y'all be weird - and yeah - to be honest i appreciate the dropped references to random shit i post in here - thanks for that that comment today.

Quick content rundown..

buy masks made by Arch https://www.shopbombchel.com/collections/all/products/reversible-african-cloth-masks-for-you like get on it - also click over and get a handful of donation into the basket while you're at it.

views are down - that means i'm driving traffic away!

F'YEAH!

Although it also could just mean people are finally changing habits and not doing the internet surfing thing anymore.

also not such a bad thing.

I keep waffling back and forth from being good to not being good - in general feeling - not in actions, mindset in a way. Suddenly all the bad shit wells up, but then i keep working and next thing I know that wave is gone and it is all good.

Strange mostly, notable only.

Rode the bike to the shop today, got a few built, watched a Zeiss webinar while there. Listened to more of Rosewater.

Rode in on a deserted path. Fucking crowded on the way home. Yes, there are alternatives but cars doing 50 on a tight road, i'll mask up and risk the bike path.

So i was digging through the MF stuff on Bike and saw all the tests, hmm i wonder if they've tested the Stache...  full stache yes but not MF... and then there's this Outside test quote: "It’s a big, brawny, fun-loving bike with speed and agility that belie its stature. It’s not for everyone. But you’d be hard-pressed to find a more entertaining trail bike."

I think maybe I need to upgrade, give this a year maybe, in August see about upgrading the whole bike. Might do the wheels before but - that Full Carbon set up is nice - better bits, lighter. That is something i haven't done well, move on to a new bike. I just kind of hold on to stuff. Usually because there isn't really an option to upgrade right away and then usually hold on to them until there is zero value, and a market as small as the one for bikes my size? But hey maybe this one will be the start. Although Fuck it i should keep it and make it the single speed one and just get the carbon, everyone needs at least two mt bikes right?

At some point tonight I was seriously going to set the bike up on the trainer. Yeah - maybe tomorrow.

gonna read some more MF handshake columns - or just go get horizontal. Kind of a weird long day.

tomorrow is another one

a day that is

weird and long? dunno how it will shake out. but my butt hurts from this chair.

heddwch
G

read this one just now:
https://www.bikemag.com/features/opinion/the-grimy-handshake/grimy-handshake-the-weight-of-progress/

my neck hurts from nodding my head in agreement

and sure - NOW IBIS HAS A HAKKA THAT FITS ME

THE FUCK
https://www.ibiscycles.com/bikes/hakka-mx

and yes - dropper for the 'road' bike for sure.

but yeah - i'll still be out on my 32 pound mid-fat hardtail with the ridiculously heavy wheels and tires.

and i'm gonna have fun - esp since it is all pretty fucking flat out here

in a caller - solicitor i guess - info gathering - fuck it, answered his questions

pushed the grocery store run up to this morning, had to get it done early before a zoom meeting.

wasn't so bad. Joked with the guy at the meat counter, saw a microscope rep who was shopping. no hugs but we chatted as we moved through the store in overlapping patterns. Wound up in line behind him. I did an extra loop back for something.

spend a giant pile of money but feeding 4 people for 2 weeks takes a lot of food. and i was low on some spices and vanilla extract. had to get those.

Shit. damnit. fuck.

forgot the fucking heavy cream - i bought the vanilla to make ice cream. can't make fucking ice cream with out the fucking cream...

oh well.

Shit.

Middle of the meeting i pulled my phone out of my pocket downstairs (trying a new zoom location) and it was stuck on the reboot screen. locked the fuck up.

an hour later of being distracted - well - had to factory reset it. so much for back up because it lost a week and a halves (or more) worth of text messages. oh well - it is back, i'm sure i'll find something i forgot to log into.

while i was at that i worked at getting the garmin to talk to the phone, went through stuff with the support on that - took 25 minutes but at the end of it the old gamin talks to the new phone. then another long meeting and finally put the speed and cadence sensor on the white blue frankenbike and tried it out. had to tweak the position but i think i got it working well enough to do a trainer session...

only thing left to do is actually hook the bike up to the trainer and ride it.

maybe

i read this just now - and ya know - i'm kind of in the middle of the page on stopping for photos...  On the commute? That's different than in the woods. I def don't riding the mtb in the woods looking for photos - i just ride. it is different. sure i'll take a photo if we're stopped and there is a scene or reason to, but generally i'm riding just to ride. I don't session stuff. I'll try the line again differently next time i ride through there.

all that shopping and i am kind of not sure what to make for dinner. opposite problem from yesterday but still the same problem - from nothing in the fridge to a full fridge and still 'what is for dinner?'

I dunno.

but i should start working on cleaning up everyone's lunch dishes that didn't quite make it into the dishwasher (in process of loading)...

heddwch
G

also jus

This film has been out for a while - finally made the rotation in the youtubes

it is beautiful. Probably in large part due to Mike F's delivery.

Chills and memories from Pure Sweet Hell.

I think, maybe a few people get it. Those of us on a similar journey but different.

Mike always had a way with words - first on paper in Bike magazine. That was always the first column i'd read when the stack of magazines were delivered. Fuck the stacking and taking the old covers off and all that - cut open the fucking bundle and open up to the Grimy Handshake.

Years later it was the voice in Pure Sweet Hell. When I first saw that film, I didn't realize the iconic delivery of my favorite line was Ferrentino.

This film caught me by surprise - here was that same voice. Talking about mountain biking...

sure he's never left it - started writing once i started working in the shop in Michigan.

I think if you lined Greve, me and Mike up, it might be hard to tell we're not related, other than me being the only one with hair on the top of my head and not wearing glasses.

kinship is not visual similarity tho.

you get where I'm going Chip?

This damn film has me grinning - there's twinges of kind of what if - and what about - and some jealousy, but hey life, it happens.

I've rediscovered the dirt.

To be honest, not racing is probably one of the better things that could have happened.

I got one race in, destroyed a wheel, finished. Had an illusion or reality of passable success before mechanical, and then left untested.

A chance to just ride. To improve at a more leisured pace. Maybe to get some lighter better wheels soon, maybe to go single speed or maybe just work on riding.

I have a nerve pinching/twinge in the shoulder neck junction, angle of sitting today i think, slightly off center i'm a bit wired but feeling good. I like this.

This film really nailed it for me. So much so that I had to elaborate... in GeWilli fashion...  poorly.

heddwch
G

"You've been TALKING ALL DAY"

Yup.

And then I went to mail the deposit and contract for the new fence and spent another 20 minutes talking. At least this was in the car but i still felt like i was talking but acting like there was a camera on me.
Whoops.

Take a minute if you want, catch a short concert by my parents. It'll be up on Youtube eventually but for now it is only on FB. No east coast tour this year, 5 weeks of touring and revenue gone, and that 5 weeks of concert revenue is 3-4 months of salary. Tough times. But pushing folks into the new modalities and reality of the new era perhaps.

I don't think we're going back to the old ways anytime soon.

It is certainly a fucking Wild World out there right now.

Managed to get out for a MTB ride, not solo, but with two guys I work with at the shop, we're all pretty freaking solitary people and mask up anytime anyone else is in the store and no one is allowed in w/o a mask and there's never more than one in at a time. Finally rode at Village park, was fun, pretty simple, a couple drops, one that looks kind of crazy, but everything else was pretty straight forward. A little mud in a few spots. Funny thing is it is only about 5 minutes closer than Big River, maybe 8, def less than 10. And there are a lot more trails in BR and more trails/user. Lots of walkers and other riders in VP.

Weird fucking rocks.

Weather sucks tho.

Spent time yesterday while it was raining sorting through the bike stuff. Started a box for just cables and housing, another one for parts that weren't in drawers and another one for tools. Tossed a bunch of stuff. Found the speed and cadence sensor from the Garmin that the screen and buttons died on that precipitated the loaner. And well guess what. It means that I can use the White blue Frankenbike w/o excuse or missing miles on the garmin. Hell I could even probably program some sort of workout and just follow the beeping prompts. I mean i put the bike together last week - have ridden it, once? all for the purpose of getting on the trainer. Weather this bad, heck i'd be commuting but just going for a ride in this cold wet bullshit isn't fun. How long will it take for me to get the trainer set up?

Guess we'll see. Should take bets on it, proceeds go towards Magical Strings, or my new fence, fuck it - i'm still working - forget about me.

Was funny, my mom and stepdad were actually incredibly nervous about getting up there in front of everyone live on the internet. These are people who've been playing on stage together for 41 years, and a little live facebook concert gave them the jitters. Me, mr hide from a car driving down the street, duck behind a post to avoid seeing someone i might know on the street, has no problem being live on stage, on the internet, in front of a group, whatever. I suppose I was forced to reconcile this at a pretty damn early age, performing is just whatever. Teaching, sales, support, Zoom, nerves don't seem to factor too much into it.

Probably part of that whole brain wiring.

Me being all fucking weird and different.

Damn - it is late. Well late to start dinner. Did a minor shopping run on Saturday night. Picked up cheese and thirty pounds of flour. Was going to do the big shopping trip tomorrow morning but meetings all popped up. Hoping to make it one more day before venturing back to the big shopping store and stocking back up again.

Beans and rice and chicken last night, might make chili tonight, it is that or make some breakfast for dinner but then we'll be totally out of eggs, again. If I can't get enough of a few things I'll have to go back to once a week trips. Will see what kind of limitations are in place at the store. I think they might be just written and not register limited. Might test the waters a bit on that if it comes to it.

Hope y'all are staying safe, it is still pretty fucking scary out there. A wild world eh?

heddwch
G

that number might mean something to some people -

not many - probably a bike shop person..

boom

brain is kind of full of the stuff now

i'm sure tomorrow will purge most of it ugh

interesting day

another one on the bike - this is kind of the anti-last week

tomorrow doesn't look good but maybe it is good for a trainer shake down attempt, dig out the old worn bib shorts, see how a flat bar works on a trainer

we'll see if i have the energy for that tho

took a tiny nap today - almost slept through class, that would have been bad...

cold out there - windy

this is April?

Strange shit man... strange...

i got no new content - i'm module and quizzed out -

fridge is dangerously empty too - not sure about this being able to go 2 weeks bullshit, i'll need to stock up on different stuff, some of the stuff I got last big trip haven't been touched, even though specifically requested.  Oh well - pantry will be fucking PERFECTLY STOCKED - in another couple trips... maybe...  still adjusting to the new plan...

stay well

be careful

be kind

heddwch
G

listening to Bon Iver after dinner doing work has been the best idea i've had in a while

but it fits my mood, enjoying it even if it isn't making anything better and probably just making it worse

but damn this shit is beautiful

https://gravel.shimano.com/en-us/explore/unknown-country
Give it a watch, it hits both these boxes for me perfectly:
✅Inspirational
✅Motivational

Youtube direct link

or just hit play below and go full screen and tag alone for the ride.

There's a lot to unpack here.

But maybe best left all unsaid.

I miss that big goal that was the Michigan Coast to Coast ride for last year...  Holding out hope for 24HOGG, but not much to be honest. So little hope that it is tough to motivate to do the work, esp since, as I recently mentioned, a big part of that work was racing mountain bikes.

I got the goofy frankenbike together, sure it isn't THAT goofy, but the position is strange, so upright. Calling it my old man bike maybe. Had a bitching tailwind heading to the shop this morning, felt great. Heading home, it was raining and the wind had picked up even more, it was a wet slog and a struggle. But gears, and all were nice. Fenders would have been better. But hey you don't need fenders on a bike getting put in a trainer.

The rain hasn't really let up.

At least the wind isn't too bad right now, hopefully haven't spoken too soon and this next front doesn't pack any strong winds.

We're gonna jump into pouring a shit ton of money into a fence. A fucking fence. Why? because we have one and this crazy postage stamp parcel we're slowly paying for kind of needs one, esp for the dogs. But it is what it is and if we don't do something, well, it is gonna start looking uglier and uglier from this side.

How temporal was the inspiration and motivation from the Unknown Country?

Refocus G, refocus...

it is all getting to me maybe...

I'm still bothered by the rainman thing, constantly using it to measure my response to everything, an awareness that isn't productive or helpful... 

spinning around, kind of feel like i'm hanging on the end of a rope, and spinning. spreading out slows it down but there is this overwhelming inertia and nothing to lean into, energy and space and nothing but the rope...  "Let go of the rope" more terrifying than not having anything to lean into. And then what direction will I go flying if I do, it is dark, can't see a thing...

gonna keep holding on, work with what is here...

and now i have to figure out what to make for dinner...

heddwch
G

Cup of coffee - and this:
so.
fucking.
good.

Sun is shining - reggae is hot, Cudi's pursuit of Happiness is a suit to put on and tackle the day.

Birds are singing and zoom's around the corner. Another cup of coffee, new pot, fill thermos and head out on Frankenbike.

Was wicked wired all night trying to sleep, kept waking up, or feeling like i was waking up, maybe i was just dreaming actively or something.

stay well - amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

And that changed everything.

Even though it was just a quick trip into work to upload data off one of the microscopes.

It felt great.

Had a couple solid Zoom meetings.

And kid was making some pot-stickers (they made the wrappers and the stuffing and all from scratch HOLY SHIT SO GOOD).

I got done with everything and thought, fuck it. Lets do this.

Do what?

FRANKENBIKE CHALLENGE

So I had the white blue set up with some stuff off of a Trek Pilot that was gonna be tossed, it just had surface rust. I had put the drivetrain (well chain and rear wheel and cassette) on the White Blue, and put the bars on it too. Hooked it up, left the brakes alone and just made it work. Rode it a few times. Then someone I knew was looking for a super inexpensive road bike to try and well, it fit them and so the stuff came off the white blue and they have a working bike.

Now it was the trainer, now no trainer bike. And what is everyone doing now? Riding the trainer. No I don't have zwift, we've been over that. But fuck it - i can start doing some Death Magnetic intervals or whatever.

Had to dig really wanted to use the XC Pro thumbshifters I have (but couldn't find them). Did find my Deore thumbs from my '89 Raleigh Chill MTB. My first mountain bike. Bonus? They had Gore cables on the rear that worked perfectly, i think maybe i already had it on this bike with a flat bar - or some bike, whatever bike that was.

Had this Kore bar and stem and some XT v-brake levers that i've been thinking about putting on the White blue, and well, after a bike ride, and someone else making dinner? Motivated.

Made it happen.

Dug out an old chain and cassette, hopefully matched. I should re-up the drivetrain for the Crockett when I go back to gears on that bike anyway. It already had the XC Pro cold forged pre-microdrive crankset on there (180s), and the rear der and the XTR V-brakes.

I didn't have a rear brake cable for the flat bar levers, turns out a Road brake cable works.  Kind of.

The rear wheel is the sketchiest part. Hopefully it holds up. And the tires. Oof. Somehow there was a worn but not dead set of 23s hanging up. Not sure where they are from. Durano Plus. narrow rear rim. Couldn't get them on with a 35-44 tube. Took the 18 tube out of the back of the Black blue (it has 28s on a wide rim) and put the 35-44 tube in there and the 18 into this. Yes, i fought it for 30 min. Managed to stuff the same tube in the front, but it was a mm or two wider. Rims, they make a difference.

Really need a better wheel. Probably could just get a new chain and cassette and use a pair of LX rapidfire 9sp shifters I have but fuck it - friction is close enough for this kind of work.

So, build up and ready to go. Where? I dunno. But maybe head in to the shop tomorrow - catch up on a few things with an open morning schedule, fix the rear brake, hopefully make it there and back on this bike before the rains and maybe get it on the trainer this week.

Totally forgot to watch that movie thing that debuted today (go over to velocb's blog to catch the link).

Pedals are what I had laying around, not sure where they came from, but they work with SPDs.

Looking for a skinny tube (found one - with a hole in it - threw it away - after taking the valve core out) I did find the trailer hitch and my M535s so maybe i'll swap out the pedals.

Kind of tired - holy shit it is late to be still kind of totally up and sort of functional.

Oops.

Gonna have to wash my hands one more time, the rear tire on the Black Blue was DIRTY. Fucking rim brakes.

From the collapsed rubble we will rebuild even better this time.

or something

looking forward to keeping the momentum up for a bit here.
I guess fleet week picks up again tomorrow.

heddwch
G

Oh - you want a photo?

drinking coffee, tired from everything, it is a gorgeous day, cool start, and I think i should go ride.

think part, odd, i think i want to but i'm just sitting here, motivation. last week there was that strava route to follow.

I guess I could try it again and see if I can do it faster...  not enticing. I could go and see if I can put my own route together and maybe not get too lost.

getting in the car and going for a ride just doesn't seem all that appealing tbh

and we had a ton of rain and snow over the last week, esp friday night and saturday.

but i sit

it is pretty well documented that I do best with some extrinsic motivation, some goals, some accountability, someone to ride with... lots of reasons why i put it all together in '13.

I'm sure if i was on zwift i'd be able to get addicted to that shit, i'm not.

local little trails don't drain all that well. I guess I could head out on the road. but why, to what aim.

certainly would be easier to get out if quarantined with a fellow cyclist, but nope, not this house.

maybe i should just work on a project or two... 

finished Dog Stars yesterday.

written a lot like this

good, interesting, dramatic, sad, with a happy ending. life ain't like that shit.

not sure what to do...  last year's Mi Coast to Coast goal was hugely motivating. 24 HOGG should be too but isn't so much yet because of the doubt and the plan to prepare for that was to race the Marathon EFTA series or at least race a few of them and a bunch of other races. I guess maybe I can say I had a big ride last sunday, spent this week off mostly, maybe today as well and go into next week after a lull and rebuild. Maybe work on setting up the trainer. Maybe that's what needs to happen today. At least make it possible to ride the trainer. If I can't zwift maybe I can at least I can start in on a few workouts beyond just the required commutes.

But first

more coffee

heddwch
G

I still kind of don't eat breakfast unless I'm going for a long ride before lunch.

Drink coffee, slowly wake up, get shit done. Eventually eat food.

Steve posted his skillet cakes and well that got me thinking and down the links to see if i had one up.

I have a handful up, current evolution? Nope.

Basic principles from here still apply, aka instructions and order and all that.

Quantities have changed.

Today's batch:
6 medium eggs
mix
1.5 cup whole milk (more later to get batter to correct consistency)
1 cup whole plain biodynamic yogurt
1/3 cup flaxseed meal
2 tsp salt
2 tsp vanilla extract
mix
1 cup rolled oats
mix (to get them started soaking up the stuff)

1.5 cups whole wheat flour
1.5 cups AP flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
2 tbsp cinnamon
mix well - adjust with milk if too thick
let stand while melting
6-7 tbsp butter (unsalted w/o natural flavor added)

mix melted butter in - adjust thickness of batter again with milk if needed

Add 1 cup chocolate chips (add after hot melted butter is mixed in)

cook em up.

--

Skillet cakes often are made with left over batter.

I'll take maybe 2 cups of that batter, add some muesli, frozen blueberries - a bit more milk then cook it up in a 12" omelet pan all at once. 

if making skillet cakes up just as a single batch - 1-2 eggs, lately 2 medium ones, then milk and yogurt or just milk - some flaxseed meal and then whatever else a little this, a little that, nuts, seeds, frozen fruit, choco chips, muesli, whatever seems to make sense. Toss it in the pan, cook while getting bike stuff together, cut into quarters, bag uneaten sections to stuff in jersey pocket for the ride.

There are rules but that's kind of the thing, years and years of following the rules, understanding, paying attention to what it looks like, knowing what is critical, how if you deviate a bit in one direction it will impact the end result.

Also, don't start writing up the recipe while cooking pancakes, you're likely to over cook a few like i have this morning.

I was going to ride today - but it is raining, cold there is snow on the ground, and i don't want to work in the basement wearing wet clothes. And I don't feel so bad about that right now.

catch ya later,
heddwch
G

Losing count of the days. Not sure how long it has been since i've ridden my bike.

life continues though, busy as fucking ever.

there seem to be very few people who are plugging along perfectly right now.

two camps as Dave said to me the other day, everyone is either way busier than normal and overwhelmed or completely bored.

I'm def all about the first.

Life is insane, no?

I'm sitting here, wondering, what did I spend all day doing?

Why am I drawing a blank?

Oh.

Right.

Non-stop.

my wife had a problem with that today - i had every reminder it was tuesday, all day.

last night i read this

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-features/john-prine-last-days-beautiful-life-tribute-family-friends-bonnie-raitt-981646/

deep, touching, really good

This morning, restless night but slept in a bit, felt good, woke up much better off than yesterday.

Watched a PhD defense on Zoom drinking coffee then tackled the fence. That fucker is HEAVY. Got the tall strong crew kid to help. Needed it. Got the flattened section upright and braced. Eventually. Will probably hold until we get another storm like yesterday's then def flatten all over again.

Took a bit longer than expected. Had to scramble for better bracing posts. It let go at least once, I think in total we lifted it up 3 times. It feels like we have a super tiny lot. But there's like 180' of fence. One rough quote was mind boggling. Have two people coming out on Friday to do an exact full estimate. I really hope they come way under the over the phone one.

Then I went out and spent more on groceries in one day that I have maybe ever. It was a lot of cash. Oof. But less than I've heard people spend and there are 4 of us and I bought some more expensive staples that we were out of and bought more of them than I usually would. I did forget a few things, I wore gloves only because I didn't want to decontaminate the car. It worked. Mask worked, well it stayed on my face.

the one way things on the aisles were mostly working, but not really.

Took longer to wait in line because again i got stuck with the woman who had to unload one item at a time and had a really full cart and what turned out to be three different orders in one carriage. Better than the woman in the other line that had two full carriages of bags when she was done.

Got home, the kids had done a little bit of cleanup in the backyard, might as well try and get started after ignoring it for a while. Need to re-organize it a bit, clean up a bunch of stuff too. 

After a deep dive into the city's waste and pick up plan it looks like no more curbside yard waste pick up is happening. But can drop it off at the city composting center between 8 and 2. Add that to the list. Van has just become a trash/compost hauler. Curbside pick up used to include bulky items. No more, But can drop it all off at the DPW lot in the designated area. Hauling shit time eh!

Bike riding? HAHAHAHA was gonna do that today,  get the trainer out.

BUT between this morning's physical stuff - the stress and fun shopping - followed by some intense raking and moving shit in the back yard, i'm totally gassed and flattened.

Kids are making dinner.

I'm trying to gather some strength.

Work through a few things, plan a few others and get a few words out of my head.

Maybe  this is the last of the web logs, of the old kind, the original style.

Gotta make it all work I guess.

the words - being different and all the mountain of crap to deal with.

heddwch
G

So, class happened, only forgot one thing to do before hand, have 24 hours to get that and some other stuff done.

But the storm moved in and walloped us. Literally. Fence is flattened. A couple? years ago now I went through and braced it after a hurricane or something like this. Well fuck it all if one section just didn't totally flatten. Gonna see if i can get it upright tomorrow enough to keep the dogs from wandering into the other yard. Will look for quotes on fencing I guess tomorrow.

Feeling physically a little better though so that's nice.

Tired as all fuck still. I did manage to brace one section a bit more in the middle of the storm so i don't have to fix that one too.

made delicious food for dinner...  tomorrow's old plan has been scrapped - new plan starts...

when I wake up... gonna be a fun day, oh -bonus: shopping - need to replenish the perishables, we'll see what a week has done to supply.

I mean i could have been feeling like shit because i was in caloric/macronutrient debt from the long ass MTB ride...  and eating a ton of food today helped.

the dinner was a wee bit salty, need to get some water in me before my eyes dry shut and I really can't see anything.

at the bottom of the list tomorrow is to drag out the trainer. Need to start doing something more regular like w/o the commute.

good luck in your trench whatever form it might take, lets get through this and ride bikes together when it is over.

heddwch
G

rolls around

along with it is a bitching storm. rain. winds.

and me feeling like absolute shit.

tired, again sleep was rough - probably too much coffee, proximity, availability and exhaustion contribute to elevated consumption and well guess what - this circle sucks.

Add a long slow bike ride to the mix yesterday, and being woken up by one fucked up dream/nightmare at 4am and then being unable to sleep after and then fucking headache started up nice and early.

I hope the fence holds up with these gusts.

lecture actually looks good looking at the slides, i wish we'd had a week on the scopes so it would all fit together, but as each monday rolls around it is one week closer to the end. Super happy not to have to worry about teaching in the fall, at this point I'd just cancel the course if I was. Maybe we'll be back to normal by January as far as classes go. My guess is that research will be back sooner.

But who knows. E made a comment that most colleges are losing money on tuition and only making ends meet with room and board, they are basically running fancy resorts for kids between high school and jobs.  Kind of true, another person mentioned the issues high ed is having are nothing new, it is all held together with paper clips and bubble gum and the pandemic is just accelerating the changes.

me and the dog - both of us stretched out - she's sleeping, i wish i was.

the ride yesterday was good, followed the GPS on the garmin, wasn't easy but as long as I was going slow it worked. Could I do the route faster having a better idea of where I was going? probably. Could I do it Syl fast? no. Lots of reasons, but it doesn't matter. I had fun, i go my speed. i ride my bike, it isn't a $7+k 22 pound XC machine...   but it fits and i like it. Rode a section cleanly that i only had once before, that was good. I only got turned around a little bit. But my brain wasn't quiet. riding at my pace meant i was chilling, not going fast enough to shut down the ah lets think for a bit.

hopefully the power stays on for lecture, there are warnings about it right now, esp since it is just going to get worse and worse... 

really want something positive to spin, to latch on to, to lever myself out of this malaise.

maybe that most of the people i know haven't gotten sick? or if they have the are asymptomatic?

that's pretty awesome, but the whole time i'm thinking "that can't last" i mean i hope it does but optimism isn't generally my thing

guess i should just take a shower, get out of my robe, eat some lunch and get back to working on class stuff. do what i do, just keep moving

heddwch
G

a great interval, which is what i'm going to be doing to get ready to leave the house by 8am.

chuch

dirt church

this time i have a route loaded in the garmin (i think)

house is quiet

weird ass dreams last night

and realizing i've been actually pretty bothered by the realization and all that with the Rainman thing. My hyper focus, intolerance of repetitive noises (chewing), the absolute lack of social understanding and small talk and interaction. It takes a ridiculous amount of mental focus to mimic normal people interacting.

s'why i like bikes, probably why i like and find peace assembling the new ones

explains the dichotomy

everyone's been nice enough, guess i'm functional enough, but it oddly has been bugging me, a funk,

need something to turn me around, need that study pole at the apex of the turn to grab on and slingshot me around...  but it is dark, can't see the course, no idea if i reach out and grab something if it will swing me around a turn or take me out flat into the fencing.


so i'm going to go ride my bike

it is not warm this morning but it is above freezing...

i'm going to go surf some dirt, on the waves that are slowing becoming familiar, i know the break, but i haven't figured out the pattern yet, the individual waves are familiar but the pattern, linking it all together, can't get lost but knowing how it connects gives you more autonomy. I don't need or really want the autonomy, but the pandemic dictates that you must be alone, and so I go.

maybe actually starting to feel alone...

isolated

the little canadian mayflowers are starting to poke up through the leaves, it is a great time of year to be in the woods

and shit - down to 12 minutes

amor fati motherfuckers
heddwch
G

Pulled these up, many times singing along with the lyrics at the top of my lungs, never really stopping to pull out the full meaning... or one of the meanings:

Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
Five hundred years like Gelignite
Have blown us all to hell
What savior rests while on his cross we die
While forgotten freedom burns
Has the Shepard led his lambs astray
To the bigot and the gun
Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
'Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess
Singin' drunken lullabies
I watch and stare as Rosin's eyes
Turn a darker shade of red
And the bullet with this sniper lie
In their bloody gutless cell
Must we starve on crumbs from long ago
Through bars these men made steel
Is it a great or little thing we fought
Knelt the conscience blessed to kill
Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
'Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess…

I think this is our destiny, finding ourselves in the same old mess.

F'n Stevil called me Rainman this morning. I laughed then was kind of hit with the, holy fuck he's right. Followed by the fuck, it is early in Cali...  shit. Except man I wish i could actually remember shit and count cards and that kind of stuff. My synapses in the brain are definitely firing way higher than normal, and that's good for somethings, but mostly it tips over into dysfunction more than hyper function. Esp growing up.

Drinking kind of knocked it down a bit - made me normal, drunk synapses DGAF, but, somehow they didn't stay fucked up when i stopped, they all mostly figured out how to work again and left me back in the pre-drinking awkward phase of shit and without the decades of having to figure shit out w/o the aid of chemicals. It makes sense, too much fucking sense. Not enough sense to start drinking. Watching people talk more about being a day drinker, alcohol sales in the last month have doubled adding facts to the claims.

but rainman...  Stevil had the story up on the IG with the tiny clown and a screw.. he put up there "wanna screw" and my stupid brain instantly transported me to 10th grade geometry class, sitting in the desk in front of Christine, fiddling with the desk before class started there was a loose screw, i removed it and turned around and naively offered it to her saying "Wanna screw?" She turned bright red, and i was bewildered for a bit...

Had a really strange dream. Of course I was falling down tired at 6pm, then we watched 'Making the Cut' as a family and i was wide awake until 11pm. And right on cue I was up at 6am.  Tried to fall back asleep, after a dozen times of trying I got up just after 7. Have managed to waste a good hour or so drinking coffee and internetting and mostly being completely unproductive other than getting the proper morning coffee dose up in and showing my true colors and unintentionally harassing people on the internets.

Best get my shit together and go get the rest of the sold bikes built and start working ahead a bit. Shop's are closed but still selling bikes, by appointment and online.

But the basement alone is a good place for Rainman.

hopefully i can get there before the path gets a bit crowded.

Oops - hopefully I can remember to post this before leaving it as a draft all day.

heddwch
G

I kind of alluded to it yesterday.

Leave it to John Prine to have the words. "Stay Vulnerable"

Was woken up at 4am, took a while to fall back asleep. Haven't been setting an alarm because I've been waking up so early.

Finally woke up with the opening salvo of a caffeine withdrawal headache and the clock saying 8:50.

So much for getting up early, getting into the lab and locking the scope down, shutting the air off on that air table and getting over to the shop to build the bikes. I'm still doing all that but time has been tweaked by a few hours.

And that just has to be okay. Plans are adjustable. Life is flexible. I'm not happy with myself for missing this but I'm mostly feeling bad that I said i'd be in early and I'm just now finishing up at the lab.

And reading a Times article.

And posting about it.

it is windy as hell out there right now. A solid West North West wind. Meaning roaring headwind on the approach to that TT segment after a headwind all the way there.

At least the bike path was pretty much mostly empty on the way here.

Maybe more later, we'll see how it shakes out...

hewddwch
G

Long before I ever heard John Prine I had Gordon Bok's songs all memorized.

And there was one LP I would put on repeat and repeat - Captain Hawkins Choice. The line drawing art on the jacket, and the songs would captivate me. Ultimately became part of me.

A lot of the songs are about the sea, and yes the sailing and the water was me growing up, I've talked about it all in the past.

One song that always gets me, always brings me to tears is The Golden Vanity... there was actually a scratch in the record that jumped a touch, and was on the tape i recorded from it. 9 holes all at once were compressed together. I also always thought Gordon was saying Manatee...  And digging into this a bit more that sensitive empathetic side comes out in how he tweaked the words. Instead of the cabin boy sinking his own ship after the captain refused to take him up as per the original, he bowed his head and sank down himself rather than kill his fellow sailors.

I guess it says a bit about me - eh?

--

Stepped away from the computer, got really tired. Suddenly, being on here sitting here talking here, interacting here, grading here, planning here, in this chair, non-stop all day, took a bit more out of me than expected. And my butt is sore. This location isn't great either.

It is 7pm and I am ready for more coffee.

And a bike ride but no way i'm heading out now.

I accidentally made tomorrow more complicated than I had planned, we'll see how it works though. On the good side i'll be on the bike, which bike? probably the cranky slow singlespeed surly. Maybe even re-tension the chain, although I think i need to look at the chainring - might be a bit worn.

thoughts were organized - the song, turning towards the morning, the cycle of life, seasons, bloom and fade - then i faded

things are crazy - everyone is dealing with life differently now, some struggle more than others. And many are lucky, they are still working, still pulling in a paycheck, life still goes on, just differently. It doesn't mean those lucky ones aren't having a difficult time and it doesn't mean that they aren't aware of how much everyone else is struggling. You can compare, but don't project your comparison, or voice it or say how lucky someone is, they may be borderline depressed and that is going to make it worse.

What we can do, is keep doing. Focus on what we can control. do as much as can be done for those around you even if it isn't much - do what you can do. Survive, get through. Call, write the politician folks, work the grassroots side of things, whatever it takes to steer this country back away from Fascism. Forget socialism, i'd take a normal functioning capitalistic democracy/republic over this current nightmare.

I'm trying. But i'm caught in the i'm exhausted loop with way too much to do and so I'm still, like always, just getting what has to be done done in the last minute. Wishing i could tick away at the list of shit. Like maybe get the desk set up, or get the trainer out, clean up a space or two that need it.

Tomorrow is crazy but I hope maybe will help reset a little, find a bit more balance, try to repeat Saturday, go get lost in Big River again on Sunday and then get ready for next week.

Fleet week is on hold - I really don't think I want to make an attempt at the Strava TT, as much as a 50+ mile ride sounds great right now, it also sounds kind of like a really dumb idea, at least heading out in that direction.

Every once in a while i'll catch a headline that is crushingly sad and terrifying. I don't like it. But life goes on and life can be terrible.

And the sun will come up, turn toward the morning, get through this, the darkness is falling as the flowers are blooming and the summer unfolds, hold strong, we're tough, tenacious, we won't lose our compassion or our empathy...

this won't break us and we'll make it through...

amor fati motherfuckers
heddwch
G

Sad morning.

Just before falling asleep I head the news that John Prine passed away. When word came out last week that he was moved to the ICU due to Covid-19, well I feared the worst, was heartbreaking to find out. Then it was reported that he had stabilized and I had hope, he fought and beat cancer, he can fight this, he can make it and write us all some more songs.

Now he's having a Vodka and Ginger ale and smoking a cigarette 9 miles long.

The afterlife is nothing more than a placating fiction that we make up to stave of the fear and anxiety of the end. More to comfort those of us left behind i think.



I don't really know him, I know his songs, and I listen to his stuff quite a bit to be honest, sing along with him, admire the mind that can keep all those words straight and in order and repeat them, to write them. To tell the stories he does on stage.

His projected humility...

The Colbert piece that was posted last week, an unreleased duet, it brought me to tears then, haven't tried to listen to it till now.
That's the way the world goes round, up one day down the next...

It is raining, and at least it isn't snowing, but i still think of this song... back on youtube for a little bit - no actual video performance but the performance is still there:

Life goes on, i'll take the rain today...

heddwch
G

Leave it to the US to finally start wearing masks but not bother to use them properly.

To not make sure that they at least are filtering something, not just catching large droplets leaving your mouth. And sure that's something but fluid dynamics will show that aerosols will escape with the air - through the large openings in the sides of your poorly worn mask.

If you were breathing through it properly, then pull it down by the front, guess what, that shit is all over your hands.

Once you start using it, home-made or not, you have to assume the exterior is contaminated.

If you touch it you'll saturate that part of the mask and allow the stuff to move through and past the filtering fabric/material to the clean side potentially (low probability but is this something you want to play with).

pulling the mask down and then back up - don't do that. Leave it on or take it off, don't put it on and off.

It was good though the trip to the store. A line outside. Still crowded inside, but mask, gloves, and waiting for people to clear the space worked. Got a shit ton of stuff, double the normal of somethings to hold off needing to go back again any time soon. Probably missing a few things, hopefully won't need to return and can make due.

The shelves were close to being back to stocked normally. There was flour, plenty of eggs, even toilet paper.

It was a gorgeous day and I spent it driving around, working or working and looking outside. And then it was time to cook dinner.

Tomorrow I have to go to work, actually go in, i'm excited. AND it might be raining so maybe the path will be clear! THAT IS EVEN MORE EXCITING.

Gotta remember the list of shit i need to do, i keep forgetting one or two little things, like bring home one of the really long ethernet cables so i can work somewhere other than where I am. Still haven't made that damn desk for the basement, not sure i can get the cable all the way down there anyway.

i just wanted to get the mask thing out there - out of my head - do it here instead of twitter - best not to push a button and have it blow up and cause me to over-react. I'm actually treading a thin line at the moment with one comment i added.

whatever - there's a happy hour zoom riding the trainer drinking thing happening right now, even if my bike was on the trainer i'm not sure i want to join a bunch of folks and be the sober one... it is one thing being the sober one with old friends, nothing changes, but the social anxiety is too much for new people. And, my bike isn't on the trainer, no space to ride it or place to put the laptop and pedal, logistics. all with a solution. and me with no motivation and a solid anti-social disincentive.

And to think i'm feeling lonely and missing something - not sure what exactly.

But tomorrow is a new day - i'm tired - managed to keep coffee intake light - but now i'm tired. What I'm finding is on light days i have to get up earlier to get more in there or the headaches threaten, and then sometimes i'll add a later cup and then be awake. pendulum swinging back and forth, at least it is moving instead of being stuck in the static high coffee intake zone.

wish i'd ridden today. but there's always tomorrow.

we hope.

be well

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

So I took a bit of a youtube trip tonight. That CX Hairs 1.1 thing was only mildly traumatizing, and I'm only barely over a week into non-stop zooming.

And it is true - if you password protect your zoom, the password is in the link. Super secure folks.

So yeah - i didn't copy the link to that CX hairs... but at least it was short.

I did wind up watching this afterwards.

Ya know I am a huge fan of Lac and Alex and the whole Gone Racing program. So cool to see these guys get it. And to do it and to document some crazy shit that I love and relate to. I've written about it here a fair bit - no need to really repeat.

need to ride today - probably should get on the bike and just spin for a bit, but where, which bike, DUNNO.

A line from this:

but really the best thing on the internet right now other than this:

so good
https://xkcd.com/2287/

Is this

That got me a bit misty listening to it this morning.