This kind of falls right in line with part 5 from Rob Warner's series that I posted yesterday.

last night I rode the bike - and then with intention took some photos, with a camera and a shutter, not a computational phone thing... 

like i said the connection is not surprising or novel but it is kind of my intersection

and yeah, I really need to get back to working on my talk for next week...

 A few minute watch, but worth it. 

very well done

It resonates strongly. 

 This past 7 days of being under the weather have tweaked my plans for the weekend. I'm not super stoked about the drive up to race for a day at NoHo so, as much as I feel not great about missing it, it feels like the right decision to skip it this year. And no, it isn't because I'm eligible for the 55+ race. And HOLY SHIT 55+? ME? Fucks sake. 

I miss riding in the woods, and I'm not feeling 100%, and I'm still not excited about getting in the car for that long and yeah I dunno. 

It is what it is and I have a massive keynote talk at the end of next week and I need to be prepared for it and it looks like I'll need both time this weekend to work on it and also need to not be recovering from both a drive and a race and losing a whole day is too much right now. Unfortunately.

So clinic tonight, hang out and then maybe hit Dirt Church this weekend.

This is long but good, Rob's kind of somewhat tolerable but it is also helpful stuff, and interesting to go through and watch.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDqr0_W5ocs&list=PLA_5Y7t0uPgi_KAIOo38Z8LFCgoohyIIP

anyway, take care - i was going to write more but got distracted and only have managed to get back to this now hours late.

ride bikes, do good, be good, give a shit about others, you know, the important shit

heddwch
G

 I know it has been a while since i wrote anything here and that's not great. And maybe I'll have more of a chance to catch up. Today I should have done that but I was not doing that it seems. Until now.

So since the last recap I did Dirty Smackdown, then went and did the Cider Donut Hundo and that was really really hard and since most of you caught bits about it on Strava, well, you know what happened and how long it took. I still haven't finished that roll of film in the camera. Need to push to do that, at least to see if I got any decent photos, probably not but fuck it lets find out.

So then I went to Housatonic and took photos of the women's team and that was great, and fun, and a LOOOOOONG day. Then I decided, fuck it lets get up the next day and race at 10:30 am and 3:30pm. Brilliant move. Oh and with the impending Nor'easter (that was kind of a dud in the end). Check and check. Then hit Under the lights at NBX wed night. THEN got up early Friday and Saturday and Sunday and drove to Boston, rode the garbage truck around everywhere with a backpack full of cameras taking photos of the women's team champ boats during rigging and practice, then of course there was the 2hr+ drive home, edit all the photos, upload the photos, get up and do it all again Saturday for the club 8 race and then Sunday for the champ 8 race. Finished editing the color photos on Sunday night around 11:30pm or so, was up editing early Monday, got the black and white uploaded over lunch. Was tired. Fucked toasted. Headed to Wed night Under the Lights and started feeling off, bike felt good. Did some turning, lowered the tire pressure, bike feeling better and more comfortable now. But as I felt off I dialed it back. 

Then thursday my nose wouldn't stop running and I was sneezing...  not the 'vid, probably an RSV or other cold. All in the head/sinuses. 12hr Mucinex FTW! Got stuff done yesterday but took it easy. Was hoping I'd wake up feeling great and could make it out for Dirt Church but nope...  tired. Not achy but in retrospect holy shit I pushed myself HARD for three+ weeks straight. And then of course work got extra busy all of a sudden, and that's great but also, timing? Ooof. So yeah. I Dropped kid off at book club put gas in the car saw my brother and his dog and got some fresh eggs. And came home and didn't really do anything.

Eventually I turned on the laptop and posted the photos from the half frame photowalk day on instagram and submitted my three photos for the contest, not that I think they are winners but so there's something to make the rest of the submissions look good.

On top of next week being extra crazy I have to put together a keynote speaker talk for the 7th. I've know about it since august, have ideas, been working on format and subject for it but since it isn't a purely research talk I need to lean heavily on material that doesn't exist anywhere outside my own head. Not a problem, the whole talking for 50 minutes thing. But I'd like it to be good and concise and keep everyone awake between 3-4pm on a friday. Hell *I'll* have to work hard to stay awake for it, mostly because I have to get there for 8am and that's not going to be a ton of fun on a Friday morning.

Funny, it took sitting down here and doing a quick post to realize just how hard I've been pushing it physically, and no fucking wonder I picked up something. It is lingering but with luck I'll feel better for the CX clinic I'm doing at NBX this Wednesday.

At least if I constantly smell like raw garlic people will stay away from me and are unlikely to get sick. 

Oh and hey, if you do one of those home test kits? You know the ones we used to have to use all the time? C is the control, not Covid, so if there's only one line and it is the C? Yeah, all good, no need to freak out. DAMHIK.

The photo thing though...  was reflecting after the weekend, after editing 1500 photos, it somewhat attenuates my compulsion to shoot more and more. I had a really good burst of creativity leading up to the Head of the Charles weekend. Now? Def a slump not unlike the one after NCAAs in June.

So creative slump plus sick for the first time since maybe 2023 or 2024 when I came back from seattle with that horrible RSV that took weeks to go away...Or was that longer ago? Might have been 22 or 21 even? Oh well. It was a good run and the MASSIVE crowds this weekend certainly set me up for picking something up, esp mixed with not nearly enough rest, too much caffeine and stress, mental and physical. 

Here's to hoping it clears up soon and all that stuff.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

 support or share or promote the newletter service that has the initials SS because, well, quite literally they are fans of...  well I probably don't need to draw the lines any closer together.

That all said, for some unknown reason Mike F has been putting stuff up there:
https://open.substack.com/pub/thegrimyhandshake/p/no-excuses-no-free-ride

And this one is good. Saturday actually, same thing. You guys serviced it and now it is flat (pinch flat) must have been something you did. No, you just railed something hard on the very first ride after service.

Allegedly. Who knows. That's the beauty of JRA and the customers.

That end bit - $5 for a 4 dollar tube and keep the change...  it is crazy how basically nothing has changed in the bike world since Mike's column dropped 30 years ago.

Dirt Smack tonight, not sure I'm up for it but fuck it, lets go for a ride.

heddwch
g

I've raced CX.

I've survived smackdown.

I've ridden the thursday night shop ride.

I've been commuting. 

I've been taking photos.

I've done the training to get access not only to the creative studio but also the equipment checkout.

I've been thinking about process.

I've worked hard not to be dismayed, depressed, forlorn.

I'm working to remind myself I'm here, now, I can't change what has happened, I can only go forward.

 ...shit

I certainly have dropped the ball on keeping up with the web logging. There's been a good heap of stuff that's happened since.

Birthday ride (a great one) and oddly a birthday week that didn't suck as much as usual, wasn't as bad as it usually is. Weird.

But it has been busy, not just with apocalyptic dread and bullshit happening globally, but maybe that's put a bit of a damper on my dourness. The photowalk and world wide half-frame photography day was a fantastic distraction and a great bump of creativity. Getting in some decent riding. Only just barely getting dropped on Pine now, although Hillside is still my nemesis, kind of always has been hasn't it. Go figure.

Thinking about doubling up with CX on Sunday just because. Yes it is a dumb idea but fuck it, why not? Maybe even go all the way to New Haven on back to back weekends.

Proof of life post. I'm running late again this morning but that's mostly because I fired up the laptop for a few work issues and started and then got caught up in it all. So lets call it a few hours of WFH. 

I think i'm going to do the whole commute separate and come home and drop bag and swap bikes, the added warm up and 14 extra miles seem to help. 

So it looks like I might get to two CX races and a cider donut hundo before the head race season starts and I jump back into trying to do a good job documenting the team. fingers crossed for the good light.

More later perhaps

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

 And with it more broken shit.

This time the crank. There was a problem with setting up the cranks on the new bike. The bottom bracket shell was wider, just a tiny bit but that spelled bad news. 

I did manage to get the pin in the hole, and that's supposed to be enough for shimano. If that pin goes in the hole there's enough spline engaged to stay on.

I guess unless you're 240# and singlespeeding.

And also forgot that the cranks stay on better at 12nm than 14nm. Not sure it makes sense but it seems to be true. 

And now what? The bike felt great, was riding well, not super fast and I fucked up a few lines here and there. But the brakes worked great, finally, the dropper post stayed up.

and the crank fell off.

180mm is dead and that's not good for me, I discovered that the pain I endured every fucking day starting in 2009 and not ending until January 2019 was because I compromised and put 177.5 cranks on the CX bike. On both CX bikes. 

Riding the Crossrip? Even worse. 175s on there...  Not only did the crossrip add to my girth and weight gain because it made getting to work both easier and faster but it underscored the problem. Granted the shorter time on that bike made a difference. under 30 minutes and it wasn't so bad, longer? yeah, not good.

So now what?

Shimano doesn't make 180s. I wish I had bought more 180 XTs while they still had them in stock.. but I didn't because that was six years ago. I don't think they even make them for the global market anymore.

And the news isn't helping my malaise. Maybe it is what is causing it. 

But hey my mother finally looked at her calendar this past week and realized she will be on the east coast for my birthday, but that's the only day she can spend with her cousin on the island. But I could drive the 4+ hours there through end of summer traffic to be there if I wanted. 

Maybe I should but I don't really want to for another oh btw add-on birthday. That's all that day has ever sort of seemed to be, Oh right it is G's birthday lets hastily add something to the schedule at the last minute while still being focused and absorbed in the other stuff and then make sure to cut it short because there are other things going on.

Lots of emotional baggage there, as y'all probably know. Not sure who or what's been clicking and reading all this stuff more lately, hit counter has gone up, maybe it is the aye eye...

Waves hand all around, the stuff happening out there is kind of not helping either. 

It is a big week for reasons that aren't bad, it is a lot to be happening soon but it is also winding down the 'summer' and this many years of end of summer shit isn't helping. And just when I get the bike back that I really really like riding, after having a mind numbingly great road ride on Saturday the crank falls off and I'm back to being reminded...

of what... dunno...

Feeling adrift a bit, obvs... 

But kind of have to kind of keep moving forward. Amor Fati motherfuckers and all that...

I think maybe I can get the crank to stay on, maybe. If I can find a metal end cap, but I'll try with a new, not stripped plastic one. Although I'm not sure where to test, short of testing in the woods. I don't think commuting with it will give it enough torque to make it fall off. I mean I put it on the last time and it stayed there for the ride out. 

And the rest? It will be what it is. 

At least I finally made it in for the follow up with the ENT about the neck injury. I can expect the swelling to go away in about 4 weeks or so. 

fun stuff

heddwch
G

 Feels very much impostor syndrome to have been asked to contribute an interview to this project, yet they felt it was worth sharing with everyone so, maybe I need to not worry too much and let it be okay.

Can't really do previews here? Maybe I can but fuck it, I'm too tired to.

It was fun answering those questions, going through and picking out some of my favorite shots. lotta of boston.

maybe i need to go back up for a photo walk one of these days. just take the day off and take cameras up on the train and wander, get lunch, just walk? maybe. i dunno i like that idea though.

https://halfframeday.wordpress.com/2025/07/20/meet-the-photographer-geoff-williams/

Give it a read if you want, it is short and the rest of the people interviewed are people I admire and draw inspiration from and look up to (or down on in person)

She's country, she's a fiddle player, she was married to Jason I... now divorced and somehow youtube popped this up in my algorithm in spite of me listening mostly to electronic mixes or watching MTB vidoes... 

No fiddle? but still good... 

And wanting to post this somewhere was what got me writing that last thing but I didn't want to put a video in there with all that.

So here it is

 It kind of looks like shit's been kind of sideways for a while.

And, in reality it has. But it feels almost insignificant given the more ominous shit going on that hasn't quite fully impacted us yet. Is that why this long string of struggles and setbacks haven't buried me lately?

 So another thing on Thursday. I noticed a branch sticking out over the roof while looking out the window upstairs at the roof to see all the stuff accumulating on the lower side. 

Went outside and looked up at the upper roof and holy shit there's an enormous branch that broke out of the neighbor's Norway Maple and it's resting on the house but mostly supported by being caught in the fork of another branch.

Problem is, first the broken end is 8-10" in diameter, second it is 30+ feet long from broken end to the roof, and somewhere close to 30 or so feet up in the air, and 6-8 feet away from the main trunk, IN our neighbor's yard and with the new fence right below it in the drop zone.

Got home Friday night, talked to neighbor, and then went up on the roof to inspect, almost zero damage, just two small dings in the shingle but didn't go through. There were a lot of small branches and they spread the weight out evenly. Ultimately I just started trimming, then was able to gently drop it down to the next roof and then finally it was hanging up above, in the tree.

Got up in the tree (27' ladder fully extended, then me climbing out of the ladder into the tree another 2-3' above the ladder and it was at eye level with me finally, so call it 35-38' up in the air. Managed to secure a loop of webbing around it anchored to the main trunk of the tree incase it decided to fall, at least it wouldn't crash down and smash stuff. It was f'n heavy.

Chainsawed and handsawed as much as I could to remove as much weight as possible, one kind of sketchy move had the chainsaw a wee bit closer to my face than comfortable but no injuries sustained, and left it for the night. Climbing up and down to the ladder in the dark is less scary than in the daylight btw. 

But holy shit i was wrecked after all that. Slept like crap partly because I got home and just started in on that on Friday and didn't stop till 9pm and skipped dinner. Ate a few things but not enough, slept like crap, tried to sleep in but that didn't work, went to get a pole saw, got back at it, eventually got it on the ground without damaging the fence or getting hurt in the process. Cut up the branch, filled the leaf barrels full and there's still another couple barrels worth full for yard waste pickup and wrapped up at 4pm totally wiped out. 

Then I went for a mt bike ride on Sunday, slept not great but better (thanks naproxen) and Wahoo battery was too dead to turn on so I didn't have actual HR data or the full distance, but wow was that hard, legs and arms and everything was just wrecked but it was good to be out there. And there's no giant branch on the roof still. But somehow I will be recovered for Smackdown tomorrow? I don't know how that's going to work. That said maybe not the worst to miss it. They are headed  back to the East Course. Last time they rode it the whole group got pulled over by the RPD because they kept running a stop sign and the neighbor has been calling and complaining every Tuesday since they put in the 4 way stop sign at the Rocky Hill/Homestead intersection. It used to be only stop signs on Rocky Hill, but now, well. This current group of cyclists are a bit leaderless and agro, people are citing the lack of racing and how fast everyone is and how they treat this like a race not a group ride and blah blah blah no one wants to attempt to reign them in or set some ground rules. It becomes a question of if I want to ride with them or not because of all this. That said there's a pretty good chance of rain tomorrow, and I'm not keen on riding in the rain on the road bike right now. Commute? no problem. Maybe the weather will make the choice for me tomorrow afternoon. It is also going to be hot AF again tomorrow. 

Tuesday are now the hot days? 

Well we'll see. Just gotta keep plugging along or something.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

 So, the heat broke! YAY

But then it rained, so no TT tonight. BOO

although maybe there's a few folks doing the TT, i'm not keen on riding all the way there on wet roads, racing and then heading back, even if I knew it was confirmed, but seems not to be confirmed and I'm staring at the radar and while maybe the clouds will break up and the rain will stop, it isn't looking likely and maybe if I think it is and go out it won't but if I say home and (I'm staying home) bail, it will part and leave the course dry.

I even made dinner so it would be made for those here at home. Back to not having the house to ourselves again. At least it wasn't a difficult decision on what to make tonight. 

It was 98 actual degrees F on Tuesday for smackdown, it was hot. I was okay but the hills kind of crushed me, and thanks to one of the Johnny's (the older one not the ex-pro) for hanging out with me. The a little younge than this Johnny was just ahead and I easily caught up on the downhill before Chepachet but he put the screws down on Tourletot hill and was going so much faster up that than I was. Must be nice to be 160 pounds instead of 235...  at least for going up hills on a bike.

The heat didn't really bother me, but may have been a factor trying to go harder on the hills. But I got a really good long ride in with some decent efforts and really felt it yesterday. And honestly probably am not recovered enough to ride well at the TT tonight. Even though it is 33 degrees cooler. THIRTY THREE!

That's just crazy,

But to be expected. And man I hope all this important shit some of these idiots think are superfluous can be brought back sooner than later and maybe better than before, but yeah, shit's not getting better is it.

Well, I did take today off so I'd be more rested for the TT, guess I'm just more rested. Will make tomorrow a little easier. 

And sounds like maybe no TT on the 3rd? That would be a bummer but it is what it is.

Remember:

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G 

Post script...  i guess it happened, the TT

should i have risked the wet ride there, well who knows. but i didn't and well here we are, both angry they didn't make the call when they said they would, and for missing it and not getting to ride it for two weeks.

 According to the pocket computer device with internet connection where ever I go so it can monitor me and sell me shit, the temp will be the highest in the last 14 years...

And smackdown is still happening. Because we're brutal masochists or just really not smart? Maybe both.

We'll see. I kind of want everyone to just bail on it so I can, but it is also good chance to level up on the heat adaptation.

When is too warm too warm? Not this in my book at least. But maybe i should change it?

One of the guys in the hall here has nicknamed my Madone "The Batmobile" and, yanno? he ain't wrong. it does look a bit batmobile ish. all flat black and aero and finned and sleek and shit

Then I sit on it. NOT SO AERO ARE YOU NOW

But it is going to be warm... and what's the heat w/o some Robin Williams

So i drink some more water, work on trying to get things running better, keep checking on the resin and hoping it cures soon, all the stuff at once, while sitting here thinking about other random stuff, wondering if i have the copy of Dirt Rag with Batty on the cover. The other periodical I subscribed to just as it closed down. Kind of like when I finally re-upped the sub to BIKE only to have it fold then restart as BETA then poof. Gone. Been doing this for a long time.

This writing here, this riding bikes in the heat.

Yesterday I walked outside and was immediately transported to Southern PG County MD circa 1981-1986 in August. And it was a good thing, a good memory for a change. Got me wondering, and thinking, did my step mother know we were all a bit not normal? Is that what drew her to my dad, his not normalness? She was a strong advocate for testing for the twins, and that gave them the advantages of having their unique brain wiring accomodated. At least for one of them, me? I was just the shy weird 'smart' awkward quiet one? Or was I? I mean I was, and still am. Pretty clearly on one spectrum or another. I have to remind myself I'm not like a lot of people, but there are a lot of people like me. But we're all different and well, you know. Stuff. It just struck me as maybe the only adult who *might* have recognized the specific variety of my difference might have been my step mom. And that's kind of sad in some ways. I know my mother never understood me, was always as 100% frustrated by me as I was by myself and completely unable to figure me out, still I think maybe that way. But she still loves me and that's enough? Right? Dangerous road to travel here on...

Best jump back into focusing on the heat, back to drinking some more water, maybe finish this last bit of super salty pizza to help with the sweating. 

Check the stavas, lets see what happens

heddwch
G

 And did a Time Trial. 

Missed the first two. Didn't quite match last years shockingly consistent numbers but I absolute dead nuts rode the same time as the first time I did the TT on the Madone.

21:03

Crazy. Also because Stava is giving everyone a 'hey try out premium on us' instead of my normal Lap screen, I had LIVE SEGMENT screen on the headunit at the start and it was NOT a helpful datafield. 

No speed, just times. And a pace indicator. Um DUH yeah I'm going to be going way under my fastest time ever (18:24) that was 12 years ago and 40 pounds lighter on a full aerobar bike. Sure the bike was heavier but net maybe 35-38 pounds lighter is kind of a big factor, esp on those little bits of the course that point ever so slightly or very slightly uphill.

Last time i set that time mark i was wiped out, tired, this time undertrained (fresh yeah right) and riding blind. How was my pacing? I don't know. But I started getting a bit light headed from the effort at the last little rise before the downhill and up and turn onto Reynolds. I backed it off on the downhill and tried to recover enough but felt a little flat from there on out. No one caught me, that was a shock. I did catch and pass Goldberg and Sutton's kid. Do I have more? I think maybe so. I really should lower the bars/slam the stem, and lose a few pounds and ride my bike more than just on the commute. Or just pedal harder.

Pedal harder, yeah. That's what the plan is.

Maybe smackdown even. Although it is supposed to be 100 degrees on Tuesday and yesterday I was giving the bike a sweat shower and it was only in the mid-80s. 

At least the fun part of the strava bonus content is I can see all the times and last year was kind of crazy consistent. Faster than right now but also maybe i was riding more? I think I was, can't really have been riding less.

Okay it is late, I had planned to head home early, and here it is not early. 

Hitting the dirt this weekend hopefully, maybe I'll plan to take thursday off next week too. It was kind of nice having a day at home to just recover/relax and while I did try and failed to get tires on the black blue (got a flat, attempted to put some conti 25s on someone had give me but they wouldn't go on, so i put the black mamba, worn out but light and fine for road on with tubes and well, rear tube got a flat. Maybe pinched from trying to get the conti on (it won't work on that rear asym rim) or something sharp was stuck to the dried sealant on the inside of the casing. 

Because of that and not wanting to ride the big orange surly today i overbiked and rode the Madone to work. Put the camera bag on the top tube even.

time to get change and roll out though...  into the heat and the wind.

remember:

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

 Trying to figure out how to get a high intensity athlete with anxiety and stress issues to eat more because not eating makes anxiety and stress worse but also doing it in a way that wont cause more of either, like bringing up the dangers of REDs

Appetite is tricky and learning that someone effectively hit an eating disorder from you is kind of devastating. 

Recognizing and being in tune with what I'm saying and the words I'm communicating, thinking about how they might be interpreted and treading cautiously is a lot of work.

I'm not nearly well enough equipped to do this remotely but I have to figure out how to help and empower... and all i want to do is head over there and help directly but that's not going to work either.

I should probably delete this, and likely will. Not nearly cryptic enough is my thinking.

Food is a tough one.

But if you're one of the few reading this, can you let me know what your high calorie, appetizing, easy to prepare meals are? The go to foods you make/eat when your appetite is gone and you just need to eat something?

 Was digging up Mike F's pure sweet hell quote...

found this

https://www.gewilli.com/2015/12/vision-quest.html

I don't know that it was the Vision Quest I had hoped. 

Maybe though? I met Claire and got to know Megan, both of whom (with a few others but w/o this trip their influence wouldn't have been there and maybe I wouldn't be here now) were essential in my path to finding sobriety. 

It was a tough trip. The race? The best part of it was the photo drinking a beer on the hill in the Single speed race. There were lots of insanely dark and low moments. There were moments of absolutely high joys of gratitude.

Now, coming up on 10 years later? 

it was decidedly more net negative than positive but also important and i wouldn't be here without that experience.

but then one can say that about every experience...

we are where we are now because of what we've gone through, and it is more important what we do going forward with reflection on where we've been that demands the focus.

reflection is good, in only so much as you can use it to inform your next choice

Steph is right

And Anastasia was more of a therapist than a coach, and I needed that then and carry that through now.

I gotta go back up to a meeting with important people talking about important things and try not to eat too much more food. As always.

heddwch
G

 https://www.gewilli.com/2023/06/click-i-get-it.html

all the search terms didn't get this one, why?
because #3

why? I don't know. Maybe seat post on the Top Fuel is wonky? Or the Madone has slipped a little? Or the Surly has? 

Or it has nothing to do with the bike.

Back has been low grade fucked up too. Why? I blame not riding the Stache (SSMTB) there's something theraputic about riding it and I haven't. Brakes yeah.

I did order new pads for it (and a set for the road bike just to have them) yesterday. So hopefully I'll be riding it soon.

But I also did make an appointment to see the doc tomorrow for a minor adjustment/release. Hope that helps.

Lots going on. So much driving over the last few weeks. Three trips to NJ in the last six weeks or so. Thousands of photos taken this season, 500 or so left to edit (all from Sunday).

Drama for the kid, she was in the 1V boat all season, but got pulled for some bullshit reason after being seatraced 9 times and finally being so mentally and physically tired that she lost by a second, that or the rest of the boat was more fatigued and was why, hard to say but she went from being in the NCAA winning national champ boat to the 2V and she's really really still pretty gutted about it, but working to move on. It is tough. She made the other boat better, no question, but that doesn't change the fact that she missed out on the top step AGAIN. And that's tough as a parent. Is it a good life lesson? I don't know. 

We'll see. There was one other change the coach made and that might have been the key, the new cox was more vocal, aggressive, demanding and terrifying, and you sometimes (they esp) need to have someone trigger that fear/adrenaline/fight or flight response needed to get the extra bit of speed and some cox are better at that than others, and sometimes that's the only difference in speed.

It was a good weekend though, as a team, photo wise I think i was mostly successful. 

I'm too wrecked to try and hit smackdown tonight, not to mention the back spasm is preventing me from taking a full breath. Although the Naproxen is keeping the pain manageable.

It is tough, but the trade off is worth it for now. Kid is home for a few days before going to train and prep for going to worlds.

And I have more shit to do. I'll work on more normal blogging and less microblogging. TT starts on Thursday but I don't think I'm going to be ready for an all out attempt this week, kind of would rather be home making dinner for the kid and hanging out

Heddwch

G

 45°F and raining like hell with a headwind.

Quite the commute. Almost feeling like I'd prefer a 90°F day and sun at this point. Might need to finally acquire a raincoat for the camera

 I've been busy

which is good

things are settling down

which might not be good

but is also good, for now, to recover

boss had a serious shit is bad chat this morning

news isn't really getting better obvs

shit really is about to hit the fan

one of the industry companies let 50 sales reps go, these are highly skilled PhD with a vast amount of product and customer knowledge that aren't there anymore and that is only one company

I did get out for Greasy Joes final edition yesterday. It was good. DB and I cut a few loops off because it was the right call. It was still not easy but we finished up on some single track and it was good. Carried the proper amount of water and food and generally was very good ride.

Other than the front basically going flat and me barely holding on to control on a downhill. Pumped it up and it held the rest of the day. Fortunate to have the cush core pro 29 in there, big fat protection. Moved see a few mm back because lower back was getting sore and that almost immediately fixed the problem. Miraculously feeling fine, if a little tired.

Didn't sleep great or quite enough but not as bad as it could be. 

After smackdown last week my legs feel like they are coming around, so it is encouraging. Had talked with JC about doing a Wed night ride but left the ball in his court to see if he wanted to make it happen, it didn't happen. 

Weather this weeks makes it look like a recovery/rest week. 

Finished the Iron Druid series and loved it but also very sad that it is over, the characters and the dogs and, just everything, was such a perfect and humorous escape. Digging into some Ian Banks RN.

But wow today started off not terrible. I was able to get to work in a break in the rain, dog only woke me up at 5:40am... yet stuff...  *waves hand around* continues to get worse and worse. As we all predicted and said it would but NOOOO you're wrong it won't be that bad. I had about as much influence then as I do now to help fix things, zero. So what can I do, only what I can do.

Yesterday on the bike, it was warm, but it was good. we were riding. 

take care of yourselves.

heddwch
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 This stuff going on? Different? yeah. Worse? Maybe.

Hard to disentangle and categorize levels of evil absolutely personally incomprehensible.

Spent a week in Seattle area visiting family and not really doing much else. Went shopping a couple times, very deliberate trips, nothing just to do something. Went for lots of walks, took a ton of shitty photos and some okay ones, some not bad, Still have two rolls of film from the trip to develop and one bit in the camera to finish off.

There were good parts of the trip, some challenging parts. A friend person that life's been getting in the way of actually seeing IRL, someone who I'd secretly (too secretly i guess) hoped would land that full time gig they had interviewed for and start working while i was there but then didn't and I didn't follow up because I have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old apparently (or I maybe i was just hoping the same magic as the last few times would work and they'd be employed). And hence the strike through.

But that's really how it goes, become friends, I do something someone can't understand because they don't want to understand or are using it as an excuse to not interact with me anymore and then all the flashbacks of former friends come through my head because that's how I'm wired. 

It is my life, it is my path it is what I know. Nothing else to say.

Trip was good, red eye home wasn't terrible but was pretty tough adjusting to Sunday after only 3hrs of sleep and then the dog being kind enough to let me sleep till 6 (M), and then 5:45 (Tu) and then 5:40 (W) and today? Thursday? 4 fucking 40 am.

Millie, I love you, you brilliant smart 14.5 year old mutt with bad teeth and terrible breath and a $100/month injectable drug that lets you move more easily habit, but FFS this morning was a bit much. I went back to sleep, slept through my alarm and woke up late and got to work late in the heavy rain on the commute. At least it was a tailwind.

Tuesday morning was actually kind of helpful in that I discovered the rear tire on the Madone was flat. And the sealant had dried up over the last 18 months. Chain needed waxing too and I had the new mini-crockpot to fill with wax, SOOOO I recharged both the front and rear tires with fresh sealant, and melted the bag of wax, dipped the chain, put the melted wax in the baby crock and got ready for smackdown.

Bike ready. Me? Still running on not enough sleep, what could go wrong. Tons of walking while out there, generally two and once three trips to the beach, a trip up and down a 200' elevation difference trail in a short distance (check strava if you want to see the full details of the trail).

Rolled out of IPP but the big crew rolled from the parking lot not the usual spot, okay. Got to JPs. There were too many riders to count. And that's awesome, and they are all faster than me, also awesome. For them. Big A group took off as we crossed Pawtucket Avenue and strated down 152. A big group. Then the B group settled with Graham on the front and Liam (insanely fast Junior) next to him, and then a handful of really fit and fast folks behind them, smooth and experienced fast folks mind you, crazy spaz fast guys all were in the A group.

Graham started off (check the strava if you want specifics)  pretty fast, 24-26 right off the bat, and when My HR started to climb in to the red sitting in the draft, I looked over at Burke and he had the same feeling, yeah no. So we formed the Regoup B group. except with no leadership. Steady As (that's what I'm calling Graham's group) just kept flying ahead eventually whittling down to 6 riders. A smackdown TT with Graham leading the whole way, basically. okay if that's what you can do and what you want to do, I seem to need a bit more recovery than going the same watts up and down and flat and where ever, esp since the power number I need to hold any time it goes up is too far about my threshold to sustain.

Maybe I'll get better? Maybe we just need to start a fresh old school smackdown on Wed or something.

The second group we were in kind of was a bit of a mess, stayed in a double paceline for a while, then it went single file, but the group stayed together until just at the top of Rocky Hill, I couldn't match the final acceleration and got gapped, Burke looked back and hung out and we tried to chase back on up Carpenter but eventually lost sight. They were right there on the left hand turn and if they'd soft pedalled we'd have gotten back on but as it was, nope. Burke and I rode the rest of the way home together, we were chasing for a bit but eventually just rode home. It was good to be out there, and legs were as expected, not great after 7ish days off the bike. But potentially better than expected.

I slept well, didn't cramp up Tuesday night, but oof last night I had a few good ones, a hamstring cramp and then early morning an adductor. 

Bike was good, chain was stiff on the way to work and the rain had just moved through tuesday morning so the Madone is now filthy. 

This morning was another rainy ride, but there was a good tailwind so not terrible other than being wet.

I had a handful of other things I really wanted to get down but this has already taken three brief moments to get this far. Probably can tell. 

Maybe I'll get the rest out of my head soon.

Heddwch
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 Saw this yesterday, was good. Good enough to get me grooving and moving.

About yesterday...

I was a few minutes late.

Tire held air though. But I ran it at 22PSI which is 3 PSI higher than usual and that is a big difference in traction and I slipped once going up Don's Up and In and spun the rear wheel and went down pretty hard.

Dropper post is still kind of fucked up. Oil in there. Factory says yeah, do the cleaning brake removal. need the tool for that though, at the least just the brake tool. 

Rode the Madone today. These hoods are way too small. Feel puny. I'd love it if there was a set with the same size and shape of the old 10sp 105 hoods. Would be nice if they were just a little big wider. My hands are not catcher mitts but they are a wee bit bigger than most. 

As much as I want to get the Stache sorted, I also want this to work so I can have legs on Tuesdays but still get in the woods. 

Too much to do and then I fly to seattle.

Well, it is a Monday. Do what you can to be kind, take care of those around you

Heddwch
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 Been thinking, looking, reading up a tiny bit. Adrenaline rush can be good but mine? Not good. When triggered from the 'fear' place vs angry place vs sad place vs action/athlete vs thrill place it is different.

Ways to deal with it, get regular exercise, at least 30 minutes a day. That's FUNNY (already do). Limit screen time, tough one but on the whole I do spend quite a bit of time not in front of screens, of if they are they are pretty far away (I have long arms and my eyes still work) there's a low % of that light vs the rest, but then again nearly all the artificial lighting I'm around is LED. So that probably isn't good.

One of the things is to cut back on coffee or tea, aka caffeinated beverages. And that got me reflecting about the last time I was having this many panic attacks/spontaneously triggered Adrenaline rushes. Michigan, driving back and forth, not getting much exercise, drinking too much coffee.

That dawning reality is two fold. One, for self preservation I need to remove myself from the stimulus that is causing the overactive adrenaline to rush my system. That is physiologically bad. My situation might be unique, it probably is, it certainly seems to be an outlier from my limited sampling of people.

The other? I probably could/should cut back on coffee to make it a bit easier maybe. Until I can find a better response to seeing a fucking headline or hearing about some absolutely evil shit happening, that I can't do anything about.

Haven't made a pot of coffee at work today. I will need more but maybe I'll make just a few cups. This coffee maker I have doesn't have to be filled up to the brim to work. IT WILL make a small amount of coffee. I think, I've never tried. 

Lets see what happens. But holy shit, I could really stand to not have a panic attack/adrenaline flush dozens of times a day.

And when they happen as I'm trying to fall asleep? That's bad. Like being away for hours bad.

Gotta do what we can each do. Keep doing this job, keep helping people, keep doing good and creating a safe space for those around me, keep making art to keep my sanity.

I should take a walk before lunch eh? bring the camera. I need to finish up the roll in the Half Frame. Been trying a few double exposures with it. A pretty stock effect but hopefully one that works at least for one frame. I'll take a low success rate for this.

Just kind of wish it was a little warmer. 

Hell has certainly frozen over!

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
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 I  had thought of one for this, but all I remember is that I thought of one.

Not what it is.

Processing and moving forward. I'm still working hard at dealing with it all. There's a good long list of not cool shit everyday. Just when you thought it couldn't get worse it does. And it is a struggle.

Those who can make change, impact policy, really do need our support more than ever. So that's one very concrete thing you can do, thank them and keep the pressure on to do whatever they can, even if it is limited. They are in a position to garner media attention, protests and gatherings and demonstrations are easy to not cover for the national news and in part the national news controlling the local stuff. 

And maybe I remember what the title was...  Outlier.

 I can't even take seeing the headlines anymore. 

Was talking to Pete at Fuller's Speed Shop (coffee - I can give you history on the name a different time - trying to stay on track) after watching CX World's with the 1PVD folks today.

Pete mentioned how growing up we all kind of planned for the apocalypse, you know, mad max shit, waterworld, all that. Realizing now as older adults, it fucking sucks to get to that point, you have to survive a lot to make it to that survival side of things and well, there's a lot of people and it will be pretty cataclysmic here soon is my guess. But maybe not? Maybe all these vocal cheerleaders, will be right and it will be even better in the end.

Photos. Full bore into making art right now. Doing my job. Taking care of people around me, being there for them.

That's what I can do. 

May we all get through this.

Till then, I'm going to see if I can improve on my skills, and get a better mastery of the film.

Just a short blurb. Hoping to get out in the woods tomorrow after watching the CX race. 

Gotta keep that back strong, who knows what I'll need to do next.

Heddwch

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One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothing can beat teamwork.

 title is a riff on a thought I've been having, how IG has tied up small businesses completely as a place for them to contact customers, FB less so but also so, twitter was similar and some still try to use it like that. 

Social media marketplace or a way of keeping in contact in the current situation we're in. 

but it seems that the influencer thing is failing, but maybe only because I've completely tuned it out? Sure I pop up some stuff with the nordic pocket saw but that's a balanced relationship, we're both benefiting, although they haven't had any amazon returns come back to me in a while, good in that maybe no one is returning stuff, or also good in that they are selling more direct... 

Rise and fall of other stuff. Fitness, health more specifically.

Almost put together a short post on the microblog site of choice as of late but thought better of it. 

Last week was huge. Even for in shape me. 8 days in a row, heavy AM headwinds, bitter cold, three days in the woods on the MTB. Saturday I woke up dizzy again, ears a bit stuffed, balance fucked. Still went riding in the woods. But holy shit i was tired. 

Saturday proceeded to wear me down, tired as fuck, still pulled off dinner. Plans to drive to CT Sunday were suddenly questionable. Woke up much the same as the day before, but more tired. Opted to stay home, to really work on doing very little. Monday woke up better but similar, light dizziness, tired. Took it slow, but while tired not feeling as bad. Woke up this morning almost normal. Tired but barely any dizziness.

Kind of like what I had around Lowell. 

Last week I also added two 2k meter rows. Second one not an easy one. I had planned to get on in this morning. Wanted to, it seems to be paying some benefits, definitely helping my back and the added intensity and strength isn't a bad thing. BUT. As much as I wanted to it seemed a much better idea to recover more completely. To pause and maybe tomorrow or thursday get back on for a quick tune up.

Been getting a few photos here and there, want to take more but haven't had a chance to go for a walk outside. 

I'd like to go check on the gallery install process, a piece I submitted is going in the group show here at work, a show for staff. I'd like to just go for a walk. I'd like to ride over to get a photo of the old sunken crane on the navy barge in the port before it gets removed (i guess they are going to start doing that this week).

I'd like to find something to occupy and distract this overwhelming feeling of fear and worry and concern with the direction things are headed. 

I'd like to find the time and space to be better rested, not always two big rides away from making myself sick or disfunctional from fatigue. 

I'd like a lot. But will have to settle and make due with what I can. And that's going to be okay.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

 Went to leave. 

All dress, helmet on, jacket on. about to roll out and I went to start the watch, or at least begin the process of trying to find a GPS signal.

"LOW BATTERY"

well fuck

oh, I never saved this morning's ride. Well shit lets do that.

1% battery.

Take jacket, helmet and glasses back off.

Plug in watch.

Now what.  It was already later than I had planned to leave. But what is another few minutes anyway.

Haven't been the most productive today. It'll change soon enough. I did tick some major boxes so there is that.

Trying something new and it isn't working great. So ya know with the phones and stuff, they are great at playing games? Stupid games, time wasting ones. Yeah. those. You're probably not the type to play smash the sugar, I did a few phones ago, and a tablet a while back. But one thing I did was when I got a new phone I stopped playing that one, even though I was stratospherically high in the ranking at that time. Why play them? I don't know. Addicting. Anyway, so new phone, left game on old phone, was playing on old phone. Great. Carry two phones play games on one, no games on new one. Good plan.

Then I dunno if I missed a low battery notification or it just bricked itself but the old phone screen went black and has been dead/unresponsive since. Plug in? Nope. Hold buttons to do hard reboot? Nope. Dead Jim. DED

Now what? well i logged into the one game, but it was different, notifications and interactions all completely different and ... I just closed it and haven't opened it since. But what to replace it with? I have an old solitare game, playing that. 

Not sure. Really need to NOT do anything and actively reclaim the time. But I think that maybe is a process, and the one thing I can do is NOT get hooked on anything. Play random doodle things, solitare. I dunno. Work on the photos. Take pictures. Really anything I suppose.

It isn't easy. Habits aren't easy. But I guess I've quit other stuff. But I had health incentives, this one kind of calms my brain but I guess I need to find something else that does that too.

Maybe I need to open up the weblog thing and write anytime I think I want to play a game. Get back into that habit. Blue sky place has been good. Too good maybe. With the new changes at the face place conglomerate I kind of just want to nuke all of those accounts...  but that's not quite on the cards just yet. I did delete my threads account, joining that was a mistake. I don't really use FB but you can see over here on the side - i do use IG and well... shit I like it as a place to share with people who are only there.

Ah well. Watch is up to 61%. Quick bathroom stop and then heading home, only a few minutes later. Glad this thing charges so quickly. Wish it held a charge longer but it does the job it needs to do.

Now here's to hoping there's enough juice in the headlight battery, i DIDN'T charge that today.

heddwch
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