I was going to leave, Wahoo was at 9%, so rather than running apps once it dies, I'm charging it a little. Hoping maybe it'll soak up enough charge to get me home. 

And so i pulled up the 'tubes again... and saw this...

Tom Waits? Sean Rowe? Fuck yeah...

hit this one up if you want:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-r5Bl9jEBk

heddwch

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 So much building up.

I did finally finish watching 'The Alpinist" fucking hell that was amazing but sad and lots of words about it but there's some really solid and important truths in that film. It was really well done and very very thought provoking. I got lucky stopping when I did, really a perfect point where I could really let the first part of the film soak in, digest and absorb without the trauma from the second half that felt definitely foreshadowed but maybe not inevitable? 

Been trying to stay present and focused. Working a little.

 Maybe.

Took today off, had some big plans, the list of shit to get done is pretty daunting, but i've been wiped out by everything and the sheer intensity of everything.

Was looking in the mirror last night, I've changed, I look older. I am older. Maybe i need to start acting like it, I looked at myself and said, slow the fuck down. At least for a little bit. 

No one has ever faulted my endurance or stubbornness. Gets me through most things. Never been the fastest, or the quickest. 

Woke up with a solid early coffee headache. Happens when I stop drinking coffee at 2pm instead of 4 or 5 pm. I don't like it when that happens.

But I also managed to snag a 3/6 in that five letter word game, was stuck at a 5 for that many days I think.... I try to wait to play until after coffee is made, sometimes I make it, sometimes not so much. 

Made chocolate waffles for  the house yesterday morning, cooked up some more with the left over batter this morning. 

Sent everyone out the door, put my feet up, tried to rest and relax, maybe nap. No dice. Watched the end of one movie i started a while ago, watched another i'd been wanting to see for a bit while eating lunch. Did laundry. Doing laundry. Reading? nope. watching more TV? nope.

I was thinking I should get on the trainer and do tomorrow's planned workout today. Nope. 

Kid suggested I talk to someone professionally about this low battery feeling. Hell I know what's up, I'm literally not taking any down time. Not having any time to recharge. I know that's the first thing i need to do. Rest, recover... even full of coffee I managed to almost fall asleep. I did get completely relaxed, like that really nice feeling of just everything going slack. I can kind of do it on demand, starting with the feet, moving to the head. just let everything turn off, it is a good feeling.

Sorry the blogging has been lagging lately. Start of class has changed the dynamic. Teaching though does what it always does, both energizes and exhausts but def more of the first and while I feel tired I'm also not feeling anything negative. 

But I am feeling tired and def not motivated to get on the trainer in the basement to do a prescribed workout. No races planned looking forward, nothing till March. Weather is fucking strange, def want to get out for some long MTB rides. Maybe toss some faster rolling lighter tires on the Top Fuel and make it a gravel bike. Might need a bladder or some other way of carrying more liquid tho. One bottle cage sucks.

other kid did well on Sunday, not quite the target time for her 2k but still a PR and in the closest race and it was tight and she gave it all. 

I keep coming back to death lately, I forget what it was this time, maybe something about the direction of what's happening, about what my Grandfather might have thought about things, about how those who are gone are that. And I thought more about why people really so firmly hold on to the notion of a soul, and life beyond this, and how when we're dead...  we're gone. I hope I have time to come to terms with it all... I think one trigger at the end of last week was going to Ship Street...  seeing the ghost bike for Evan B-B. Thinking about him dying there, in the heat, about to win a race... what happened to his bikes, are they being ridden or cared for the way he appreciated them? But does it really matter what happens. Does someone's prize collection of something just get thrown away? Why do we form such intense bonds with objects? And yes, I think quite often about my dad and his abosolute refusal to part with certain items, most of the stuff. Gotta be genetic, the amount of stuff my grandfather had too. But those are two quite different men, neither of which were really very good influences on me. I mean they could have been much worse influences. 

Thinking too much. Time to escape beyond the second half of a movie or a whole movie where a complicated storyline has to be conveyed in less than 2 hours. 

best dig into a book, they last longer.

but first maybe I just need to rest. 

def don't have the energy to pick up and deliver and work on installing the gallery show

was a few other things I wanted to get out of my head, maybe tomorrow.

gonna rest some more, so hopefully I can hang around a bit longer, with luck...

amor fati motherfuckers
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 three separate posts

they are all drafts

time? what time, and when I get home i'm just cracked and barely getting through making dinner.

planned to do a Reddiyo workout last night, toooooo tired even after riding the e-bike all week+

Like since forever ago... Today was the first day on the singlespeed commuter and it felt great, very nice to be on a bike that fits but not quite before my back started complaining and other issues started cropping up. Pedaling on flat pedals in the boots and then wearing the boots probably wasn't great for that long.

need to start reading...  checked out Ready Player Two to listen to since the book I bought a while back still hasn't been read and now there's an extra pile of books on top of the other books. Need to change habits somehow and get to reading more.

Working on it. 

For a very very long time I had tried to find the Saturday morning cartoon that I really liked, the one that was different, stood out... For some reason it eluded me. Keywords never seemed to fit. Space aircraft carrier, space navy, space i dunno something, it was space, and some sort of naval ship and small ships and Speed Racer like characters. Some of you probably remember and already have the name of the cartoon in your head. Today? Faceplace suggested Star Blazers as a group... and I'm just kind of like WHAT THE ACUTAL FUCK AND HOW AND THAT'S IT.

And they are all on Youtube. Srsly. I never saw the first few, hell I don't think i ever saw more than a handful of episodes but the ones I did see made an impression. And I could never figure it out.

And here they are.

Add that series to the list of things to take up my time.

Have to cut this way short, been more active on twitter than I should be maybe, but it fits more of the timeslot opening that I have lately. Very very brief bits here and there. Mobile not desktop. It is all just really busy and intense and maybe at some point it will all sort out a bit better, more easily and yeah... maybe not.

Such is the path chosen. The choices you make or the choices you don't make you still have made the choice or how ever the fuck those lyrics go. Brain SO BROKEN right now. But not bad space, just tired. Working really hard on supporting everyone around and that's not as bad as it has been in the past.

So that's good, things are not bad, just a bit overwhelming, and after an insanely overwhelming couple years, yeah, it is alot.

Will sign off, maybe even try to get home before it gets dark. Which is important since I just realized I didn't charge the headlight (ebike has built in light that never goes out) and I haven't used it in a long time.

Woops.

Heddwch
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 Then we had a major fucking massive storm.

Two feet near by, drifts in the back yard over 6' and base because of the fence of 4' and mountains of snow in the front yard/street side that are over my head.

It hasn't been above freezing and the bike path is fucking impassable. Might have enough people walking on it that I can make a go at riding the Stache to work. Maybe. Would be better than riding on the road.

Yesterday kind of sucked. Remember what happened with the new to me studded tire last year? Happened again, the other one. Flat. But at least closer to work this time. Would have been bad if it happened at the mid-way point. 

Made it hope on the other spare tire I had at work. 

Put the old studded tire back on instead of the new old one for this morning. Was good that I did. So much ice but also sketchy bullshit that no tire is good on.

Of course we're getting a major rain event on Friday, then it'll be single digits on Saturday. Haven't had the bike path this fucked up since 2015 and IIRC someone ran a snow blower on part of the path that year.

No a fat bike wouldn't help. 

First class yesterday and i was fucking leveled. It is exhausting, but such a damn good group of students.

Looking forward to it.

but also slept well i guess, felt like I had a week's worth of dreams, they went on and on and on and woke up to the alarm super confused. Still tired but that was really strange.

Saw someone's posting of a Whoop score...  99% recovered and rested, or something and I was seriously very much completely unable to fathom what that would be like. I don't even know when the last time was that I had any sort of idea what being rested is like. Then I looked at Whoop and hey it is subscription based and hardware is free... oh well guess i'll not be trying that out anytime soon. Not sure how i feel about wearables anyway. Hell I've been on the e-bike (studded tires) for too long, haven't even put the HR band on... 

Got in late (changing tire and stupid cold this morning and since there was school needed to wait for that traffic to clear) ate breakfast late, so not hungry now but I'll probably be hungry mid-session. 

Oh well it is what it is.

All that shoveling and I don't really feel sore. strange but cool? SSMTB? maybe? Dunno.

Will try and trackback and get the drafts published but we'll see about that.

time to go show some folks how to use a fancy scope

heddwch
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