Wednesday, November 30, 2022
Responding to Love
At the age of 15, some of my cat class friends were very much involved with the youths from the various youth groups in my parish, Christ the King Church. Since by 16, we were to be confirmed and catechism class would soon be over, my cat class friends were encouraging one another to join youth groups. Back then, I was torn between joining a popular drama ministry and prayer ministry. Somehow one of my friends convinced me to join the prayer ministry because of the benefits of being able to grow spiritually.
Serving in the prayer ministry for about 6 years, I decided to take a break from serving. Yet in those months of hiatus, God was somehow trying to reach out to me.
In December 2008, I finally convince myself to attend a camp and spend some time with God. Attended Youth In The Spirit Seminar organised by amplify ministry. The theme for that camp was: Liberation and how appropriate is that theme with regards to my season of life at that point in time. Groupings for the camp were labelled accordingly to various saints. I was in the group of Saint Teresa of Avila. The only thing I vaguely remembered about Saint Teresa was her interior castle which Father John Chua spoke about when I attended a talk on contemplative prayer a couple of years ago. Having very little knowledge of this Saint, I decided to read up more about her and her works. It was my first encounter with the Saints and Saint Teresa's writings deeply connected with me. Reading her works felt as though she was personally addressing them to me. Eventually, I regarded her as my prayer mentor because of the many things she wrote about prayer.
Fresh from camp and filled with the love and mercies of God, I decided to serve in Amplify ministry and again I was drawn back to serve in the area of prayer. I remember attending the first prayer meeting and all of us shared who our favourite saint was. One person shared that her favourite saint was St Therese, the little flower and the little things that she does for God. In that instance, it got me curious about this saint who was so different from the rest of the other saints because she didn't do great big heroic things.
Went to the library and pick up a book on St Therese and started reading about her life story. I was blown away by the many little acts of love she've done for God. And in my excitement and enthusiasm, I started speaking to some of my friends all about these 2 great saints. Then one night, one of my friends asked, "Have you ever considered joining the religious? What if one day God calls you to the carmelite?" I was taken aback by that question and simply shrug at the idea of being a nun and quickly brush that topic aside. Then a second incident happened while I was borrowing books from the spi library and the librarian suddenly asked, "if I have ever considered joining the religious?" My reply was,"God hasn't called me yet." I guess it wasn't by chance that these 2 saints who were carmelites crossed my path and made my friend highlight to me about this call for vocation. The puzzles were then beginning to form a picture. There's a link between prayer and the carmelites somehow. My path in life were always directed to prayer and this was not a coincidence.
However, at that point in time, I struggled with the thought of being a religious because, I was just transiting between school to the working world and my mind was so fixed on the career path. On top of that, I felt that my heart was far from God and couldn't grasp the concept of loving God back in return. Yet strangely, I made a deal that by the age of 30, I would entertain the vocation call.
While serving in the amplify intercessory ministry, I met a friend who was also my leader who shared the same thoughts about the carmelite vocation. We often talked about it, but I never took any action about it because of my 30 years old deal. There was once, when the seige of Jericho prayer event was held in the carmelite monastry and this friend of mine invited me along. I went with her with a curious heart and mind, wondering how does the sister dress like? (For some reason, at that point, the nun's outfit actually matters to me. Because I was actually hoping it looks like both Saint Teresa and Saint Therese's outfit!) But my friend did mentioned that the carmelites were cloistered sisters so we might not get a chance to see them. Yet, after attending the prayer session, an extern sister came out to speak to some of the people. When my eyes caught sight of that sister, I was full of delight because I simply love their outfit!
Then, in July 16, 2013, this same friend entered the carmelite order back in her hometown in Kuching, while I decided to see for myself what an "open house" in the carmelite monastry looks like here in Singapore. Because I was still working and wasn't able to take any leave, I decided to attend mass at 6.30am in the monastry. The night before I couldn't sleep because of all the excitement I was feeling. Reached the monastry and it was filled with many people, yet it was such a memorable event for me because I found myself attracted to the nun's singing during mass. The whole atmosphere was so grand and for a moment I felt as though I was in heaven.
I guess it was also a trigger point of seeing my friend talking and taking action about her vocation that made me felt that sense of urgency to answer my own vocation call too. Strange enough, a couple of friends decided to help me out by connecting me with the carmelite sisters in whom they knew and I started my journey of discernment.
Sometime in February 2014, a friend invited me to join her on a trip to seremban and a chance to stay in the carmelite monastry too. Through the trip, I had a sudden realisation that to answer one's vocation call from the Lord is to respond to this great love he had for each one of us. He knows what makes us truly happy and where our joys lies, be it a marriage vocation or a religious vocation and during one morning mass, I was just telling God that I have fallen in love with him and I was willing to offer my life to serve him because of the love I have for him. Shortly after, the recessional hymn had the lyric along the lines of "I have served you" and it felt like God had heard me.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Prayer is the way of Childhood
Prayer is the Way of Childhood
by Mother Nadine
The way of childhood is the way of littleness. Jesus said that we need to change; we need to repent. We need to become little or He said that we can not enter into His kingdom (Mt 18:2-4). Prayer is a striving to enter more and more into His kingdom by becoming little. This is totally against our culture, but the Bible cuts right across the culture.
Once we learn that all we have to do is become little, we can cooperate with the dark night to hasten it's end. Isn't that nice to know that it has an end? The dark night will have accomplished its purpose when the stripping is done, when we are little, when we stand naked once again in our full identity in the Presence of God as that little baby, as His child. Then we will learn how to celebrate our smallness and inadequacies. It is so freeing!
We will see a great humility come upon us as we are exposed to the Person who is Truth. Then we will live in the Truth. We will walk in the Truth. We will breathe in Truth. We will speak in Truth. That is what humility is all about-Truth. Part of that truth is acknowledging our own littleness and limitations. It's okay to fall down. All children fall, but they are so close to the ground that they never really get hurt. We will come into a deeper poverty. This poverty of spirit will bear tremendous fruit. Who is more poor than a baby? A baby doesn't have anything unless it is given to him or her. Who is more dependent than a child? We will find our total dependency on God, and we will love it. We can lean on Someone who makes good decisions, Someone who has all the answers, Someone who has a tremendous sense of responsibility and can carry the load that we were burdened with. We can depend on God. He is so faithful.
We will come into greater purity as we come into a deeper relationship with the Lord. The Holy Spirit will sanctify us. He will purify us because God is pure. In order to have union of spirit to Spirit, we need to be healed of everything that has ever happened to us. Then we will become more sensitive to the needs of others. Love will start to reach out and we become aware. In the natural order, children and teenagers are pretty much still turned in on themselves. They are not too aware of anyone else's feelings or what is going on in the household, but as they grow into maturity, they become very sensitive and aware of the needs of others. This is what happens in prayer. It is one of the fruits of union with the Lord. We become more gentle in dealing with human frailty because we are so conscious of our own weaknesses. We've been there. We're there every moment, so we stop being judgmental. St. Philip Neri said, "But for the grace of God go I!" How true. We become more obedient in the sense of responding more quickly to His promptings. The minute we pick up what the Lord wants, we do it. We don't argue with Him, we don't procrastinate, we do it, and we do it with great joy. That will come more quickly because that's the very essence of prayer.
So if you want to check yourself to see how you are doing in prayer, check your surrender, check your joyful and prompt obedience to the Holy Spirit as you understand what God is saying to you, whether it be through Scripture or private prayer. Obedience is the essence of prayer. It's the heart of prayer. The letting go becomes easier and easier as we go through these states because as we are so involved with the real Presence within that we have learned to trust. He has our total trust and the letting go becomes easier. Not that there isn't any pain, because there is usually a sacrifice in letting go, but it will not be as difficult to let go because we have become so accustomed to the One we hang onto.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Awaken 8
This was long overdue but never too late I guess. Awaken 8 was probably one of the best serving experience ever. Saying yes to Jesus was all worth it and it taught me so much through this experience. Dealing with different people's working style is one thing and learning to be self sacrificing for others was also another thing.
Heading a group of 23 intercessors doesn't sounds like an easy task either. I still remember stressing over the list of people being assigned to intercessory for awaken. The amount of vct (volunteer contact time) to be made for every single person is madness. I mean if this was me in the past, I would really complain alot about this taking too much of my time and the last thing I'll ever be interested in is about their life. But yet from the first person I met,(it was awkward initially) till the last person I met and spoke to, I felt something was drawing me to these people. Like it was tiring after the entire thing and mind you, having vct everyday was no joke but I actually found joy speaking to people about building a good prayer life. Love the thought of even encouraging them to begin one when they don't have one because I personally know what good fruit it bears through this constant going to God and definitely I hope they share this good thing I've experienced too.
It was definitely a joy to be serving alongside with this bunch of people whose age range from 16-64. Like super diverse but yet child like before God and I really must say, they're quite a docile bunch too. Through this leading, I actually found the joy of seeing the younger ones blossom spiritually. They come and they say, "thank you for guiding me, thank you for being so encouraging." I mean like I've really never experienced such thing before when I was a leader in mpm. I guess it was also different because I was like 21? I think I wasn't mature enough and haven't truly found God back then. I guess this was my reward when God honours my Yes to him. Experiencing a sort of joy that even money can't buy.
Thank you Jesus for this wonderful experience. :)
Saturday, January 11, 2014
The Journey of Faith
2012, I started serving as an intercessor at Awaken. During the vct session, my take home message from both Sr Karen and Teresa Lim was to make prayer part of my life. I tried making that effort and soon found myself cruising through life in a bed of roses. When 2013 approaches, I made a resolution to draw closer to the Lord. I started praying daily but even so, they weren't quality time spent with him. I would read the daily readings and if they don't speak to me, I'd brush them aside and get on with life. That was my prayer life for the first half of 2013.
Yet, at the same time, I've read so much about the saints and their great love for God that I started looking at myself and wondered why I can't love God back in that same manner? Despite the many retreats I've attended, getting to experience the love of God, yet I knew my heart was still cold within.
I knew God's love through my mind and intellect but yet I can't know his love deep within my heart.
I remember having this cold heart issue conversation with Faith See many years back and at that time, she said, maybe I should pray for God to give me a desire to love him back. This line still rings in my head so I tried praying for God to grant me this desire. I knew I beg a great deal for it and he finally answered my prayer during the csc intercessory retreat. A time where His love flowed into my heart.
Things started going a little more serious for me at the later half of 2013 when the amplify intercessors started inviting Juliana to give sessions and talks on prayer. She introduced meditation and journaling to us but it was really difficult at the beginning for me. I can't seem to meditate on those bible verses and journaling was like a one way talk from me to God. It was until Juliana did a hands on practical session during intercessory that I found that God could respond back to me through journaling. It was since then, I can say I truly found God and made prayer a discipline for myself. I come to him in prayer each day, knowing that it is in wanting to respond back to his love and to have a deeper relationship with him that I seek to meet him there in my quiet time, rain or shine.
.
The greatest testimony of my faith came on the very last day of 2013. 31 December to be exact. Given a long break from the office, my colleague and I decided to go on a trip to cameron highland for a short getaway. Our main itinerary includes reading books at the cafe and so I brought along a half read book on St Therese. At the airport, my colleague suddenly asked what books did I bring for the trip? So I showed her my book and she gave me a weird look and started asking me why am I reading such books? Left without a choice, I had to explain myself. The conversation dwelt further on the concept of God and she started asking me so many questions about God that I had fears running across my heart, hoping this conversation will not leave me shaken in my faith because of the lack of knowledge in God.
As I sat there, trying to answer each questions that she asked, I realised I could actually answer them all and at some point God made her answer her own questions herself. Some of the questions include.."If God is good then why does he allows suffering to happen? I knew if this was me in the past, I would definitely not stand up to this. I would probably end up agreeing with her that God was unjust and not merciful at all too. But I can't. Simply because I've encountered him each day of my life through prayer and quiet time that I know what God is like and I had to dispel any misconception about him.
Indeed it was through the walk with God each day that he reveals himself to me and builds up my faith. Faith can no longer be shaken when I know who this God is and what exactly is he like. Even those questions that men put before me, will no longer bother me anymore because I've grown my roots in God.
Desire, determination, perseverance and discipline were all God's graces that he had granted upon me in helping me to achieve this resolution of mine. So I thank you Lord for this fruitful faith journey of 2013.
The fruit of silence is prayer.
The fruit of prayer is faith.
The fruit of faith is love.
The fruit of love is service.
The fruit of service is peace.
- Mother TeresaLabels: God
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Joy in suffering
"Be happy, always happy in the Lord; I repeat, what I want is your happiness." (Philippian 4:4)
O Lord as I was thinking about how unwelcome I felt at the new work place, I was worried that my period of trial will begin then and there. It's easy during consolation time but very difficult to even hang unto you when trial comes. I don't even know if I can endure this trial again, the previous one was rather trying for me. But now to reflect on these words to be happy for you even when I'm going through my darkest and most difficult moment is definitely a challenge. I don't even know if I can really put on a smile even in those bad days.
"What I want is your happiness."
If O Lord, to see me go through a trial just to share a load in your suffering then O Lord, make me suffer it happily for you. For as good close friends are, if it makes you happy then I want it too. But O Lord grant me the graces I need to find joy in this suffering. For O Lord, I am weak and I can't do anything on my own so O Lord, I depend on you to carry me through. Grant me the joy and serenity to suffer this trial for you.
My child, do not fear those trials for they can build you up and make you grow in character. Know that during season of testing, I am always near you. Feel these suffering and know that I love you that I let you bear a little of my load. For true friends share the load with one another. So in the same way, know that you are close to me, that I let you share a part in my suffering so that you may walk in my way and find the path of life.Labels: God
Sunday, September 22, 2013
A Refresher
On this super chill sunday, I started feeling nostalgic. Read a couple of my older blog entries and found some inspiring ones. A rediscovery on why I love Saint Teresa of Avila in the past but now I was so drawn to Saint Therese because of her teachings about love and suffering. But nevertheless, I still love both of them!
Ok gotta run..shall be back here again when I have more time to spare!
Sunday, June 9, 2013
A night to remember
(oops my entry didn't get published but this was an overdued entry a couple of weeks back and somehow good things didn't happened :( ...sigh )
Yesterday felt like graduation night for a.w.a.r.d school. My classmate and I attended an event where we could get feedback from various creative directors and was glad for some of the feedback received. And to my surprise I made it to the top 3 once again. Was extremely close in winning a free tix and accomadation to fly to new york to tackle a live brief. But I guess it wasn't meant for me and in fact, I was actually happy that someone else won it. I've met the winner at an award ceremony before and thought she really deserves to go for it.
Where as for me, I was just hoping for a better opportunity to swing by and I'm glad I had one knocking on my door. So Thank God for this wonderful an awesome night! Just hope things will get better from then on! :)
The top 3 best folio for the night of Singapore. :)
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