SAINTGUITARDED!

Two.

tidal waves rip right through me.
tears from eyes worn cold and sad.
pick me up now,
but i do not need you anymore.

ONE.

this blog is actually long dead but right now, i feel there is a need to post an entry for myself. i'm done with my poly and frankly speaking, i miss poly life tremendously. firstly it was partly due to the friends i had and secondly, at least when it comes to revision for exams or test, there are some past year papers for you to revise to at least make you feel "secure" when you are heading for a test.

so right now i'm in my uni life. to be honest, uni life really sucks. it does. it sucks to the bone. it eats your normal routine. i really hate how uni is changing my life. i know i may sound very stubborn but this sudden change is crazy, especially when your uni is in a very fast pace like mine. started school on aug, midyr exams ended sep and end of oct is my final exams. tremendous speed.

i've been sulking about uni life recently. i hate and felt disgusted about how education system works in singapore. it focuses so much on a piece of paper. i darnoe whether should i blame on fate or everything else. i've been having lotsa WHAT IFs in my mind recently but the one that i came very close which my uni life screw me up was the change of course structure.

i remembered before entering uni, i was considering 2 courses which are marketing and business management, i took marketing cause it says 2.5 years of duration so like durh of course i will take it, but then a month ago, my uni announced that business management will have a change of programe structure which induced to 2 years. screw me up and screwed me bad enough.

i'm handling modules which i do not know why i study so much and yet the result wasn't to expectation. i thought to myself whether did i study wrongly, well maybe. but even how wrong it was at least i should have the lowest expectation for it. i chat with one of my schoolmate back in secondary school, his now in his uni life as well. i told him that life in uni, you have to study like a dog. like a bitch. he told me that in uni, you just gotta study. that is what you need to do.

i mean how much can a person study? i will remember this so much that i will do a triple consideration of doing a part time masters. for all your life studying, by the time you really "complete" your studies, how old will you be? how much more of your life are willing to let you live on? i'm not saying studies can take forever. but some may even go crazy all because of study.

i reallie do wish someone or somewhere can gimme the light in my uni life. to embrace me and make me understand better in my studies. gimme the light. just shine on me. i'm tired and i think i'm having mild depression. i need to stop this and continue studying cause exams are just 3 weeks away. don't do this to me.

HELLO BLOG! YOU'RE SOON TO BE 6 YEARS OLD!

i was reading my past achieves back in the year 2005. gosh that is where i knew my blog is actually coming 6 years old! sheesh! old fart! as old as the user who is me. ._. anyways, i've read quite abit of my past achieves. i was reallie reallie an emo boy back then. it seems most of my post are sad ones. a few are happy and some of it are band stuff. now to think about it, live back then are so much lively than now. maybe cause the process of getting into adult stage is boring. probably when you're young, you tried almost everything you wanted to.

now to think back again during my ITE days, to me it was like a dream. a long dream. until now, i still dont get how a person can take the slightest comment so hardly and just change into someone else and ignore whatever we went through. to answer all of that, the older me, which is now, tells me that i should not be bothered by such attitude or tolerate such bullshit. cause i can say i'm not losing out in any way, that loser own a fucking perverted face. i cant blame him his shitty attitude with that kinda face. i mean who would? to have attitude problem with that kinda face, its 100% understandable.

oh yarh, to a certain girls or maybe just 1, am not interested in your gawddamn stories and the every little shit you post on fb or blog, it doesnt make anyfuckingone envy of you. i hate the way how you see things and understand how certain things and people wanna see you in certain way. you're pathetic. now i understand why you are without your partner. self-obsessed cunt.

back to 1990s.

after spending so much of my time to find a certain music from this game final fantasy 8 ( i seriously do not know why am i finding it's soundtrack), i came to realize how much i missed my younger days where everyone is crazy over playstation games, checking whether is there a cheat for final fantasy games, competing with each other who's gonna complete the game first and all. i really do miss those times. every morning i will on my playstation and just play final fantasy series. both 7 and 8 that is. purchasing their guide book to totally beat the game but as you grew older you somehow overlook at things.

you tend to think about the future most of the time and forgetting the things you used to do during your younger days. is it the culture that we're living in made us this way? i always have this slight envious over kids having their fun among their friends. i remembered staying home alone when i was in primary school was a horror to me. i always have a hard time surviving in the morning, waiting for my dad to come home pick me up to school but always ended up being scolded whenever i requested to go to my granny's place.

have you thought about what i've been always thinking? during our parents time, their parents who are our grandparents now, i darnoe whether is it a trend or a-something-you-should-do kinda thing that they always have this mass production of birth. having a ratio of daughters and sons like 5 : 4. you may think why is there a need to give birth to so many?! i often thought to myself about this matter some times ago. probably back then, standard of living isnt that high which is true but think again, what they did benefit us somehow. i realize having lotsa uncle and relatives is something good. very good to be frank. but now the modern era do not have the privilege of having a mass production due to the standard of living in singapore.

so maybe you can start thinking that your future grandchildren might only have a few uncles and aunties, which is very actually. i can say i'm thankful to be born at the late 80s. to enjoy certain things that i know in the future, you can't have it back again. i seriously think that we humans are too occupied by our daily work. just look at how many years education occupied our lives?! probably 2 decades. thats 1/3 of your life. then by 2/3 will be your live in society and when it comes to 3/3, thats where you meet your maker.

its 330am and am jumping into my bed already.
goodnight and morning.

born again.

i thought it was good.
but you got a whole lotta bullshit.
i don't wanna know and hear about it.
but it's fucking annoying.
the self-boss attitude sucks tremendously.
i wish didn't have to witness it.
cause it's fucking disgusting.

thankyou.

i.

i've notice the alphabet 'i' somehow to me, it stands a very lonely meaning by itself. when people say 'you' or 'we', those alphabets are always accompanied by other letters. let me tell you a little something that i know and i'm experiencing right now.

people might said that they are lonely sometimes. perhaps they got the wrong definition of the world 'lonely'. in general terms of people using it, it means they got no one to talk to or the person they want to talk to is not around or ignoring them. let's take it as your close friend and relative left you. are you lonely now? generally, people will agree on that but i do not. your pet dog passed away and you've got no one to play and talk to and no, you're still not lonely. your partner ditched you in the worst way and you might felt it's armageddon, but why worry? you are not lonely, you still got plans and maybe big opportunity awaiting for you and yes, i still do not agree you are lonely. going through national service maybe time wasting and i always hear complains about almost everything, the superior, the management, the higher ups and your platoon mates, i've been through that and i don't sense any loneliness in any of the situation. if ever you do feel lonely or alone, that's because you haven't been mixing around.

at work, you are stuck at your desk from 9am to 6pm, facing the computer since morning till evening, you might feel bored and lonely because your colleagues aren't clicking with you but believe me, you are not alone and you won't get bored. that's because you haven't know the good and bad side of all your colleagues. mix around, talk with them, ask them about every individuals. you won't feel the same way the next day you're working. trust me, it works. i'm doing my attachment now, one of my close colleague whom i thought i could with till my iap ends, but he got attached out to other place instead. by the time i really felt comfortable talking to him, his already attached out. but am i alone? no i'm not. i still got other colleagues, though they are not as fun as him, that's because i might not know them so well but it's still possible to use them as accompany.

recently i went to greenridge primary school with my colleagues to do some testing of softwares and laptops. it really brings back memories seeing those kids bouncing their own basketballs, getting sweaty due to the hyper in them and carrying the bigger-than-yourself bagpack.so i went in this classroom and there were some scribbling on the whiteboard and i thought maybe it was some kids who play a prank, wrote what they feel like, like what my classmates and i always do in poly (yeah i know, we are students after all. we can't hold back when we see a marker and whiteboard being unattended in the classroom that we're in.). so i ignored it at first but out of curiosity i went to read up and it says, "students who did not do their class duty will stay back 5mins and do it!" i was laughing to myself softly, what is 5mins compared what i went through? when you're a primary school kid, you are afraid of those loud-talking teachers and 5mins means the world to you. when you're in secondary school, students "love" hanging at the detention corner for hours that's because they have to. in poly, you stay back in school till night to mug and do cca but in army, you stay back the whole of weekend doing duty.

so to me, lonely means you are alone and you can't be in contact with anybody. notice the word can't be and not choose not to. it's not a choice and it's not optional. it just happen this way. i've been suffering from my sickness since sunday. first it was a massive cracking headache that i can't shake it off until tuesday morning. then i thought it was over until something worse came today until god knows when it will stop. i experience how this word lonely feels like. i can't be in contact with anybody. i can't entertain my beloved niece, laugh hard with my family and hold my beloved girlfriend's hand. i was at tremendous pain when my throat is going insane with the 2 major virus i had in me. i broke down because the pain won't go away and it's always thursday, the 5th day. i'm depressed about everyhing that is happening to me.

i'm worried, i'm in pain, i just want every of my sickness to stop and let me be myself again. i just don't wanna end it this way, please.

GHOST IN MY HEAD


so seems like it came back and haunt me down when we're gaps away from each other. i'm quite ashamed of it but this time i can't anyone bu the ghost in me. i will make mistakes, i admit that i'm wrong but this time, it's a wrong with no starting point.

so let's go javan, we'll release this damn pressure and kick it to only make it feel better. we won't back down or surrender ourselves to the ghost in us. i won't be scared even if it dangers my emotion. i won't replace my ghost's deathbed. i need no listen to your laying spot. you won't and can't silence me to bury me together with you. i won't back down, i won't fall but to force you out quietly.

if you feel frightened, these 4 words might help you.

just go fuck yourself.

pretty ghost in my head. you lie on your deathbed so beautifully with your eyes sewed shut.
lemme tear them wide so i can almost taste you. you're on a hunt but i'm on prowl. now on your scent, i'll track you down.

i won't walk away from this pain. i will take this pain but not letting myself to be a sacrifice.
bow pretty ghost and be ready cause i'm your god now.