All of it. Found all of the shit. First my orange jacket, then I remembered where the other one was (at the bike shop, took it off to try on and buy the orange long sleeve NBX jersey for MTB and left it there and forgot about it). Actually found my glasses too.

FOUND EVERYTHING.

But I feel like crap. Legit terrible. Sleep hasn't been great so maybe I'm just tired. Poison Ivy is finally fading so that's good. Weather has been not great for riding so I haven't.

Got the ceiling painted, or at least primed. Did it by hand, with a brush. Being tall is nice, but man i hate the smell of primer. This stuff was a bit thick, didn't roll so well.

Ain't gonna be the prettiest paint job, but it'll work 

Need to get the final coat on before the tiles I guess - maybe. Would really want to get that done before the tiles but I didn't get paint yet. Didn't get paint though, I needed to get it, but well haven't done that yet. Might get it done before the tiles go in, we'll see how that goes.

Maybe i'll even ride a bike one of these days...

maybe...

plenty of shit happening oh well...  we'll get it done some how...

finding stuff is good

now to find some rest

heddwch
G

https://www.planetbike.com/fall-2019-super-commuter-kent-fackenthall/

SRSLY

Well chosen  Planet Bike.

Today has been a struggle but fuck it - it also is an adventure.

To be completely honest I felt like crap on the bike, and the most worriesome was climbing the little hill on the single speed.

The spot where I broke the chain and I backed way off. 

BTW THAT DOESN'T WORK WHEN YOU ARE ON A SINGLESPEED...

There was an unconscious distrust of the bike. And I didn't like it.

I just feel off.

Maybe it is the slow bleeding of Prednisone from my system.

Or something else?

Also I think I've added my sunglasses to the pile of shit I can't find. Had em yesterday - then I didn't.

But did you read that planet bike thing? makes ya wanna ride. A freaking inspiration.

Anyway...
step
by
step

one foot
in front
of
the
other

even as everything falls apart around me and inside me

heddwch
G

Read?

No more progress on the bathroom. Maybe tomorrow after work. Yeah, sigh, full packed day. Just like everyday, but this is there and doesn't feel like i've had much of  a break. Going to be interesting I suppose. Working with good people all day so that always makes it worthwhile.

But no bikes since...  Thursday late night in the dark. Still no sign of my jackets.

Must have mis-counted on the Pred pills cause i'm down to not the right number. Either I took too many or the pill slider fucked up and shorted me a couple. Hopefully this will be enough of a taper that my adrenal glands don't 'infarct' as my doc said they would w/o it.

Legs were itchy and only moderately disruptive last night, better and better but so strange to have it go so long and intense. I haven't looked at the weather in days, this is strange. Okay not true - i looked at it for Sunday and the possible MTB but not since then.

Van's making a different new noise, maybe was there all along but wheelbearing masked it? Or they put the wheelbearing in wrong? Or? Oh and the change oil indicator came on, gotta deal with that. And STILL deal with the Volvo.

I know it is Really Rad CX this weekend out on the cape, but a 8:45 start for the 40+ at $41 before Bikereg fees for a 40 min race when I haven't shifted a CX bike since August and have not time or desire to put gears on the bike. I suppose the 2/3/4 race option is there but no gears and same price and I just can't find the joy in signing up and doing it. So I probably won't race there.  Cheshire? Way to far away. Nope, nope nope nope. I guess it is more not race in peak CXy time. Does that mean a trip to NoHo? Maybe. Why not? Better question might be why bother.

The SSCX races are fun enough to draw me out, to get me to sign up, but beyond that I'm not finding the motivation.

Didn't even go MTB'n this weekend. Maybe the bathroom progress over Wed and Thurs will have a ride window and more importantly someone to show me around some trails.

Mostly needed to get the race logic out of my brain.

The Bosstones quote by KF over on IG this morning got me thinking. Can't seem to post a IG comment w/o massively fucking up the words, one of them I couldn't remember what I had intended to swipe after posting and re-reading. And I even found and made a few corrections before posting, but not all the errors.

"Sometimes you have to  be the punch line. Sometimes you get to tell the joke"

The whole lyrics are abs good - someone on twitter was saying Ska for ever!
Well yeah. Duh.  Am I more Ska than Punk? maybe. Mustard Plug and Thigh High Nylons blew my mind when I first heard it on the radio.

Those lyrics tho

Sometimes, sometimes you've got to be the punch line
Well and sometimes, sometimes you get to tell the joke
There's no difference on the end that you end up on
I've got a preference I'll defend right, right over wrong
I won't wait till they say when
Or wait for them to tell me when I can
Why would I wait for them
If I waited for them then
I'd be no different than them
And I'm so certain that I am
Someone, someone will try to be the hammer
And someone, somebody ends up as the nail
Who cares what end you end up on
Hammers break and nails bend
I'll still take right, right over wrong
And that's what I'll defend
That's what I'm defending
I won't wait till they say when
Or wait for them to tell me when I can
Why would I wait for them
If I waited for them then
I'd be no different than them
And I'm so certain that I am
I won't wait till they say when
Or wait for them to tell me when I can
Why would I wait for them
If I waited for them then
I'd be no different than them
And I'm so certain that I am
Sometimes you've got to be the punch line
Sometimes you get to tell the joke

Ah - dig it up if you haven't heard it - what is it about the horns?

Anyway - the line got me thinking about accepting being the punch line, how it hasn't always been easy for me being the punch line, infact impossible. Got thinking about my childhood, got thinking about how my brain is wired. 'Sperg/Spectrum...  i was normal enough to be normal but different enough to be really different. There was a talk at the symposium looking at VLA? exposure and how it caused cerebral disruption by creating too many synapses. Too many connections in the brain and how that is tied to behavior. I saw/thought about it as an asset to be leveraged, but, yeah, there's something else there...  too far and it doesn't work. Too different.

So yeah been in this loop the punch line added to it this morning, but really it is all linked in to what I cannot put into words.

Best sleep, or at least stop writing my brain up into a frenzy.

heddwch
G

On monday:

That happened. A light poke and a whole next level of fun was initiated.

This afternoon I turned it into this:
The wet looking spots are some vinegar spray to knock down the mold on the studs from being wet for, like, ever.

Didn't break any of the tiles on ends. Yes there is actually one small stripe of concrete board. The tiles came off it where it was wettest but not so much over at the far end of the tub. But they came off.

Cleaned up. Found the old original tiles. They were pinkish. There were a few broken bits of them down in the gap in the wall.

Yeah that wall board is not a 4x8 sheet.

Time to let it dry, eval measure tomorrow then supplies and the rest get procured. Hopefully back to a normal bathroom by the end of the week.

We'll see if the downstairs shower (the one that flooded on my birthday) is acceptable or i go with second shower curtain for this.

Didn't really eat much. Then made a big salad for dinner and a few sausages. And some how put a big hole in the middle of my tongue. Okay more of a dagger shaped hole. At least only one cut on my thumb. Not sure what from.

Even wore safety glasses through the whole project.

Did some plastic welding for the kid's art project, probably should have opened a window while doing it instead of after. Oops.

Well i needed something to do productive while the Patriots played some football on the TV.

TIred. trying not to let the back lock up after the day of awkward delicate demolition.

Mentally and physically tired right now.

but i got some shit done...

a good day i suppose...

will be interesting to see if sleep continues to improve...

heddwch
G

of emotional/mental state

didn't make it out on the bike yesterday

plans maybe to try this morning but the rain came in and while i'm fine with riding in the rain and the trails are rocky and sandy enough to shrug off the wheels in the wet the thought of being up and ready at that hour and then clean up after were overwhelming.

I'm digging the book but library loan is due and i can't even focus enough to read more than a chapter at a time.

Finally mostly almost able to sleep under the covers w/o being woken by intense pain as the poison ivy rash warms up. It still flames up when covered and warm but it is more of a warming post shower embro glow, that borderline of heat and pain.

I should be taking the tiles off carefully right now. I should be cleaning up a bit, I should be maybe in the car driving a million miles to a CX race in the rain, even though, yes, I'm still dosed up with a S9 PED. But I'm here. Hanging out on a rainy day with the dogs. Just me and them.

It might be enjoyable if I wasn't overwhelmed with the shit I have to deal with and the feeling of exhaustion.

And some how the two mid-weight jackets I wear all the time have vanished. One I had on last week, saturday, was getting warm, took it off, can't find it anywhere. It is bugging me. Where the fuck did it go. And my Pearl commuting jacket, the 30-50 degree weather one? Also fucking missing. Can't find either. And that's bugging me.

So strange, such a 180 from how I was feeling last week. Body has compensated for the drug, PI is out of the system. But at least maybe I got a bit better sleep last night than before. Steady improvement. Perhaps that will help. Also just getting the tiles off probably is a good thing to get done.

I should have ridden yesterday, even if it was just around the local tiny short trails. But I took the dogs for a walk instead. I watched a stupid movie and made myself some food.

I'm not even feeling like racing next weekend. Really Rad? I dunno that's where one of the Mark's separated his shoulder and I had to drive him to the ER in PVD, and that's the same race legacy that the other Mark did the same thing trying to bunny hop at Plymouth North and did the same thing. And that whole racing with the masters really really early. Or cheshire? too fucking far, don't care if it is a Zanc race I'm not fucking driving there.

Pretty sad sack of shit right now.

But i'll keep on keeping in on. Self preservation mode may be what's driving me to be a lazy oaf right now or something worse. I dunno.

Might go back to reading a little more, make more coffee, then tackle the bathroom wall.

I bought a cute little prybar set yesterday - should be perfect for delicately pulling tiles off the wall, gotta find one of the utility knives for the rest of the delicate demolition. Gotta be not me. I'm the one who usually over-wrecks stuff. I'm good at somethings but it is frustrating that I find certain things I just can't do, which I suppose is a relief. A reminder that even I have limits. Or at least limits that aren't self imposed by a shitty melancholic induced apathetic mood.

Maybe more coffee will help...  probably not

heddwch
G

Running on pretty much no sleep.

got up to put more of the topical stuff on after 30-45 min of sleep only not to be able to fall back asleep for an hour or two dozing but waking back up and then finally ahh warm and drifting off but guess what happens when i get nice and warm and comfy? The rash says 'HEY FUCK YOU I NEED TO BE COLD OR I'LL WAKE YOU UP IN PAIN"

airport run, driving in traffic, no bike, useless but getting stuff done. the easy stuff that i haven't done all week. and picking up after yesterday.

we'll see if i make it past lunch, or even to lunch today w/o just going home.

last nights mood has somewhat intensified with the lack of sleep...  should be a fun day...  or the opposite of fun

was too tired to read but to wired to sleep... 

Amor Fate


i'll work on that... 

at least i can wear shorts today, no long pants irritating the hell out of it.

that's a positive

heddwch
G

Made it through the day. All the build up, it happened, it was pretty successful. People loved the talks, we didn't have a huge audience but we had a good one and they paid attention.

'Casual Lunch' was that, pretty informal. But it worked.

Tour could have been 2x as long but it worked.

Had plans to go to dinner with the corporate 'co-sponsors' but the three of us are packing it up and cleaning up and well...  plans changed and the one that was going to stay in town after headed right back home. The other wasn't going to hang out anyway.

So that was it - kind of a let down. But not really. Just, that, as predictable as it could be, I was caught off guard. Been floating pretty high on this Prednisone and whatever chemical shit storm the Poison Ivy has been causing happen and just being so busy that I haven't been able to slow down. Today was non-stop. I was never moving slower than a near run.

Then it was over.

It was dark.

I rode home.

Felt colder on the ride home at 60°F in the dark than it did at 46°F this morning in the sun.

Made some food. Still hungry, the meeting coffee had WAY more caffeine than my normal stuff. So now I'm in that weird state of being fucking exhausted (yeah not much sleep last night) wired and now kind of depressed.

E heads to DC early tomorrow to guide at the Marine Corps marathon...  and I still have to deal with the busted bathroom and busted car and in the middle of all the crazy today I completely filled the week of Nov 4th. And during the symposium I was saying how nice it was outside while it was so cold in the lecture hall, so nice for being November. Was immediately corrected "Hey Geoff, it is still October."

Right.

I was kind of looking forward to a industry dinner, a chance to talk with people who do what I do, at a nice place on their expense account. But actually pretty happy to just have been able to get home and not be now looking at the time at dinner realizing that I still had to ride home. As nice as it would have been it isn't the part that is causing any issue. It is that void of having just finished something big. It is over. Or something.

I dunno but it is odd having been feeling so good all week, like oddly awesome. Figuring it was the prednisone or something.

I have just barely started tapering. And really have only been taking it since tuesday night.

Listening to the Punch Brother's live at the house of blues right now.

There, embedded.

Man this exhaustion+wired combo SUCKS.

Can't really focus on enough to do much of anything productive (except let my fingers capture the stream of thoughts trying to get out of my head) was riding that steroid high yesterday night - got a TON of shit done. But hit the crossover point where the drugs and systemic poison ivy shit stopped providing an odd excess of energy and the lack of decent sleep has taken over. And that damn 4:30 high test coffee... 

And it really is a systemic case, I am getting poison ivy spots popping up still, no it isn't anything else, yeah most of the stuff is drying out but the skin is super pissed and gonna take a long time to recover, if it can. But hey what's a few extra battle scars anyway.

I guess the realization that there's no CX for a while, maybe next weekend but Cheshire too damn far, racing at super early with the age group race...  gears? no SSCX of course, Falmouth is pretty flat. But still, not sure about that. i dunno. There's always mountain biking. I should probably figure out a ride for Saturday afternoon if I can fit it in before the rains come on Sunday.

I'll stop rambling, but felt like capturing the mood. Maybe I'll try and read a bit.

was gonna try the coffeenueringthing but hasn't been a chance... fuck just rubbed stupid the residue of the super hot long chinese pepper in my left eye... feels kind of invigorating. I think that's a bad sign... 

better sign off before i do something else stupid and then share it...

heddwch
G

(oops this was a draft started yesterday - gonna post unfinished - too much going on add more than Prednisone kicks ASS - esp for pedaling and feeling good)

This time the chain snapped on the way to work. Climbing the one hill. Almost exactly the mid-point of the commute.

3.5 miles from home (plenty of bikes and tools). 3.5 miles from the office (no bikes not tools).
or
just about 2 miles to the bike shop.

I walked/scootered/kicked along the stone curb to the shop.

Grabbed a chain from the pile of ancient too short but brand new cast offs (perfect for Singlespeed).

The PC10 that was on there before exploded at the pin underload going up a hill. Yeah. I nearly wrecked myself as my medial quad hit the stem. A couple extra cuts to go with the poison ivy.

wee

I didn't have a chain tool, wouldn't have helped w/o a 15mm wrench for the axle and a 6mm to adj the rear brake.

Put the chain on there - noticed the rear pads were fucked, put new brake pads on while i was there.

Made it to the meeting 3 min late. But didn't get all the shit i needed to get done before that.

Stealing a few moments between appointments. So if you're keeping score.
Poison Ivy = haven't slept more than 4 hrs in one stretch for a week (the steroids aren't working yet)
Wrecked Shower = bathroom remodel time
Busted bike



That was a great lunch vid. Okay so I haven't really seen any KT video, never ridden there. Guess maybe one of these days I'll have to make the trip.

Sure - i've gottan a few tiny bumps here and there over the years. Usually i'm really good at getting it off.

I haven't slept well in a few days, getting worse.

Got an appointment to see the doc this morning.

Now I have a dose of steroids waiting for me at the Pharmacy. Even the doc said this was a really bad case. She was very happy that I came in now before it went fully systemic and got infected.

Oh and yesterday i was rinsing the technu off of the rash on my leg before heading to work and touched the side of the shower with my toes... and:

Yup that's my shower now.

There's a hole in the wall.

It is soaking wet behind the tile.

Yes the tile was installed directly onto sheetrock. Yes the rock is completely saturated with water and perfectly perforated along the grout lines.

Yes - i wasn't planning on doing a bathroom re-model, but guess I'm going to add this to getting the car ready for inspection. Or actually before that happens.

SO MUCH FUN.

And being gone all morning at the docs has set me way back. And no bike riding today.

Mountain bike weekend after dropping kid off has turned into LETS REMODEL THE BATHROOM WHILE IT IS JUST ME IN THE HOUSE. Sigh...

I did block off three days next week. So it'll be a light week in the microscope lab but heavy on the house and car fixing.

if it isn't one thing it is another.

if i didn't get the PI the shower might have falling apart while a guest was in the house - or while I was covered in soap instead of just standing outside the shower rinsing off shit. Tiles dropped into the wall instead of into the tub so the enamel on the cast iron didn't get wrecked.

Coulda been worse. Still kind of frustrating.

Validating when your doc freaks out at seeing it all, guess taking the time to head there was a good thing. Maybe the steroids will make me all big like Ahhnold.

heddwch
G

Or at least Watch Hill.

James L Scott and I rode past her house (we think) on the 4 hills of the apocalypse ride one year.

I've seen people talking about this concert.

Yes I love the NPR tiny desk concerts.

No I still can't listen to NPR. Yes I grew up listening to it. Not sure when the intolerance began. Perhaps the 40,000 miles a year driving in michigan day after day?



But my 10am was going to be late, didn't think they'd be late enough to allow me to watch the whole thing and start writing about it (maybe they'll be so late I'll get to finish writing as well).

So yeah, this, was, really good. Really really good. Sometimes there's a real gift/talent behind a pop star. Not always.

But the masses will recognize one that rises above the others. They have a staying power that outlasts the promoted or the fake.

No I don't listen to much Tay Tay, but even the heavy production scores are good. I like this version of her stuff better. Unplugged, raw, her.

--

Didn't get to finish writing before they showed up. Now it is time to eat.

No bike racing this weekend, also found out Fruitlands is out so no racing next weekend either. MORE TIME TO MTB!

I eat lunch and my in box blows up.
I wonder if i can ignore everything until November.

Probably could but shouldn't, if I didn't give a shit I might, but I do so I will probably get to it at some point.

Cued up Frank Turner for lunch. Trolling twitter, reading cycling in the south bay.
And cruised some IG - and damn it Frank. I love you and your songs but some of them really hit me hard and make me sad.

Okay there were other tweaks to the mood today after watching T-swizzle's Tiny desk concert.

And damn - I ate lunch, and had a big breakfast AND STILL AM HUNGRY.

Stupid singlespeed. Or awesome singlespeed. Making me work more than that e-bike and working more than I have been in the past. Or as hard as I was but when i was consuming a ton of daily calories in beer. I forget about that factor in the equation when I think about the past and now. It is a significant tweak. But I will have to say I think less and less about the beer, but still am not surprised by the constant suggestion of celebration/relaxation/vacation/somethingation with an alcoholic beverage. Also very pleasantly surprised with how fine I am w/o it. More and more each day. Sure - Bradford Smith joked he's been sober for 37 years. Well I am jealous, wish I had picked that path but if I had picked it well things would have been different. But here I am. And I'm hungry.

Kind of bummed still about missing fruitlands, kind of bummed about the lack of racing opportunities w/o driving hours and hours. Sure G-ride did that, driving down from VT each weekend for years. I'm just not super keen on it at this point. But hey more time to Mountain bike.

okay - better fire this shit off and hit publish and stop day dreaming between words and get to the growing pile of emails. Why do they have to send them all on Friday afternoon?

heddwch
G

The bomb cyclone storm that blasted through yesterday spared us. At least the overnight mess. Knocked power out all over the place but not at home or at work. Bike path was totaly clear too. Okay not totally way more leaves down.



This was too good not to pull in. I wonder if the OJ crowd on twitter will remember the same level of objection i have to non-whole milk.

Even if it isn't really whole milk and it is still separated than then recombined into exactly 3.5% and homoge'd

Jill nails it pretty well. She's someone who never stopped blogging, or adventuring:
"You need to ride bikes to enjoy riding bikes. Otherwise, they feel like mostly unnecessary torture machines. "

65 mile bike commute? Sure - but not everyday. That said he's right. It is usually a headwind both ways. https://pvcycling.wordpress.com/2019/10/17/carmaggeddon-day-21-bike-lawyer/

I got a bit of a cross tailwind this morning that wound up more of a headwind at times. Hoping for a shift before the ride home, not looking forward to singlespeed into the wind.

Would have brought the e-Bike but was worried i'd have to haul it up and over fallen trees. There weren't any and maybe I should have.

the poison ivy is fucking annoying. just when I felt like I was catching up on the sleep boom - itchy annoying bullshit all night. And damn i'm hungry more lately - even making sure i add enough protein at the right times... doing more work but not enough more work on the bike to do more than just make me hungry. Singlespeed i guess is a bit of a calorie hog. And i've been deliberately cutting portions down at dinner and lunch, i might be snacking a little more but not too much.

well i HAD an emergency cliff bar in the desk at work.

Finished the #LTBOOKREAD After the Flood. Sort of like waterworld without the mutants or the floating islands and from a female perspective. Big book about loss and all that. But no desal talk, first rule of ocean survival is to learn how to desalinate when the cistern gets empty and you need water. Solar power works eh?

Time to show off some microscopes.

y'all be good

heddwch
G

It happened I guess.

But by good I guess you could say - okay. But for me I feel pretty happy with the progress and the sensations.

And both days I was actually racing others not just sliding backwards.

And neither day did I get lapped.

Day two I did have a pretty good slide/slowdown on laps 4 and 5 but turned myself inside out to bring lap 6 close to lap 2 and held off Josh.

Esp after no sleep saturday night and waking up at 4:45 to drive L to her Regatta (she won NE champs in the HS double division). The varsity 8 was a mess but they were mid-pack and considering how much of a mess that isn't terrible.

So no sleep, early morning, eating whatever food I could find, then rushing to the venue getting there and getting a lap in before the 1/2/3 race and then one lap in after they finished and then racing...  not so bad.

Saturday's race was a lap short, Sunday's felt a lap long but it balanced out I suppose.

I did lose my headphones at Mansfield. Bummer because I actually use them to talk while driving, don't have another pair, BUT I found some poison ivy, so for the first time in 10+ years I have a nice rash on my forearm (the sensitive inside skin side) and the outside of my calf. The right side must have hit something somewhere and my delayed shower was a really bad idea. Didn't get the oil off in time. Oh - a few spots on the left calf too. WHY and Where and man I'm usually pretty aware of this shit but I guess I fucked up this time. ITCHY AND PAINFUL oh well - and no - not putting anything on it. just dealing with it.

Were the results on either day close to what I'd have liked or feel were at my potential? Nope but I'm still pretty happy with them. Felt like I could race for the first time in a while.

No racing this weekend, def gonna do some MTB riding though so super stoked, no CX = MTB. Yay bikes!

Kind of wish I was headed to DC but not enough to make the trip. Too far.

Hell the CT races are too far. No way I'm doing Belltown or Cheshire. Have to re-eval the calendar. Def thinking about Fruitlands. New course looks good, and yeah even thinking about racing it on the singlepseed. Why? Because the gears will just slow me down. Can't finish any worse than I did last year there.

Dropped off the van at the garage this morning. On the ride home MW suggested it must be a luxurious feeling to be able to do that. And it is true, it does feel rather extravagant having them do the wheel bearing instead of me struggling with the front end on the pavement in front of the house in the open air using whatever tools I have and trying to figure it all out a the same time. All to save a couple hundred dollars. I don't have the time to work on it for another two weeks and it was getting bad. Bad enough that E decided to drive the volvo with the CEL voluntarily yesterday.

I'll work on the volvo at the end of the month, use a day off or two to see if i can get the P0420 to stay off before inspection time.

Kind of bummed about the headphones going AWOL - esp since finally, after waiting since June, NK Jemisin's Hundred Thousand Kingdom was checked out off the hold list... in audio book form. Guess I have to spend some more money sometime. Wish I hadn't lost them (they were in the pocket of the hoody, and well, at some point after getting in the car at home and looking for them after I got home they ceased being where I put them or anywhere in the car/bags of stuff.

Time to go harass the people on the new bridge and then teach a bit, then race back up here and finish the rest of everything.

heddwch
G
Here's the links I found that were good over the last couple days:
https://redkiteprayer.com/2019/10/the-regression/
https://pvcycling.wordpress.com/
https://chasingmailboxes.com/2019/10/15/coffeeneuring-challenge-flashback-data-data-data/
https://allhailtheblackmarket.com/2019/10/stress-kills/

Listening to this now as a change of pace from The Avett Brothers.
(and listening w/ adblock - i'll guess that w/o it there are tons of commercials in there)
But I gotta say High Steppin' always puts me in a good mood.

Fixed the damn freewheel.

Stopped at the shop. Yeah it was getting worse and worse. If I stopped pedaling and coasted at all it wouldn't engage. But I was prepared this time and didn't launch myself.

Cleaned that thing up and OMG WOW HOLYSHIT i guess it has been bad for a while - solid immediate engagement. But yeah maybe it is time for a new one, even the SH-MX30 don't last forever.


That, just watched it. After dinner. chilling a bit - kid is getting cleaned up some rando unwatched season of Survivor is on in another room...  starting to put shit together for tomorrow's CX race. Yeah, I came home Saturday night and haven't. touched. a. damn. thing.

Nothing.

Mentally committed to changing wheelsets for tomorrow. figure i'll do it there, instead of here.

Bonus of not doing anything with it all, it is in one place.

But not clean. Including bottles, and coffee mugs.

Just unpinned the jersey. It passes the smell test.

Anyway back to the rapha thing, I know it isn't really my thing, but Lach's wit and enthusiasm is awesome, and it is good to hear.

And the calendar is set for heading to the MRC race. Double weekend. All the racing for everyone. I better get to bed early tonight. Maybe have some dessert to make sure the fuel is all topped up for tomorrow.

The lack of rain (nope - didn't get wet on the ride home) is a bummer, but maybe they got enough/more over in CT.

Can't decide if i want to dig back into the books and read or just veg a bit.

maybe read in bed

feels a lot later than it is

not sure if  my legs are ready for racing but hey have they ever been?

heddwch
G

Days now with this storm hanging off the coast.

So far I've only gotten wet riding home on Wednesday. I think maybe tonight will be wet. But of course it would be. Why?

last two days I work cycling kit.

plastic clothes.

today?

street clothes.

Also I nearly wrecked myself with the SSCX tank. More commuter than CX bit the big orange beach has twice tried to buck me off.

Full force high torque take off from a start and freewheel pawls say "fuck this have fun"

to say it is disruptive to staying upright on a bike when the chain suddenly goes from FULL HIGH TORQUE tension to ZIPPO KABOOM is an understatement.

I managed to mostly only injure pride - i don't have any of that anyway and to have wound up still upright in the middle of an intersection seemed kind of miraculous. I guess I have reflexes and experience and handling to thank.

This morning it was navigating between students between classes, busy, ooh a gap, lets accelerate and stay out of the way and KABOOM - wound up over in the grass but upright again.

Boat Loads of Shame, day after day (name the band)

I think that fancy dumontech chain lube Matt D asked me to try out must have gotten into the pawls, that lube is garbage IMHO. After a year or so of trying it I don't like it. It does eventually work if you build up enough of it and don't ride too much in the rain. So for an occasional user maybe it is good.

Daily driver? The only lube you should be using is GeWilli Lube. Or EVerLube - since it was Erik V that I got it from.  Anyway. I think I need some work on this thing before I really wreck myself.

Will be interesting to see how much work it is to get the freewheel off (spin on single speed).

Here's a song for ya.



Been on an Avett brother's kick for a bit now. High Steppin' gets into my head and I just let it roll and try and que up the song...

it is good.

maybe i need to start trying to play the guitar to cover Avett brothers and Frank turner stuff? Problem is all the (40) years of violin aka melody makes it REALLY hard to do the chord thing. not impossible, banjo is probably easier for me but oh man good banjo story that I'm still SUPER embarrassed about. I was a mouthy knowitalldick once upon a time. Okay i was that way for a very long time, now kind of after being broken in half and ground down, i've lost most of that edge.

Have you checked out Wandrer yet? https://wandrer.earth/a/earth I'm ranked a whopping 1199th right now.

I don't vary that much when it comes down to it but that's okay. fun to see where ya stack up and it is a different way to look at riding.

Might actually race both days this weekend. Will be up w/in 25 min of the Sunday course, might as well no? Could always day-of reg. The rain isn't making much of a dent in the drought. Will be interesting to see what the course is like tomorrow.

Looks like there is a break in the weather. Time to head home I think.

It isn't 5pm yet. So that would be leaving super early.

this one just came on the playlist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeYSqZPzwr8

also - man am I spoiled with youtube and adblocker

well -

take care of those you can touch,
be kind to those that can hear your voice...

heddwch
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 Got to work, skipped breakfast but did some periodic efforts on the ride in, hungry. Damnit I need a snack. Shit. Must wait to eat lunch. Okay waiting.. This sucks, I'm busy enough to keep busy but not busy enough to be distracting. I wish I'd packed a snack. Guess I'll eat lunch early.

Go to eat lunch early...  what's this in the lunch bag, shit, I DID pack a snack.

Ate lunch, just now finished the snack.

And instead of getting another coffee I made a pot of ancient terrible stale decaf. With a tiny bit of normal coffee in it. Because maybe it is just mental right? Fox said just use decaf. Well here I am. decafing it.

So you got plans for Coffeeneuring? no? DId i spell it worng? uyip[

my fingerst got misreferenced there fuck it i give up maybe leave it all uncorected and see how it sorts out and ifi make delibeate or accidental mistakes.

A mix of each there.

Saw this: https://wandrer.earth/dashboard not sure how many unique roads I hit, lower than normal, esp since most of my riding is on a very unique and remarkable bike path, but repeatedly twice daily and this web page probably isn't going to get me to change habits too much. But hmm, there are variations to getting to and from the bike path on this end. Maybe this is worth it. Also combining with the Coffee thing.

Says it can take days to catch up - guessing with my volume it probably will.

Better today? Perhaps. Got here this morning, tab for Hassell's Garage was still open. Just seeing it gave me a minor anxiety attack. Finally called during a break between stuff and simple, easy. Next week.

Checking it off the list. Moving forward. Feel better? Not really. The relief of checking that box off is heavily mixed with the shame and recognition of how easy it was to do and anger at myself for taking so long to be able to do it. Can't win for trying, can't win for actually doing it. Man I'm a mess.

got the final version of the symposium announcement together and started distributing.

and found a major tweak - too late because I didn't see it yesterday when I looked at it.

ugh

the sunset last night was pretty fucking awesome - IG and Twitter have some good shit.

End of the bike commute and mother nature being kind of perfect. pic.twitter.com/jJuUV37LJd

— GeWilli (@Ge_Willi) October 8, 2019

turn up the sound (may have to click the link - so much for embedding? i dunno how to do this web page thing (file also under why I pay for hosting but then just use Blogger)

Might just do one race this weekend. May go spectate at the kid's event on Sunday.

Tonight is the last night for the 1PVD training race and i'm not going.

well shit - snack not big enough...  but hey being hungry is good, right?

raining - we need the rain, maybe Mansifield will be muddy, maybe i'll actually use the mud tires.

brain jumping all over

should just pull the plug and leave early - leaving has been getting later and later lately. (on both ends, hmm)... 

sometimes i want to put something together here that is good. write something deep, well crafted and well thought out.

ain't gonna be today - ain't gonna be for a while i'm guessing.

no surprise, fortunately web logging is dead and who are you? the ones reading this anyway?

Okay - holy fucking shit - Matt Simpson, yeah yogurt boy just liked that tweet. WHAT THE

this is a disaster... predictably. this being the writing ... also me... oops

keep going right? one foot in front of the other? yup... 

at least i'm editing here - writing and deleting stuff - maybe i shouldn't but writing it and deleting it is safer and better than leaving it up for who knows who to read.

i'll sign off for now
heddwch
G

part of the burnout is the near constant recipient of people's woes, problems, issues, challenges, struggles.

was thinking about this - i'm not good at small social interactions. wanna talk bikes? i can do that, microscopes? yeah that too, other stuff? nope - can't, right now even listening/reading has been full up and turned off. batteries are dead and no chance to recharge the heatsink for all that stuff.

CPU is overclocked and overheating

that's probably the better way to look at it, sure, best way to fix it is to turn it off and let it cool down and the processing stop for a while.

can't do that.

so what happens? can run baseline critical stuff, but bump above that at all and shit gets bad, not terminal there's a decent self protect from totally burning up in flames and that's just the inability to do more.

Riding it this morning was full of to much thinking. Why can't I figure out the motivation to train, to do anything beyond the commute? Has my desire to ride gone away? No. I still really do love the whole cyclocross thing but am I at the point where i just can't/shouldn't? Walk away? move on?

Say good bye?

Just contemplating that hurts. What is the other answer? hire a coach? get a power meter? put on what bike? To be honest I don't have anything worthy of going hard/doing intervals on. I suppose the Blue would work. But PM would have to be something other than crank based. I dunno.

Drifting...  rode in w/o rain gear, in street clothes, in 58 degree weather. Shorts and short sleeves. Missed the rain but dunno what tonight will be like.

Made it as far as opening the page/phone number for the garage. I've got this legit physical/mental block/struggle with the phone. Like, just, can't, call. And so i don't. and here we are.

But one foot infront of the other, keep moving. Maybe I can find a few days soon to turn things off and reset. If i don't do that before the end of the month I'll lose two more days off. But I'd rather take them to reset and not deal with impending life shit like house/car/stuff.

Back at it - this set me back a few minutes, but I guess letting lunch settle for a few minutes before running around some more isn't the worst thing.

heddwch
G

The 10th edition of night weasels at Ski Ward. 

But first this - I posted it other places, saw it on Twitter and well you've probably ready it already, but it is good (if you can suspend the notion of privilege at being able to retire at my age, travel all over the world at the drop of a hat and do cool shit). Perhaps we can't all do this level of cool shit but, the stoke from the Coast to Coast and Freetown 50 are mine and that's where the following statement came from:

this resonates quite a bit... and it is true... and I think i need to do some more Marathon Mt bike riding:

https://cyclingtips.com/2019/10/my-year-of-riding-everything-a-lesson-in-self-discovery-and-fun/

Fast forward to this morning's open tabs.

This caught my eye over at BikePortland:
https://bikeportland.org/2019/10/03/united-bicycle-institute-is-leaving-portland-305608

In june 1990 i drove myself after an all night graduation party to Ashland. I got pulled over on the way there. Had a can of coke on the dashboard, wasn't staying between the lines because I was looking at the map and trying to do math in my head for how much longer of a drive it was going to be. Oregon state trooper was nice and told me some sort of fatherly advice kind of stuff and sent me on my way.

over 29 years after hanging out in Ashland on the top floor of a two floor commercial building with the 'dorm' we stayed in a few doors down from the school I'm still using lots of the knowledge and skills accumulated that session from Ron Sutphin.

One a different tack, https://pvcycling.wordpress.com/
Seth there has been knocking it out of the park for a while.

Very good shit.

I've been posting a bunch of no handed vidoes and stuff on IG stories lately. last night's feed post was this
Yup...

riding no handed - taking a photo no handed even!

MAGIC - yes I used my phone. And yes I is a trick I learned from Todd P. Turn on self timer, hold phone with teeth, click and pose and wait and TA DA magic.

That ties in pretty well with Seth's web log post up there now.

--- so if podcasts are your thing and pedaling and exercise and understanding how shit works is also your thing head over and give the lastest Emperical Cycling episode a listen. They even bring up microscopes. Lots of good primary literature as well as great discussion.

Racing Night Weasels tomorrow. Singlespeed. Hoping for mud. don't think we're gonna get it. We'll see.

Okay - coffee break is over. back to the whirlwind insanity.

heddwch
G

Way back in '14 life changed quite a bit.

Many reasons, many changes. An attempt to reboot and recover. From external and emotional injuries. With the blown bursa and recovery that led me to reform the pedal stroke and invent custom do it yourself insoles came not the power I wanted but the time off the bike set me back too far I suppose, an unrecoverable amount. But then it was also the beginning of the really non-stop drinking, the beginning of what might have been the end if not for the current new new.

More to the point though one of the biggest changes was moving my Dad out of his house in MD where I spent summers growing up in and many mid-year holidays at while in college and beyond. He and my then step mother were pulling up and moving full time to Colorado. To his place out there. He'd used it as a summer home base for the art shows he would go around to with his gords and weaving and art. It is what he did, what kind of defined his post retirement life.

The drive out was well documented, perhaps mostly on other social medias. He was already slowing down and had a slight tremor but was fully functional and in control but not quite his old self.

The town he moved to probably couldn't have been much more remote, and that was absolutely on purpose. It had a community, one he fit in with well. Mountain men, hunters, artists, tough souls right where they want to be. It wasn't a young town. But it definitely was his place. He won the Hollyhock contest year after year with his meticulous cultivation and variety in front of his place.

But that remoteness probably contributed significantly to his more accelerated decline. I only went back out once more before he left. My brothers went out and packed him off to Kingston WA last august (2018). Too far form the high end medical care he needed, the local stuff wasn't equipped for more complicated issues, so much so that his condition was mis-diagnosed and the drugs made it worse.

Once he left suddenly trips to the in-laws were just that. it meant not having to drive an hour + around the beltway, but it also meant not seeing him at the normal holiday times. it meant not going in Saturday to hang out with him at his table at the Alexandria Farmer's Market.

The San Luis valley is amazing. I'm glad I got to go back. I'm glad I endured the taunting of my brothers for taking so many damn pictures. Because I have the photos, not just memories. Photos of specific lines of mountains from a specific place. Sure I remember the drive in, how it looks. But pulling up one of the photos unlocks memories more vividly.

Soak in the beauty around you. Don't take pictures of everything some people say. And yes, perhaps I agree there is something to just being there, the pressure and reliance on just being there in the moment. But don't deny that having a visual cue, a snapshot, no matter how blurry, or crooked is a treasure not to be taken lightly.

The IG shots of the sunset on my bike path, for me when I look at my feed, it takes me immediately back there. I'm not just looking at the picture, I'm recalling everything about taking the photo most of the time. Over time though the memories blend, and perhaps I won't remember that one specifically but the merging and combination of similar memories all together.

When Gregory Alan Isakov's song San Luis pops up on a youtube video playlist, and even now on a Pandora playlist... the views and melody brings me back to the couple times I was in the high mountains of colorado. And the vanagon of course is a childhood icon, road trips upon road trips.



some memories get lost, and only found when you rewatch something like Pure Sweet Hell. And you listen to Mike F utter his perfectly crafted phrases, or Pineapple Bob ramble on drunkenly about DFL... and you're reminded of the good times.

And for the briefest flash, you have to recognize that you got one particular current pro into this crazy sport and that should be a bright spot. And maybe it could be some day. It will be.

I'm not the hero in my own story, I'm not a hero in anyones story. Kent's post about Sven's book, and one of the quotes about novels and why we should read them resonates a bit. Remember life is a journey. Being a guide is pretty selfless. And calling yourself one feels uncomfortable but sometimes taking a set back and recognizing those who've guided you here, and those you've helped along the way isn't the worst thing. To find out much later how big of an impact you had on students, the quiet students who I'd never suspect.

There are daily reminders to be kind, helpful and selfless. In both positive and negative...

I've got to remember what it really hooked me and made Mike's phrases resonate so deeply...

But I also need to make sure I hit the marks that Mayhew talks about. Racing tired is not fun. I mean it is better than not racing but triggers a bunch of bad shit. What does that mean? It means resting. Being fresh. Something I've been struggling with. A. Lot.

I rode hard in this morning. Made my legs hurt, pushed that big heavy slow singlespeed as hard as I could. paused for a bit then pushed it again. Might do something on the way home in the rain but then I might actually not do much else until the race. I did a ton of work on the bike on Sunday, and felt reasonably recovered by yesterday, the effort this morning felt good, not forced, not slow, there were some watts being made. It is a process. I have to remember to hit the marks, i have to be deliberate.

heddwch
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Once you race cross it is hard not to...

Pure Sweet Hell from (((vernor))) on Vimeo.

This is the film.

Have you seen it before? No? Then watch it. Sure it isn't a short little thing, but it is good, the stars and the icons in the film are from the previous era and it was arguably different then, but the essence hasn't changed much, most of the people involved are still involved. The sport has changed. We have Crossresults now. There's official categories now.

But.

It is still cyclocross.

I just wish it wasn't so damn hot.

Weather should be much better for saturday. But single speed CX on the side of a ski hill, yeah could be the best/worst idea ever. Might be wet. Might be time to try the grippy tires.

Been a bit nutty today.

But legs didn't feel terribly this morning. Rode the singlespeed. But I also had a tailwind. Perhaps those are related.

Not sure about tomorrow - perhaps I'll drive and head to the CX training race. Not sure. Perhaps I'll just try and do my own workout. maybe it is time to put the trainer bike back on the trainer, pedals, where am I going to steal pedals from for that...  hmm.

Check out https://chasingmailboxes.com/2019/09/22/coffeeneuring-challenge-starts-october-11-2019/

Maybe that's a good separate not bike race challenge to strive for.

Figures though - i sit down to write and boom all hell breaks loose today. Fun times.

heddwch
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