This just keeps getting worse, and worse, and worse.

Fucking hell.

I checked into twitter, STUPID bad timing. 

I really don't know what to think. 

only feel angry and sad

can't remember if i had read thirteen or not, so while waiting for a few things to come off hold i started to listen. i hate being patient while the plot jumps around and everything connects. but i also hope that the jumping around is chronological, while sometimes that is fun to read I don't have the mental headspace for that right now.

need an escape not a challenge. life is a challenge, work is a challenge, i want to escape into a book. better than escaping other places. 

need another day off, another day blissfully away from the world, focusing on what I can control, what i have influence on. 

Stevil's post today reminded me of what was drilled into us: there's no such thing as an unhealthy environment. The earth really doesn't fucking care. If it doesn't support life now, give it time, it'll figure it out, we can't really do anything. This blip of insanity in the history of man is pretty small, a culmination of 200 years of bullshit? Or a continuation of it. A turning point or just another inflection.

Time will tell. 

i feel a little better, but not much, gonna escape into the audiobook a bit more before bed. might need to up the speed a bit 1.4 x is feeling too slow.

heddwch

G

Fifty. from Stevil Kinevil on Vimeo.

Love this - so well done. And a great way to combine his passions

Been a while since last writing - lots going on but nothing new, noteworthy or urgent enough to find time in the crazy to sit down and write. And no, there's never anything noteworthy here, or urgent enough, like an irregular blog could have urgency? Yeah no. Stevil has his once a week deal, it is good. Janice has pushed to more frequent then infrequent then big photo dump. Everyone does their thing. it is also easy to tell who is forcing it and when, and also not hard to parse out those doing it for the add revenue to build on their whatever and those doing it just to fucking do it.

Life, it comes at you fast motherfuckers. 

Batty's post here is good. 

View this post on Instagram

I posted this unedited clip to my story last night following yesterday’s hellish escape from Cowshit Caldera that included a miles-long hike-a-bike for in super stiff XC shoes after bumping along terrible, cow-beat two-track on a carbon bike... and slowly becoming more and more disenchanted with @nationalparkservice and the American lie every revolution of my cranks and every slow, painful step. I needed this shitty steep hill that showed up 20-some-odd miles into a six-hour day. I needed to feel my body say “FUCK YOU” to everything I felt and everything I saw. I desperately needed to know that despite losing the last bit of my hope in this bat-shit stupid country, *I* could still keep going. And you know what? I fucking did. That’s the big ‘secret’ to life (and to bikes) — you just keep going. Don’t stop. Don’t call it quits. Don’t. Fucking. Stop. Pedal until the ground disappears, and then keep on pedaling — walk, crawl, sit down, shout at the sky if you’ve gotta, then get the fuck up and keep fucking going. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT — they aren’t coming to save you. Life only matters if we drain every goddamn drop; the only drops worth draining are the ones where we aren’t fucking dead — when death is the only true end, you’ll be shocked at how sardonically optimistic you can be. It ain’t over until it’s over, so we keep fucking going, we keep fucking grunting and it doesn’t matter if we’re fast or slow or fat or skinny or happy or sad or black or white or purple or legless — all that matters is that we’re not fucking dead. That’s a win. So I keep going until I am, no matter what. Because what else am I gonna do — end it myself and waste all this perfectly good suffering?! Fuck no. I wanna get eaten by a bear and have my rotting carcass dragged away by wolves. Or get smashed by an ice cream truck on my way to the gym or die in my sleep during a weird fucking dream or overdose on electrolytes or anything other than giving up. So just keep going. That’s really the biggest secret of them all — just go. It doesn’t have to be perfect or pretty or even remotely functional. Just keep pedaling. ⚡️⚡️⚡️ #notdead #beepbeepmotherfucker

A post shared by Amanda Batty (@abattycakes) on Sep 22, 2020 at 10:06pm PDT

 and where do we go from here?

one step forward, action local, be a force for change, listen, engage, understand, work to educate...

Pile of links:
http://www.jilloutside.com/2020/09/a-breath-of-fresh-snow.html

big ol' yup every time Stevil posts...
https://allhailtheblackmarket.com/2020/09/pretending-to-pretend-things-are-normal/

and yeah of course ya gotta look at this compartmentalization of Brian's work:
https://www.cycleexif.com/jacquies-chapman-cycles-tourer

and yeah if you've been around you've run across JP and Charlie Cunningham and hell it is the root and sole of part of cycling in the US, part that I connect more with, more than the hard core roadie scene.

There was some other stuff... most of what I posted earlier.

The fires, the forest, the climate change, and yes, managing with controlled burns, not banning controlled burns because of air quality and other stupid things, but also even perfectly and properly managed forests can burn. 

Maybe not as bad as now, but yes - still... shit is dry. Our house for some reason has been missed by just about every major rain storm that blows through. Everything is drying up. Dry.

And this morning was cold. 

I wore pants today! PANTS MOTHERFUCKING PANTS! 

Oops I just had coffee and it is after 5. damnit.

Was also going to leave early and swing past my brother's farm and get some Ghost Peppers, maybe a chicken, maybe try for tomorrow. Now gotta head home and work on dinner and stuff.

maybe i'll put more words together later

maybe about the ride on sunday (it hurt - and was slow - but was so good)

heddwch
g

 No - not the last post, no one reads this.

Over on the twitters, RH tweeted the NPah piece and then I added the link that JVH posted on the 24th, about carbon footprint being a British Petroleum (aka BP) PR stunt, nothing more.

And well - retweets are keeping my notifications busy:
https://mashable.com/feature/carbon-footprint-pr-campaign-sham/

That's the JVH via someone else, link

The NPah one:
https://www.npr.org/2020/09/11/897692090/how-big-oil-misled-the-public-into-believing-plastic-would-be-recycled

And you'd think I'd learn. Brought enough food for lunch. Ate most of it by 10am. Left with a salad that I put off eating until almost 2pm, and yeah 3:30 and I'm hungry again. 

Also have been waking up well before 6am for a few days. It is dark. Daylight is slipping away. Won't have this much light till Middle of March or some shit like that. 

Looking forward to getting back on the MTB in the woods, but might take tomorrow off, been on the bike all week, go into Sunday AM a bit more rested. or something. Can't ride EVERY day. Although August had me going pretty good - only 4 days, maybe 5 that I didn't ride at all. And those days I didn't ride still involved bikes, so, really, bikes rule everything around me. What did you say Gomer Pyle? Surprise surprise surprise - of course ya gotta hear that in Robin Williams voice from GOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAAAAAAAM.

trying to wrap up Season 2 of Altered Carbon before the Netflix trial ends. I've spent more time looking for something to watch on Netflix than actually watching it. And I never actually watched that Flavorful Origins show. FWIW I have the same problem with Hulu and Prime and any other on-demand service I've looked at, fuck it - I can't even decide what to watch on Youtube most of the time.

Also kicking myself for missing the premier last night. 
https://www.rei.com/blog/cycle/rei-presents-do-better-together

I guess not a premier - just a screening - so feeling less bad about it - still good to watch it if you haven't yet.

Couple more things to do today before the day ends, then, ride home, do dishes, make dinner, more dishes, maybe make some ice cream, maybe read, and then hopefully get some sleep.

y'all be good, do good, be a force of good, create some ripples, help those around you stay afloat in the storm, personal or global...  Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

 Probably maybe the single most negative influence in my life. 

Trauma galore. 

Constant growing up, and still now that self consciousness is deep, can't remove it.

Wearing a shirt, all the time, even when it was too hot and everyone else was shirtless. 

There's more to hating the beach, the pool, public spaces where 'males' of all ages are generally always topless than being too skinny to float growing up, to being so prone to sunburns, and generally not liking crowds of strangers.

Take the shirt off - instant judging. People I knew, would look at me, stare at my chest...  and being me i was aware of it, aware of the shift in people's mood/attitude, even if it was brief or instantaneous. Usually it wasn't. 

PEX...  pectus excavatum...

I remember as a kid, vividly, by my mother seems to not remember it or denies it, that i was given the option to have surgery to correct it. break the bones, re-set them... for some insanely naive or inexplicable or total lack of foresight (you tend to be that way before you hit double digits in age) I thought I should stay the way i was, it wasn't hurting anything, why fix something that wasn't broken.

Little did I know. 

So, when Nat started posting the Captain Tits Out photos, I connected and it resonated instantly, Obviously it is different, but more similar when you understand me, I'm too sensitive, too much like a girl... if you talk to macho macho men/boys i knew growing up. 

Didn't really plan on going down this road.

But well, go read this "Captain Tits Out: everything..."

Yes.

The perception and the awkwardness is 100% mine. But I could not figure out how to make it not bother me. still can't. still uncomfortable. I've developed ways to deal with it - and at times I just don't have any more fucks to give. Post CX race maybe, pre-race... fuck it, but there, you just raced, or will race, that's where the judgement falls, you also have your own measures, did you finish? did you do your best? Who the fuck cares about a bit hole in your chest. But maybe that's just the group of people at the race. 

Why did it bother me? It didn't at first. But others with cruelty, shame and focused attention made it impossible to ignore. Even in high school, one innocent remark or extra lingering of eyes triggered the whole trauma and stress.

i'm not only an imperfect person mentally, but also physically in a very visible way, and being taller than everyone else and skinnier than everyone else exponentially amplified it. I was already a freak, an outlier. this pushed it even further.

Not sure how much it helps to write this, I've certainly given fewer fucks lately, but fuck, I AM ALMOST 50 I SHOULD HAVE FIGURED THIS OUT FOREVER AGO. 

Okay that really hurt. Writing that I'm almost 50. wow... fuck

sigh

A RIGHT BUNDLE OF POSITIVITY TODAY EH MOTHERFUCKERS? 

I don't want to co-op Natalie's words, but I hope her ripple can turn into a tsunami of change.

heddwch

G

 "Nothing beats the simplicity of singlespeed riding yet in my opinion"

Okay so then there's this guy pretending to talk like me - but man i'm not quite that crude - all the time or any of it lately but still fucking strange hearing someone that sounds like me:

https://youtu.be/BHiUautKMO0

was gonna write more but today got out of hand, 

maybe later.

follow up w/doc tomorrow

rode in the new helmet yesterday - was gonna write about that but you can just go to IG if you want the visual.

heddwch

g

 https://www.outsideonline.com/2416668/neighbors-save-homes-czu-lightning-fires

https://elemental.medium.com/a-supercomputer-analyzed-covid-19-and-an-interesting-new-theory-has-emerged-31cb8eba9d63

https://elifesciences.org/articles/59177?fbclid=IwAR1xyXefUuxNajBm_JFjaxafnouqSFSmCzpJYG4ssSEyIwt3DSSzJIKgJLk 

some fun reading...

This thing about Vitamin D. Up until maybe 18 months ago I would sporadically take 1000 IUs of it. Then i started taking it almost daily. Had blood work done in November (routine) and my Vit D levels, for the first time in my life, registered at the very lowest level of the acceptable range. The lowest level. Like one tenth lower and it would have been flagged. That's taking 1000 IUs/day, usually at the end of the day after a meal. plenty of time for max uptake, in some hypotheses. I ran out of those a couple months ago and said fuck it - bumped up to 2000 IUs. per day. 

And to be fully transparent I usually chase them with some of that Adaptogen (yeah I think it works pretty well actually) and some Magnesium (yes also I feel a difference when I don't get it). And yes I stopped taking those last two for two weeks to kind of test if they were making a difference, and yeah I noticed both not and then the resumption. It increases my 'chill' factor. Def more relaxed, far less anxious (but still anxious - can't fix everything with a few sups). 

The Vit D is nice esp with this covid thing. If i do wind up getting covid, well hopefully all that extra daily dose will help. I hope I don't get it and I'll be doing everything I can not to. But still. Kind of like wearing a mask. It isn't hurting me, and might actually be helping me. Like helping me realize when I have dragon breath or dog breath. 

I'm probably going to take the weekend off the bike. Maybe a short ride, maybe not. Haven't had a down week in a while so, crash turns into forced rest week. Might try and add some intensity on the trainer inside - no risk of crashing or other stuff once the weekend is over.

Def looking at landmine and the D-day version. (MTB race - virtual and stuff)

Just not for a few days/weeks. 

Wrapped up a virtual retreat today, ZOOM ALL DAY. Sometimes two rooms at once. Playing DJ with the sound on two computers, mixing to get it just right. 

Been listening to Altered Carbon (audiobook) and yeah - i read it once before, just finished watching season 1 on netflix, and now i'm listening to it. Interesting how divergent but similar the storylines are and how they are woven in. 

I got some pixel buds for my birthday -so no i have wireless speakers to jam in my ears. I kind of like it, looking forward to trying it out at the shop tomorrow, although I do kind of like the ambient not having shit plugged in my ears style of music and books on tape when working. But might prepare for both.

Time to pedal - shit, extra late already damnit, and here I was going to leave early today. Nope.

Mood post crash has been not bad. Def feeling fortunate. Generally feeling better than previous weeks, but then you know that's probably just because my birthday is over and in the past and I have almost a whole year I don't have to think about it at all... Except next year is another big one, is it pessimistic enough to ponder who the fuck will ruin this one? Or just being me? Right now I don't care and there is no rush of dread or sadness or any emotional response thinking about that, too far away. too many days to get through before then. 

One day at a time.

One foot in front of the other.

heddwch

G

 New lid ordered. Even though I missed the better discount it is still pretty damn cheap vs retail and it is the right color. After all color is really all that matters right? At least here in hunting season a helmet is enough orange to comply most of the time.

slow morning, catching up, feet up, still pretty wrecked from the crash, still sore but not as bad as yesterday. Slept a little better. 

Rain is coming, i can either ride the ebike or the singlespeed. I think i'm going singlespeed, after picking kid up, and putting gas in the van, shit i'm running out of time. 

--

wrote that yesterday morning - did indeed get on the singlespeed, in the rain. Was slow. Felt slow, but not terrible. The tailwind though, made me feel great - damn this feels easy going this speed on this bike - oh... right... tailwind.

Slowly feeling better but not there yet. Currently wondering/thinking maybe I need to just take the weekend off. 

trying to work through some mind melting nest of crazy threads, i hope I'm not leaving too many loose ends to unravel and make this all worse.

found one that could be a problem, hopefully sorting it out before it becomes unrepairable...

My doc went digital with a new portal, got to see my weight and BP over the last 6 years. Hard to imagine that i was 193 pounds in january in '14. Feels like a lifetime ago. Hate that seeing that date gets me thinking about the choices made. But they were made and we are here now and that's all that it is. I think I drank myself up to about 215 or so, the year off the bike/the greatly reduced mileage, contributed to that too. slow progression the other way? Who knows. Probably esp since I just bought some fat shorts (36 waist instead of trying to keep squishing into 34s) I tend to do that, buy fat pants get skinny, buy skinny pants get fat. And by fat I mean that precarious balance between 195-200 and now - pretty small change with all perspective applied. No I'm not always obsessing about it but I think about it when looking at numbers over time. BP numbers aren't too bad could be lower but after all that coffee i'm okay with it. i ride hard enough to crank that number up and keep everything running better than most.

Been drizzly, last night was like riding through a cloud home. I said "I rode through the cloud" and my kid said "No I rowed through a cloud" we were both out along the water at roughly the same time, on a bike and in a single. 

Snapped this on the way in this morning:

Was misty and calm...  but clearing when i made it in.

Better actually eat lunch during lunch. 

heddwch

G

 of course i didn't think to order a new helmet yesterday:

"If you’ve been thinking about buying a new helmet for yourself or for someone else you care about, now is the time. Make sure to get your order in before August 31st, because September 1st will be too late."

TOO LATE

Now I get a choice between the top of the line that is 2x as much money as the next lower priced one but in the blaze orange color (like the one I bounced off the rock in) or the cheaper one in a less desirable color, or a totally different brand.

Heck can't even EP a Lazer MTB helmet - no stock (retail there's a few but not many and I am kind of stuck on that blaze orange color). Giro doesn't have much stock, nor the right color.

What else is there? Smith? I dunno their helmets never quite fit as well and the color, again...

Guess who might be getting a [another] silly expensive helmet? 

..

Doc did a bunch of O.M.M. on me this morning. They were pretty shocked at how wrecked I was and how functional I was an how little the impact did. Expected some puking or passing out or something with the extent of the whiplash damage and impaction. So bad was my physical state I need to go back for more work next week. Most of the shit is just going to take time to heal but I can take a deep breath today for the first time since the crash, so that's good. 

BP was a nice 120/70 after only drinking a pile of coffee this morning, oh right Doc said to drink water like a fish. Damnit. I need to get more water in me. Will work on that right after my next Covid test. 

Lots going on. Too much to say. or more just that trap of indecision as to where to start, so there's not start, a block.