To not bring up the TT on thursday night. I could say I was waiting for Danny to post the official results but also, not really. I've been busy.

I'm still stressed out of my mind but slowly forcing stuff to fall in place. 

Really glad I took today off. One to have a day of chill. And to pack and to run a few errands to try and aquire a few last minute things. 

Fatigue is a motherfucker and I'm overloaded. Two weeks in a row with over 11 hours on the bike, and three big rides each week. Doesn't seem like much but the one day I didn't ride this week I worked and was on my feet all day. Yeah I'm used to it but it isn't a good way to rest and recover. Then add all the stress about the trip, and work, and, well. No wonder. Can't tell if it is a slightly different bike position or just working harder for two weeks in a row, my legs are SORE. like this is strange. But maybe it is good. Taking a vacation seems like a good idea, honestly, and things should be fine. It is a big modern world, I guess the place we're staying is surrounded by lots of Universities, is a popular place for people to stay going to EuroDisney/Disneyland Paris and to Paris. Nice central location for all the stuff. We'll see how it goes. Looks like we might have sorted travel out a bit, to and from the airport. Could hire a car but also, i'd rather take the train, more relaxing than the car too.

The Quad is preparing everyday out in paris. L's college team posted her photo on social media, and she's going to be coming into the fall with some seriously solid training. But also a nice few weeks of recovery and rest. Also good.

So if we bring it back to the bike. The new one. And the TT. I rode it wednesday after the Smackdown, then it was Thursday and another day overbiking the commute and riding out to the TT. Weather again was looking spotty, but ultimately was greenlighted. We got there, pretty light turnout, Solobreak's toaster car was there but no sign of him. We lined up and there he came limping in on a soft tire. Got a flat warming up, wound up starting last, but props for getting the TT in. 

I started behind Burke. Last week we had identical times, (down to the second). Last week I was on the Paramount, downtube shifters and nearly funny bike low bars. And heavy. This week I was on the Madone. Still not a featherweight. But in a size 62 with pedals and cages and tubeless tires, it is 20#. probably my lightest bike. After going a wee bit too hard at the start I backed off a tinybit much maybe but I also managed to bring the HR up w/o too much of a spike. 

One thing I should have done more of was stay in the drops, stay low or go into the invisible aero bar position that I could see burke riding in nearly the whole time. But I was doing pretty well all considering, esp considering the fatigue and not so fresh feeling. I was shredded before the ride started. And the TT is tough. Hit the 118 which is, or has been the doubling time, hit that at 9 minute and you've got an 18 min TT. If you're going well and you've proprely budgeted your power. I hit that point 30 seconds or so faster than I did the week before, I think maybe more. I had passed Burke before that or around there. Caught Kylie somewhere around then...  But the little bit of elevation after that started to crack me more than usual. I slowed down too much, but litterally couldn't go any faster. Made the turn onto Reynolds, and just before that John DLC passed me. I hit the turn hard, laid that bike down and it said - lets go. 

Side bar. The Madone LIKES to turn, like it feels on rails and stable and confident in every corner, smackdown I was taking corners so much faster or with so much more confidence that it was inspiring and exciting. Even on the s-turns across the linear park the bike was like, fuck yeah lets turn tighter and get lower. 

Make the turn and I keep John in sight, and try to claw back or not lose much, I do okay at it but not as well as I would have liked, it was tough. I powered over Peck but that cost me the ability to really drive it after the road flattened out, but I still managed to push hard and had nothing left for a sprint, I was completely, totally tapped out. But in the end roughly a minute faster than the week before, and Burke put in nearly an identical time to the week before so conditions were roughly comparable by that measure. So, being super tired, the bike still cut a minute off the time. *** Results JUST POSTED*** and well most people went a little faster, so maybe the gains are not a full minute. Eitherway they are much more of a gain than anyone else posted from the previous week (10-20s faster looks to be the rough avg but there were some that went slower, so maybe some the extra faster were just better raced/paced than weather - who knows, doesn't matter really)****

Drivetrain efficiency is undeniable. I can feel it, so much less drag with the new chain and profiles vs the old 8 speed stuff. Stiffness? not harsh, that beam really does work, but the power goes forward. pretty amazing. 

Gonna miss the next two smackdowns, but should be back in time for TT and maybe be 'rested' and fresh (if a little jetlagged). 

We'll see, lots happening between now and then. But that bike, crazy expensive and all that, is just absolutely amazing, so good. SOOOO good. Trek is an annoying company in many regards but they make some really fabulous bikes. Even if they did discontinue the perfect MTB (Stache) and the Perfect SSCX bike (Crockett).

Next up, time to go watch some international rowing and cheer on the USA. The country has a lot of flaws, but representing it at the highest level means something and is pretty fucking amazing and I'm about as proud as I can be. 

I have a list of important phrases to get out of a jam with the french speakers, a few apps. And my camera. Weather looks wet, basically forecasting rain the whole time we're there. Sounds good to me, but I wonder how E will like walking the 3-4 km in the rain in the morning. We'll see. Maybe there's a ride share app use in our future or some other arrangements, maybe E will be able to talk one of the other USA folks into picking us up in their rental. Heck maybe we should have looked at a rental. E's good at talking to random people, I'll go along with the flow.

For now I got a long list of shit to do to day. Of course the weather is amazing today, esp after the last week of heat and humidity. So glad it isn't going to be roasting hot in France while we're there. SO. Glad. 

Well.

If I have time I'll toss some more stuff up, for now, time to do some laundry and sorting and travel prep.

Heddwch
G

 Where am I? Where was I last? Who knows.

There was a lot of drama and discussion after last week's smackdown. People were mad, some felt targeted unjustly and there was general division and concern about it continuing. 

Communication broke down a rider meeting was picked to happen at one spot and then cancelled but not announced that it was cancelled and it was generally a shit show. Super low turnout due to a threat of some massive storms moving through. 

I thought maybe it would all stay north of us. It did not. We rode through three distinct massive downpours on the ride. me on the new bike. I was an idiot and started the ride off up front with Graham, spent a good while way up in the wind. But also could feel that my legs were still tired. 

Side note, someone pointed out, (it was Reece on the Trek DH team recap) that emotional and life stress causes the same level of fatigue as racing and training stress and how important it is to minimize it at the highest level.  And here I am absolutely burdened with stress, of my own making and my own brain wiring, filled with anxiety about the trip, about how to make it work, about all the new and all the unknowns and, yeah, then there's life, fitting everything in, stressing about little things trying to leave others alone but never escaping them from the back of my head. 

It is a heavy burden and one that is negatively impacting my riding and recovery. It is in part being sick for that stretch of time, but also contributing and carrying on from that illness has been all the rest. 

PERFECT TIME FOR NEW BIKE. ugh.

So anyway, we head out, doesn't start raining for a bit and well, pretty soon we're strung out single file, Graham doing his tempo thing. 22MPH avg, but that means super fast on some sections. had to chase back on after the turn on Prospect (car), wound up in the sketchy zone of pulsed accelerations, then I bombed down Jacob because why not, sat on Frenchie's wheel through the turn on Pine and while it felt awesome, the bike ain't gonna help me get up hill. Seems to make me faster on the flats but up the hill? Not so much. Still carrying a bit more weight than the watts I make can handle. Need to work on that.

Got gapped and dropped on Pine. Caught a couple people on  Homestead, and yeah this was 3-5mph faster for a given effort than the Paramount in the same stretch. On tired legs (singlespeed on sunday, totally different story but I tried to ride the shifty squishy bike for Dirt Church, loaded it onto the rack only to notice a spoke that looked weird... touched it to see how loose it was and the nipple dropped into the rim. I thought it was just loose at first but later i looked and the spoke broke at the threads - so i swapped for the SS and tried to ride easily but you can only ride so easily with one gear here).

I could see the group just a head, 2 tenths of a mile by rough reckoning from where I was when they turned on Rocky Hill. So I tried my fucking hardest to go. Was okay, not great but not bad. I wasn't going full max but somehow couldn't or wasn't able to get the headspace to push at the max.

I wound up catching another dropped rider just after the bottom of RH, and rode with him and I set a second fastest time for me (leading) on the Bliss to Danforth segment, and that's saying a lot. We did pass John Harris fixing a flat, and then picked up Carlos. He added a third to our rotation and caught some of the torrential rain we rode in on his video camera. 

The bike does one thing unexpectedly amazing. It TURNS. Like HOLY SHIT WHAT? Like every turn now the bike wants to lay flat and hold the line. It was terrifying in the back of the Bs honestly. the bike wanted to go so much faster than everyone around me. Faster than I'm used to but with also with me feeling like this bike could take it even tighter AND faster were as before I was on the ragged edge/limit of the bike. Can't really explain it but whatever the FUCK they did designing this bike they did it right.

WOW. Is all I can say.

Working really hard to try and take it easy, and recover for tomorrow's TT. But lets face it. I'm almost 52, have a fuck ton of stress, and even a good night sleep doesn't really have the same bounce back as it used to. 

Anyway, we made it back. And then Orlando let me have a torrent of anger and frustration and I spent a long time talking with him after the ride. We hit the main points, we got things sorted I think, found some common ground and reassurance and understanding. It is funny, everyone still thinks I'm running this circus, and I'm not sure I like it, because I'm not, but maybe because i have for so long? I dunno. 

I do know I had great legs in the middle of June, and pretty much nothing since. Anyway, we started wrapping up and then it started raining again, then it absolutely UNLOADED again. 

Third, Fourth? I dunno the whole ride seemed to have as much water coming down as coming up from the ground and the bike didn't give a fuck. It was happy as could be. The disc brakes? Well yeah they get annoying with road grit and sand and loud with the water. Whatever. 

Finally got home. Ate, ate some more, had dessert, and finally was able to sleep. 

I'm finally getting used to the Di2 stuff. I made a tweak to the bar angle just now, we'll see how that feels on the ride home soon (brought it up a touch). Def not super keen on the saddle but getting used to it. 

I should go through the full build process that I finished on Saturday (spent basically the day working on that bike instead of building bikes and getting paid). Maybe later, or i'll peck it out on my phone while traveling... or not...  Need to take the paramount apart and prep for repair... need to get the Black blue back together for geared commutes, but need the chainring, shit. Anyway. 

Time to pedal home. 

Then make dinner and try to knock a few things off the stressfully long list of shit that needs to get done. But also try and relax after a long intense day (stochastically intense, not steady but still two large blocks of training always is exhausting and that was no different today).

And here's a few film photos from the Leica roll...

Heddwch
G

 "If the MIT study is right, the inactive striosomes result in overexpression of the IDGAF gene."

There's someone else still putting out weblog things, in a more structured format than I have bothered with lately.

Some of his stuff is good, some, i dunno. lately been good, but maybe because it resonates. 

This one, about death and the framework of life and what it takes to do all the shit he talks about there.

Worth a read. Not the book, the blog post. 

Oh and if you feel like doing some good, can you help the folks in West Africa by voting on the BDL Improved Shea Nut Roaster? click here and vote for it: http://wshe.es/52T4k5ku 

 Timing yesterday? Off. Got in and had no time to eat the breakfast I'd planned (you know, jump start the metabolism, break the fast, replace the small amount of fuel used on the commute in but, yeah, no, check in on the scope demo, then check in with project lists then sit in a meeting that I thought might be 30 minutes that turned into 90 minutes and a follow up meeting later that afternoon, finally ate lunch late, burritos of course, but a little lighter on the rice (yeah I put rice in my stuff because I don't eat it on the side usually) than I wanted, heavier on the hot sauce (yellow bird habanero) because it was easier than chopping the jalapenos or serrano, should have chopped for the heat (burp). Cranked through a pile of other shit, ate breakfast at 2:45, mostly because eating it later would have been bad. But I did manage to drink a liter and a half of water on top of the coffee so, well hydrated at least. Not feeling too tired, but fuck, another stressful thursday. 

Left later than planned because of the second meeting on the microscope with someone with bigger dimples than GoFahr and the leica guy and it turning into a confocal lecture on hardware and sampling and all the rest of the stuff. Learned a bit more about how their things work. ANYWAY...

Rode out alone. Pushing the pace on the Paramount just never seems easy. Like I've said, forwhatever reason the Paramount is faster alone than the Black Blue, but neither are fast. The Black blue is faster sitting in a draft than the Paramount, or should I say easier to stay in a draft. Which really doesn't make a ton of sense but I keep testing it and that's what seems to happen over the years. Maybe the lower bottom bracket on the Paramount, the lower and narrower bars? Dunno. The Paramount is sure as fuck heavier than the Black Blue. But black blue still has a flat (easy fix), but destroyed drive train (works fine except the 17 and it skips under load and I use it too much). I do actually have a chain and cassette for it but I need a new chainring up front, a 44 narrow wide, dropstop, whateversingleringchainretentionprofileyouwant and yeah, need to order one. Think maybe it is a good idea, that or get the Crocket back up as the backup road bike or maybe just put gears on it or fuck it maybe not, maybe leave it singlespeed this time? Dunno.

Rolling in to the gathering point who do I see? Cronoman. Looking fit and the same as always. New bike tho. And If the Cronoman is there, well Solobreak is usually not too far away and sure enough. Got a chance to chat in person and hang out a bit before, then chase him down in the TT lining up a little behind him. It was Solobreak Burke then me. and then some fast skinny MAMIL on some fast fancy bike behind me. He caught and passed just before we hit 118. It looked like I was reeling in Burke for a while but he must have saved more on the front end than I did and went fast enough to dissapear on the back half of the course.

Took me until midway on Reynolds to catch Solobreak, I was hurting. And having metrics really didn't seem to help me much. Almost distracting from me just pedaling as hard as I could. And the GPS drop was annoying, heavy tree cover and the speed would drop even though my cadence was the same and I wasn't shifting. Tried to push it hard on the backside but I knew coming into the 118 mark that seeing 10:40 meant I was going to not be any faster than last week. But I tried to push and push and recover a touch on the downhills but it was all a lot.

Crossed the line, stopped the strava there, looked, 13 seconds slower than two weeks ago. But that many days in bed sick isn't a great thing for building speed and then the slight headwind and everyone saying it was a slow night, well... I'm going to call it a wash and say that's where I am now on that bike, and maybe that helmet helped minimize the damage, maybe I'd have been 20-30 second slower with the old hot helmet. This one sure a fuck was way cooler. 

Hung out a little bit, enough to watch solobreak start to swell up from his last corner bee sting on his lip to the point of making it tough for him to drink his post TT beer. Hopefully it settled down, it was looking PUFFY when Burke and I rolled out home.

Legs felt a bit worse after than two weeks ago, maybe that's the lost fitness but not lost speed? I dunno. Fucking stress and shit maybe. legs were like day old french fries, useless soggy potato sticks.

[just] Made it home in time for the World's zoom meeting. It is gonna be CRAZY. 

Ate, tried to sleep. My back got fucked up from getting all twisted in one of the meetings, I could feel it being grumpy and well, I should have taken something before bed to calm the nerves down so i could sleep, BUT NO, had to be stupid stubborn idiot.

Maybe new bike will be ready next week? We'll see. Gotta get through today, and then tomorrow, hopefully get out in the woods Sunday (been way too long) and start the final push before the trip. Work before and after leave is intense and not so much fun sometimes. So much pressure to fit everything in.

ah well,

yall be good

here's a photo I took last night of some of the suspects:

heddwch
G

 Smackdown lately. A bit of both. Crazy in the A ride with just flat out stupid and dangerous riding (but so far no one has been run over fortunately). Last week there was a crash that took out a big gun, hit a corner and the guy in front didn't know there was a pothole at the apex and bonked it and lost his front wheel and went down and then took out the rider behind him. Accident and not sketchy other than not seeing the pothole in the turn. That was the A group. This week it was the B group's turn, another rider went down heading down rocky hill. that final right hander before the last left and the run out at the bottom, he hit a rock, the ONLY rock in the road in the turn, literally, one sharp bit of gravel and he hit it with the edge of his tire and put a 2cm gash in the front tire and well... at 35-40mph losing your front wheel is usually no good.

I only rolled up on it and fuck, feared the worst. I rolled up on it because I got DROPPED hard, got a little bit of a gap on Jacob and was just off the wheels when they turned up Pine and on the Paramount, and given I had been sick and in bed for days straight last week, I didn't have it to close the gap and hang out. 

So I rode mostly alone. Slowly, but trying to keep some steady tempo going. I'm okay with getting dropped, I'm still pedaling hard, I'm still out there, I'm old and life's been kind of messing with me, either sleep or food timing (yesterday's pre-smackdown lunch was delayed by almost 2 hours, not idea) or just life stress. 

Like stressing about the arrival of the new Chainrings. Speaking of new rings, if I want to get the black blue back together I need to order a new chainring for it. I'd thought about maybe decommissioning it but I think it makes more sense to decommission the Paramount and get it in the hands of someone who can bring it back to life (Chapman ideally). Looks like I'll race it for one more TT, this time with metrics (so i know how slow I'm going instead of guessing).

And honestly? I'm working on trying not to be terrified about going to France. It should be fine. Should be a nice vacation and should be exciting and cool and I'll have the new camera with me. I did figure out how to transfer photos to the phone so I can share easily while there or anywhere w/o a computer. No I don't think i'm bringing one with me. And I'm kind of thinking no film camera although that seems almost like a bad idea. Half thinking about taking the Leica CL. I did finally finish the roll in there today so I have some film to develop tonight or friday night. And I have those rolls of Rollei to try next. We'll see how these look in the leica, might just go back to the Spotmatic. Although carrying around TWO heavy ass SLRs isn't maybe the best idea, esp w/o a dedicated pack. Might need to work on the latter. Or at least make a few custom inserts or foam shells. Add it to the list.

I've got the tray of slides. Want to scan them in. Personality challenges limit my access to the scanner I had been using. And that fucking sucks. Maybe I'll make it over to the media lab and use the big scanner there and try and figure out how to use a Mac again. Ugh. macs. Took a peek at some printers, thinking about maybe printing some of these photos off the new monster camera, but it'll take a lot of prints done by John before i can begin to come close to the cost and even then more cost when the ink runs out and having a computer with enough juice to run and managed the image files. I really need to set up an office/studio at home.  And yeah, where? I dunno. somewhere. This camera might have an expensive cascade...  but to be honest, it is kind of amazing i've made it this long without having a computer at home. But then I get enough screen time at work so not the worst. 

Crazy, i'm getting on a plane to Paris soon. Totally different level of planning than 24HOGG. That race is more work but, it is a known thing. Big difference for me. 

Well lets see what happens tomorrow. See if i can at least be consistent with the TT time, and set a more solid baseline before trying it on the new bike.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

 But man I'd hoped for at least two nights in a row. Too much appearantly.

Excessive water consumption? Maybe. But better hydration isn't bad, getting up was okay as I was able to fall back asleep, at least until the dog needed to get up. She walked over and did the low growl. and that got me moving without her having to resort to the full bark. And I guess she was somewhat patient, because she at least waited a few minutes after 6am to get me out of bed so she could get some water and go outside.

got ya another streets song... we had to lie to my dad's sister when she was there and we were all saying out good byes. She asked about heaven and something about being comforted that our dad (her brother) was going to be joining their mother and uncle and everyone else in heaven and about the church and religion and the rest, it was very much a Madagascar penguin line "Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave" we didn't have the heart to break it to her that we've all figured this shit out a long time ago, dad included, this is what ya get. Ya gotta make the most out of your time here. Sure maybe there's a place our consciousness goes after our bodies fail but pretty much we're gone. Makes it so much more difficult with that reality in some ways. The whole not being able to pretend this is just the beginning and that you're going to die and spend eternity burning or hanging out with the non-burning people. 

Life...  fucking life eh? 

Did pretty well, proud of myself for not breaking down into a panic attack, cascade overload of emotions writing the above. Getting there. Only a minor twinge of dread and terror.

Still no chainrings. 

Oh and two days of pick drills and my back is saying "you stupid motherfucker" But it is sore in a good way, ish. 

So far it hasn't spasmed into locked down but it is grumpy. But balanced.

Seriously, two days, 2 min of back, then 3 min of back and arms barely fucking 500 meters a session.

This is going to take a while.  Smackdown tonight so no pick drills, just some foam rolling and child pose and planks after the ride. 

New lid tho. Finally picked up a new road helmet. That fucking XXX wavecell road thing, sure was fine, fits well, warm in the winter (good for CX) almost matches the CX bike color wise, but fuck all if it isn't heavy as fuck and hot as hell. New one? I don't even notice it is on. So light. So insanely light. I've never had a helmet this light. 

lets see what the old paramount does and what my legs are like after this much time off. Will be interesting. Also of note, the warranty replacement Wahoo works with Polarized glasses now. My old one, put the glasses on and the screen goes blank. this one? not a problem. Itching to get it paired up with the new road stuff so i can see the gearing. 

Weird day, busy and crazy but it feels oddly unproductive. Maybe a quick walk outside. Not with camera though. Left that at home, not coming back to the office between smackdown and home. And it feels weird not to have it with me. Def need more work figuring it out. Def want a nice really wide lens but also, need to just be patient and wait. Maybe I'll get a birthday present. (FOR MYSELF BECAUSE DUH). Although, hmmm, would be kind of fucking cool to do the all day ride WITH the camera and a nice pancake lens.

Outside - a bit of heat acclimation prior to riding hard it in.

hey, amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

 A full fucking night sleep.

A week of these and I might be caught up.

Late for lunch. But what is time anyway. Introspecting on this career I managed to stumble on/make, reflecting on how it wasn't at all intentional, it was almost just dumb luck that I fell into something I'm good at and enjoy. 

Stumbled on some new tracks from The Streets.

Same but fresh. Something resonates in me with this stuff...  maybe the Dry Your Eyes track. 

Still no bike. Still waiting. 

Stormy as fuck yesterday. Got caught driving in the worst of it. Took high roads and there was still a lot of water rushing and standing but we made it home w/o incident, just as it calmed down. 

Feels frustrating to be off the bike, frustrating not to get a chance to ride the trails, frustrating that it is taking this long w/o the new road bike.

Got on the erg last night, did 5 min of pick drills. It is like doing the remount. I have to get the neural patterns sorted or I'll resort to rowing on the erg like a crossfit fool. Legs, body, arms, arms, body, legs, legs body arms. Pick drills start off with Back only. Straight arms, straight legs, just pivot 11-1, straight back, just pivot. Then I added Arms...  body, arms, but not before in the layback position, then arms away then body. Focus on keeping arms straight until layback is stable. One muscle group at a time...

Gonna take a while but honestly it feels good and feels like it is activating a few groups of muscles I don't use enough or don't use symmetrically enough. We'll see if I can keep it up.

This got sidelined. I take it back, I'm tired. I need a vacation. Not two days off or one here or there that just make everything else crazier.

Sigh.

Well lets kick this can down the street a bit further. 

Wanted to take a photo walk today. Haven't managed to do that yet. 

Maybe there'll be something that catches my eye on the ride home.

heddwch
G

 Mikey put up another good one.

https://nsmb.com/articles/the-big-gulp/

He's always been funny and we've both changed a fuck ton since those early days when I was in the shop at Michigan reading every BIKE that came in as soon as it did and the Grimy Handshake first. 

Now, still... I see this monster bottle and hear Ben Stone saying "That's gonna rip a few rivnuts out of frames"

 or maybe it is just finding the lock... would be easy to open and toss the lock aside and move in with the key, but knowing where the lock is, maybe it is a combo lock that will take time to remember, or help from a friend to get the sequence correct...

that's better than where ya were before ya started...

Was watching this over lunch at work, okay well i started it waiting for my 12:30 appointment and just got back to it eating lunch late.

There's a fireside discussion, emotionally set perfectly by the filmmakers, Jimmy is talking and lets out the line that sort of did that opening bit here for me. Key, lock, whatever you want to label it, fuck even just call it a lightbulb moment to use a less creative or descriptive metaphor...

He says:
"I think that when you have got to a point where you lose something which is so precious. [pained gritted teeth, shake of the head] there's nothing else.  It get's in the way. 'Cause, the only thing you want is that back. And if you can't be emotional about that then your not a human being."

That loss causes grief, pain, emotion. Grief and loss need to be dealt with and processed. Not buried under alcohol, or distractions, or just pushing it deeper inside.

This sequence hit me hard for one reason, but now, writing that, there are many many reasons.

And no, I still haven't properly grieved the death of my father.

Yesterday someone posted this quote:
"Realizing you have nothing in common with people whose company you once enjoyed is sad. Outgrowing people is something we grieve."

I don't spend enough time with other people to find many if any that fit in that first category, mostly it feels like the other's find fault with me and outgrow, move on, distance themselves from me. The few people reading this might be some of the few people who don't fit in either, maybe because there's no routine physical proximity. I dunno. Feels more like the close friends I've had, and it goes back a very very long time, tend to drift away first. maybe that's my perception, maybe it is just a mutual drift. Easier that way. 

But those are maybe more damaging, they are slow growing voids, formerly a complete part of the framework, but out of sight it grows and dissolves that matrix, and without a clean point to take action, damage can manifest as unresolved grief unless someone else comes in to fill the spot.

From that point, realizing now, i dealt with it by filling the void with a new connection, maybe I burned them all down one at a time, I've been changing though, getting older, part of that has been recognizing how much trauma I carry from this process and not wanting to add more but then being left with a failing structure.

Recent void, yeah. Old loss of something so precious, in the middle there is my dad.

I'm going to collapse like Vermont did after all these rains when my mother passes. No idea how I'm going to handle that. 

Anyway, one of the things the life coach being interviewed was saying is it is great to help men because they are all so afraid to be emotional.

WELL GUESS WHAT? GEWILLI AIN'T AFRAID TO BE EMOTIONAL. But he just picks the WRONG SHIT TO BE EMOTIONAL ABOUT. 

Maybe this will help sort it out and fix some of the shit that's not so right. Probably not but hey. It hit home pretty hard so I toss some crap up here.

can't do this with threads or blue sky, not without annoyance. So no one reads blogs anymore, that's fine with me, maybe it is all better left unread.

heddwch
G

 Dunno, time has lost all meaning, my back is a complete wreck from resting, no chairs are comfortable, bed isn't comfortable, nothing feels good. But maybe I feel a little better?

Putting big question mark on Thursday night's TT. As in unless I wake up feeling absolutely perfect after a good night sleep tomorrow morning I think it would be a bad move to try and do it. Maybe if I drive out? Dunno. Def not going to have the new bike ready even if the rings get to the shop today, but maybe that will play into it all and the rings won't get there till thursday or Friday and I'll just have to make due with Next week as a debut. and then... shit then what? France? 

Last night, or yesterday, i dunno which brief spell of being awake and unable to sleep it happened, too many of all of them, not enough good long sleep, I had this idea of finding/composing a still life/subject and going through the new camera (that has also been languishing unused as I'm trying to get better) first up an ISO bracket of the same photos, maybe start with 200 and go on up? Then maybe work on an F stop bracket comparison, will have to figure out aperture priority, then I guess next logical one would be shutter speed but that seems less informative, lot of crossover with the first two. But all that requires being in a creative enough headspace and being able to see, not easy to do when all you want to do is see the back of the eyelids comfortably and sleep well. Maybe I'll manage to take a nap and feel up to it afterwards. Also thought, maybe it was this morning, that I should work on some pick drills on the erg, get started with form with the side goal of being able to erg properly like a rower, not some crossfit gorilla, and strengthen the back in a way it doesn't get activated on the bike. Maybe it'll make resting like I've had to do easier. And MAYBE I'll get smart enough to know when to reel it back in and not get so strung out. (I feel like I've been saying this for a long long time with no good move to a resolution). Something's gotta give. Not sure what.

Drinking more than two small cups of coffee so far today has helped a little. I'm not sure how much of yesterday's headache and pain was from withdrawal or from the fever. Probably a little of both. And yeah I'm stubborn and probably stupid but I wanted to let the fever rage instead of tamp it down with tylenol or something else, body is using it to fight, let it fight, come on body, lets get control back.

Time at the computer is about used up, need to change positions (back) and eat more food (hungry), and close it up before I get replies to all the emails I just sent out.

Yeah I'm working (not much but still am) while I'm on sick leave. shocking. 

heddwch
G

 Saturday was all downhill.

Chainrings not in the shop yet, maybe sometime this week.

And then I just kept feeling more and more tired as the day went on. Barely able to muster the energy to cook dinner, and then slept poorly but also with a fever, low grade, was 99 when I woke up Sunday morning, it peaked at 101.8 but stayed above 101 until this morning. back down to 99.

I didn't do much yesterday, bailed on the MTB ride, hell i couldn't do anything. I took naps! and then I still managed to sleep, although, being hyper hydrated has a downside. 

home sick today, will try for a few more naps, try to recover a little more. Dunno what this means for getting the bike together, or the TT on Thursday. Def going to bail on smackdown tomorrow. 

Reflecting on the week, and the week before, I've just been adding more and more and more and that TT pushed me right over the edge I think. Good MTB ride Sunday and then lots of work the rest of the day, then crazy day Monday and then Tuesday morning ride and tuesday afternoon's intensity and stress about finding flights and lodging in Paris (I know some people really love that stuff, i'm not one of them), crazy busy and stressful day W-F at work, and dog waking me up extra early most days... I mean it was a full week, full of huge positives. we can talk about L's selection to the U19 team I finally got a Monochrome camera. Funny this morning there was a less than stellar review of it here but most of the negatives seem to be related to people who are used to the other modern cameras, guess what? I'm not. And I haven't noticed issues with the focus motor sounds but maybe I don't know what I'm supposed to hear. Still need to figure out a few more functions to control on it, I did figure out how to turn off the sounds. 

Feeling like crap sucks. I need to work on not doing this again, and again. somehow. 

time for a nap

heddwch

G

 But first lemme be proud dad for a minute:
https://usrowing.org/news/2023/7/7/team-usa-usrowing-announces-camp-selected-boats-for-2023-world-rowing-under-19-championships.aspx

Just a little proud. It has taken a while, and a lot of support and not insignificant amount of fiscal resources (Thanks Dad) and it is just the beginning but, hitting a goal you've been aiming for for three years is unimaginable. Well for me, these kind of achievements are unimaginable to me, a big deal. 

That out of the way (oh and yeah, we've got tickets to Paris, better brush up on some basic french, although I feel like I might be as bad as I was when i was there nearly 30 years ago, can make myself understood but completely unable to comprehend the response).

TT. So while I'm waiting for another money pit (this has been an expensive few months, again, thanks dad), and with the black blue having a rear flat AND skipping in the 17 (whole drive train is trash except for the shifters and rear der)...  I took the fragile 23c tires and wheels off (aka no more carbon front wheel) the Paramount and took the set of 10sp Ultergra wheels I got from Golberg off the Quantum Pro and put them on the Paramount, tires are Durano DDs, heavy, strong, durable, not ideal for going fast. Nothing aero. No wheels, no frame, no carbon, hell there's even downtube shifters and a 40 year old bar on there. No aero helmet. Nothing. Two bottles, and no feedback. No HR, no speed, no cadence, no power, nothing. Because the Wahoo headunit screen started delaminating and they warrantied it and I'm still waiting on the new one. 

No feedback in a TT is tough. I don't know how slow I'm going, both good, and not good, good in that I don't get the negative feedback, bad, I don't have the extra motivation to push harder. I think for me it almost is better w/o feedback. That's how much the negative weighs on me. 

I was late, a protocol took WAY longer on thursday and I left 20 minutes after I had planned and, well got there just in time to pay up and get lined up. Again, up front. 4th. 

Was thinking back, 10 years ago, i was there, aero helmet, aero front wheel, disc cover rear wheel, aero bars, bar end shifters. And I was riding a ton with Becca. It was peak GeWilli TT. Hitting a strava clocked 18:24 or something silly. Nothing near the 16ish minutes John Harris clocked on Thursday this year but, he is a freshly retired pro on full world tour level TT gear. I still look like a cab over kenworth on a bike. 

Aero gear is unquestionably valuable in a TT. Even over an 8 mile course. 

I started off, went hard, got up to speed, then, just clicked down in gears. It felt good, was able to drop down all they way, wasn't super stable on that pavement with that fork when I reached down to shift but it was okay. Pushed it hard. kept it in that gear well past agricultural's second crossing, clicked one, then down one more on the rise, went back after jumping on 118, and pushed. It hurt and I was going hard, and it felt good. Had to remind myself to push it up the little rises, but made the turn on to Reynolds into the headwind and oof, that was hard. I tried to catch the next person up ahead but was making up no ground. So one of two things, aero, or too hard on the first 5 miles. Bounced back a little on the hill on Peck and was able to push it and cut the distance to the people ahead, but not totally catch them.

Made the turn onto 118, and was able to push and almost sprint for the line, legs were dead but not like last year. 

Finish time was at least faster than last year. And that's with zero aero wheels and much much slower tires. So. I'll take it.

It sets a baseline and we'll see what next week brings, even if I don't have the new bike ready to go.

Danny brought chips and beer (no water), chips were great. And we hung around I got a Bikeworks waterbottle isntead of a 3 pack of 20oz beers, and then Tine, Michelle, Colby and two other really fast guys headed home. And well, it started off just fine. Everyone talking, me just hanging on to Tine's wheel, going fast I think, and then? I dunno what the fuck happened but suddenly it was full fucking gas. Segment? Dunno, but it was all I could do to stay on the wheels. Everyone on their aero road bikes with deep carbon wheels and beep boop shifting. And me on my 1986 paramount with 8 sp downtube shifters. And me being SLOW. 

But I managed to hang on, until a turn and an acceleration and there was a gap and I couldn't close it and left Colby on my wheel and he went to close it and totally dropped me but instead of closing the gap and riding with everyone else, he dropped back and gave me a wheel to follow and a draft all the way home. He kind of fucked up and added a few miles to the end by missing the road to the white church off new medow but I didn't care. I wasn't really ever going that much slower on his wheel than I was in the TT. 
My legs were trashed, in a good way I think. But still. wicked smashed.

The ride home racked up more PRs on the road than I've seen in forever. Last year I was getting dropped riding slowly home, legit, like they weren't going fast and I couldn't hang.

Will be interesting to see what the difference is in equipment. More or less significant than predicted?

I guess I'd have to predict and I don't really want to, I'm honestly hoping for a minute faster, but potentially 2. More than 2 and i'll be amazed, less than 1 and i might be angry. Again though, weather and conditions are variables outside the bike. The headwind and the heat and humidity thursday night were not insignificant factors.

Well, best get my ass in the car and headed to 'Gansett. Gotta work.

heddwch
G

 It rhymes.

And all the stuff for the camera is here and I'm almost rather be taking photos than sitting inside and writing but I'm just back inside from a walk.

And sitting down thinking it was still before 5pm looking at the clock and seeing it is almost 5:30, well.

I'm out of here. Gonna kit up and ride home, probably take more photos on the way. 

And write up the TT later.

Short story, I'm still slow. Just maybe not as slow as last year. And there's more fitness depth in my legs.

Good signs. Hopefully a week in paris won't wreck them. But man walking around today HURTS. Legs are worked the fuck over.

Time to pedal home. 

Fingers crossed for a tailwind.

heddwch
G

 Emotionally and stressfully.

There are many things I don't do well. Planning? I am good at planning, committing to very expensive shit with lots of variables and unknowns I am not. No wonder my dad stuck to a very deliberate and simple plan. Drive everywhere, choose locations well, don't fly, preserve habit as it life depended on it. 

Syl said something yesterday that rung true through this process:
“Goals are not just about the making it to the destination.  More importantly are the accumulation of the experiences while you are  heading to toward that destination!”

A goal, a very high goal might or might not have been reached, not by me but by someone who has had an embargo placed on announcing that goal.

This finally precipitated a cascade of expenditures that have blown my mind. but on par with this whole me doing the new bike thing and that other thing.

The thing I mentioned on the 22nd? The whole saga of not knowing the camera was available until it wasn't available? 

Got an email on Monday saying, well, saying it was shipped. IN STOCK AND ON THE WAY.

And of course I have no lens for it. What to choose? Go full high roller and get the ultimate 16-50 lens? Limit myself with the 50-300 telephoto (85-460 in a 35mm equivalent)? That limit is tough, I did spend time with the 85 on the Pentax spotmatic and it is awesome but it is also not the best for landscape. 

Both are awesome PLM lenses tho. the 50-300 is approachable in cost, but the scope is narrow. Sure would be great for long distance shots of sporting events like rowing. But while really important to me, i think perhaps maybe that's not the best goal for a pure monochrome camera. If I decide to really totally lose my mind and get the color body, maybe that lens would be a good second. Oh also probably should get a pancake lens, maybe the nice low profile 40. But one thing at a time. There is a middle ground lens. 20-135zoom. Not the same focus motor, not the same fastness as the 16-50 but 1/3 the price and is still water resistant (like the body) and weather sealed and a bit more flexible than either. So finally with help/advice/counsel from one friend I value tremendously i pulled the trigger on that middle lens. Have not ordered filters yet. Might need a good ND filter set, esp given how sensitive the camera is.

First up though is getting familiar with it. I do need to finish up the roll in the Leica. Still have the two rolls of the Rollei film and the one JCH. But the JCH can be saved for special shooting, or once i'm done with one Rollei. I have a feeling I'm going to be shooting less film soon. And that's okay, and it will be pretty fucking cool to compare the two, they are very different. V E R Y different and I think that's okay and while it might cut down on the number of rolls of film i'm shooting, it'll be okay.

Oh and then there's the bike. ordered a pile of new shit for it. Went with more expensive bottle cages than I've ever bought but resisted going fully crazy with the highest level but they should still match pretty well. Ordered some Kydex sheeting to make some hand molded protective coating for chainring area and shoe and disc brake potential contact area. Will have to hand mold that stuff but Ben says don't skip it. New helmet, SO MUCH CRAZY. 

And most of all, Thank you Daddy. You were hella stingy with financial help before you died, and part of that means we've got a few extra dollars to act like spoiled children acquiring new toys or putting new roofs on or new septic systems in or traveling to the UK (not me) or following your lead and sticking it in a CD. 

Anyway, it is short lived, uncomfortable enough not to be come a habit once the small estate disbursement is exhausted, but very much appreciated. Would be absolutely insane if this was the norm. I guess that's how most of my cohort live. Certainly by observation those who aren't lacking are doing well. 

back to work.

Oh this: