The Checks Mix

looks like a shop-vac attachment

got to have my sweetie by my side for 24 hours straight

no big complications with surgery...except for a mild reaction to the anasthetic which caused major itching and low oxygen.  Some benadryl took care of that

Since our inspiring conference get-away last weekend I've been in tears everyday--and I'm not someone who cries easily.  I would love to say the tears are from recalling all the tender mercies and inspirational messages given at conference but they are honestly from the heartache of knowing I will soon be leaving this place that I've come to love so much.  On Sunday we officially accepted a job that will land us back in Utah in June.  We have prayed and prayed about this opportunity and as much apprehension I have about moving to a new place while still undergoing cancer treatment and leaving the amazing support system and cherished friendships I have in St Louis--we feel the Lord is guiding us this direction.  I just wish it didn't have to be so hard.  We LOVE St Louis and its people and how they have carried our family through this cancer journey.  How can I leave these good people especially before I have had the chance to repay all the service they have done for our family?  I don't understand and every time I think about it I become a blubbering mess all over again.  I really don't want to leave!!!  Why does this one have to be so hard?  I keep doubting my answer because I think if this was really the Lord's will then it wouldn't be so painful--that I would just be excited about the job opportunity for Kelly and the chance to be closer to family.  When I remind myself of the beautiful experiences we had in Salt Lake (i.e. running into our mission president/ being fed lunch by perfect strangers) after praying if this was the right direction for our family then I have courage to go forward.  I'm SO grateful for the time the Lord has granted us to get to know this lovely place and people.  Our memories here will be cherished forever.

It is amazing how the body heals even after being pushed down MANY times!  Though I had some good weeks during chemo when I wasn't feeling "sick" I still felt very wiped out most of the time.  Right when the body starts to recover and regain some strength it gets knocked down again by another treatment.  Though these Herceptin "biotherapy" treatments I am now getting are a bit more than I planned on they are still so much easier than the chemo drugs.  I do get achy and very tired which was unexpected but the nice part is it only lasts for a day.  I was worried the last time that I might still end up being in the same boat as chemo...sick for a week and then still tired all the time but no...Just one day and then I'm back working out again and getting stronger every day.  Every week or so I gain this new found energy that feels amazing!  I can work out again after six months of being sedentary!  My muscles feel sore and I love it because it means I have the strength to work out again!  This road has been a difficult climb but the scenery has been beautiful.  The closeness to the Savior, the help of angels on both sides of the veil, and the strength the Lord has given me.  I'm not afraid of trials anymore.  It used to bring me great anxiety wondering what great trials I would be called to endure but now that I've come to understand more about what the enabling power of the atonement is all about... I'm not afraid.  He will not lead you to a trial without giving you the strength you need to endure it.  The miracles and blessings flood out all the negative in the end and the journey is worth it!

I had expected today to be a very uneventful visit to the chemo room as now I am just doing the biotherapy Herceptin drug which I hear, at worst, makes people tired.  I planned to be gone for an hour or two and then run to the gym to workout (yes, I started back up again last week and it has felt so good!), followed by grocery shopping.  I realize tired is relative because my perception of tired is being a little slower than usual but you can still get things done.  Well the tired I'm feeling is not going to allow me to workout today or run errands but just lay down and take a nap then probably chill the rest of the day.  My brain feels very fuzzy too which I'm a little bummed about since I really hoped "chemo brain" would be over now that I'm done with the hardcore drugs.  Oh well, hope everyone understands that I may be a little "slower" for another 7-8 months :).  I'm also feeling jittery and a bit nauseated but that shouldn't be from the meds but from what I witnessed while getting my i.v.  The lady across from me but facing the opposite direction had a scary reaction to the Carboplatin drug (one of the chemo drugs I had) being administered to her.  She said she was feeling sick and so the nurse went to get her a barf bowl--not terribly uncommon in the chemo room--but then the nurse came back and had a nervous look on her face.  She called another nurse over and that nurse went running to get the doctor.  That's when it got scary.  The lady started slumping down in her chair and became completely unresponsive.  Her oxygen and blood pressure were dropping and three nurses gathered around her holding her face and trying to get her to come to.  The doctor came out and saw her and immediately told them to dial 911 (we don't have emergency services at that specific location).  They brought her oxygen and the doctor and 3 nurses kept working to get her back to a conscious state.  Seeing the doctor's and nurses' faces was what made it so scary.  When they look panicked then it makes it harder to remain calm.  I started feeling really afraid for this lady and her poor husband who was right there helplessly watching it all.  Then I remembered to say a prayer.  I fervently prayed in my mind for this lady to be okay...that this would not be her time.  Moments later she became aware again and the whole room breathed a sigh of relief.  The funny part was the first words out of her mouth were "Oh sh__!"  The doctor laughed gratefully for the comic relief.  Paramedics then arrived and transported her to the main hospital for careful monitering.  Now I understand why they give us such high doses of Benadryl before they administer the chemo.  I wanted to ask the doctor if I could get the chemo without the Benadryl at one time because the megadose made me feel so much worse than I already was.  It is rough stuff but it probably saved this lady's life today.

       https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10203223574216998&l=9091013661585286121

I was SO grateful for today, though I'm still feeling icky.  Lately I've felt disconnected from the Spirit which has been so difficult.  I realize it is because of this continuous brain fog that comes from the chemo.  It has become more noticeable with each treatment and stays with me even after the sickness lifts.  If zombies were real I could probably relate to their mental state!  But today--though I was still dealing with "chemo-sickness" I had little moments where I felt connected again and it was wonderful.  The main one was tonight when we sat around the table together and Kelly started asking the kids questions about Adam and Eve.  I realized we had not had any meaningful family night's with lessons in several months and being able to discuss as a family the importance of certain gospel principles--including opposition--felt SO good.  We explained how Opposition was introduced in the garden of Eden and why that was so important.  My thoughts were somewhat jumbled (as they are right now while I'm trying to explain this :)) but then, for a moment, the fog dissipated and everything clicked.  We shared how Haela used to struggle so much with her asthma and was hospitalized many times but now can run a 5K without stopping.  Without the opposition of her health struggle she could never have felt the same joy that she did when she ran across that finish line for the first time.  Her joy was much greater because she had gone through such a low with her health.  As I was sharing this I felt a confirmation that this health struggle I am currently going through is going to be so much a part of my future joy that I will feel when I come out of it.  This was really what I needed to remember tonight as lately I've become much more anxious to "hurry up and get it over with".  I've been forgetting the importance of "enduring it well" and having patience in the current state and journey I'm on.  It is all part of the joy I will feel later.  This cloud over my brain and nagging body discomforts will make me that much more grateful for that "clearness of mind" and general "healthy" feeling that will come later.  So for right now, I will be content.