i'm not a commercial content maker.

this seems bad, really bad. Do pro bike racer VLogs count as commercial video? They are undoubtedly promotional videos and i'm sure some of them are shot on federal park land. From what this sounds like they'd need to get a permit before shooting the videos.

yeah these guys seem a little off in some ways but not in others, a good balance, professional is probably the better way to put it.

but I have found their videos about Lake Mead informative and entertaining and it reminds me of fishing with my dad. We used to fish A LOT with him as kids. The fishing suited him, it was a quiet activity, but one with a goal, and honestly a bit competitive. Plus there were four of us brothers, so when you have a limit, 5 people can get a lot of fish. And before he left for the East coast the two of us would fish together because I was the only one old enough. My dad and I spent many many HOURS sitting silently fishing in the boat. Kind of set up our relationship of silence.

One I try to break with my kids but I'm also discovering that I'm really shit at having conversations. Okay with teaching and talking about specifics and facts and stuff but just talking about shit, not so much.

Sorry this web log has gotten a bit, well, deep and personally introspective. At some point I'll turn it around and face out and engage.

Hopefully soon.

Heddwch
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Here's a link to the rules: https://www.nps.gov/aboutus/news/commercial-film-and-photo-permits.htm

looks kind of unambiguous but IDK 

 But every once in a while things fall apart. 

The not riding is not helping. The inconsistent coffee. There's nothing left in the pot when I come back for some and then I have to make a whole one and then drink more than a cup, but then want to come back to it and there's no more (more people drinking it here). And, well, it has been a bit of a problem mostly in that I really can't judge how much I'm drinking. I need it but then can't tell if I've had too much until about 11pm until 6am. 

 Wishing y'all a big happy holiday. 

I hope you're warm, happy, or at least have coffee and some peace.

It can be a tough season, I don't get to call my Dad and wish him Merry Christmas in Welsh. 

I still think far too much that each moment and second is precious and then get despondant that I'm not absorbing it all in and then depressed and overwhelmed with a panic attack that this is it and when my brain stops working I stop being and then there's nothing left. And so yeah, unintentionally giving myself a minor episode. 

Fun stuff. 

For now, soak it all in, be kind. Love without restraint.

Some capitalistic garbage said no one cares how much you know until the know how much you care.

I care

be well

Nadolig Llawen

heddwch
G

 To reset, to recover, to take a break.

Bringing the laptop, maybe i can fabricate up some work, actually, well I say that and I've already thought of a few projects I can work on. Great.

Well. such as it is. Almost packed. stuff is ready, I was ready to fall asleep at 7:30.

Probably because I got home at 3pm instead of 6-6:30 pm. 

Habits, conditioned responses. 

Really would like to give the Festive 500 a shot again. Someday. Def not this year. What would the MTB version be? 500km on the trails is a LOT maybe the Festive 250, dirty version. 

Something to think about, maybe for next year.

Weather looking pretty shit too. Massive storm coming in on Friday it looks like, plummeting temps after all that rain? Should be great. Esp as it freezes and then thaws just enough to get slick but not sloppy but them maybe thaw enough to get sloppy. Who knows. Maybe I'll have a chance to find out.

It is late for a post. 

It is what it is, I don't have a schedule or a plan for this. Never really have.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers,

Heddwch
G

 Got started in on watching this guy's stuff. This is the second video i've watched this morning (pausing to deal with stuff - but also, honestly, professional development, esp in regards to my course I teach in the spring).  

Huge perception shift for me in some ways. 

 I listened to one just now. 1.5x speed of course. One of the people there was talking fast enough I might have been able to get away with normal speed but it was also long and I didn't have that whole amount of time to work. 

Had a thought - if I was doing this I wonder if people would have to slow my podcasts down to understand it. First assuming I can put enough words together coherently enough to make sense, second given the popularity of this smoldering 40 yard dumpster, I probably don't have to worry because no one would be listening to it.

Tomorrow's weather is going to suck. So tempted to drive but also parking and walking, I'll spend 5 minute walking in the rain times maybe 4 because of having to move the car which is basically almost as long as it would take to ride in. And belgian points or something.

There was a path in the thought that I started with and somehow lost.

maybe I'll find it on the ride home. 

maybe, but probably not.

and this is probably why no one reads this thing

heddwch
G

 Being told the only way to win is to play but when you're solidly neurodiverse, well on the spectrum, esp on the social interaction side, that's kind of the biggest reality check that, no, you might want what the normals have, what the mundane's show off as the way to be or whatever but you can't get there. 

And having someone, preface the you can't win if you don't play, with I know I might be coming from a place of privilege, kind of adds more sting to it.

Picked up on the PBA Season 3. Annoying but good content. Running it at 1.5 speed of course. Should have waited till Ep 10 dropped because now I don't want to wait, I like binging seasons. Not being dictated. Start with Ep 1 if you want. I rec watching at 1.5 speed but I'm an outlier. So maybe it doesn't work for everyone.

I took none, had no one there capturing ones of me. 

It feels weird to have such a strong illogical desire to see photos of what I just did, while at the same time talking almost no photos of others myself. I don't deserve to have the occasion or event memoralized in photos. But I suppose that's the nature of solo. 

I made it to work. Morning annual physical at which my doctor was extreme flattering and happy with my checkup. I am shrinking more than I would like, my former lofty height of 6'6"is a thing of the far distant past. my current 106kg mass is probably contributing to that. 

Staying home sunday was tough but made easier by being the correct call. I should have planned to stay there Saturday night, but the alone part. It would have been very much alone vs just a few hours in the car alone on the way home. 

Maybe next time will be different. Rumor has it CXNats returns to Louisville for 2023.

I have to delve into a pile of everything now, might find more time later to get some more of this out of my head.  For now watch this.

Preferably full screen

 Probably shouldn't have hit play and left autoplay on...

 to be all 'worked up' about racing tomorrow...

I've been thinking about what today is. 

 As in what the FUCK am I doing even thinking about lining up for the Singlespeed Championship race tomorrow?

Like as in Seriously. W.T.F!

 perhaps, or we persist. 

Ice weasels was Saturday. Headed out, drove the 2 hrs there, walked the course in the rain, saw a few folks, def thin, light attendance, lots of no shows but still a good number racing. 

Mud tires were a good choice. Other than i had little to no confidence turning on them, but that is maybe more me than anything else. Straight line they had fabulous traction in all the slop and slick conditions, and they broke free predictably enough. But those downhill sweepers got in my head. I think I probably could have gone faster, should have at least, but didn't. Still worked pretty damn hard, sprinted at the end, didn't win any raffle prizes, drove home in the dark, for two hours. Called a few people after the book ended. 

Tried to take sunday as a rest day, it worked pretty well. HVR on monday was as good as I've ever seen it. And still only good, right in the middle. Today was average. Yesterday was normal, long, bike commute, making dinner, that stuff. This morning, same HRV (almost) as Sunday AM. But at least my HR isn't too bad, 45-47, not bad for an old guy who doesn't train properly or live like an athlete.

Gonna be a lot of driving between now and next monday, but hey we drove to Boston for three HOCR days in a row. Hartford is a little farther tho. Had thought maybe to do the drop off here at 1pm, drive to Hartford and try and get back here by 4pm. But it is mapping out at an 85 minute drive. 10 minutes to park, get to the boathouse and back to the car and drive back? And hope the return trip takes the same amount of time? Yeah no good. Whats the point of driving out there all the way to not see the course or anyone while there. Also, unless they let me into the special dropoff/pickup area there was no way I could even run from the parking lot to the boathouse in 10 minutes, much less run there, get packet and then back to the car in that time. It might be a good venue for racing but it is absolutely shit to get to and park at. Like horrible. 

So Thursday it is. 

And me sitting here in the car, trying to relax, trying to conserve energy, recover, making an attempt to manage my constant fatigue, making an attempt to minimize exersion. Still gonna be a bit stressful trying to get home, not terrible, but not gonna be fun, then there’s the cooking of dinner that has to happen. 

Such is life. GeWilli disrupting the gender roles since forever ago.

Ice Weasels. The bike was good, putting the 22t cog on there and the old chain was a smart move. TIres also. It would have been miserable and impossible with the 19t and the 38 slicks. 

Most people with disc brakes blew through them, down to the metal backing plate. Because hydros, esp SRAM have almost no clearance and the mud was so wet and sandy it more or less just ground both down over the race. My mechanical TRPs were fucking perfect. The dual sided piston movement means that they pull back, quite a bit. So the only wear was when they were actually being used. And I knew what was in store so I looked at the pads before the race, by eye I couldn’t tell the before and after difference. The bike was coated in mud. Cleaned it off, overhauled the pedals (took the pedal body off the spindle, packed it full of finishline grease, put it back together), cleaned and re-greased the non-driveside BB bearing and just cleaned everything, brush, compresed air and pledge. Got the Fast wheels with the 19t back on the bike and it is ready to go. 

I’ll throw up the photos soon, i’m offline right now. 

Been trying to just be, a bit more. Kind of working.

Words just not flowing at the moment. Need to pause and? Maybe come back to it before too long.

--

was a long wait, wound up just listening to some more Reacher. 

But somehow I got home completely wiped out. Driving? or that specific driving. or the waiting. Something wore me out.

heddwch
G

 it is a riddle deep in a short story by a fabulous author:

https://www.tor.com/2022/11/23/the-difference-between-love-and-time-catherynne-m-valente/

You should read it. You probably won't. That's okay. I only read it because It is quiet, a slightly odd friday, after a long week.