fuck...

No bike racing this weeekend...

Riding in this morning was like dumping a slurpee over each foot with each pedal stroke.

The low bottom bracket plus the rain saturated snow and pouring rain meant the wave off of the front tire on the bike path was soaking my feet.

I didn't put on winter cycling shoes, or shoe covers. My feet were fucking COLD.

And the gloves I grabbed, i have only used them in the cold, they work for that. They DO NOT work in the rain. They filled up with water, nice cold water. trapped the water in like it keeps the air out. Kind of wetsuit style I guess. But it was not good.

Managed to make it without any lingering issue and everything is dry right now for changing and getting dressed and riding back home.

Fuck...

still really bothered by the issue - assured it would all be okay and not a problem but I could have handled it better and am just sad angry and pissed and 'derailed' is a good way to put it.

oh well...

heddwch
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feel pretty shitty that it is a problem, so trivial, mope about it for a bit, but now that it is identified well DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Can I do something about it? Not without a massive cascade of negative impacts on other people. Am I willing to do that?

Nope.

Sulk...

look for options... none

Suck it up big boy, time to move on and try to make the best of what you've delt yourself.

Deep breath, lets get shit together and make stuff happen.

Although since nothing is really changed - the chance this will repeat again is absolutely assured. Maybe next time I'll have better mental tools. After all, life is about adding to the tool chest. A hammer and a screw driver can get a lot done, but it doesn't take long to realize if you're even partly aware that they might work, but they're doing as much collateral damage as fixing.

yeah - got out of the shower (late blah blah blah - i'll be at my first appointment on time and I've already gone through the emails) and brain was in good head space.

Maybe from thinking about the gallery show coming up at the end of January and logistics and trying to figure out how to get some demo dissecting scopes to complete the whole process of scale perception.

time to pedal. unfortunately - gonna have to take the assist, but it is a very welcome option for days like today!

heddwch
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It is a good book. Deals with a huge range of sexuality, gender and future and strangeness but well crafted so far. As a set up Soq is non-binary, gender neutral, they/them/their. Confusing for some old timers who aren't used to those words being singular pronouns.

Three-quarters of the way out the Arm, Soq stopped at a noodle stand. This one had little stools and a tarp on each side to keep some of the wind off. Soq was swallowed up in clouds of hot steam smelling of five-spice powder. Home was noodles. Home was food and warmth. Soq paid, took a stool, shut their eyes, and meditated on the moment, its beauty, its peace. The coldness of the wind and the warmth of the food and the fact that everyone eventually dies. Letting go of everything they did not have, every ugly thing they’d seen, every moment of pain they’d felt that day, the day before, every day to come.

Kind of a good meditation side of things eh?

I think perhaps there's some space for some meditation beyond what happens on the bike. Because that sometimes is meditative, sometimes the opposite.

That is what this is, remember. Moments.

Tailwind on the way home in the dark. The charge indicator on the headlight turned green literally about 2 seconds before I unplugged it.

Felt good on the bike.

Missing the bike.

Thought quite a bit more on the way home.

Got home, started working on dinner. Turned some music on. let it displace all the negative shit and just focused on cooking.

Felt much better. Dinner isn't what I planned, but it isn't terrible. The chicken wound up more Moroccan than Mexican, but on the salad it still works. Tasty.

I got thinking about the sausage tent sausage and stuff... lead me to think about how I never manage to show enough appreciation for somethings and excessive emphasis on stupid inconsequential shit. Shouldn't be a bit surprise esp since there's very little normal about me, normal/conventional/whatever.

okay - gonna do some reading i think... i could clean up but that takes too much energy, and it is at the where do I start point and if I start how do i stop and I just can't. So i'm going to read.

heddwch
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Feeling pretty okay and functional.

Something really dumb derails me and I'm back down being miserable.

At least over the last 24 hrs or so it has been feeling a little better and better but still - like just now woosh onto the waffle iron, ouch

below the fold TL:DR "up and down and hopefully more up than down by the end of it"

I'm more rested thanks to the early coffee cessation yesterday. And to DiPinto for drinking part of the pot I made at the shop while teaching the bike maintenance class.

I was dead tired early. Couldn't keep eyes open at 6pm. Struggled through making dinner, got in bed just after 8, read a little more, fell asleep.

Man was I off yesterday. Way way way off. Not much better today. Saw this earlier today and though yeah kind of right.

Depression is like airplane mode, but for people.

— Brandon (@brandonlgtaylor) November 11, 2018

Can't really sort it out, just have to keep working on getting everything done.

Ride tomorrow is cancelled, not just because it is raining all day but that certainly makes it easier. now to figure out what to do with the day - probably just be back here catching up on stuff could be doing in the few minutes I'm writing this.

Not even quite sure how to describe it, chemically it is probably just nothing is firing in any of channels. Hey welcome to my world. Maybe this is still part of the re-adjustment to being with out the ETOH chemical influence and the downstream metabolites. Lets go with that. And stick with that I guess as the going plan and keep pushing through.

At least I'm recovered almost completely from that last cold. Tiny bit of nose stuffiness. Kind of wish I could clear out one of the days of the week when the weather isn't shitty but yeah, no dice.

Maybe I can scrounge a few hours anyway.

Also thinking about the bikes. Yeah I have that sweet Klein Qunatum Pro, and I love that bike, I like just seeing it hanging in the bike room. But riding it, not so much, maybe care too much for it, or the shit on there is old, the levers just don't feel super comfortable... The dead CX bikes were at least really good road bikes. until the cranks fell off. The white blue is trainer ready but not road ready (brakes) still down a crank on the black blue. The paramount needs a new fork, and the Crockett is an awesome CX bike but it sure ain't much for road and I'd have to change tires. But a road bike with only a 34t chainring kind of sucks. I made a 40t work for a year, but that was pretty spinny.

I took the orange tank out saturday, the big surly 1x1. lovely tall gear perfect for around here, good for riding on the road alone, not so much with others. Ah well.

plugging through, trying to make it work, life is crazy, for everyone yeah?

Time for lunch - writing in fits and starts probably reads pretty terribly - fortunately there aren't many reading it.

heddwch
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Best laid plans and all that...

Kid was supposed to have an away soccer tournament, no one to be home with the dogs, no trip to NoHo. Too far for a day trip, but then maybe not, could be fun showing up saturday, not fun driving though. But with that trip and them being gone all weekend I scheduled a Park Tool School Class for Sunday.

Get home, "tournament is cancelled"

so Saturday of sleeping in after they all leave super early, not so much just me hanging out, relaxing, alone, maybe going for a ride - cooking what i want with lots of  mushrooms and stuff and just being here has turned into not that.

Change is fine, it is whatever, kind of would have liked to go to NoHo.

tempered frustration...

sigh...

was going to tweet about it but who cares, can't really complain, no need to complain but i'm still slightly frustrated and what not.

guess i can still get a ride in maybe. Or not? Maybe I'll see if any of the local SOGs want to head out.

BUT WHAT BIKE DO I RIDE? Depends on who comes out to ride I guess.


Anyway - I started a bit about art and stuff after watching the movie on Wed. I had wanted to go to the Nature lab opening reception but schedule conflicts and stuff.

Oh well things are what they are and will be...

Still, it would have been fun to be at NoHo this weekend.

heddwch
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I avoided everything last night. As much as I could.

Yes I voted. I took my oldest to vote. First election for them. Pretty sure they will never miss another election. That is the future.

I would have loved to see Beto win. But a long shot is a long shot and to be that close speaks volumes. Should be seen as a positive.

here’s the video of beto saying “i’m so fucking proud of you” if anyone needs a new alarm tone pic.twitter.com/mkApPHjW9W

— Adam J. Kurtz (@adamjk) November 7, 2018

Case in point.

Florida is gonna Florida. Another twitter gem was this.

I swear Florida could be voting between ice cream and a kick to the head and the results would be 50.5%-49.5%.

— Benjamin Park (@BenjaminEPark) November 7, 2018

I mean absolutely right on it seems. Riding in I was thinking, well if sea level rises what happens to Florida? Thinking this as I'm riding along a handful of feet above sea level on a bike path that would be gone before, or along with, Florida was less than fun of a thought, but then again, RI isn't flat and while a good bit of it might melt away, the smallest state would just become smaller.

Georgia? Well Stacy hasn't conceded, I hope she doesn't and maybe there's a recount and shit changes there but, yeah, that's a long shot, not quite worth being optimistic about. That said progress and challenge is enough to offer hope.

It is good. All this stuff. The flipping of the house, the governor's that did win, Kansas? how about that shit!

It wasn't the overwhelming blue wave but it was a pretty solid wave and more importantly it seems that it has created a foundation for change. The tide is rising a bit. A part of me, while ever hopeful for the full sweep, was worried about it. What the fuck would cheeto and co do if they lost everything, backlash would be insane. Now? they won just enough to feel they did something, heck both sides remain hopeful it seems. That's good. As long as there's a chance the rules won't change too much. And in the two years before the next election maybe some non-republicans can make headway and a name for themselves in some of the red senate states.

I hate to be positive and happy. But, well, you know...  it could be worse, and this really is pretty good - although I still want to punch Nazis and make racists afraid again.

My cold is fading a bit. Although looking forward to trying to be functional tonight I am back to last week coffee intake. At least I'm not blowing my nose every 2 min.

But the day's schedule is already messed up - time to shift stuff around, no more internetting for a bit.

heddwch
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Hard core dischord in my heart.
But listening to the catalog at Dischord is good medicine:


The elections - the visual apathy from the white "independent" folks (men) who don't care and see it all as a ridiculous exercise and pointing out that there's no real difference between the R and D parties, they are both corrupt corporate tools with no recourse for real change.

I disagree, esp lately. But there's this lingering frustration. The whole being in a state that is #1 super small, #2 pretty consistently aligned with the Democrats and tucked in a region that is consistent. Not homogeneous, there are plenty of racist douchebros here, and everywhere, and they get bolder with every rally and every FauxNews broadcast.

Le Sigh. Can't vote in the Texas thing, but man I hope Beto can do it. And the governor races in FL and GA. Can I vote in those three elections? No. But man so much hinges on all three races.

And that fucking add that ran during SNF holy SHIT. fuck.

MAYBE THIS ALBUM ON REPEAT

Currently half thinking about driving to Northampton for Saturday just to hang out and see everyone, maybe bring the dogs. It is a long drive to just hang out, esp with so much not getting done at home and winter coming and me having lots of wood to split and stack (and get the seasoned stuff under better cover to dry out the rest of the way). But it would be fun to head up there. Even just to spectate. But it looks like I'll be teaching a bike maintenance class on Sunday the 11th. I may need to elect to stay home and lay low and chill with the dogs while everyone else is out at an away tournament.

But anything beyond staying home is going to be based on getting over this fucking cold. Nose at least isn't running as much as it was yesterday. Holy shit. Maybe side benefit of not drinking is getting over the seasonal cold faster? I think that also may require me getting some more sleep.

or at least catching up on sleep. or both. I've cut back on coffee the last couple days. Not by much but it seemed to help falling asleep last night.

Haven't been on the bike other than the trainer on Saturday. Not today. Kid is coming home from college to vote today. So I drove in to facilitate getting the two of us to the polling place. And then back to the train.

Man I need to ride my FUCKING BIKE.

I've let work creep into my riding time. But then everything else has crept into my riding time, work is just a small part of it.

Oh well. I'll keep working on making time to make time to ride. Maybe I need to do the NECX HOTM challenge again. But perhaps make it a 6 month challenge. Jan-July. Heck maybe it needs to be either two hundos a month or one double. Or two hundos ending with a double in June and July.

Something. Need something/someone to get my butt moving. I'm not doing a good job of self motivating, gotta change that.

Also lately have been reflecting and missing http://ezracaldwell.com/ Thinking about MLFN ... and stuff...

Too much thinking...

Starting last cup of coffee right now. It is noon. Going to be interesting to see if I can make it through the rest of the day w/o any more caffeine.

At least this morning has been a scattered - support - email - organize - fix - advise - morning, conducive to web logging and listening to Dischord's catalog:

heddwch
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moments here and there - sort of patches of sunlight sneaking through the cloud cover to light up the landscape for a few minutes.

mostly gray

I want to re-read The Starship & the Canoe but it is kind of hard to find and not in the digital library - haven't looked for print copies there yet. I read it in high school and parts of it stick with me. Also this one too Baidarka.  I have both in print, hopefully still at home, perhaps one of my brother's read them and they've moved on to another pile of books. Neither are in the shelves that I've hauled around with me. Def going to be looking for them when I head home in December.

Project Orion also looks like a good read too.

This hit home too. Russ shared it on twitter - was good or not good to read. thoughtful and relateable indeed.

Peter's helmet article also very solid. I can't find fault in it other than the red meat bullshit.

I need to head home, grab groceries on the way home. at least enough stuff to supplement what little is left for cooking. never made it to the grocery this weekend, busy doing other stuff.

Non-stop. Lost a vacation day. oh well. doesn't matter.

Halloween was. headed to one of the close friends of the youngest - everyone was drinking, I turned down a pile of beers, easy, no pressure, no problem. Felt right. No longing. Almost at revulsion level now. Esp smelling beer on other people. My how the tables have turned. And that's a good thing, but it will still take a long time for it to be normal for me and for it to not be constantly part of my thought process. something like that gets ingrained and not easy to change.

well, i'm writing instead of leaving to go shopping.

best cut that shit out so dinner is ready before 9pm...

heddwch
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