Our Young Warrior ~ Evan Matthew

Here we are. My sweet boy.  We are celebrating your 10th heavenly birthday today.  It's so hard to believe and yet at the exact same time it couldn't be more real.  Every single day I think of you with the greatest joy. I smile when I am reminded you are always with us.  I thank God for the many reminders we receive letting us know you remain connected to us.  All of these things remain true as I've spoken to you again and again today through my tears for fear you would question what I was feeling.  Today, as I smiled with joy and gratitude for you I had a great pain in my chest, a lump in my throat, heavy arms and legs, and tears streaming down my face off and on.  Today, the term mixed emotions couldn't have been more true.  

I remember celebrating your sister's 10th birthday.  Double digits! We were so excited and happy for her to be growing into such an amazing little lady.  Today, on your 10th heavenly birthday all I kept thinking was how it has been too long.  Ten years is too long.  It's been far too long since we played games and you would kick me right where I tapped you on my belly, since I saw your precious face and touched your adorable cheeks, since the last time I got to hold you in my arms. 

It's odd how a span of time holds so much meaning and yet we don't always know what that meaning is until it hits us and hits us hard. 

With that said, I am hopeful.  I work very hard to find the comfortable in the uncomfortable.  I choose joy. I am a child of God. And I will not let your birthday pass without great celebration of your life, our love, and the precious gift you were, are and always will be to me and our family.  

We celebrated you today, sweet boy.  I made birthday cake muffins this morning.  I brought ten beautiful chrysanthemums (five yellow and five white) with baby's breath, a butterfly balloon, and a happy birthday balloon to your memorial bricks at the Angel of Hope. Your dad, sister and I got dinner together and ate while watching the sunset and thinking/talking about you.  We chose Penn Station for dinner because we think your big sister would choose one of our family's other favorite options and we thought you'd pick Penn Station just because she didn't.  I guess that means we think you would be as spunky as the rest of us - all in good fun though. Plus, your dad said you would probably love the fries at Penn Station as much as he does. :)

Most of all, we loved you today.  We will love you tomorrow. We will love you for always, sweet boy. 

In honor of your 10th birthday, I will end this birthday post with 10 things I believe for certain as of today: 

1) You were meant to be my sweet boy and I was meant to be your momma. 

2) You are loved fiercely. 

3) God is with us.  

4) He will never leave us. 

5) Life is messy and overwhelming and painful and horrible, terrible, no good, very bad.

6) Life is precious and beautiful and magnificent and amazing, lovely, so good, very awesome. 

7) Choices matter -  celebrate the good ones and learn/grow from the bad

8) People can survive a great deal. 

9) Learning to thrive is beautiful. 

10) With God all things are possible. 

http://nationalshare.org/two-unbelievable-options/

To learn more about the amazing Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support visit their website: http://nationalshare.org/

I woke up. I fed our fur babies, took them out, surveyed what chores needed to be done, and then walked in circles. My mind raced with questions like "what should I do, what could I do, and what makes the most sense for me to do." Should I do dishes? I would do dishes if it was my daughter's birthday morning so that seemed safe.  Should I tend to Evan's garden, pull weeds, and get muddy? That seemed safer as I love being in nature on Evan's birthday. Could I listen to music that won't make me puddle up in the tears I was fighting? Could I plan another heavenly birthday celebration the way I always intend with love, peace, joy, and hope in my heart and soul when all I really want to be doing is snuggling an 8 year old boy who wakes up with giggles because I sing horribly? What would make the most sense for me to do?

Nothing.  Nothing makes sense.

I couldn't place the icky feeling I was experiencing and it was making me angrier by the second.  Evan's birthday is not the day for negativity.  It's a day of love, joy, peace, hope, and celebration.  I ignored the icky feelings and did a few dishes.  A mix of frustration and anger emerged.  My chest developed an uncomfortable heaviness.  I sought relief by moving outside and began working in Evan's garden. There may have been an embarrassing adult temper tantrum.  Thank goodness for privacy fences and landscaping.  I cleaned up and headed back inside.  I picked up a few items and started dishes again. I played music. I cried. Nothing was making sense. 

I lit Evan's candle at 8:59am and thanked God for our beautiful boy.

For many people, reaching for their Bible in a time like this is what makes perfect sense.  For me, it often times becomes more overwhelming as I have a lot of growth needed when it comes to understanding the Bible the way I hope to some day.  However, I knew that seeking God and His word made sense.  I don't remember what I googled or how I came across it this morning, but the first thing I read was an article on desiringGod.org titled "Six Words to Say Through Tears".  Here I found my answer to what makes sense.

I can trust God with this.

I can trust God to heal my aching heart.
I can trust God to speak to me when I am angry and overwhelmed with the absence of my sweet boy.
I can trust God to replace the emptiness I feel with the fullness my heart desires.
I can trust God with unanswered questions until my faith becomes sight. 
I can trust God to restore peace, love, joy, and hope to our sweet boy's beautiful, precious 8th heavenly birthday. 
I can trust God to help me make sense when nothing, absolutely nothing, makes sense.

Evan Matthew, you sweet boy are a force to be reckoned with.  You make your presence known through hearts in the sky, hearts your sister and I find in food (seriously it seems unreal how many perfect hearts we find in our food on a regular basis), yellow butterflies fluttering by outside
or in our windows, beautiful bright red Cardinals who visit, and on and on. We see you.  We feel you.  We know you.  We celebrate you.  Most of all, we absolutely love and adore you sweet boy.

Happy 8th heavenly birthday Evan Matthew!! Shine bright little one! We see you sweet boy.

Happy 7th heavenly birthday sweet boy.  My heart aches to know you at seven. I want to see what your face would look like. I want to know if you would smile and show all your beautiful teeth or would you have a cute little smirk?  I want to know what your giggle would sound like when you are laughing at your funny dad and big sister.  I want to know if you would still let me hold you in my lap and curl you up in my arms just because or if you would prefer hugs and snuggles close beside me. I want to know if you would be making slime with your sister or if you would be making fun of her because (seriously Ev) she has literally bought a warehouse supply of glue and made so much slime.  I want to know what your favorite color would be and if you would settle on one or have a love for many. I want to know if you would be wild or tame, shy or outgoing.  There's so much more I want to know but one thing is certain. I am grateful beyond words for what I do know.

I know you are loved so deeply.  I know you are saved.  I know you are in our hearts, minds, presence all the time. Grateful doesn't describe how we feel about the reminders of you that we receive.  I wish I could have captured them all over the years. I am grateful for the ones we did capture in picture so I'll always have the reminder for your big sister who by the way is far better than me at recognizing your sweet hellos, messages of love, and little visits.  We find your hearts EVERYWHERE sweet boy. Hearts in a watermelon, pineapple, chips and rocks shaped like hearts, somehow stamped on parking lot black top, carved deep in the gravel/sand on Katy trail, in a leaf hanging from a spiderweb during a trail hike, and the list goes on.  Sometimes we take pictures because even we can't believe what we are seeing. Your hearts are perfect and I can't imagine having journeyed all this time without them. Thank you my sweet boy.

I'm so grateful God knows what our hearts need.  I thank Him every day for the strength and hope He brings us through your hearts and other beautiful reminders of your precious life and our amazing love.  And I would never forget the beautiful butterfly that seems to be with us everywhere we go.  Your sister has squealed in delight many times at the joy of being circled and chased by your butterfly.  Other times, she has a quiet moment and whispers softly to the butterfly. She has probably seen me do this.  The times I am blessed to catch her in one of these beautiful moments I am reminded of this . . . what brings us comfort must not be judged by others, but practiced by those in need of comfort so that we can continue to be strong and live a life of hope and healing.

So back to what today is all about . . .  your birthday! Lucky seven! We will celebrate you on earth as we do every year.  We will laugh and love and play and cheer. We will celebrate your life!

I will finish this entry and wipe away my selfish tears and be the momma you deserve because my sweet, strong, brave boy, you deserve the very best. Thank you for living so wild that we could know you and your personality while I carried you, thank you for holding on strong for a long full pregnancy so that we could have more time with you and you could be born alive, thank you for letting me whisper my love and admiration for you in your cute little ears before you passed. Rest in peace sweet boy.

I'll leave with a quote from your big sister, which she shared with me during a car ride just the other day. "The day Evan was born he came out and went up. That's really pretty special right mom."

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." ~ Matthew 5:16

Yesterday, we celebrated our sweet boy, Evan Matthew's, fifth heavenly birthday.  I began the day opening my tear filled eyes and wiping my tear stained cheeks. I whispered happy birthday to our angel and asked God for strength. I quickly realized this birthday would be slightly more challenging. While my heart was full of love and my mind was confident that Evan Matthew is where he belongs, with our Heavenly Father, my eyes were telling a whole different story. As I continued through the day, I began noticing that I was struggling to stop the tears so that I could celebrate my sweet one. I began thinking I could not celebrate if I was a teary mess all day. I stopped my work and prayed to God to help me get a grip so that I could behave in a way and present myself the way I feel and believe.  

Work picked up and I found myself in an opportunity to share Evan with a new co-worker that was so lovingly listening to all the beautiful details of our journey.  I cried.  I was slammed with phone calls and emails, which I attended to timely and professionally. Between each call, I cried a little more. I prayed again telling God and Evan Matthew that I had better receive their strength in order to make it through two client sessions without tears.  Then I begged and then I cried. 

My first client arrived. A sweet, adorable five year old boy. During our time together I asked him questions, he asked me questions, we played, and I found myself staring at him and imagining many things about my sweet boy at this age. At one point, I discovered that this little boy was staring at me with the sweetest expression. I smiled at him and asked him what he was thinking. He said to me, "I have a light bulb in my brain. It shines so bright." We continued our session laughing and talking and playing. I immediately entered my next session, packed my things and drove home talking to my sweet boy about his birthday in heaven, my love for him and our plans to celebrate him that evening. 

The sun was shining so bright on my drive home and it brought me to reflecting on the comment that the little boy made.  I smiled and thought of Evan Matthew. 

We celebrated our sweet boy yesterday evening.  We went out to eat while enjoying sharing our memories of Evan's life. We watched, delighted, as our sweet boy's big sister created our family portrait on her menu. We purchased his cake and had the friendliest young woman helping us make it just right. We purchased Evan's birthday balloons and again had the friendliest man helping us with our order.  We wrote our messages and released our balloons to heaven. We sang happy birthday and blew out his big 5 candle. 

After a beautiful celebration we returned to our bedtime routine and preparation for the next day with Evan Matthew on our minds and in our hearts as we do every single day. 

And then it hit me . . . 

My message from heaven. My message from one unknowing, adorable five year old little boy. Evan's light is shining so bright. His light shines because God's light shines and He has made Evan Matthew a perfect bright shining light . . . If God's light shines and my sweet boy's light shines, then through my love for them their light shines through me.  And then, I smiled bright and I cried. 

I was surprised today to see that my sweet boy's blog has continued to be viewed over the last four years and even some recently. It warmed my heart to wonder if our journey and Evan's awesome life has continued to provide knowledge, comfort, or maybe peace to anyone experiencing a similar journey.  I have not written here in so long for various reasons. I have found this to be a place of healing for me in the past so today I write in hopes that my experiences, my journey, my story may help another as I know so many other brave women, men and children sharing their stories of survival with me has been helpful. I write for my own healing.

Evan is always on my mind and in my heart. I was reminded this week that Evan's due date was yesterday. This reminder came from the best doctor I could have ever hoped for along our journey. Evan was born into our arms on 9/1/11 but before we knew of his diagnosis and changes that came as a result we expected to meet our little baby closer to 9/22/11. I was surprised I had forgotten this date and was grateful for the reminder. I realized again that the little things (a thoughtful reminder and acknowledgment) truly are the big things. I know in my heart she remembers Evan with us because she shows us any chance she has - did I mention how incredible she is?! :)

Our journey of growing our family was a challenging one since we felt ready to try again after our sweet boy was born. Bottom line ... Trying equaled not successful. So our journey took a shift. We stopped trying and focused our energy on planning for ways we could continue to celebrate the beautiful family we had already been blessed with, help other children and families, celebrate our sweet boy in heaven and our beautiful girl on earth. My awesome husband got us both excited about our future in which we thought being "young" empty nesters had some appeal (and boy did we have some ideas - we were planning and having fun daydreaming about our future together - which truthfully no matter what will consist of me following my daughter wherever she may go driving her insane :).

Then, wouldn't you know it ... The unexpected happened.

I wish I could say this part of the story has an ending we dreamed of but unfortunately that's not true. What I can tell you is that recently our third precious child joined his big brother in heaven. I can tell you Evan has a part of me and his daddy with him in heaven. How about that? I can tell you my husband is a brave man with an incredible heart. I can tell you that every day I grow stronger. I'm not afraid to suffer because I know I will survive. I can tell you that our daughter does not know this pain because my husband advocated for waiting to share and I can now say he is the smartest guy I know (way smarter than me who was ready to shout from the rooftops - this is why God gave me an incredible man quite opposite from me in many ways - balance). I can tell you that we have the most loving, supportive, gentle, insightful, spiritual family anyone could ever hope for and for that we are eternally grateful. We have the most incredible friends who are about as similar to our family as you can imagine (amazing!).

It's early so I know this storm is not over but in time we will be prepared for the rainbows God has in store for us whatever they may be. I also know that we WILL be stronger, braver and wiser than we were before. We will be ready to grow and change as God has planned for us.  His message for me this past Sunday ... Be brave, lay down, trust in Him. I will be brave. I will trust Him.

My newest addition will not suffer and now has peace. I will search for the purpose of our suffering and use it to fuel my fire, my energy, my heart and love. I will be gentle with myself, my family, my friends and anyone I may have the privilege to come into contact with. I encourage you to be gentle with others as well.

We don't know the journey others have been on or are currently experiencing. We don't always know the pain they may be battling/masking ... Be gentle with yourself and one another. Always.

I should be asleep . . . guess what though . . . I am so glad I'm not.  I'm energized right now because like many days/nights I am full of thoughts and inspiration from you sweet boy.  Lately, I have found that I like to keep you to myself more and more telling myself that I will be motivated to share you and our journey on here again some day . . . Such a selfish mommy :-)  I love you sweet baby boy! Thank you God for this precious boy who lived and shines through all those who love him dearly.

It was such a strange time for me before your 2nd birthday.  When all was said and done I realized that waves of grief are no joke. Now, I never really thought they were but reading about, talking about and even educating people about waves of grief and experiencing it first hand are entirely different.  It's safe to say that I know another one is waiting for me but I'm ready.  So when did this uncomfortably strong wave roll on out . . . I'll tell you exactly when!  Your BIRTHDAY! :-)  I woke up around 6:30am your birthday morning. I remember asking myself if I really wanted to be awake. Was I really ready to face the day that early? I thought maybe if I could sleep a little longer I would have fewer hours to suffer. Of course, I was so sure it was going to be a bad day and I was already so mad at myself for that assumption.  Somewhere during the insanity playing out in my head I fell asleep.  So here's the most amazing part . . . I woke up at 8:49am.I looked at the clock with panic coursing throughout my entire body.  I saw the time and in that moment I experienced the biggest sigh of relief and the most hysterical laughter.  I woke up exactly 10 minutes before the time my sweet boy was born.  Ten minutes for me to experience the incredible peace you brought me the morning you were born and all the days after. Ten minutes to light a candle and say my prayers for you. What an incredible gift.  I think about it every day. Gifts from heaven . . . thank you.

While the wave of grief dissolved and my reasonable, accurate and positive thinking returned I found myself experience a desperate determination to give you and your big sister another sibling. Here enters another round on unreasonable thinking . . . I don't think I lost my marbles entirely but seriously what is it with this ability I have to become so consumed by one thought, one idea, one certainty?  I don't know if our family will grow but I have realized that it is so incredibly important for me to live and to do so in faith, hope and love.  My desperation and certainty that another child was mandatory was overwhelming causing me to lose focus. Like many things in life I am so grateful that I have an incredible husband and amazing family & friends to support me and help me cope with my self pity (yuck!) while being patient and kind.  Do I want more babies? Yes! Will I let the possibility of it happening or not happening consume me and prevent me from enjoying today's blessings ever again . . . NO!  Thank you God for reminding me of your divine timing and of releasing and letting all things go to you Lord. I have a new found excitement for whatever you have in store for me and for my family.

Sweet boy your big sister has asked so many knew questions about you.  She adores you sweet boy.  I do my very best to answer her questions honestly and clearly. It's tough, not gonna lie.  I've started making a mental list of the questions she may ask that scare me the most in hopes that if I brainstorm what those questions are I will be somewhat prepared.  Fat chance, right?  There are so many stories that I would like to share to document her love and connection with you but I realize that these stories are hers to share so for now I keep them personal and documented in a private journal.  Your sister is so funny sweet boy.  I think about how incredibly cute you would sound giggling at her as she makes you laugh because trust me you wouldn't be able to stop some days.

Your dad and I were watching your sister's dance class the other night when someone asked about her.  Then the "is she your only one," "any others at home" questions started from other very kind, thoughtful spectators came.  If I could scream in type I would insert the most fierce growl right now.  Why do I always think about the comfort of others and/or how others would prefer I answer and live to regret my decision for hours, days, weeks after. I decide exactly how I plan to answer questions like this and then when the time comes I've either created the most awkward moment for everyone involved or lied and felt like I couldn't breath from the elephant sized guilt sitting on my chest.  It's gotta stop.  I am thankful for forgiveness and for another chance.  I promise I'll get it right soon baby boy.  I'm growing, learning, changing and becoming stronger and stronger every day and in every way.  I can do this.

Which leads me to my last thought of the night (because seriously I should be so asleep right now and I need to settle my mind) . . . I've written about this song before but have to share it again.  This song brings me so much comfort and I am grateful for the long drives to work when I can pray, talk to you sweet boy and turn this song up so loud while singing it like I am so good (so, so not good) . . . a reminder thanks to my sister who introduced the song to me 2+ years ago and another mom I met online who encouraged me to envision God singing it to me . . . not alone then, now or ever.

Link to song:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af8mB9ABuJA

xoxo sweet boy